Project Runway: Oh, Man. That is Soooo 1616.

This week on Project Runway, it’s all about the art.

Sweet P, like a lot of us, is completely shocked (yet again) that she wasn’t sent home last week. Thankfully, God took some time away from saving AIDS babies in Darfur and making sure Britney was getting back on track to turn his eye to the Bravo network. Sorry Ricky, back to your studio apartment with your thirteen brothers and sisters. God said.

Rami, who truly impressed last week by managing to use his draping tequnique even in a WWF challenge, tries to forget his hot pink nightmare and concentrate on the positive things in life. A.) He’s not dodging suicide bombers in Israel, B.) The judges are and have always been in inexplicable love with him meaning he is a shoe in for the finals, and C.) Jessica Alba.

Dearest Jessica, I can’t wait to pin lots of loose fitting silk all around you and maybe make a braided belt. Miss you love you call you the sec I get my BBerry back. Hearts and shaloms, Rami.

When Ricky got the boot up his ass last week I knew I would be saying goodbye to my favorite model. DAMN YOU Ricky!! If he hadn’t stolen her in the first place she would still have a chance. I don’t know if that’s sensical at all, but I’m sticking with it. It’s all a pick the shortest straw game for these poor girls anyway, as they’ve been used like two times this entire season. I guess the producers are trying an “embrace the real woman” theme this year. It’s ridonk. No one in Project Runway’s audience wants to embrace a woman. Throw some rags on a skinny bitch and send her stumbling down the runway for her life. Anyway, the point is, poor Yentl got two new moles on her face from worry, and now she’s out.

I’ll never forget you, Yenta. Yengy? Yani? Yoseph! Yuri? Yaya?

Heidi sends the designers on a field trip and Chris gets that “Oh dear Lord please don’t make me run” look on his face. They are sent to the Upper East Side, and I immediately worry that they will have to dress really old rich ladies with tiny dogs and dead husbands. Or Hasidem. Lender’s Bagel’s hasn’t sponsored an episode yet, and I wouldn’t put it past em.

Tim is waiting for them at the Metropolitan Museum of art. Chris and I have the same reaction.

Please tell me there are vending machines in this dump.

The museum is completely empty except for the designers, Tim, a camera crew, lighting guys, boom operators, kraft services, and hair and makeup. It’s totally Zen. Tim leads the crew into the Greek and Roman Sculpture Courtyard and warns them what will happen if they fuck up today.

Watch your asses.

The final challenge before fashion week (can you believe that? I can’t. I was so thin when this whole thing began) is to choose a work of art to base a design off of. They will be limited to three wings. The one they are in now, the Temple of Dendur, or the European Painting Wing. Gee. I wonder what Rami’s gonna pick. Toga much?

This guy is so predictable it’s unsettling. He walks up to any statue he can find lying around in a sheet and takes pictures with his producer provided camera. He tells us that the minute he saw Aphrodite standing there, he felt like he fell in love. Well, that is her job. Some of you know Aphrodite as the goddess of Love and protector of sailors, but when I hear that name I think of Mighty Aphrodite, the Woody Allen movie Mira Sorvino won an Oscar for before the world realized she was a one trick pony. Rami talks all deep about what inspires him, but all I can hear is “Why sew? Why sew? Why sew” until the show cuts to someone else.

Christian, another fashion repeater, goes into the European Painting Room and walks right up to the same jacket he’s made over and over again and snaps. Who knew that someone invented that stuffy ass shoulder padded jacket hundreds of years ago? Things keep changing, but they never really do, do they? If there was a shot of a statue sporting eighties keytar player hair I wouldn’t be surprised.

After this guy was painted, he snapped and shrieked “FIERCE!”

Sweet P also finds her own personality in a painting of a good old fashioned bar fight…

Jillian takes a bunch of pictures of tight asses on mini ponies, and Chris expresses his personality in the Temple of Dendur, which is from Egypt and older than dirt. He walks up to it and says “Look, Joan Rivers carved her initials in this when she was a little girl. LOLOLOLLLL I LOVE CHRIS MARCH!

