Previously on Project Runway All Stars, Kenley played the Harvey Feirstein role in Hairspray on Broadway,
Mondo let his negative attitude fuel him to a win,
You’re not good enough, you’re not smart enough, and people don’t like you.
And Janky was kicked off, giving us the best man tears of the season on her way out.
You’re dripping testosterone onto your t-shirt.
We open this week with Mila saying she’s still here because of her risk taking. You’re still here because your home made bangs entertain Harvey Weinstein. Also, he’s probably holding out hope that you’ll eventually kill Bullwinkle.
I veel gayt dat bool.
Scarlett O’Scare talks to Kenley about missing Janky. Who is there to try and out-butch now? You can shave that mustache, now, Scarlett. He thinks that even though she didn’t make anything good this season at all, like not even close, that Janky deserves to be here. Certainly more than Mila or Jerell the Hobosexual. He should have been kicked off the day the first contestant found lice in their hair, but no one said this was gonna be fair. Just be quiet and concentrate on the tracks. No one likes a train wreck.
Scarlett and Kenley vow to inspire each other now that Janky’s gone. I hope this ends with Scarlett getting a cat thrown in his face.
Lesbians are gross.
Angela HideMe Lindvall meets the designers at the UN. This can only be bad for the world. We don’t need to bring our fashion to other countries, we need to take more cues from theirs. For example, Mila might get more dates with fashions from the Middle East.
Maybe cover the wonky eye and you’d be super popular.
Why is HideMe dressed like Little Orphan Annie? Someone needs to adopt her ass and take her far, far away.
I’ll take the skinny one who looks shocked all the time.
HideMe explains what the UN is. Duh. It’s where all the countries come together to fuck the people over even more. NO! It’s where the countries come together to find solutions to the world’s biggest problems! Which are leggings. Also, climate change, human rights, and world peace. So basically the UN does nothing worthwhile, because none of that shit’s been solved. And really? Climate change? When exactly did that switch over from global warming? Fuckin’ government.
The challenge is to design something for a specific country. Chunk prays that he gets Greece, “me bein’ Greek an awl!” You’re Greek like french fries are French. Made in America and filled with empty calories. I approve. I love french fries! You’re ok too, Chunk. Please cry more.
Mondo takes Jamaica cuz he likes the pretty colors. Chunk gets Greece and does some squats in celebration. It’s disturbing. Hobo says he only took that country so he could drape. Yup. You better hope whatever country invented gluing bottle caps to whore clothes stays open long enough for you to take it. And you seem to have a lot of problems with draping for someone who’s literally wearing drapes.
Mila takes Papa New Guinea because they don’t have straight bangs there, Hobo takes India, and Scarlett takes Seychelles. Huh? Where the fuck is that? Was China busy? Kenley gets stuck with Chile, who has a flag that looks like Texas’. Red white and blue. I hope she focuses on Texas’ unwillingness to let polka dots become a thing of the past. I have faith.
Chile should be sued for copyright infringement.
Kenley is glad that no one picked her because when her design sucks she can blame the flag and not herself for picking it. LOL. The designers spread out over the grass for some private sketching time. Kenley squeals at Austin across the lawn anyway. She kinda sucks in any country. Mila is worried about going too tribal with her looks. Do natives color block? There aren’t any models with saggy enough boobs to pull of the National Geographic look, so she’s just gonna pick some really big earrings and hope for the best. You’ll never believe what Chunk is sketching:
I’m excited to see tonight’s process of taking this sketch and then making pants and a t-shirt.
Mila doesn’t like this new budding Scarlett/Kenley friendship. Why do people have to be so….nice? It’s gross. On this, we agree. You should never be nice to someone like Kenley, because it’s like a green light for them to come over and squeal and cackle during your TV watching and you know that skank would eat all the dip. Scarlett takes Kenley’s gushing compliments and squeals and “I’m proud of yous” as a good sign for his design. I take his taking it as a good sign as a sign he’s gonna get kicked off tonight. In the meantime, there’s no reason not to try to get a good man while shopping.
Kenley found polka dots! JESUS! Just put a crown on Mondo’s head and let’s call it a season. Mila is, yes, color blocking. For the natives. LOL!! She wants to stay true to who she is, and who she is is too tired to come up with anything new. She’s in good company.
They have their own version of Cruella DeVille there, right?
Scarlett can’t come up with anything. Turns out he didn’t pick a country called Sea Shells and has no idea what the hell Seychelles is. Just make some super high waisted pants and be done done with it.
When Hobo thinks of India, he thinks of embellishments. Which means he’s gonna glue gun shit. Can one person here at least TRY to do something different this week? When I think of India, I think of customer service and kids covered head to toe in shit. Damn you, Slumdog Millionaire!
