Project Runway: The Every Day Woman Is A Fattie

This week on Project Runway, the challenge is to design for a fashion icon that even makes Tim Gunn giggle like a little girl. And we’re auf!

This should be your profile pic on Nerve Personals, you stud.

A few of the boys sit around the living room trying to remember the eliminated bland blonde girl’s name. Sandra? Hillary? Wait…oh yeah. Simone. Also the title of the infamous 1993 flop starring Al Pacino and some other bland blonde chick who was only around for a week. The thing that makes bland blonde’s auf wiedersehen truly astounding to the boys is that it means Elisa, the wacko who creatively visualized her poor model into a skin tight stretch cage with a five foot long “poop” train coming out her bony ass, survived even one challenge.

Rami is the first to call it out, but since it’s only the second episode of the season, he’s as polite as possible. Instead of saying “that bitch gotta go“, he says that he liked bland blonde and thinks she knows more than Elisa about how to dress a woman. Cut to Elisa clipping one of those big clunky barrettes awkward girls in coffee shops wear when they wanna pass for deep to the side of her head. She tells us that she looks forward to taking what the judges had to say and “incorporating it into my own process of creation”. Hmm. I guess you can word it however you want to. Just don’t suck so much this time, hon.

One of the elements that makes this show so awesome is the double helping of broken dreams heaped onto our plates each week. The designers usually stick with their girls as the competition progresses, leaving the model’s game more about luck than skill; but in the first few weeks the uggos and the seniors are out. If I had to guess who was going home I’d say it’s between these two:

Yentl and Model Waddle

Heidi, in her bitch is back boots, brings out the black bag to choose picking order. Rami, who won first dibs last week, stays with his big faced corn fed farm girl next door, and most of the designers follow suit and pick their original models. Ricky breaks the trend and steals the beautiful Lisa from Elisa. Who can blame him? His model last week was Model Waddle. Treating the models like they are invisible is how I feel superior, so I won’t go too far into the cattle auction here, but I will say damn. There are a couple of girls who look like they’re auditioning for a Huggies commercial. What’s the age minimum on this show?

Please sir, can I have some more?

The bottom two are Model Waddle and what looks like a fifteen year old girl with a goofy under bite. When Waddle is told she’s too hideous and old to live, she looks at the panel of designers like they just might start laughing and shouting “punk’d! You’re totally the hottest!” When they don’t, she gets teary. Aw. Back to the nickel slots, hag.

This week’s challenge is to design for a pop culture and fashion icon, but our coy little der betrüger won’t say who. She leaves that for Tim to announce the next morning. The designers are atwitter. Who could it be? Past icons have ranged from Cher to Jackie O to Barbie, so all they can do is guess wildly.

Madonna? I’m so sure. Carmen guesses Britney. Group moan eye roll. “Come ooon! She neeeds it!” HA, Carmen. Rami and Sweet P hope for Snow White, and I can’t hear the rest of the guesses because those damned huge white sunglasses Jillian insists on poking into her kinky fro have my full attention. It looks like she’s wearing Howard Stern as a hat.

Who feels like tossing a midget?

The vacationed sun kissed world traveler look thankfully put to rest this episode, Tim Gunn shows up at the work space looking tight assed and dapper, as he should. Eyebrows frozen in that “you might not like what I have to say” way he has, he tells the designers to brace themselves for the guest. I’m crossing my fingers for Chita Rivera (what? She’s kind of a fashion icon. Ok, sorry, I just haven’t seen her in years. Is she still with us?), but the mystery judge is better than anyone this show’s come up with yet, and yes that includes you, Barbie. Sara Jessica Parker! HOLLA!!!

This being the gayest show in the world, the designers lose their shit when she walks in. It’s like Jenna Jameson walking into an Auto Body Shop. Sarcastic fabulous heroines are our giant boobies. Chris starts crying like that little homely girl who was in love with Sanjaya. His obsession with Carrie Bradshaw on Sex and the City inspired him to move to New York and design wearable parade floats for drag queens. SJP’s , um, loud clothing from that show flashes through my mind as I wonder how many drag designers have that exact same story.

