Project Runway: Jersey Pretty

Tonight, about midway through Project Runway, I googled “Jersey Prom” and these images were on pages one, two and three.

Consider this your warning.

We open today’s show with a long shot of Ricky brushing his teeth. Color me impressed. Moving on…

Rami reminds us that last week he won for the second time, proving that he has a little something that sets him apart from everyone else. Could it be JESSICA ALBA? VictorYA is depressed about Elisa, which makes me like her, kinda. But then I only realize she’s sad because Crazy Face’s eviction means the cheap ass producers over at Bravo made VictorYA move into the other girl’s loft so they didn’t have to pay any extra rent. I call bs! Then again, the other girls are no Elisa, which means they won’t be taking any kind of VictorYA’s bullshit. I changed my mind. All’s fair in love and reality show budgets.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed lately, but someone in the fashion world gave bangs permission to come back on the scene. As was the situation when legwarmers struggled to regain relevance a few years ago, not many modern women pull off the whole bangs thing, and it almost looked like they would disappear before a hero came along and took up their cause. Who can take the Shaggy Dog look and turn it around?

That’s why this bitch makes the big bucks.

Claw bangs, however, are not back. Someone please tell the parade float designer.

OMG Becky. Her butt. Is so. BIG.

Heidi tells the designers that they will be making a dress for the most important day in a woman’s life. So far this season we’ve suffered through “real women”, that big assed tiny dude from Good Morning America, and poor people. My sister’s biggest day was when she started getting boobies. I wouldn’t put it past this show to dedicate en entire episode to the training bra. Rami thinks they’ll be making wedding dresses, and when a short chunky shadow comes up on the runway screen, I fear he’s right. It’s always the short fat busted ones who get married first. Why is that?

The straight guy, trying to comprehend the squat shadow, guesses “midgets or Oompa Loomps.” Oompa Loomps? Wow. You are straight. A line of school girls in uniform parade down the runway while the designers giggle. Either Gossip Girl has been misinforming us about the physical standards in Manhattan private schools or…ah, that makes sense. They’re from Jersey.

This afternoon in Jersey, a pasty girl in Coke bottle glasses broke up with her Cabbage Patch Doll. XOXO, Gossip Girl.

VictorYA already looks like she’d cut herself if there were anything sharp handy, but when Heidi announces that today’s challenge will be to make a prom dress, she looks downright pissed. YAY! I just hope one of these girls is lucky enough to need one. Alright alright. That’s enough awkward girl jokes for one day. Let’s face it, we were all awkward girls at one time or another. I still am one. I ran into Intern Nick at the office today and started speaking fake Spanish for no reason at all.

The schoolgirls got to look over the designer’s portfolios and picked who they wanted to work with. Chris wonders who in their right mind would pick him since his portfolio consists of hundreds of fat guys dressed as different incarnations of Ethel Merman. I have my suspicions, but I already promised to lay off the young uns.

As names are read off, everyone tries to pretend like it’s gonna be fun working for the possible future knockout but current uggo not quite there yet teens. Everyone but, you guessed it…

Prom flashback? Me thinks someone was shorted a corsage.

Tim meets the designers in the workroom and tells them that just because the girls will doubtlessly have strong ideas about what they want, be sure to “show who you are as a designer.” Am I the only one hoping Ricky puts his teen in a crotchless spangled nightie with a feather and glitter headband? The girls are brought in, and Kit asks hers why she chose her as her designer. The girl really identified with her “edginess”, so Kit decides to make her something very modest. Come on! You’re Kit Pistol! Dye this twerps hair pink and push her boobs up to her nose. She didn’t pick you because of your virginal tastes, dumdum. By “edgy” she meant “slutty”. Make it work.

Straight Guy is from Jersey, so he knows exactly what teens there are like. He vows to add a back pocket for a can of Aqua Net and a velcro skirt for easy access, and then he tells his client that he’s straight straight straight not gay at all just purely a hundred percent hetero. And then they show his prom pic.

Was there ever a time when double piercings on a guy wasn’t totally gay?

