Project Runway: Shock and Awwwwwwww

This week on the second to last episode of Project Runway, someone (and I’m not telling you who) farts out a cloud of Judge smoke and grosses me out.

I’m with ya, sugar.

Welcome to the beginning of the end, suckas! Heidi comes out wearing a hologram. I took so long to post this recap because I was waiting to see if any epileptics sued Bravo for not warning them they were about to have severe seizures. No lawsuits have been announced that I have heard of, so my lateness was just a waste. My bad.

If you don’t see an image of sauerkraut and french fries dancing in the moonlight, you’re not looking hard enough.

We’re caught up on everything we already know. Five designers are going to fashion week, but only three of them will be on TV. Rami has to beat Chris’ butt one more time before he is given the chance to loosely pin fabric on a skin covered skeleton. I am rooting for March, but after making the exact thing last week that he made when he teamed with Christian, it’s kinda hypocritical of me. But he makes me laugh, and I will choose that over muscles and an accent any day. At least on TV.

Tim and Heidi take the designers to the roof of the SoHo lofts for a glass of champagne and Christian and Jillian have a twirl off to see who’s more of a woman. Guess who wins.

I pity the poor gay cow who died for this shot. Bret Michael’s used the rest of it to make a trench over on VH1. PETA is ignoring this. Bigots much?

Christian tells us how simply amazed he is with himself. Look how far he’s come! And he’s only twenty one! WOWEEEE! Christian makes me laugh despite his hideous personality, but for some reason today I just want someone to toss him over the side of the building. It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s the most talented twenty one year old ever born! SHOOT IT!

As per ush, Tim goes to visit the finalists at their home about three and a half months into their final challenge. Christian is up first, and he lives in a closet. It’s kinda hilarious, for someone so out. The only thing that could make this kid more of a contradiction would be if he decided to give up fashion and become a firefighter so he could put out flames.

His place is so tiny that it doubles as his closet, his workroom, and his bedroom, and as much as he annoys me, it’s pretty cool to see someone make so much out of so little. OMG I haven’t addressed his coiff. He stopped with the giant lesbian in and eighties cover band look, opting instead to keep the same cut but gelled down to his scalp. At first I was sad because I realized that he no longer reminded me of Jerri Blank, but then I remembered that Jeri’s hair got bigger by the season. She started where Christian has ended up.

“I’ve changed. People change. Changes… I’m not the same Jerri Blank who informed on those blind orphans. I’m not the same Jerri Blank who revealed the hiding place of those Guatemalans… such as yourself. And I’m not the same Jerri Blank who took a crap in the Fleishmann’s holly bushes… last night.” — explaining why she doesn’t want to finger Kimberly Timbers for being a retard, from “Who Wants Cake?”

Tim doesn’t really know what to say when he gets his first glimpse of the collection Christian’s working on, but he never really has known what to say with this kid. Gunn warns about over doing it, but that’s really what got him this far in the first place, so what are you gonna say? Make less jackets? If ain’t broke, steal it’s lunch money. The piece that really confounds Gunn are the finale pants. It looks like a team of ugly ducklings teamed up against a swan, beat the crap out of it, and wore it’s skin to warn all the other beautiful birds not to fuck with the fugs.

Whoever ends up buying these better never take a walk in the woods. They’ll get their asses shot.

The adjective Tim lands on is “costume-y”, and come to think of it, they are very Annie Get Your Gun. With the big poofy pirate shirt, it’s just hideous. I smell a winner!

T

The Swishbuckler

Tim’s advice is to calm the fuck down, but Christian, as usual, plans on ignoring everything he said. Again, why shouldn’t he? It’s worked so far.

Next, Tim goes to Jillian’s place, which is also in Manhattan. Jillian was inspired by coming in second in the last challenge, so she sticks with her art museum inspired armor look and crosses her fingers for not first again. I just think she might pull it off! Her collection looks more Christian inspired than anything, and Tim calls it “compelling” but adds that it’s a “cloudy day” and he doesn’t get it. He might just be distracted by Jillian’s choice to come on TV wearing a butt ugly Christmas sweater and hot pants. Have you ever been skiing? Tell me this girl doesn’t look like a Lodge Ho.

I’ll blow ya for a lift pass.

Jillian invites Tim to meet her family in Long Island, and it kind of explains her look. It might actually work with some giant Aqua Net bangs. She tells us that all the great American designers are from Lowang Island. Kors, Karan, and her! Jillian was so likable throughout this season because she was humble. I don’t like this overt self confidence. It’s the same reason I want to punch Celine Dion in the face every time she comes on the radio.

Tim gets to her mom’s house and immediately I am back to sympathizing with Jillian. I know what it’s like to date a gay guy. It can be hard.

GIRRRRRRLLLLLLL!

