There comes a time in every reality show where your favorite contestant stumbles. But all of the contestants? In one episode? Oh, Project Runway. This one hurt. Ah well, at least there was beefcake.
The morning starts with laughs and giggles and the news that Jack has been HIV positive for 17 years. I feel really bad for him, and I also feel really bad for the straight guy, who has the misfortune of standing next to Jack in front of the mirror first thing in the morning. Jack’s body is more defined than a cartoon’s, so that even guys as hard and rocky as the straight guy must feel like Fatty Arbukles.
Jack looks great and he’s still alive after carrying the deadly disease for almost two decades, which might make you assume at first that HIV really isn’t that severe these days, what with all the advances in medicine. Cut to Jack unloading a case of pharmaceuticals and taking in air from an inhaler. Noted.
Being HIV positive still really really sucks.
Chris and Rami share a moment of silence for poor Marion while Christian washes out his plastic combat boots in the kitchen sink. Chris lightens the mood by saying they should have sent Christian home cuz nobody would have cried. Then he scream laughs and literally slaps his knees. Christian, his feelings kinda hurt, comes in and says they would be sooo bored without him…?
Aw, Christian! He’s been taken down a wee bit after witnessing Nina Garcia’s dismissive, disgusted laughing horse face first hand last week, and he’s a bit shell shocked by his near elimination. “I just know I make better clothes that most of the other designers…?” They got Baby in a corner, and we all know how that turned out. She ended up telling her dad to go fuck himself so she could dirty dance for all the country club to see. Enjoy the humble Christian, cuz I’m guessing he’ll be grinding up against Patrick Swayze by the end of the hour.
We don’t see much of the girls in the morning, and I think it might have something to do with the chalkboard on their wall that says PMA, Positive Mental Attitude. My instincts tell me to be bored with these chicks, but I know a girl who writes little positive notes to herself and leaves them all around her apartment to “inspire” her, and that bitch is batshit crazy. Elisa’s already proven fruitful, and I have high hopes for the other girls of Season 3.
Please Make Asses of yourselves. You’re boring me.
Heidi greets the designers on the runway looking like she’s late for a ball. Just once I’d like to see her in dirty baggy sweats with a pint of Haagen Daz. Is that so much to ask? She tells them that they will have to go to Rockefeller Plaza and meet Tim to get their assignment and that it will be a “first in Project Runway history.” My bet is it has something to do with a straight guy. What else hasn’t this show conquered?
When they arrive at Rock Plaza, Tim is waiting for them on the Today Show set with none other than…some handsome black man. The designers, being women and gay men, are as confused as I am. Thank god for straight guy (never thought you’d hear me say that, eh?), who explains that this short drink of water is Tiki Barber, one of the greatest running backs the Giants has ever seen! I didn’t know short dudes were allowed to play professional basketball. Told ya it would be something butch!
Ricky has no idea who Tiki is either, but he wants to bone him right off the bat, and the only thing Steven knows about football (my bad) is that it’s the only thing on television that encourages spandex. Christian has a look of utter terror on his face, either afraid of strong black men or football. Or both. God I love this show.
He’s so skerd his hair stands straight up.
Tiki is also a correspondent for the Today Show, and the poor little fella is all misproportioned. His neck is thick as a tree trunk, his waist is tiny, and his butt is like an exercise ball. Since the wardrobe team at the Today Show spends the majority of their time trying to figure out what size Al Roker’s gonna be when he shows up for work, poor Tiki is ignored in the suit department. The challenge is to design him an outfit to wear on camera, and he’s very specific about what he wants. He likes dark colors, bright colors, patterns, texture, solids…slow down, Tiki. They’re already shitting on the floor. Straight guy asks if he likes “details”, which scares me. Tiki does! And to prove it, he opens his suit jacket to show off his pink and yellow lesbian key chain.
Wow. Keep that thing covered, dude. You’re supposed to be the hetero, here.
The mood in the work room starts out light and fun, with Jack carrying Christian around in a purse like a rich girl’s yappy chihuahua, but there’s no way this won’t get ugly. Jack asks Tim if the men can use their own clothes as reference, to which Tim furrows his brow and replies “Of course!” Point of reference, huh. I’ll bet Tim means the men should take apart their outfits and make patterns out of them.
The gays are understandably confused, and spend the first five to ten minutes of their sketch time staring at blank pads, like the fairy godmother of the NFL is gonna show up in a pumpkin and inject them with some testosterone laden ideas. Straight guy, on the other hand, is sketching away on his suit. Just in case we aren’t buying his manliness yet, he wears a hat only a misguided straight guy could.
Alright, alright! We GET it!
