Project Runway: FIERCE

This season on Project Runway, people cried, bitched, sewed, cried, cried, and generally acted super gay. I wouldn’t have had it any other other way. Drip.

Season 4, we love ya baby.

Welcome to the end, suckas! Christian opens the show by telling Rami how scared he is. He says it in a whiny voice, which frightens me. Christian, where’d you go? You’re not scared! You’re an arrogant little twerp who snaps his fingers at people and confidently uses homo jargon from the early nineties! Come back to me!

In the workroom, the three finalists unpack and get their stations ready. Well, that’s what they’re supposed to be doing. Rami and Christian spend most of their time eyeing each other’s work coming out of the suitcases and pretending that they are just randomly looking around the room and wondering if anyone really wins a $10,000 shopping spree on Bluefly.com. I personally say no, it’s a rip-off, but it might just be sour grapes because I haven’t won and I play like every day. Whatevs.

Rami tells us that he can totally read the look of fear on Christian’s face because, well, who knew Rami could make anything that didn’t look like it was held together by safety pins and hot glue? Ooooh, Rami, you’re brill. Christian’s so scared. Actually, he is. What seems to be worrying him the most isn’t that Rami and Jillian’s lines will be great, it’s that they might not think his line is great. Huh? Who the hell are you? Tell them both they suck and don’t have a chance in hell and then skip out the door like you always do. I’m getting skerd. This newfound sensitivity is bad news.

No one’s mentioned my hair.

Tim comes to check in with them and see if anyone even pretended to listen to his advice. He had told Jillian that her collection was looking dark and gloomy, so she added a black and white horizontally striped t shirt with sleeves made of severe yarn loops. EW. Congrats. It’s not dark and gloomy. It’s just gloomy. Whoever wears this shirt shouldn’t ever pass anything with edges. Or leave their house. Rami stands and watches Tim critique her work and smiles that smug little smile that makes me want to smack him.

Yarn’s for kittens, sucka.

Tim thinks that the piece doesn’t fit what she’s already got, but she’s built up some mighty confidence since the good old days when she was a whispering bundle of nerves and decides to “let that piece sing with the rest of the chorus”. Who talks like that? A holes, that’s who. Anyway, it’s a dumb point. One off key voice will kill a choir. I’m just saying.

Rami knows how to talk a good game. He tells Tim that he really did his best to take his advice even though he had already worked so hard and blahblahblah. He shows Gunn a really beautiful piece made with strips of antique lace which gets Tim off his ass. He says brilliant and moves on to Christian, who puts his tail between his legs, shivers, and pees a little on the floor. Tim slaps him and tells him to grow a pair.

What is that tattoo on Christian’s arm. Is it a snake? An octopus? The villain from The Little Mermaid? Is it new? And if so, uh, why? It’s a finale of questions. What is this, Lost?

I could use a flashback to the Christian before the island. This one’s a little wuss. We already have one Jack.

Time for the designers to do their model casting. They get together and decide that this year they are going with big girls who have bright shiny personalities. LOL, could you imagine? Nope, the models are skinny hunched over girls who would greatly benefit from a glass of milk.

Osteoporosis and a starving African child pouch? You’re hired!

Rami tells us that they are all casting the same models, but I think he just can’t tell them apart. Model bigotry! He says that some are great, some are ok, and some are hit in the face with a frying pan. Cut to Ramona Quimby from the Beverly Cleary books.

Now you’re messin’ with my girl!

The next morning, the designers meet with Collier Strong to come up with a makeup design. Rami gets all deep about it and says he wants to chisel faces and emphasize shadows. Collier nods and smiles and puts some blush on the girl like “whatever you say, buddy.”

Christian was originally looking for dark skinned models in his casting and didn’t get many, so he comes up with the idea of putting his models in blackface. Collier’s like, uh, how bout some bright lipstick instead? DEAL! Jillian wants “natural but dramatic”, so Collier puts some eyeliner on a fifteen year old and says the drama will come from the whole running away from home to sell your body to fashion thing that the teen girl’s got goin’ on. Collier Strong’s job is a bitch, and he has some really homely girls to deal with this season.

How bout I just try and make your model look less like the guy from Mask while you sit quietly in a corner, umkay?

As the models arrive for fittings, Rami takes time out of his busy day to tell us that all of Christian’s work is over the top and he has a lot to learn about this industry regarding making clothes that actual women would wear. Everyone knows that a dress is basically just a huge sack that you pin and stretch and put belts on so you can look ten pounds overweight everywhere you go. Duh.

Christian puts his models in the tallest shoes Bluefly sells, and the prettiest model bitches about them. He says that he walked around his closet apartment for a week in those shoes and if he can do it, so can she. LOL. Then he tells her to concentrate on being skinny and not eating. LOLx2. Slowly but surely, he’s coming back.

So is Jillian! Across the room, she’s starting to go into drama mode because her models look so different from one another. Oh no! What the hell kind of bots are these? She whisper yells into the phone to get newer, skinnier Russian models shipped in ASAP. Oh come on. Just let the fug voices sing with the rest of the only slightly homely chorus.

