Project Runway: Avant’s Haaaaaaard!

This week on Project Runway, there was a lot of passive aggression, whining, and “fierce!”ing. Just another day in the gayest sweatshop on Earth.

I see a toga in your future.

Before I begin this week’s recap, I would like to apologize to New Jersey and Filipinos. We good?

I am afraid to even let this episode keep playing because it opens with a shot of a shirtless Ricky. Again, I don’t know who over at Bravo is so offended by my homosexuality that they would try to stab it out of me with invisible dirty ghetto needles, but please stop.

If CrazyFace was hear to hand measure, I’m guessing she would label those a solid B cup.

As Christian flat irons his hair (did you hear that? Stock for flat irons just went through the roof!), he whines about the fat little diva who “almost got me eliminated.” He knows his work was less than stellar, but there was waaaaay worse on the runway. Cut to Ricky. LOL, editors.

Heidi greets the designers on the runway in an adorable Audrey Hepburn tribute and wastes no time bringing out the models. Their hair is hideous. Not because every one of them has a different hairstyle from the past, but because the styles are really poorly executed. I suspect whoever did this to the models is responsible for Nina’s bedhead look. Was this a Shear Genius crossover challenge?

Hey! Yentl’s hair was on Rock of Love this week!

The challenge will be to design an avant garde outfit based on a hairstyle, and Christian is psyched because he will finally get a chance to shine. That’s good to hear, because I love Christian and he’s been pretty bore snore so far. I’ve been begging for a fag-out, and I think this might be the day. Two models have to hit the streets this week, and it sucks for them because it will be based on whose hair is the worst. Someone backstage must really hate the elven brunette chick. Sure enough, she ends up in the bottom three, along with Lisa Bonet and Yentl. NOOOOOO! Not YENTYL!!!

Poor girl. Surely someone could come up with a design based on split ends.

Ricky saves Yentl, which is embarrassing for me because I have to look him up on MySpace now and apologize for calling him Gap Tooth Fug. Eh, later. The designers meet Tim Gunn in the workroom, who looks more worried than usual. He explains that an avant garde look doesn’t have to be practical or even wearable (it’s your day, Ricky!), it just has to be awesome (sorry I take it back. You’re screwed. But thank you again). So why the down face? Tim pulls out a plexiglass crowd guard from the Rodney King riots of ’92 as he announces that today’s challenge will be a TEAM CHALLENGE!! YAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

How do you think he feels?

Poor Kit Pistol gets stuck with Ricky, Sweet P hits the jackpot (or so you’d think) with Rami, and Chris and Christian form the most non-ambiguously gay duo ever, leaving VictorYA with sweet passive Jillian to snack on. After telling them they have two days and three hundred bucks, Tim instructs the designers to choose a team leader and sends the models in before running to Nina’s suite at the Four Seasons for safety. No one will fuck with her.

Christian doesn’t want to be the team leader because he doesn’t want to be eliminated, which is selfish and hilarious. He and Chris both know he’s just gonna be a bossy c word either way, so he reluctantly takes the position and then sketches the entire thing out as Chris looks on and nods with a big smile on his face. Their team name? Team Fierce. Oy. Ricky takes charge of being rude and snappy to the model they won’t be using while Kit Pistol starts sketching. Her idea has to do with a birds nest. Hello, Kit. This is supposed to be based on the model’s hair, not yours.

Let’s make a dress out of roots and corn husks!

Sweet P stands back and oohs and ahhs as Rami sketches out his “Hard and Soft” idea. The sketch is of a chick in a bodice and pants with a meshy skirt and what looks like a Miss America sash. If any straight guy was hard for this woman, this outfit would surely turn him soft. Nice work, Ram!

The most entertaining couple is, as you probably predicted, VictorYA and Jillian. They both talk in gentle whispers, but they are not having each other. They chose the pony hawk (don’t even try to tell me that’s not Sanjaya’s influence on our culture. God help us), and as they brainstorm they sound like the NPR chicks on SNL fighting over Shweaty balls. VictorYA wants an 80′s punk look and Jillian sees something apocalyptic. This pairing should get you on your way there, J.

