Project Runway: Start Spreadin’ the Fug

Previously, Heidi got new drab depressed mom clothes for her drab depressed mom line on the internet and Tim bitch slapped Zombie Hivy. I didn’t remember that Christopher got the boot until I saw the clip of it happening again. Poor boring Christopher. That he got kicked off the most boring challenge in Project Runway history is sad. I thought he had that one in the bag. On the bright side, now he can go home and make out with his giant hairy mom some more.

We open where we left off last week. Christopher just left and everyone sits around and tries to figure out what’s different. Tim tells them to get their butts back to the runway to meet Fat Bitch Heidi for instructions! YAY! NO SLEEP! Wretch and Mondo have already been throwing their clothes on the floor so I can’t wait to see what a little pressure will bring. Hopefully Wretch will hit someone and get disqualified. HEY! They’re not gonna have to work! Fat Bitch Heidi is sending them on a relaxing night out! This isn’t supposed to happen. This is supposed to be pure pain. Booooo!

Their reward is a night at the Mondarin Hotel’s Presidential Suite! That’s actually a pretty stressful reward. You’re trying to sit there and enjoy a nice glass of bubbly and get your mind off oil spills and tea parties when Michelle comes in and starts blahing your head off about the future of organic vegetables and the obesity epidemic.

Can we just get a regular room?

The designers clink glasses and congratulate themselves on making it to the top five. Well done! Taking down superstars like Hivy, Peach, and that psycho guy from the first episode. Chunky Michael asks “how the hell did I make it here?” When you get an answer to that one, share plz. I sat here for ten minutes and couldn’t come up with a good one. Your hats?

Trandy is singlehandedly destroying the ozone layer. Cheers to sun spots!

Wretch says that Fashion Week “is the essence of why I’m a designer”. Huh? Could you speak in English please, Frasier? I’ve had enough of your essence. It smells like patchouli oil and chapstick. She tries to talk all fancy but she seems to have a little trouble swallowing the champagne.

Someone get Swiss Piss some Mountain Dew before she chokes.

“I’m gonna have a cappuccino in the morning and it’s gonna be real!” I’m sure the cappuccino will feel the same way, Wretch. She gets all For Colored Girls and does a heart wrenching monologue about how she’s supposed to be here with them right now. It’s fate! She had premonitions that one day she would be a German nanny in a client’s fancy hotel suite. Of course she didn’t know it at the time, but she only looked like a German nanny and was really a delusional hippie on a reality show! Visions aren’t always crystal clear.

Trandy feels like the whole Project Runway experience is a crash course in standing behind who you are. In other words, I’m keeping the vagina and getting implants. Thanks, Lifetime! Chunk feels the experience is learning to hear that your work sucks and trying to figure out how to not suck any more. Aw. I know this sounds simplistic, but my advice is to just NOT SUCK.

April is proud of herself for getting there. She never realized that making a funeral dress in multiple themes would change her life! People do, in fact, die, so it’s not a bad business plan. You’ll never run out of customers who’s kids want them to look hip in their caskets. Mondo, guided by some outside force, has become a super gaydorable Yoda that spews weird positivity in riddles I am to ignant to understand.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try.

Happy “aw they bonded” music plays as Mondo beams. So cute!

Turns out that the surprise challenge turned out to be listening to Wretch’s dinner theater drama. It was hard, but they all made it through. Tim meets them in the morning to introduce Mayor Michael Bloomberg! Sure, he looks a little like a man version of Rhea Perlman, but he’s richer than Oprah.

Bonertown!

Chunk wants to run up to Bloomy and show him his tit. You can take the Brooklyn out of the girl…

You can take the Palm Springs out of the girl…

Wretch is honored that the mayor is there. She thinks it shows us how important New York thinks Project Runway is. Yeah. They sent the MAYOR. It’s usually super hard to get a politician to whore themselves out for some face time on TV. The final challenge is to use NY as inspiration! Will this be the year someone finally tells it like it is by sending a model down the runway reeking of hot pee on the sidewalk? Stay tuned!

They get five hundred bucks and Tim wants WOW. Bloomy pokes and winks and he’s out. The designers get two hours to bum around the city and get inspired. Chunk goes straight to the Statue of Liberty. Way to go for the easiest landmark, dude. In his defense, there are lots of hot dog carts at the ferry station. I’d consider it, too. Plus, the old gal is in a robe dress. Very little sewing involved. The only other inspiration he could come up with was The Olive Garden, and that takes permits.

April stumbles around the Brooklyn Bridge thinking about all the people who have jumped off it. What kind of clothes would people wear to their funerals? Mondo strolls a construction site with his 1920′s detective hat and a rainbow umbrella. I don’t have to add that it’s not raining, right?

