Project Runway: To Infinity and Beyond Fug

Previously, McSmell was sent back to her McNugget without even a free tiny bottle of McShampoo. Poor thing. “Sometimes when you go for your dreams you get knocked down (or knocked up) WAAAAHHHHHH!” Let’s talk about this opening.

So You Think You Can Prance

You got to hand it to Passanova for using his first five seconds on TV to showcase his cornhole.

Poor twitchy Hivy is incapable of getting a good shot on this show.

Sometimes, when I get nervous, I stick my hands under my armpits and than I smell them like this!

We open the day with hungover ass Macy Gray about to barf into someone’s suitcase.

The girls seem pretty shocked that McSmell’s cute safe little dress was the first to lose. Everyone’s sad to see her go. Well, except for Peach, who’s old enough to not fake it any more. God bless the forties.

April loves Peach, telling us “she’s like my surrogate mother right now.” Like, she’s having a baby for you? Cuz there’s getting close too fast, and there’s just rude. Nice to meet you. You mind if I inseminate you just to see if it’s physically possible for you to come to term? That’s an extreme hobby. As a sidenote, there are birds chirping crazily outside my window right now. I kinda hate birds. STFU, nature! This is a CITY HAVE SOME RESPECT. Peach says that sharing a bathroom with two other girls will be gross, but not as gross as the boy’s room. Cut to the fat guy adjusting his wiener.

As he plays with his bawls, he notices Hawaiisain’s air brush makeup kit on the dresser. LOL! She snips “don’t judge me”, but I’m sorry. People like you were MADE for people like us. Mondo tells us that he’s super shy and tends to run away from social situations. Aw. Poor kid. He probably wanders around wondering why no one wants to talk to him. He needs a fag hag, cuz those girls would have no problem saying “it’s hard being friends with a guy who wears leggings and pull up socks.”

I remember when my sister’s friends started getting boobs. She bought a bra and started wearing it just in case boobs popped out one day during class. I guess my point is, even if your bra is falling down to your belly button, it’s still good to be prepared.

Puberty can be mean.

I wonder if Valerie the Other Asian was pissed at the bedroom when she found out it was wearing the same outfit she was.

The designers meet Tim and Fat Bitch Heidi on the roof. She congratulates them on making it past the final audition, also known as a normal first episode called an audition as an excuse to tack on a new episode to an already over scheduled TV show. They’re officially on the show! Unlike McKell, who was only…also on the show. I’ll let it go now. I never knew Posh Spice was so big in Hawaiisia.

Hey! Tim and Heidi are standing next to Guest Judge Judi Dench! Or Helen Mirren. I always get those Brit chicks confused. Let’s just call her Dame Judie Helen Mirren Blanchett Dench. I know Cate Blanchett isn’t English, but she might as well be.

Take somethin off!

The challenge is to design a look that defines the Marie Claire woman. She’s intelligent, confident and sexy! Keep tellin’ yourself that Dench. The last time I saw a Marie Claire magazine was at my Meemaw’s house. Not that she’s not intelligent, confident and sexy. OK she’s not. But she’s very nice, religious, and country. And she cries really hard when you beat her at canasta and then jump around her in circles belting “I beeeat you! I beat your stupid ass!” Wuss. The winner’s look will be put on a billboard in Times Square. Man, once you’ve been featured in Times Square you’ve really made it!

STAH

Hawaiisian really wants this one, and I want it for him, if only to see how long it takes to have the shit vandalized.

The winning look will be shot by a famous Victoria’s Secret photog. He took the famous pic of that woman getting ripped limb from limb by her murderous thug of a dress.

First they came for the models, and I said nothing, because I am not a model.

The designers head on over to the workroom to sketch. AJ decides his best chance of being taken seriously this week is to dress like the captain of the gay cruise ship on Boat Trip.

