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Welcome to Part One of the Project Runway All Stars Season Finale! I am two hours away from sitting back and making fun of people not on my TV again. Sure, I get the occasional bruise and or/slashed tire, but it’s fun making people cry. These idiots on TV can’t seem to hear me properly. Sit back, enjoy, and prepare to be disgusted. I haven’t watched yet, but I have eleven hours of experience to inform that there prediction. Let’s do this.
Previously, Chunk swallowed a battery,…
I miss Nina’s bed head so much right now.
…Mondo won the first ever “Spongebob Loses All His Money” Challenge,…
…and Kenley beat the shit out of the sky like it was a out of line fiancé and got sent home for being a bitch.
Poor sky! Not saying those bruises are your fault, but maybe you could rain less.
We open on the runway. Angela HideMe Lindvall comes out looking like she just sharted and is hoping no one in the elevator smells it.
Austin Scarlett O’Scare has shaved his mustache, so he no longer looks like a woman transitioning into a man. Now he’s back to looking like a lesbian.
Carpet: The breakfast of champions.
Just so we don’t forget that he is, in fact, technically a man, he wore the proudest gay shirt he could find. It looks like he went to a Fairy Bukkake party and let a whole realm of fae jizz glitter all over him.
Mondo isn’t impressed. He thinks Scarlett went from “Earl” Flynn to Kermit the Frog. Mondo’s aware that he comes off as a Benadryl addicted five year old girl, right?
Bora the Explora
HideMe is only saying congratulations with her mouth, but her face is saying “Bruce Willis has been dead this whole time?!?”
The challenge is to design five looks for a full runway show. “VIP” guests have been invited. I’m crossing my fingers for Meredith Baxter Birney, but it will probably be the cast of Army Wives. They will get to choose their own models, and they also get to visit the cave that Hagatha lives in! Wear a jacket and a scarf. It’s gonna be cold and bloodsucky in that place.
The designers arrive at the glass and steel tower that Hag makes her evil plans in, and Chunk says that just being here makes him feel like Hag on her way to work.
TXT from HAGCOL: I’m running late. Stopped by Burger King to make sure their “new fries” were as new as they said. They weren’t so
TXT from HAGCOL: I stopped by McDonald’s for some of their old flies.
TXT from HAGCOLE: GD autocorrect I meant fries. I don’t eat flies. iPhones sake.
TXT from HAGCOLE: Suck I meant. But sake sounds good. I’m stopping for Chinese.
They are forced to wait in a conference room while Hagatha tries to figure out how she’s gonna walk all the way down the hall while stabbing her arches bloody.
No wonder she’s such a bitch.
She’s in another Tweetie Bird dress. It makes her look like a melting creamsicle. You know she never uses this conference room because it has windows. That is the whitest living person I’ve ever seen.
The designers can ask her anything they want. Chunk wants to know what she eats. Despair and fear, of course. Mondo asks what Nina’s jayjay tastes like, and the answer is the same. Then he says that “we’ve all been criticized of being theatric.” Is English his first language? I would suggest he play some pictionary to improve his communication skills, but he can’t draw, either. Hopeless.
Chunk asks if lunch is provided along with the Guest Editor position. Food isn’t allowed in the building! Chunk is disappointed, but “Marie Claire is a foot into the fashion industry.” I root for Scarlett to win. He can at least talk. No one has any questions worth a damn, so to fill the time Hagatha does her favorite Gollum monologue.
We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little hobbitses. Wicked, tricksy, false!
The guys are set loose in the park to be inspired by stuff. Chunk is inspired by green. Deep, that one. He can see apartments from where he’s sitting, and they all have drapes. I just can’t imagine where this is going.
Scarlett gets laid in this park more often than not, so he’s going to make a wedding dress. Mondo isn’t too inspired yet. Hopefully, he will start noticing some miserable people. Misery always works for him. Over at mood, Chunk decides that he will go with a safari theme. Unless one of the Real Housewives is there showing off their Prada to starving orphans in an African village, I don’t care.
Scarlett wants to make stuff based on Hassidic Jews. LOL! I hope he forces his models to shave their heads and wear terrible wigs then enter through the back door so as not to offend the menfolk. There’s no one on Earth who hates fashion as much as the Hasidim, so this should be interesting.
Diddler on the Roof
Today they don’t have to share a workspace, and are kept in their own rooms. You gotta love that the producers watched this season and said “We’re short on drama. Let’s suck any possibility of future drama out now so it looks like we did this on purpose.” At lunch, Mondo is depressed and whiny. Scarlett tries to comfort him by being nice, but Mondo just gets bitchy and rude and goes back to his workroom to whine about wanting to quit. Byeeeeeeee! Downer Diaz.
Scarlett is designing four things he’s already made, so it looks like Chunk is the only one going insane to take a chance. “Dis is for a lady who’s goin on a crusade wit Indiana Jones and da last Costello!” LOL. Sounds ridiculous, but Kate Capshaw helped out Indiana Jones and ended up marrying Steven Spielberg. Is Chunk gonna win this thing?
Let’s check in on Mondo to see what he’s come up with.
Oh just curl up into a ball so I don’t look like a total dick when I kick you.
Chunk, working on his Real Housewives of Atlanta Safari line, tries to make Mondo feel better, but a positive attitude would take away any shred of personality he has. Mondo sighs “It’s a lot of pressure.” Um, you know Chunk is doing the exact same challenge as you, right? With high blood pressure no less. This guy’s full of more whine than a Junior Leaguer at a backyard luncheon. “I feel dead inside.” You’d never know it.