Finally, they flip for the boss spot and VictorYA wins. Jillian gets all red in the face and it’s killing me. She hasn’t shown much personality up to now, so it’s great to see her pissed. I predict hives. Quiet people always suffer from crap like that.

(whispering) Oh heck no.

Chris and Christian are having a gay ole time, creating layers or circular ruffles and a giant neckpiece. My friend Rach is afraid of clowns, and I picture her hiding behind her couch by the time the runway show comes around. The collar has all these wires coming out of it and gets so ridiculously high that Chris jokes he’s building a cell phone tower to reach Elisa. LOL. If anyone’ll be able to follow a trail of Reese’s Pieces to find the pot of crazy, it’s you Chris.

Christian, obviously, thinks their work is fabulous and fierce (please let fierce go. It’s OVER) and says that if he were a drag queen, his name would be “Ferosh”. I would love to see that. Christian would be the most awkward drag queen ever. I close my eyes and try to picture it but all I can see is Shane from The L Word.

“I got a better idea, Lezzy. When the lunch bell rings, why don’t you eat me?”-Jerri Blank

The whisper twins seem to be getting somewhere, but I have a feeling it’s not gonna be somewhere avant garde. I am impressed with Jillian’s will, because even though VictorYA won the flip in favor of her 80′s punk design, they are building a trench coat. So far it looks like McGruff the Crime dog after a diet and workout regimen.

Rami, who has shown us a testy holier than thou attitude so far, is becoming an all out whiny c word today. He talks to Sweet P like she’s his maid and orders her around. He’ll take care of bodice, she’ll do the pants. “Do you think you can handle that, senora? Porque si no puede obtener la cogida de mi casa, usted Freeloader.”

No tengo que aprovechar esta crap! Tan pronto como obtener mi tarjeta verde me corte este bastardo de la garganta y se muda a Hollywood!

At first, Sweet P just bites down on a pillow and takes it, but after he bitches and moans and whines all day long to anyone who’ll listen about her incompetence finishing such a simple task as pants (didn’t we learn a few weeks ago that pants are the hardest thing to sew?), she gets a little pissy to the cameras. I hope he keeps it up, because I’d love Mean P to wake up and knock his big sweaty block off. And ps, he’s making another drapey TOGA!!!

It’s not obvious what Ricky and Kit Pistol are making yet, or maybe I just couldn’t concentrate. Ricky tells the mannequin he’s gonna bone her and then she barfs all over him. Good for you, mannequin!

Mannequins have gag reflexes too.

The next morning, after shots of Rami trimming his chin hair and Ricky flashing his man boobs, the designers head back to Parsons thinking they’re almost done with an entire day to go. Sorry, suckas. Tim Gunn comes in to greet them wearing knight’s armor, which can’t be good. He announces that there will be a second look walking down the runway tomorrow, and this one will be a “ready to wear look that embodies the avant garde design.” Owie. Jillian gets red in the face and starts whispering to herself and Christian grabs a pair of scissors and tries to stab Tim through the armor.

The teams try to wrap their brains around the new challenge. Ricky assures Kit Pistol that he’ll just come up with a simple dress. It’s cake to him. He does it every day. Kit, who apparently hasn’t paid attention to anything Ricky has previously sent down the runway, agrees. Uh-oh. You know what Ricky does every day? Sucks. Christian and Chris are confident and FIERCE, and the whisper twins whisper pointedly over each other. It sounds like when the smoke monster’s about to kill someone on Lost.

Rami, who was a bitch face before he knew about the second challenge, is now a full on screaming egomaniacal baby pants. Sweet P comes up with an idea and Rami condescendingly tells her that navy isn’t for the daytime. She finally starts to show frustration and he coos and pats her head and tells her to go clean the toilets. Sweet P better speak up, because Rami’s the golden child and he’s already made it clear that he is going to sell her out come judging time. Fight, Mean P!

