Project Runway: Eat Me

It is now 2008. I will be thin, rich, and gorgeous. Nothing will tempt me to travel down my past path of chocolate and pizza bingeing. NOTHING!

DAMN YOU, PROJECT RUNWAY!!!

Previously, Steven mad a fat lady look like a Pilgrim who missed her boat, I learned how to spell staph infection, and that same jacket thing Christian keeps making over and over again finally won a blue ribbon.

Steven’s gone, but not much else has changed in the loft. Ricky still grosses me out (this time with his bare man boobs) and Christian’s still as bitchy as can be, saying that he doesn’t care that Steven was obliterated. He made an ugly dress uglier. The end. The other queens laugh and laugh, either at Christian’s cattiness or Chris’ insistence on dressing like the mom in Hairspray.

I bought a laundry bag from the Cracker Barrel a few years ago that looked just like this.

Heidi, looking a little bit washed out, comes out in a tight black skirt and ho lipstick to explain that since the models weren’t used last week, two of them will be going home today. They look more desperate than ever, giving needy doe eyes to the designers like I’ve given Burger King every time I’ve passed (34 times) since this goddamn holiday called “New Years” went into effect. Damn you to hell, 2008!

Christian gets to choose first, and he thanks his current bag of bones for everything she’s done for him before warning her not to let the door kick her in the ass on the way out. He snaps up the young fresh gorgeous girl (let’s face it, there’s really only one this year) instead, and practically snaps his fingers at the cameras as he does it.

Jillian stays with her girl, and then Sweet P’s name is picked from the bag!! She’s not last for once and smiles from ear to ear, confident that her luck has changed. You better hope not, because the luck you had kept you hanging on by a thread. She keeps her same model, but it’s not a good move. Something’s wrong with this girl. She looks like Satan’s bride.

Someone call Pat Robertson. This girl’s been infiltrated.

Rami also decides to make a change. I can’t imagine why. Who doesn’t want a cross eyed horse face walking their clothes down the aisle? OK, that was uncalled for, but seriously. How is this girl a model?

Sorry, suga, but Charlize Theron already won an Oscar playing this part.

Christian’s discarded model is picked up by Ricky, and the horse and some other skinny girl are sent packing. The only thing I care about is that Yentl is safe. And she is!! Heidi tells the designers to go get some rest, because Tim Gunn will be waking them up at the crack ass of dawn to take them on a field trip. When he arrives at the loft the next morning, he is greeted by Kit Pistol. Gunn is understandably horrified. She’s lucky Veronica Webb isn’t with him, cuz she’d be getting a brand new cornhole chewed out right now.

The Nightmare After Christmas

For some reason, we get to watch Tim knock on every apartment door to see every designer look like crap first thing in the morning. Thanks for that, producers. Something’s fishy over in the last apartment. Ricky answers the door holding one of Chris’ muumuus. Please tell me that doesn’t mean what I think it means, because I have no food in my system to throw up.

Tim takes his motley crew down the street to Times Square and tells them to look around at where they are. Will they be dressing the cast of a Broadway musical? Hookers? Waiters from the Olive Garden? Nope! Tim points to the Hershey’s store and the designers start jumping up and down. The only one on my page is Christian, who says “great. We get to make shit out of candy.” The waiters from the Olive Garden would have been way better. They definitely need a makeover. MMMmmmm endless bread….

Some robotic cracker named Michelle Gloeckler welcomes the designers to the huge store and uncomfortably recites her lines about Hershey’s being the sweetest place on Earth. She also warns them that if they act like brats they’ll be drowned in a chocolate lake or thrown down a trash chute by a bunch of squirrels. There will be no budget today. Instead, they’ll have five minutes to ransack the place for whatever they want. This is the most evil challenge the producers could have thrown my way exactly one day into my diet. A holes. BRB.

Guess what saltines don’t taste like? Chocolate. Anyhoo, Chris says he’s learned from past experience not to use food as clothes, which just kills me. He goes for big pillows instead, and I worry for him. Out of all the designers, he should be able to kick this challenge’s ass the hardest, but he’s going with actual fabric. God I wish I was there to smack him and give him permission to fag out.

Crazy face walks around with a divining stick and the Universe tells her to take everything she can get her hands on now, design later. You gotta love that greedy Universe. So wise. Christian decides to use the insides of Reese’s cups as his materials for what will very possibly be his latest flight jacket incarnation, and I’m starting to really like this challenge. I have no idea what’s going to happen, and it will require some serious creativity. And then this happens.

