Project Runway: Who Wears Short Shorts?

This week on Project Runway, I accidentally freeze framed on Heidi welcoming us to the show and realized that she is a demon from Hell and is trying to make us all worship Satan.

Fat people Hell.

We open with a shot of Suede waking up, and seriously, no show needs to be opening with a shot of Suede waking up. More evidence that Bravo is bitchily trying to make us look away from their final season cuz they wouldn’t cough up Lifetime dollas. I know that Bravo is always blamed last in the whole Project Runway’s going to hell because it’s going on a channel that would keep Jo from Facts of Life and Tori Spelling from retiring gracefully mess, but come on. Bravo could have kept everyone happy and forked over some cash, but instead they spent their money on Date My Ex: Joe and Slade. That’s what we call last minute impulse buy, which I can totally understand. Just today I left Ralph’s with a king size Milky Way and a magazine with a binged out Kirstie Alley chewing on a teddy bear head on the cover. Bravo, we should both be very ashamed of ourselves.

Look away.

Back to Suede. He is shocked that his creepy roomie was the one to go first. I know! Jerry’s work was fucking masterful, wasn’t it?

Shortly after he left the show, Jerry was detained by the NYPD while they did a full search for bodies in his apartment. They only came up with hair gel, an electric shaver, and an old copy of Freeway 2: Confessions of a Trick Baby. Sad, but not illegal.

Suede continues. “Any decision that isn’t Suede going home is the right decision.” I have a theory that people who talk about themselves in the third person are basically insecure and worried that everyone’s gonna forget their names, so I hope one day I get to meet Suede so I can call him by the wrong name a lot and watch him get all sweaty and shifty eyed. “Paulie. That’s right. Right? Allen? Andrew? Suede. Sorry. Wait, like leather? OMG ARE YOU ITALIAN? I love spaghetti! Don’t you, Jessie? Suede, that’s right. Sorry. OMG ARE YOU ITALIAN?”

In the kitchen, Stella groans about how lucky she is “to still be heeeaaaah!” and stirs up a black sludgy drink. I knew there had to be a secret to looking 73 at 42. Yay vitamins. Maybe she’s just trying to build up a natural resistance to whatever’s going on with her hands. Wall punching? Finger herpes? I don’t know. Another look away shot.

Bravo, you’re killin’ me here.

As Kelli tells us how creative she is, both eyes are open. When she tells us how innovative she is, one eye is closed. When she tells us she totally expected to win the last challenge and then did, the other eye closes. I can’t tell whether the independent eye thing is a sign of severe alcoholism or just plain magic, but either way I’m in favor of it. I hope Kelli gets taken down a peg today, cuz she’s acting kinda dickish and I wanna like her.

You don’t meet someone who can do this everyday.

Before Bryce, the crackly skinned crack head skater dufus, leaves for the day, he is sure to scribble a positive message on the chalkboard. I would like to thank Bryce, because I have wanted to stop using the word Holla, and it’s pretty safe to say that it will never come out of my mouth ever again. Blake could become the President of the United States, but to me he will always be the boy who killed Holla. Ah, well. At least he’s smart.

No one’s had the heart to tell him he doesn’t know how to spell licious.

Heidi welcomes the designers to the runway, lines up this year’s line of malnourished teen runaways, and starts the bidding. Jerrel gets all pissy when half way through the auction, Jennifer snaps up his model. He starts rolling his head and getting all dramatic and tells us in a funny voice “I’m SAUCY!” When you have to tell us you’re saucy, you’re probably not. Glad someone’s trying to keep JJ Evans from Good Times alive, though. That guy was awesome.

Dy-no-mite!

I read that they’re making a spinoff of this show that focuses on the models. I wish it started tonight because I really wanna see the eliminated she-boy model tear into the designer that chose her as the fugliest of the season.

Bony chest, girl’s shirt. Wait. Jerrel?

