There have been many great episodes of PR this season. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried (laughing at people who cried), I’ve given my TV the middle finger. Nothing, though, can ever compare to last week’s Chunk breakdown. I have been doing the whole thing for my friends all week, and they are sick to death of it. I, however, don’t think I ever will be. I wrote Sally Field a letter that said “YOU SUCK BITCH”. And after watching that performance, I truly believe that she does. I only bring this up because there is no way that this week can compare, right? I mean unless Kors’ face falls off on the runway or Nina chokes on one of her fetus shakes or Trandy shows off some kegals for us or something. But here we are anyway to enjoy the end of a really good year. So let’s get to it.
Previously: The clothes blew but the theatrics were amazing.
We open with a little Mexican girl ironing her hair into Sirriano shape for good luck.
Meanwhile, Trandy dreams of peeing while standing up….
And Wretchen gives the giant pasty chip on her shoulder its morning massage.
Want some salsa with that chip?
Wretchen cheers in a totally unsurprised way for making it to fashion week. She says she is going to remember this for the rest of her life. Yeah cuz it’s the last time you’ll have shelter over your head for awhile. After tonight it’s back to the streets of Portland, begging for change and giving possible donors advice they never asked for. Do the pedestrians of Oregon a favor and steal some little shampoo bottles before you leave that hotel.
She tells us that her goal is to make “myself, my community, and my support system proud”. I’ve got a way you can start without sewing a thing.
Trandy now has the chance to show the world who he is!!
Edward Gay Olmos(t a real woman)
No, Wretch. There isn’t tupperware here. Did you just put a fork in your pocket?
They notice a letter on the table with a lot of calories. Must be from Fat Bitch Heidi!
Dear Wretchen, juss keedeen you ah OUTZSZS! Pack yewah niffes ent go! Love, FB
PS Dees letter hass containedt two souzand caloreess! SUCKA!
They have some friends waiting for them at Parsons! Mono earnestly says “I hope it’s not family.” HAHAH! You better hope it’s not Christian Sirriano at the door demanding you give him back his haircut from like three seasons ago. Time to go and “look at least…good?” Yes, Wretch. Look at least good. That means CLIPPERS.
II was hoping it was Chunk at the door to get kicked off all over again.
Waiting for them are…the other cast members! Reunion time! If this show was still on Bravo, we’d have Bobblehead Andy for a host. But it’s not, so we’ve got Tim and Fat Bitch Heidi! YAY! I have a Tim Gunn bobblehead on a pen, so that will have to do for the day.
The whole gang is here! Even Zombie Hivy! How has no one taken an axe to her yet? She’s chained up, but still.
Tim gives them a big open mouth air kiss and we’re off! He starts by calling the room bitter sweet. Drunk ass Macy Gray nods and repeats what he said. Thanks for peeling yourself off the bar floor to come mimic Tim, Macy! Cheers to comebacks and Gap commercials!
“I try to walk away and I stumble.” – Macy Gray
Let’s take one last look at the empty couch before we are graced with Wretch’s presence.
Michaelthss already fakely has his arm on someone’s shoulder.
Wretch, Mondo and Trandy all say they’re happy to see the bitter resentful old contestants, but they don’t look like they are. Wretch’s cornhole just clenched up like the bottom of a poked snail.
Fat Bitch Heidi tells Trandy that he’s had some high highs and some low lows this year and then throws up a clip. Let’s meet Trandy all over again! He’s 23! He’s sweet! He walks funny cuz of the whole shoving his nuts in his butt cheeks for so long!
Trandy was a pageant gown designer and had to get out of it. Because he hated pageant gowns and because if you’re gonna get rid of your peen, it’s usually a good idea to find a new job too so you don’t freak everyone at the old job out. Now is “my time to design for me!” And metal dish scrubbers.
That hippie girl with the dreadlocks is leaning back! WATCH OUT GIRL!
Damn you Hivy! That girl was a single mother!