She doesn’t shut up about it and tries to get the agency to send over more girls. They tell her oh hell no so she just whisper whines until Rami asks her if she can focus on the positive. She says no and then starts poking her fingers with needles and crying. Welcome back, Kotter.

Wahwahwahwahwahhhhhhhh. Don’t worry. The height differences might deflect attention from the mop sleeves on that t-shirt.

The night before the runway show, Tim comes in to give the final three his “you’re the best designers this show has ever had EVAH EVAH EVAH!” spiel. Yeah yeah, we’ve heard it. All I can say is these people are no Angela. Before he leaves he kisses them all but they avoid his lips cuz of that herp he was sporting last time they saw him.

Hulleow? What about me?

The next morning, Christian, Rami and Jillian arrive at Bryant Park and Rami gets all deep. “It’s sort of like standing directly in front of the heart beat that pumps the blood into the fashion industry.” I would like this guy so much more if he just didn’t talk. Could you get out of the way, please? You’re standing in front of my heartbeat.

Last minute touches are made and of course there are models missing. What is it with models? You gotta roll outta bed and walk around. What’s so hard about that? Don’t tell me you’re late cuz you were at breakfast, cuz that shit don’t fly. I wonder what the final model’s damage is until I catch the look on her face. Bitch was lost.

What’s the square root of four?

You know it’s almost show time because HUGE stars start filling the tent. Julia Roberts, Anthony Hopkins, Beyonce, Shirley Bassey, Daniel Day Lewis, Elmo….wait. No, sorry, my bad. It’s just a bunch of people from Bravo shows. The biggest news is that Baldhawk from Top Chef is still dating the guy who left this season cuz he got a staph infection. How I didn’t read all about that on Page Six is beyond me. Is no one paying attention? Baldhawk’s a celeb, people! Respect!

So, are you two in l…ooh look it’s a line producer from Millionaire Matchmaker! Sorry can we continue this later?

Show time! Rami crosses his fingers, Jillian whisper prayers, and Christian unloads a can of hairspray into the air. That’s my boy! Heidi comes onto the runway and gives a holla to every single person who has ever been affiliated with Bravo the audience and then welcomes the Judges. Who made Posh spice and expert on fashion? She’s wearing a neon kimono, for chrissakes.

I was just getting out of the shower when this lovely orange blind man and his angry friend invited me to a show. Hip hip.

And why is Scar so pissy?

I think she just spotted Rushdie next to one of the Queer Eyes.

Jillian’s up first. She starts with a trench and a red belt. There’s also a fedora and cloth covering the models neck like she’s lost in the desert. I’ll call it the Nancy Drew fights Terrorism look. Next up is a pretty simple skirt with a big crazy afghan scarf. This outfit is interesting only because her model is wearing a Roman fighting helmet thingy. I hope someone smacks her in the back of the head so we can test that sucker out.

Because someone has to do it every year, there’s a tribute to horse owners. Seriously, who goes out in public in riding pants? There’s a green/gold dress with really nice textural pleats but hideous see thru sleeves followed by a chichi ruffle skirt with a blazer that’s rocking shoulders that point upwards. The model is in a constant state of shrugging, like “huh?”

The girl with the unfortunate horizontally striped tee that looks like she beat up Santa Clause and put his wig on her arms works it, and the teenage runaway follows right behind her in a Little Red Riding Hood hooded jacket that I could have sworn I saw at H&M a couple years ago. More riding pants and Roman helmets, then a bustier with beautiful fan pants. There’s a decent blue cocktail dress followed by a girl dressed like she’s wearing a dry cleaning bag. The audience loves her, but then again, who doesn’t love dry cleaning? The final look is a really gorgeous jaket. I have no idea how she got that ripply texture, but it’s bad ass. And it’s accessorized by….riding pants and boots! And people say she’s not consistent.

This is my second time watching this, and I was way more excited the first time. Overall I think she did a really nice job and made mostly beautiful clothes, but I hope people don’t start wearing those damn Roman helmets around. We need peace, people!

Rami has a couple of gorgeous ball gowns. The antique silk comes off great as does his black multilayered dress. I don’t know what the hell it’s made out of , but it’s sweet. He also has a really pretty woven top, and of course his signature, the drape. This time it’s gold, and it looks like he missed a spot because the dress hangs and dimples awkwardly on the girls hip. The audience claps anyways. He also pulls out a weaving technique on a couple pieces that’s pretty gorgeous. I saw them make a headboard like that on Trading Spaces awhile back so I’m glad to see that style make it onto the runway. TLC is ahead of it’s time, people.

Otherwise, he sticks with clothes you would see on the rack at Marshall’s and stuff that’s eerily similar to Chloe’s work a couple years ago. Oh yeah, and hot pink and fake hips on skeletons. Why, Rami? Why? As much as I don’t like him, I expected him to rock it out.

