Previously on Project Runway All Stars, another pig took Fat Bitch Heidi’s seat,…
Mondo dressed like a twelve year old Mexican girl who lives in Italy and loves bikes, …
…and Austin Scarlett O’Scare, even though he lost to Chunk, had a spiritual calm come over him as he realized he could always throw in the towel and start a gay tortilla brand called “Corn! When Did I Eat Corn?!? Tortillas”.
It’s morning. Chunk is freaking out because he won, and he knows he can’t always be in da top. Hey, don’t fret! They could have Muppets every week. It would be a PROJECT RUNWAY FIIIIRST! Everyone’s super nice to him about his win. It’s either that or beat Anthony Flamíngay up for that outfit, and they’re all going the positive route this season.
Angela HideMe Lindvall comes out on the runway talking really slowly and looking terrified. Nothing new to see here. Move on.
OMG you guys I’m freaking out. Seal totally just didn’t break up with me.
I can’t concentrate, cuz Rami is wearing a wife beater. I wish people could live without heads. He’d be the perfect man.
The challenge is to make something not terrible based on dessert. Windfall for Chunk two weeks in a row! I don’t know how the brownie sundae from Burger King is gonna look coming down the runway, but I can’t wait to see him try!
There is a God. And he’s really fat.
Oh wait. It’s not just any dessert, it’s gelato. Frowny face for Chunk! WTF? How can you make a dress that tastes good with so few calories? There’s a reason skinny dresses always look so miserable.
Jerell the Hobosexual is just excited that he’s gonna get free food and doesn’t have to keep changing his outfit a million times to come in the store again and ask for those tiny little sample spoons. April’s confused by the flavor titles and has no idea what the hell Fruits of the Forest means. Scarlett O’Scare sure as hell does. Butt sex. Central Park. The Rambles. I predict he will pick that flavor and send out a stained dress with mud on the knees.
Chunk decides to go all in on the diet theme and choose Grapefruit flavor. The color is pretty dull, but at the very least he’ll get some pats on the back in his next Weight Watchers meeting. Mondo takes cantaloupe, which is the same color as the grapefruit. LOL gelato! Does a Weinstein own this company? Was TCBY busy? Lots of questions to be answered this episode.
Mila picks Milk with Sour Cherries. Shocker. There wasn’t a flavor called “Death to Humanity and Why Am I Seeing Double?” The guest judge is Diane VonFurstenberg! Figures the inventor of the wrap would be judging the diet dessert challenge. HideMe pops VonF out of the toaster and wheels her onto the stage.
The ding went off an hour ago. Where were you dahlink?
This is going to be the fastest challenge in PROJECT RUNWAY HIIIIIISTORRRRRYYYYY!!! They have six hours. Was this season shot in a week? Mila looks at us and the PA in the back of the room in shock.
Now, I don’t wanna accuse anyone of anything, but Rami is blinking really hard, licking his lips a lot, and constantly adjusting his jaw. Does coke give you giant muscles and a terrible personality? GET ME SOME. For the muscles. I’ve already got the terrible personality part down pat.
April wonders how she’s gonna put together a badly sewn depressing black dress in six hours. I’m sure you’ll find a way. Ruhroh! There’s no black in the mini-mood that’s been set up. LOL! Even the producers are sick of her depressing ass. Kenley Petty Page is going to make the same thing she’s made in the other three challenges. This isn’t about doing new things, it’s about how much assholish personality you can cram into six hours. GO!
Janky will use a little brown, but it’s not about the chocolate, it’s about the flavor. Which is chocolate. Just stop and think about that for a sec.
Still don’t get what the fuck she’s talking about? Me neither. Janky is getting a lot of screen time, which means her ass is probably out tonight. I’m sad. I’m going to miss screen shots like these:
Chunk is the only one not worried about time. He’s throwing together a drapey old lady about to fuck nightgown. One prick of the needle and he’s done. Try and get that image out of your head.
Hobosexual compliments Chunk, but behind his back says it’s so easy a chimp could do it. RACIST. He also has a lot to say about April’s “Violet, you’re turning violet Violet!” mess. Hoboxexi, just shut up and make something that can be worn by someone who doesn’t put together their ho uniforms at the Dollar Tree. Hobo’s have a fucking opinion about everything. Granted, it’s usually “DAYUM! Throwin’ coke cans at my face ain’t cool”, but still. Fill out some job applications and stop littering the sidewalk ya miscreants!
Mila is making a HUUUGE effort today by not using any black. Um…there is no black, ya dumbass. Still, she gives a diatribe about how she wants us all to see a softer side of her. Then stop cutting your own bangs.
Janky is talking again. Oh honey. BYEEEEE! Scarlett is pissed that his needle isn’t working and Flamíngay mutters “white woman freakin’ out back dayah!” LOL. Hagatha Coffee comes in to check on progress and pimp that damn gelato again. I am too lazy to research, but whoever owns that brand has had a Weinstein dick in his or her mouth. Mark my words. Or don’t. It’s up to you really.
Hag starts with Janky and moves on without warning the poor girl that she’s got a whole lot of air time tonight so she shouldn’t be just layering crap upon crap. Hag moves on to April and asks what her tricks are. April says that she believes you should always try to come off as twenty years older so people call you youthful looking. Hag, who’s living that advice totally backwards, was talking about the purple dress. She chides April for the wonky hem and the dark purple covering up the light purple. Advice means Hag likes you, I think. She doesn’t waste much time on people she hates. Sorry Janky!
Mondo’s making a waaay orange VonToast rip off dress. Does she want to see the same thing she does over and over again but uglier? Time will tell. Flamíngay is officially obsessed with folding shit. I wonder if he has numbers and adjectives under all those folds to tell people their future. I miss first grade.
