Previously on Project Runway All Stars, Mondo bought a t-shirt to help him envision himself with an actual personality,
Jerell the Hobosexual dressed an anorexic girl like a horny taco truck,
And Flamingay Anthony got kicked off for not using fabric off his muse, even though his muse didn’t believe in fabric in the first place. NO FAIR!
Please don’t let this make you think you feel to put clothes on ever.
We’re half way through the season, and the feedback on the net seems a little mixed. Some people miss the real personalities of the now zombified all stars, some people miss Tim and Heidi. Personally, I miss Gordana Poochihausen’s hot dimpled knees.
Come back to me, my little schnitzel!
We open with Kenley squealing and cackling about nothing while the other designers ponder complaining to customer service about the sealed windows blocking them from tossing her ass out of one. Mondo tells her he liked her until she opened her mouth. Hehe. She squeals and snorts. His disdain fuels her. She’s like one of those people trying to get signature for tree hugger causes outside Whole Foods. The more lit cigarettes you toss at them from your car, the faster they dance. He says she’s obnoxious and loud, but…she’s obnoxious and loud. Well put.
Austin is having the time of his life right now.
Angela HideMe Lindvall comes out on the runway with all different kinds of bags. Hobosexual says she looks like a bag lady. HideMe can expect a mother’s day card from him this year. The bags have different seasons in them. The designers are going to have to face off against each other in head to head battles. Hobo vs Chunk (I suspect they’d both take cake out of the trash as a snack, so that’s fair), Mila vs Rami (bore vs. snore), Scarlett O’Scare vs Janky Janx (if this were a “who can grow a real mustache fastest competition, Janky would win, but otherwise doubtful), and Mondo vs Kenly (who acts more like a teenage girl?). (Why did I use so many parentheses?)(Can’t.)(Stop.)
While Rami does pushups, Mila sketches another one eyed girl wearing the same style all of Mila’s one eyed girls wear. Mila really needs to fix her wonky eye. I feel like seeing two of everything is getting her into a repetitive pattern. Her woman is on her way to an art show. I wonder what would happen to a one eye while staring at those pics you have to focus on for like ten minutes before they make any sense.
I think this is the first design I’ve seen try to attract that ever elusive niche market of cutters.
Scarlett O’Scare’s woman is a city woman going to the Hamptons to check on her garden. Um…no. Poor people are so cute. This bitch would have a nanny cam behind a rose bush to make sure her illegal showed up on time, but that’s all the effort she’d put forth on the garden front.
If it doesn’t work out for Austin this challenge, he’s all ready to audition for the Jane Fonda role in 9 to 5 the musical.
Don’t be so scared. It’s just a copy machine.
Not much happens at mood. Chunk tries to get inspired by a candy wrapper on the floor and Jerell takes too many mints out of the jar by the cash register. I miss the dog. He’s been kenneled until Hobo takes care of his bed bug problem. Sadthedoghasmorepersonalitythanthiscast horns. Chunk always does some great sketches. I wonder if his work today will look anything like his drawing. You know it won’t, but it’s fun to have something to look forward to.
Mila’s making skinny jeans, just in case you didn’t hate her enough already. Rami isn’t threatened by her designs because they’re so different. He’s sweating, but that’s probably from the roids.
Mondo may have the personality of a paper clip, but he’s very sweet. He’s not feeling too inspired today, so he works on a pair of pants to gift to Chunk.
Kenley and Janky are patting each other on the back and assuring each other that neither is talentless while everyone else rolls their eyes. Mondo says Kenley is an arrogant twit who does the same thing over and over because actually following a challenge would be beneath her. Or beyond her. Meanwhile, Chunk is joking that his woman is going to go to Scarlett’s garden and cut up all the flowers. HAHAH. The only one who doesn’t find that hilarious is Scarlett, of course. I would tell him to take the stick out of his ass, but I don’t want his stomach to fall out.
Mondo and Chunk are both stuck. Mondo and Kenley both have polka dots, and it looks like Chunk’s just gonna try to make the same thing that Hobo is making. Wow. Aim a little higher, Chunk. Rami is proving that roids don’t give you limp dick by impregnating his dress form.
Hobo tries his art teacher Poncho on Kenley. Two fugnoyings don’t make a right, Hobo.
I can’t wait to see how this will look paired with a bikini.
