Project Runway: Disease, Normality, and Extra Skin. Just Another Day in Paradise

This week on Project Runway, our mystery guests make the designers do this:

As there are fewer and fewer designers left, the tension is mounting. While Jillian plucks her brows and Christina turns into Kit Pistol (eyeliner, blue eyeshadow, roots, check! There’s a new girl in town!), Sweet P musters up some kinda tears for everyone’s favorite drag queen parade float designer. It’s always sad to see a likable person go home over a shady freak like Ricky, but I have to admit I am happy that I will have the chance to watch Ricky’s inevitable mental breakdown. I’m sick like that.

Sweet P says she’s gonna miss Chris and there’s gonna be a “big void” in the house now. I study her to see if she meant to make a fat joke, but I can’t tell because she’s tearing up and pulling at her bangs like a crazy person.

The birds! The birds!

Jack doesn’t have time to worry about his fallen friend because he’s in the other room nursing his bleeding nose. He’s had a couple of skin staff infections before but he was hoping this was just gonna be a simple pimple. Now it’s out of control. Straight guy smiles at him and tilts his head at different angles to show off his new cutting edge facial hair sculpture.

Dude, your nose is bleeding. Notice anything different about my face?

Heidi comes out wearing a skirt in a similar print to Ricky’s hat, and it’s the first time she’s pissed me off this year. Today’s guest is a mysterious surprise! When the model stands behind the white screen, no one can figure out what it is. Sweet P always has the best guesses, and she says it looks like a tranny. LOL, Sweet P. Wouldn’t that just kill Chris? None of the guesses are flattering. An eighties quarterback? A busboy from Medieval Times? Princess Fiona? Oh, sweet model. When even your shadow is homely, you’re in trouble.

It’s Highlander!

It’s an ex fat woman in a huge wedding dress. Poor thing looks like she got left at the alter and refused to go home and eat dinner without a husband. For ten years. As she is joined by a parade of moderately big women in clothes that are way too big for them, the designers react like they’re being poked with needles. Steven squints at the women trying to figure out if he’s seeing right and Jack kneejerk covers his mouth so fast his nose starts bleeding again. All lined up like that, the models look like a female prison production of A Chorus Line.

One of these things is not like the other.

Yay! A real person challenge! Or, as this show likes to refer to them, an “Everyday Woman” challenge! Bring on the bacon! The bony bitches were put back in the toy box this week and no one’s happy. Well, the designers aren’t happy. I’m thrilled! Nothing scares a designer like being forced to make clothing actual normal human beings could wear, and nothing makes me happier than scared designers. It’s a circle.

The real person challenge last year was when Jeffery finally crossed over the line to the dark side by yelling at Angela’s whiny ridiculous difficult mother and making her cry (I’m no fan of Sibilia, but that bitch deserved it). Yay! There’s hope for this season yet! The women have lost anywhere from fifty to a hundred and sixty pounds each. That’s a lot of will power, and a lot of skin. I hope Bluefly donated a few cases of Spanx and duct tape, suckas. You’re gonna need it.

Thankfully, Heidi assigns them models by picking names out of a bag instead of turning this into a junior high dodgeball draft. The biggest fear is getting stuck with the bride to may be someday, and Steve is the unlucky one. He smiles and waves at the woman, but he’s not smiling when he’s alone with the cameras. He says it feels like death on a stick. This is the first time I’ve ever seen him mad! It’s kind of disturbing.

Sweet P’s name is picked last again, adding to my speculation that God hates her. The challenge will be to give these women makeovers using only the clothing on their backs, which Heidi tells us is comprised of their favorite outfits from when they were fat. Man, poor lady in a wedding dress. I imagine her walking around her apartment dressed in that thing and exchanging vows with a Backstreet Boys poster in her room, dreaming of the day she would get to wear it for realsies. Here’s to love, sad wedding dress lady!

Just keep taking that thing in until your prince comes and you can eat again.

Back in the workroom, Tim comes in to re-explain their assignment and call attention to the note Chris left taped to the back of a dress form. Something about having a dream and it being crushed and him never being able to love again. Sweet P starts up with her wah wah ing and pressing her temples. You’re compassionate. Noted. I got news for ya lady, someone else is gonna get kicked off this episode, too. And the next. And the next. Brace yourself.

The designers have thirty minutes to meet with their models. Elisa is (of course) positive and loving toward her everyday woman, saying she’s going for a sexy look. I hope there’s hand measuring and spit marking. I’d love to see what an everyday woman would have to say about Elisa’s face in her crotch. Straight Guy is positive as usual, saying that he’s psyched! It’s great! He loves designing for everyday women! He’s gonna be fine! No not fine, great! It’s all great! Then a little trickle of pee comes out of his pant leg.