In case you didn’t know, Jessica has her own fashion line called Bitten! Oooh aaaah of couurse who didn’t know? tear drippy. The challenge is to create a two piece outfit for it! Wooooaah wowww bow feet kiss. And it has to cost under forty dollars retail, which means they will only have a budget of fifteen dollars. Screeeech!! Now’s the time to cry, big boy. There there, let it all out.

Tell me you don’t see it.

WTF, SJP? Knowing just when to stop preening and start selling like a pro, she explains. Bitten’s goal is to provide high end fashion for a low (verrry low) price. Sounding even more practiced than she does in her Garnier ads, she tilts her head and brings the slogan home: “Fashion shouldn’t be a luxury, and quality shouldn’t be a privilege.” Awww! A touching show for Thanksgiving! Unfortunately, I wholeheartedly disagree with this slogan’s sentiments, but SJP is putting her money where her mouth is by wearing a grey yarn blanket off the couch in the greenroom with a simple black belt, so I’ll let it slide. This girl can wear anything.

I’ve got a Hello Kitty sleeping bag you’d look divine in.

The mood in the work room has darkened considerably. This group looks almost as upset to design for poor people as last years group did when they were forced to design for fat moms the every day woman. Chris says that he’s afraid he’ll have to use toilet paper and masking tape. I hope so! I still can’t get his portfolio’s tossed salad dress out of my head.

Step ball change, grapevine, dosey-do and toss that salad!

They will have thirty minutes to design their Fall/Winter look and the top seven sketches will move on to the next round and be completed in teams of two. No one looks too thrilled with the idea of working in a team, not when Elisa’s still around, but there’s no time to moan. Go!

Christian, who looks a lot less like Jerri Blank when he’s smiling so much, seems to know how to capture the poor but fashionable look pretty well. And I’m saying that because of his sketch, not his cheap looking…everything. Elisa looks like she’s designing the cold pilgrim cape she showed in her portfolio, and Ricky’s, well, Ricky’s busy telling the cameras how much he sucks and sobbing like a little bitch. Have some confidence. You’ve already proven today by wearing that Village People homage on top of your head that you’ve got the cheap part down. Now all you need is some fashion sense. You’re half way home! He sniffles and snivels “I can do this!”. Only week two and he’s cried and lied to himself like four times.

Good lord, woman. Get ahold of yourself.

SJP is easy breeze during the pitch sessions, but the designers not so much. The straight guy is so frazzled after Sarah J suggests his skirt is “really a button story” that he gets up and scrams without shaking her outstretched hand. Chris literally stops mid-sentance and stares at her glassy eyed with a big paralyzed smile on his face. Hilarious. Carmen tries to hide her nerves, but her pitch turns into her shouting her name over and over again. Carmen! Webber! Carmen like the Opera and Webber like the baller! Come on Carmen, keep the basketball references to a minimum. You’re talking fashion, here.

Denny Crain!

Steve, Kit Pistol, Chris, Victorya and Rami all sketched pretty much exactly what SJP is wearing at the moment, which is pretty lame. Especially in the cases of Victorya and Rami, because their designs are also variations of what they’ve already shown every single time so far. Victorya says “I was thinking a shirt dress!” You don’t say. Way to stretch. Rami, too, stays within his drape-y, barely sewn look and tells SJP that he envisions a short shirt dress with tights that can be worn when you’re dating, married, and pregnant. One size fits all. Sexy. If the Woman who buys his dress isn’t Forgotten yet, she will be.

Christian is confident, no nonsense, and as girly as possible as he pitches his skirt and pleated jacket, and Elisa is also confident and of course, crazy. She has a giant tent cape that can be tied into a hoodie, a ball gown, and a wet suit. She’s poly-morphic. Ahh, that’s what you call it. I think they make drugs for that. SJP smiles supportively and when Elisa pulls at her sketch, showing that it’s a pop up, Sara J doesn’t even look around for security. Sweetest ever. As a matter of fact, when it comes time to choose her faves, SJP baffles me by picking Elisa first!! I’m not the only one.

Inside voice.