What Hobo will undoubtedly send down the runway tonight.
Hagatha Coffee comes in in really really yellow pants. She says “This is the most talented group of people in Project Runway HISTORRRRYYYY!” She says it in that “is she kidding or not?” kind of way, which makes me kinda like her. Mondo is making dress to be worn sans bra, which offends Hag. Please. Have you been to Jamaica? Me neither. I forgot my point.
She makes her way over to Hobo and says that his work looks like a national costume. He’s pissed. She could have been gentler and called it a whore who works the Keebler Elf tree block, but she didn’t. Just deal.
Joke’s on her, though, and she won’t know it until she reaches into her pocket later to get change for the soda machine. Chunk is working on a piece for the KKK prom, and Hag loves it but says he’s not really reaching. If you want him to reach, put a bag of doritos in front of him. She’s right, but he’s not gonna listen. No one listens to someone wearing bright yellow pants. There’ve been studies. Hag is worried about the lack of a bra and Chunk is offended. She meant on the model, Chunk.
Yay white people!
Scarlett’s work is a total mess at the moment. He pitches it for a few minutes, and Hag is offended that it’s the third dress in a row with no bra. HAAH. She was alive during the Women’s Movement, right? Bras are only around to mold boobs into a shape acceptable to men! BURN EM! Hag kisses Mila’s butt and moves on to call Kenley’s polka dots hacky. Kenley blahs about how it’s new and not the same damn thing she does every single week, even though the editors show us the same shit she does every single week. Mondo asks us “why is she still here?” Because the judges hate dimpled knees. I miss you Gordana!
Kenley ignores everything Hag says and brushes her off. Yellow pants. Chunk ignores Mondo’s advice too, which is way worse because Mondo was right on the money when he said Chunk’s dress was “Grease Frightening.” HAHAH.
Meanwhile, Scarlett is inching closer and closer to Tootsie territory with each segment.
The next day, Scarlett’s dress is still fug. Thankfully, Hobo’s is way way way uglier. Scarlett says “It’s one of the most tasteless, vulgar…hideous things I’ve seen in my entire life.” That’s saying something, considering how much of Hobo’s other work he’s seen. Hair and makeup time. SMOKE BREAK!
HideMe comes out on the runway looking bored with her own shock.
Today’s guest judge is some chick who became famous making a dress out of the American flag. I’m definitely with the flag burners on this one:
Hobo’s out first. India just cried. Then she stole a wallet off a trick’s nightstand.
I think Kenley thought her flag was for chile the food product, because she made a diarrhea skirt.
The ice skating was going so well and then bam. Never eat before a competition.
Scarlett’s work comes out WAY better than we were led to believe it would, but it looks too much like the gown that got him kicked off the Grammy challenge of his season. Bad sign.
Mondo made a black dress for Jamaica, which is full of black people. Racist much?
He added some colors from the flag on the back, but too little too late. A simple black dress. SHAME!
Mila’s makes no sense for the challenge either, but at least it’s kinda interesting. Cruella goes to a cocktail party.
Chunk is next, and Mondo was right. She looks like she was just awarded a ribbon. LOL. Best pjs at the fair.
The judges start with Kenley. They all love it. Eyesack tells her to stop doing the same thing over and over, even though he compliments all of her stuff. HideMe opens Hobo’s critique with a compliment about the stripe down the arm, and Flag gives him credit for the good idea. WTF? The fact that the judges aren’t barfing all over the place right now makes me lose even more faith in them.
Chunk’s dress is called “beauty pageant” and “acceptable.” HideMe says the bow would look better on a Xmas present. Scarlett’s dressed is called pretty but badly colored. HideMe says it’s not the worst thing she’s seen this season. Even she knows that this season is full of crap. Eyesack likes Mondo’s black dress but not the tribute to the flag on the back. Eyesack says he gets communism from Mila’s dress and says it’s disturbing to look at. So well done. This show confuses the hell out of me.
In alone time, the judges repeat themselves. Mondo wins! With a fucking jersey black dress. In any country, black hides fatness so it will always win. Kenley would have taken it if she didn’t do the same damn thing every week. And if she didn’t cackle. And didn’t squeal. Or jump. Or speak. Mila and Hobo are in the bottom. If Hobo stays over Mila, there is no justice. And as we all know that’s totally true anyway….HOBO’s SAFE!!!! WTF?!?!?! I’m not a huge Mila fan, but that’s just wrong.
Mila says that she’s evolved and grown as a designer by ignoring challenges and advice and just doing whatever the hell she does every day anyway. Eight episodes in, and I’m starting to get pissed. It looks like next week is a Christmas Tree challenge of some kind, so there’s hope. Oh wait. Eyesack says “I didn’t see any pretty woman walk down the runway.” Never mind.
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