Trandy’s love of cloth being stuffed up crotches and butts is showcased with the memory of him giving Jackie Ho a camel toe in that misfire of a fancy sportswear challenge. I think it’s psychological. When he’s finally through with all the surgeries and no longer has to tuck stuff in his butt cheeks, he’ll stop giving women the hungry butt look. Mark my words.
Tony Robbins wants a better life for you music starts playing as Trandy talks about being an immigrant. “All I need are my dreams and a peen!” That was touching. Everyone claps and Chunk hugs him from behind. Well, you said you needed a penis. The show has aired, so Fat Bitch asks them what it’s like being stars now. Peach says that gay guys love her and she’s never heard “I LOVE YOU BETTY WHITE!” so much in her life.
This part was hard to hear, but I think Other Asian Guatemalan Valerie just said she met a guy through facebook because of the show. You have a friend invite from LuvChixWhoTalkTooMuchandSobinBathroom. Passy says if he learned anything from Project Runway it was an American accent to murder English with. I don’t like to hear him talking American. Make him stop it. It’s pronounced Eeenglees.
And now for the question that’s on everyone’s mind: Has Wretchen had a bottle thrown at her head in the street yet? She starts crying and says that strong women with an opinion are always stereotyped as a bitch.
So are bitches.
Hivy is rolling her eyes in disgust, and Fat Bitch gives her the floor. Wretch is fake! April pipes up. Wretch would say one thing to their face and then diss them all over TV. Wretch says that she never attacked character, just ugly clothes. I get that Wretch would trash talk people, but THEY ALL DID. IT’S A TV SHOW. The girls were fine when they thought Wretch’s evil was reserved for other contestants, but they can’t take it themselves. And why hasn’t anyone asked Hivy if she’s gonna get help with that whole eating body parts thing?
Chunk sticks up for Wretch and says he’s become close with her. That’s a lunch date I’d like to see. You know he’ll steal her fries and she’ll call him fat in five different ways that don’t actually ever include the word fat. “You look like you’ve been really happy in your house with your groceries! YAY YOU! Good to see you! I’m only ordering water with lemon because I know how to control my appetite. What are you having? You got some bigger pants that are only kinda tight now! Good for you!”
You’re so nice. Will you marry me? I’m getting cut off.
Mondo says they all said things they didn’t mean and it’s not cool to pick on Wretchen. April rolls her eyes. She seemed nice on the show, but she came back as the Angela Lansbury character in Sweeney Todd.
Wretch pouts as victimyly as possible as we watch clips of her winning a lot at first and then making Nina pull faces like this.
Random shots of passive bitchiness and crying. It was obnoxious enough the first time but thanks. FF. Tim asks Mondo about his “relationship evolution” with Chunk. Mondo admits he was a c word to Chunk at first because he was judging him based on what the mean girls were saying about him, but once he got to know him he liked him and he gives Chunk credit for being a hard worker. LOL. Not gonna call the guy talented or anything. That would be going way too far, but he sure works that needle as hard as he can bless his chunky heart!
GayJ shrugs it all off, saying sometimes you give people the wrong impression and you learn from it. Hey GayJ, who the fuck is talking to you? Shhhh. I had almost forgotten you until tonight and you ruined it. Just be quiet and invisible like the dead girl with the dreads. Tim was moved by the fact that they all came together and supported each other after all the drama of the season and applauds that. I’m waiting him to ask Mondo when he started shooting heroin into his calves, but he doesn’t.
Dang, mija. Wear some hose.
Clips of Mondo showing up to the first episode dressed like Christian Sirriano when he was a goth teenage girl.
Hi, I’m Peach. I wear the same thing every day. I hope for your mother’s sake that you don’t.
Mondo cries about what a burden being so immensely talented can be. LOL. That was funny I forgot about that. It’s pretty amazing how he’s become likable over the course of the episodes. At first I thought he was gonna be a prepubescent midget version of Pleather (Suede) from a couple seasons ago. Montage of the contestants thinking he’s a freak and Heidi teasing him about his outfit.
You both look embarrassing. You win!
