Project Runway Recap: Occupy Ross Dress For Less

Previously on Project Runway All Stars, even a fashion show in the dark couldn’t stop the fug,…

You can fight a ninja, but you can’t fight homely.

…a Cheeto fart from Chunk couldn’t bring Austin Scarlett O’Scare down,….

Smells like success! And the crafts services table!

…and dumping glow in the dark paint all over Kunta Kinte couldn’t stop Jerell the Hobosexual from being sent back to digging through public trash bins for sustenance and fabric.

The homage to the terrible fashion choices of other countries was last week, Hobo.

We open with a preview of Kenley’s next paying gig.

There are only four designers left, which should make this an exciting episode. Mondo breaks it down. There are two teams:

Team Fucked Up Calves

and

Team Which One of You Has an Actual Vagina?

Scarlett baby talks to Kenley. “Me want an emotional…” and Kenley jumps in “support!” You can’t even finish his sentence properly. You’re not soul mates. You just have a lot of out of whack hormones in common. Please stop holding hands.

Angela HideMe Lindvall comes out on the runway looking like someone just told her what a Dirty Sanchez is.

Today’s guest judge is known for her romantic designs. It’s about damn time there was a Fredrick’s of Hollywood challenge. Hobo totally could have won this one! Wait. No. Fredrick is nowhere to be found. It’s some chick named Nanette Lepore. That sounds like someone Pepe LePeu would have romanced. Oh no no. Her style is described with a lot of adjectives, but all I hear is Kenley over and over again.

HideMe tells us that Nanette’s studio is located in the Garment District, which is at risk of disappearing because of the cost of doing business in NY. Altogether now, FUCKIN’ GOVERNMENT! Well, at least global warming wasn’t blamed for this shit. Even though it probably should be.

If people would drive less and pay Al Gore for carbon credits, this poor immigrant wouldn’t have dehydrated in the middle of the street and turned into a statue.

The challenge is to make something cute and really cheap. This cast has the cheap down. They will most likely have as much trouble with the cute part as they have for the past ten weeks. Nanette has no personality, especially for a woman named Nanette. I thought she’d be all chunky and slutty and fun. She’s worse than the statue above. The designers will have to design something and pitch it to Nan before it’s made. The “coster” will appraise their ideas, tell them how much it will coster to make, and give them a budget. Ruhroh. To prepare for the poor people challenge, Kenley takes us back to the Depression Era. Both in looks and personality.

Don’t blame me for eating too many carbs. It’s called the bread line. When they make a vegetable line I’ll stand in it.

I know I’ve mentioned fatness like ten times already. Sorry, but my pants are really really tight. Kenley says this is the perfect challenge for her. She’s designed her own line and sold for the mass market before! That’s what everyone with a website says. Millions of people have the opportunity to buy Kenley’s stuff! She can’t help it if no one actually clicks the buy button. Why the hell would they?

She plans on making a version of the dress she made last time which was a version of the dress she made last time which was…it’s a circle of life. The only thing missing is a lion to end this once and for all.

Chunk is making a caftan. But this one’s totally different! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Just kick him off now and let me get to bed early. Scarlett’s making something flowy that can’t pronounce esses and Mondo has no idea what he’ll do. He hates to sketch and usually just draws hearts and shapes during the doodling segments. LOL.

The coster comes in and starts with Chunk’s bathrobe. Terrycloth isn’t cheap. That’s why I get the newspaper in a jock strap. Also because I really like scaring my neighbors. Chunk doesn’t have the jock strap option, and he only gets forty eight bucks to make his robe. He says it’s good to be prepared to end up on Ross Dress for Less clearance racks before you get your hopes up.

Kenley shows her base design for everything she’s ever made. She gets forty one bucks, says she nailed it, and giggles “I’ve done this a few times.” Someone in the comments (sorry I am way too lazy to look back) said a couple of weeks ago that Kenley was their waitress. She knows all about math. If it’s figuring out what twenty percent of a total is. Um, Miss? My order’s wrong. “No it’s not.” Kill.

Scarlett gets sixty five bucks. Mondo doesn’t know how to sketch, so he pitches a SpongeBob just jumped off the Empire State Building costume.

People gave Ana major shit last season for winning without being able to sew a stitch. Isn’t it worse to not be able to DRAW? At least she can boss people around. What the hell is Mondo gonna do as a professional? Whine until the seams are how he likes them? This is just sad. The coster is annoyed and gives him thirty two dollars while sad music tinkles in the background.

