Previously on Project Runway: Bird Challenge! Miss Trinidad misunderstood the rules and did her hair as a cockatoo. She still won.
A cock two challenge? I’M IN!
Jersey Chore got so pissed about not getting help from Trini that he shoved Jesus Christ in between his hairy man tits and made Heaven weep, …
Jesus died for sins like adultery, gluttony and coveting. This is pushing it too far.
… and Matlock was sent back to Georgia to solve crimes and trick judges into letting his neighbors off murder charges. We’ll always have the hottest wattle in PROJECT RUNWAY HISTORY! Sorry Nina.
My wattle just got hard.
I have to be upfront and tell you that this is kinda hard to write already, because I have a new man in my life that won’t stop telling me what to say. This is my recap buddy for the night, Bueller. Please stop with the controlling bullshit, B.
The minute he saw Matlock he started crying. I hear ya little buddy. Now please, get your own gig.
We open this week with Jersey Chore droning on in his Thurston Howell voice about how he’ll miss having Matlock around to steal designs from and how Miss Trinidad is a hacky no talent slut. Jersey Chore wonders why no one takes him seriously, but Icktor is too much of a pussy nice to say it’s because he’s dressed like a gay clown bank manager. That flower probably squirts out black plague or some shit.
The whole world frowns with you.
He just can’t understand how Trini can get so far in a design competition with no talent. Um, first off, she can swallow like a pro and that’s a talent in this day and age. Second, you bedazzle shit and wear leopard print wife beaters with leash hooks and home made ribbon trim. The real question here is how you haven’t been sued for copyright infringement by The Nanny and every extra in Cruising.
Jersey Chore’s mood board.
Miss Trinidad is feeling da presha! She’s also gotta be feeling a little cold with those chains dragging on her chest like that. Those boobs are like dogs that won’t behave until you crate them for awhile and teach them who’s boss.
You two can come out of there when you have to go potty, or when the internet is cancelled so you can’t get into any more trouble. Whichever comes first.
Fat Bitch Heidi comes out looking like she ate a litter of puppies, their mother and father, and the entire dog pound they were about to be sent to.
Love what you’ve done with your hair.
This is the final challenge!! Wait. WHAT? Not that I’m complaining. I can use some time off to be evil to people in the real world, but how is this possible? Double elimination? PLEASE!! Eliminate Jersey Chore twice in a night. You owe it to the gay community and the world at large, Lifetime! Fat Bitch tells them a fairy will be with Tim to take them to Governor’s Island. Which fairy? I hope it’s not Gay Liotta again, especially after Chooch said I looked like him in the comments last week. BITCH FACE.
Oh. Fat Bitch meant a ferry would take them. That’s disappointing. I wanted to see some poor gay L’Oreal dude carrying these fuckers on his back. At least it’s a gorgeous day!
Please remove my hanging son from in between your hairy tits or I will drown you all. Love, God.
Jersey Chore says that feeling the wind on his face has reminded that there is actually such a thing as outside. Unfortunately, it doesn’t turn you burnt orange and it fucks up eyeshadow, so he vows to never try this nature crap again. He does, however, congratulate himself on being amazing “for the first time”. Today. Scared of nature? How do you think it feels about you? That rain is Heaven trying to tell you to WASH YOUR FUCKING FACE YA CROSSEYED FREAK.
Because what grown man doesn’t want to look like he’s about to go into combat in shorts while on his period?
Himberly is glad to be outdoors, but she gets a little scared when she sees the bald lady that awaits them.
I’m no psychic, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and predict that this won’t be a Garnier challenge.
This chick has been ordered to stay on Governor’s Island because of her obvious issues, and she tells the designers that the Island is the hub of NYC culture. LOL. Do you guys remember when Alex on Real Housewives of NYC had a party there and everyone was mortified at her tackiness? And then she got fired from the show. Coincidence? Point is, islands are gross and don’t have Starbux. Maybe there will be a smoke monster or some shit. Damn Lost. I have a feeling this episode’s theme will lead to a really disappointing ending that makes zero sense.
The challenge is to make three looks inspired by the island, which has modern art sculptures littered around it. So far all I see are awkward shapes, bad hair, and lots of grass. They might as well be in my apartment right now. The designers get to drive around the island in golf carts, which is awesome. Except that you can’t really run down pedestrians in those things properly, which begs the question: What’s the point of driving golf carts?
Himberly’s eye is caught by a circular piece, which inspires her to sketch a really fug dress. The art is called “New Beginning.” That art is trying to tell you to start that sketch over, girl.
Bare ankles AND knees? Malock would jiggle his wattle very angrily at this, young lady.
Jersey Chore says he has a brother in the military. I don’t know why he brought that up, cuz we all know exactly what he’s inspired by here, and it’s not killing terrorists.
