This week on Project Runway, Jennifer kicks Audrey Hepburn in the nuts.
She deserved it!
Reading your comments from last week, I see that lots of you liked Suede, or as we shall now refer to him, Pleather, ‘s dress. I took some time to think deeply about why I can’t stand this guy, other than the obvious reasons like the blue mohawk and the double pointing at the cameras and the overcooked positive attitude. Wait, that’s enough, right? Yup, still hate the dress. And every time I look at him I see what Susan Powter would look like today had she given up on the militant eat, breathe and move crap and had a pizza. Actually, I think I would like Susan Powter if she got fat. Now I’m just confusing myself. Point is…
Since the show must go on, I will put last week aside. But I’m telling you right now Natalie Portman can shove her vegan shoes up her vegan cornhole. I keep having this dream where I go to Sea World and have the best time ever.
I would buy season passes if Sea World would stop being such a bunch of pussies and put on a real show.
If that shark bit her she would look like Suede’s dress. OK moving on. Sorry but it’s been a week of festering over here. Thanks for your time. This week starts with Daniel, who I don’t think has said more than two words at a time yet, telling us that he is sad that Wesley left because he felt like they were “connecting well”. That’s one way to say “I will miss playing tummy sticks with him.” Yes, for those of you who haven’t heard, Daniel and Wesley are doing it. I wonder how each of them knew the other was even gay?
I like your shorts. Are you by any chance a huge homo?
Kelli tries to wake Stella up, but that girl is out cold. Come on, Stella, if you don’t get ready you’re gonna look all haggard and unkept. Again.
When she’s asleep she looks like a little angel. Of death, but an angel’s an angel.
And then Kelli blinks one eye independently of the other one.
Heidi comes out in jeans so tight that I worry a bit for her ovaries. That can’t be healthy. Her next kid’s gonna have a raisin head. She gives Pleather, who’s wearing a Yoko Ono staying in to clean the house do rag on his head, the opportunity to keep his model or pick another. Instead of just saying “I’ll keep Auntie”, he blows kisses and says his own name three times like he’s winning a World Cheese Award.
Kung Pao Chicken Hawk
Heidi tells the designers that they have worked so hard that they get to take a night on the town. Riiiight. They all for it and clap and giggle. Pleather blows kisses at Heidi, but she ducks and rolls out of the room so none of them hit her. Back at the Atlas, the designers try and guess where they are going and none of them thinks this is a challenge. When Tim comes to pick them up, Blayne calls him Timlicious (ARGH), snorts really deeply and asks immediately if they are going to a club.
Calm down, crack head. You’re not gonna score.
It’s raining so Bravo gives the designers giant fug rain panchos to traipse around in. Tim takes them to one of those double decker sight seeing busses and Stella starts telling stories about meeting Sonny on one of these things and doing it with her boots on. TMI, Drag Cher. The challenge will be to drive around and get inspired for New York at Night dresses. They all get cameras to record their inspiration. I have a feeling Blayne’s pics will all be of the floor of a men’s restroom. Time will tell, but my fingers are crossed.
Pleather, Daniel, Leanne and Jennifer are dropped off at Columbus Circle, Korto, Kelli and Joe are dropped off at the Library, Terri, Emily and Jerell are dropped in the Village, and Blayne, Keith, Stella and Kenley are set loose in Times Square. I hope someone gets inspired by the giant Olive Garden. No one will let Blayne ask around for coke, but they just laugh when he asks if there’s a tanning bed nearby. I don’t think I have had the opportunity to root for skin cancer, so I’m gonna take it now. PS I haven’t been to NYC for five years, so can someone please explain to me what the hell happened to Times Square? Not that it was ever the epitome of class, but still.
Catch up, Wal Mart. The city’s your oyster.
People are getting inspired by some pretty crazy things. Water mains, the smell of pee…but Stella is having trouble joining them cuz she can’t figure out how to work the camera. Unfortunately, the only help nearby is Blayne, who suggests she “open your thang”. Uh…please don’t. Kelli gets into a silver and black fire hydrant and decides to go for a Mad Max look, and Emily discards her sex shop idea and instead takes a pic of a No Standing at Any Time sign. Well, I suppose people in wheelchairs deserve cute clothes too, but her model’s gonna be pissed.
Terri is inspired by a newspaper machine with stickers and graffiti all over it, and I hope she pulls this one off cuz I’ve always wanted an excuse to stick my gum on a model. Keith talks about how it’s hard being a gay man when you live in Salt Lake City, Utah, and I agree. It’s hard to even know that gay people live in Salt Lake City, Utah. It kinda explains his general awkwardness and also why he keeps taking pictures of men’s crotches.