Jillian’s dad says having Tim at their house is more impressive than if Santa Claus came over. Tim says he wishes he was Santa, and Jillian’s mom asks “Reeeeallly?” You can just hear Jillian whisper-screaming at her before the cameras arrived. “MOTHUH! Whatever Tim Gunn says, you are enthralled. Got it?”

Jillian’s mom tells Tim that when she was younger, she went to a clairvoyant who told her that she was gonna have a famous kid who insisted on dressing like Punky Brewster well into her thirties. See people, don’t knock psychics! Jillian tells us that she knows a lot of people think they are special, but she really is! I liked her better when I couldn’t hear her.

I think she actually wore this outfit on the show. And is she wearing a diaper?

Next, Tim goes to visit Rami, who just happens to be chillin’ at Jessica Alba’s house. He tells Tim about growing up in Jerusalem and being outed as a designer by his little shit of a brother. Tim nods patiently and I think the only thing keeping him from nodding off is his struggle to get a grape on his fork. Would it have killed ya to order a pizza? The best parts of this interview are the shots of Rami’s pals. Rami takes himself very seriously, and his friends do too.

You’re all fascinating. I would love to have heard the deep conversation after the screening of Into the Blue.

Hey, Tim Gunn has a herp. That doesn’t have much to do with anything, but I’m glad to know he’s gettin some. Rami’s collection looks like it’s going to be more than a bunch of ghost costumes, which is nice. He’s going for a Joan of Arc theme. He and Jillian have some serious anger issues they need to work out. No woman wants to look like she’s going to war. Well, the kind that do don’t spend money on clothes. They spend it on camping gear and hourly rentals at pool halls.

Tim thinks it’s a bit hammered and nailed looking and adds uncomfie and heavy to the mix. Rami ignores him and notes that he’s annoyed that he has to compete with March for the final spot. Please Chris. Pull it out!

Chris is also an NYC designer, so Tim kisses Jessica Alba goodbye and ventures back to the city. March is in a solid shirt and a sports jacket! WTF? He looks adorable, but I was hoping for new shower curtain inspiration. What he does have to show us, though, is pretty….uh….staggering? No. Uh….amazi…no. I am at a loss for words. That very rarely happens. Congrats, March!

He has trimmed his pieces with human hair, which makes Tim wanna barf. Unless you’ve got a bag of chewed off fingernails (like that freak who auditioned for Idol this year) to detail it with, it’s just unbalanced. To get his point across, Tim tells Chris a story about the first time he went to the rodeo and got banged by a cowboy. At first it smelled like poop and hurt like hell, but after awhile the smell went away and it started to feel mildly ok. The only way Chris’ collection will work is if the Judges bite down on a pillow and wait for twenty minutes to pass, which is the kind of time Chris won’t have on the runway. Chris laughs like he’s totally been there and promises Tim he will tone it down before promising us that there will be hair. YAY!

Coulda been puppies.

Chris takes Tim to meet his friends in the gaudiest apartment ever built. Everything inside was built by it’s owner, and it’s all gold and crazy. Chris has also gained some confidence since the show started airing, but he’s not an annoying prick about it, he’s just Chris. With less patterns. He tells a story about a cop who came up to him to arrest him for being the best designer on PR. He didn’t mention that he was at a Village People theme party, but the story’s kinda charming all the same.

Fingers crossed.

Time to get down to bizness. The designers all make it back to New York and hug and kiss and blahblahblah. Rami and Chris are a bit freaked out, and rightfully so. Christian and Jillian promise to be nice to each other and I’m kinda bored. But then Chris tells Christians that his friends ask “how can you miss him? He’s so annoying!” LOL. Christian’s comeback? “People say stuff about you, too.” Then he snaps and says fierce ten times in a row. Oy.

They get to the workroom and there are only three tables. Ruhroh. It’s all fun and games til someone gets their ass cut. But before we can get to the action, Jillian feels the need to impose one of her backwards fashion choices on the viewing public. Chris may have stolen hair from poor people to bring his line to life, but Jillian stole from an American icon. What did Princess Leia ever do to you?

Somewhere in Manhattan, Carrie Fisher is running around in shock with mascara streaming down her face and one big bun on the side of her head screaming “WHYYYYYYYYY?!?!?”

Tim welcomes them back to the grind and tells Chris and Rami that he loves them both and still will after one of them is crowned a big fat looza in the next few hours. They get to pick a teammate to help them get ready for their fashion-off, and shockingly, Chris and Christian team up and Leia.5 works with Rami. Ramalamadingdong (how have I not been calling him that this whole season?) unpacks first, and I have to say some of his work looks gorgeous.

Chris’ is as weird as anticipated, and even Christian calls it innovative before he almost gags while brushing out a skirt. The friendship between these two is so sweet to watch, and when Chris has his model’s hair styled in an homage to Jerri Blank, I squirt out a tear.

Awwww!

