Project Runway: You Fight Like a Girl

Last week, Project Runway wasn’t on because it was too busy bingeing on drugs. How else can you explain this episode?

You can’t explain it. But you can’t really look away, either.

We start this week by checking in on the designers at home. Over in the girl’s loft, Jillian (not crying or poking herself with needles) expresses to Sweet P how important it is for at least one actual girl make it to Bryant Park. That’s a great idea, Jillian. I have a tip for ya. Stop crying and poking yourself with needles.

Christian puts his feet up on the bed and muses about how some people don’t deserve to be there. Ricky’s work wasn’t even seamed last week, so WTF? He’s right, but I can’t moan about the injustice right now because I am staring at the kid’s huge boots. Why Christian, I woulda never thunk it. You know what they say about guys who have big boots, don’t you?

They have very pointy penises.

Ricky knows that people think he’s unworthy. He also knows exactly why he’s lasted through nine episodes and figures he’ll just keep on doing what he’s been doing all along. He’ll cry. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

But it is broke, so please. Fix it!

Since Ricky won last week’s challenge (I’m just going to type that over and over again until it makes sense), he gets to decide whether to keep his winning model or ditch her ass and steal someone else’s girl. He has a very evil glare in his eyes as he holds the fate of my favorite model in his hands, and I shake my fists to the ceiling at the injustice of it all. These poor two models. They have both overcome really large noses to rise to the almost top. I hadn’t noticed this other schnoz, but I still root for Yentl because the blonde girl just has a plain ole big nose. Yentyl looks like she’s been through some serious fights to earn her honker.

See the difference?

I have to put our differences aside on this one, because Ricky does the heroic thing and saves Yentl from the block. Wait, if he had dropped her someone else could have picked her up. Now she’s just gonna be eliminated tonight anyway. You bastard!

Heidi, dressed like a penny, asks the designers if they are ready for their next challenge. “Well, too bad!” Oh, man! She got me that time! I love that it’s season 4 and Heidi still can’t say a line without stopping in the middle to count the words on her fingers to make sure she’s remembering them all. Tim, will, meet, you….uh….uh….

Tomorrow!

That night at home, the designers make awkward small talk and guess what the challenge will be. Or Sweet P does, at least. She thinks it will be a cocktail dress because of what Heidi was wearing. Uh…Like last week when she wore denim and the other week where she wore a teenage girl’s prom dress or an ex fatty’s fitted sports coat. Dumbass. Oooohhh, it could be a swimsuit challenge! Rami bangs her upside the head with the hot iron she’s using and says “ew.”

The next morning, Tim comes to get them (in a suit, yay) and takes them to their secret location. Christian asks if it will be fierce and it better be fierce. Fierce. Tim nods like “you kids and your slang” as he leads them to the doors to the runway. There are loud noises of women grunting and screaming and throwing things around. At first I think the challenge must be to design school clothes for all of Ricky’s fighting sisters to take some of the burden off his poor mom in an Extreme Home Makeover crossover, but thankfully, the chicks on the runway are just a bunch of female wrestlers. Wait. Huh? Rami is confused, too. He sees the whorish women wresting in a boxing ring, but he still has to ask “Where’s this going?” You’re gonna have to fight a chick, dodo. Where do you think?

In the last episode’s comments section, our own lovely Giffordsaz told me that this week was going to be about women wrestlers and I just thought she was talking crazy, because let’s face it, she does that a lot. Sorry, Giff. You were right and I was wrong. Don’t expect to ever hear that again. Anyway, I thought that the designers would be horrified at this challenge, but when they see that the girls are all dressed like Tranny Barbies and performing such risky skillful moves as bouncing up on each other and shaking their big fake boobies, they get into the cheese factor. Who says the WWE is fake? I’ve seen lots of girls fight like this!

Ugh. Aren’t we in the final stretch here? Is this show fucking kidding me? You’re asking the final six to make the most hideous, tackiest outfits they can dream up, which of course gives Ricky the edge. Who is that dude blowing at Bravo and how hard up is the poor old guy? This is getting out of control.