Why God? Why?

Alright, it’s four hours later and I’m back. My doctor told me it was pointless to pay for Lasik if I’m gonna keep on trying to rip out my corneas, and when I blamed Ricky, he suggested I stop watching TV. I’m so sure. Do your job and hand me some Vicodin, asshole. Where were we? Oh yeah. ARGH! MY EYES!

Wait. On my second look, I can see that that’s a mic pack, not a huge slave boy thong. I just downed four Vicies for nothing. Phew. I can breathe again. And then this happens.

Good Lord, PR. Enough already!

Santino was last seen on America’s Most Smartest Model, which makes him officially useless and irrelevant, right? Please just make it stop. Back in the workroom, it’s all fun and games as the designers giggle and skip and Chris hugs a giant Hershey’s syrup bottle. Seriously. When the actual construction begins, though, it starts to get ugly. Fast.

Jillian tells us proudly that she’s the only one who decided to use actual edible materials. Jillian. There’s a reason for that, yo. I’m just proud of her for not disregarding the challenge altogether even though it worked so well for her last time. Sweet P is off in a corner ripping the heads off teddy bears and breaking clay pots for a waistline (uhhhh, comfie) while Crazy Face talks to the cameras and for the first time ever, makes complete sense. Uh-oh. That’s a very bad sign.

She says that five years ago she was hired to design her own t-shirt line in London and on the last day of her trip she was hit by a Porsche, dashing her dreams. She suffered severe head trauma (you don’t say) and was in a coma for five days and the only reason she’s here is because her daughter Colliapy made her believe that she could reclaim the life that could have been had she not been run down. Aw!! This sounds like a Sandra Bullock movie. One of her really bad ones.

First off, who names their kid Colliapy? And second of all, when did you learn to speak sensical English? I have a bad feeling about this. You were cast because you were batshit crazy. Stick to that.

Christian, as usual, finishes with lots of time to spare, so he goes around doing his best to make everyone else feel like crap about what they’re doing. You see, their problem is that they don’t have any direction, unlike our spiky haired heroine, who decided that when she got a second chance at high school she would BE SOMETHING, DAMMIT!!

“I’m dealing with this the same way I dealt with my own alcoholism and drug addiction… with lies and delusion.”

Ricky is sick of Christian’s diva attitude, but not enough to cry, and Straight Guy smiles and nods as Christian warns him against using too much candy on his hemlines because it looks ugly, but in front of the cameras he says he can’t wait to beat his ass. I wish I had gone to grade school with Christian. He would have been one of the only kids wimpy enough for me to lock inside his locker and call Nancy. I could have used the feeling of superiority at that age.

Sweet P’s dress looks like shit. Thank God Christian’s there to tell her. I have to say, at the beginning of this season I thought I would really dislike Sweet P (I think because she calls herself Sweet P), but she’s really grown on me, even though she always kinda sucks it. Christian does the finger worm thing at her dress and says “hello!!” and her only reaction is an earnest “thank you, Christian!” HA. As he walks away he says “You’re welcome, honey!” Get a rope.

Tim comes in to assess the situation and starts with Victorya. He tells her her ruffles are flat and lifeless and she asks “reaaallllyyyyyyyy??” like he’s the biggest idiot ever born. Ugh. There used to be a dishwasher at the restaurant I worked at named Victor who ate out of the trash and picked his nose and dropped dishes all the time. Whenever he screwed up, which was every five minutes, the kitchen guys would shout “Victor! Ya!” like they were scolding a dog that pooped on the rug. I only tell you that because every time this chick acts like an asshole I shout “Victor, YA!” at the TV and feel better. You should try it.

The skirt on Rami’s dress is pretty sweet, and it might save him from getting in trouble for his ho-ish looking red slick top. Tim thinks it looks like something Jillian would wear, which Rami doesn’t seem to take as a compliment. Who can blame him? The girl wears overalls and sunglasses in her hair and prints that are just wrong.

Next up is Elisa. Tim has no words for her dress. She describes it as Gretel (you know, from Hansel and Gretel, the story about two kids that cooked a cannibal witch) as interpreted by Maria Von Franz. I didn’t know what the f she was talking about, so I did a little research. Maria Von Franz wrote a book called Psychotherapy, with essays on “Projection Transference and Dream Interpretation”, “Self-Realization Group Psychology”, and “The Therapeutic Use of Hallucinogenic Drugs.” Phew. The crazy bitch is home. I was skerd for a sec.