Japanese tourists take pictures of buildings, gay repressed tourists from Utah take pictures of crotches. We all have our Chrysler Buildings, k?
He says that he wants to win PR so he can escape to New York, and in his desperation he starts getting pretty dickish with the other designers. He jumps in front of them every time they are gonna take a picture and makes sure to get everything they have. Kenly and Stella start bitching about it, and he tells us he doesn’t care because he’s not here to make friends. Man, even the fresh meat from Utah is a reality show hack. He starts to tell us how much he hates negative energy but cuts of the sentence to jump in front of Stella while she shoots a boogar stuck to the side of a streetlamp.
After their hour is done, it’s back to the apartments for bed time. Why do we have to watch them get ready for bed? Why? It’s disturbing.
The next day, the first thing they do is select a photo. I can’t really concentrate at first because Blayne is wearing a bright pink sweatshirt. He’s trying so hard it hurts to look at him. Both literally and figuratively.
We get it. You’re different. Now please shrivel up and die already.
Keith chooses a pic of a magazine that was stepped on, and says he chose it because he likes glamour. ? It’s a piece of Julia Roberts’ elbow and a story about the war in Iraq covered in NYC street gunk. I am solidly behind this idea. Tim is in a very good mood today so far. He hasn’t snapped at anyone yet and he doesn’t even make Blayne change that sweatshirt before going to Mood.
In the fabric store, Kenly chooses some really hideous Hawaiian print and tells us that she likes to incorporate a 40′s or 50′s look into everything she does. You don’t say. Try incorporating not fug, k? Whatever decade you want. Most everyone does a pretty good job of speeding through the store to find what they need. I say most everyone because Stella is still on the show. She sits in the middle of the floor and drones “Helllooooo? Is aaaanyone gonna heeeelp meee?” For fuck’s sake, lady, you’re looking for black and shiny. How hard can that be? The gaysian Mood clerk just ignores her ass, which kills me. F the models, this is the one that deserves a spinoff.
Someone tell Laverne Difozio to shut it before I open a can of bitch ass all over her.
Oh yeah, still hate Pleather. He says his own name a few times and I hit FF. Seriously I am going to get a bloody ulcer if he’s not gone soon.
Kenly chose a map as her inspiration, which somehow led to aqua, green and purple print. She says that she is finally gonna get to show the judges who she is as a designer, which is young, chic, new, and fresh. The fifties were new, 58 years ago. If Dick Van Dyke is the guest judge, this girl has it made. Even Straight Guy thinks she made a wrong turn, calling her print “Ft. Lauderdale Lawn Cushion-y”. LOL, Straight Guy. Didn’t know you had it in you.
Terri comes up to Leanne and tells her that she’s a great designer even if she sucked it hard last week. Leanne is worried that she’s just gonna be too damn creative again, which wasn’t really the problem. The squircangle orgy was the problem and it doesn’t look like she learned her lesson, because she’s chosen a tree planter as her inspiration. It’s fitting that it looks like an electric stovetop, because if she gets too crazy with the new “innovative” shapes, she’s gonna get grilled.
Straight lines are for wussies.
She’s doing a lot of layers of weird made up shapes again, but I am less scared for her when the camera pans over to Emily. It looks like she’s cut up Blayne and started pinning him all over a dress form.
Keith is taking Pleather’s cue from last week and just pinning lots of crap to a dress form and hoping Natalie Portman will be there in a hunger induced delirium. He says that he is a very abstract artist and his work is simply the best. I don’t even remember one thing he’s made so far, but I’ll take his word for it. Keith is apparently taking a stab at being the villain, but he’s way too dull and confused looking for the job. Next! Stella hates the dress, asking “Who weahs that?” Come on Stella. You’re like fifty and you wear short shorts and horizontally striped tights with holes in them. Still, she’s right.
Terri is working on another loud unattractive pattern, so at least Kenly won’t be alone on that one. Kenly tells us that she saw Emily’s work and it’s old and been done. Guess what else has been done? THE FIFTIES. For like ten years. On the other side of the workroom, Stella is hammering a drill bit into her work and calling a grommet gay. She finally got her camera to work and took picture of the first animal skinned thing she saw, a horse in Central Park. Why? “Cuz I’m into leathuh!” Man I wish this season was taped in 1998 so Molly Shannon could play her on SNL.
I’m Sally O’Malley and I like LEATHUH!
