Project Runway: There Are Some Kinds Of Tacky That Just Won’t DIE!

I have been reading on these here internets that some of you are disappointed so far with this season of Project Runway, and I guess I can kinda see your points. No, there really aren’t any standout stars so far, yes, many of these people seem like they were chosen because they’re freaks of nature instead of above average designers, and yes, the fact that not one of these contestants could pull together a decent ensemble for the first menswear challenge ever is just WEAK, but come on guys. It’s Project Runway. Where else are you going to get an episode that opens with a creepily psycho insecure queen nakedly stalking the most likely to succeed from behind a shower curtain?

I’ll get you, my pretty!

Speaking of insecure, Kit Pistol tries to convince Sweet P that she still deserves to be in the running. Sure, she didn’t come close to finishing the last challenge, but her intentions were good. Carmen’s intentions were just…well, ugly. Sweet P, the woman who invented the six foot long tie, tries to buy this load a horse pucky and decides to concentrate on the positive. “Better her than me.” Agreed.

I like Sweet P so I feel nervous for her, but I feel really bad for Kit Pistol, who hasn’t realized that there are tiny little cameras in each or the four corners of the ceiling. She’s going to be mortified that she’s been filming a mini-series this whole time didn’t even realize it.

Roots

Always ready first, Chris and Rami bs in the living room and decide that Project Runway should have a fragrance. Rami says it will be made of tears, sweat, and before I can say testosterone, Chris chimes in with “Chinese food”. Eh. I liked mine better. The straight guy stays as far away from all of this as he can and shows off his new tattoo.

Dramatic music pumps through the studio as Heidi comes out and mischievously leads the designers through the model firing. YAY! I’m rooting for Yentl to win this thing, otherwise I don’t care.

Go Yentl!

Since God decided to hand Jack a miracle win last week in the Challenge That Shall Never Be Spoken Of Again, he gets to decide if he wants to keep his model or swap, and he decides to swap. I would say that he didn’t mean it to be bitchy, but he sucked in his cheeks and turned up his chin and really intensified his lisp when he answered, so I think that he probably did. He apologizes to Ricky and then steals his model. The girl kind of resembles Eliza Dushku back in the Buffy days, so I don’t really blame him. Ricky doesn’t either. He’s totally mature and gracious and congratulates Jack on having such a good eye. Just kidding! He’s hellapissed.

Heidi tells the designers that Tim is waiting upstairs with a woman and some old friends of hers. Sweet P says she immediately thought this was gonna be a senior citizen challenge. LOL, Sweet P. Glad you’re still around. Unfortunately, she was off about ten years. It’s Nina! And she’s smiling! Am I the only one with terror running through my veins?

Her old friends are pics from Elle Photo Shoots Past, and the challenge is to pick a style and make it work for today’s woman. And to buy Nina’s new book, The Little Black Book of Style, which is struggling to get off the dollar rack at Barnes and Noble. Sweet P is chosen last again, and she’s starting to think that she’s cursed. Aw! Don’t think like that. The world isn’t against you, hon. Wait. You got the sweater dress? The universe hates your ass. Sad horns.

Jack chooses first, and he goes with pleather, or as he calls it, “Britney Spears On Crack”. Christian picks the Zoot Suit, and finding a look she knows well is crazy face Elisa, who chooses the skin tight spandex one piece with cutouts. It truly is amazing that even on a challenge where they’re given completely crazy outdated looks, some of these designers are finding ways to do the same old thing. By the way, just wanted to point out that Chris is looking all hair gel-ed and solid printed today. Who does he have a crush on?

Don’t sleep on your stomach, straight guy.

Jillian, feeling like an idiot for wearing her overalls on a day Nina Garcia’s there explicitly denying their value in the modern world of fashion, defensively chooses, you guessed it, overalls. Nina asks “why?”, but instead of the disgusted horse face, she chuckles good-naturedly. Little Black Book. Harper Collins. In stores now.

Once the designers have chosen their looks, Nina drops the bomb. This will be a team challenge! YAY! Just a few nights ago I got to see Wisteria Lane demolished on Desperate Housewives and now I get a team challenge? Merry Christmas to me! It’s a buffet of suffering! Each team will produce a mini line with three cohesive looks, and the designers have to choose their own teammates. Kit Pistol immediately gravitates toward Christian and Jack because they’re the gayest and most likely able to succeed in a tacky eighties challenge. Smart move! Chris, Sweet P and Steven team up, and straight guy, who’s chosen the seventies look because of his admiration for John Travolta (also cough straight cough), goes to Rami and Jillian because they’ve sucked the least so far. The Dream Team is Elisa, Ricky, and Victorya. Ouch. This is gonna be awesome. Watch out! A storm’s a comin’! Let Mrs. McClutsky bite it and save yourself, Victorya!