Tim gets in the ring and introduces the girls, commenting that as Christian would say, “fierce, indeed.” LOL, Gunn. The girls all have their roles: the girl next door (if you live in the red light district), rock/glam girl (Charo), the leather and lace girl, sporty spice, the funky dancer, and the current champion of ladies WWE, who is of course the biggest slut out of all of them. She rips off her evening jacket and wow. Those are quite possibly the fakest boobs I’ve ever seen. And I live in LA. She should get her money back.

I hope you kept the receipt for those.

The designers get to choose their own wrestlers. Ricky, who won last week’s challenge (sorry, not my fault) gets to choose first, and he goes with the Latina dancer chick. Jillian takes Sporty Spice, Chris takes Charo, Chris gets the leather chick, Sweet P takes the reigning whore ( who throws her arms over her head and shakes her chest like she’s practiced all day. I am hating this chick. She’ll be trouble, mark my words), and Rami gets stuck with the girl next door. For once I actually want him to drape his model. Heavily. She looks like she’s freezing.

They get thirty minutes to sketch out their hos and all the words you’d expect to hear are thrown around: gold, spandex, tight, hot, slutty, tranny, suckyfucky, they’re real, it smells like ass in here, why me?, I can’t do it, fierce, no seriously they’re real, get off my face…you get the drift. The best part is when Chris’ rock/glam girl flirts with him like he’s really gonna give her a dollar. Slutty girls are ready to be used by anyone.

You’re barking up the wrong trunk, Charo.

Mood is dissed today for the Spandex House. How can you not love that there is actually a store called Spandex house? I get a little worried when Chris makes his way to a huge bolt of the exact same fabric his model was wearing earlier, but I feel so much better when they get back to the workroom and Rami is using hot pink spandex to DRAPE his form! LOLOLLL. I love it. This guy sticks to his guns, you gotta give him that.

While Christian plays around with his pleather chaps and loops “fierce” over and over again, he takes the time to tell Sweet P that she chose hideous dayglo fabrics and says it looks like she’s going for tranny ice queen. You’d think that would appeal to a boy with eighties dyke hair, bright red jeans and pleather chaps. Christian’s a bitch, but again, he’s right. Sweet P adds a huge white feather boa to the ensemble and even Chris looks at her like she’s the tackiest woman who ever walked the Earth. Uh-oh. The drag queen parade float designer thinks you over did it. Turn back! Turn back!

Please, Sweet P! Think it through!

The next day, the mood in the work room is relaxed and fun. Every outfit is looking hideously cheesy, so they’re all on track. And then Sweet P and Christian arm wrestle. When he wins, I look up to the heavens and shake my head. Now I really have seen it all.

Tim brings the models in for a fitting and everyone is shocked to see them in real clothes. I once knew a stripper who looked like dog poo in the morning and made a thousand dollars at night, but these girls actually look better out of their work clothes. Chris’ diva loves her “tiger in a cage” number and screams and jumps around, almost knocking Chris over with her boobs of death, and Rami offsets his nasty pink outfit with lots of complements on his girl’s body. Sweet P, however, is completely boning it.

Tim tells her (right on the money) that she’s made the reigning WWE champ look like she’s Hulk Hogan’s nurse. The girl wants more rhinestones! More star shaped holes in the butt area! More feathers! Sweet P is mortified. Get off your horse, P. Your back doesn’t exactly scream class. Shut up and make it work, lady! Ricky’s made a telenovela bikini in bright orange which mortifies Tim, and Christian made the sixth version of that fucking jacket he loves so much. Even on a WWE chick he’s working those pleats and puffy sleeves. Most unique challenge ever, and still the same old crap.

When Tim leaves, it’s back to work. Sweet P, the queen of small talk, asks everyone what their diva names would be. Hers is Spread Eagle and her move is “the thighs”. Chris’ is Wonder Woman and his power will be crushing people with his huge breasts. As if that’s not already your power. And dude, Wonder Woman is already a diva. You better hope Linda Carter doesn’t watch this or your ass is grass. Christian’s name is Ferocia Cotura, and her move is spraying people in the eyes with hairspray, biting them in the back, and drowning them in eighties slang. Does anyone else kinda want Sweet P to crush him with her thighs right now?