This week’s challenge is to make a cocktail dress, but the clients are the models. I think that means they have a say in things, which is unheard of. And kinda awesome. To make matters worse for the designers, their work has to be green. Not Oscar the Grouch green. Lori David green. As in “environmentally responsible textiles” green. EEEEWWWWWW. Do we even have to put up with Global Warming propaganda bs on my favorite goddamn show? I’m not saying global warming isn’t happening. I’m saying I don’t want to know about it. I want my skin to cancer up and fall off naturally without me having to feel the guilt of generations on my shoulder while it’s at it.

The designers ooh and ahh when Tim breaks the challenge down for them. Then he says “It is cuul!” Tim Gunn, please never say cuul again. We’ve already lost Holla today. The designers applaud and nod enthusiastically and pat themselves on the backs for being so socially aware. Leanne, the freaky backwoods girl with the deer in the headlights look in her eyes, tells us that she always uses green fabrics in her work, so as to be “sensitive to the environment.” First of all the girl with no makeup, a fifth generation 70′s plaid blouse, and home made stringy ass bangs is into bamboo and hemp?

I will reserve this caption for silent shock.

Second, guess what didn’t cause global warming, Leanne? Rayon. Rayon didn’t . The smiles vanish from everyone’s faces when Tim adds the twist to the challenge. The models will not only be the clients, they will be doing all the shopping! We all know from magazine covers what happens when dumb models are allowed to pick their own clothes.

How many poor young girls are walking around with giant office clips on their foreheads right now? Thanks for the headache, Dirty Olsen!

Stella drones on about how she can’t believe that someone who probably knows nothing about fabrics is gonna be doing all her shopping. Too bad you can’t send the genius who bought you crinkly, cheap, semi transparent trash bags to work with last week. Stella is actually the one who should be grateful to have a little help. Most of the designers try to be cool about it, but designers aren’t really known for their ability to make you feel adequate. Jerrel turns to his model, who looks like a smuggled in Russian bride fresh from the sunless packing crate, “so…you have taste, right?” She nods and shrugs and then looks at his Mariachi at a gay wedding shirt and dy-no-myte hat.

Do you need to borrow some?

A model named Shannone tells us how mortified Kenley was when she heard a model was gonna choose her fabrics. Shannone. Is that pronounced Shannon or Shannonie? Other model’s names: Xaviera, Karalyn (thank God. Caroline’s just so done), Tia. Good Lord. Tia? That means Auntie in Spanish. Who would name themselves Auntie? There is a high percentage of retarded fucking made up names this season. Tim Gunn (if that is his real name) takes the models to Mood and sets them free, screaming and giggling through the store. They gravitate towards shiny things, peacock feathers, and pink. One talks about how she likes dark, rich colors as she chooses aqua and sky blue. I rewound a few times to LOL and to get some direct quotes for this recap, but all I could really hear was that sound chocolate milk makes when you blow bubbles into it through a straw.

Back to the workroom. Jerrel is worried that his model is gonna come back with “remnants of nonsense”. Jerrel thinks that if you say something while rolling your head, sucking your teeth, and acting like Oprah when James Frey came on her show to apologize three thousand times for A Million Little Pieces, that he doesn’t have to put words that make sense together in the same sentence. Tim brings the models back from their hour of power and as they enter, Jerrel shouts “I hope she didn’t bring nothin’ raggedy! Nothin’ raggedy!”

Aw. He doesn’t mean you, Blayne. But you could def use some moisturizer. xo

Kenley may have seemed like a bitch when she voiced open mistrust of her model, but when dimwit Shannone shows up with bright pink cotton Jersey fabric and black satin, it’s tough not to root for a beating. Keith is equally pissed with his girl, and it’s no surprise because his model is the one who was all excited about finding real peacock feathers for the bargain basement price of a dollar. Ding dong. She chose champagne and light peach for her colors, and in fabrics that don’t blend.

