Project Runway Recap: Fat Guy Murders Dreams

Previously on Project Runway, Dolliver the Beigeian almost threw up in nine different accents when he saw giant boobies,

I no feeleth goodez

…Joshua dressed like a gay pride parade float crashing into a clown Hearse,

…and Doughy Christian got kicked off before we could see if that scab on his lip would heal. Loose ends!! I hope that scab gets a spinoff show, I’m dying to know what happens to it.

We open with the boys wondering what today’s challenge will be. Pollyanna Matlock says that no matter what happens, he will be glad to try something new and grow as a person and as an artist. Kidding! He says it will be fucking torture no matter what the challenge is because people are horrible and life sucks ass. Well said.

Positive thinking is for delusional idiots.

So…are the designers only allowed to bring two shirts to the show? Cuz Nutless is trashing the American flag again.

Fauxhawks are why terrorists hate this country.

Jersey Chore is all alone in his apartment, which is probably best for humanity. He tells us that this competition is super draining emotionally and physically. And don’t forget financially. Do you know how much it costs to have eight pounds of makeup on your face every single damn day? A lot. Which is why he has no money left over for therapy or decency. Do they sell that? Dollivier decides that he’s not doing so well these days, so he starts with a new attitude.

Well, that’s one way to make it.

He’s also wearing red instead of beige, which worries me. I barely recognize him, and he’s not blending into the background. You know what happens to Army dudes who take off their camouflage? They get shot. And red shirts are always the first to die on Star Trek and Lost. There is danger all around the Beigeian today. If John Locke asks you to gently carry a suitcase of bombs across the island, run like hell, kid! Oh wait. You’ll probably faint again if you run. Just mumble “No thank you” in a Frenchxican accent and move away slowly.

Fat Bitch Heidi comes out looking like a black hole of despair.

Her super secret clue is “Image is everyteeng!” I hope it’s fat kids who have blurry vision. Or fat people who work at photo development counters at Walgreens. Or fat people who like to draw. Just please, make them fat. There’s nothing quite as exhilarating as watching dolls cry. I used to fill up my little sister’s Betsey Wetsey and squeeze it all day long and laaaaugh and laaaagh.

Still no tears? COME ON! Someone get Tim in here!

They go to meet Tim at Rockwood Music Hall. He’s waiting for them with some stylist from White Rain. No matter what the challenge is today, the models will smell like the 99 Cent Store. Tim says that, as we know, music and fashion are “profound forms of personal expression.” I was just thinking the thing today as I listened to Beyonce warbling that she doesn’t know much about “algebuh.” That’s some profound shit. Rolling Stone has created super profound covers of rock stars over the years. Ugh. Reader’s Digest has created profound covers of people who wake up at five am for no reason and pop blood pressure pills like they’re Skittles. Change magazines!! Rolling Stone sucks. Bring on some seniors. I wanna see Matlock flirt and Beigeian sob.

Whoever can teach my Meemaw how to use an iPhone first gets to be team leader.

The White Rain guy says that music isn’t all about…music. It’s also about looking cool. Or something. They can’t get anyone famous to be the clients, so they’re bringing in some band called Sheepdog. Yay! We get to see never weres pretending they’re A listers! LOVE IT. White Rain guy is wearing almost as much makeup as Jersey Chore. There are a lot of wonderful things about the gay culture. Musicals. Penises. Body waxing. There are also some really, really terrible things. Like Sephora.

The winner gets a Rolling Stone spread and a mix tape of really bad songs. I’m kinda bored until Tim announces it’s a team challenge! Team One is Dolliver! Cheers. Icktor! Cheers. Himberly! Cheers. Jersey Chore! Frightened crickets. That leaves Matlock with Miss Trinidad, Nutless, and Bimbo. Bimbo is kind of a bitch about it, but that’s expected. She’s got sunglasses on her head. No one who wears sunglasses on their head as an accessory isn’t an asshole.

Nutless and Bimbo are both displeased with Matlock being on their team, and Nutless reminds us that the last time they all worked together was a disaster. You mean YOU were a disaster. You and Bimbo got your asses ripped apart on that challenge, and you two dimwits did that all on your own. As I recall, Matlock wasn’t the one who turned Kors’ face into a Lava Lamp.

The Sheepdogs are all men, which freaks everyone out. Especially Himberly, for some reason. She hasn’t dealt with boys clothes since she came of age. It’s odd, but I get it. Having a stick and a couple balls doesn’t make you a baseball star.

The band starts blasting out a song for them, and Beigeian starts swatting like he’s being attacked by invisible bees. LOL.