If you feel inspired by having rocks thrown at you by construction workers, then you’re on the right track.

 

He goes to the Brooklyn Bridge too, and is inspired by the trippy patterns the crossing bars and wires make. Instead of being inspired, they’re all pretty much figuring out an alibi for doing something in the style they do best. Which isn’t a bad move, obviously. I predict Wretch will be inspired by Strawberry Fields in Central Park so she can make some Mrs. Roeper jumpsuit from the 70′s in maroon and beige.

Trandy does the park, and is inspired by the “organic lines” and the old dudes givin out freebies in the bushes.

Dear Diary, I fell in love today.

 

Wretch, mopes around the Lower East Side in don’t come fuck me boots feeling underwhelmed. Oh wah. Think about how the Lower East Side feels.

Don’t Come Fuck Me Boots

She’s not happy about the final challenge being a city slicker challenge when she makes clothes for crunchy granola ladies with braids and fresh faces. They have those in NY. They’re called lesbians. Find some of those and design away your troubles.

At mood, Wretch decides to be inspired by bricks. Speaking of bricks, Chunk isn’t really sure what direction to go in with his Statue of Liberty dress. Tim, kinda flabbergasted, tells him not to go too literal with the most obvious inspiration ever. He moves on to April and gently warns her that she’s been pretty one note so far and should try to pull a surprise out of her ass for this one. She nods emphatically and assures him that she’s got a big surprise planned! I think he means to say “NOT BLACK” but instead he uses words too big for April to understand. I don’t know if you know this yet, but she’s really YOUNG. It’s amazing to see how far such a YOUNG person has come. When did being 21 become a handicap? I’ll trade my chunky bald bitter affliction for the 21 disease any day. Then you guys can say “how did he write this recap when he’s so YOUNG?!?”

Mondo is going for bright colors and wacky patterns cuz if it ain’t broke and all that. Tim chuckles as the little guy scurries past him carrying bolts of hot pink and says “hopefully you’re gonna go full Mondo!” Which is like full Monty. But grosser. Good news: Swatch is back at work. Bad news: he’s still limping around sadly in bandages after the final Hivy attack.

Please leave my store. Thank you.

Back at the workroom, Tim underscores the at least part of at least one of you will be going home tonight. NO! I want to see at least four of these weirdos in their home environment. You owe it to us, PR! Chunk has been in the bottom for the past three challenges and know he’s gonna have to do something drastic to make it to the finals. Only to Chunk would “making a pretty dress” on a reality show about fashion be considered “drastic”. He better pray that the other designers turn on him with some seriously vicious attacks tonight so Fat Bitch Angel Heidi can save his ass again.

Wretch? Is using cougar print. LOL. REALLY?? How did Tim let her out of mood with that? He must really hate her.

April says she is trying her best to go out with a bang. I don’t know if she knows what that means, but she probably shouldn’t set out with the goal of getting kicked off. Bad grammar can sometimes lead to incorrect goal setting and before you know it you’ve turned the energy of the Universe against yourself.

Chunk mutters positive affirmations to his dress and tells us he’s pushing really hard. He shows his work to Wretch and she says it’s like curtains she owns. Wretch would have black curtains. She tells us that Chunk reminds her of herself five years ago. She could only sew dresses, she could only replicate other stuff because she needed to learn, and she had more facial hair. So Chunk is a no talent copy cat. Just say that.

Mondo, exhausted, goes to take a nap. A long nap. Like, a Chris March nap. But quieter. And tinier. And he most likely won’t wake up inspired to glue human hair to his dress.

No, Lynda Carter. I won’t be your best friend. I’m being guided to teach the world stuff through my work.

He sleeps his butt off and wakes up with only 3 and 1/2 hours left of the day. It’s all the pressure! It seems a little arrogant to blow off a work day, but he’s probably right in predicting that he’s not going home before Chunk, who is changing course midstream and doubting every choice he makes. Mondo looks at his work and just shakes his head. LOL. Wretch laughs that she kinda likes being there but wishes she could just leave. Laughter. They’ve been showing her saying she wishes she could leave all week with scary dramatic music under it. Tricky editors! You almost made Wretch interesting for a sec!

Chunk puts a sheet over his head and walks around in burka chic. Then he does impersonations of the judges and he’s got them down! His Kors, especially, is spot on. HAHAHAHAH. He should get to the finals for this segment alone.