Tim comes back towards the end of the day to check on progress again. Ricky still doesn’t know his elbow from his ass crack and Rami is still sweating all over his draped hot pink mess. Jillian’s blue strappy thing goes over well with him and he calls Christian’s jacket fierce. UGH STOP WITH THAT! Now you’ve even brainwashed my Tim Gunn! He gets kinda angry when he gets to Sweet P, going so far as to call her work Eva Gabor in Green Acres. LOL, Gunn. That’s why you make the big bucks. And that’s why Eva Gabor doesn’t. That shit is just gross lookin’.

Later, Sweet P starts crying at the sewing machine and Christian comes to give her a pep talk. He says that her work is close, she just needs to believe in herself and really bring it home. Just kidding! He tells her it’s hideous.

“You wanna wake up in a public bathroom, lying in a pool of what you HOPE is your own filth?” -Jerri Blank.

The next day the internet models come in for their final fittings. Sweet P does better than I thought she’d do with the Head Ho. And by that I mean she didn’t get cut with a pair of scissors. Christian’s wrestler loves her outfit, as does Jillian’s. Ricky decided to fix his bathing suit by sewing a gold rip away dress so ugly you wouldn’t even notice that the girl looks like a pool waitress at Caesar’s Palace. On Halloween. She worries that the ill fitting bottoms might make her love handles look bad. He laughs and asks “what love handles?”

The ones you gave her.

I usually don’t give a crap about the guest judges, but today there are two and it’s HEATHERETTE!! LOL, of course. How can you not love em? Their names are Richie Rich and Traver Rains. If these two don’t make you wanna run out and fuck a stranger, you’re prude beyond repair. If you want to see why I am in camp love, check out their line here.

No matter how gay I am, I will always look like Butch Cassidy next to these two. I will invite them everywhere for the rest of my life.

The Judges are in love too. Kors got new facial hair and Nina hand patted her hair when she rolled out of bed before judging. Christian’s up first. His leather and lace look is pretty tight. His model looks much classier than she did in the ring, in the way that Ru Paul is classier than Divine Brown. Her hair also looks fantastic. Kudos to the Loreal guys. Nina? Yes, he’s done the jacket a thousand times, but as least it’s made well. And then she rips off the jacket and turns around. Holy T and A, Batman.

Jillian, too, managed to elevate her model’s look. She had Sporty Spice, who now looks like a superhero. Or a Laugh In girl. And who doesn’t want to see Goldie Hawn kick the living shit out of someone? Did these girls show this much ass with their own outfits? Just in case there are any straight guys reading this, here’s some butt for ya. Don’t accuse me of ignoring you.

Ricky’s next, and his model looks like she’s about to get a haircut in Trump Tower. As if she knows the cape is hideous, she rips it off so fast we barely get a glimpse of it and then walks the shit out of that bad, bad, bathing suit. This girl’s got some serious attitude, but will it be enough to save Ricky? If not, maybe the huge chunky plastic orange bracelets he accessorized her with will. Oy.

As the tiger in a cage walks, Chris tells us that he loves his outfit and wishes he could wear it. I wish you would. She, too, has a cape, but hers is leopard print and has a hood. Aw! I imagine her going to sleep at night in that outfit and covering herself with Chris’ matching shirt as a duvet. The look is cheap, but not really in a good way. Poor Charo. She looks like the front packaging of one of those five dollar costumes you buy at Target when you’re invited to a party at the last minute. You. Not me. The hoodie’s pretty cool, but I dunno about this one.

Hey, this is off the subject, but I just noticed that Richie Rich will probably look like Shirley MacLaine when he gets older.