At mood, Rami looks for the perfect material for a tailored blazor. It looks like he’s going for pink, a color Tiki specified he wasn’t afraid of. How inventive. Kit Pistol has designed for TV, so she knows what works and doesn’t work on camera. She picks almost the exact same print that Tiki was wearing on his shirt earlier, proving that she also knows if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. I hope this isn’t going to be another week of these designers copying the exact same outfit the guest judge is wearing. Cough sweater dress cough. Chris toys with the idea of making Tiki some hot pants, which makes me love him even more.
We haven’t heard a peep from our favorite crazy face yet today, but when Tim calls time, she smiles like a jackal and giggles at the silly voices in her head. Dear God, please let Elisa know how to make menswear so she can stay another week. Love, Flipit.
Your inner child sounds hilarious. I wish I could hear her, too.
Even though only straight guy seems to know how to make a suit, the majority of the designers decide to give it a go. Jack takes off his shorts and pulls them apart to trace for his pattern. Woah. Point of reference or xerox copy? Carmen (who’s the biggest pouter EVER) won’t stop coming up to him and asking him questions, so he finally just hands the shorts to her to trace as well. Victorya decides to get in on that action too and traces away. Rami calls bullshit, but only in private time to the cameras. In the workroom, he just throws around pissy faces and pouts. WUSS!
Sweet P, though, has some balls. She tells Jack in the nicest way possible that it’s probably not fair tracing a pattern, but he just waves her off, saying he’s sharing it so whatevs. He tells the cameras that people are gonna be jealous of his talent for tracing things, but that’s their problem. Picasso took shit too for painting by numbers, and he’s like totally famous now. Nads over at Newsgasm just sent me naked pics of Jack, so even while I think he is totally and absolutely a big fat cheater pants, my biology refuses to let me hold him accountable.
Click the pic for pee pee shots. NSFW!!
By the end of the night, almost everyone is scared out of their minds because no one is even near finished. Steven says it’s midnight and he’s standing around in a pimp’s hat, just like at home. HAHA, Steven. It’s kinda cute that he thinks the old widow gardening hat is pimp.
If it’s not too much trouble, I would appreciate it if you handed over the money you earned while renting out your lovely body, pretty please.
The next morning, the stress is showing more and more. Ricky is flipping off his material and cursing at it in Spanish and as Rami tries on his pair of pants and gets whistles from the other designers, he snaps “see? And they’re not even traced from a pattern!” Just a little passive aggression can make a pretty man ugly in a heart beat.
The male models arrive, and I think Chris’ stunned face pretty much sums up the reaction of the room.
Get the biggest stretcher you can find and send it in.
Rami tries to act all butch about the boys (I’m so sure) and the girls all do their best to keep their cool, but Ricky turns into an absolute c word. Some ugly guys really resent pretty guys, and it’s hilarious to see an angry uggo in action. He snivels “TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES” and curses to himself in Spanish. When the model tries to make small talk, Ricky tells him to shut it. He don’t have time to talk. Daaamn. Calm down, Maria. It’s not the model’s fault you’re gap toothed and cross eyed.
Elisa is another one who can’t bear the sight of her gorgeous male model. As spiritual Indian music plays (love you, editors), she tells her beefcake that she will not let him undress in front of her because she’s only ever fitted her boyfriend intimately and she doesn’t want to disrespect him. For crying out loud, crazy face. How do you intimately fit your boyfriend? Never mind. I don’t wanna know. I have a feeling it has something to do with spit marking and swallow tapering. No thanks.
Male model, consider yourself lucky.
To tighten the screws, Tim brings in Tiki’s wife, Lucy Liu, to give them some advice. I have to note that as she enters, a gong clashes and mystical kung fu music plays. Editors, you’re killin’ me today. Christian takes one look at Liu and snaps his fingers. “I love Asians. Asians are fierce!” LOL, Christian. I said that the first time I got my laundry back from Sunny Ting Cleaners. Lucy, thankfully, is there to give them advice about men’s fashion. I don’t know if she’s qualified to discuss women’s wear, as she’s sporting a pattern that makes her look like a brick house in clown shoes. Yikes, Liu.
You better find a Stairmaster. Cashmere Mafia‘s right around the corner.
Jack’s lightly pinstriped slacks, dress shirt and vest don’t seem to impress Lucy too much at first, but then he shows her his nude portfolio and she says that he looks like Gaston from Beauty and the Beast and she’s always wanted to see Gaston naked. Good work, Jack!
Ricky’s turn, and Lucy doesn’t even bother to hide her disdain. I can’t tell if it’s because he’s wearing jeans rolled up past his knees, a leopard print scrunchie on his wrist and a trucker hat or because his form is draped like John Travolta’s character in Hairspray.