AJ is the one who said that he was afraid of old people. Well, if he leaves the house like that often I’m sure they’re afraid of him too. And so are babies. And toddlers. And adolescents. And pre teens. And teens. And young adults. And people of every color. And thirtysomethings. And poor people. And rich people. Point is, YIKES. There’s no shame in asking if you can take a commercial break and CHANGE.

Gretchen, who I figured would whip out some kind of granola hippie muumuu thing, has decided to do pants. Well, it’s kind of a muumuu with pant legs sewn in and a belt added. She is gonna make lots and lots of this formless hemp crap this season. There’s a market for hippies. It’s called Goodwill.

Mondo says that besides wearing training bras, he differs from other designers cuz instead of sketching he makes long lists of shit. And then we see the list and it looks insane. Chiffon, green paint, friends, pretty little buttons, stretch lace, invisible zipper, lube.

If those girls behind him had heads they’d be rolling their eyes right now.

Straight Guy wants to make the Infinity dress because people are afraid of death. Wow. I was about to start typing stuff about that but…it’s just. Too. DEEP.

People drown in kiddie pools too, ya know.

Let’s go to Mood! They have $150, which worries Passanova cuz he doesn’t have enough money for a “sophistication gown”. Or enough sophistication, but you can’t buy that anyway so what’s the point of bitching about it now? Nicholas, the guy who looks like he’s being erased from the head down…

…is taking a circle of fabric and draping it into a little jacket. And he’s having a little bit too much fun with it.

You’re lucky this isn’t in a park or you’d have to register on the Meghan’s Law site.

Peach wanted houndstooth, but ends up with polka dots and some brown poo. She deadpans to the camera “It’s…bad”. Hivy is having a rough time of it, too, but thankfully she’s adorable! At least she thinks so. I wonder how mortified she’s gonna be when she sees herself on TV.

Back at the workroom, Peach is now flat out skerd of her fabric choices. And from the looks of it, she should be.

If this were a Swensen’s uniform challenge, you’d have a decent shot.

We get some foreshadowing about what a monster Macy Gray is going to turn into when she starts going off about some idiot breaking a bunch of needles on the sewing machine. She can’t remember the last time she broke a needle! Probably? Cuz she was drunk. Valerie is babbling to Michael about how confused she is and blahblahblah. Meanwhile, he is making something that’s just awesome to stare at. Is that wicker?

Passanova is still trying to put a pattern together. Ay carumba. He asks AJ for help, and AJ’s like um no. LOL GayJ! He doesn’t just say no, though, he kind of goes off on a really prissy stutter fest about it. Passy’s like “hokaaaay, jeeeze”. Back at his own table, GayJ’s still muttering “I’m not gonna help you.” HAHAH.

Tim comes in to check on progress. Valerie’s doing a trench dress. Tim loves it, and Gretchen thinks she’s her biggest competition. Tim gets to Mondo and gives him credit for taking the matronly critique from last week and turning it into way young and fug instead. He doesn’t have a sketch for today’s work, but Tim trusts him. Straight guy tries to explain the infinity dress to Tim “like 8 for season8!” All Tim can really say is

It’s best not to mess with a guy dressed like a Charlie Chaplin mime with a bracelet made out of teeth.

The great thing about this show is that it doesn’t only make gay people look like fucking buffoons. Yay fairness! Straight guy warbles on about 8s and blahblahblah but he doesn’t have one thing started. Tim looks at him long and hard and clenches his butt cheeks and licks his lips. Gross, Tim! After he realizes that he’s still not gonna get a boner no matter how hard he tries, he says “I’m concerned about you.” SG tells us that he’s a straight (iffy) guy in a gay man’s world and Tim shouldn’t be so hard on him. Dude. You STAPLED TOGETHER A KIMONO.

Tim moves on to Gretchen and congratulates her on winning with her snore ass dress last week, telling her she has a super mediocre act to follow. She’s like yeah I know…um could you tell me how to make pants? Passanova is doing a sailor outfit. Bwahahahahah. Tim says he went from slut to old lady in a week. Passy’s like “me no speaky Engly” and Eraserhead calls him on pretending he doesn’t know English whenever he’s in trouble. I had a maid who did that. I learned Spanish just so I could tell the bitch off, and then she cried and pulled her hair and screamed “I QUIT YOU MONSTER!” And I was like OH NOW YOU KNOW ENGLISH! How come maids don’t have facebook accounts? I keep searching for her so I can beg her to come home.

