Project Runway: Stilted

Previously on Project Runway, the designers made dogs look more tasteful and fashion conscious than anorexic bags of bones.

You totally would have won that challenge!

Matlock (Bert) started to blossom into an Ovaltine smelling diva bitch, Chunky Sirriano got even pastier, and the Mormon Gay was kicked off, even after having one of the most brilliant strategies of all time: to just get by. It’s a sad day when all you strive for is mediocrity and you can’t even achieve that. Forget about sewing for now, Morm, and concentrate on blowing. You’re not going to be able to properly express yourself until you stop trying to hide your neck goiters with cheap fabrics homosexuality from yourself. That’s called friendly advice. HUG!

Yes, gays can be judgmental and horrible, but they can’t be worse than Joseph Smith. Come on out, buddy!

We open with Jersey Chore greasing up his Ricky Ricardo hair while Chunky Sirriano buttons up his short sleeves to show off his pasty underarms. And to think all this time I’ve been hiding mine. Finally, fashion is swinging my way! I will take the world by storm with my pasty underarms! WATCH OUT WORLD! Thanks for the inspiration, buddy!

You gotta love that slutty Jersey Chore has a hook for a leash on the side of his shirt. If he keeps running around unleashed, he’s gonna get thrown in the pound with all the other unclaimed tacky gays. He’s pissed that Failene is still in the competition when she should be off somewhere hairdressing. I don’t know that I disagree with that, but I don’t get the whole sticking up for Mormon like that ouster was unfair. I do, however, get falling in love with straight Mormon guys. The Barney Rubble look can be hot when you’re really hungry.

Meanwhile, Failene is telling Ole Blue Hair that she feels like she’s the most normal one here. Gay Guys: Making odd homely chicks feel normal since 1919. She says that her style of design is just way too artistic for Project Runway. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Yes, that’s the problem. You’re too good! It’s what that ejected member of Destiny’s Child has been telling herself for years, and now look where she’s at!

Fat Bitch Heidi comes out on the runway and today she’s not only big, she’s big and tall. I smell a Camryn Manheim challenge!

The models are brought out, and they’re all on stilts. The challenge is to not only create unimaginative glue gunned dresses, but to create unimaginative glue gunned super tall dresses. Way to push the envelope, PR! The challenge should be to come up with a decent challenge.

The good news is that the designers will have to work in teams. YAAAY! I know it’s only episode three, but I’m ready for some temper tantrums and crying. Matlock is teamed up with Some Guy I’ve Never Seen Before, who looks thrilled that he walked in off the street for this one.

Fat Bitch calls him out on looking disgusted, and Some Guy says that he doesn’t like giant waddles and Southern hospitality. Matlock is not amused.

Nutless Anthony is teamed up with Bimbo, and Jersey Chore is teamed with Don Knotts.

You better not be messing around with Chrissy or Janet or you’re evicted, young man!

Jersey Chore is cross-eyed at the news. He’s scared of working with Julie Don Knotts, but also, he’s cross-eyed. Quaker Danielle will be working with Cecilia, Nina’s Sister in Split Ends, and Miss Trinidad is teamed up with Dollivier the Doll of Many Fake Accents. Himberly gets stuck with Ole Blue Hair, and she says she’s not inspired by her designs. I don’t think I can remember a thing that Himberly has made, but hopefully Ole Blue Hair can get inspired by a grown up Urkel dressed like a chick or this pair’s screwed.

That leaves Failene with Doughy Sirriano, and they both know that two sucks don’t make a right so they’re skerd. The runway show will take place outside in front of an audience and press. Weinstein and Co wanted the chance to get the “Project Runway’s challenges will be lamer than ever” meme out there early. Miss Sex Tape Trinidad says that she’s scared and excited about “the bigness.” Quick, someone grab a camera and get this online. She’s about to blow!

The designers gather in the workroom to get their newly forged terrible relationships going. Some Guy I’ve Never Seen Before and Matlock decide that they’re going to design for Mae West. LOL! See, you little non descript gay? Your point of reference is old enough that you should get along swimmingly with Matlock. Oh wait. Matlock just admonished him for suggesting they make something other than a skirt. Mae didn’t wear pants! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT! Now now, you two. Make some Mommy Dearest jokes and play some Liza and get on the same hacky tired gay boat. You’ll be fine.

