Project Runway: Twigs, Hats, and Sad Vaginas

Previously, Wretchen got worse, Trandy got some recognition, and Betsy Johnson scared all the gay kids who watch this show. Oh yeah, and Hivy died.

RIP, Twitch.

We open with Hivy dead in the hallway of the apartment building. Other Asian Valerie tells us how nice it is to be the only living Asian woman on the show now, and Trandy gets super offended at that comment. So offended that one of his testicles falls out of his butt crack. How embarrassing!

Wretchen and Other Asian try to come up with reasons for Hivy’s death. She smokes a lot, she drinks a lot of Diet Coke. LOL. You know what we have become, people of 2010? Pussies. Hivy died because God hates her. The end.

I should get down to the funeral home and give them suggestions on how to bury her. Set the bar high for contestant burials, you know? Like, really really HIGH.

 

Wait, it’s 3 AM and a van pulls up to the apartments. Turns out, Hivy died of dehydration and on the way to the funeral home she was attacked by a zombie. Now she’s gonna live forever and suffer from an addiction to human flesh. Does Diet Coke kill zombies too? Let’s hope so.

Zombie Hivy

She says she’s totally embarrassed, but happy to be living dead. On the runway, Fat Bitch Heidi comes out wearing another cow camouflage blouse. What’s with that? Is that in fashion? Is it a stand for or against meat? I think against, like if the farmers can’t tell the difference between you and a real cow they might not murder. If I was a farmer I would totally harpoon Heidi right now to make this fashion trend stop.

Meat=Murder=Delicious

Since not many of the designers this year have been so great at making clothes, the challenge this week is to make hats! At least that’s what I think it is, cuz the sticks come out wearing giant hats. This is totally suspenseful, cuz you know at least one of them will break in half due to the extra weight. These girls weren’t made to carry…well, anything.

Here’s to the Ladies Who Don’t Lunch. Or Dinner or Breakfast.

This girl looks like a tall drink of cancer.

The designer of these hats has designed for, and I quote, “the most beautiful women in the world.” Examples? Sarah Jessica Parker and Lady GaGa. LOL! I love both those women, but I don’t think they’re known for their beauty. Maybe inner beauty? But how do you design for that? Now that’s a challenge. Make an outfit for someone’s healthy glowing spleen.

You would think a dude that has lopsided hair on purpose and sits around making hats all day would be gay, but he’s totally trying to catch Fat Bitch on the mouth. Unless he’s a zombie too and he’s slurping out her eyeball. America, we have to do something about zombies before we’re all infected. Cut the pc crap and buy a blowtorch.

I would go straight for your brains but I don’t wanna mess up your bangs. So hard to make those work and you’ve done it, girrrrl!

I think his last name is spelled wrong. There’s no shame in a plain name like Tracy, k? It sounds like someone from Milwaukee trying to pronounce it. Treeeacy, do your homework! DAMN! It’s not a hat challenge! They will have to design a look inspired by one of the hats. I hope Knit Michael chooses this hat, just to see if it will snag whatever he’s gonna make today.

This is made out of one of those birds that flew into the plane engine that crash landed into the Hudson last year. Poor scared thing. It didn’t know what hit him.

Treacy tries to give advice about not being too matchy matchy, but he’s super slow and quiet and weird about it. This is a creepy episode. The designers also have to design the outfit for a specific personality that would wear the hat, and for some reason this means they have to use their personality free sticks. Trandy sticks with his girl, even though she’s wearing a giant plate with a moldy corn dog on it.

Poor blinded model. You should have eaten that corn dog when you had a chance. Now it’s just gonna make you fall down a lot.

April likes the bird through a plane engine hat, but says the model is a total asshole so she’s gonna stick with her model and dress her like Trandy.