It’s hard to find good help these days. I’m going to the coliseum to reflect and fight a lion now.

Kit Pistol, Sweet P, Christian and Jillian get their asses to the store to go crazy with their fifty bucks and when they get back it’s straight to work with twelve hours left. Kit Pistol and Ricky are super confident in their Sound of Music dress (yikes), and it looks like the drag queen parade float builder might finally show his face today. Go, Christian!!

Jillian and VictorYA are still having a rough time and falling way behind, but it’s nothing compared to the mess over at Rami’s table. I don’t know if someone mentioned to him that he’s already made that dress or what, but he starts going nuts and pinning shit all over it. Sweet P tries to warn him that he’s going overboard, so he defensively adds a huge gold broach and instructs her to work on the second dress and the pants. She thinks this means she’ll get a bit of freedom, but he comes over to her table and talks down to her as loudly and whinily as possible. Sweet P cries, and even though Rami has been the better designer so far, I hope she kicks his ass.

A Tresemme stylist named Nathaniel comes in to announce that he will be helping them mold their hairstyles into an everyday woman look and whoever wins will be in Elle. I wonder if that prize ever starts to lose it’s luster. Gee, maybe you could throw in a gift certificate to Bluefly.com. Tim comes around to check on progress and while he finds Chris/tian’s avant garde look “staggering”, he’s dubious about their cheap looking second dress. Christian, of course, snaps his fingers and refuses to listen, telling us he’ll fight for it and blame the chubby teen diva from last week if he has to.

Oh no you didn’t. I’ll snap you like a Twix bar, Nancy.

Tim bursts Ricky and Kit Pistol’s bubble, saying that their dress is too costume-y. Ricky asks if adding a bunch of pink print silk to it will help, and Tim and I both say “NO” at the same time. Jinx! You owe me a Coke, Tim Gunn. They are flustered enough, so he leaves them to check on sweaty Rami and the toga of doom.

When Tim says that the dress is completely unsurprising, Rami first argues that he’s never done a corset showing through a toga. When that doesn’t work, he blames his crap performance on having to work with Sweet P!!! WHAT. A. DICKFACE. He’s nervous and sweaty and stuttery and he better work on his act, because no one’s gonna buy that that dress is Sweet P’s fault. Luckily for them, the whisper twins aren’t even close to finishing. Tim thinks their black satin trench is fabulous, but the outfit that goes under it is GAP Math Teacher. I cannot stress enough how hilarious it is to watch Jillian and VictorYA hate on each other in polite whispers. It’s killin me. “I think I’m gonna go sew with you.” “YAY!”

The next day is finish up time, and all goes as planned. Rami’s a whiny bitch, Christian thinks he’s fierce, and the whisper twins moan about how they didn’t have enough time. Runway show! But first, an ad for The Real Housewives of Orange County comes on and there’s gonna be some sort of tranny wedding. Is it too late to set a season recording?

Aw! Austin Scarlett found a man!

Rami and Sweet P’s work comes out first. Rami really tried to stretch today by adding pants to his usual bag of tricks, so now his toga just looks ridiculous. It’s not avant garde, it’s butt ugly. Sweet P’s ready to wear look is actually super cute, and it’s nice to see her beat him fair and square. Now if she’ll just kick him in the face I’ll officially come to her side.

Chris and Christian are up next, and I cheer when their avant garde look comes down the runway. FINALLY, Christian!! You just made every drag queen designer proud. Congrats. Their model looks like a beautiful white rose, or a house that got toilet papered. Either way, it’s dramatic. Nina Garcia is SMILING. I think this team deserves an Emmy. The second look is kinda slutty secretary at the end of fall, but for one day and fifty dollars it’s pretty sweet.