Back at the workroom, Sweet P has decided to go with the peacock painting. Then the NBC dongs played. Nice job, P. Jillian whispers that she wants to do something “edgy”, and she was inspired by armor. Uhhh….Chris and Christian start a war to outfag eachother. Who can use the most material? Who can make the largest poufs? Who can rapid fire Mommie Dearest Lines the fastest? Time will tell, but my money’s on the pipsqueak.

There will be no poufing for Rami. He’s waaaay too classy for that. Furthermore, he feels no need to apologize for making the same dress in the same color he’s made in a previous challenge because hey, he’s passionate about not having to sew much. He says he’s not there to make the most noise, he’s there to safety pin fabric together until it starts not to look like a ghost costume.

It’s the final challenge, so obviously everyone’s totally stressing. Thank God Christian’s there to be hall monitor. He sews faster than everyone, so he just keeps on making more and more pieces while Sweet P tries to guesstimate a pattern and Jillian whispers into the cameras about how rude and arrogant Christian is. My personal opinion is that he’s throwing barbs her way because he noticed that she was making pleats. That’s his staple, bitch! If you add shoulder pads and/or a high collar there is a good chance he will cut your ass. She stays calm, but he won’t stop pestering.

“Is that how they say ‘Hi’ in Whoreville?” -Jerri Blank

It’s the next morning and Sweet P has only started draping her form. It’s only an idea so far, but it’s very fifties housewife. She asks Jillian what she should do for her collar, and since it would be just plain rude to say “burn it”, Jillian tells her to ask herself.

Sweet P tells us that before she came on the show, she was thinking of quitting her business. That’s an interesting way of saying “I went broke.” She needs to win Project Runway to save the farm! Sorry honey, but it’s fitting time and you’ve got just what you came in with. Nada. Ah well, you can figure it out when your model gets there. If she ever does. Poor Lee has had some kind of personal emergency. ? Models are so not allowed personal emergencies. Where has professionalism gone? Kate Moss would walk the runway if her head was on fire. In fact, I think she’s probably done it.

The good news is we all get to hear Sweet P whine and cry about how she just can’t finish and she’s doomed if she doesn’t. Yawn. You’re doomed if you do. You’re fabric looks like cheap wallpaper in and Ikea 60′s themed showroom. I wish I could do what I do in that store: hide with a plate of meatballs until it’s over.

Listen, I know I am just repeating myself here, but Rami hasn’t sewn one fucking thing! he’s literally pinning fabric to his model and tucking it into her sports bra. How is this fair? DOWN WITH RAMI!

So. WRONG.

Fitting time is over and still Sweet P has no model. I am hard on her, but I really do like her and feel for her. Satisfied? Moving on. Time for Collier Strong’s yearly appearance. You might recognize him from previous episodes as the Loreal Paris makeup man. He hit forty five and stopped aging. He looks no more or less like the plastic bullfrog my Meemaw keeps on her front lawn than he did four seasons ago. And he still has the same nervous sweaty pits. We should all be so lucky as to stay the same forever.

Anyhoo, Collier tells the designers that he is going to work with them to come up with a design for their makeup that expresses their most dramatic artistic sensibiliies. I was kind of hoping he was going to paint dogs playing poker or Where’s Waldo? pictures on the models’ faces, but no such luck. What he meant to say is that he will be putting blush and lipstick on the girls. OOOooooh. AAAaaaah.

Chris finishes his work early so instead of figuring out a way to make this parade float look at least a little different from the one he made with Christian a few weeks ago, he decides to take a nap. Christian calls out after him “ok love ya bye!” LOL. That is one of the dumbest moves I’ve seen in a lon…a week. Ricky’s hats were the dumbest move. No one with those hats can win any fashion show. Or anything. Ever. Mark my words. Christian is mortified and says he was done too, but he’s spending his time by touching up his work. His touching up involves hot glue gunning silver ribbon to a fedora. Uh, take a nap.