The Wicked Witch of the Waaaaay East

Peach doesn’t want the bitch model either, but she likes the dead bird hat so she keeps her. Everyone stays with their models. At the workroom, they get down to planning. Trandy says his moldy corndog on a plate would totally be worn by someone in the Royal Family. Well, maybe Fergie but that bitch is desperate for PR.

Other Asian Valerie is in love with David Bowie in Labyrinth so she’s gonna go that route. I like that movie too. First time I’ve ever seen someone so in control of balls. It was downright inspiring.

 

Chunky Michael has drawn a pretty safely ugly dress. He’s also given his model really giant hips. Why is it that fat people want everyone to be fat and skinny people want everyone to be skinny?

Macy Gray is super worried about getting stuck with the flower hat, saying how tough it is gonna be. Someone needs to hand her a bottle of wine and explain to her that the hat represents vaginas. Then she can get back to her drunken formless designs with ease.

This is probably what Heidi’s jay looks like after squeezing out so many kids.

At Mood, Knit Michael rudely throws shit all over the floor while Mondo…well I don’t know what he’s saying cuz I can’t see past his outfit. It’s been awhile since I’ve lived in NY, but man. Where have all the bullies gone?

There’s gay bashing, and there’s beating someone up cuz they’re hurting your eyes. One’s evil, and one’s a public service. Get to work, bullies!

He says that the fabrics all have different voices, and he’s hearing them. They’re all saying “Change.” Hivy says that she was inspired by hospital curtains. LOL. Stupid dead people. She’s gonna milk that for all it’s worth. Back at the workroom, Passanova says he’s “seriously theenkeen to queet.” He can’t stand all the criticism! Well, there’s an easy way to solve that. STOP SUCKING.

Hivy tells us that Passy is a diva, but it’s expected because he’s a big queen. HAHAH. I know that’s offensive and bigoted, but as a big queen I have to admit it’s kinda true. He goes on with his Frenchoriccan accent about how no one thinks he has taste. I’ll wait for someone to argue….I don’t have all day. Ok moving on.

Macy Gray is also complaining, but in better English. She says that the flower is too literal for her. Good lord all you ever do is make your model look fat and shapeless. Just do that with color and shut up. Everyone’s stressing as ush, so Zombie Hivy takes a moment to eat some homeless person’s brains that the producer’s have waiting for her in the fridge.

Sometimes this show is just one giant enabler.

 

Did that gross you out? No? Then how bout this?

If you haven’t thrown up yet, I’m not doing my job.

After a liquid lunch, Macy Gray has decided that she’s totally inspired now. Yay wine! She wore a flower headdress thing at her wedding and says that just the thought of it makes her horny cuz after all, it’s just a giant vagina! See? Some people need alcohol to function properly. It’s not a crutch, it’s taking your vitamins. Christopher makes fun of her for being into vaginas and she almost asks “isn’t everyone?” but stops when she realizes she’s surrounded by a pack of Project Runway cast members. HA.

Montage of everyone talking about how crazy Macy Gray is. I hope this doesn’t mean she’s out tonight! I know she’s all about formless, but that shit has a place in the world. Mostly in my fat ass closet. Chunky Mike says that it’s father’s day and he misses his son. Wait. What? Wow. I wonder how embarrassing that bring your dad to school day is.

You can only come through this line once, sir, now back the fuck up.

He asks Hivy if she likes his dress and she snips “if that’s your style…” What a bitch. I thought getting rid of her humanity would make her nicer, but it didn’t. It just made her stop drinking Diet Cokes. Yes, Chunky Mike is terrible. FAKE IT. It’s called manners. Thankfully, April’s here to give her supportive face.

He’s got a seam coming down the front of his dress. Head shake. Well, at least you’ll be there to not play ball with your son soon. Tim comes in to check on progress, starting with Valerie. She’s doing a faux leather jacket with lots of zippers. Tim is silent and scrunchy. He finally says that the zippers are unnecessary. She wants to take his advice but probs won’t. And why should she? He’s kinda batting…I actually don’t know anything about baseball so I can’t come up with a saying. Tim has been running designers into ditches for two seasons running. There. Drunk driving references I can do.