Tiki don’t do moomoos.
Straight guy is all big toothy smiles and sunshine (It’s great! It’s gonna look great! Things are going great!), as he describes his outfit, but he’s pitching an un-built condo on an undeveloped plot of land. Tim and Lucy like the idea of his (unfinished) slacks, (unfinished) purple shirt, (unfinished) tie, and (unfinished) jacket (pattern). I only say unfinished that many times because of the severity of his positivity. It’s making me more negative. He looks further behind than almost everyone else (maybe 2nd to Ricky), but it will be cool if he ever completes the jacket because it will have a double vent in the back to accommodate Tiki’s healthy butt. but it looks like he’s only sewn his pants.
Pouty Carmen’s turn. Lucy takes one look at her steaming pile and shakes her head. Who wears a member’s only jacket on the Today Show? Tim suggests she just set the whole thing on fire but there isn’t enough material to start all over again. Carmen understandably freaks out and looks around for someone’s jacket pattern to trace.
As the end of the day approaches, it’s looking pretty scary around the work room. No one is near finished, Carmen and Ricky are bitching at each other loudly about having the right to be bitches, and straight guy’s shirt looks like a jacket one of those girls wears at hairdressing college when poor women go in for a free haircut. This show always makes the situation look as dire as possible before revealing that everyone pulled it together at the last minute, but this time they might really not make it work.
If this is a sign of things to come, everyone’s hair is gonna turn green.
The next morning, the designers are given four hours to finish before the runway show and SURPRISE!! We get to meet Elisa’s boyfriend!
Oh, get a room, you two.
Sure enough, when time is called on the last day, there is more unfinished than not. Carmen has draped fabric around her model like a shawl because she didn’t have time to make a shirt, Sweet P’s shirt looks like a misshapen mess, and Ricky has his model sewing on buttons. As Christian says, “this is going to be a hard challenge to judge because there is so much that is jacked up.” This is gonna be a bloody car wreck.
You know the Judges are prepared to rip everyone a new one when Heidi shows up on the runway bitchily schooling Tiki’s wife on how to wear killer patterns. They are not fucking around today.
You got served, Liu.
Jillian’s look is out first, and it’s pretty tight and good lookin’. No surprise there, because she was hardly shown at all today. Carmen’s up next, and it’s a disaster. Not only does she not have a shirt, but the pants don’t fit, the jacket is flimsy and poorly made, and she’s topped it all off with a Mr. Furley goes golfing hat. Kors looks like he’s gonna throw up right then and there. I can’t imagine anyone other than a performance ice skater wearing Christian’s shirt, and his jacket looks kind of hobo-y, but his pants are pretty sweet.
The best thing I can say about Kit Pistol’s work is that it’s finished. The worst is zzzzzzzzz. Khaki’s, a navy blazer and the same shirt Tiki wore when you met him? Really? If the end prize was an internship at the GAP, you’d have this thing in the bag, Pistol.
For all of Rami’s pissiness about making his pants all by himself, they sure are ill fitting. And his jacket looks like the windbreaker my Papaw used to wear to work at the gas station. Sweet P didn’t find a way to make her unfinished shirt not look like shite, and I feel for her. Her pants look the best of everyone’s so far, though, so it might just save her ass.
Steven went all 1930′s musical on a cruise ship with his (extremely) high waisted slacks, tight tucked in sweater, and huge collar. I don’t know if the world is ready for men’s slacks that reach the nips, but I like Steven, I like the 30′s, and I like Anything Goes. Plus, his work is finished and well made. Atta boy.
Victorya’s slacks and sweater look well done, but her jacket is pretty hideous. I would call it International Male, but even they know how to draw a line somewhere. I’m just proud of her for not making a formless one piece with a belt from Bluefly. Straight guy didn’t have time to make his blazer, and the resulting look is pretty boring. A pink shirt, a run of the mill suit vest with a safety pin button, and a decent pair of slacks. Ouch. I have a feeling this is the last time we will ever see a Menswear challenge on Project Runway. I say that with my fingers crossed.
Chris figured that since he was designing for someone who was into sports he would add humongous shoulder pads. Yikes. In his defense, Tiki did ask for something to minimize his giant ass. Jack’s look is sloppy and baggy. His stripes are fighting, and the pattern he traced isn’t doing his model any favors. The slacks are high waisted, but I don’t think he did it on purpose. Thank God his model had the foresight to stuff a sock down the front of his pants. At least he’ll get Kors’ vote.