It’s not a color wheel. Calm down.

Then he gives the highest compliment you can give a musician:

The lead singer is named Ewan. I have a feeling his friends call him Ew, which makes me sad.

Bimbo asks what image they wanna represent. Fuckin’ hippies, of course. Not the modern kind in Priuses and hemp pants and PETA calendars on their stainless steel refrigerators. The real kind. The hairy, dirty, boning strangers in the name of world peace kind. Man, when you think about it, it’s really sad to see how far hippies have fallen.

Old hippies

New hippies

Miss Trinidad wants the dork who’s requesting a dashiki, because she can do pretty much the same thing she’s done all season but with longer sleeves. Jersey Chore wants the one who’s wearing the snakeskin boots cuz he has that terrible t-shirt that matches. You know he’ll be pulling that thing out of the hamper and wearing it to judging. Bimbo wants to make red bell bottoms for the horsey faced dude, and Beigeian just wants to make something…

…ian.

Tim announces that even though it’s a team challenge, they will be judged individually. So it’s not a team challenge. Why are you calling it a team challenge if it’s not! False advertising! Matlock takes the lead singer, and I can’t wait to see how that bear will look in a simple sundress. Dollivier thought he had a leg up on this one because he normally does menswear, but sure enough, he gets stuck with the fat dude so all he can do is complain. HAHAHAHAH. Karma is a fat bitch. You guys, I think there might be something wrong with Matlock today, like, physically.

Please stop that. You’re depressing me.

Nutless thinks Matlock won’t remember enough about the seventies to be helpful since he can’t even remember where his toothbrush is. I’ll bet he remembers that you wore that shirt yesterday. And the day before. And the day before. Every time Nutless comes on screen I feel like I’m campaigning for Obama.

!!!!!!!!!!!!

Icktor and Bimbo are both designing for the same dude, but there is no red denim at mood, so Icktor’s gonna make regular jeans and Bimbo’s gonna dye some jeans red. Dude requested red jeans, so he will get red jeans. I can already tell this is going to be as creative as the last challenges. This show is starting to become a lame ass shopping trip to Marshall’s. But without my mom following me around giving me terrible life advice and lamenting the absence of the Husky brand.

Miss Trinidad is having trouble finding anything decent to buy. She’s very disappointed in herself. Now you know how your mother feels every time she gets another email from a lady in her Ma Jong club with the subject line “Have you seen what your daughter did?!?”. Well, if worse comes to worst, you can always just give the hippie what you’ve got on now. You know that’s all your ass is planning to sew anyway.

Dollivier gets yelled at by Tim cuz he’s so slow. You guys won’t BELIEVE what Doll has picked.

Bimbo has gone a hundred and fifty bucks over budget, but luckily there’s a handsome, sweet southern gentleman with a mind like a whip and a voice like candy to help her out. Matlock!! She takes his dough, of course, and says she takes back everything she ever said about him. He laughs and asks her to take back what she is going to say in the future. LOL. If only you could take back the future. Jersey Chore’s adopted Asians wouldn’t be trying to run away and the rot from Nutless’ American Flag shirt wouldn’t have given him tetanus.

Back at the workroom, Dollivier is taking advice from Jersey Chore, which shows how far up crosseyed creek he already is. He’s whining in twelve different accents about how there isn’t a fat and hairy enough dress form to work with. NO FAAAAAIR este pero parlez vous schnella. “He’s massive.” HAHAHAH. Miss Trinidad says that in real life, fat people wear clothes too. Doll is dumbfounded by this thought. Some people like to eat dinner while they watch this show. For some reason, Lifetime doesn’t like that.

Jersey Chore has just killed men’s butts for me. He must be taken down, dammit!

Miss Trinidad and Icktor talk shit about Dollivier. Everything he makes is beige and he sucks with people. Isn’t it magical enough that he can walk and talk? What do you people want from him? Until you can talk like you’ve inhaled all of Epcot Center, stfu and go back to your kimono and stereotypical gayness, respectively, please. Tim comes in with the White Rain guy to talk about how to style hippies properly. This is hair and makeup, right? Smoke break! The one who could use a consolation is White Rain. He looks like Courtney Love after a rough night trying to make herself presentable for a court hearing.

Why are they doing these guys’ hair, anyway? They don’t do their hair. That’s the point.

I predict this will be the best piece of the night.