She’s making everyone nuts with her hammering, but she doesn’t care cuz she’s rock n’ roll and she’s gonna be rock n’ roll til she dies! Poor rock n’ roll. Like it hasn’t taken enough of a beating since the electronic era took over. Tim comes in to check on progress and he starts with Jennifer, who’s latest Audrey Hepburn ape-ing is taking place. It’s a mess, and he tells her so. She takes it very seriously. You can tell because there’s not even an inch of gums.
Tim stops over at Keith’s station and just has one question. “What is it?” LOL, Gunn. Keith starts babbling and Tim stops him to ask “Yeah, but what is it?” I love this man. Keith shows him the pic of the tread on magazine and Tim crinkles his face and asks if he’s planning on giving the dress some sort of shape. And is that Julia Roberts’ elbow? He is silent for a long while when he gets to Kenly, and Terri gets the same reaction. She explains that she is into street culture and has “diversity in creativity”. He agrees that the junked out newspaper machine looks exactly like her junked out work, and she claims that when her model turns around and people see that its a dress in the front and pants in the back, they’ll exclaim “OH MY GOD!” He asks her if they will be saying it like they are happy or like they just found a street person in their home.
Leanne is sticking with her wacky “new shapes” thing, but this week her work is more refined. Well, the skirt is. She hasn’t started on the blouse yet. Tim thinks it’s gorgeous so far, but warns her against going too far again. Emily gets the opposite advice. She doesn’t really get it when Tim tells her she made a black dress with a giant clown corsage pinned to it, so he gracefully refrains from pulling out a zippo and starting it on fire and instead tells her he wants more. I’m assuming he means money, because no one is paid enough to have to look at some of the crap he’s had to look at today. Emily tells us that she is confident in her work despite Tim’s criticism because she has her own sense of style. Yes, we know you do, cuz you have a new wacky headband on every day. OY. Where did they find these people?
Pocahontas dressed like this and the white man stole her land. Maybe you should just, like, comb your hair or something.
Tim has nothing to say about Blayne’s work, but there are still cameras rolling so Blayne comes up to him anyway and says “Holla atcha boy.” Tim repeats “Holler at you boy” a few times, but still doesn’t get it so he asks Blayne what it means. Shockingly, Blayne doesn’t know, leaving Tim to repeat it over and over mindlessly as he leaves. I can’t wait til he tries to use that at the next Corkmaster’s Meet and Greet. The next day, Stella puts on my favorite outfit.
I wish my Meemaw would throw out the Marshall’s knit sweaters and get some fashion sense like Stella. You’re never too old to dress like a dirty used up crack whore, Meemaw! Love, Flip
Last minute preparations and model fittings get underway, but there is a problem with Keith’s model. She had to drop out because she was caught eating a cookie off the Kraft service table, so Keith is stuck with someone else. He tells us how difficult this is gonna be and how he’s such a champion for rising above it and blah blah. It’s not like these models are all different sizes, for crying out loud. And besides, his dress is shapeless so who cares? I wouldn’t say Keith is becoming the villain, but I can say that I def don’t like him.
Montage of “OMG NOTHING’s READY!” It’s the usual running around and screaming, but the quick shots we get of the dresses are way louder than normal. Time for the runway show! Heidi comes out looking a little bit wrecked. She’s lazy eyed today and she’s wearing a Fran Drescher blouse and a super tight shiny mini skirt with stilettos. Yikes. Ah well, it’s nice to see the fat bitch have the confidence to wear leopard print.
Is Seal out of town or what, ho?
The guest judge for the week is “nightlife officianado” Sandra Bernhard. WHAT HAPPENED TO SANDRA??? It looks like she’s wearing a Nixon mask. Botox can only do so much for crying out loud. I love me some Sandra Bernhard, but I am frightened.
David Bowie’s face stung by a swarm of bees.
Heidi tells us that Sandra will be touring the nation with her one woman show “Without You, I’m Nothing”. That show came out like twenty years ago. She’s reviving herself. I guess I can see why. I went to see her here in LA last year and all she did was complain about her boring wife and her nanny. I love Sandra and I will probably pay to see her again, but keep her ass on stage, please. The cameras are assholes. Also, before we get started, I should mention that Jerell should be kicked off this show just for how he’s dressed for the runway.
Five wrongs don’t make a right, sir.
Keith tells us that his work is a “beautiful piece of killer fashion”, but his poor model looks like a mop that was used to clean up after a little girl’s princess party. Blayne’s model looks like she was pulled out of a magician’s sleeve, and Straight Guy’s girl is dressed like a tacky rich lady’s dog. She even has a tail! Was that lamp in Trump Tower?