I have to admit that I was hoping Ricky’s model would walk down the runway in his underwear so we would get to see Ricky cry and scream and pound on the floor, but today’s just not my day. Sure, his blazer looks horrid and clunky, but his work at least looks kinda finished, if you call safety pins shining in the lights finished. Damn you for tricking me, editors! I thought his head was gonna explode! Elisa’s pants look great, and her pajama top looks comfy, but her vest makes her model look like he visited a child’s cowboy themed birthday party before the show and ripped off the guest of honor. Giddyup, cowpoke. It’s hard not to be astounded when Elisa sends something down the runway that isn’t insane, so every time she does it I will cheer. Go, crazy face!
Jillian, Christian, Rami, Steven, Victorya, Chris and Elisa are called out in the middle, making them safe. Aw. I thought Jillian had a chance to take this one. Tiki likes Kit’s shirt (shocker, since you just wore it) and her overall look. Kors thinks her navy fleece jacket is nice, but if it had been made in any other material he would have fallen asleep. You’re being waaaay to nice, guys.
Tiki thinks that Sweet P’s look is stylish and conservative, but it’s a screaming mess. Heidi is mortified that she let her model walk down the runway with that insanely bad shirt, and Kors says that her tie is well sewed and would look great on a seven foot tall guy, but unfortunately Tiki is only 5’9″. Huh? He looks like he’s four feet tall, but whatevs.
Jack gets props for his work, which confuses me. The judges love the simple classic look, and Tiki likes the texture. I think he has texture and patterns confused, because he keeps saying texture whenever a loud pattern is involved. I guess that’s why he has Lucy do his shopping for him. Nina is the only one to scoff at this outfit, because as it may look good, there are only two easy ass pieces to it. Heidi says that it’s better to look finished and Tiki agrees, saying he can’t go on air looking like an idiot. The Today Show already has one Willard Scott.
Nina, looking at Ricky like he has boogars hanging out of his nose, asks him what’s up with safety pins holding everything together. He says that he’s never done menswear, or anything that wasn’t in a baby doll pattern, and he decided to go “full force”. Riiiight. Nina refuses to let him off the hook and asks if he was going full force, why did he bore her with his colors? He looks like he’s gonna cry. I’m rooting for it, and when Tiki says he would look like a fool if he walked on set with that heap of caca on, I’m sure I’m gonna get my Christmas wish. No luck.
Straight guy is called out for pinning his vest together, but Tiki likes it. How is this not totally bore snore except for the purple shirt? Heidi says that she would not like her husband walking around like that. Puhleeze. I’ve seen Seal dressed in skin tight bright white with an eight foot scarf wrapped around his neck. Don’t give me that “that’s too gay for my man” bs, woman. She suggests it might be for someone like David Bekham. Snap, Heidi! Tiki says that if straight guy got rid of the purple shirt, he’d wear it. UGH. IT’S AN EVERY DAY SLACK/VEST COMBO. And I am getting way too angry over this dumb outfit. BRB.
She’s making a fuck you face and a fuck you finger. You gotta love Nina.
Did you guys know that you can get a Little Caesars pizza for just five dollars carry out?Unfortunately, they don’t make cheesy bread until after four. Lame. The judges don’t have much to say about Carmen’s work. She didn’t even start on a shirt, her “crotch is insane!”, and Tiki says the jacket will make his butt look big. LOL, Tiki. Sorry, but your butt makes your butt look big. Carmen says for the hundredth time today that this doesn’t represent her as a designer, but yeah, hon. Today it does.
The Judges don’t really have anything to add in private time except blech ilch yuck hack gross why god, so they call the designers back to the runway to give them the news. Jack won the least hideous prize, and Kit Pistol and the straight guy are in, leaving Carmen, Sweet P, and Ricky on the runway. Carmen should probably go for having the least done, but I’m rooting for hack ass Ricky to get the stiletto up his bum. Nope! He had the foresight to use safety pins, so Carmen’s out. Ricky cries like a little bitch anyway.
I knew you were doomed when you wore a tutu over jeans.
Carmen is glad to go with her integrity intact. Uh, you totally traced a pattern and still had shitty pants. What integrity are you referring to? Ah well, I can’t really dwell on Carmen’s bs when this episode was full of it. I don’t think I’ve ever seen an hour of Project Runway where so many people failed so miserably, and I thought that would be more fun to watch than it actually was. Let’s hope next week this show gets it’s head out of it’s ass and puts the designers to some normal challenges, like dressing dogs or making ball gowns out of potting soil. Til next time!
OMG I am so embarrassed! I almost forgot the best part! Enjoy!
I can’t believe I just ate a pizza.