He can’t slap her and tell her NO, so Tim just advises her to “wow” him. She giggles and says “workin on the wow!” Mission accomplished. Wow. Ricky tells us that her dress looks a little Barney Rubble to him. Shut up, Ricky. You’re wearing skin tight jean cut-offs, a tramp stamp on your ass, and a mesh sailor hat. Barney Rubble looks like George Clooney next to you.

Tim makes his way over to Sweet P, who’s plan of starting over hasn’t gotten her any further. He takes one look at the giant circle on the floor and says it looks like a coffee filter, “or a maxi pad….” Oh Tim Gunn. It’s adorable that you think maxi pads are shaped like doughnuts, ya big homo.

Vajayjay’s are like giant Krispy Kremes that make pee pee and babies.

Sweet P starts all over again, and I can’t imagine what she’s gonna be able to come up with in less than three hours. Somehow, though, she still seems better off than poor Jillian, who’s Twizzlers are falling off her dress every time Chris snorts in air during his nap on the nearby couch. The Judges love this girl, though. My guess is her model can walk down the runway naked and they’d say the Empress never looked better.

On the way to commercial break, a big logo flashes up on the screen and the announcer guy tells us that Project Runway is sponsored by Hershey’s. Yeah, no shit dude. I hope one day Pet Smart sponsors this show and the designers are forced to make skirts out of hamsters and turtle shells.

Dear Chris, stop being so goddamn obvious. My jobs are on the line here. PSILVU

The next morning, the models try on their dresses. Victor, YA! didn’t listen to one word of Tim’s advice, which should make her automatically fire squadded, but there are bigger messes. Muuuuch bigger.

Jillian’s the obvious one. Even if her Twizzler creation stays on her model, it’s pretty fug lookin so far. The model offers to help hand stich on extra strands of candy, and putting a sharp object in a model’s hand is never a good idea. Not that they’re homicidal or anything, just really really weak. You don’t want them falling over and poking someone.

Christian’s over in the corner sniping insults about his peers, but his model looks like she just crawled out of the trash in a family restroom.

Look who’s talking. If this girl walked around Disneyland, she’d be swept into a dust pan hopper before you even noticed her there.

Christian tells us that Elisa’s dress sleeves look like floaties, and he’s not the only pot using the n word. Chris says Sweet P’s taste level is “hit or miss” and if she wasn’t in trouble, he’d be surprised. Hey remember that time when you were KICKED OFF? Zip it, fool.

The designers gather for the runway show, and Heidi tells them they better not suck today, because all of the looks will be auctioned off to raise money for The Young Survival Coalition, which is a breast cancer charity. Don’t artificial colors and flavors cause cancer in the first place? Uh, thanks, Hershey’s. Why not just go all the way and auction off cartons of Camel Lights? Just saying.

The show opens with Ricky’s dress. This is some of his better work, for sure. His model looks like a street walker, as usual, but this is a street walker who’s on her way to a Quincenera. In space. Chris’ work is also better this week, but he should be ashamed of himself for being a drag queen designer that only made a simple ill fitting bodice and a tight mini instead of a parade float. Come on, man!

Just when it looks like they’re all gonna bone it, Kit Pistol’s model comes out looking like one punk ass bitch. And I mean that as a compliment. How can you not love a combination of Kit Kats, Rollos, and Hershey bars? Guess what doesn’t taste like chocolate? Pencil erasers. Have I already damned 2008?

Elisa is wildly bobbing her head as her model walks the plank, and I hope the Judges take it as a sign of severe head trauma or epilepsy, because I really like Elisa and her work today just blows. If Gretel looked like this, the cannibal witch would have left her ass alone. At first glance, Straight Guy’s ensemble looks kind of cheap, but then duh, I remember it’s made out of candy wrappers. Then it looks fantastic. He’s the only one so far who’s dress would actually be able to be worn in the real world. By someone too poor to shop anywhere but Goodwill, but still.

Since Christian was finished yesterday, he had time to really tweak his dress, and he didn’t. The result is pretty hideous. He took the most beautiful model on the show and made her look tar and feathered. Her hair is shaped like a Reese’s cup, and it’s awesome, but he didn’t do that part. He, of course, thinks it’s fabulous and tells us that it’s definitely him. Agreed. Dark and one note. He didn’t try to make that same old jacket again, but now I wish he had.