SJ thinks the look is innovative. Go figure. Next, she chooses Kit Pistol’s sweater dress (as long as she promises to check out Garnier’s website and fix that straw hair) and Victorya’s tired and done shirt dress. Next, SJ goes for Marion’s pancho thing followed by Ricky’s flowy 70′s dress with a gigantor belt. See, Ricky? The look on his face when he finds out that SJP really likes him makes me wince.

Ouch. You look way cuter when you’re crying uncontrollably.

Christian gets her thumbs up for his tight skirt and pleated jacket, and last but not least, surprise surprise. Rami! SJ likes that he thought of all sizes in his clothes. By my tally, four out of the seven winning sketches are tents. It’s almost like SJ knows 57.14 percent of her audience are having more bagels in the city than sex. And god bless her for it.

Long live SJP!

Chris looks completely devastated, and Denny Crain visibly pouts. Sad headroll earring dangle. Marion seems to be the most upset, and he won. Cheer up, sad clown! SJP announces the winner of this challenge may have their design produced for her Fall Line and sold at Steve and Berry stores across the country. May? SJP is no dummy, and I’m sure she watches this show. Remember Angela’s lame short seeved suit with those gaudy rosettes pinned on from last season? Macy’s does, and they’re still pissed.

Sarah J preens and giggles out the line she’s been dying to say all day. “See you on the runway!” I’m smiling and loving it and then a beady eyed goblin pops up on my screen dressed like a cross between an extra in an Outback Steak House commercial and Big Gay Al.

Even the car thinks you need to rethink your fashion.

Why, Bravo? Why? After three minutes of visualizing running over Sebilia with a Saturn, I wipe the blood from my self-poked eyes and press play. Pause. The lambs are still screaming, goddammit!

Tim picks names from a bag to determine the order that the winners will choose their looza partners in. Marion picks Steven, because working all day in a museum might have made him sullen and introverted enough to be a compatible parter for a “calm journey”. He looks thrilled with his decision.

Poor Mr. Whipple!

Ricky chooses Jack so he can feel like the butch one in front of SJP, Victorya picks the straight guy, Kit Pistol takes Chris, and Rami picks Jillian, leaving Carmen and Sweet P in the bottom. Sad horns. Christian thinks about it (totally beautiful dick move) and finally chooses Carmen, who practically cheers at not having to work with Elisa. Elisa says in a creepy little girl voice that she wanted Sweet P from the beginning, and Sweet P has trouble concealing her unease. I’m sure it doesn’t help that Elisa is smiling like a spiritual jackal primed to gorge on her soul.

You smell good.

Sweet P tries to steer Elisa at Mood by helping her pick colors that are closer to the Bitten line and suggests that she finish some edges so she doesn’t look like a soul hungry psychopath who doesn’t know what she’s doing. Ooooh, I hope we get to see Mean P tonight.

The designers only have eight hours to complete both of their pieces, and most of them are off and running. Chris and Kit Pistol are a match made in Hag Heaven. So are Jillian and Rami, only their Hag Heaven is way snottier and more exclusive. Marion and Steven are the cutest couple I’ve come across in a long time. Marion whispers everything meekly and Steven answers in a stopped up, tripped out voice that just kills me.

Nize budd.

Sweet P and Elisa, however, are not hitting it off so well. P stays quiet while Elisa hand measures her and plans her latest stretch jail by placing fabric all over her, but she can’t keep quiet when Elisa licks her coochie and leaves a wet spot. WTF? Elisa shrugs and says it’s just spit. Sweet P, violated, asks why in the world Elisa would feel the need to stick her tongue out on her crotch. Why, to mark it and “imbibe it with energy and essense”, of course! If I had Season 3 Vincent’s phone number, I’d call him up right now and thank him for being such a rational thinker.

So, Ricky, how do you feel about getting to design an outfit that Sarah Jessica Parker will see? Sob sob wah wah squirt squirt. JC Superstar, this is just not right. No one’s that much of a little girl. I’ve seen a lot of people who cry uncontrollably for no reason, and they’ve all been going through the same thing.

Withdrawals.