HIV montage. It’s sad the second time too, and I give him credit for not saying HIV five times an episode since that reveal. That totally breaks the mold of reality star behavior so good on him. HIV is the perfect segue into a set of wacky clips! Chunk imitating Kors! Passy having a diva breakdown and getting fat! Peach talking like a hostess from the Cracker Barrell! Tim making balls jokes! Chunk looks a little offended, maybe because they showed the “is he an idiot savant or just an idiot?” crack from Wretch. Unfortch, he doesn’t do this:
Now for a clip of the moms. Chunk has a hard time not laughing at the shot of Christopher making out with his big hairy bald mom. So gross.
This was a good season for crying, so let’s see everyone break down! That was fun. Now Tim’s crying.
I’m experiencing corneal excretion. WAAAAHHHHeth.
No one will say who should win, cuz they’re a bunch of wussies. Tim breaks up the fun and sends the designers back to the workroom. Shortest reunion evah? Yeah, but Wretch was called a bitch and then cried so it’s fine by me.
The three finalists go back to the workroom and try to figure out how to take the “you suck” notes from last week and fix them with their lines already finished. Wretch’s are gonna look like poor Vietnam War protester rags no matter what she does, so she’s just gonna concentrate on belts and hair. Trandy’s planning on a surprise vaginal reveal to deflect attention from the clothes, and Mondo’s just gonna whine and mope cutely until things magically come together. He’s got Retired Adam Hambert (Seth Aaron) clothes and Sirriano hair, how could he lose?
Tim comes in to check on progress and gives them the relief of being able to get rid of a look, cuz they’re only supposed to show ten. Cut to clip of the Judges critique of Mondo last week. Too costumey. He says he’s been in the top consistently so fuck em. He thinks his finale gown will win them over, but Tim gives him his “I’d rather be raped and murdered in a subway station men’s room than watch that fug ass mess walk the runway” face so he trashes it.
Tim’s “I’d rather be raped and murdered in a subway station men’s room than watch that fug ass mess walk the runway” face.
Let’s ask Wretch Cunn T what she thinks. Mondo’s line is a bit much and it could backfire. True, but only if Trandy comes out with stuff that’s not all warrior slutty secretary skirts and folded origami tops. And I seriously doubt that he will. Tim checks on Trandy next. Tran is gonna get rid of the dreaded bathing suit and replace it with another bathing suit. He was planning on showing two damn bathing suits in the finale!?!??! He should be sent home right now. Tim warns him that the second bathing suit looks like it has hair coming up out of the crotch all up around through the chest and neck. Trandy’s like “um isn’t that how every woman looks in a bathing suit?”
No, girl. Just you.
Mondo thinks Trandy’s collection is missing texture and depth. Well yours looks like Paula Abdul’s sketches for the Bratz Doll movie and Trandy’s not dissing you. Wretch got her ass chewed by Nina, so she doesn’t know what to do. The judges are so inconsistent this year that they’ll probs love everything they hated last week. Trandy says Wretch’s work is too simple to win. No wonder the boys stuck up for Wretch in the reunion. They want a “talk shit free” card. Tim congrats the designers on all being somewhat talented and goes off to make up words to add to his lexicon.
Hair and makeup time! Thank God I need a break. FF. After getting the popsicle sticks’ hair did, the designers choose some tupperware off the GLAD wall of accessories to adorn them with. The one that’s good for keeping fish fresh for a week is the cutest. Mondo decides to use his bubble dress as his final piece, which is sad cuz it means that’s his best look and it’s just a tight black dress with bubbles on it. Yawn. Without patterns, he’d be making the most boring crap in the world. But he cried a lot this year so I’m behind him. With a squirt gun, but still.
Makeup time! I usually take a break at this part, too, but I just smoked three cigarettes and my heart might pop so I watch. Glad I did, cuz Mondo asks Gay Liotta the makeup guy to make all his models look like cholas. LOL. Done!
After this model wins, she’s gonna jack some cars out the parking lot.
Wretch wants her models to look unemployed and dirty, and Trandy wants his girls to look like they have chin stubble. Mondo had some missing models and is totally droll about it instead of getting all drama queen. BOOOOOO. He almost starts crying, but doesn’t. BOOOOOx2. Back at the hotel, the designers sit around and remind us how boring they really are. Could you guys talk a little more slowly about nothing? Wretch, for some reason, is wearing a knock off that swan dress from the Oscars. Current, Wretch.