Christian shimmies out and tells everyone they look fierce. The look on his dad’s face is unamused. No wonder this kid rebells.

Why I oughtta…

Christian starts with a black dress with poofy stuff everywhere. His first model is wearing a really huge sad black hat. I imagine it’s probably similar to the giant gaudy hat Mrs. Roeper wore when her hubby kicked the bucket. Next is a black jacket (shock) with poofy sleeves. It’s sorta Robin Hoodie, but sadder. To really up the ante, he follows that with another black jacket with poofy sleeves. Is he fucking kidding me with this? Granted, his workmanship and detail are flawless and intricate, but come on. A jacket’s a jacket.

Ok, finally the pretty model comes down the runway in…a black jacket with poofy sleeves. Ooooh, look! A blouse! With see thru arms and a giant turtleneck. I am also noticing that every model so far has been in skin tight stretch pants. Hmmmm. Maybe practice pant sewing? And now for another black…not a jacket. It’s a coat. Holla! And wow. Where did he find so many huge hideous hats?

Next, a black jacket and a huge hat, but this time there’s a twist. The model is wearing that giant poofy cream colored neck piece. I am surprised she didn’t fall over from not being able to see. She looks like a really old, really rich, really pissed of turkey.

Finally, a real live blouse. It’s the same pattern as his jackets, complete with high collar, but it’s very pretty and the model is the first who’s not wearing stretch pants. OMG ROBIN HOOD! LOL what the hell was he thinking? I’m sorry, you know I’m rooting for Christian today, but come on. That outfit is ridonk. I’d give that girl a piece of candy if I saw her just to make sure she didn’t trick me.

And now, since he’s already made so many poofy shirts, he takes it to the next level and makes an extremely poofy shirt. Well done. Doesn’t look like anything else you’ve made every single week for three months. When I was a kid, my Meemaw used to hand me a wad of Kleenex and a rubber band and tell me to make a flower out of it. That’s what the next model looks like. Oh no wait. No she doesn’t. She looks like a feather duster with a belt on.

For his finale, to show us that he’s a grown up and no longer an immature child, he kills Big Bird and publicly flaunts his former casing. Awwwwww. Posh spice excitedly whispers to Kors when she sees this, and I scream “I DARE YOU TO BUY IT, DUMBASS!” at the TV. Please God, let Posh show up somewhere wearing Big Bird’s carcass.

The judges gather on in the studio to dish about the show before calling the designers in to get their critiques. Posh refuses to smile, but she looks like a little girl that is being tickled and is trying not to laugh. Whatevs. Stop taking yourself so seriously. You’re a fucking Spice Girl.

Turns out Posh is here today because she has her own line of clothes! So you might think I’m totally wrong in suggesting she’s a ridiculous choice for a guest judge. Well, Jessica Simpson is a spokesperson for Procactiv. Doesn’t mean she isn’t a crater face. Anyhoooooooo….

Jillian tells the judges that she was inspired by their final challenge at the museum, and everyone breathes a sigh of relief that the last challenge wasn’t the prom dresses for fug teenagers one. Everyone liked her work and Posh loved her attention to detail. Kors, kinda shrugging, says that it’s wearable. God forbid someone should actually wear something they see on a runway. Nina thinks she’s talented but bore snore.

Christian is next and everyone loves him. Especially posh. She said that his clothes are totally her style. Only to Christian would this be a compliment. Nina says he’s repetitive and heavy handed, and Kors liked the two toned dress at the end, because it made him feel like his two toned face was in fashion. Heidi loves Christian’s work, but she doesn’t appreciate his lack of fierceness today. Thank you!

Who tie dyed Kors’ face?

Rami says that his inspiration was Joan of Arc. Oh, that wacky Joan of Arc with her hot pink and her fake hips, she was such a nut! Wasn’t she the one who said she heard voices? All I can see is Rami pacing back and forth in his studio listening to an invisible Jessica Alba instruct him on what to do next. Everyone digs his woven stuff and his evening wear, but Kors calls him out on his hideous Brady Bunch colors. LOL.

The judges take some alone time to discuss and repeat themselves, and when Posh says that she would wear everything in Christian’s line, Kors counters with “well not everyone is rich enough to leave the house dressed like an asshole and not get egged.” Good point.

The designers are brought back out and Heidi tells Jillian that her mother’s psychic was wrong. Buhbye. So now it’s between Rami and Christian, and Christian is crying! Awwwww! Who told him mullets were lame? Don’t listen to them, buddy! You’re doing great! And he wins!! HOLLA!!!

He sobs and stuff and I squirt out a couple, too. Then Posh says she’ll wear anything he asks her to, and I hope it’s Big Bird. Heidi calls him uber fierce and he tells us that he’s happy, “but come on, did you have a doubt?” LOL. And that, my friends, is why you gotta love this little twerp.

Savannah smiles!

Thanks so much for being here all season, gasmii. I have really loved having a place to come week after week to obsess over this show and your comments have cracked me up and made it all worth it. I’ll miss ya! Until next season, LOVE!