For Sweet P, the third time was definitely a charm. Her dress came out looking much better than the first two she tried. It’s a little plain, but she did it with only three hours, so right on. It almost makes you forget that her model is a severely anorexic hunchback. She didn’t completely self destruct, so nice work, lady! Rami’s skirt is really awesome, but I still can’t get on board with the tacky top. He sees that he caught the guest judge’s attention, and where the f have I been? The guest judge just caught my attention!

Come here often, sweet cheeks?

For all the whining and self pity and drama, Jillian’s dress came out looking really cute. Her model looks like a cocktail waitress in Candyland, which is pretty cool. Have you every had a cocktail and played Candyland? Try it. My mother taught me how, and her mother taught her. Aw, family.

Victor, YA!’s dress is so wrong that Nina covers her face with her giant PR card. The poor model looks like a wad of tissue ready to be shoved up a bloody nose. Ignore Tim Gunn and you will suffer, bitch! The only person on Earth who would have liked this dress is Mr. Whipple, but he’s dead as a doornail. The model has obviously been instructed to walk like a retard in ballet class, and even the guest judge, who has been smiling this whole time, has a confused WTF look on his face. Love it.

Jillian, Rami, Chris, VictorYA, Crazy Face, and Sweet P are kept on the runway as the highest and lowest scores. Aw, sorry bout that, Kit Pistol! I thought you had this one! After Rami sits on the collective Judge’s face to get smoke blown up his ass, Crazy Face tries to describe what she was going for with her work. She wanted a beautiful, gorgeous, sexy dress that felt like candy but wasn’t candy. Silence.

Heidi, who for some reason decides to be gentle, refrains from sticking her finger down her throat and instead asks why she didn’t use better material. Kors puts it blunter, calling the creation joyless with shower cap accents. Crazy Face nods and smiles enthusiastically, saying “yes!” like joyless shower cap arms were just what she was aiming for.

Everyone loved Jillian’s Twizzler dress, and Kors called it delicious. Ew, Kors. You’re asides only work when they’re rude. The judges seem downright angry with Victor, YA, who comes out swinging. She claims that she would wear that dress, and Heidi retorts only if she had a job at the Dairy Queen. Ouch. To people who work at Dairy Queen. And what was up with the lame model walk? Well, VictorYA says she wanted to convey a modern day ice princess. Who milks cows. And is always prepared to catch your snot when you have a cold.

Modern Day Ice Princess

The guest judge thought Chris’ bodice wasn’t “fantastical” enough, but Kors is impressed that he toned it down and made something simple and beautiful. The top does look much better up close. Nina, who is uncomfortably sweet today, says that the model could walk into a studio right now and be shot for the pages of Elle. Nice! Chris finally got some love.

Sweet P’s dress is deemed bore snore across the board, and she sticks up for herself by claiming to have a very simple aesthetic. Nina, waking from her slumber, says that she likes simple, but Sweet P’s dress is just sad. Owie. The judges take some private time to basically repeat everything they’ve already said while Chris binges on chocolate in the holding tank. The only thing they really add is that they are disappointed that Crazy Face wasn’t crazy enough. Told ya! Then the hundredth commercial for Make Me a Supermodel this hour comes on.

Glad to see Carmen already found another show.

Chris is in, and Rami is named as the winner. Jillian got screwed on that one, if you ask me. It looked like she would crash and burn and she came up with a stunner. Ah well, she smiles humbly anyways and is told she’s safe, and Victor, YA! follows her, leaving sweet P and Crazy Face. Sweet P is dressed like a house frau and she bored Heidi, and Crazy Face was supposed to push the envelope and didn’t, but she has really cute aqua boots on. They aren’t enough to save her. She’s out.

And she doesn’t disappoint. After saying goodbye in ten different languages (alright, the clicking of the tongue is going a bit far), she tells us that she feels “fortified…in a way that not many people can understand. These experiences evolved my whole time here. Everyone contributed in a way that will help me fortify my work for the rest of my life. They were the true judges.” Yeah, and guess what? They made cuckoo sounds behind your back.

Oh, Elisa, you’ve fortified my experience with this show and I am going to miss all the lessons you taught me. Number one, even if you’re just walking around the block, wear a helmet.

Let’s all work on our desks like this tomorrow, in remembrance. XO, Crazy Face. It won’t be the same without ya. Love you, Flipit.