 

Bimbo asks Ick if he’s made menswear before, and since he’s right in front of Dollivier, he is sure to answer loudly that he has made button up shirts in every size. Even for fat bastards. He’s such a lukewarm bitch. Either commit to the role or just be nice, ya dishrag. Dollivier is oblivious. The guys seemed to be open to anything, so there’s no way he weel deeslige eetz pero este. Oh, there’s a way, and I have confidence you will find it.

The next morning, Himberly is still worried about menswear. You’ve seen the show before, right? Cuz there’s always a menswear challenge. She says she’s in a frenzy. You wanna see what Himberly in a frenzy looks like?

Matlock didn’t buy enough fabric, and he mutters that he might not have enough to finish. You shouldn’t have been nice to that skank, Bimbo! Charity kills!

I would give you money but I know you’d just spend it on booze and I’m a better person than that.

Matlock dyed some fabric and it came out purple. He’s not happy, but is he ever? No, no he is not. That’s part of his charm. If Publisher’s Clearinghouse showed up at his door, he’d bitch that the check was too large and ask for a money order or some shit. Bimbo says that since it’s not technically a team challenge, she’s not gonna design anything for him. I’m sure if he could hear your backbiting ass right now, he’d thank you. If he wanted to make the hippies look like they were about to guest star on the Lawrence Welk show, I’m sure he could do that all on his own. And that shitty remark will cost you a hundred and fifty dollars. Also, if this situation was reversed, you know Bimbo would have given him the money and then told the judges that he cheated by going over budget in the end. And she would have been right. She has fifty percent more money than everyone else? Bullshit.

Tim comes in with the hippies for consultations. I hope he tries to seem cool and use only hip five syllable words. The only guys Bimbo can get to talk to her are gay ones, so she’s made what she knows. Pink pants and a really deeply cut tank top. Her model is Straight Santino, and he’s worried that his chest hair might look gross. Hahahah. Butch it up, Bimbo!

Where the fuck is Andre, brah?

Nutless is making the same shirt his dude wore at their initial meeting, but in a different print. Why even fucking bother, man? Matlock has made a super gay outfit, which is awesome. His guy says the top looks like his mom’s nightgown, and Matlock starts telling him the vision of his “blouse”. HAHAH! Tim says that blouses are for shawty’s. Tim worries that Ick is making Straight Santino look cheap, as opposed to poor.

Himberly borrowed some fabric from Miss Trinidad, and the dude likes it better than what she originally had. I think the theme of this episode is don’t be nice to people. Ever. Miss T is worried that her favor might cost her a win, but she hated the fabric she picked out in the first place and it turned out to be a success. So she doesn’t really have a handle on this one either way. Which won’t hurt her. She’ll glue together a muumuu and win the whole thing. Jersey Chore has sewn yet another external zipper onto his tacky ass outfit, but this one is on the crotch and Tim doesn’t like that. Jersey says calling out dick was his point. LOL. He designs only for gay guys. SHOCKER. If the winner of this show got a spread in International Male, he’d win it hands down. God I loved that catalogue.

Now THIS is fashion.

Dollivier’s work looks like the bathroom in a Bed and Breakfast that needs to be burned to the ground before anyone gets asbestos poisoning. What the hell was he thinking?

Fat Guy laughs openly when he sees that shit. Dollivier says it’s really hard making clothes for fatties, and when the dude is on stage he looks even fatter. Fat Guy is like “um are you calling me fat?” and Dolliver is like “yes duh fatfatfatparlevouzperoestem”. Tim gives Doll a disapproving look, and Doll stares back at them in a really dull lifeless sort of defiance.

Got a problem, Fatty?

I want to cry. And eat. Then cry some more. Then eat my tears. With ketchup. And bread. Lots of breeead.

Tim asks if Dollivier can finish in time, and he answers that it’s harder to make a tent for such a fat bastard and it will take longer cuz fat people make him slow. Fat Dude’s posture gets worse and worse. We need to reform hate crime laws so this poor guy can punch the shit out of Dollivier without spending 20 years in fat guy prison.

Matlock’s purple dye job didn’t go so well, so he decides to put more of his personality into it and use the color of his soul.

Jersey Chore and Nutless talk about how wrong Dollivier’s old lady wallpaper look is, and I agree, but they’re both kinda terrible so it’s still annoying to hear it come from them. Thankfully, Dollivier is back on my screen to call his dude “a plus size model” and talk about hating fat people more. LOL! He really is a damn fool. “You can says I eegnoreentz be co I onlee desinedez fo model.” Well, there are plenty of reasons to call you ignorant, and it somehow makes me love your earth toned ass even more. Wanna see more of Jersey Chore’s hairy bottom ass? Me neither. FF.