Tim comes in to tell them to think “Paris Couture” for this challenge, so Sex Tape thinks she’s bound to win.

Hoture. No sewing required.

They only have one day, but they get five hundred bucks and they finally get to shop at Mood. Ole Blue Hair is scared of Himberly, for the obvious reasons we’re all scared of her. Plus, Himberly has never even bothered talking to Ole Blue Hair. Don’t feel bad, she’s talked about you! That counts for something, right? Doughy Sirriano and Failene are going to drape their model to look like the Black Swan. Finally, a model that gets to the end of the runway and cuts herself. This episode has some hope after all.

Nondescript Gay (whose name is Victor, dammit. WHY CAN’T YOU STICK TO MY BRAIN?) pitches a creepy Queen look to the model while Matlock stands on the sidelines and bitches that Vic wants to make a dress for a mourning Queen and doesn’t know the difference between Victorian and Elizabethan. Vic says Matlock needs to stop being an asshole. Matlock says Vic needs to read some books. I say Vic needs a name tag and Matlock needs a drink. They both need to stay the hell away from fabric. This isn’a design my mom’s guest bathroom challenge.

Nutless is working well with Bimbo. At least I think that’s what this means:

Miss Trinidad and Dollivier are having an all out funny talkin’ love fest, and Don Knotts is trying to work well with Jersey Chore, but all he does is roll his eyes and talk down to her like she’s a landlord who doesn’t even know one of her tenants is lying about being gay so he can live with two semi hot girls. He just might be grouchy cuz of the scabies.

Nina’s Sister in Split ends tells us in her drunk Count Chocula voice what chiffon is. Eeds da lighdess fabreek joo cane gayt. Ees lige (long bad breath exhale)…of seelk. So that’s a good thing? Cuz there’re gingivitis particles all over the lens. Please brush your teeth.

L Word Failene is stuck with Doughy Christian, and I feel bad for her. There’s no hope for that guy. When his outfit that first week was an ode to Alexis Couture, I knew he was trouble. She stands her ground though, and refuses to do an all black stilt walker outfit. She does agree to do polka dots, which is just as scary. At least with all black, you would have had one judge empathize with the awkward funny looking freakshow in all black. They could have made her a neckpiece out of burnt chicken skin and had Kors give them an auto pass to the finale.

I’m happy to report that they’ve found a replacement Stitch at Mood. Zombie Hivy from last season ate all the other versions, and this one, having heard the tales, looks scared out of his mind. He’s smart enough to know that Zombie Hivy may not be on the show any more, but she’s not dead and never will be.

Wacky Seinfeld music plays as the designers go back to the workroom. Some Guy I’ve Never Seen Before and Matlock celebrate the theme by talking endlessly about nothing. They’re making an old timey dress. I don’t want to say Victorian or Elizabethan in case Matlock is reading this somewhere and calling me an idiot. Let’s just say that it looks like it could be worn by one of the ladies in the Cheers opening. Quaker and Split Ends are getting a little testy with each other, and I think they might instantly get along if they took ten minutes out of their busy day to giggle and not comb each other’s hair.

You’re dry ass hair looks like shit.

Joo too!

BFFL!

Matlock is getting testy with some guy I’ve never seen before. They’re arguing because the fabric is ugly. Matlock chose it, but now he’s saying they’re going in the wrong direction. Some Guy stands around palely and makes comments about how none of this was his idea. In other words, do what you want and I’ll tattle tale when we see Nina. Matlock knows that old trick and calls him on it. Some Guy complains that he’s not being listened to and that he’s being treated like a pale undernourished child with bags under his eyes. Matlock doesn’t agree, and Some Guy snaps “save eet for da judge!” and leaves. Matlock rolls his eyes, clucks his waddle, and gets back to his Victorelizabethmaewestian dress for a bag of bones on stilts, vowing to never try and get Some Guy off a murder conviction if he gets the chance.

Jersey Chore, smelling blood in the water, gleefully runs to the sewing room to get the dirt from some guy I’ve never seen before and fix his eyeshadow. After complaining and listening to Jersey twitter on and giggle and gossip like the dimwit little queen he is, Some Guy goes out to try to calmly talk to Matlock. It doesn’t work. Cuz Matlock is a total diva bitch. Some Guy tells us that it seems like Matlock is trying to make him fail on purpose. Well, it’s working. Matlock may be a bitch, but he’s one of the brightest minds Georgia Law has ever seen.