Chunk is also making a sloppy hide my hips and arms and boobs and neck jacket. Insecure women are getting a double shout out tonight. Hobo asks where he got his inspiration, and Chunk deadpans that he stole it from Hobo. Stealing from hobos is just wrong. Unless they smart off to you. Or you need money for laundry. Or they’ve got a decent looking half a sandwich without much dirt on it. Chunk is offended. Shapeless messes aren’t the newest ideas. Besides. Chunk’s not making a pancho. He’s making a snuggie. BIG difference.
Mila’s on Hobo’s side. She knows not to mess with crazy people. It’s how she lost the first eye. I’m making it up I have no idea what happened to it. I like to think someone shanked her or she wanted to be an actress and got too method while auditioning for a Sandy Duncan biography.
Hagatha comes in to add nothing to the discussion. She starts with Janky, who pitches her “mom with two kids” look. Project JcPenny. Jesus Janky make an effort here. She’s making high waisted kulats! HAHAHAH!! Mom jeans haven’t changed since the eighties. Please don’t rock the boat.
Scarlett is also doing high waisted pants. Mondo does what he does when he feels stuck, he pitches a sob story. It’s his mom’s sixtieth birthday and he doesn’t get to be there! Oh wah. I went to my mom’s sixtieth and I got an entire decade of self hate and roughly thirty pounds from it. Way too much free wine at that party. I can’t wait til she turns seventy so I can send her a card that says “Fool me twice shame on you, skank. BUSY. Love, Flipit.”
He’s going to make what he would wear to his mom’s party: short shorts in a pattern so loud no one will be able to decipher whether or not he has an actual penis.
He’s also using polka dots. He must really hate his mother to show up to her party in that. Good lord man, respect your elders. Unless you’re on the internet. Then nothing counts. Hag says that she knows Petty Page is also using polka dots, because she’s a hack and that’s what she always does. Mondo argues that Petty may be the pd queen, but he’s the princess. Also, he’s not making cloth diapers for cartoon babies in the fifties, so he’s already won in the taste level department.
Hag tells Mila that if she saw her pants on the street, she would know that Mila made them. Mila thanks her, but I think she just got called a hack. Time will tell. Hag has been updated on the sitch by the producers, so she immediately asks Chunk to see his sketch. He fumbles around. Woops. Can’t find it! He’s got a really dirty devil on his shoulder.
She asks where he got the idea, and he mumbles that he was playing with muslin and came up with it. HA. Hobo won’t actually jump Chunk, so Hag points out that they’re making very similar fug in the same dreary colors with leather detailing. Hobo is pissed, so Hag calls a meeting. Are you inviting I Love Lucy? Cuz Kenley copies that show all the time and no one says a thing.
Kenley says that Chunk is a robber, Rami agrees, and Hag shrugs it off and says the one who sucks least will win. Well thanks for calling this meeting. At least she’s trying to bring some drama. Chunk sticks to his guns and says that he’s gonna keep on going, even if he is ripping off the most classless designer in the room. Mondo gets Chunk out of there to eat. Hobo saunters into the lunch room to pick cans out of the trash and accuse Chunk of stuff. He says he doesn’t want tension, but a burglary is a burglary. The worst part is that he accuses with his mouth open and full of chewed up scraps.
How many hobos walked away from Sears windows in embarrassment as they watched this? Shame on you.
Chunk doesn’t appreciate being accused and having Hagatha sicked on him with her Madonna accent. Hobo treats this fight like a stained blanket and refuses to let it go. Chunk whines and speed binges, but come on. He so did just steal what he saw next to him. I’m loving this, because it means we’ll FINALLY get some goddamn tears. YAAAAAY!!!
Hobo walks around the workroom talking shit about Chunk, and Chunk says that he’s ready to fight. A bucket of chicken, but still. That chicken will LOSE. Hair and makeup! YAY! SMOKE BREAK!!!
HideMe comes out on the runway all wide eyed and terrified looking and talkiiiiing reeeeally slooooooowly. The guest judge is Cynthia Rowley. I know her from lots of HGTV shows, but mostly from this one where she had a head to head battle against Vern Yip and lost. Now all I can see is Vern Yip humping her leg. I’m sure she’s talented, but the image of Vern Yip humping a leg is stronger in my mind than whatever talent she has to offer.