Hey! I have that shower curtain in green!

Told ya!

Since Chris isn’t around to regale his peers with What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? references, Christian takes the floor and brags to the cameras about going straight from highschool to London and studying under the likes of Vivian Westwood and Osh Kosh B’Gosh. That kind of explains the three year learning curve on the word fierce. Ugh Christian you’re my current fave to win this thing, but please SHUT UP.

Tim Gunn comes in to check on progress and he’s finally found a casual Tim look that I can stamp approval on. Still a suit, but with no tie and one button undone. Well done! His first observation is that he doesn’t hear anyone breathing for their life. Wait a second, where’s Chris? The designers tell him that he’s sleeping so Tim marches right up to Chris in the lounge and asks him why he’s asleep and why he’s wearing my shower curtain. Thanks for the props, Gunn. It means the world to me.

Chris insists he’s finished, but when he goes back to the workroom and shows Tim his creation, Tim calls BS and tells him to make it suck less. Chris is offended, but to be fair, it is morning for him. I used to kick my mom when she came in to wake me. Now even when I go home to visit she carries a pillow with her until past noon.

Come on, Tim. Don’t you remember the portrait of the stalk of cauliflower in the Euro Paintings Room?

He stops at Christian’s table next, and although he loves most everything as usual, he is a bit confused by the pancho. Congrats! It’s the first time anyone has silenced Christian. No one can excuse a pancho. No. One. Tim warns him that it isn’t cohesive and it’s the final challenge, to which Christian responds “I know, lady. Don’t you worry.” HAHAHAHAAAAAAAA. He’s said that about ten times today. He must have gotten his hands on some old Jerry Lewis videos he heard about while he was in London.

Sweet P shows Tim her hideous work and instead of saying oh shit girl NOoooooooo!, he just scrunches his face into pure worry and then starts writing her a goodbye card. Jillian’s work is coming right along, but I lose a little respect when he approaches Rami with “This. Is. Stunning.” Oh for Christ’s sake. Enough already. Then he adds that Nina’s gonna rip him a new one because he’s already done it thirteen or so times. Rami answers like a true egomaniacal a hole: “I’ll think about that.” Riiight. I am so mad at Sweet P and Chris right now for not pulling their shit together. I really wanted someone to take Rami out.

At the end of the night, Sweet P’s model finally shows up. Turns out no one in her family died, she was just stuck waiting in the emergency after she cut someone’s arm off with her hip bones as she passed them on the subway.

I know for a fact there’s a Wendy’s in the vicinity of Parsons. Go get yourself a frosty.

The minute the model leaves, Sweet P starts in with the whining. Not because her dress is hideous, but because she’s not sure if she will have time to fully crap all over the runway one last time. Jillian, forgetting what a drama queen she herself has been, rolls her eyes at P like get over it, whiney. Hey Jillian. Take a seat and poke yourself with some needles. I liked you better when your head wasn’t complimenting your cornhole.

The morning of the runway show, Christian and Rami really go the distance in their own personal style. Christian with a flat iron and a glitter bird on his shoulder, and Rami with a combed out soul patch. Both of these two need to be held down and shaved. They probably spend their free time discussing the Lewinsky scandal.

Back in the workroom, Sweet P does her best to pull it together while her model does some weird yoga tree huggy chi energy building move for her. Models are such retards. Jillian isn’t quite done either, but she takes the time to tell us Christian has made a whole collection but who cares cuz his model looks like the state puff marshmallow man. She’s so right.

Roast her.

Last minute fixes: Sweet P finishes and Chris makes peace with most likely not moving on. Jillian starts her usual whiney slammy babiness, but this time she adds a helping of “I deserve this!” Oh man. I have liked you for eleven weeks, lady! Don’t turn on me now!