Kenley immediately starts nagging and tells Chunk that he needs to teach his little friend how to sketch. Mondo gets pissed, and Kenley just shrugs confusedly and says “I’m sorry then!” But you guys, she’s totally right. And it pains me to say that. WTF?

Scarlett stays within his budget at mood, which makes the coster like him. He likes her too. At least I think he does, because he’s sniffing her hair. What else could that mean?

Smells like wig. I KNEW IT!

Mondo makes sure he’s got enough money, and the coster can’t help but kinda laugh in his face. HAHAH. Coster FTW!

Psyched to see how you’re gonna make two yards of fabric cover a giant box woman.

Austin “Yaaaaay!”s in a super high pitch when Kenley announces that her table is next to his. Then birds start crashing into the window. Chunk realizes when he gets back to the workroom that his fabric has a giant white border. I don’t know how he’s noticing this now, but that’s Chunk for ya. I know Scarlett thinks he looks super cute and fashionable right now, but it looks like he’s wearing a hobo tie over a shirt made out of skin.

Put on the lotion or I’ll spray you with a hose, k sweetie? Love, Buffalo Jill

Kenley decides to ditch the keyhole she sketched because she doesn’t wanna make her hideous peacock fabric even more hideous. Chunk thinks it can be done. Why am I typing all this down? Let’s watch Mondo self destruct.

WAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! It was my mom’s birthday two weeks ago waaaaaah!!

He feels like fashion is “pushing me away”. LOL!! Well maybe you should stop beating it with an ugly stick, foo! Chunk is sick of his whining, but Mondo keeps M&Ms in his pocket so he keeps his mouth shut.

Hagatha Coffee comes in with Nanette to check on progress. It’s the most important challenge in Project Runway HIIIIISTORRRRRY! Kenley ignores her and is called out on it. Heheheh. Kenley’s model looks like an abused sky.

Nanette says that Kenley’s dress isn’t fit as close to the body as it was pitched, making it harder to sell. Ken gets all pissy and says it’s gorgeous as is. I wish Tim was here to smack her down with really giant drawly words. Kenley’s a brat, but it’s hard to describe the tone of her voice on the page. So I’ll let a picture do it.

They move on to Chunk. Nanette says that a neckline that plunges to the navel is unsellable without a hook or something. Guess what Hagatha hates? The fact that no one can wear a bra with it! HAHAH! BRA POLICE! Hag is one of those girls that bought a bra the second her mosquito bites popped up and wears one every day like a bandaid to stop herself from itching them. Jesus woman, for a lady without knockers you sure are defensive about boob support. Chunk explains that women who aren’t size negative 2′s have no place buying anything other than jogging pants and t-shirts anyway. Fat people need to stop hating other fat people. If we’d all just band together, airplanes would have Lazy Boys as seats and we’d all fly with overfilled buffets.

Scarlett says Chunk’s designs are unwearable unless you’re anorexic, and Chunk says he doesn’t get why the hell anyone likes Scarlett’s work. These two need to stop fighting for bottom and buy some toys. Or at least fight on camera instead of talking shit in the diary room. Do something. ANYTHING. Mondo’s done nothing, but it looks like he might be sticking to his SpongeBob sketch. Yikes. He has no idea what he’s doing, he can’t draw, and his dress is a square. Let’s see how this will lead to an inevitable win.

Scarlett is freaking a little right now, because this is the challenge that sent him packing in season one. Well, don’t worry, Nancy O’Dell isn’t here to fuck up your life. Now you have Kenley. Does that make you feel better? No? Why are you on the floor? Call the medics! He’s convulsing!

Did you ever see that episode of South Park where Cartman was pissed cuz he was the only kid in town who couldn’t get molested? Mondo’s totally reminding me of that right now. Stop begging for it, Mija! Just let it come naturally.

Maybe if I dress like a pack of gum and wear a lollipop, that mystical creepy white van will know I like sweets and offer me a ride.

Hair and makeup time! SMOKE BREAK! I might start taking that stop smoking pill cuz I wanna look younger and not cough and heave every time I cross the room. But then what will I do during this part of PR? I can’t quit. There. Decided. I’m dying young. Ish.

Mondo is feeling much more secure now that he’s got a dress. Sure, it’s a box that looks like it belongs in a children’s hospital filled with toys no one wants to play with, but it’s done. He says that being eliminated would suck because he doesn’t know how that feels. Um…yes you do. You lost to WRETCHEN, how could you forget that? I sure as shit never will. He says that the dress is fresh and fashion forward and it has something to say. It’s screaming for help. I hate this positive attitude. CRY, DAMMIT!

Scarlett points out that Chunk’s dress is very inappropriate, and he’s right. But you can’t blame the guy. He just wants boobs more noticeable than his.