Nicholas is next and Tim’s first question is “what’s happening to your head?”

By next week he’s gonna be a dress form.

Nicholas pitches his dress hard and says that he’s being super innovative. Tim just goes “mmhmm.” Eraser shows off the back, which Wretchen points out is a ripoff of the back she made last challenge. Mmmm…kinda, but every time someone shows off a back you can’t call them burglars.

Tim doesn’t get the whole “draping a circle” thing and says he’s in danger of ripping off Little Red Ridinghood. Michael tells us that he’s got this in the bag and all dese bitches goin doooown! Then Tim sees his dress and calls it Blanche Devereux (RIP). Bwahahahah.

Peach gets the silent treatment at first, but she’s so nice Tim tries to be kind to her. She knows it’s kinda sucking right now. Tim says “At least you know that!” like it’s a compliment. HA. Then he does this.

Peach takes Tim’s advice and trashes her dress. Michael tries to warn Sara against using orange, but she doesn’t listen. And why should she? He’s kinda terrible at this point. Tim announces “another element”. Everyone freaks out! Crazy music plays! Commercials! The twist is that…they will all get to work with a photographer. That’s not a twist it’s a crutch! Have them make a dress out of cat poop gravel or something. The judges will take these photos into consideration at the end. Straight Guy says the news is “baggage on my head.” As with most things he says, I’m just gonna have to let that stand without comment.

Model fittings! Chubby Michael complains to his model that Tim always hates his work. She looks like a poor girl on Halloween wearing a trash bag and calling herself a witch.

I refuse to give you candy until you make a little more effort, little girl. This ain’t a charity!

Passy asks Wretchen for help and she nonchalantly tells him that his fix would be good. He changes it. “That would be gooder.” She’s really enjoying watching him flounder, and so am I. Straight Guy is still trying not to focus on his pet’s boobs.

Put on the lotion.

Then Passy asks Wretch for more advice. And then asks for more. And more. And more. GayJ did the right thing by just saying no. She tells Pass that they are bosom buddies. He doesn’t like that she is suggesting he has boobs, so they settle on hips buddies. Cuz hips on a guy are way more flattering.

Peach is a nervous wreck and has like three dresses going at once. She keeps telling her model that they’re going home this week. Aw. Yeah maybe. Eraserhead says that his biggest problem right now is his model’s giant tits. Nectarine size is giant for this show. But it’s only fair that flat chested women have an industry that they have a head start in, too. Big boobed girls have all the fun everywhere else.

Since the show is longer now, we are treated to at home time. The girls hang out and have fun together, and the boys hang out and complain about what a weirdo Straight Guy is. Then Peach whines about how terrible she is. UGH. I love knowing nothing about these people better.

Mondo hides in his bedroom and then cries about how lonely he is. Oh wah. “I’m never loved for who I am, just for what I create!” HAHAHAH. Self pity and total narcissism in one sentence. Nice. And for the record, we have no evidence of people loving what you create, either. Just, like, buy an ironic t-shirt or something and stop wearing leggings. Then, I dunno. Talk to people. “I feel like this gift and this talent are a curse sometimes.” LOLOLOLOLLL. Mondo has great potential for…my recaps.

Leather bottoms go to formal events too, k?

The next morning, his mood is more positive. He actually speaks to a roommate and tells us that he has decided today he’s gonna “droll with the punches”, which is a pretty perfect thlip of the tongue. Even his outfit is more positive.

Dirty Harry would be pr…well maybe not proud exactly. Mortified?

Model fittings! Mondo asks for some advice on his work from Valerie, and she suggests getting rid of some of the punk since this is a Marie Claire challenge. I wish that she would have taken that opportunity to ask why he murders muppets and wears them to work. I can’t be the only one disturbed by that.