Trandy makes the mistake of letting Wretch see his work. She comes over to give her Wretch Cunn T opinion: it belongs on a woman you pay to get a girl to spank you. AW! Trandy looks hurt by this, but I hope he doesn’t change it. It’s a fancy updated take on Hawaiisian Chili’s hostess and he should tell Wretch to suck his inverted peen. Biatch.

Wretch says Trandy likes slutty and he hit the nail on the head this time. She’s a c word, but she’s not really wrong. He decides to change it, which is probably wise. At home, Wretch pats herself on the back for her words of warning to Trandy. She’s a real Whorence Nightinpale. Over in the other apt, Mondo worries that he has so much to do in the morning and we get a shot of the headboard. Pretty much sums up the times we live in.

The next am in the workroom, Trandy decides to ignore Wretch and keep his dress the way it is. Good for him! It would be better to lose than to let Wretch take credit for any success you might have. Chunk is muttering to himself at the sewing machine about his feewings. Well, he’s muttering to Mondo, but Mondo’s ignoring him. Grow a pair, Chunk! He only has pieces and hasn’t even started sewing his actual dress. Mondo has some yellow sequined fabric but ruins it when he tries to cut it. Black and White it is! Tim comes into the workroom and says that he’s missed everyone. Everyone ignores him. Jeeze you guys, at least fake it. You’re on TV.

He starts with Mondo, and he approves of getting rid of the yellow sequins. April is predictably making another funeral dress. Tim verbally yawns and then moves onto Chunk and suggests that he get a little more creative. Chunk pitches his second dress idea, but Tim doesn’t like either and says what he does have looks like a tortured mess. Chunk kinda freaks, and Tim gives him some super well thought out advice. Make it work. Sucka.

Chunk was inspired by the wrapper on the cupcake he swallowed on the ferry. It totally counts.

Mondo thinks that Trandy’s dress is very well done but it’s pretty typical Trandy. Tim agrees in a way, saying the dress is veering toward Real Housewives of New Jersey. Well, those bitches shop so there’s a career there. Trandy takes this as a semi compliment, but the kid’s wearing a pleather women’s cougar baseball cap so there you go. Wretch tells Tim about being inspired by bricks and…LOL! SHE IS USING MAROON! So. Predictable. This time, though, instead of just beige with it, she’s using beige and the beige from the cougar print. Mondo says she’s one of the most exhausted of the remaining designers and so is her work. HAHAH. Tim gives Wretch his “I don’t pay good money for breakfast at this establishment to end up with a fleck of egg shell in my mouth, sir!” face.

Tim’s “I don’t pay good money for breakfast at this establishment to end up with a fleck of egg shell in my mouth, sir!” face.

He’s not rude about it, but he seems a little underwhelmed. As he goes to leave, she stops him and tells him what an honor it was to work with him and she loves him and blah. He makes an “oh shit now I have to hug this bitch” face.

Tim’s “oh shit now I have to hug this bitch” face.

Maybe I can just get away with a wenis shake.

She’s really not gonna let this go.

Tim’s “holding my breath until the hippie is out of my personal space” face.

Woah no too far. Retreat up off ma grill, pedestrian.

Tim sends the models in for fittings, and Trandy’s model first question is “are we going dominatrix?” HAHA

Oh, Popsicle Stick. Thank you for being honest.

Time for the White Rain Product Infomercial. Tonight it’s being hosted by Danny Bonaduce’s doppelgaynger.

You can get this at The Dollar Store and it totes says high fashion. Just don’t get condoms there. Or light bulbs. Or toilet paper. Unless you want a hand full of breakfast.

Chunk says that his model looks stunning enough in his dress to take on a cheap date and bone. EW. Chunk is straight? Well that explains…nothing actually. I’m confused. Glad, but confusedly glad. It’s like finding out the kid who eats his boogars didn’t get put on your dodgeball team. Mondo is unfinished and can’t try anything on his popsicle stick. Wretch says that her dress isn’t very her, but that could be good. Agreed. The further you can get us from your personality the better. She gets right back to her personality fast when she tells Trandy that she can’t tell if Chunk is an idiot savant or just an idiot. LOL. She said she was gonna make her dress more tolerable this week, not her essence.

The next morning, everyone is scared. Luckily Mondo gives them all something else to concentrate on by getting dressed. I think this is a statement on the intolerance of small gays in the sport of Chess, but I’m not sure.

April blahs about how impressed she is with herself by being so young. Wretch “uh-huhs” and puts on lipstick instead of strangling April and telling her that youth isn’t a fucking accomplishment. Hair and makeup! YAY BREAK! FF. When we come back, Chunk is deciding to ditch the basket weave shrug he spent all that time on and go instead with a black beach muumuu. He’s making it way too easier on everyone else. That just sucks. The only way for him to not get sent home tonight is for one of the other designers to call Kors out on being a hundred year old piece of shoe leather with chia hair or something. Lame.