Tim tells them they have two hundred and fifty bucks and two days to complete their collections. Then he thanks Nina for so graciously showing up for this challenge. No, thank you (Little Black Book of Style) Tim! Good natured chuckle big smile eye glisten. Yuck.

Who’s this bitch? I want my evil horse face back!

Not really sure how they will work together but well aware that they are all surrounded by nutjobs, the designers are a bit nervous at the start of this one. Chris reluctantly agrees to be the team leader for his trio. Jillian does for hers, too, and no one argues against Christian taking charge. He thinks his team is “fierce!” so he names them Team Star. You know, cuz Star is fierce. Star is also the chick who sass talked Barbara Walters, acted like a diva, and still just can’t understand why no one seems to like her.

You’re one Rosie O’Donnell diss away from landing on Court TV, Christian.

The problem, of course, comes with the Dream Team. Victorya acts like it’s a democracy and asks her team who they want as the leader. She and Ricky both shoot their hands in the air and scream “NOT ELISA!” Good to see y’all start off in agreement land. Also good to see there’s no chance in hell you’re staying there for long. Ricky tells us that he decided to take charge because Victorya seems bossy. Then Victorya bosses everyone around. HA. What would you do if you were on a team with both Ricky and Elisa? I’m on Victorya’s side so far.

Chris knows that he is pigeonholed as the guy who dresses fat men as salads and Chiquita Banana, but as team leader he finally gets the chance to show that he’s so not as over the top as everyone thinks he is. Cut to the jacket he’s making with humongous over the top shoulder pads. Oy.

Over on the other side of the room, Ricky is patting himself on the back for being able to lead Elisa. You see, he found success in the modern dance world, so he understands the language of the flakes. “Find your center”, “love what you’re doing”, and “relax and just bite on the pillow when it really hurts” are all phrases he’s familiar with, he explains as he sits around smiling and hugging himself. Thank you, Mother Earth. Now you might want to get to work. Ass.

Can I get a new Indian Spirit Guide? This one scares the crap out of me.

Straight guy is also finding it hard to get to work. You can tell he really has no idea what he’s doing when he can’t even muster up his usual “everything’s awesome! It’s great! Everything’s great!” With only an hour left of the day, he hasn’t even gotten half way through draping his form, and Jillian is pooping her pants because she knows as team leader it’s her ass on the line. Pull it together, straight guy!

On day two, the stress is starting to intensify, so Steven pulls out what appears to be an attempt at a Tim Gunn impression. It kinda gives me the creeps. Steven’s a sweet heart and I like him, but I wish someone would put a sock in his mouth. He’s done the unthinkable. He’s made me miss Santino. Ew. I’m gonna go wash up. BRB.

Where’s Andre?

You guys, never rent that movie with Lindsay Lohan called I Know Who Killed Me. It’s horrible and disgusting and not a good thing to watch while you’re eating a pizza. And french fries. And a Milky Way. Anyhoo, I’m back. Ricky’s team was assigned neon, cutouts, and underwear over outerwear, and none of their designs are looking too cute. Victorya tells us that she doesn’t like being a bossy cow. Well, I don’t like being a fat unibrowed Leb, but you can’t re-cook a turkey.

She makes her way over to Ricky’s station and tells him in the nicest way possible that his dress looks like lingerie. DUH. What did you think it would look like? Why isn’t he in charge of underwear over outerwear? Ricky hugs her and thanks her for her input. Kidding! He gets shifty eyed and shaky and tells the cameras she needs to stay “on task” and show him some respect, dammit!

When Tim sends the models in for an early fitting, Victorya’s work is, as she herself admits, crap. She decides to change her whole design without asking Ricky, which is ok by him. He’s just glad she’s talented enough to realize she’s on the wrong path and strong enough to pop out another design with just one day to go. Nope. He smacks his gum and shakes his head and tells the cameras he can’t believe she has the nerve to just ignore his feelings. In front of her, though, he just meekly says he doesn’t like the criss crosses on her neck. Wuss. She ignores him. I know she’s being kind of a biatch, but wouldn’t you ignore him?