Nutless and Bimbo decide to make a Gone With the Wind plantation owner dress and keep their fingers crossed that the guest judge isn’t black. They have to make a huge hoop to pull it off, and Nutless is worried that if they don’t do it right the dress won’t be safe and their model might lose her nuts.

Don Knotts is on Jersey Chore’s nerves because she keeps poking and punching him. He gets on her about it, but I think she’s doing it because he won’t look at her, he won’t do any work, and all he does is stare off into space cross-eyed, giggling at Matlock across the room. He says they could swap genders and no one would notice. That’s the first thing he’s said that I agree with one hundred percent. Plus, if they switched bodies, he’d have perfect handlebars and all the boys in the neighborhood would want to grab on and take a ride.

I think if any team is destined to get married, it’s Himberly and Ole Blue Hair.

Himberly says Ole Blue Hair just stares off into space for minutes at a time and she has no idea wtf she’s thinking. My guess is “chocolate croissant. Chocolate croissant. Chocolate croissant.” Maybe I’m projecting. And holy shit!! It just hit me who Old Blue Hair looks like!!

Martha Plumpton

Doughy Sirriano is getting bitchy with L Word Failene, bossing her around and not letting her glue gun barfing clowns to stuff. Speaking of clowns, here’s the Project Runway clown music! This time it’s playing for Julie Don Knotts as she tells us how wonderful it is working with Jersey Chore. LOL! I wish I was sitting next to her on the couch while she watched this episode and saw Jersey talking so much shit about her. Sad horns. Cut to Jersey Chore bitching to everyone that he’s doing everything by himself. Now, we know that’s a lie, cuz we’ve seen her working as he’s flitted all over the room putting his word in wherever he can. He says it’s ok that he’s doing everything though, cuz at least it’s quiet. But it’s not. CUZ YOU’RE ALWAYS FUCKING TALKING. I’m firmly on Don Knotts’ side. Down with Jersey Chore!

L Word is cutting fabric, and Doughy Sirriano is pissed at her cuz she’s not cutting it on grain. He says he knows how to do it cuz he just got out of school. He asks “Have you gone to school?” No. “So you haven’t gone to school?” No. “Did you not go to school?” No. “Was there a building you walked into ever with a sign that said ‘School’?” NO! He runs back to the break room and whispers to everyone that Failene hasn’t been to school. Like EVER. For ANYTHING. She doesn’t even know what “grain on grain means!” Miss Trinidad nods, probably thinking he’s talking about food combining.

Bimbo tells him that he’s in trouble if he’s too bossy, cuz the judges could blame the bad work on him. Then again, all he’s done so far is bad work so that wouldn’t be too off the mark of the judges. Tim comes in to check on progress and starts with Don Knotts and Jersey Chore. Jersey tells Tim that he thinks he and Don Knotts’ styles will eventually collide. LOL. Tim loves nothing more than bad English, so he chuckles and good heartedly asks if he means “collide or converge?” Jersey Chore gets cross-eyed over that one and vows to look up what converged means later. L-Word is laughing in that “I know what that means and I’ve never even been to school” way.

Education’s for suckas!

Jersey Chore shows off their pants to Tim. They look like an old lady blanket to me, but Nutless says he loves them and they remind him of Beetlejuice. Hehe. Tim loves them, which means they are probably gonna be on the bottom.

Quaker and Split ends are boringly fine, so Tim just stares at their hair awkwardly for a moment and moves on to Matlock and some guy I’ve never seen before. They immediately start tattle taling on each other, claiming that they’re each victims of the other’s monstrosity. Tim gives Some Guy his “Your jejuneness is perplexing, who doesn’t like Matlock?” look.

Tim’s “Your jejuneness is perplexing, who doesn’t like Matlock?” look.

Tim tells them to there’s no “I” in “you’re out” and moves on to Bimbo and Nutless. He gasps at the bright red color, and Nutless explains that when they were told to go for a Paris look, they decided to be bold. There will be long armpit hairs coming out from under the model’s arms and she will be carrying a giant plate with tiny portions and yell at stupid Americans for no reason. Tim loves it!