April’s doing short shorts. LOL. Tim says it looks like the diapers he has to wear to bed in case he has that dream about Nina crawling out of a well and ripping his face off after watching some fuzzy VHS tape he thought was a Jeff Stryker Best Of collection.

He’s got a point. Nina is terrifying.

April says she would wear the shorts if she had a tiny butt. Another one not wanting to listen. MUTINY! Knit Michael is designing a hand protector for a hot cup of Starbucks.

Tim asks what the fabric is, but he doesn’t know. HAHAH. It’s totally matching the color of the fortune cookie hat. Tim tells him to walk the precipice, and Knit tells Tim to speak English. Wow. We need to take him and Hivy in to the national PTA board and make a serious argument for Public Education Reform.

Tim doesn’t like a couple parts of Macy Gray’s dress, so she whips out some scissors and just cuts. Then she lays on the floor, puts her feet in the air, and starts mumbling about how Timberland won’t call her back any more. Wretchen tells us how gross Macy’s work is. Wow Wretch, you’ve been so quiet! It was nice. Try doing that more. Macy pulls out some alternative fabric and Tim shrieks in horror and tells her to stick with the fug she’s got.

Tim’s not liking that GayJ’s polka dots don’t line up, which means he’ll have to either resew the whole thing or burn it. Peach is making a hooker skirt to show that she’s not too old, but she’s making it out of granny couch material. Oh, Peach. Rag on Wretchen some more so I have a reason to root for you. Tim worries that the skirt is too short, but Peach promises it won’t be short enough to show “the good china”. HAHA. Only Peach would compare vaginas to dried out antique plates.

I keep mine safe until there are a bunch of guests over and then I make them eat off it. It’s dangerous, I’ll tell ya. One time I got pregnant with a fish baby and I made a note to self: never serve smelt eggs on the china. Or yeasty bread. Now it’s steak all the way.

Mondo is using polka dots too. Tim doesn’t wanna make him cry, so he just does this.

He loves Christopher’s dress. Which means it will be in the bottom. The fabric’s pretty fab, but that’s an old ass looking dress. He’s gonna get the Kors MOB treatment if he’s not careful.

He also has a bunch of buttons to make it interesting, but Tim says no. I wouldn’t listen to that. It needs something. Maybe a really fancy walker. Passanova was confident until Tim told him that dress has been done a zillion times and then makes the “I just farted and didn’t even feel it” face.

He says it’s very Donna Karan 1988. Ouch. Passy probably doesn’t know who that is, but still. He cane mage no more meestake! He no a cat weet sayven live! Tim pauses for a moment, wondering if he should try and say “precipice” again. Who’s gonna wear the hat? Let’s start there. Passy answers “Oh my gode no one! Ees very literaterrial.” Editorial. Look, I’m all for immigration. I just feel bad for whoever’s trying to order a side of fries at whatever McDonald’s this fool is working at in a couple months. No, I didn’t want a surprise dammit! Give me my fucking FRIIIIIIES!

Tim argues that people actually do wear Treacy’s hats, and Passy can’t believe that. Tim says that the dress is too wearable. Passy doesn’t know why that’s bad, cuz dresses are supposed to be worn. Tim stays calm and says it looks like Passy went out and bought a dress and is gonna pair it with the hat. Passy nods like he doesn’t see that problem with that. LOLOLOLLLLL. There is a long pause and Tim just shrugs and walks off.

Chunky Mike is having an even harder time, cuz he knows what Tim is saying and it’s not good. He feels bad, but it’s hideous. He does end with a compliment. The ever popular “at least you know it’s bad.” Chunky Mike takes the advice and cuts the dress off the mannequin. Knit Michael says Chunky Mike doesn’t know what he’s doing and didn’t even bring a ruler. You know what he did bring? A v-neck cut down to his belly button. This is why these shirts are dangerous, cuz muscular dudes wear them and then everyone wears them. They’re a fashion infection that doesn’t just stay within the anorexic community. Like skinny jeans. And bikinis.