Instead of asking her client why she chose her, VictorYA asks her “what made you think we could work well together?” HAHA. She can’t help it. She just has really poor people skills and that’s that. Her girl says that she wants to be honest: “I got the last pick.” HAHAHA. I had to pause the Tivo to get on my hands and knees and slap the floor. This show is killin me today.

Sweet P’s girl wants a plunging neckline and backline. “Like, below the waist.” Ah, Jersey. That doesn’t set alarm bells off in Sweet P’s head, but the fact that the girl wants ivory does. After all, it’s not her wedding day. Hopefully not even the day she’ll lose her virginity. Alright, Sweet P, I’ll go with you on that one, but only because I have a feeling the girl who wants the back of her dress to start below her waist probably lost her virginity a long time ago.



In some sort of sign that the Universe is fair and karma is real, Christian is assigned the biggest pain in the ass client of the bunch. The first thing she tells him is that she’s been a designer herself for a couple of years and when he shows her his sketch, she takes the pencil from him and starts amending his work. His bad haircut literally raises up on his head, making him look like a pissed off peacock. He stays calm and says that his client is “cute”, but she’s hellatacky, requesting gold, black, white, pearls, sparkles, rollers, lights, and a weave down to the back of her knees. Christian can stand a lot of things, but one thing he just cannot take is tackiness. Riiiight. Don’t tell that to your plastic pants, you might hurt their feelings.

“Wow. Must be nice to hope for the thing you wish to want… Sure beats doing it.” – Jerri Blank

When the teens leave, he balls up on the floor in the fetal position. Ah, Christian. I have a feeling you won’t be finishing first today. To make himself feel better, he brags to the other designers that he was voted best dressed at prom. I imagine him as the gay Ducky, and then they show this pic.

Back when his haircut made him cool enough to hang out with Janet Jackson.

The designers relax and have the most fun with this challenge as they can. Chris even pulls out some comedy gold. What would you call the Flinstones if they were gay? Fags. My Pawpaw tells that one! Only instead of Flinstones it’s just a general “people”. Somehow the Flinstones part makes it funnier.

The only one not in the spirit of Jersey Prom is Ricky. We haven’t seen him cry for no reason lately, so I hope today’s the day. He tells us that he grew up really poor and this challenge reminds him of his mama, who sewed all of his sisters tacky dresses by herself because they were so poor and if he won Project Runway so many doors would open for him that never would otherwise cuz he’s poor and as a poor kid any creative job was frowned upon because it doesn’t pay the rent when you’re POOR. Then he pulls out his Sidekick and calls his mom to tell her he’s working like a slave and WAAAAHHHH. OMG I’M SO POOORRRRRRRR!!!! Are you touched? He sure is. He’s sobbing so hard snot’s coming out of the gap in his teeth.

You’re gonna find this shocking, but Sweet P’s having trouble. She decided against the tacky shiny ivory her client wanted and went with tacky shiny champagne color instead, and since her dress is looking severely craptacular, she decides to go against her client’s requests for both a plunging neckline and a low back. She’s not going home because of some teenager, no way! She’s perfectly capable of getting sent home on her own merits.

At the start of the next day, a lot of the designers are feeling skerd. Christian did exactly what his little tyrant demanded, but it’s horrible, so he decides to make it more “him” by adding black lace and beadwork to the…whole thing. Yikes. He should have really made it more him and chopped the girl’s hair into the dykiest haircut ever so no one would notice the dress. Seriously, can you describe one single shirt Christian’s worn? Ever?

VictorYA’s not having much luck either. Since formless shirtdresses don’t normally show up at proms, she’s gone for form fitting and the same shade of blue in that stuff you put in the toilet to keep the water nice and fresh. She thinks it looks like something a really old Italian divorcee would wear. If she was trying to look like a thirteen year old gymnast. She’s in the dark, so thank god she’s made friends with the flame. Christian takes time from his own woes to help her out of her pickle. It’s cute that these two have formed a bond. They can be there to hold each other’s hands in the bottom three.

Tim comes in to tell them that it’s time to fit their models, but the girls are also joined by a special guest! It’s Tiki Barber’s wife! Kidding, but the real guests are just as bitchy. It’s the girls’ mothers. I’m sure you’ve all heard that you should never date a girl til you’ve met their moms, but I wonder if they have that saying in Jersey. If so, the guy who asked this girl to prom is brave and should be commended.