Please stop chanting “shoot it.” You’re embarrassing.
He’s also inspired by a church, but doesn’t dare walk into it. Bimbo is inspired by trying to run over people on bikes, which makes me feel like we might have something other than cankles in common.
Meanwhile, Jersey Chore is getting a boner with his new favorite art.
Icktor feels like he can’t win with the judges no matter what he tries, so he decides to just make some Mickey Mouse ears and call it a day.
Miss Trinidad is inspired by some loopy art, which means she can make a simple flowy sleeveless dress again. She says she won’t, but I no believy. Suckyfuckyfivedolla.
I think out of everyone, Himberly is having the most fun. Just look at her.
Over at mood, Jersey Chore buys some doily fabric, Bimbo buys the same stuff but in a super large version, and Miss Trini buys the same color Chore used last week. We don’t see much of Icktor. Poor guy bores the editors as much as he does us. Sad waxy dead skin horns. At the workroom, Bimbo tries her fabric on her dress form and Miss Trinidad says she’s already owned that outfit. Try again, sucka!
Tim comes in with a giant sack. Also, a bag with a twist inside. And that twist is…terrible ex designers to help them! They’re all true to their stereotypes, which is comforting. Doughy Christian is still doughy, Martha Plumpton is wearing an ill fighting, too bright thrift store dress with feather earrings, Dollivier the living Beigeian doll is in beige head to toe, Nutless has a fauxhawk and a lot of general pastiness, and Matlock’s wattle is jiggling excitedly like a fat lady on her way to the early bird Mervyn’s sale. Open open open.
Himbery has taken Martha Plumpton, who’s happy she is working with the only person who doesn’t judge her for her shoulder hair.
Icktor takes Dollivier, and Doll is icked out. You can tell cuz he says “Ew gwoss” and hugs Ick awkwardly.
He’s not blending into the backwound. I hatey heem.
Bimbo takes Nutless, leaving Jersey and Trinidad last. She laughs “Done fight wit me!” and he hisses that she’s a stupid whore c word and he hopes she dies a sad chlamydic death on the internet. She’s all “jeeze I was just playing.” She gets to pick first, and takes Matlock. Sure he’s a little grumpy, but he’s not Doughy Christian and right now that’s the only quality she needs to survive. Doughy is disappointed he’s stuck working under Herr Chore, because “he likes to control things.” LOL. You know that you’ve already been kicked off, right? You’re here for manual labor, kid. Buck up and get that glue gun heated up. The only thing you ever controlled was a sad sense of fashion and jiggly pasty underarms.
Trinidad isn’t quite sure what she wants to do, but she knows it’s not anything like what dumbass Bimbo is up to. Jersey Chore, on the other hand, smells tacky a mile away and goes about copying the circle fabric right off the bat. He has a patterned fabric that he instructs Doughy to start cutting out. HA. Doughy says “it’s sooooo you” in that “and you’re teeeerrible” kinda way. He talks him out of blatantly ripping off Bimbo, which really pisses me off. And while we’re at it, please, SLEEVES.
The best team by far is Icktor and Beigeian. Beige starts their session off by saying in twelve different accents: “I donna weally wanna do nutting.” LOL! He shakes his head and shrugs and disses every single thing Ick does and then tells us “dees is slave laybo. We don’d get paid an we donna care.” HAHAHAH! I’ve missed ya ya magical little freak!
Since Jersey Chore is a terrible designer and a terrible person, he spends his time hissing about how much Miss Trinidad sucks and how she’s only doing well because she’s pretty. Well you’re crosseyed, burnt orange, and slicked like a duck in an oil spill and you’re still here too so that theory is bunk. Doughy laughs evilly with him, but tells us that Jersey Chore is a jealous person and always will be. Miss Trinidad worries that Jersey hates her now, but honestly, who cares? Are you gonna go to lunch with this evil queen after this is all over? You’ll have to pay for everything and if you get up to go to the bathroom he’ll steal the eyeshadow and tampons right out of your purse. Good riddance.
The next day, Himberly is changing the stuff that isn’t working, which is almost everything. Jersey gets Bimbo insecure enough about her dress to dye it, and then goes back to sewing plastic all over his dress. LOL. Himberly is thankful for his tackiness, because it might just save her ass in the end. Tim comes in to check on progress, starting with Bimbo. All three of her dresses look like broken down skeeball machines.
Tim’s hating the circles, and he isn’t too happy that she’s just sitting there waiting for him to tell her how to change it, so he grabs her computer and tries to figure out how to get Grindr running.
There is a gay person two feet away from you.