The three all go to bed separately and stew. Trandy dreams of conceiving children, Wretch dreams of making out with Janis Joplin, and Mondo picks his fingernails. EW! The Janis Joplin dream was less disgusting. Wait. He makes it up to us by crying about making it to the end. YAY!
The next morning, Wretch dresses like an art teacher and Mondo puts on his Jannelle Mongay look.
They get to the runway and mumble about dreams and nervousness and stuff. Wretch tries to get used to what it will be like living on the streets if she doesn’t pull off a win.
Two hours til the show! Mondo has a freak moment cuz his order is all messed up, and Tim comes over to tell him to stop moping and get his midget ass to work. Crash and burn later, girl! You’re on TV! If anyone’s makeup is screwed up, blame this chick. She can’t see dick.
One of Mondo’s sticks doesn’t show up, but he gets a last minute alternate. Tim wants Trandy to get rid of some last minute pants and takes a vote of the model’s to agree with him. HA. So rude. Fat Bitch Heidi comes out on the runway dressed like The Pointer Sisters’ tour bus.
Damn girl! Lose a few! This right here is why they invented truck lanes.
HUGE stars are in attendance tonight. I think I saw a guy from the esurance commercials. And look! It’s Dakota Fanning! Wait no. Hivy ate her bony ass. Bye, Dak!
Let’s say hi to the judges! Hi Kors!
Hi guest judge Jessica Simpson!
Woah! Call Proactiv back and apologize for whatever you did to them.
Wretch is up first. She cries and then dresses in a swimsuit with a ballet skirt, which makes me cry. To offend swimsuits and ballet in one outfit is just mean.
No one who dresses like this should even be eligible to win a fashion show competition.
She comes out on the runway and cries. Oh wah stfu hippie. This collection is about the road she’s been on, and it’s called “To Hell.” First up is a pair of Jockey boxer briefs, a sports bra, and a jacket.
This girl looks like a rusty pipe.
Don’t drink the water.
Next up, a boring brown thrift store dress with a wacky pattern. It reminds me of the stripe that goes across Charlie Brown’s shirt.
Now for a brown, simple loose blouse over grey pants. She takes the mismatched from Mondo, but none of the fun. Saddest version of wacky ever.
And she’s purposely cut the pants so anyone who wears them will look knock kneed. Is that in? Cuz I’m knock kneed and I’ve been waiting for my time in the sun.
Watch out, high fashion! Here I come!
In the back, Tim is really earning that paycheck.
Rock deodorant doesn’t work. He’s gonna get pit stains on his suit.
Rusted pipe sailor pants. She went out of her way to make this show as drab as possible. Well done!
The back of this blouse has a cut stolen directly from Mondo.
Now for more stained looking boxer briefs. Why? I don’t know.
And…a simple flowy cheap looking dress pleated at the waist to be as unflattering as possible.
You know what this collection could use? Something unflattering and brown.
The Hugh Hefner robe is up next and it doesn’t look any better than it did last time. She’s added Spy VS Spy hats to up the style ante. It doesn’t work. But it’s not brown, so yay? Nope. Brown undies. So stupid. I wish Kors would walk up in the middle of the show and kick her off right now.
Let’s take another look at her brown rip off of Mondo’s mix n match wacky patterns style.
Now for the same boring dress with the Charlie Brown stripes, but as a blouse with plastic short shorts. Didn’t Chunk get booted last week for making everything brown for consistency? The only difference is Wretch’s line looks cheaper and she knows how to talk better than Chunk to get herself out of trouble.
More of the same.
That drab ass blah was her finale dress. There’s no way she’s winning this thing. By the end, Kors is laughing. Probably at a joke that her line is his goal color.
I can’t see shit in here and that was still terrible.