That growth spurts comin’ any day now. Keep a pair of Spanx and a facial waxing kit handy. You’ll need em.

Ricky, who is only touched by his own POOR mom, is annoyed that he has two Jersey bitches to deal with, so he tries to oversell his dress. He oohs and ahhs and holds the girl’s hair up, saying “girl, you look HOT!” The mom laughs uncomfortably and says “Now now, that’s my daughter!” That’s right, mom. You need boundaries with studs like Ricky. You never know when he’s gonna pounce on a vagina. He’s an animal. A super poor animal.

The mothers prove to be way more difficult than their spawn. Straight Guy’s mom thinks his halter dress makes her kid look pregnant, and he gently tries to explain that the 5,000 calorie a day diet she’s raised her kid on is what’s making her look like a cow. Not his dress. VictorYA’s kid loves her gymnast prom dress, but her mother looks horrified. VictorYA says that she was worried, but now that the kid likes it, she’s proud that she didn’t lower her standards as a designer. Cut to the dress literally being held together by scotch tape.

Chris’ mom is really cool. He asks what she thought of his drag portfolio and she says that he showed some real promise as a costume designer. Then he says that all those pics are of him!! HAHAHAH I feel like such a moron. I seriously thought he was just into photographing really fat guys in drag, when in fact he just likes taking pictures of his own self in drag!! And I thought he was crazy.

Aww! So Rikki Lake really isn’t making a comeback?

Sweet P’s dress came together nicely. The mom oohs and ahhs and Sweet P tells us “they both love it!” I don’t know about that. The girl is pissed off and doesn’t speak or smile once. All she wanted was her boobs and her ass hanging out. Is that too goddamn much to ask for?

Christian’s tyrant hates, HATES her dress. She starts waving her hand and rolling her head and sucking her teeth. Sweet P tries to explain to her and her mother that Christian is “the wonderkid”, but they ain’t buyin it. The back of the dress looks like it had to be taken out two sizes to fit the little heifer and it’s just a disaster. He wants to rip off the dress and give up, but thankfully he leaves the girl clothed. I poked my eyes bloody last week when I saw Ricky’s crack and there’s only so much I can take.

Sweet P feels that since her dress isn’t devastatingly awful this week she should win, because it’s “my tuuuurn!” She whines about being in the bottom all the time and Chris says “I’ve been kicked off.” HA. He’s on a roll today.

Tim comes around to check on progress. Straight Guy’s worried that the mom didn’t like his dress, but not worried enough to finish the hem of his dress. He must have looked over at Christian and VictorYA and decided there were other people that sucked more than him. Rami has come back with his braided toga-y bullshit. Tim worries that it might be too much like a Mom’s dress, but Rami brushes him off, saying he’s literally made this dress a thousand times (this season) and his client is happy, so he’s already won. Shut up, Rome. You were cancelled.

Tim doesn’t say much to VictorYA. What can he say? She’s gluing horrible plastic rhinestones onto an already horrible dress. He pats her on the head and whispers “you’re so fucked. Enjoy the Kraft table while you can.”

The one who really gets him pissy is Christian, who’s being a big cry baby Debbie Downer. Tim actually kind of likes the dress, but Christian reminds him that more people have died in Iraq than ten times the amount of people who died on 9/11. Tim says that there is plenty of fabric to save him and Christian asks what’s the point when another presidency’s about to come to a close with no end in sight to the Israel/Palestine conflict. Tim tells him to stop with the negativity and “rally”! What’s the point? Valerie Bertanelli’s been on Jenny Craig for about a year now and does she really look that different? It’s all hooooopeless!!

Alright Christian. You’ve got a point there.

Chris passes the rest of the day away by making funnies. What’s Kit Pistol’s mom’s name? Machine gun!! Straight Guy’s the only one who laughs. Figures. I liked the faggy Flinstones one better. Oh, wait. It’s not done. Back at the loft, Christian puts a giant orange towel on his head and calls himself Erica Bad-don’t. Wow. This episode is like a really long night in a really bad piano bar. YAY! I call “Don’t Rain on My Parade”!