Chunk tells the little girl that she can come into his room whenever she wants, but Mondo says he doesn’t wanna go to the zoo. HAHAHAH!! Chunk, not knowing if his line or his grooming habits are being dissed, isn’t happy.
Hag already punched in once today, so Georgie shows up to the workroom to check on their progress. Mondo is annoyed by her stupid voice. LOL. I’m liking him more and more today. Georgie tells them that she got her start at Neiman Marcus. It’s where she first blew the bloated old rich dude who made her famous. The finale should take place in a super seedy dressing room. Mondo is all pissy through her reading of the cue cards, and she finally asks him what’s up. He’s a horrible little man.
Mondo, you must be angry, because we all know that you don’t care about grooming.
He snaps that he’s sick of everyone telling him what he’s capable of. Um…she never said you were capable of dick, dude. Georgie answers with a robotic generic kindness. This woman puts up with Harvey Weinstein every day, and she’s showing us how she does it. This bitch has earned every penny she’s got.
She tells the whiny little idiot that back when she was an amateur, making a collection would freak her out, too, but now she’s fine. HA! In other words, buck up ya fool. There’s a reason you’ve not been able to get a career since leaving this show.
Most angelic “Grow the fuck up” in reality history.
So she’s talented, gorgeous, and graceful. She doesn’t belong on reality TV. Nina needs to get here to eat the head off a baby STAT!
Mondo isn’t inspired by her words at all, so he decides that he’s gonna lie around all day and do nothing. If he wins this thing I’m gonna…nothing. I won’t do anything. But still, gross. He would be wise to skip the iced tea at lunch and have what Scarlett’s having. Vodka is the road to being a better person. It’s why I won’t leave the house without chugging at least one shot. And people love me! Or at least I’m drunk enough that I think they do.
The next day, Mondo is still in a c wordy mood, but at least he’s drawing! The inspiration for his line will be errant sperm and fucked up lines of DNA. Now THIS is what you should have given your mom for her birthday.
He figures he needs therapy, so that’s what he’ll call his collection. You also need steroids and humility, but I guess that makes for a less exciting time on the runway. During model casting, Scarlett makes one of the models try on his dress. HAHAH. The other two are pissed, but Scarlett’s the scariest so they let him win. Smart move. Mondo tries to snag a model, so Scarlett calls for a coin flip and wins. Mondo whines “Good for Austin. That’s become my motto. Good. For. Austin.” Really? Because if anyone has been handed a shit ton of wins for doing some seriously shitty fugly work, it’s you, foo. Your motto should be “THANK YOU JESUS.”
Mondo’s anger gets him to sew stuff finally, and he says he’s inspired by acupuncture and shock therapy, but it looks more like he’s inspired by Kenley…
EyeSack comes to check on progress. Why be a terrible Tim Gunn knockoff on one Fashion Show when you could ruin two? His advice is as useless as usual. If you wanna be a success, get a funny personality and don’t actually worry about the clothes you make. Works for him! PS I LOVE Unzipped.
EyeSack’s left them all CDs of approved music to use in their shows and Scarlett and Mondo choose all their songs and leave Scarlett with scraps. Why doesn’t anyone take him seriously? And then he answers his own question.
Scarlett thinks Mondo’s theme is pretty cool but he’s not so into Chunk’s habit of only designing for tiny models with no tits. Scarlett’s all about the real glamorous woman! Who wants to dress like a misogynist man. ?? One thing I love about this show is that after so many seasons recapping it, I still have no idea what any of it means.
HideMe comes by today to mock Scarlett for his big hair and bowtie in the workroom and give them a twist. One more look! They’ll have to use discarded scraps from the season to create them, but they’ll also get discarded crap from the season to help them!
Mondo takes Mila, and Gordana Beaverhausen looks pissed. Hehe. Mondo chooses who goes next, and Scarlett jokes that he can choose Chunk. Everyone laughs at him, so Mondo chooses Scarlett. Now Chunk is pissed. It’s the little things that make me happy. And Scarlett takes Anthony the Flamíngay! YAAAAY! Poor Kenley! Bwahahahahah. Chunk takes April Rains, the gloomiest ass of the bunch. Poor thing came back as a bluehair. I wonder if April loves Luby’s as much as she looks like she does.
Flamíngay listens calmly and quietly to Scarlett describe his line as rocker chick lesbian summer dress ball gown Hassidic chic, but this is what he’s doing on the inside.
Mila was actually a good pick for Mondo. She’s already put two fabrics together that shouldn’t even be in the same room, and of course, black and white it is. Chunk’s just remaking his white Greek dress, Scarlett’s using some black leather, and Mondo’s using a piece of scrap from every challenge ever. The fuglier it gets the further he gets so who am I to judge? Flamíngay gives the most help, warning Scarlett that some of his stuff looks like it belongs on an old white lady. HA. I wish Flam could still take this thing.
So we should be at runway right now. Does this mean that THIS is the final collection? COME ON!! No home visits? I really wanted to see what ascot Scarlett would wear to his hot mom’s car. Boooooooo! Laziest finale ever! I guess that’s fitting. LAME.
Hag comes by to check on progress and offers no help or insight. Hair and makeup! At least they left that in for me. SMOKE BREAK! At the end of the day, the final three sit around awkwardly together and tell us how they’ve earned the win. Scarlett will save his mom if he wins. Mondo will buy poppers and avoid drawing class some more, and Chunk will take a vacation to meet Ben and Jerry in Vermont. Flashbacks of the judges giving critiques. I was bored enough the first time, editors!
That’s it for the biggest half assed finale in PROJECT RUNWAY HIIIIISTORRRRRYYYYY!! See you next time!
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