=

Wretchen takes time out of her busy schedule to tell us how hacky and terrible April is, and then Chunky Mike talks to his family on the Sidekick of Doom! Which is now an Android of Doom. He’s out! He tells us that as a designer it’s good to go with your gut, but you also have to know when to stop. Is he being funny? I can’t tell. Cuz not being able to stop is how you get a gut. Is that his point? I’m depressed. He takes some other fabric he bought and starts over.

That night, the designers go home and trash talk each other. Wretchen says Passy doesn’t know what’s modern or fresh, the boys think Knit Michael’s work looks like a cardboard box, and Wretch calls Peach, April and Macy Gray out as the bottoms. Well, the bottom three. Way too many bottoms to call out three.

When we come back from break, Macy Gray says she thinks she’s gonna be on top. LOL. Passy does a facial, and he looks like a Garbage Pail Kid.

Gasanova

Or a hatless Wretchen. Back at the workroom, it’s time for fittings, hair and makeup. YAY. BRB smooooke. FF. Reason #507 to love Mondo:

He was inspired by his own Fagnum PI look. LOVE HIM

He’s doing menswear with that hat. The hairdresser’s like ummmmkay please stand behind the yellow line I need personal space. Let’s get back to designers dissing each other! Passy says that Chunky Mike’s new dress is owned by every Puerto Rican girl ever born. Don’t self hate, Passy! Christopher is convinced he’s gonna win, but all Wretch will give him is “I like the styling.” Treacy comes in and helps out a bit. By help I mean he talks really softly, lowly and creepily. EW. Get him off my tv. Runway time!

Heidi comes out to “Kissed by a Rose” and she’s wearing a branch on her head. They finally figured out how to organically grow fat bitches.

Well done, science!

Let’s say hi to the judges! Hi Kors!! I was looking for an orange pic to put up, but he looks brown today. Like a melting fudgesicle.

No sugar added.

Hi Nina!

Somewhere backstage, Tim just fear pooped.

Hi Treacy!

Chunky Mike is first. His dress isn’t great, but it’s not as bad as it was. And his model will win any ping pong game you challenge her to.

Wretchen made a super simple flowy short dress with beige leggings. UGH. Gross. She says that she would wear it. Well, I couldn’t have said it better. The poor model looks like someone smashed a bowl of mini-wheats into the side of her head.

Macy Grey? I don’t get it. Except for the parts that are obviously referencing the inner vagina walls. Too literal, and way tmi.

Vagina funeral.

Knit Michael’s hat looks like a napkin holder, his top looks like a cardboard coffee cup protector, and his skirt looks like the raw hand flesh that tried to grab the cup before the protector was put on. The whole thing is pain.

Valerie’s work is boooooring. She couldn’t come up with something for the mask so she just made her usual sportswear crap instead. LAME.

GayJ’s polka dot dress looks like something Kenley Penley would wear. I don’t blame that crab for eating the model’s head off.

Even sea life hates poor Kenley.

Trandy did a very classy homage to paper plates and blind people.

Hivy took a vibrant hat that’s full of life and pared it with blah. Has she made anything that you couldn’t get of a Banana Republic sale rack? Blech.

April’s diaper extravaganza is next. It’s as bad as you thought it would be. But the model doesn’t have pee leaking down her leg so I think we can call that a success.

Fuggies

It’s so bad that Nina literally hides. HAHAHAHAHAH.

Christopher’s dress looks a little less MOB with leggings, but now just weird. Like an old ass dress that was gutted by some poor twenty year old obsessed with thrift stores. He completed the torture by putting coal on his model’s head. She’s smoking. Models aren’t real people, but that doesn’t mean you can just burn them whenever you need to come up with ideas.