Runway time! Kors’ face has transcended orange. He has so much crap on he looks like he put on a mud mask and didn’t have enough time to wash it all off. Garcia has actually toned down the bed head. Impressive! Someone started giving herself enough time in the morning to have breakfast and work on a little grooming! Kudos! The guest judge is Rip Torn playing Cavalli.

That actor is seriously underrated.

Chris’ dress is out first, and it really is the same thing he made with Christian. Sad, because he really had a chance. I am just trying to imagine this poor thing trying to get in a cab at the end of the night. She looks like a dog who has to get a cone on it’s neck because it won’t stop biting it’s own ass.

Chris

Christian’s up next, and this is by far his worst yet. His model looks like a Pirates of the Carribean extra with a bullfighting hobby. The pants don’t fit, and the fedora is just awful. He tells us that he knows it might be a little too avante garde, but it’s fierce! Sorry, dude. That shit is plain fug.

What a dog.

I’ve bitched and moaned enough about Rami enough already. We know he draped AGAIN, but the news is that it is one of his worst, most unfinished looking drapes yet. Booooooo.

If I had a drape whistle your ears would be bleeding right now.

Sweet P has opened up a whole new life for her model. As a kid’s birthday party clown. As the poor girl does her best selling this trash, Sweet P tells us how she should win because not only can she out-design Barnum and Bailey, she understands how to merchandise, too. Really? Then why is your ass broke? This is why:

Sweet P. Sad Horns.

Jillian’s work is last, and in my opinion, it’s the best. By faaaar. She followed her inspiration, it’s classy, it’s wearable. and she’s been pretty consistent. Now if only she’d stop talking, I’d be totally down with her.

Jillian

Cavalli fawns over Christian, saying that the profound love he has for himself really shows in his work. All of the judges follow suit. I am so sure. I guess they can’t say “well, four out of five of our final choices blew chunks on the last challenge. Please continue watching and do your best to take this show seriously. And eat Hershey’s!” Christian completely agrees with their assessments.

Chris is also praised by Cavalli. He is called the most artistic of everyone and he should show in Paris. The regular judges tell him that he’s full of shit and when he watches the season on tv he’ll know why. They call Chris out on using the exact same shoulder piece he’s already used, but say that the rest of the dress is beautiful too. I am just psyched that he has a shot.

Jillian gets a unanimous hell yes for her dress, and Cavalli says he would love to have her on his staff. She says that that would be an incredible honor. Well she couldn’t say fuck off Rip Torn I will never work in a cubicle again! She rocked it. She knows it, and so do they.

The judges think Sweet P’s dress is pretty and flattering (???) but also completely boring. What a sweet way to say hideous. Cavalli calls Rami out on being boring, and he hasn’t even seen the other eleven versions of it. Kors calls him out on repeating himself over and over, and Rami gets defensive and asks why it’s a problem. Nina walks up, grabs his little nuts and squeezes. “How many fucking times do I have to tell you to do something else?!?”

Well kisses right back at ya, cutie pie.

In private time, the judges continue their Jillian and Christian love, but Sweet P was blah. Cavalli says Chris was his favorite, but none of the other judges are having it. Rami blech. Zzzzzzzzz. They bring the designers back out and Christian wins! Oh man. Sorry Jillian. You was robbed. She will be at fashion week though, so right on. One more designer to pass!

Sweet P’s out, but with kudos. Aw. I feel so bad for her when she cries. She believes that what’s supposed to happen will happen, and so do I. She will totally be able to get a job at Starbucks. They have great healthcare and they love tattoos. Down to Chris and Rami. And CHRIS IS IN!!!! AAAAHHH!! YAYAYAYYYYYY!!!

And Rami’s also in?!?!?!? The judges were deadlocked, so they will have to have a dance off at Fashion Week. They will both get to show three pieces and then the winner will be on tv. Everyone shows, as we all know. I am so psyched for Chris! And I think someone’s trying to make Sweet P kill herself, as she’s the only one going. Poor girl.

Next week, Chritian flattens his hair and Carmen cries. Then Heidi calls VictorYA uptight. LOL. See ya then!