And then there’s the peacock feathers to deal with. Last week I mistakenly referred to Keith as a straight guy. Sorry bout that, but I would like to add this to the evidence pile that I may just be right. Exhibit A: What creative gay fashion designer wouldn’t at least get a camp boner for peacock feathers? Exhibit B: Did gay guys pass a law allowing rat tails and no one told me? I’ve gotta get out to the bars and vote. My life is passing me by. And come on, he’s generally…unwashed.

Vote no.

Jerrel, though, the one I was counting on to rip out his model’s throat, is orgasming over her choice of aqua and sky blue. And she even thought to buy thread? He strings some gay attitudey words together and nod rolls his head. I think he likes her! Suede is also happy with his model’s choices, and he also got cotton Jersey. Take that, Kenley! He seems to be draping a toga over Tia, but don’t worry it’s not gonna be a toga. Suede wants to put a little Suede in it, says Suede.

I’m sorry. What’s your name again?

Stella’s model brought back earthy colors and wants a beach-y, free flowing dress. Stella, who now only looks 72 instead of 73 after her black sludge drink, isn’t liking that. She tries to explain that she prefers to do really hard looking things. Her model’s like “who doesn’t?” Stella drones on about how this is so not what she does and she’s so confused and drone drone drone. I get tired every time she talks. If she makes it to the final five and we are forced to spend an extended length of time with her, I might slip into a coma. I’m just warning you. Tim comes in to take the models away for some quiet reading time and tells the designers to get to work.

I love this commercial!

Emily, the pretty one, isn’t heard from much because she’s vanilla. That happens to work in her favor for the green episode, though, and she wholesomely tells us how important it is to stop pumping dye into the ocean. Thanks pretty one. Now could you move out of the way? I’m trying to watch my show.

Blayne’s putting together some kind of bright pink and light pink ruffly dress as he “entertains” the rest of the designers with his “wackiness”. He says that the only one he’s afraid of is Heidi, who he dubs as Darth Vader, or Darthlicious. She’s all pretty and put together on the outside but inside she’s crazy! I hope Christian Sirriano gets to meet this tool at the Bravo Christmas party and burn him with a cigarette. Korto tells us that she is African and her model is Puerto Rican, so they have hips and butts and she wants to “enhance those features”. Just what every model wants. A cocktail dress that makes their butt look more Puerto Rican.

Gong!

Kelli walks up to see how Stella’s doing, which opens a floodgate of whines and drones. It’s important for the judges to know what she dooooes! This is so not what I dooo. I’m hiiiip and urbaaaan! That’s the first thing I think when I look at Stella. Hip. Urban.

Montage of Suede talking in third person. Suede likes stripes. Suede is a bisexual (LOL riiiight). Suede likes long walks on the beach. Please with that. I don’t think Suede has taken a long walk in Suede’s life. The other designers comment on Suede’s talking about himself in the third person, but no one flicks his forehead and sternly barks “NO!”, so they are all now accomplices in my book.

Wesley, Joe (who can officially be given the honorary title of Straight Guy now that it is confirmed that there’s no one else competing for the title) and Leanne all have the same fabric, so Leanne decides that to set herself apart from the pack, she’ll implement “new shapes.” Thank God. I was so sick of the circle, the square and the triangle. I’ve been waiting for someone to come up with something new. Fashion needs the squircangle.

Korto looks over at schoolboy Wesley and sees striking similarities in their work. Their dresses are both in the brown family and they both use pleats. I think the reasonable thing for her to do is to spend her work time going around and whispering about Wesley’s possible aping of her design to every designer individually. And she does!

Tim comes around to check on progress. He loves what Korto’s doing when he thinks it’s inside out, but when he realizes that all of her crooked ass darty pleats are the look, he is wordless. Her head snap rolls back, then she says says “hold up” and kinda glares at him until he sputters out that she needs to make it perfect or it will be a hot mess. Hot mess? For Tim Gunn, that’s like saying the f word.

Oh HELL no you didn’t, you tight assed Redenbacher!