Peach had the best hat and totally wasted it on another old lady dress. Granted, this is a slutty old lady, but still.

Passy made a very pretty simple dress for his Amp energy drink hat. Safe? Boring? Blah? Yase. But it’s better than a lot of the caca we’ve seen so far. I might just be thirsty.

Mondo’s work is so so so nasty toady. Poka dot pants pulled up to the ribcage? Calling those mom jeans cut would be offensive to moms. And jeans. And cuts. I assume he was kidding about this being menswear, but he dresses like a rebellious thirteen year old girl so there’s no telling what’s going through his mind.

April, Knit Michael, Christopher, Chunky Mike, Valerie, and Macy Gray are kept on the runway. I am worried for April. She’s the best at dissing Wretch. In the holding tank, the other designers diss the six on stage. Peach is shocked that no one liked April’s work. HA. Oh, Peach.

Christopher says his inspiration was warrior farmer. Treacy loves it, and says he hasn’t burned his hand since those things cardboard protector things were invented. Heidi and Kors love his last minute skirt, and Nina compliments the open back. Macy Gray? Not as lucky. Kors says the orchid is beautiful and sexy but the dress isn’t at all. Nina calls out the shitty styling too. Macy rolls her eyes. She is quiet, so Heidi makes her talk. She said that she did have an idea, and Nina says it’s too dark and Kors piles on some more too. She tried to stay quiet!

Christopher obviously thinks he’s on top, but Heidi calls his dress sad. Kors thinks it’s a mess and the coat looks like drapes. Nina says it’s stiff and too heavy. Treacy says simplicity can be beautiful, not that he ever uses it. Chunky Mike is in the top! HAHAH! Kors calls it harmonious and effortless. They tricked us with the Android of Doom! Nina loves the dress and the styling.

Kors likes April’s idea, but thinks it’s too literal and the model looks like she’s layered for a three day trip. HAHAH. He is grossed out by the butt zipper. Nina thinks the top is beautiful but the bottom is busted. Treacy calls it weak. Valerie’s dress is one of Heidi’s faves. ?? Kors loves the hem and calls it unexpected. Nina loves, Treacy says it’s beautiful but he doesn’t get where it’s coming from. He’s the only one who seems to care that she completely disregarded the challenge and made Dillard’s sportswear.

In the holding tank, Chunky Mike blabs on about how much the judges love him. Wretch is super supportive.

Wretch is shocked that Christopher’s was in the bottom. You just Tim Gunned Christopher with your shitty advice, Wretch! April starts crying. Aw. It might be because Hivy is gnawing on her arm, but I can’t tell. The judges repeat themselves a lot. They have nice things and bad things to say about everyone, and from listening to them it sounds like Christopher is going home. I hated his dress too, but April deserves the stiletto in her cornhole this week.

Treacy refuses to compliment Valerie’s sportswear dress. The judges argue, but he’s not having it. I think Knit’s gonna take this one. The designers are called back out. Valerie’s safe! Chunky Mike wins!! He sobs like someone just told him HoHo’s were discontinued.

Hivy gives that win a giant WTF and goes back to gnawing on April. Wretch says Mike’s “a replicator, not a visionary”. Sit on a traffic cone, you tacky bitch. Christopher’s in! And the loozah is…Macy Gray! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! She just made a comeback! How in God’s name did DIAPERS beat her mourning vagina? Wow. Passy tells April that they are always in the bottom and need to get their shit together. Good luck with that.

I’m sad. I don’t think Macy is all that great, but I’m gonna miss her alcoholism. I just feel so alone.

At home, the designers all talk about how terrible Chunky Mike is while he tells everyone within earshot how much the judges love him. You know his son is at home right now with his head in his palms. Next week, TEAM CHALLENGE and most importantly, fake man tears!

YAAAAYYYYY!