Straight guy’s also having some trouble. He thought Jillian was roughly the same size as his model but it turns out that Jillian’s skinnier. I start hating Jillian before I realize that she pulled off my favorite trick ever. She’s made a model look fat. Go, Jillian! Straight guy is freaking out about the outfit not fitting the model and says “I did exactly what I was told to do and I’m not recutting it.” Oh wah, butch. Even Ricky’s acting manlier than you today.

Maybe more gel will help you think clearly.

Tim comes back to see how everyone’s doing. Jillian’s team still has a way to go, but he likes the direction they’re heading in. Chris’ team isn’t so lucky. They have three beige outfits, but the only thing that makes them cohesive is the grody color. Christian’s team is probably the best off, and the Dream Team is the worst. Shocker!

Tim says he doesn’t think their work looks very professional or finished, and Victorya takes responsibility, saying that she basically forced her teammates to listen to her and…Ricky tries to say something but she she snaps and him to shut it. Tim notes that Ricky’s supposed to be the team leader, and he doesn’t even laugh when he says it. That Tim Gunn is a consummate professional. Ricky ends up never saying anything out loud. He waits for private time with the cameras.

Please tell me you’re kidding.

Victorya’s not listening to him! He’s the boss and she’s not respecting him! Wah wah bitch moan. Jesus, that’s what you’re worried about? Your whole line looks like crap. Sew, bitch! Not before he has a moment to talk with Victorya. He calmly tells her that he doesn’t appreciate that she changed her design without coming to him first and she basically tells him that she did what she had to and he shouldn’t have volunteered to be the team leader if he didn’t have any leadership qualities. Burn. And agreed.

He tries to end the conversation by saying that sometimes it’s better not to fight, and she says it’s better to fight for what you believe in, and she’ll be sure to finish this conversation after she’s done working. Don’t worry, though. She’ll be back in his face soon to make sure he understands exactly what she’s saying. Love it. Ricky goes back to private time with the cameras and hugs his blanky and calls Victorya passive aggressive. Oh, kettle. It’s not nice to use the N word.

Speaking of passive aggressive, Rami tells us that the straight guy not being able to sew a pair of shorts in a day is Jillian’s fault for not standing over him and making sure it gets done. She just sees leadership differently than him, that’s all. Too bad she’s WRONG. Jillian doesn’t seem to understand why Rami is ragging on her. He’s warning you that he’s going to give your ass up to the Judges when they ask, hon. No need! The next morning, straight guy gets his shit together and finishes the shorts. I am a little shocked that they are denim kulat lookin things, but they’re done. Jillian tells us that she feels guilty for ever doubting him. I don’t. Those things are hideous.

Looks like someone is a bit resentful of boobies.

Ricky tries to help Victorya not squeeze her models boobs flat against her chest whether she likes it or not as Victorya stands behind him rolling her eyes. After she takes a couple of minutes to think about what he did, bossy cow realizes that Ricky’s idea made her look better. Aw!! Everything’s coming up ro….wait. Not over on team grody beige. Chris is going against Tim’s advice and keeping the jacket. Steven is worried for his friend, but glad he’s on another team with someone who boned it harder than him. Let’s all share a moment of silence for Marion. Poor little flower girl.

Time for the runway show, and it’s pretty tough to see where the teams stand. It all looks like a mess to me. Thank goodness Christian is here for his weekly rundown. Ricky’s collection is crap and Chris’ isn’t much better. But who knows, the Judges might die over it. “Or they might die because of it.” That would be way funnier if you didn’t have thirty seven different hideous prints working on one model.

Heidi, rolling with bad fashion from the 80′s theme, comes out in a black dress missing a shoulder with a huge ugly belt. Me no likey.

I think Chris agrees.

Today’s Guest Judge is Donna Karan, who is fabulous and everything, but damn. That’s a face that needs to be updated for the modern times.

What do you wanna bet she’s rooting for Yentl, too?

Jillian’s team is up first with overalls, 70′s flare, and poodle skirt. They decided to incorporate all three looks into each outfit, which means two of the three are koolats offshoots and all three are made out of denim. Rami’s dress makes his model look like Jabba the Hut (YAAAY!) and straight guy’s huge ass collar is pretty cool, but that’s the only nice thing I can say about this collection. When was the last time you saw a modern woman wearing denim poofy skirts or shorts with waistlines up to their rib cages? Booooo.

Chris’ team is up next with shoulder pads, dancewear, and baggy sweater. Tim gave Chris shit about his shoulder pad jacket, but I think it’s the coolest thing they have. Sure, it looks like a couch in Donna Reed’s house, but I always liked that show, and I like Chris. His dress is pretty, and if he had axed the jacket they wouldn’t have had shoulder pads at all. Sweet P did a decent job with the baggy sweater, making it a cardigan and adding a huge tacky belt and turtleneck, but again, where’s the modern? Steven put his model in spandex leggings with a gold kimono for dancewear. Ouch. It’s like a ladies karate class in Little Armenia.