Trandy tells us how much he’s grown. I don’t know. You’re sending out pretty much the same thing as always. The only thing growing here is your hair.

Wretch cries about how desperate she was before she came here and has to win this or it’s back to the commune with her. She won’t be kicked off tonight, but it will be so fun to watch her cry when Mondo kicks her bony butt. I hope he shows up to the final segment in two weeks with a bus ticket and backpack full of granola bars for her.

Fat Bitch Heidi comes out on the runway wearing lots of different shades of beige. It’s like a giant fuck you to that bitch Hivy, so yay.

This is how you do beige, zombie.

She gets a spray can full of acid and sprinkles it over the English language for awhile and then introduces the judges. Hi Kors!

Hi Nina!

Hi Christian Sirriano!

Chunk’s pool muumuu is out first. It hurts Nina’s eyes.

Don’t blind Nina.

 

Wretch went all out with her rotting flesh wound colors and added a flowy biker jacket for wussies. Isn’t this supposed to be a high fashion challenge? Cuz it’s a skirt and a blouse and a super cheap jacket. She should be closing her eyes and thanking the Lord for Chunk right now.

We were given hints that Trandy’s work was gonna be the same ole Trandy futuristic dreck, and it is.

Even Mondo’s is pretty typical and blah for him. When he does his kooky couture stuff well it’s great, but when he misses it just looks like he grabbed some stank stuff from Good Will and repurposed it.

Does this dress make my birth canal look big?

 

April designed Trandy’s funeral dress for Stevie Nicks’ future funeral.

Wow. This season has been really fun to watch, right up until the part they show us the clothes. This was one hundred percent suck. The judges start with Mondo, who decides to sell his dress with some Fosse choreography.

Nina looks as bored as we all feel. But with a way more relaxed wattle.

Suck it in, champ.

 

Kors says that Mondo does too much patent leather but likes that it’s joyful and Mondo didn’t use color as a crutch. Nina calls the dress phenomenal. Heidi is bored with overuse of houndstooth, but Fierce thinks it’s total class. Kors says Trandy’s dress isn’t very central park but has a lot of Blade Runner. He still likes it though. Nina likes that the dress looks wet, and Heidi loves the back and the lines. Wretch sounds depressed while she explains her work, and those pants aren’t helping her case at all. She’s standing like she’s prepared to have spit balls spit at her, and with this crowd they just might.

Nina gives her her “ugh you’re in front of 7-11 yet another day. Get a fucking job, ya drunk!” face.

Nina’s “ugh you’re in front of 7-11 yet another day. Get a fucking job, ya drunk!” face.

 

Wretch really has no excuse, so she just says “essence” a lot. Kors sadly says he’s confused and the model looks like a midtown rock n roll secretary. He adds that Wretch has lost her steam before passing the wrecking ball to Nina. She asks point blank “what happened?” Wretch starts crying, saying she’s exhausted. She almost has them on her side, but then she adds that she hates the challenges and it’s gotten the best of her. LOL. Wretch just can’t help herself. I hope she makes it through so we can see the barn her mother raised her in next week.

Heidi immediately jumps on that and asks for clarification. Wretch says it’s hard putting yourself in a cookie cutter, but Fat Bitch calls BS. Cookies are really good and that doesn’t even apply this week because the challenge was basically to come up with a decent enough excuse to do whatever they wanted. Wretch doesn’t respond to that, but her fake tears stop fake flowing immediately. Christian tries to lead her into saying that she was just trying to make something wearable. She takes the road he paved and Heidi tells her she sucks again.

Kors calls April’s sameness numbing. You go girl. He tells her off for consistently making joyless clothes. “She’s a pregnant witch. What else can I say?” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Speaking of pregnant witches, Heidi asks why April refused to use color. Heidi says than any other color would have helped. April cries. And in her defense, this is the first time she’s being told she’s done the same exact thing every week (that I can remember). Heidi falls for the tears and compliments some of the seaming. Sucker! Nina says April has no range and Christian is nice. WTF is up with him? Please up the stereotype quotient in your critiqueing, k?

Chunk is last, and Kors calls the dress a showstopper!! WHAT?!?!?!?!? Chunk can’t even tell them what material he used. Ugh. The judges all fawn over the dress. Is it because they don’t have pools in New York and don’t see that on every tired mom trying to look thinner all summer? IT’S A POOL MUUMUU. Now the final “why do you deserve to go to Fashion Week?” Chunk has worked hard and would take Trandy and Mondo with him. Wretch says that she would give them a show that would make them think twice about her. They’ve already done that. They thought you were talented and they don’t now. Job done! GO HOME. She would take Mondo and either April or Trandy. Probably April because she’s overcome the impossible feat of being young.