Christian is stuck with the girl who likes all black and refuses to wear anything else. Must suck to lose like a hundred pounds and still want to hide. Come out, darlin! He doesn’t hug her and pretend that he loves that horrible all black and denim idea, but he doesn’t show his distaste as much as Steven, who just keeps saying “satin buttons zippers satin buttons zippers I hate you fat bitch satin buttons zippers.” His woman wishes him luck, and he jumps on top of her and starts strangling her with her huge garter.

This material would make a gorgeous noose.

Over the course of the day, Jack’s face has started to puff up, and he can no longer pretend that his infection is no big deal. He calls his doctor, who tells him that he needs to get into treatment asap, and it’s really heartbreaking as Jack talks about how hard he worked to get there only to have to leave for stupid reasons. Like a life threatening disease. He privately talks it over with Tim and then announces to his peers that he has to quit. Awwww! So sad!! Sorry for the lack of snark in that paragraph, but even I am above AIDS jokes and I actually just squirted some wet salty stuff out of my eyes. Don’t judge me! On the positive side, he has Julia Roberts lips now and that’s never bad.

Jack says his teary goodbyes and the designers try to get back to work. Ricky, not one to cry unless it’s over himself, takes the down time to play dress up. Having a big girl to work with has given him the opportunity to make big pants and get giant shoes to prance around in front of the mirror in. His work looks like crap, but I can’t tell if the outfit’s grossing me out or if it’s the sight of his hairy belly button. It’s official. With all this talk of AIDS and Ricky’s nastiness, I am never having sex again.

And…sex drive rendered useless. Thanks for keepin me safe, Ricky!

Half of the day is now gone, and Tim brings in a surprise. It’s Chris!! YAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!! I’m psyched that he is going to get another chance and I’m hopeful that he makes more of a c word of himself this time so his shelf life lengthens. Sweet P hears the news and gets so excited that a tranny hat pops out of her head.

She’s a witch! Off with her heads!

The everyday women come in to try on the works in progress and most everyone’s projects are coming right along. Christian has managed to tailor his depressing ex fattie’s all black look, and the only thing she isn’t happy with is how flat the jeans make her butt look. He offers to throw some padding in there but says he isn’t a miracle worker and can’t grow her an ass. It’s her fault for getting rid of it in the first place. Can’t deny your cake and eat it too, everyday woman!

Stephen’s is the only dress that looks truly hideous so far, and he hasn’t even started using the wedding dress yet. He’s made an entirely new piece out of black fabric he bought from Mood. His ex fat lady’s all…uhhhhhhhh…huh?, but he ignores her and continues his cycle of ugg. Chris sees the wedding dress later and asks if he can have it. He is sure he could do something fabulous. And that’s why I love Chris. Not even death by shoulder pads can keep him down. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for Linda Dano. Where you been, girl?

Come Back to the Five and Dime, Linda Dano, Linda Dano!

Elisa has put together some kind of fifties housewife going to a dinner party look, and Tim is worried for her. It shows her wacko personality, but that’s about it. Steven’s even worse off. Tim tries to warn him against dismissing the wedding dress, but Steven ignores him. We all know what happens when you ignore Tim Gunn, Steven! I hope the museum hasn’t found someone to take over unpacking your boxes yet.

Chris has taken a different direction with his ex fat lady than Jack did. Jack was working on a streamlined, straight skirt, but Chris took one look at the woman and thought: Sailor. Tim let’s his disapproval show, but he doesn’t go far enough. I want him to slam Chris’ head down on the table and scream “YOU HAVE A SECOND CHANCE AND YOU GIVE ME SAILOR?!?!?” Instead, he tells Chris to make sure he’s done planning by the end of the day so he doesn’t spend the extra time he was allotted messing up. Then he drawls “I’ve made more bad decisions at 3AM than I can count.” Why Tim Gunn, you rascal! Even Chris blushes, and he works for drag queens. I wasn’t aware that Tim Gunn had a sex drive, but it’s starting to explain Ricky’s existence on this show.

Who can resist Chicklet teeth and a see thru hat?

No, Tim didn’t mean it like that, you dirty birds! Chris asks him if he’s gonna come back at four am and Tim says he’ll be back promptly after his 3 AM mistake. I’m imagining a piano bar and a small Asian. Christian finishes early and does the gay equivalent of chest bumping and booya-ing. He snaps and calls everyone bitches. Sweet P asks if it’s against the law to hit twelve year olds. LOL. Christian just takes it in stride and asks no one in particular “don’t these people know I’m better than them?” like he’s kidding, but Sweet P doesn’t buy it, and I hope she starts to show this side of her personality more:

I’ll break your twink ass, bitch.