Tim walks over to Suede next and asks how he’s doing. “I’m crazy!” We get it! Tim waits for more than a cheap wacky personality ploy to get more airtime, and when Suede shows off his mess of torn red and tan strips tied and pinned to his dress form. Suede says that he’s also adding a tulle skirt. And then Tim pokes his eyes out and becomes my hero forever. No. Instead, he says “I’m very excited by this” with no trace of sarcasm. I think Tim might think this dress is actually going to be one of those braided straw things you put your two index fingers in and then pull until they’re stuck. What the fuck were the point of those things anyway and who invented them?

Someone “wacky” no doubt.

Wesley’s next and Tim doesn’t say his dress looks like Korto’s or that it could very well turn into a hot mess. Korto is so going to have a whisper fest about that one. Leanne has draped all sorts of big brown swirls all over her brown dress to make it look different from Wesley’s, and Tim says that it’s way too much and she needs to calm the fuck down. “Don’t force it, resolve it.” Leanne doesn’t understand what that means, so she adds about twenty more loopy squircangles. How many of you are kinda missing rosettes right about now?

After Tim is done wondering aloud in subtle ways what the casting department was smoking when they came back to work this season, he announces that the winner of this challenge won’t get immunity, but their design will be sold on Bluefly.com! What an honor! Furthermore, the guest judge will be one of the hottest young actresses in Hollywood! I can’t wait to see what Tim Gunn’s idea of who the hottest young actress in Hollywood is.

She’s a triple threat! What’s cuuler than that?

The night is almost over so everyone’s rushing to get er done, as usual. Wesley has been complaining all day and night about how his dumb ass model bought horrible fabric. It’s getting annoying, but it’s nothing compared to Stella. She starts droning on and on about leathuuh and how it’s all she evah wants to use because she’s very hiiiip and uuuuurban. Blayne starts making fun of her heavy accent and whiney drone behind her back. When the cracked out tanning bed addict thinks you’re annoying, it’s seriously time to check yourself. She hears him and makes fun of the big gap in his teeth. Then they hug and he tells her that he loves her leather face. Still hating Blayne, but LOL.

The next morning, Keith starts the day by making Daniel’s bed because “he’s my buddy.” Darn. -1 from my straight theory. Suede tells us how nervous everyone is. He’s got all sorts of camera time today. I hope that means he’s getting the axe tonight. The designers get to the workroom and everyone rushes around with the usual I’m not gonna finish bs. Except that this time I don’t think it’s just edited to look that way to stick with the formula, because Tim comes in and kinda freaks out that no one’s finished yet. Second episode, second mini freak out from Tim. I hope it keeps going downhill just to see him lose his shit. Korto is also happy with the shitty turnout this week, as it’s easier to be mediocre as a group than just personally mediocre.

Daniel is having the most trouble finishing on time, but there are other disasters looming. Jerrel notes that “team ugly brown fabric” is looking scared, as they should. I always hope the biggest ass gets cut and since we haven’t seen anything he’s been working on, hopes are high that it will be him. It’s been said that there’s not really anyone to root for this year and I totally agree with that. On the bright side, there are plenty of people to root against, and it’s actually almost just as fun.

At some point, we get to see this ass cry like a little sweaty girl. How can you not look forward to that?

Time for judge’s table. The hottest young actress in Hollywood is….Natalie Portman! Not bad, Bravo, not bad at all. I wonder at first what the hell she’s doing here, but Heidi explains that Natalie is plugging her company that sells vegan shoes (ew. Who wants to eat those?). Heidi doesn’t, however, explain how we never knew that Natalie Portman is two feet tall.

Is Heidi preggers again, or is she just standing next to Natalie Portman?