Sweet P says for the fourth time this hour that her model’s art is “robe and reveal”, which sounds like the most retarded art form ever, besides belly dancing. Come on, admit it. Belly dancing is ridonk. Who came up with that? Anyhoo, this girl does the robe and reveal with panache, which cracks Kors and Garcia up. Me too. Sweet P’s work isn’t half as bad as it could have been, and is almost kinda classy (or maybe it’s because this model is the first without an ass shot). Her girl looks innocent, in that I’ll blow ya for free because you look sad just don’t tell my boss kind of a way. Maybe it’s because we were told how terrible this outfit was for an hour, but it doesn’t look so bad to me. Good tactic, stolen from Jillian’s playbook. It’s why I always tell everyone I’m five hundred pounds. When we meet, they’ll be like “OMG you’re totally not that fat.” Works every time.

Rami…oh Rami. Oh, good Lord, Rami. His poor model has it all. A tight body. Huge boobs, perfect butt. And a horrible thing has been done to her. Rami says that he is afraid because this is not what he normally does as a designer. There are way more valid reasons to be afraid today, tiger. I would call her tummy medicine, but a bottle of Pepto would earn more money dancing in a club than this poor thing. Aw. Shame on you, Rami. Oh wait, she’s ripping off the little skirt to reveal…another layer of fug. Man, you are lucky Ricky’s still here.

The designers are all kept on the runway and the divas are brought out. Kors says he feels like a fish out of water around so many breasts. Once he stops giggling and poking himself in the eyes, he complements Jillian on making her model look like a sporty, classic wrestler instead of a plain ole slag. Richie Rich loves the booty shorts, and Jillian says he can borrow them. Everyone laughs. Not Christian. He looks furious and confused that anyone besides him is getting laughs and compliments without making the same jacket every week and looping fierce.

Oh, now, you can borrow them too.

Kors tiptoes around Rami, which means he will not be eliminated tonight. He says that with the girl next door, he expected some Americana, and there is none. Nina says flat out that she hates the color. Rami puts up a brave front, saying that he chose a “controversial” color. Is murder controversial? No. It’s just. Plain. Wrong. Nina rolls her eyes and says it’s not her favorite, and she’s sorry. Why is everyone so sorry? It’s not the first time he’s sucked it. Stop believing your own Rami’s the best thing since challa propoganda, PR!

Richie Rich loves Christians leather and lace outfit. He says that the girl looks like she’s gonna get the job done and pick up a couple men on the way. She says “that’s usually the plan”. LOL and yikes, Divine Brown. Heidi says that she would be afraid to fight Divine in the ring, which I don’t buy. Heidi Klum doesn’t take any kind of crap off anyone.

Sweet P immediately spouts off her mantra for the day: “robe and reveal”. Ugh. No one buys it. Richie says it looks unfinished, and the robe looks too bare and cheap. Then the Head Ho throws Sweet P under the bus and says that she would have liked to be covered up a bit more. That has to be the first time she’s ever said that out loud.

The judges all agree that Chris’ leopard print and glitter hoodie looks fabulous and expensive and I am happy for the guy. He’s stepped it up. Then it’s Ricky’s turn and everyone laughs and throws their Diet Coke cans at his head. Wait that was just me, but they’re not much nicer. It looks like a bathing suit and the outer cape was like a box. Violins play as Ricky asks for change to help fix his broken down car a few blocks away, but it’s too late. They hate it.

It would be sexist of me to ignore this ass just because it’s a boy’s. You’re welcome. Again.

The judges take some time alone to repeat everything they said on the runway and add a couple of “fabulous”es and “oh no he didn’t”‘s and then call the designers back. Christian smiles as the Judges announce…Chris as the winner!! HOLLA!! I didn’t see that one coming and don’t agree in the slightest, but I love Chris so right on. Christian looks at the floor and does his best not to scream.

Sweet P and Ricky are in the bottom two (aw, Rami. So close!) and just as I prepare to yell and write Bravo accusing them of favoritism, Ricky is aufed!

Oh, man, you guys. I was gonna write a whole outro paragraph but I can’t because I keep slapping myself to make sure it’s real. YAAAAYYYYY. But no. Wait. Ricky not making it to the finals means we won’t get to see him at home and meet his family. WTF? NO FAIR!! Bring him back! Who doesn’t need a horrid bathing suit to spice up their wrestling life? And why isn’t Ricky sobbing and cursing and losing his shit? This show’s a rip off.

Aw, go make a hat. You’ll feel better.