Next up are Martha Plumpton and Himberly. Plumpton says that they are working well together and going for a punk/military look. It’s more grinch prom, but whatever. They’re not fighting so who cares? Not Tim. He moves on to Failene, who opens by saying she feels like she has a dark cloud hanging over her. It might be because she does. Literally.

Tim doesn’t know what to say about Miss Trinidad and Dollivier’s fabric choices. If it’s not beige, the Beigeian doesn’t know what to do with himself. Tim doesn’t know enough pedestrian words. It’s called FUG, Tim.

It’s nearing the end of the day. Some Guy I’ve Never Seen Before decides to try and play nice with Matlock, which is cute. Doughy Sirriano and Failene only have a tutu done, so they’re in troubs, and Split Ends is fighting off Quaker like she’s a bottle of conditioner.

Model fittings! That weird stripper music is playing again as they walk in. Is this a burlesque challenge? I don’t know what queen they let behind the Casio Keyboard for this episode, but he’s cracking me up. Matlock is in big trouble and he seems to know it. He chides the model for calling it a costume and snaps “it’s a fantasy, not a costume!!” Ana’s Linens had a dream, ok?

My mother’s fantasy of where her guests will pee.

Dolliver’s model looks like she’s at the police station to file an assault and battery charge. Men don’t respect women in bars even when they’re ten feet tall.

The day ends with Failene sobbing because her bodice looks like shit. Know why? Cuz it was cut off grain! OH NOES! She starts over, but can’t finish and now she’s let Doughy Christian down. He makes her feel better by following her out the door repeating “Did you go to school? Where’d you go to school? Did you take spanish in school? If you had been to school, what school would you have gone to?” on a loop.

Didn’t you hear the bell? School’s out! Leave!

It seems pretty clear right about now that Failene’s out tonight. Even if they win the challenge, she’ll sob about how she doesn’t know what she’s doing and get axed. If there’s one thing the judges universally hate, it’s pussies.

Ew. Pussy.

The next morning, some guy I’ve never seen before is walking around the apartment saying “you and I” in every sentence. LOL. Matlock takes notice and smiles. AW!! They’re gonna be together forever. In the girls’ apartment, Failene is whining about how she’s not as good as everyone else and annoying her roommates. She even dressed to get stepped all over.

Save the Twister dress for a non judging day, Failene!

Doughy Sirriano starts the day by refusing to let the top Failene made walk down the runway. He decides to make a tube top instead and sends her to the break room to look up schools in the phone book. He gets on the ladder and complains to everyone about how the top wasn’t cut ON GRAAAAAIN. In case we’re not really getting what’s going on here, Matlock pops up on screen and tells us Doughy is a little bossy bitch and pushed poor L Word to the breaking point. Jersey Chore is also being a bitch to Don Knotts, nagging her for every little thing she’s doing in his  condescending drag queen voice. Don Knotts has a great attitude and smiles through it all, even though she keeps letting criminals go on accident and ruining cases.

Tim comes in to stress them out some more, and Jersey Chore says that to be a part of the first public runway show in Project Runway history has left him speechless. THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING, MARY?!? SHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Last minute glue gun alert!! Failene let Doughy Christian do everything, but now that she’s seen the top he’s made, she’s really scared. She may be off grain, but that doughy bitch is just tasteless. She decides to make a Kenley feather for the model’s head so she can say she did something. Jersey Chore’s true colors are coming out, and they’re really…um….tacky. He starts glue gunning fake jewels to the already too much matador vest, and Don Knotts knows to just stand back and let him do his thing. I don’t know if he’s going for an homage to Christianity or AIDS ribbons, but I would like to think it’s a mixture of both. I like picturing Nancy Reagan beating on the lid of her grave and cursing and stuff.

Miss Trinidad looks kinda hot in her bizarre outfit, but of course she can’t even go a day without subliminally putting the syllable “cock” in our heads. Skank!

Who you callin’ pea cocked, heifer?

Hair and makeup time! YAY BREAK!! When I come back, Beigian is trying to describe what he wants, but the makeup guy can’t see him cuz he’s blending in with the wall. Miss Trinidad has to take over.

If These Walls Could Talk, they’d have fifteen accents.