Kit Pistol and Rami’s dress looks like Cinderella before the hag in the pumpkin made her presentable. Get a steamer. The second look is really fug. They were told to tell a story, and I see one alright. Yentl’s mom wouldn’t let her dress provocatively in high school so she cut a cleavage hole in her Laura Ashley dress and hot glue gunned on a ribbon to keep it all together.

Jillian and VictorYA’s avante garde look is badass. The trench is slick and the pink lining looks great. The model opens it and has khaki cutoffs and a white shirt underneath which still looks GAP to me. It’s not avant garde, but they made a gorgeous coat. That has to count for something. The second look is white trash prom. Didn’t we do that last week? Kidding, Jersey! The poor model looks like she’s gotta bra strap showing and the back of her dress looks stuck in her underwear.

Heidi calls Rami, Sweet P, Ricky and Kit Pistol out as the bottom teams and tells them to get the hell off the runway so she can talk to the designers who didn’t suck it today. The judges gush all over Chris and Christian’s Ziegfeld Follies toilet paper miracle, and the boys give each other credit and props, which makes me like them even more. They are called out on their shoddy skirt, but no one gives them too much crap.

The judges also love VictorYA and Jillian’s trench and GAP punk ensemble. They even like the lame white trash prom dress! I’m sorry, but if I ever saw someone wearing that thing I would give them my spare change. The judges comment that the under outfit shouldn’t have been hidden and actually the girls brought three looks to the table. VictorYA giggles and says “that means we should win!” Christian gives her a death stare. Smack her! Do it! Before a winner is announced, the loozas are walked down the plank.

This pic doesn’t really belong here, but I had to point out that this hair is getting more dangerous every week. Thank you for your time.

Heidi asks Rami who did what and he takes credit for the corset flowy thing and gives Sweet P credit for the pants and the dress. The judges love her dress and say it’s more fashion forward than his. Nina, solidifying my love, asks him if he knows how to do anything else, and then Sweet P pipes up and says she wanted to really go wild on Rami’s dress but he was stubborn. He blames her, and then they stick their tongues out at each other and nanny boo boo and shoot out yo mamma jokes.

I didn’t mention the guest judge cuz she bored me, but since she’s suddenly become amusing, her name is Judge Ferretti. She says Kit and Ricky’s ball gown looks cheap. Then she says it looks like Scarlett O’Hara’s dress, but a cheap version. If she says cheap one more time I’m sending her a TVgasm baseball cap. Kors says at least the real Scarlett O’Hara took down the curtains and made a couture dress. Their Scarlett ripped the sheets off the bed and ran out of the house. LOL Kors.

Please shave.

Heidi rags on the construction of the dress and the wrinkly satin. Nina says she would never use that dress in her magazine and the second dress is equally as suck ass. Then she picks a boogar out of her nose, balls it up, and flicks it at them.

As usual, the Judges repeat the same ole same ole in private time, and then they call all the teams in and announce Chris and Christian as the winners. YAY!!! The fact that Chris is wearing his Fred Flinstone shirt and Christian is in cow hide boots and they made something that could win a challenge in fashion is just staggering and inspiring. It’s like Rocky. But tackier.

Even though we know there’s no chance in hell the judges are sending Rami home tonight, it’s exhilarating to see him skerd like a little bitch.

HAHA!

Jillian and VictorYA are excused, and then Ricky is excused!! WTF?!?!?!?!? Kit’s going down for this? Sure enough, Sweet P is excused and Rami is slapped on the hand for being a bitch to her. And Kit’s a goner. So wrong!! Who is Ricky fucking? One of you has to know.

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The above was a message from my forehead. Overall, I think this was some of the best work we’ve seen this season. I was happy to see Christian bloom into the giant flower that he is and was highly amused by the whisper twins. How bout you? Next week, Ricky sobs, Chris says fierce, and Jillian whines for the third week in a row about how pressured she feels and how behind she is. And I think it’s a trash challenge! HOLLA!

Me too.