Just before time is called for the night, there’s more drama as Elisa starts giving spiritual birth to her creation.

I’ve got bad news. It’s coming out backwards. Breathe!

Chris stays up all night to get finished, and when the designers come back to the workroom the next morning he’s snoring so deeply that Fred Flinstone would be embarrassed for him. He has finished a dress, but he has no idea if it’s any good or not. Christian is still snapping and calling himself brilliant and Rami is making his ex fat lady spin around and around to show off her newly almost slim figure. Steven is still rowing the boat up shit’s creek, though. He’s always finished before, but thinks this might be the time he completely bones it.

He’s lucky that Jillian decided to ignore the assignment too and not use the clothes she was given in her finished piece. She knows she’s gonna get in trouble for it, but thinks her dress might be good enough to save her. It doesn’t look very promising to me, but it just has to suck less than Steven’s. Still hard to tell who’s gonna take this one, so thank goodness Christian’s Rundown is becoming a regular segment on the show.

“Chris’ outfit is pure costume, PURE, Steven’s is god-awful hideous, Elisa’s is god-awful hideous, but who knows? Maybe the judges will die for it. Or…” wait for it “die because of it.” So this is his trademark catchphrase now? That was kind of funny last week, but it’s crying and screaming and needs to be put to bed now. Besides, what happened to “I was a boozer, a user, and a loser”? Pick a catch phrase and stick with it, Christian! I’m getting confused.

“You know, I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed. Really hard.”

Elisa was a bit worried after Tim’s critique of her dress, but her goal was to make a second skin for her ex fat lady and she thinks she succeeded. I agree, but I don’t know if a second skin was a good idea to start with. The woman has more folds than an origami swan.

As Ricky watches his model walk in the come fuck me heels and border whore short jeans he made her, he thinks of how much fun Jack would be having right now and sobs. On no, wait. He’s crying because he’s so touched by his own work. It’s also quite a testament to his inner strength that he’s actually finished something for once.

Cry for me, Argentina!

The one with good reason to sob for himself is Steven, and he almost goes there. Time is called and he is not finished gluing (yes, gluing) the collar to his dress even with help from four of the other designers. As Tim ushers him out of the workroom, I don’t think it’s as bad as it could be. It’s a little Pilgrim-ish, but without the Pilgrims we wouldn’t have had anyone to slaughter the Indians for us. Heidi greets the designers on the runway wearing a very loose fitting number, obviously going with the oversized theme.

Somehow, I doubt Heidi’s ever been a Schweinchen Kuh. But thanks for trying to make us all feel equal.

The guest judge is some bigwig at GAP, which is pretty funny because the largest size they sell for women is a size 20. That may sound huge to some of you, but in America it’s really not. None of these women would be able to shop there unless they had lost the weight. The GAP is all about the everyday woman, just not too everyday. Congrats, ex fat ladies, now you can overpay for crap cookie cutter clothes made in some sweat shop like the rest of us! Welcome to society!



Sweet P’s look is the first down the runway. She’s taken a formless, drab olive dress and transformed it into a really ill fitting and unflattering drab olive dress. Her model looks like she went back to her old weight overnight. Jillian’s red dress using none of the original material is out next. It’s just a simple ole red dress, but it has two thin lines running down it, like she’s trying to create the illusion of a trim woman. Lines don’t trick people, for crying out loud. You know those girls who wear lip liner an inch above their lips thinking they look like Angelina Jolie but they really just look like Diane Ladd having a nervous breakdown in Wild at Heart? That’s Jillian’s dress today. And she was doing so well!

Ricky is out next, and you’ve totally seen his outfit if you ever rode the bus to downtown LA and payed attention. Like, three years ago. All his model needs is a big wad of Bubble Yum and five inch finger nails with fake diamonds on them to make this look complete. As she walks the runway, Ricky tells us that he gave her one of the best days of her life. Oh wah. Stop touching yourself. You’re on TV. I have to add that Ricky completely discarded his shirt and only used the jeans, so it will be interesting to see how picky the Judges get about using the original material today.

Chris’ outfit almost works, but he threw a red sash on as a belt to match the red tail on the back of the skirt. His model looks like a tacky bank secretary. Who stings. It doesn’t help much that she’s totally knock kneed. Damn everyday women and their knock knees.

Victorya started with a shapeless dress, so she actually went against her usual instincts and made a tight fitting velvet cocktail dress. The only thing that makes it slightly original is the cotton bustier-like piece she’s plastered on the front of her ex fat lady. She redeems herself (kinda) by at least having the hairdresser blow out her model’s Mrs. Roper hair. Baby steps.