Back at the workroom, the kids are sent in to try on their dresses and they are giddy and giggly. Jillian seems to hate them and wish they were dead, but everyone else reminisces about their own high school prom days. Ricky had a girlfriend back then (named Pablo) and he made her prom dress. Chris stayed home and got drunk and watched old movies (AW!) and Sweet P tells the girls that she was a Catholic school girl too, so take a look at where you’re gonna be in thirty years. Then all the girls start crying. Sweet P tells us, giggling and practically cheering, that she had a “great time at my prom, that’s all I’ll say.” Then they show her prom pic, and she looks scared shitless of her white trash bruiser of a date. Was this the night that her personality split into Sweet P and Mean P?

I have a feeling it wasn’t all fun and games in the back of that pickup truck.

The girls get into makeup and they look so cute. Amazing what makeup can do. Except for some people. Christian’s little tyrant just looks like the same little bitch from yesterday, just all grown up. His dress doesn’t look bad to me, but she looks like Star Jones the day she got fired from doing the red carpet on E! or whatever moronic channel decided Star Jones needed more airtime than she’d already been allowed. I hope the same fate awaits this little brat: public dismissal, divorce from a gay man, and a makeover that turns her into Urkel.

This past Thanksgiving I went over to a friend’s house who didn’t want skin on the turkey. She pulled at it and a bunch of it came off in one soggy slimy handful. I only tell you that so you can understand the gravity of what’s happening to Michael Kors. You have money, dude. Get that shit nipped and tucked and find a tanning bed. You look like someone’s melting the face off a Chucky doll. Rounding out the fall of the judges is Nina Garcia with bedhead AGAIN and Guest Judge Gilles Mendel, who looks like a retired Roberto Benigni. Life is beautiful, unless you’re really tired and grumpy and have to go judge a reality show. Get it together, judges. You’re pulling focus.

Time for the runway show! Sweet P’s up first, and her work is definitely improved from the last few weeks, but her teenager looks like she’s a knocked up girl in a midpriced nightie. Sweet P cries, as I imagine her model will when she sees her kangaroo pouch on national television.

VictorYA knew the form fitting thing wasn’t working, so she went back to her formless ways. Luckily for her, her gangly hilarious peace sign flashing string bean of a model might be charming enough to save her bony ass. Chris’ model is a knockout in his simple green flowy dress. I’m imressed!! It’s really pretty. There’s some weird key ring thing going on in the back, but that could come in handy at prom if you don’t wanna carry around a purse all night.

Straight Guy has done some pretty good work on this show, but not today. He tells us that he really took a chance on this one and was very daring. Oooh, an empire dress. You’re changing the world, man. His model looks like she bought a really cheap Betty Boop costume for Halloween and paid extra to have her ass look HUUUUGE. Maybe that’s in in Jersey. Otherwise, Straight Guy boned it.

Jillian made a simply, flowy bluish green dress with a paper mache layering thing going on in the boobie section. I can’t pay too much attention to the dress because I’m waiting to see her model fall on the high heels she’s struggling with. No cigar. It’s a pretty (boring) dress. I really wish that girl fell.

You know that part in Dreamgirls where Jennifer Hudson is all bitter and rejected and then finds a hit song that Jaimie Foxx steals and gives to Beyonce and then she finds out and tries to make it right but it’s too late cuz Jennifer Hudson is now too old to be a disco star but she works the stage cuz she know she won’t be on it much ever again? That’s how Christian’s little tyrant walks the runway in her poofy brown shiny dress. Now, this week that Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup wrapper dress may have made some real sense.

If the challenge was to design a dress for the head secretary of a traveling circuis, Kit Pistol would have won this thing hands down. But if her girl really wore this dress to her prom in Jersey she would get her ass whooped. Ricky’s dress isn’t slutty or streetwalker-y, which is a nice change. Today it’s just plain fug. He took a full figured girl and added a few inches. You know how when your pants were too long as a kid and your mom just folded them under cuz she didn’t know how to sew? That’s this whole dress. What a disaster. This girl’s gonna become a cutter when she sees this episode.