Hair and makeup. Yay! Smoke break! FF. Peach tells us that she’s glad that she has her model at least covered, “but unfortunately she’s covered with Barbie’s sofa.” HAHAH.

By the time the photo shoot rolls around, Straight Guy has decided that instead of finishing his dress he’ll use safety pins. The only shock there is that he didn’t say “nail gun”. Hivy giggles with Valerie about how ridiculous his dress is, and Chubby Mike mmhmms fakely and tells SG he’s totally on the right track because SG is creepy and you never know when he’s gonna come up behind you with a pair of scissors and stab you in the neck. LOL. Well said.

GayJ is going for punk today, but he just looks like a really left alone depressed housewife.

God forbid I have dreams, or a life, or a SCHEDULE.

Zanna is the shoot’s director, and she does GayJ proud. At the very least, she tried to hide the fold the dress makes that makes the model look like she’s lost a hundred pounds and is showing loose skin.

Wretchen’s jumpsuit thing is pretty cute, if a little WWII working at the factory. I hate the droopy shoulders. She did that last week. Is that her thing? Can droopy shoulders be a thing?

April’s dress doesn’t look like it fits in any of the shots. No matter what position her model is in she looks like a mess. There’s a bulge on the hip. Is that a pocket? Did she seriously pad her model’s hips? Why is this girl even a model if she has to have padding? It’s certainly not her head that’s getting her work. She has Obama ears. Oooooh. Maybe it’s her head after all.

Hawaiisian has made sailor pants. WHY? All around fug, and they need to be hemmed before the model falls and breaks her face.

To call Chubby Mike’s dress “Blanche Devereaux” is just disrespectful to an old slutty woman. It’s just gross. There’s a big droopy bow sack thing in the front and even the model looks like she’s gonna hurl.

Now walk like that. Who gave the model food poisoning?

Christopher is using black, grey and yellow, and it doesn’t work. Especially with those shoes. Come on, kid! You have a whole wall of GLAD accessories! Make her walk in those disposable tupperware bowls. They’re microwaveable.

Fug is fug at any degree.

He is entertaining when he tries to show his model how to jump, though. His version is way less manly than hers. Poor Martha Dumptruck.

Eraserhead comes into compete for the gayest pose award and almost takes it.

We don’t get to see his shots, but his dress looks like the ones worn by those rich ladies on the Upper East Side that don’t pick up their tiny dogs’ poop.

Valerie’s dress is my fave so far. It’s sporty and simple.

Macy Gray has concocted another formless wonder. This time in pink and cream. Did clown collars come back in? Cuz they’re all over this show this season. And why is she making her model stand like she has cramps?

This looks like a Midol commercial.

Sara’s dress looks like somebody ripped it apart and the model just went to work anyway cuz she had a leotard underneath.

Peach disses her model, saying there’s no fire. That dress could definitely use one.

I think Passy’s blouse is pretty hot. Shockingly.

Mondo’s direction is hilarious. He tells his model he wants her to walk in and then be surprised by something she passed. She does it! So funny. Like she just caught herself in a mirror for the first time that day.

Oh fuck what was I THINKING?!

I think without that crap all over the front he would have a real shot.

OW my tooth!

Straight Guy says that he used safety pins on purpose so they can style the dress differently and Zanna’s like um no. HAHA. He should open a shop that sells pashminas and staplers and call it a day.

Zanna tries to talk him out of using the shot he picked (above), but he doesn’t listen. If he’s not out today this season is gonna lose all credibility. How far can just being straight take a person?

SG says the judges have to look past little flaws like having no skillz. Runway time! Fat Bitch Heidi hunted down the only living geometrical leopard and killed it for that hideous blouse. Peta’s gonna be piiiiiiissed.

Let’s say hi to the judges. Hi Kors!

Hi Nina!

Hi Dame Judie Helen Mirren Blanchett Dench!