Quaker was in charge of styling, and now her model looks like an extra from “The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.” Split Ends is mortified, and says “eet loog lige uge poompkeen.” HAHAHA.

Neither one of you should have been allowed near anyone’s hair.

They arrive at the outdoor show in Battery Park. They’re all freaking out at the enormity of the whole thing! Doing a free show in the park! It’s exhilarating! This guy Golden Voice felt the same way his first time. Then he got rich! And then homeless again. Ah, fame.

You KNOW you love it!

Failene knows that her work is shit, and she starts sobbing to Tim because she didn’t do anything. He pats her on the head disgustedly and puts on his “I don’t get paid enough for this shit” face. This is totally what I do when I have to babysit.

She’ll still be there when you open your eyes. And something will be on fire.

Fat Bitch Heidi comes out on the Runway in all black. It’s not thinning. People boo her and throw Spanx at the stage. She stutters that eet hass alwayss been my dream to do dees show out uff da side! Most people who do shows outside dream of having a roof over their head, but whatever floats your boat, fatass. Let’s say hi to the judges! Hi Kors!

Hi Nina!

Hi guest judge Kim Kardashian! HAHAHAH!!! She’s a “fashion entrepreneur”, cuz “blew a guy on the internet and became rich” was too long to put under her name.

She’s gonna love Matlock’s work, cuz it’s the only thing that would fit on her giant ho ass. Jersey Chore and Don Knotts’ look is out first. The Charlie Brown stripe pants are pretty stupid, and the matador jacket is stupider. I still don’t get this whole stilts thing, and since I’m not rooting for any of the designers yet, I find myself mostly rooting for a model to fall. But when am I not? I go to Whole Foods and throw pieces of ice down in the aisles on my days off.

The plastic jewels are a bit much, and the cape waving at the end of the runway is even more than much. It’s ridonk. But kinda funny too, cuz you know Jersey Chore yelled at her until she got it right like a clueless idiot toothless mom on Toddlers & Tiaras. Matlock and some guy I’ve never seen before’s dress is fug, and super tall. Matlock says if he had been able to work alone it would’ve been amazing. LOL. He never learns.

Tall chicks have the right to go out in public looking hideous too.

Doughy Christian and Failene are next. They made an outfit for jazz/ballet class. It’s as lame as they led us to believe it would be.

You suck!

The Grinch That Declared War on Christmas is next, and she can’t walk in her stilts. HAHAH! The pants are cool, but the bedazzling at the cuffs is gross. We don’t need another Jersey Chore. The top looks sad, and the models hook is the most fitting thing I’ve seen so far. As in, get the hook and drag this skank back to the bus bench they found her on.

Doliivier and Miss Trinidad are next. It’s still ugly, but at least they sewed the top shut. The stilts are bugging the shit out of me. Everything, again, looks super similar but in different fabric. All I can think is that this is enough fabric for God to use as a Kleenex tonight while he’s rocking back and forth asking himself what the fuck the point of all of this is.

Quaker and Split ends are up next. They made flowy mom pants and a wee through top with fake jewels glued to it and lingerie underneath. The poor model looks like she’s gonna kill herself, and I don’t blame her. It’s like a community theater production of Designing Women.

Nutless and Bimbo come out with the first interesting thing of the day. YAY! She kinda looks like an insecure girl who can’t dye her ginger away because of the back hair that keeps sprouting up, but still. Finally. Something decent.

The models do a final walk while Kim tries to convince us that she’s a serious fashion entrepreneur. She can look as snotty as she wants to, but at the end of the day, she knows where her money is coming from. It’s no accident that her cooch is showing.

Don’t give me lip, Kim.

Dollivier and Miss Trinidad are safe! The rest are kept as the tops and bottoms. Jersey Chore, Doughy Christian, and Split Ends’ teams are all on the bottom. They are sent to the back to get nasty with each other while the top teams are kept on the runway. Jersey Chore emphatically states that they’re all losers because they went too costumey. I love that he’s a know it all even when he loses. What a dick. Shhhhhh.

