This week on Project Runway, Ricky grew up poor.
VictorYA starts the episode by being the rudest most insensitive c word in the world while pretending to be a sweet little bimbo. She asks Sweet P “do you want more coffee, Kit?” Sweet P moans. “Sorry. Are you hungry, Kit?” Sweet P sobs. I have a feeling the editors cut out the last part. “That’s right! Kit’s GOOOONE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!”
Poor little poor Ricky is trying to be excited to still be around this week, but it’s hard to be excited when challenge after challenge you’re told you’re not good enough. Well, hopefully you’ll just have to hear that one more time. The designers are all a bit sour today, and the stress is starting to show on everyone, even Christian. At least I hope that’s his excuse for this ensemble.
Now I’m stressed.
After the designers gather to watch Christian decide which model lives and which will be sent of to the jerky factory (he cuts the one with Northern Exposure hair and sends her off with a completely insincere “thank you more than life!”, saving Yentl once again. HOLLA!), Heidi sends them off to meet Tim Gunn, who will tell them about today’s field trip.
Rami breaks it down for us. You never know what the field trip will be. Maybe it’s dumpster diving and having to make a fabulous dress or maybe it’s being flown to Paris for a couture challenge! Then you can all tattoo your necks, get “turned on” by your creations, and make Angela’s mom cry. Today’s challenge: relive all of Season 3 in one hour. Dumbass.
Tim hops in a van with all the designers and Christian is mortified to go over the Brooklyn Bridge into a gasp “borough”. Aren’t you from Baltimore, Blank? Get off your horse. I lived in Brooklyn for four years and it’s the only place I know of that your haircut might still have a fighting chance.
They are brought to a huge warehouse on the pier, where they are met by the Senior VP of Levi’s. Jillian tells us she has no idea what the challenge could be. Imagine the shock on her face when the chick who runs Levi’s announces a denim challenge. The warehouse is full of jeans and bolts of white cotton, and the task is to create “an iconic denim look” that Levi’s is famous for. Levi’s is famous for that? I thought they were famous for cutting jeans in a way that guys with fat thighs will always feel left out in the cold.
Speaking of fat thighs left out in the cold, the jeans are hung up very far away and it’s first come first serve, which means Chris, again, is screwed. Poor guy. Sweet P loses her shoe as she runs, and between the sight of her dirty foot and Chris flapping all over the place as he tries to sprint, I put down the slice of Little Caesars in my hand and sigh relief. This show has brought me back from the brink of diet disaster. Have I mentioned I’ve gained two pounds? WTF?
For those of you with a foot fetish, this should cure you. You’re welcome.
The floor is practically made of dirt, but thankfully Ricky doesn’t perform a monologue about the dirt floor his mom inevitably raised him on. He’s too busy running like a woman on fire to get as much denim into his laundry bag. Rami goes for the darkest, Jillian goes for the lightest, and Chris goes for anything he doesn’t have to jump to get ahold of. He sees a pair of jeans on the ground and goes to get them, but VictorYA blocks him, insisting that she thinks they’re hers. Instead of slapping her like the little bitch she is, Chris wanders around the warehouse waiting for more clothes to fall off the lines. Classy, VictorYA.
Back at the warehouse, Jillian starts to work on a jacket that looks suspiciously like last week’s as Ricky tells us that no one understands denim like he does. That he says this while wearing jorts and claiming to make his own hideous hats out of denim just kills me. Then guess what he does? CRIES!
Rami figures he’s got a leg up in this competition because he’s not an American designer. He grew up in a conflict ridden Jerusalem, which made him want to sit inside and sketch all the time. I love when people brag about not being from America while they’re begging for approval from Americans. This guy is seriously pissing me off. Anyway, not being American means he’s more “fashion forward” and “edgy” than his peers. How does being from Jerusalem make you “edgy”? It does, however, explain the draping.
Birth of Edge
Sweet P’s jeans are all filthy, so she asks Chris for advice. He thinks she should just finish her work and then damp cloth it. Christian butts in that it’s moronic to suggest wetting jeans and she should dry dust it all now. Chris stupidly argues, and Christian starts snapping and rolling his head and spouting lines from Mommy Dearest. When he finishes his “don’t fuck with me, fellas! This ain’t my first time at the rodeo!” performance, Chris just says “obviously you’ve never been paid as a stylist” and leaves it at that. Hello, he was paid to design for hair shows in Baltimore. I think that qualifies him to give advice on…sorry I couldn’t come up with anything that would qualify him to give advice on. Perms? The Rachel? Split ends?
Everyone pretty much agrees that they like Christian but he’s truly a little bitch face. Rami says he’s like a cartoon character that won’t stop bitching and moaning for a second. Montage of Christian bitching and moaning non-stop about how lame and “barfarrific” this challenge is. Chris tells his dress form that they should give Christian a bottle and put him to bed. I think you should slap the shit out of him, but we all deal with infants in different ways.