Fittings! Bimbo laughs with her model about how ridonk Fat Dude looks in Matlock’s look, but I don’t think it’s so bad. Comparatively. There is even more terrible work than usual tonight.

LOL!

Icktor makes sure he has fun right up to the very end.

Please stop letting HImberly try on your clothes and get serious.

Dollivier has taken revenge on Fat Guy by making him beige pants that are like three sizes too small. HAHAHAH. He’s such a little shit. I’m sad that he’ll be going home. I hope he gets a spinoff show where he tortures fat people to get them in shape. It will be like the International version of Biggest Loser. The rest of the band takes Fat Guy to Baskin Robbins to cry it out til runway time.

Jersey Chore and Himberly start gossiping about how terrible Doll is when they feel a giant beige cloud behind them. Even without changing the background color to disable his invisibility cloak, Jersey knows it’s Dollivier. He’s embarrassed that he was caught being a c word. At least I think that’s what this crosseyed cheap bleached badly fake baked greasy ass look is all about.

Doll knows people are “concernt” about his lack of skills, and his defense is saying “whatevah” over and over. Hehe. Jersey tries to be condescending with him, but he doesn’t look at the googly eyed freak and just shrugs him off. Back at the apartments, the girls try to tell themselves that they might suck, but at least Doll and Matlock suck more. I don’t know about that. You’re pretty bad. Meanwhile, Matlock says Canadians shouldn’t wear “dashookies or whatever they are” because being Canadian is embarrassing enough, and Doll says that his work isn’t good, but it’s definitely not the worst. That’s a tough call with this group. Let’s just agree that you all suck and call it a draw.

The next morning, Tim announces that instead of walking the runway, the band will be performing two songs for the judges. Oh Jesus. Did this entire band blow Weinstein? I look forward to the suicide faces on Nina and Kors. Jersey Chore ran into stumbling blocks with his work, so he rips off Icktor’s fringe blatantly and runs like a girl with it. Icktor, behind his back, of course, says that it’s a competition “an I done theen nobody should be copeen anybody.” Horribly said, but well put. If it’s true that Jersey stole, he chose the wrong look to steal. It’s….Ick.

Matlock hasn’t tie dyed for decades, so he decides to update the look with his own experiences.

And his experiences involve a lot of pants crapping.

Fat Guy is really nice to Matlock because he knows the horror show waiting for him with Dollivier. Sure enough, he’s left there in his underwear staring at Doll’s plan to make the pants fit.

I could type some more about how Doll is a mess, but why? Matlock says that Himberly’s work looks like a Grandy’s uniform. HAHAHAH!!!!

Time for the runway! Miss Trinidad is going into this knowing that she and Himberly are on the bottom. Don’t worry! The worst wins all the time on this show. You have a shot! Fat Bitch Heidi comes out on the runway looking like she just ate the Greyhound the Sheepdogs call their tour bus. Let’s say hi to the Judges! Hi Kors! He’s not really even orange anymore, but he’s not quite brown either. He looks like renal failure.

Hi Nina!

Hi Adam Hambert!!

Fuck. A guy who loves makeup and terrible shiny tacky clothes. Jersey skates again! And now, for the first time in Project Runway HISTORY, let’s welcome Fatty Longstocking and the Dad Band!

The only thing harder than being a fat hairy guy is being a fat hairy girl.

Nutless is first. His pants are badly cut, poorly sewn, his shirt looks like a dying girl tree, and he’s got a fringe cape. So tie dye and fringe is the theme of the night I guess.

Miss Trinidad hooker wahs about how bad her work is. She’s not wrong, but it’s a hellofa lot better than Nutless’, and he’s acting like he’s proud of his.

And now Bimbo with more terribly made bell bottoms, tie dye and fringe. Are these people fucking kidding with this? Why are they all making the same thing?

Matlock’s is at least different. The t-shirt and Lane Bryant jacket are a bit much, but I love the pants he made.

The song they’re singing is called “Help Me”, and it couldn’t be more appropriate. Now for the next round. Dollivier’s look is pretty decent, actually. Granted, it’s from really far away, but still.

Jersey Chore’s followed the same format as almost everyone else. Terribly made bell bottoms and fringe. The gay zipper in front makes the poor dirty hippie look like he’s got an asscrack instead of a wiener, and there are extra pockets in the back to store his flat ass in.

Oh look! More bell bottoms and tie die! OY Himberly. I don’t know why, but I had high hopes for you.