Clown music plays as Scarlett says that he’s seen Chunk’s dress at a bargain basement. Chunk calls it beautiful and stunning and flawless. Heheheh. Delusion. This is also the challenge that sent Chunk home on his season, and in that episode he gave us his best work. In case you forgot:

LOL!!!

Runway time! HideMe comes out reaaaaaally slowly. Jesus. A woman this thin, you’d think she’d know how energizing diet pills can be. Can we please vote ephedra legal again so this bitch can move a little faster? The proceeds from the sale of whatever pile of shit that wins this challenge will go to the “Save the Garment District Fund”. Puhleeze. Fuck the starving people of the city. There are fugly clothes to be made! How bout you guys vote once in awhile for LOWER TAXES. I’m coming off as very Republican in this recap. I totally am. Down with gay people and contraceptives!

Scarlett’s look is first down the runway. Poor is the theme, and it shows. Can’t afford a tampon? Just crumple up a paper bag. This look is depressing, disappointing, and most of all, bloody UGLY.

Poor people on the rag.

Scarlett’s voiceover is sickening. If his clothes were half as good as the adjectives in his description, his mom would have a house right now.

Chunk’s look is next. You’ve seen it before, but never in scaly garden snake green. I’m thrilled to see the Mrs. Roeper look alive, but it would be nice not to be constantly reminded of her mossy jayjay.

Chunk tells us that this is for a sexy vacation. Cuz the green M&M is the sexy one. He’s fucking hopeless. Mondo’s Spongebob look is actually cute compared to the previous two disasters…in a boxy, not getting laid at my own preschool themed Quincenera sort of way. Who am I kidding? It’s horrible. And it will win. Mark my words.

Kenley’s peackock look is next. Still looks like a sky that got beat.

It’s like the Jessica Lange movie “Blue Sky” without the talent.

So that’s your top four. Fucking pathetic. Eyesack calls Mondo’s square sack “masterful”, which obliterates any tiny amount of respect I still had for him. Some judges bitch about the shoes, Georgie says it’s boring but interesting. Like Georgie, but minus the interesting. Chunk’s work is just sexless enough to be sexy, whatever that means. It’s too long, and Nanette brings up the lack of bra bs. Kenley has dissed the guest judge and Hagatha, so I don’t see it going well for her. There are a lot of compliments followed by “but”s. Nanette brings up the missing keyhole. Ken just needed one interesting aspect to the dress and she blew it. If I never hear the word keyhole again I will die a happy man.

Scarlett’s model looks like a saggy titted old lady who spilled sangria all over herself at the office party, but Eyesack likes it. Nan doesn’t like it on the runway, but thinks it could be ok for retail. Suckers who buy retail don’t even understand how much fug they are subjecting the world to. A bunch of assholes sit around the table deciding what’s just ugly enough to send off to the poor people. That’s solved, now what won’t we eat for lunch?

In the greenroom, Kenley evens out everyone’s feelings by reminding them that they all kinda sucked. In alone time, the judges agree that Scarlett’s horrid period coat is pretty. Mondo also gets some ass kissing for sending out something crazy, even though it’s sexless and boxy. HideMe says it’s the least fave of Mondo’s looks for her, which makes me respect her for half a second. Kenley’s not getting good reviews. It’s sexless and frumpy. She’s also a brat and won’t listen to advice. HideMe would love to see Kenley’s shop. Go to her website. It’s really funny. Polka dot hose? Revolutionary! Nan disses Chunk’s sketch but says she liked the end result. Not one judge mentions that he’s made the same dress nine out of ten times.

The designers are brought back out, and the bottoms are Kenley and Chunk. I kinda hope Kenley makes it. I saw a Mad Men poster today and I got excited about its return. Hey, I’ve gotta find some reason to get excited about this bs.

The winner is, let me guess, fucking Mondo. Scarlett’s safe! He thanks God for leaving Nancy O’Dell and her bs out of this. And…Mondo wins! Shocker. Sigh. What? No. Sigh. Just accept it. Chunk is called talented but not real enough, and Kenley is called a petty bitch. Chunk is in! Oh, Kenley. She’s a way better designer, but at the end of the day, she’s a c word. And c words never ever win. Except for Wretchen. And Irana. And…never mind. I’m depressing myself. At least I know that I can count on Kenley to give me terrible restaurant service one day! It’s not a truly great meal unless you get someone fired for a bad attitude. I loves me a comment card!

Next week, a mediocre hack will come one step closer to working for Hagatha, and Mondo offers up his greatest gift to make it happen.

Pass.