Trandy comes out wearing a version of his Jackie Ho Camel Toe pants. He’s pulling them out of his butt! LOL
His first look is pants in that same style, but they are silver and luxe looking with a lime green vest. After Wretch’s dishwater collection this is like a fireworks show already.
Courtney Love’s Nana likes it too.
Next up is a simple grey outfit with a digital antennae. How many cell phones just dropped a call because of this hooker?
And…the same thing, but for someone older. Zzzzzzzzzzz. Where are the Amazon Slut Warriors? The only thing these women would be fighting over is a sale rack at Dillard’s.
High wasted mom short shorts in lime green with a simple grey top. OK so this is two designers in a row relying on color for cohesiveness. Poor Chunk.
Mila’s here! And she’s really been working on her evil wattle.
Now for the hairy bathing suit. He put a beautiful flowy robe on it, but Kors laughs as it walks anyway.
I don’t know if he made the model’s crotch look wet on purpose or not, but it’s gross. Simple linen (?) grey short dress with fringey chains. For the Banana Repulic girl that likes to party well into the early evening.
Hot silver pants with camel toe. He really needs to stop obsessing over vagina folds. This is usually when I eat dinner.
Clown collar, mom waisted short shorts. These are in silver though so totes original. Are high wastes coming back in again? Did we learn nothing from the eighties?
One day you’ll grow up and you won’t have to wear your headgear anymore. Dream!
Green shiny pants, grey top. He’s wearing this theme super thin. The pants are hot, and the model’s vagina thinks so too cuz it’s eating them up in one big gulp.
This line is like a Golden Corral for vaginas.
His finale dress is the one he made in the last challenge. What a yawner. I had high hopes for him. I loved his first outfit and then bizoring. That is not the work of a tranny. Let’s see Mondo cry some more! He comes out and thanks Mexicans for keeping it real and says that they inspired his line. He opens with one of the outfits we’ve already seen, complete with the bowling ball bag.
Mom waisted short shorts in gold, which makes them totally different than Trandy’s! UGH. They’re better than Trandy’s, but this poor model’s vagina isn’t being fed. Sad horns.
Cow leggings and a baggy t-shirt with a glitter skull on it. Isn’t that plagiarism? Those glitter skulls are everywhere. So are cholas, but they don’t have to be one of a kind. The hair and makeup people really got the look down. I seriously can’t believe he just sent down leggings with a t-shirt. I want to stop typing about it but if I do I’ll have to press play and it might get worse.
Seen that one already. Next is a fairly simple party dress, but with a picnic pattern to make it original and some plastic beading on the top.
Now for some more mom waisted short shorts with a glitter top that old ladies wear in Vegas. The only things this chick is missing are a fanny pack and a tub of nickels.
Like these pants, but again, they’re a pretty simple pair of flares from the GAP with a wacky fabric. And glitter t-shirt. Does that model have curlers in her hair? Cuz that wouldn’t be surprising at all at this point.
Bubble top, silver skirt. But this one has a built in apron.
Lots of color blocking in the next one. Mila tribute! I don’t know why anyone would want to dress like an open window, but that’s me.
The bubble dress is his final piece, and it’s my fave. And I don’t even like that damn dress.
As a show, that was pretty fuckin lame all around. What a sad ending to a fun season. I had hoped Wretch and Trandy would step it up a little for this one. Mom waists? NEED NEVER COME BACK.
Mondo’s taking this one hands down, cuz it at least kept us awake. Let’s keep watching anyway. The judges start in alone time. Kors looks like a crosseyed, drunk, balding strip of Penny Loafer leather.
The judges think it was a wonderful show and the designers evolved! Riiiight. Bring those a holes out and tell us what you really think. Wretchen looks like she was just interrupted making out with the back of her elbow.
That bedhead is a total Nina kiss up.
They start with Trandy. He blahs about the Buddha Park that inspired his silk mom waists. Kors says it’s great and not costumey but too narrow in its focus. Fat Bitch wasn’t wowed by his first look but was by his last. Nina is glad he let go of the Warrior Skank look, but he lost too much of his own personality. He went too overboard “with this Orientalism”. Is that racist? Jessica Simpson is talking all intelligently, which I don’t approve of. What good is she without a dumb act? First Passanova learns proper English and now this? Just. NO.