The judges all loved Nutless and Bimbo’s period piece, even after he admits that it’s glue gunned together. Kim Kardashian thinks it’s elegant. RUN! Why is her face so pulled back and botoxed? She’s starting to look like her step father. Nina thinks it’s beautiful, but says Nutless is a blatant rip off artist and should probably try to not steal from other designers. He smiles and nods like it’s the biggest compliment he’s ever received. Heidi asks who takes the most responsibility, and he says that he said before they even got up there that he wanted Bimbo to get the credit. Um, if you said that you’re giving her credit on purpose it’s not really giving her credit, ya dick. But he knows that. I guess he figured someone else should steal credit for once.

How the f are Quaker and Split ends on the top? I think that says a lot about how this season’s starting. Heidi loves the look, but they all hate the hair. Kors gives them credit for using chiffon. Himberly and Martha Plumpton are next. Heidi is impressed with the tailored pants and calls the whole look “almost perfect.” Nina loved the pants but hates the Star Trek collar. The designers are excused and told to send out the looooooosahs.

Matlock and some guy I’ve never seen before are first, and Nina’s pissed and disgusted. Her frog waddle’s already going nuts. She may be mad about the terrible fashion on the model or she might be hungry cuz Some Guy is dressed like a little boy on the way to Abuela’s funeral. Who knows? Either way, there will be blood.

Some Guy tries to spread the blame equally, and admits “we did had some trouble.” I wish Doughy would ask him if he went to school. Kors says the model looks like a tacky catering hall. HAHAH! She does kinda look like The Brownstone from Real Housewives of New Jersey. He says it’s old, and Kim says it’s like the scene from Sound of Music where they made outfits out of curtains. A reference they can both understand. Matlock flat out blames some guy, which is hilarious because this whole damn thing is him. Love Matlock! What a c word!! Some Guy stays calm and says they are both equally responsible, which could be the end of him. This isn’t about being a good person, some guy I’ve never seen! Two recent winners were Wretchen and Irana, two of the most hideous horrible people ever born. Don’t. Bore. NINA.

Some Guy says that he owns what he did, so Heidi tries to corner him and ask if that means he takes the blame. He stutters and says “no. I own it with him.” She has never heard of shared property or something and says that doesn’t make sense. She tries to get him to take the blame and says she doesn’t understand what he’s saying. It’s because he don’t talk too good, and it’s mean and wonderful that Heidi can barely read her cue cards and she’s all over someone for their communication skills.

Kim rips Failene and Doughy for making no effort and says it looks like it was made in the fifteen minutes she should have had as a career. Kors compliments the headdress, and Failene laughs that the one thing she made was decent. Doughy keeps hinting that Failene didn’t do dick, but he says she should def go home if they lose and she agrees.

The judges openly mock Jersey Chore and Don Knotts for making a matador circus tacky freakshow, and Julie says she refuses to throw Jersey under the bus. He, though, doesn’t have the same feelings and throws her ass in the street without there even being a bus there yet. What an asshole! He was the one who glue gunned Christian AIDS ribbons all over the damn thing. HATE.

In alone time, the judges repeat themselves a bunch. Heidi says Jersey can blame whoever he wants, but she knows it was him who bedazzled the shit out of that thing. HAHA. Kors mentions that the best thing about the Black Swan mess was the hat and says that it’s kind of unfair to keep Bryce when Fail made the only decent thing about it. Heidi is mad that some guy I’ve never seen threw Matlock under the bus, but they all remind her that Matlock threw him under the bus too. Reality sayings can’t be good for public transportation. I’m scared of damn busses now. They’re apparently mowing people down multiple times a night and riders become murderous every time they see one.

BIMBO WINS!! HAHAHAHAHAH!!! I love seeing stupid Nutless getting his ass beat. Himberly and Martha Plumpton are safe, and so are Split Ends and Quaker. Jersey Shore and Don Knotts are in. Heidi tells the remaining teams off, but then tells Matlock he’s safe and to go have a drink. He gets the shakes and starts sobbing. Doughy Christian is in! Fail and some guy I’ve never seen are left on the runway. Oh noes! Heidi pushes fail down and starts playing twister with Kors. SO SAD!!!

Fail sobs and pouts and asks the judges to please stop scuffing her dress. She tells us that she’s happy she came on Project Runway even though she’s not really a designer and looks forward to joining Food Network Star next season, where talentless jokers are rewarded with their own show. BYE FAIL!!! And TOLD YA! As she leaves, she takes her giant L with her.

Thanks for being here guys! See you next time!