Rami tells us that he took a major risk with this dress but he’s glad he did! Risk? You’ve made this dress so many goddamn times in the past two months that I think I’ve learned to make it myself. Thanks for the education, but until someone hires me to sew costumes for a production of A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to the Forum, it’s useless knowledge. Please stop.

Kit, Jillian and Chris are excused from the runway. Sweet P is called out as one of the top 3. The judges like her color choice and think her girl looks gorgeous. Nina says it’s a little too sophisticated for a 17 year old, but begrudgingly gives Sweet P props. Nina hates Sweet P. Anyone else see it? I think she just has something against lip rings and tattoos and funny names. Just thinking out loud.

Nina hates Straight Guy’s color choice, which is funny because hers is almost identical. She says it makes the girl look old. Both of ya. Heidi calls it cheap looking and Kors brings up the hemline. The model is totally offended, which is hilarious. VictorYA is COMPLIMENTED. WTF?!?!? I’m sorry but that dress is cheap and hideous. All the Judges love it. That’s why I’m sitting here in Calvin K boxers with holes in em and baseball cap that says “Everyone Loves a HoHo” and they’re on TV. What. EVER.

Ricky tries to do the math. Will he be in the top or the bottom? Is now a bad time to cry and tell everyone his mom’s poor? Christian’s next. When Heidi asks him how he feels about his work, he says it was hard and his model was a bitch from Hell. The girl is mortified, as if it’s the first time she’s ever heard that she’s an insufferable brat. That said, SHUT UP, CHRISTIAN! Heidi is kind of grossed out by his lack of manners but says she likes the dress. Guest Judge Benigni says that their discord showed in the over labored dress and he says that he showed restraint and tells them about her insistence on lace and jewels all over everything. Nina says he needs some finesse and asks who raised him. Then she makes a pooping face and shakes her head. This woman never lets me down.

If my nanny was here I’d make her spank your dirty bottom.

Ricky figures that since Christian made an ass out of himself that he’s in the clear so when it’s his turn he practically jumps up and down, claiming that the dress is totally him and the little girl in him loves it! The Judges all smile politely and then they diss it. Heidi says his girl is washed out and the work is boring, Nina says his execution is just wrong, and Benigni hates the folded under bottom. Ricky gets all teary and starts mentally counting the change in his pocket. It’s gonna have to last him a loooooong time.

Rami, shocked that he isn’t in the top 3, starts sweating profusely. That he has immunity and was still called out in the bottom three is pretty awesome. Heidi says his dress is very “ladies who lunch” and I immediately think of Elaine Stritch and then I kind of like Rami. And… it’s gone. Nina tries to soften the blow and says that it’s too sophisticated. Rami argues that he is sophisticated. At all times. Then Kors says his model looks like an older lady and Rami says that he designs for older ladies so there. Shut the fuck up Rami. And I hope Jessica Alba didn’t just hear you call her an old lady or you’re gonna be joining Ricky’s family on their Sunday dumpster dive.

The Judges excuse them so they can diss them in private. They only liked two dresses, and those were Sweet P’s and VictorYA’s. Man, is that really the point we’ve come to this season? Rami’s an excuse making egomaniac, Christian’s a bitch, and Ricky hasn’t ever impressed them. When they mention Kevin, though, Kors yells “cheap!” HA.

I’d burn down my school first.

Victorya wins, which means we’ll be stuck with her prissy butt at least two more weeks. Ricky’s excused, followed by Rami. Christian is given a slap on the hand for being an a hole to his little tyrant, but in the end Straight Guy is sent home for making his girl look like a Phillipino dime a dance girl. He tries not to cry and promises the Judges he’ll see them “out there”. He might just be hailing a cab, or passing by on his bike, but he’ll see them dammit! In his exit interview, he’s a good sport. His last line? “Besides, I got a hug from Heidi Klum. There are worse things.” WE GET IT!!!!!!!

So guys, how do you feel this week? I am pretty surprised Straight Guy is out even though his dress blew. I figured he had a few more weeks in him. Is it because his family isn’t poor? You be the judges.

PS: Here’s an MP3 I made for you of the man, Tim Gunn, to use as a cell phone ring. Personally, I am using it for texts, so now random “Designers!” blurt out around me all day. Try it, it will be like he’s there with ya. Sometimes in a creepy way. LOVE