Himberly has a lot of grey and orange going on, and nothing is looking good so far. Tim doesn’t think the textiles work together, and Icktor says it’s flat out terrible. Tim calls her ball gown “Statue of Liberty”. Please! That bitch would never be caught in that. You can’t welcome poor people to this country looking poor. No one would come in.
Tim loves everything Icktor so he just says hi and moves on to Chore. Tim has lots of compliments for his first piece, but Trini says Jersey is doomed. I pray that she’s right. I think Tim hates Chore, cuz he says everything’s great and encourages him to keep going. LOL. Trinidad is doing two dresses and some pants, and Jersey says that everyone has to do at least a jacket. I don’t know where he got this rule from, but it’s gonna be funny when he turns on Trini in front of the judges for breaking a rule that never existed. Ass.
I don’t know how anyone can call Trini unoriginal. If more people would design like this, the middle east might not hate us so much.
You’re ready for your driver’s license picture!…in case you ever get to drive.
Himberly’s designed a pair of pants for Jersey Chore.
Jersey is STILL whining about how terrible Miss Trinidad is. Now Icktor has joined in with him, and I cannot wait to see her kick both of their asses. Ick admits she’s a great designer with great ideas, but “who’s gonna sell her shit?” Um, people who like great designers and great ideas, you moron. Does Ronald McDonald show up every day to make the perfect hamburger? No. He hires illegal immigrants to do it. Does that mean his burgers suck? Look at the fat asses surrounding you next time you go to the mall for your answer.
Bimbo starts stressing out, which is hilarious because she only knows her work sucks because Tim told her. She cries because she only ever dreamed of showing at Yugo Fashion Week and being a Muppet Baby and if she gets kicked off today, both her dreams are dead.
Day of the Runway Show. Himberly has changed everything again, which is a really good plan. Hair and makeup time! SMOKE BREAK! You guys, I just saw a raccoon fight outside. Seriously. And it was less ugly than Jersey’s soul. Icktor and Jersey are both positive that they will be in the finals, and they feel the girls are dumb and interchangeable. Have you seen those dogs with the underbite that are so ugly they’re cute? Jersey’s not one of those.
To put things back in perspective, Matlock says that one of Jersey’s dresses is flat out shitty and the girl needs a baton. LOL!
And now a plug for the most important design tool of the season:
Ten minutes til runway, which means it’s time for Miss Trinidad’s “I’m da undoodawg and weel nevah feenish!” monologue. Not buying it, hooker. She could shit on the floor and she’d still win this shit. Runway time! Fat Bitch Heidi comes out on the runway with mustard on her face and fried chicken grease all over her dress. Let’s say hi to the judges! Hi Kors!
Hi guest judge Zoe Saldana! Man, I hope she’s a better judge than she is an actress. I went to see her last movie Colombiana and was rooting for her ass to get thrown into the pool filled with sharks. She took off her clothes well, though. In every scene. Yay to working out instead of going to acting class!
Please stay silent and don’t take anything off in judging.
When Fat Bitch says that one or more might be going home, Bimbo looks like she might barf. LOL. Jersey Chore is first and wow. Even more terrible than usual. White dress that doesn’t even come close to fitting and a mesh top. Yikes. And this was inspired by a church? Now I know what Henry the Eighth was thinking when he tried burning all those fuckers to the ground.
Look two looks like a window screen with a bad vest and confederate top. It does need a baton. To Jersey’s head.
Next is a silver sheet pinned over a tank top. Is this guy for fucking real? TERRIBLE. And ps there was no jacket here ya asshole.
Himberly is next. That orange Jersey Chore used last week is prevalent, and it’s giving me hateful flashbacks. Still, her jacket is frumpy/cute (what? There’s a market for that. Martha Plumpton is part of it.).
The next one looks like a ho-y bathing suit with a silver wrap as a skirt. I don’t get it, but it’s not nearly as terrible as it looked in the workroom. Still fug though.
Her third look doesn’t use the pink/orange crap, so I love it just for that. Otherwise it looks like a crushed Diet Coke can.
Bimbo is next, and she’s back to her Lawrence Welk Show roots. She was inspired by circles. Get it? Skirt’s pretty, though.
Her next look is for the woman who wants to remember the time of bread lines and government cheese.
The Great Depression
Number three is a funeral doily.
Now for Miss Trinidad. Her first look is straight up Matlock. Simple, black, and chic. It’s not very interesting, but it’s well done and doesn’t look ridiculous. First one of the night.
Next up are her pants. Ew to the rust, and I love that even when she makes pants they look like a flowy dress. The top seems to clash with the pants, no? Are they different colors? This looks like the always on the rag Jersey’s panties.
Her next dress is pretty plain, too. It’s made for a frigid woman. You can tell cuz the womb is frowning.
Icktor’s next. Cute cigarette pants, fug top and fuglier jacket.