“I’m not here to express myself. I’m here to say something.”
Halfway into the challenge, the whisper twins realize they are both making the exact coat they made last week, and they are both fighting mad. You know because they whisper more quietly than usual. It sounds like someone turned on the air conditioner. VictorYA tells us that she was inspired to design as a girl, because she would sketch something and her mother would sew it beautifully. Shoulda made you sew it, you brat. It explains why eighty percent of your work is completely formless.
Sweet P is making a wedding dress, which seems like a good idea until they show a pic of her in her own wedding dress. Unfortunately she can’t use decades of time gone by as an excuse for this, because she just got married a year ago. With claw hair. Is anyone else surprised that she’s standing next to a dude in this photo? Sorry, but come on now. We have stereotypes so we can tell each other apart, and Sweet P’s whole look is just unfair to homos everywhere. Sage and Sweet P. This couple is like my Meemaw’s cupboard.
Don’t judge a book by it’s skin art.
Chris and Christian talk about how lonely it is with so many designers gone. Some really great people left, and some really annoying people are still here. Enter Ricky. Christian makes an audible “blech”. LOL. He may be an asshole, but he’s a funny asshole. Christian tells us (as if we haven’t been watching for eight weeks) that Ricky’s still being there is a joke and he has no vision. Ricky knows that no one respects him because he’s always on the bottom, but some guys are just built that way. Why try to be a top when you just wanna lie down and get it over with?
He tells us that he knows for a fact that he’s a great designer because he’s assisted some huge names in their lingerie lines. I assisted Daniel Day Lewis one time by bringing him his dinner at the restaurant I work for. I can’t wait to receive my Oscar.
Chris is left alone in the workroom for a bit while everyone else sews, and they wonder if he’s lonely. Christian suspects he’s in the other room talking to himself like a crackhead. He’s not talking to himself, you bitch. He’s talking to his dress, telling it it’s good enough, smart enough, and people like it. In the sewing room, Christian rambles on about how crazy it is that Chris talks to himself. No one is listening, leaving Christian talking to himself too. Wow, this episode is a thrill ride.
Nice ass, you dirty whore.
Tim comes in to check on progress. Am I the only one who gets uncomfortable seeing Tim in jeans? It’s just not right. No one’s told him they aren’t supposed to be worn around your rib cage and he looks like a gay dad who’s trying to be “cool”. It’s unfair, but it’s hard for me to take him seriously looking like that. Anyhoo, he starts with Ricky. He says that if he “finishes it off”, it will be stunning. Then Ricky gets on his knees to finish it off. He’s gross, but the boy can follow directions, and it’s the first time Tim’s smiled this whole hour.
Chris has a weird curvy piece running up the side of his cocktail dress that Tim doesn’t like, so he tells his dress form that Tim’s a lame old queen and he’s not going to listen to him. The dress high fives him and tells Tim to suck it. Rule number one on Project Runway: DON’T IGNORE TIM GUNN! Mom jeans or not.
Jillian explains that she’s going for a futuristic coat (that she made in the past), and Tim suggests she get her ass in gear as she’s nowhere near finished. He takes one look at the zipper running up Rami’s mini skirt and says everyone’s gonna be blown away. Rami reminds him that it’s not nice to use that phrase with someone from a war torn country, and Tim is mortified. He keeps that look on his face to observe Sweet P’s work. At first, all he can say is “mmmhmmmm”, but then he throws up on it and tells her to start over.
With only a few minutes left, Jillian starts losing it. She has whined every single week that she’s not gonna finish and then she comes out with something great. Little girl who cried wolf syndrome. I don’t believe her for a second, even when she starts crying. I don’t see tears, faker! She says that she keeps stabbing herself over and over with a needle and she’s bleeding everywhere and Rami comes over and calls her out. “Where? I don’t see it.” LOL. Shut up, Jillian. Some of the designs so far seem like bad choices, but none are as potentially disastrous as this one:
Who put a flying Eva Longoria in a movie?
The next morning, no one is confident. Everything is still looking like a big mess, but Christian says if Nina gives him any lip he’ll jump off the runway and strangle her ass. Anyone else woot wooting like they’re at a football game hoping Christian crosses the goal line and makes a basket? The girls basically let Sweet P know they hate her by letting her leave the loft dressed like this.
The models arrive for their fittings and the hot glue guns come out. The whisper twins pretty much made the same dress and Chris just made a slutty tube skirt, but I’m hoping Ricky’s yet to be seen work will out crap them all. He tells his model that he doesn’t give a f what the judges think anymore because he thinks it’s fabulous. Closeup of frayed edges and strings hanging out all over the place. LOL editors.