Heidi greets Chris and Rami on the runway looking like a hooker from 1987. She tells them both that she believes in them and hopes they don’t fuck up this opportunity or everyone’s gonna make fun of them and throw wet candy canes in their hair on their way out.

Rami’s first piece is a loose fitting light blue rain coat that rain would ruin. He has added big puffy pirate sleeves, which is probably what every gay teenager with a sewing machine is doing this season after watching Christian. It also looks like it was made in one of the one day challenges. Not a lot of skill for something that he got five months to make. The dress underneath is a simple mini, and it doesn’t look like it fits his sack of bones very well. It’s draped (shock) and not well. Not only can he only mostly drape, he can only mostly drape loosely.

The next piece is a sweater jacket (really? A sweater jacket?) and underneath is a grey slutty secretary number. It too is draped, but it’s draped tightly, so that makes it way different than normal draping. The boob section is really weird, like a wedding dress, and it is unflattering to his model. It doesn’t look like a toga, which is the nicest thing I can say about it. The worst thing I could say about it is that the Dress Barn should hire Rami ASAP. Wait a second. I saw him pull out some decent work from his suitcase. Where the hell is it? Ah, there it is! His ball gown is gorgeous. Sure, it kinda looks like a slick black version of Christian’s Resses Cups wrapper dress with out of place hip padding to disguise the anorexia of his model, but it’s a beaut.

Rami

Chris’ first piece is a Cruella DeVille shout out. Always remember where you came from, eh tiger? The hair actually works on this one for me, but it might be because I have been banged enough at the rodeo by now. The skirt is some kind of chain (or paper clips?) that I am sure will be explained later. His model looks like one scary bitch. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not, but he said he was going for drama and he sure as hell got it.

His second model looks like she’s going to Cave Man Cotillion in a dress her dad scalped an Indian for. The top doesn’t fit very well and the skirt just reminds me that we stole this country. His third look is a long lean skin tight formal number with a cagey looking wrap. Again, it’s bizarre, but it’s really cool. Since the judges have blown smoke up Rami’s cornhole from day one, Rami would have had to fail miserably and/or Chris would have had to really come in with something amazing. Neither really happened, which is sad because Rami will stay even though all he proved is the only thing he can sew are things that don’t have to also have to fit well.

Chris

The Judges look at each other like “coocoocoocoo” when they hear that Chris’ stuff used human hair. Kors gives Chris credit for originality and thinking outside the box, and especially likes the black chrome safety pin (ahhhhh, paper clips. I was close!) effect, but thinks that March went overboard in the creepy dept. Nina concurs with a disgusted look on her face, and Heidi gives him props for having three pieces that she has never seen anyone have the balls to put together.

She asks him why he deserves to go to fashion week. I wish for once this guy would stop being so nice and just say “Jessica Alba Jessica Alba war torn country mom dead coulda been suicide bombed every day of my childhood”, but instead he says that it might be interesting to crown a winner from outside the industry and that his head would blow off. Kors makes a face, but it looks like all his others so I don’t know what it means. I think, though, that it’s the final nail in the coffin face. An outsider? Oh HELL no. An outsider might actually say aloud that the Kors line looks like old lady outlet mall finds at twenty times the price. Get an insider. They’ll totally think you’re deep.

Oh, aren’t you…precious.

Kors loves Rami, Nina loves Rami, and so does Heidi. Kors calls him out on the fake hips and reminds him that in fashion, sometimes you’re in, but hips on chicks are always out. Nina thinks his raincoat is too much, but she loves the slutty secretary dress, so I can’t take her seriously. She’s offended that both designers are so dark. Shut up, Nina. And btw, how has her hair become that frizzy just from sitting there? Wear a ponytail, lady! Rami says he deserves this because…FF.

In alone time, Nina says that Rami has substance and Kors says at least he tried a coat even though it sucks. They are all impressed that they didn’t understand Chris’ work. Kors says “costume”, which is the mark of death, and Nina actually sticks up for March, saying some of the best designers are that dramatic. Kors gives another look, and again, I can’t read it, but I sense a dismissive tone. Chris never had a chance with this bunch, but they also knew that the audience would raise bloody hell if they gave their golden boy an auto pass after performing so poorly throughout so much of the competition.

Guess what? You are NEVER going to believe this twist. Rami’s in! I knew it was coming, and yet there’s still half a 7-11 mustard dog sliding down my TV screen. BOOOOOOOOO!!!

Chris is really sweet about the whole thing and leaves laughing, which seals it. I’m buying my sister a mini skirt made out of a scalped Indian for Christmas.

I LOVE YOU, CHRIS MARCH!

Dear gasmii,

I have never in my time here at the gasm been so late on a recap! I got a new computer (YAY!) that has made my life a technical nightmare for a solid week (BOO!). I am so sorry for my tardiness and will make it up to you with a morning after recap of the finale and a very special Project Runway Podcast with the incomparable InternetSensation. Thanks for stickin with me all season! LOVE,

Flip

xoxo