Nicholas is first out, and notices that the judges don’t look as impressed with his look as he is.

Straight Guy, sending his model out safety pinned up, says “I think I stumbled upon something.” I think you mean on. Then he says, and I’m not making this up, that his dress is impeccably sewn! LOL! GayJ notices for the first time that his own model looks like she was impregnated by an alien.

Bloaty Jodie

Peach has a point about her model. The girl walks like a catatonic drunk. We didn’t see Knit Michael’s work in the other segment, so here it is. His homage to wicker in all its glory.

He thinks it is too short and should be in a rap video. LOL. Hivy’s dress wasn’t shown either, so here tis. Another Plain Jane blah nothing dress with terrible fit She might have just saved Straight Guy’s bowler.

Hawaiisian’s sailor pants still make me mad, but he has these trick sleeves that fan out. Why? I have no idea. They’re not cute in either form, but at least he knows tricks!

The first blouse dedicated to the woman who occasionally gets a shoulder pimple or two.

Passy’s happy with is work for the most part, but hates his own choice of navy for the top. “I done know why I decide dat deesturbeen color.” HAH. Gretchen describes her model as “my dream girl.” There’s a lot of sexual harassment going on this year. Mondo, Peach, Straight Guy, Jason, Valerie and Wretchen are kept on the runway. Everyone else is safe. GayJ sobs in celebration. For not winning. Wow.

Heidi hates Peach’s dress, and Kors calls it an Amish cocktail dress. Nina disses the dress and the matronly styling. Peach says she made three dresses. Unfortch they all stunk. Nina loves Valerie’s dress and calls it sexy/conservative. The other judges agree. Straight Guy blahs about his Infinity bullshit, but Nina thinks it’s boring. Even though she goes with his “intentional” safety pin lie. Ridonk! Even if it was intentional, which it wasn’t, who sells clothes with safety pins on it? Dame Guest Judge at least gives him a long, snooty hell no. SG starts restyling. Too late!

Wretchen pitches her outfit as a for 22 year old or a 35 year old, which means the older women on the panel are gonna love it. And they all do. Including Kors. Nicholas goes on about his circle. The judges give it a universal HATE with the cape on. They like the top, but not the back of it. Mondo’s dress is “cool” and he says he was inspired by the opening credits of Mary Tyler Moore. AW! Dame Guest Judge says MTM is what inspired her to come toAmerica and become a man eating power hungry slut.

In the holding tank, Straight Guy blames his failure on the model and the other designers call bs. He tells us he’s had a chip on his shoulder cuz he’s misunderstood. And has no talent. In private time, the judges repeat themselves a lot. Dame GJ wonders aloud if Straight Guy’s ever even talked to a woman. HAHAHAHAH. They laugh openly at Peach and Dame GJ calls her work hopeless. Yikes. Heidi teases that they might be sending more than one person home, but you’re not trickin me Chunk!

Wretchen wins again!!! Wow. They’re gonna need a super light background in that photo shoot. Good for her. She tells us how high she’s set the bar. Whatever. Comb your hair. Chubby Mike fakely says he’s super proud of her. LOL. I like that guy. He’s as tacky as his clothes. The loser is….probably not Straight Guy cuz he’s straight. Peach is safe! Straight Guy is….OUT! I can’t believe it! He was so talented! I predict he will dismember someone within a year.

He refuses to hang with the other designers and leaves. Christian is sad that he can’t be fake to him on TV. Tim says he missed his chance to say big words to SG before he left. And the Heidingo tricked us! She did kick off two! Lata Eraserhead! YAAAAAYYYY. I’ve been needing a good cry, and this week we got two!!

LOL

He sobs and everyone tells him stupid stuff like “you have a lot to go back to!” Really? The guy was sewing felt flowers on his shirt like last week so I don’t know where you got that impression. Hivy tells us how shocking it is that someone goes home every week. I’m shocked that it hasn’t been her yet. Next week, come back to be with Gretchen while she experiences her dreams!!

OH God. It’s a wet one.