Scarlett and Janky’s Spring designs are out first. They’re both boring, but Scarlett’s is hideous/boring while Janky’s is just JC Penny boring. I feel like Scarlett’s work is excusing bad behavior in a way. No wonder Don cheated on January Jones all the time. What an uptight bitch.
Mondo vs Kenley next. Mondo made the same shorts as last week but added a polka dot top tonight, and Kenley made pajamas for hookers who take clients with baby fetishes.
Mila vs Rami: Mila’s work came out just like her sketch. Little Red Ridinghood grew up and got a real job. What a sad ending to what could have been a really exciting career in porridge robbing. Rami’s pants look a little janky, but his blouse came out way cuter than it had any right to. It’s still bunchy and wonky and the colors are terrible, though. Draping is done. Maybe start Blinding. I think Mila might actually take this one.
Hobo vs Chunk: Hobo’s most restrained offering yet. So…yay? You can see his sad grey coat all over NY in winter, so I don’t know how it’s fashion forward. Chunk’s work is librarian with a sex life. They might have started out with the same look, but Chunk improved upon the original so I say it should be ok. Did you know that McDonald’s burgers were made out of beef, originally? Someone took that idea, added a bunch of chemicals and dyes, and now it’s sold billions. Do we complain about McDonald’s? No. Mostly because we’re too exhausted and depleted of life energy after we eat it, but still. I forgot my point, but I’m starving.
Bus rider/taxi rider
The judges start with Scarlett. Rowley calls his work dorky but cool. Oh no. That’s just hideous. EyeSack thinks it’s too boring and says he would never have lunch with her. He. Janky is next. HideMe calls it wearable, but Rowley thinks it’s unoriginal and blah. Janky tries to stand up for herself, but Eyesack waves her excuses away. Janky wins!! Fashion loses.
Rowley loves Kenley’s baby fetish dress, and Eyesack agrees. Rowley is confused by Mondo’s craziness and mortified by the back. Eyesack thinks it’s too Junior department. Mondo gets all teary eyed and makes excuses. Eyesack hugs him with insults, calling his look Desperately Seeking Susan. HA. Mondo loses! He goes back to the greenroom and cries. LOLYAAAAY! His gift to his mother is ruined! Bitch, buy your mom something. You don’t give your mom some shitty challenge dedication you cheap fuck. You get her a box of wine, a carton of smokes, and bills from your therapist. Kenley comforts him by saying “Hey, Eyesack said he wouldn’t even go to lunch with Austin’s girl” and then cackling. LOL! Please don’t make me like you this late in the game. I am too set in my ways.
Hideme makes Rami open his drapes. Eyesack thinks the green is gross and the draping is sloppy. Rowley says her boobs look all uneven, which is right on. Mila’s work is boring but true to Mila. Thanks? Rowley likes it, and Rami loses! Hehe. Chunk and Hobo are kept for last. They are called out on their similar looks immediately.
Mondo and Kenley had more similar work, no? Hobo says Chunk robbed him, and Chunk mutters lies about not copying in that broken English thing he’s got working. Eyesack doesn’t like all the random buttons on Hobo’s work, but Rowley likes it head to toe. Eyesack loves Chunk’s belt, and calls his look great. Rowley says Chunk’s model looks like Hobo’s model’s mom. HAHAH. Hobo wins! BOOOOOO! HOW? Is the Art Teacher Poncho back? That’ s just not right, but since they both kinda blew I’ll refrain from losing my shit.
The judges repeat themselves in alone time. I wish we could see Mondo being mopped up instead. It sounds like Hobo is gonna win this. EW. The judges believe that Chunk stole that shit, which means he’s probs out. OHHHHHHH. HOBO WINS! LOL!! For an art teacher poncho. Wow. Perfect statement about how this season is going so far.
Chunk and Mondo are safe. Phew. Scarlett and Rami are the bottoms! Well, that’s obvious. Re-wording in order. They’re in the bottom. Wow. Hobo and Chunk both outlasted these guys? RAMI’S OUT!! I told you working out makes you less talented! I feel so sorry for him. I’m really gonna miss his personali….arms. I guess. BYEEEEEEEEEE!!!
He says stuff, but it sounds like roidy white noise to me. I’m sure it was fascinating. Next week, Broadway! And Kenley acts like more of an asshole! And Mondo sobs! Again! See you then!
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