Wretch pitches her line, and Fat Bitch gives her stink eye. LOL.
Nina calls her line fantastic and loved her prints and her knock kneed pants. Wretch nods in agreement. It was a little monotone and the opening look was pretty boring, but otherwise Neens loved it. Kors liked the overall vibe and gives her big ups on her jewelry. Heidi loved it mostly but thought it was a little repetitive. Jessica would be bored seeing it all on a rack.
Mondo’s turn! Kors says that it was very him, and Heidi calls it loud but liked his quiet moments too. He’s complimented on his skull t-shirt, which is insanity to me. Heidi liked his color blocked muumuu, and Nina liked everything but calls it too overdone and young. Nina hates youth. Unless you count the fetuses in her morning shakes. She loves those. She suggests some major editing. Jessica loved the personality and originality. Heidi can’t believe he would use the bubble dress at all after she was the only one that liked it last week, but he stands behind it. Well not behind it, otherwise we wouldn’t see him. You know what I mean.
Kors calls the plaid pants crazy pants, and he also loved the t-shirt. It was costumey but fun. Why should Mondo win? He says that he’s grown and loves himself. Jessica cries. Wretch says that she should win because she’s listened while staying true to her lame as crunchy self. Trandy wants the money. More Judge alone time!
They like some of Trandy’s pieces, but think he was way too safe. Jessica blames them for scaring him. HAHA. Kors hated the headpieces, but gives Tran credit for workmanship. They agree that he’s out. Heidi likes Wretch…as a designer. Nina thinks she’s modern and trendy, and Kors says that she was true to herself and polished her stuff up. Nina flat out loved her line, and no one disagrees. UGH.
Mondo is talented and creative and probably insane. Kors says the talent is there but he can’t edit enough to make his clothes work in real life. Heidi whines that he showed lots of wearable pieces. Nina told Mondo that he needs more sophistication but he ignored her. Don’t ignore Nina. She will eat your babies. She says that it’s a tie and she votes for both Wretch and Mondo. Jessica and Heidi pick Mondo. Heidi liked Wretch’s jewelry, but it’s not a jewelry show. Then she starts talking about liking bingeing on Mexican and Italian food. Awkward. She adds that Wretch’s work is too safe, then they all argue. Nina liked Mondo’s opening blouse but wouldn’t wear his bubble dress. Everyone agrees that would be a horrible idea. Nina also points out that Mondo’s clothes are like Seth Aaron’s and that look is already over. Wowch.
Nina likes Wretch cuz she’s current, and Kors thinks that she is in the moment. Basically he’s saying that people are poor now so Wretch’s stuff is perfect for a Depression. Heidi’s not buying it. Wretch’s line was so fucking brown. Jessica and Heidi are not having any of this. A split! So who’s gonna win? Nina and Kors or the Fat Bitches? It’s Heidi’s show, but she’s no designer, which was proven pretty hard in her internet challenge. PLEASE DON’T LISTEN TO THOSE OLD TURDS! The designers are brought back out, and Trandy’s given the ole kick in the used to be nuts. I kinda hope Wretch wins, cuz she’s standing up there in her undies. You don’t get more vulnerable than that.
Trandy takes it like a man and smiles with his family, grateful for the opportunity. AW! And the winner is….WRETCH!!! WHAAAAT?!?!?!! Oh man. What a shit ending to such a great season! And it’s not even about her hideous personality. That line was so fucking UGLY. Not sick to your stomach yet? Then here:
You should have told them about your dermatitis, mija.
Mondo is really sweet about his loss, which is extremely disappointing. Wretch says she feels like a hundred grand and jumps around while I roll my eyes and make tiny cuts in my thighs. YUCK. Are you guys as mortified as I am?
Some surprise guest comes on at the end and my DVR cuts it off. I don’t even care to know who the hell it is. Is it sick that I am this mad over a TV show?
Thanks so much for being with me this season. I had a great time with the show (until tonight) and look forward to seeing you fools next time! LOVE