Christian’s look can be seen in malls across the country and on models he’s already sent down the runway for the past month, but you have to admit that his work looks better than everyone else’s so far. It looks sleek and professional, and I hate saying that because I’m cringing and trying to get “It’s fierce. Really something” to stop playing over and over again in my head. Plus, I have to give him props for going with the same exact style he used on the jacket that Nina Garcia gagged on and threw up all over a couple weeks ago. He’s got gumption, that little whippersnapper.

Elisa’s “rocker” take on the baggy red shirt and pants isn’t as bad as Tim and Christian made it out to be. She did a simple double layered skirt and turned the shirt into a funky jacket. The black boots and hair do makeover really helps her case, but it’s a pretty weak showing overall. Kit Pistol has managed to turn her mannish awkward mongoloid model into Jordin Sparks. She’s shortened the original dress and cinched it in and then sewed on a whole other dress made from the ugliest pink material Mood sells. I have a feeling she did this on purpose. Kit Pistol’s a rebel, dammit!

Straight Guy’s outfit is the best so far. The models think so, too. You can tell cuz they audibly ooh and ahhh as the ex fattie walks the runway. He’s taken her baggy blazer and turned it into a hot little yellow and black button up that flatters his model’s figure and stays true to the original. I could do without the leggings, but I was traumatized at a very young age when I stole a pair of my sister’s and wore them to school. To me, leggings = getting my ass whooped.

Steven’s glued together sexy Pilgrim grandma outfit didn’t fall apart, and his model was a ham. That said, there isn’t even a hint of the wedding dress and he is gonna get nailed by the judges. In a bad way. Rami ends things with a bang. His tight skirt and boobalicious top really make his model look fantastic, and she knows it. She struts and poses and mugs and it’s great. I lose five pounds and I feel like making out with the mail man, this girl must be ready to f the world.

Steven, Elisa, Chris, Christian, Straight Guy and Jillian are kept on the runway with the highest and lowest scores. The judges love Straight Guy’s work, but Kors calls him out on the lame leggings. HOLLA KORS! Elisa’s multi-layered rocker look isn’t too popular, but no one hates on it. I think she’s safe. She’s very humble and sweet on the runway, and she’s turned out to be nowhere near the looza I initially thought she would be. She’s a crazy faced wackadoo, but I am falling in love with her.

Sorry, ma’am, but your loan wasn’t approved.

It looks like Jillian is gonna get a tongue lashing for not using any of the original outfit for her final look, but the judges loved her dress. They call it sexy and beautiful. Huh? It’s not hideous, but it’s pretty plain Jane in the brain. Whatevs. I will never get these people. The first week I think Rami knocked it out of the park and they ignore him for a fire engine red summer dress with faux skinny lines.

Steven’s turn. Kors just nods his head and says he’s speechless. Steven smiles like he might have scored, and then Nina looks at him like he spit in her eye and says he went from a wedding to a funeral and his end result was a French maid. Kors adds “a French maid at a funeral!” Calm down there, speechless.

Steven shakes his head almost violently and argues that he was given shit material, but Kors won’t have it. He had so much fabulous beading to work with and he blew it. I’m so sure. They would have crucified him if he send a white beaded daywear piece down the runway, but I agree that he sucked it today. The judges loved Christian’s ode to black, and the GAP guy tries to be as gentle about Chris’ secretary nightmare as he can. He says that he likes it, but the red should have stayed in the store. Kors, who didn’t get to say enough in the last critique, rants that all the ex fattie needs is a cigarette and a beret and she’d be Kit Pistol ditching class in Paris. Then he adds that the look is very Shirley Maclaine as the hooker with the heart of gold. I think Chris knows who Irma La Douce is, Kors. He’s tacky, not straight.

Well, he could have compared it to Shirley Maclaine in Steel Magnolias.

The judges take some time to deliberate and change the wording of their disses around, but basically say French maid and cosutme-y a lot. The designers are called back out and Christian is named the winner! He gets a bit choked up, which is cute. See? He only pretends to be socially retarded for the cameras.

Jillian, Chris and straight guy are safe, leaving Elisa and Steven in the bottom two. Elisa didn’t do a great job, but Steven was just terrible. I really like watching him on this show, but he hasn’t really ever risen to the occasion. The judges send him home, and he takes it well. Too well. Throw something! Call Nina a pig! Something! Nah, he says he’ll go back to unpacking boxes at the museum and try to resist the urge to become a Greta Garbo-esque recluse. There’s a goal.

What did you guys think? It was a pretty sad, drab episode, but hopefully they’ll pick things up next week and give us some glamour. All I know is that the challenge starts in front of a hot dog stand. That can’t be good.