Seriously? Get this bitch off my TV!!
Time for the runway! You know what that means. Drag Nina out of bed, pin Kor’s skin behind his scalp, and make sure the Guest Judge looks crappier than the other two so she doesn’t upstage them. She looks like a star of Veggie Tales.
The simplest of the dresses walk the plank first. Chris’ mini isn’t as bad as Tim led us to believe it was, but it’s pretty simple and boring. I guess you can’t toilet paper a skinny chick every week. Ricky also did a tight mini, but he added the obligatory chichi ruffle along the hemline. No matter what Ricky puts on his girls, they always look like they’ll blow you for a ride downtown.
Sweet P took Tim’s advice, and it saved her work. Her hideous wedding gown has been transformed into a That Girl patterned dress, and it’s pretty cute. Especially considering it was on it’s way to brother and sister wedding in Arkansas.
VictorYA went back to her formless roots with her trench mini. Her dress looks like a detective costume on Women’s Murder Club would look if it were performed in a super cheap community theater instead of on NBC. Who says you can’t be a brilliant girly detective?
Tim thought Rami’s work was going to be brilliant, but his cheerleader skirt bunches around his models hips, making her look like she lost some weight but can’t afford a new skirt yet. His collar is futuristic and nouveau, ie he had no idea how to finish it off so he made it curvy. They’ll probably love it, but it’s fug to me.
Christian describes his work as “FIERCE”, which makes me throw my empty chocolate milk container at the TV, but the outfit does look pretty good. He made a new pair of jeans with jacket sleeves as the bottoms and they fit his model perfectly. The jacket is princess on a motorcycle, and it works for his girl. He talks a big game, so why does he look like he’s gonna barf?
I can’t help but think he’s staring at Kors’ face and praying to God that fate doesn’t befall him.
And wow. Jillian literally made the exact same trench as VictorYA, except hers fits a bit better and she glued tiny leather rectangles to a shoulder. Oy. It’s a whisper twin smackdown. You both lose.
There will be no immunity from now on, and to make it even harrier, they all have to stay on the runway together. The judges all love Christian’s trucker look, calling it innovative, original, and brilliant. He’s gonna be a joy to be around for the next week.
Chris isn’t so lucky. The judges call his look dated and home sewn. Rami bends over to get the usual smoke blown up his ass. Sophisticated, clean, original and so on. No one calls him out on the horrid fit of the skirt. The judges stay on the delusion train and give Ricky glowing revues. Impeccable! Fantastic! Fits her like a glove!! I know from personal experience what it’s like to get really fat and pop out of my jeans, and this closeup gives me flashbacks.
To this morning.
I don’t get it. Ricky says thank you and otherwise stays quiet. Kidding! He sobs like Ty Pennington showed up to give him an Extreme Makeover. Teeth first, house second. Heidi asks him why he’s acting like a little girl and he says that this whole thing is like a roller coaster and he never knows whether or not he sucks. Lemme help you out on that one.
No one is impressed with Jillian’s jacket. It’s overcomplicated and makes the model look like a heifer. Sweet P’s dress, though, is chick and “magical”. Aw! I like when Sweet P doesn’t bone it. Heidi says it’s very slimming on her model. Slimming? The girl’s as thick as a forearm. The judges really pan VictorYA, saying it looks like she just changed a jean jacket a bit and added an ill fitting skirt. Then Jillian sticks out her tongue and whispers “nanny boo boo, bitch.”
The judges repeat the same ole same ole in private time. They loved Ricky, Christian and Sweet P, and Rami “wasn’t so bad” either. LOL, Heidi. They weren’t so into Jillian and they hated VictorYA, but when Kors likens Chris’ work to Joan Cusack in Working Girl, I’m afraid that’s the last nail in his coffin. That’s one of the worst things you can ever tell someone. Man it’s hard to concentrate. Is anyone else staring at Heidi’s rack?
Or do I just have mommy issues?
Ricky not only wins this challenge, but his dress will be sold on Levis.com! I’m sure hookers who work the rodeo circuit will be thrilled. He cries and giggles and shows us his empty pockets and then goes to write his Wikipedia page. I’m sorry, but EW. Christian feels the same way, and doesn’t hide the “areyoufuckingseriousiwillkillthiscwordhackqueen” on his face. He is commended for his good work and sent to the holding tank, and Sweet P is complimented also even though she’s dressed like a chorus girl from 42nd Street.
Shake it til ya make it, kid.
Chris is safe, leaving the whisper twins in the bottom! And VictorYA’s OUT! HOLLA! Later biatch. She whispers to us for the millionth time that she’s a competitive person and she wants her work to speak for itself. Mission Accomplished.
Next week’s challenge is to design for either porn stars or babies. Or baby porn stars. Time will tell. HEART