Trandy deserves it because he’s unique and he would take Mondo and either Wretch or April but leans April. Poor Chunk just can’t catch a break. Not that he deserves one. Mondo gives a glib answer and would take Chunk! AW! He says he has been impressed with his ability to remain calm and malleable even under super bitchy circumstances. Then he would take either Trandy or April. Wretch is totally dissed today!

That’s what I get for trying to be nice to people.

Well, she’ll have April, right? April promises she wouldn’t use all black and she would take Mondo and, of course, Wretch. This doesn’t look like it helped much.

In the holding tank, silence abounds. Wretch says that she’ll make it without this stupid competition if she has to. Chunk says that no one should get their feelings hurt, but Mondo cries about having to choose two people and kill someone’s dream. LOL you’re not a judge. Man up, Martha. You’ve only got ten minutes to go. Keep this up and your family might realize you’re gay.

In private times, the judges gush over Mondo. He’s definitely safe. Christian is the only one not to agree. He says that he’s only seen one look, but it was a bit much. And coming from him that’s saying something. He made that black peacock coffin dress. Heidi doesn’t wanna hear it, but he’s got a point.

Kors is worried that all Trandy can do is dominatrix warrior woman. They all agree that he played it too safe. Nina believes in his fabric manipulation. Kors says hands down Chunk won this one. Lord. Nina says it’s phenomenal. Christian can’t believe that the guy didn’t even know what his fabric was and suspects that getting a decent result was a fluke. Christian speaks the truth. Get him on this panel for reals. The judges fight everything he says but he’s pretty on point.

Kors is pissed about April’s hackery and Christian says that her customer doesn’t exist. LOL. They all come to the same conclusion. Bored. Fat Bitch calls Wretchen’s work unwearable, but Kors says it’s too wearable and Christian says it looks like it came off a street vendor’s rack. HAHAH. Christian points out that Wretch is at least different, and the judges agree that she’s got taste. How has no one said “maroon and beige” yet? Are they watching the same show? The designers wait until they are brought out on the runway to group hug, cuz if a tree falls in the forrest but there’s no one there to hear it, what’s the point of going through the struggle to chop it’s stupid ass down?

Only three are going to the finals! Will they kick two off tonight? Heidi says Chunk has had many highs and lows, but today was a high and he wins!!! Wretch should be happy. Heidi just complimented her curtains on national TV. She’s not though. She sighs really big. HAHAHA.

Then Chunk fake cries.

Fake YAY.

Mondo’s in! Go Trandy! Chunk and Mondo hug and Chunk sobs. AW. Real YAY! And….Trandy’s in!! They won’t let Wretch go, will they? No. I don’t believe it. Oh wait. Heidi says one of them will be out. So they’re gonna do that evil “design a collection, come to NY, and then lose right before the show” thing. Evil. And fun. April’s a samey same hack face and Wretch’s work was cheap, uncool, and badly styled. Wretchen….is in. DuhBOOOOOOOOOO!! She’s sucked for weeks! April has too, though. Still, Wretch should have been kicked out for those pants alone. Not fair.

The others congratulate Wretch and hug her, but she can’t get through a nice moment without wrecking it thoroughly, so she sighs and says she’s glad the judges were fair enough to give her the second chance that they all got. L. O. LLLLLLLLL. She’s fucking terrible! And they say she’s inconsistent. On the runway, April cries. She tells us that she’s shocked that they would let someone who’s worked so hard at being young slip away. Tim comes in to mop her toddler ass off the floor and says he’s proud of her and blah. God bless her for being so young and still trying. Let’s start a PayPal account and donate to April’s illness. Youthisruiningmylife.org.

Well, with all the personality pretty much gone at this point, this episode was pretty lifeless. I am shocked that there was nothing fun or groundbreaking to come out of the final five, but hopefully watching Wretch in her home environment next week will make up for it. I can’t wait to see Mondo’s place too. I predict he is a shrunken head collector. You heard it hear first.

Thanks for being here! I will be on vacay next week for the first part of the finale, so I will either get it covered by a guest recapper or have it up Mondayish. LOVE

PS. Wanna recap? We’re having an Auditiongasm. Write up your best recap of anything you want and send it to me in an email with the subject line AUDITIONGASM by the end of Sunday. I’m at Flipit75@gmail.com