She has questions prepped for all the designers. This isn’t Miss America. Although I would love to know what kaleidoscopes look like through Mila’s crossed eyes. Does she ever get seizures? There. Something important to ask. You’re welcome.
Hag accuses Rami of sucking up to VonToastenberg by making a wrap dress, and he stutters and snorts stuff confusedly. Hag doesn’t have much interesting to say, so Flamíngay takes over and says Mila’s dress looks like a colah blocked Christmas ornament disaster. You’re hired!
Hag leaves everyone freaking out about time. Janky says it’s hard but you can’t just glue stick shit togaythuh. Cut to Scarlett gluing shit togaythuh. HAHH.
The designers take time out of their busy schedules to talk shit. Flamíngay calls Mondo out on making a caftan that Flam made in the eighth grade. I would pay to see the shock on his parent’s faces the first time they caught him jerkin’ it to an International Male catalogue. Mila hates everyone’s work. And children. And rainbows.
Hobosexual is busy gluing bottle caps and peanut shells to a dog collar. You can take the Hobo out of the dumpster, but you can’t make him drink. Or whatever.
GLAD accessories wall. Yawn. Someone needs to have a nervous breakdown soon. Come oooon! Why do they even make those tiny little tupperwares? No one ever uses them. Hair and makeup time. THANK GOD. SMOKE BREAK!!!
Janky has a furrowed brow because she doesn’t believe in botox. Also, her proportions are “a bit off.” A bit? Hobo calls her look “pregnant cupcake.” HAHA. Alright. I have a couple quarters.
HideMe is shocked and awed to be here tonight.
She says FIRST TIME IN PROJECT RUNWAY HIIIISTORRRRYYY!!! five times and then intros the judges. VonToast looks like Kors after getting hit with one of those head shrinking curses.
Some supermodel is here. She looks like Georgina.
I worry for her safety. Don’t suffocate, Georgie #2!
Mondo is first, and for a second I think FatBitch is back.
His cantaloupe robe is the same as it was six hours ago. Diane would totes wear this. So would a table.
Remember back in the day when just the sight of an ankle would give men boners? EyeSack does.
Flamíngay’s Green Tea dress looks like a Kleenex used and folded and used again. Fucking tree huggers. The world’s not gonna end if you get a fresh kleenex.
VonToast looks super excited by it.
He knows from his last time on the show that Toast winks at people she likes. She doesn’t wink at him. Sadness. Well, she can’t bitch about your color, cuz she’s wearing it. PettyPage is up next with another Lose-y and Ethel dress.
Rami. Wow. I’m almost proud of him for making something so hideous. There are four kinds of green here, and every one of them is fug.
Mila’s flavor of ice cream was Cancer Cell. Well done!
Hobosexi made a hippie dominatrix dress. Hideous. He’ll be safe again. It bugs me, but also makes me happy to know he’ll have a bed for another night and I won’t trip over his ass on my way to get coffee in the morning.
Janky’s cupcake pregnancy is next. It makes VonToast pick her nose. That can’t be a good sign.
Chunk’s old lady about to fuck robe is next. It’s as frightening as it should be. It’s also in the color that Gordana Sexykneehausen used last week, which worries me.
April’s blueberry dress is one of her cuter creations, which isn’t saying much. I could do without the violent about to stab someone boobs, but that’s April for ya.
Violet you’re turning violent Violet.
The ass is about four inches higher than the front. HAHAHAH. Scarlett O’Scare created a trailer trash bridesmaid for Madagascar. It’s not very African looking, but then I remember malaria. This dress could cover beds and save hundreds of lives.
Scarlett, Rami, Hobo, and PettyPage are safe! Rami is safe? HOW? That dress was so many different flavors of wrong the judges probably just got confused. The judges start with Janky. They call it passionless and pregnant but like her acting.
Flames! On the side of my face!
EyeSack likes Flamíngay’s dress only when he hears that it’s supposed to look like it’s melting. HAHAH. The judges love Mila’s cancer cell dress. VonToast thinks it’s sloppy. Chunk’s dress is perty and VonToast says to call her. The color isn’t very popular, though. April’s dress is too messy and the ass is a fright, but it’s not a total disaster. Oh wait VonToast called it “a Haloween zpider thing.” Never mind! Mondo is universally loved. The judges even restrain themselves from laughing at his short shorts.
In alone time, the judges repeat themselves a bunch. There’s not a clear winner here. The judges are bored. VonToast picks her nose more. Derrr doesn’t wanna wear Chunk’s cuz she’s breastfeeding. Now I’m pissed. Fucking skinny ass people with natural born babies? Not. Right. And it should be considered child abuse. No baby should be raised on breast milk that’s main ingredient is crystal light and dexatrim.
Chunk wins again!! You give the guy a pig or ice cream and he’s golden. Janky and April are in the bottom. And….Janky’s OUT! WAIT! No she’s not she’s safe! Those damn editors tricked me again. So glad she stayed. She’s the most theatrical.
You lied to me. You lied to me! You held the Koran and you swore to me that nothing was going happen. You were planning this all the time. You lied to me! – Not Without My Daughter
She runs to the back and acts like she was just handed the grand prize. Mila goes “Oh my gawd.” HAHAHAH. Poor April cries and stuff. It’s sad. She’s 22?!?! Lighten up, hon! Go fuck a stranger and drink stuff! And for chrissakes dye your hair.
Was that right? Did you agree with the decision? I don’t know. What I do know is that next week Scarlett shows up in a hat made for the leather daddy service at black church.
To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!
To follow my personal tweets, click here.