Icktor spent a lot of time distressing pants to make them look like they came off the floor at Old Navy. Fringe, pleather, and a lame pattern. He’s managed to make his hippie look like Fat Guy. The pants are made well, though. There was a girl I was in sixth grade with that was obsessed with horses and not combing her hair. Every day she smelled like Cheerios and wore this jacket:

Worst runway show of the season, and there’s been some pretty stiff competition for that title. Himberly’s team is excused, and the band is brought out. Miss Trinidad says she was going for Jimmi Hendrix, and Kors says the only thing they would possibly have in common is heroin. Nina chides them all for making lame ass hacky overdone and uncreative clothes. Fat Bitch liked Bimbo’s the best, but doesn’t like the fringe. Then you’re not gonna like anything today. Ham liked it, too. Kors says the guy looks like he cut himself shaving. LOL! Sweeney Todd? HAHAHA!

Nina says it looks like a ladies jacket with a scarf from the mall. The editors throw in a hi-hat shot. HAHA editors. Matlock says he didn’t wanna do bell bottoms cuz they were hideous in the 70′s and still are. Ham likes what he did, and Kors does too, even though Fat Guy kinda hates it. Heidi hates the pigtails because they gave Fatty a personality his music can’t and it seems unfair.

Nina calls Miss Trinidad’s guy Pocahontas. Heidi boos the ass on her pants, and Kors says that they can finally tell she doesn’t know how to sew. He adds that the collar looks like a fake suede lobster bib and the whole look is Brady Bunch dashiki. Ham cracks up and says it looks like an eighth grade production of Hair. I think Matlock is magical, cuz week after week people shit talk him and then go down in flames. Trini takes it like she takes a man. Swallows hard and breathes out her nose til it’s done so no one sees her cry on the inside.

Nutless is playing smart by showing up looking even more ridiculous than his terrible work.

Fat Bitch calls it mediocre, and Kors says it’s Golden Girl goes Rock n’ Roll. LOL. The other team is brought out. In the back, Bimbo tells everyone that it was her first time getting a bad critique. Um, not it’s not but delusion is what dreams are made of so keep on keepin on. Fat Guy doesn’t like Dollivier’s beige pants and says he told Doll that he didn’t want beige. Heidi is bored by the whole outfit, Nina says it’s too girly, and Kors says there’s nothing interesting about it and he has no excuse for sucking so bad when he’s the one who’s supposed to know menswear. They make him pull down the janky sleeves. Ouch.

Kors says Him’s looks like Peter Brady at the Autumn Harvest. Ham cracks up again. Kors is on a roll. Ham says it’s very “Scooby Doo Where Are You?” and Kors adds that it’s a terrible bowling shirt. LOL. Him admits it sucks and doesn’t bother fighting. Kors and Fat Bitch both love Ick’s pleather jacket. Ham agrees, but thinks the shirt is too pussy for it. Kors gives him credit for making the only real pair of jeans that are done well. Jersey is next. He’s complimented on the zipper! HUH?!?! No one’s thrilled, but no one’s grossed out either.

Doll, Trinidad and HImberly are the least favorites. Trini gets points for never making mens clothes and Doll is dissed for knowing mens clothes and not doing them well. Nina says Himberly’s is flat out bad. She’s never made men’s clothes either, so she’ll get a pass. Which seems totally unfair, but that’s nothing new. The judges agree that Jersey’s guy was the hottest. UGH. Ick’s jacket was great, but his guy looked homely. Nina stands up for Ick and says he was head and shoulders above the rest.

Icktor wins!! He invented fringe, you guys. He totes deserved it. Miss Trinidad is in! I told you she’d skate. People breeze through easier when they make people believe they might be getting a free blow job at any second. Doll and Him are in the bottom. Himberly’s in!! BULLSHIT!!! That’s sooooo wrong!! How in the hell can they justify that? Hers was the worst of the entire season. Wow. She cries and gets a long diary room even though she lost, but you can’t really blame the editors. Doll just mutters random foreign words and stuff. I can’t concentrate too hard on what he’s talking about cuz it’s putting me to sleep, but his last line is: “I can focus my carreea in dat erection.” Wow. Makes me sad I missed the first part of that sentence. Kind of.

Icktor is psyched to shoot for Rolling Stone. Unfortunately, his model doesn’t look as happy.

Are we famous yet? I wanna piss on this thing.

So now there are seven left. Will we get a week where there is actually decent work coming down the runway? I don’t know. I do know that my life is a lot sadder without an earth toned phonics abuser. Sad muttering in five different accents horns.