Look 2 is a waitress skirt with a well made blouse in a gross pattern. Meh.
Three is a simple black dress that makes the model look like she has giant hips (YAY!). I would say this is the most boring ass thing I’ve seen all night, but he’s smart and knows that Heidi always loves a little black dress. Don’t all fat chicks?
So that was the final five. Sad, sad, sad. No matter what the challenge is, these yoyos always make drecky boring blah. The judges start with Jersey Chore, who blahs for way too long about the story behind his bs clothes. Kors compliments his diversity but says it’s still a bit overdone. Zoe says the gown is very Statue of Liberty, and Heidi says the fabric looks cheap and he probably likes it cuz it’s shiny. LOL. He hisses “Is that an assumption?” No, it’s a jab at your overt tastelessness. Kors says shiny can get cheap looking really fast, and Jersey rolls his head and seethes. LOVE IT.
Himberly. Zoe compliments the silver dress and the coat and gives her an overall wow. Kors thinks the coat looks like a collapsed souffle and hates the color palette. Heidi doesn’t think it goes together. Nina loves the silver dress but not much else. Him says she loved being here and thanks them for the opportunity, and Heidingo asks if it’s her goodbye speech. LOL. She’s always trying to start shit. It’s easier than finding creative designers.
Bimbo. Heidi calls her out for being nervous, and Bimbo cries ugly-ily about dreaming of being a designer. Pussy. Heidi has no sympathy. She loves the gown, hates the skirt, likes the depression dress ok. Nina pretty much agrees, but laughs openly at the depression dress. Zoe likes the gown, but that’s it. Kors likes the gown ok, hates the second, triple hates the third and says she choked.
Miss Trinidad. Nina likes the different angles of the clothes and says the collection is cohesive and pretty. Heidi, of course, loves the black dress. Kors says it’s sophisticated and she’s pushing herself. Jersey shits himself. He could be mad or just unable to control his loose butt. Zoe says the white gown looks like a condom and recommends using them next time she’s around a camcorder.
Icktor. Heidi calls him the best tailor, but the most boring designer. Nina loved it, but says he needs more personality. Zoe likes the waitress skirt but hates the fat hips on the black dress. Kors says his collection is the most commercial. So are Target clothes, which these would be. He meant all that as a compliment. As he would. I get that it’s your “thing” to wear all black all the time, but that’s not a “thing”. It’s just sad. You look like you smell like mothballs and death. Please discover pastels. So why do these jokers think they should go to Fashion Week?
Jersey says with the extra time to not be horrible he could be less gross. He would take Icktor and Miss Trinidad! That’s big of him. Or he’s a giant kiss ass and knows the judges love Trini. Himberly should go cuz she wants to change the face of fashion. Just change the face of your fashion, dude. Or just your face. You can get a plastic vagina, but jawlines are a novel everyone can read. She would take Trinidad and Bimbo, cuz they would be the most creative. Leave it up to the tranny to be the most allegiant woman around. Miss Trinidad says she’s unique (cries) and says she can taste it. No one wants to know what she means by that. She would take Jersey Chore because she can beat him easily and Icktor because she would kick his boring pallid ass in the end. Bimbo stutters and cries more about how she wants it. Heidi just gives her dirty looks and tries not to laugh. She would take Icktor and Miss Trinidad. Jersey looks pissed. HAHAH. Icktor pulls the immigrant card. He would take Jersey and Miss Trinidad. Love that these queens changed their tune after they heard the judges gush over Trinidad. WUSSIES!
In alone time, the judges gush more over Trinidad. They love Icktor’s sewing skills. They didn’t love today’s work, but he’s shown that he can design for Target so yay. I don’t understand any compliments Jersey gets, cuz I thought it was pure fug. Nina says she could shoot his stuff for the magazine. UGH. So there’s your top three. Bimbo can construct but has very little originality. Heidi likes that Bimbo cried, so she might send her to fashion week cuz she wants it most. Himberly’s jacket is dissed universally, and Heidi calls Him out on doing the same top she won with in the make Nina look fat and dressed three decades too young challenge.
The designers are brought back out. Miss Trini is in! Icktor is in! He says he’s not surprised. UGH. Go away. Jersey Chore is in! BOOOOOO! FUCKING HIDEOUS! He says that he’s starting to write his book and in the future he will be part of history. The Downfall of the Spray Tanned Ape Queen.
Bimbo’s out! WOW! Himberly’s in. I didn’t see that coming, but I like Him so I’m not sad. Plus, Bimbo was a c word to Burt so CYA BITCH! Nina tells Bimbo to keep being a good person, and Nina asks her to get pregnant soon cuz she’s hungry.
Next week, we get to see the petrie dish Jersey Chore sprang from. Yikes. See you then!