Before we get into this, I have to point out that this cast looks like dogshit for the runway show. Get some fucking clothes on, you’re on TV! Bryce is in a stained wife beater, Leanne looks like she just got pushed out of a moving car by her Quaker elders, and Jerrel is wearing a really bad salvation army sports coat with that Mariachi fringe hot glued to it. And a severely low purple t shirt underneath. This is an embarrassing season for the gay guys of the world. And the Quakers. Just to up the asshole ante a notch, Suede gives doe eyes to Natalie and blows kisses at her like she’s giving him a standing ovation. She says that she is happy to be here on green day, because “eco fashion is definitely the challenge for our generation.” Who cares about being in a never ending war when you can eat your shoes without dying from heart failure? Finger on the pulse of the times, that one.

Keith’s dress comes down the runway first. it’s a parachute baby doll type number and it looks realy beautiful at the right angle, but unfortunately his model actually moves which makes it hard to hide the fact that it doesn’t even come close to fitting her. Terri made a simple, tight fitting dress with big ruffled straps. Her model looks like a low level secretary that dreams of a better life. I hope she gets it. Wesley’s outfit is all dimples and darts and doesn’t fit AT ALL. Sucks, because it’s human nature to hope that the nerdy guy who wears 1930′s private school uniform shorts everywhere has talent. Otherwise, he’s just a nerdy guy who wears 1930′s private school uniform shorts everywhere, and that’s just depressing. He does score bonus points from me, though, because he’s applied my favorite technique. He’s used bad sewing skills to make a model look like she has a severe muffin top. For that I thank you, Wesley!

Jerrel’s dress is the one with the aquas and the blues, and to his credit, he did a gaudy jeweled collar that kinda works. The darker blue doesn’t fit in with the rest of the dress, it fits badly, and the trim is what looks like peacock feather strands badly hot glue gunned to the hem. He smiles big and nod rolls his head proudly as he says “it’s not that brown ugly fabric, so I’m good!” :SKLDJ Sorry I just zoned out and had a daydream about a semi truck hitting Jerrel and splatting his Mariachi trimmed ass all over the highway.

Jennifer was saddled with one of the worst model shoppers of the night. She got stuck with Haloween colors but she did the best she could with them. The dress is drape-y and flowy and cute (not including the colors). It doesn’t look like a cocktail dress, but if you spill a cocktail, it would be handy to use for clean up. One thing Jersey does, orange or not, is absorb. Jennifer’s gums look about five inches long, so I think that means she’s happy.

Daniel ended up finishing his black shiny dress, but it’s pretty sloppy. The model def needs a bra (are those green, or are they killing mankind as well?) and the back is intentionally longer than the front. Add the bizarre hidden pockets he’s obviously instructed her to keep her hands in for the whole walk, and his model looks like a perverted old socialite (who lost weight but hasn’t had time to buy a new dress) scratching her jayjay at a party.

Straight Guy had the brown fabric, and his work doesn’t come off as bad as Wesley’s. Cheap and mostly wearable in a fake Prada-ed and spike heeled rent a ho kind of a way, but at least he sewed his tacky vision correctly. Suede follows him, and the red and cream strips of fabric are actually all sewn together. I am impressed cuz I din’t think he’d make it. That’s a lot of fug sewn to one girl. It could be an homage to pizza, but Tia looks like an illustrated model from one of those cough syrup commercials where the insides of a person’s body is shown so you can see the medicine go down. On her way to prom. In Mexico. Kensley’s work is classic, sleek and chic. Her model looks like a screen diva from the black and white days. Even the clown collar works. She’s definitely got the 50′s down. I just wish she’d take it out of her hair.

Kelli followed her awesome filter dress from last week with what looks like a circus unitard/mini. The challenge was cocktail dress, not cocktail waitress uniform. At a Cirque Du Soleil show. She knows it kinda sucks, which makes me like her more. I also like to see her blink one eye in anger and disappointment. Leanne’s poor model looks like she got caught in a shiny shit brown squircangle storm. When in doubt, smash a cupcake into the side of your model’s head. Stella’s work is much better than last week’s. It’s a skin tight cream colored satin dress missing an arm. It’s laced up the side, which I suppose makes it hip and urban. It’s good to see Stella not fuck up so bad this time, but it was definitely more fun when her model looked like she was thrown into a compacter.