Whatever this freak is addicted to, someone please get him some. I’m gay as day and this fool’s making me wanna find some drunk frat boys to go queer baiting with. This is not good for our kind. A much better example for the mos, Monsieur Tim Gunn, arrives just in time to calm me down. Phew. Back in the closet you go, baseball bat.

Tim checks on the palest couple in the world first. Marion stares sadly into space as he shows Tim the multiple pieces for his intricate skirt, and Tim joins Steven in worrying about the time. Their look is shaping up to be brown and sweater dress-y, which SJP could love if they pull it off. I would say cheer up, Marion, but I know the kid’s just not built that way.

Tim wholeheartedly approves of Victorya and the straight guy’s black shirt dress with a plaid vest, but I say BORE SNORE AND SEVEN YEARS AGO. Next stop is at Elisa and Sweat P’s table.

Tim tells Elisa that her idea of hand rolling and cast stitching every edge of her dress is coo coo. HAHAAAAA. Sweet P laughs too, glad to have someone on her side. Elisa is starting to get ruffled because no one appreciates her “methods” and tells us that she’s so confident in what she’s doing that she’s going to take every bit of advice she gets and abandon her vision. Umkay. Sweet P takes over and starts with the simple things, like showing Elisa how to use a pencil instead of spit. Just as she sits down at the sewing machine, thinking she has everything under control, Sweet P sees Elisa “working”.

Tzeitel, oh Tzeitel, have I got a match for you!

The next morning as they get dressed for the day, Kit Pistol politely asks the others how crazy Elisa can make it past today without knowing how to use a sewing machine. Hey, I’ve got a question for you, Kit Pistol. Who died and made you Ellie May Clampett?

Back at the work room, the designers are given an hour to fit and prep their models, and almost everyone has achieved their goals in the paltry eight hours. Even Sweet P is confident that she’s hidden enough of Elisa’s handmade flaws to have a chance at winning. Elisa says their collaboration has “produced a marriage of what I’ve been seeking out.” Oooh, did you creatively visualize this moment? Watch out, Dalai Lama.

Marion and Steven, though, hit a bump in their relationship. Their dress looks like Stevie Knicks instantly lost thirty pounds and didn’t bother buying skinny clothes. Come on, Marion! Pancho aside, I like you! Pull through!

Christian and Carmen are finished way early, both confident that they have the best outfit. Christian says that he will probably make it to the final two again. “Nope, sorry, we’re gonna go with someone boring.” HA. I’m falling in friend love. Time’s up! Heidi greets the designers on the runway, and I wonder how bad her kids are gonna get yelled at for bedazzling mommy’s work clothes.

“Henry Günther Ademola Dashtu Samuel, get your schnitzel down here right now!”

Kit’s short sweater dress is way more boring than her sketch. I had a sixty year old landlord with 18 cats that wore almost the exact same thing every day. I know that’s a random reference, but it’s true. And disturbing. Dear Ellie Mae, let the beret renaissance go already. Heart, Flipit.

Elisa’s work is up next. It doesn’t have a poop train and if she wins this thing, her ensemble is really gonna take the slutty art teacher demographic by storm. The cape comes off and the dress underneath is surprisingly really pretty and competent. Who knew?

Rami tries to show that he was going for pregnant socialite Karate student instead of Japanese Restaurant waitress by adding a humongous snake skin diaper bag as an accessory. He and Kit produced extremely similar looks, down to the same color and same leggings. I can’t help but wonder what they would have produced had Sarah Jessica worn buttless chaps to their initial meeting. Ditto much?

Marion and Steven did a bit of tailoring and the result was less post Nutrisystem Stevie Knicks and more Pocahontas starring in Casino Morongo’s production of Flashdance. I hate to say it, but it’s kinda hideous.

Victorya’s formless wonder is (I know, I’m a hypocrite) actually one of my favorites. I think Nina Garcia likes it too, because she gives it her contemplative disgusted look, which is different from just plain disgusted. Seriously, the woman is in the fashion industry and no one’s told her about Botox? Come on, Kors, you have a duty.

Christian’s jacket is well made and pretty cool, but when his model takes it off, I have to pause the TV and relish this moment. Christian has made a model look like a fat piggy. It’s like Christmas on Thanksgiving. Last and pretty much least, Ricky’s flowy dress is done and booooring, but I like the chola hair he put on his model.