Christian’s team chose the zoot suit, pleather, and fringe. His zoot suit looks a lot better on the runway than it did in the work room. Jack had pleather, though, and I don’t know what the hell he was thinking. His model looks like a pregnant girl in hand me down Pea in the Pod from 1992. And nothing on the girl is pleather. HUH?

Kit Pistol is in charge of fringe, and her dress looks like one of those pictures you have to stare at cross eyed to understand. And there is no fringe on it. She tells us that she worries her team’s fabric’s may be muted on the runway. I don’t think muted is the problem. We hear your work loud and clear. It’s begging to be set on fire.

Could you speak up a bit? I can’t hear you.

Ricky’s team is last with neon, cutouts, and underwear as outerwear. His Fredrick’s of Hollywood number’s out first, and all it’s missing is a boa. And vision. And competence. Elisa’s abandoned her skin tight “sew it on the model” look this week. Instead, she’s followed Victorya’s directions to a tee and produced a formless shirt dress. Victorya, also out of her comfort zone this week, shows us why she always designs shapeless dresses. Her model looks like a flat chested twelve year old flag dancer at a pep rally.

Look, I’m not being negative and bitchy just for the sake of it today. To me, this is another week in a row where everyone failed miserably. I’m interested to see what the Judges have to say. Heidi announces Jillian’s team as the clear cut winner, saying their collection is the most cohesive (agreed) and the most modern (koolats. I won’t dwell on it.) Christian’s team comes in second, leaving Ricky and Chris in the bottom. No surprise there.

Donna Karan is not here to fuck around today. She starts with Chris’ team and says there’s no cohesion, Steven’s dance outfit is hideous, and Chris’ jacket is ugg. Kors adds that his model looks very beauty pageant, but camel style. HAHA, Kors. Chris tries to explain his jacket, but Donna cuts in to ask “how can you be a leader if you can’t lead yourself?” Thanks, Tony Robbins. Moving on.

Nina starts with the positive for Ricky’s team. She liked their concept, but she isn’t impressed with fit or construction. Donna gives Elisa props for her shirt dress (huh?) and Nina compliments the fit of Victorya’s dress. Victorya says that Ricky was the one who tweaked her look to make it a success. A generous, mature compliment? Oooh, I can’t wait til she burns his ass in about one minute.

Nina ignores her kindness and asks Ricky how he had the nerve to come out with such a poorly constructed piece the week after he sent his model down the runway showing pins and needles. Welcome back, c word Nina! You had me worried there for a second. Ricky starts twitching and freaking out, saying that he spent so much time helping (whining and wahing to the cameras) his team mates that his work suffered. WHAT? Please get rid of this guy. I hate his ass, and not in a fun way.

Welcome back, bed head.

Elisa tries to help Ricky out too and tells the Judges that since she is a “sculptor” (LOL), Ricky had to show her how to drape a model using a fabric she’d never used. Kors won’t have it and asks who chose the difficult fabric. Ricky. Heidi asks Victorya who she thinks should go home from her team and she answers Ricky, because he was a shitty leader. Ricky’s answer, of course, is a well rounded and mature YOU ARE! Elisa would send herself home. Shut up crazy face.

Over on Chris’ side, Steven would send Chris home because he was the leader, Chris would send himself home because he’s man enough to take responsibilty for his team (RICKY) and Sweet P would send Steven home but she’s sooo sorry omg you guys she’s such a good person.

The Judges take some private time to discuss. Ricky’s dress was horrid and his leadership skills sucked, but Victorya’s obviously a difficult bitch who’s hard to work with. Chris’ team wasn’t relevant or cohesive, his leadership sucked, and his jacket was way too hideous to live. Uh-oh. Don’t tell me Ricky makes it further in this game than Chris. Don’t tell me! And Ricky…is in!

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This guy has had unfinished crap work two weeks in a row and his team sucked the hardest BY FAR, but in the end, I guess he’s way more of an asshole, making a better “character”. I am glad I have a full week to calm down, because I am not pleased. Can you tell? I hate you, Judges! I hate you Witchiepoo Karan! And you can take that shit book of yours and shove it up your cornhole, horse face Garcia! Flipit out.

Just in case you aren’t horrified yet, I though I’d help you out.