Blayne made a weird hot pink sports dress with black sides and a pashmina wrap. WTF? It’s pointless and unattractive, but there were people who sucked more than he did, so we’ll have at least another week of licious. I just hope we have another week of him calling Stella leather face. Earn your keep, freak. Emily made the second long in back short in front skirt of the week, and it doesn’t come off any better than Daniel’s did. Hers has a cream colored bustier top with uneven bulky braids that’s way too small for her model. And she accentuated with a chile pepper necklace. At least I think that’s what they are. They make me think of what Stella’s fingers would look like by now if she hadn’t ingested the black vitamin sludge.

Korto’s dress is pleat fug and fits her model really poorly. The hair is Gloria Estefan in her Sound Machine days and the neckpiece is one of the most dangerous ones I’ve seen. Are those twigs strung together? I think that hurting a tree in a green challenge should get her disqualified. If this model falls, she’s gonna be impaled. Goal achieved, though. Her ass does look bigger. Conrats, Korto!

Keith, Terri, Jerrel, Jennifer, Daniel, Straight Guy, Kelli, Blayne and Emily are safe. Yikes. Weak week. Nina likes Kenley’s work and Kors compliments the weird net belt. Maybe the Judges need to get closer. Natalie compliments Wesley’s boe tie thingy, but that’s about it. The other Judges hate it and Nina goes as far as calling it cheap. Kors likes Stella’s attitude and lacing, and Natalie compliments the fit but isn’t into the style.

Natalie calls Korto out on her dress looking inside out and Kors said not even curvy girls want fins on their butts. LOL. Natalie loves Suede’s human muscle dissection, which kinda blows any credibility she had with me. Not that she had much. I’m still not over the vegan shoes bs. Nina says it was creative and it looks like it took a lot of work. EW. That shit is hideous. Leanne is called out on her wack squircangle dress, and even her model disses it, saying it’s not what she imagined. Poor dumb model. She’s buhbye. No one wants a tattle tale. We all wanna read Scott McClellan’s book, but would you hire that fool?

D. Kors’ white chin and orange face.

In alone time, the Judges regurgitate their comments. Kors gives Stella props for at least being able to sew, which is saying a lot with the examples they were given today. She went for biker chic, if there is such a thing, and she achieved it, which I guess means that if there wasn’t such a thing there is now. Then they get all lovey over Suede’s grossness and talk about how effortless it looked. Am I the only one not buying it? That poor model looked like a girl run down after a Quincenera. Nina thought Kenley was the only one who used the tight silk look and did it right. Natalie loves that Kenley’s got the vibe of a broad from the forties and Heidi agrees that part of being a designer is being interesting and presentable. No one mentions the dead baby bird on her head.

Heidi aggressively hated Wensley’s work, and Kors says that he “tortured the fabric”. LOL. Nina was expecting more from Korto, which is a compliment, but hated her work, which is not. No one really knows what to say about Leanne’s dress, so Natalie asks someone to pull her finger and then rips one out. And….SUEDE WINS!!! WTF?!?! WHO’S GONNA BUY THAT? Is Bravo pissed off at Bluefly.com, too? As he talks about how happy Suede’s gonna be when he tells him about it, I pick at scab on my arm and think about how much hotter it looks than the dress Suede made this week.

Korto is safe, but she cries anyway and goes back to the holding room wahing about how hard she worked. Aw. Next time work that hard, just don’t suck as much, k? There, there. Leanne and Wesley are left alone, and I feel bad for Wesley because he just looks cold.

And Wesley’s OUT! The judges should have just done us a favor and eliminated about six of these fuckers. It’s not like they don’t have three seasons this year. What do you guys think? Is there sabotage going on? Will Leanne beat her model? Do any of you own vegan shoes? Scratch that. I don’t wanna know.