Heidi calls out Ricky, Jack, Kit Pistol and Chris in the middle and excuses them from the runway. Sarah Jessica loves Victorya’s dress, saying it’s simple but still interesting. Marion isn’t so lucky. Nina makes them take the belt off the model and calls out the bad proportioning. Kors says the look is Pocahontas (thank you very much), but SJP is kinder. She thought the sketch was really sophisticated, but the final result didn’t quite reflect it.

Heidi is plain evil. She doesn’t get it. “At all. It looks like out of da basement, it looks dirty, it looks like a rag to me.” Alrighty then, sauerkraut. Speak your mind. Marion looks like he is going to have a nervous breakdown, but then again, that’s how he always looks so it’s hard to tell how he takes this critique. I have to add that he is wearing a jacket I just saw on the rack at Forever 21. I hope they don’t take points off for that. I like him.

SJP loves Elisa’s dress. She asks how the partnership went down, and Sweet P says Elisa’s a freak who speaks a different language. Elisa defends herself by saying poly-morphic again and then talks about spit marking her clothes. Heidi tells her she shouldn’t tell people that because most women would feel uncomfortable knowing their dress was spit on. Then she asks her what planet she’s from, to which Elisa responds “the planet I am from is trained to respond to materials and doesn’t necessarily know the language but knows how to make it work on the body and so I’m coming to your planet, but with gifts.” Wow. Elisa is the first recap victim I have ever encountered that only needs an exact transcription for maximum entertainment. I am happy as pie that she’ll be around for another week.

The look on Christian’s face as he realizes he was not kept on the runway to accept a job at Bitten is sad and hilarious. Kors and Nina think the jacket is too snug to be widely accessible and the whole look is too eighties. Huh? How many goddamn pair of leggings just walked the runway? I call bullshit. So does Christian. He snaps at the Judges and says he’d like to hear SJP diss his fantasticness, since his end product is just like the sketch. She understandably looks scared as she says the outfit is more severe in person and she’d like it if the color was different and it wasn’t so tight. Christian looks like he’s about to short circuit.

Heidi asks Carmen who should go home from her team and she starts sobbing. “You’re making me choose?!?” No, God Complex, it’s a hypothetical. Christian gives her permission to say he should go since it was his design and she squeezes out some salt as she chokes “him.” Goodness gracious, drama mama. Her earrings still dangle violently, but in a very tragic, overstated way.

Marion is more (shocker) stoic about the choice, saying he should go home. Steven says it’s both their fault, but he doesn’t want to go. They are all excused for the Judges Private Time. The initial critiques are regurgitated, but Heidi adds “homeless” to her dirty from da basement rant on the Pocahontas number, and Kors adds that it looked like a melting Cousin It. HA.

Nina says flat out that she hated Christian’s dress as much as she hates the “disco eighties”. Kors says if you added some big button earrings to the ensemble you’d be on The Facts of Life. LOL, Michael Kors. Never change. Heidi hinted that tonight would be a double elimination, but she was just being geziert. Jessica chooses Victorya’s dress as the winner, and actually commits to selling it. Vic did a good job, but I was really rooting for crazy face to win this one. Ah, well, there’s always the next time she knocks it out of the park (never). Sad horns.

Steven and Carmen are excused from the Runway, leaving Marion and Christian. Christian’s dress was only for skinny girls stuck in the 80′s, but Marion’s dress “left us feeling sad,” so he’s out. Aw!! Poor guy! He whispers his entire goodbye speech and I have no idea what he says, but he looks happy. Or upset. Or really pissed. Kors gives a little wave, sad to see the only other person whose face never changes leave so soon. I feel sorry for the next person who orders flowers from this poor kid.

Happy Anniversary. I’m leaving you.

Next week, the most difficult PR challenge EVAH. And finally, people start getting bitchy. YAY! What do you guys think? Was crazy face robbed? Will Victorya ever construct something other than a shirt dress? Will Ricky find new ways to embarrass both Mexico and homos? Find out next week!