Emily’s dress is hideous. It looks almost exactly like Blayne’s, but with different colors as the clown ruffles. Leanne’s finally made the squircangle work for her, and I am proud of the girl. The dress isn’t great, but it’s a helluva lot better that her work last week, and I am curious to know how many different ways she can try and sell this new innovative shape. My heart falls when Jennifer’s dress comes down the runway, though. It looks like someone knocked up Holly Golightly and then left her all poor and disheveled on the street. If Audrey Hepburn were with us today, she would totally die right now.
Jerell did a pretty good job this week. He took pics of the fountain at Columbus Circle but I guess stared at the murky green water a little long. Oh top it’s a pretty, simple ball gown and on the bottom it’s Deadwood Hooker time, and I liked Deadwood. Kelli did a black macrome thing for her top and then made a little leather skirt. Her model looks like Stella probably did before the semi truck we call time ran her over and left her for dead. Daniel’s inspiration was a shiny wall, which is a total cop out. He just wanted to make something shiny! He ended up with a green simple dress with a kind of a banner thing. Not gross, but totally bore snore.
Kenly’s dress, predictably, is hellafug. Pointy shoulders? Giant hips? Misplaced purple tulle covering half the skirt for no reason? All checks. Someone shot Ariel the mermaid and made a severely nasty dress out of her. Mermaid killer! Pleather is worried that his work is “just way too abstract”. What’s abstract about that? I saw that shiny brown with gold buttons and a gold chain belt crap at Forever 21 like two weeks ago. It’s cheap and wrong and he will probably win, because the PR god hates me this year. Stella accomplished her goal of making a rock n’ roll outfit, but it’s really boring. I love it though because it makes her bony ass model look like she has a muffin top, and that always wins points from me.
Korto did a super plain black jumpsuit, which was somehow inspired by a very ornate column. I don’t get it. Why bother? Is she afraid that she was too creative last week? She looks very upset, like when Effie found out Beyonce stole her song. Terri’s work is better than Kenly’s, in case you were wondering who won the hideous pattern smackdown, but that’s all I can really say about it. The junked up newspaper stand looks like it was dressed by Prada, compared to this mess.
Keith, Kenly, Emily, Terri, Jennifer, and Leanne are kept on the runway. Huh? I get that they would be in the lowest, but who’s the highest here? This is so wrong. Kenly’s up first. Sandra thinks that it would only work on a tall thin (blind?) woman, but Kenly argues that the shape can hide a lot. Kors says it will only hide something if you have one giant thigh and one normal thigh. LOL. Sandra adds goiters and larg growths to the mix. Kors says it looks like an 80′s Joan Collins power bitch dress, which I think is way kind. He must have been doing lots of blow then. AND NOW, cuz it turns out that he meant that as a COMPLIMENT!!! WTF? Nina chimes in that it’s very LaCroix and she thinks it’s adorable. Uh….this is the last time I paid attention to LaCroix…
At least Eddy meant it as a joke.
Kors says Keith’s stomped on magazine dress looks like toiletpaper in a wind storm. HA. Heidi calls him out on the shapelessness, and Nina say’s it looks unpolished. His excuse is that “it’s my point of view”, but Nina gets a bit miffed and says it’s sloppy. Then he makes a goofy face at her. Boy, you better watch it. Actually, don’t. I have always been annoyed that Nina has stopped at actual physical violence. Keep being a dickwad!
When the judges get to Terri, she starts snapping her fingers and talking about how her girl is the girl who gets invited to all the parties. Sandra…AGREES. She says that the look is fabulous and the person who would buy it would be the girl who would cut you if you fucked with her in a dark alley. I think the girl who’d buy it would be in dark allies a lot of the time. Heidi loved it, Kors loved it. What am I missing, here?
She’s already wearing the eggs I wanna throw at her.
Sandra gets her shit back together and tells Emily that her dress is chacha, and Nina throws in a Carmen Miranda for good measure. The judges all love Squircangle’s planter dress, meaning Jennifer is in the bottom. She knows it, but she gives the best presentation she can anyways. Something about surrealism and clocks and Holly Golightly and Salvador Dali. Kors is like yeah uh uh it looks like crap. Heidi hates it, Nina thinks it boring, and Sandra stays quiet.
In alone time, the judges praise Teri and Kenly, which I don’t get, but I feel happy when they give Squircangle her due. Emily is on top of the bad pile, and for the first time ever, Nina has NO COMMENT. HAHAHAHAAAAA. Love her. Keith was too bright and shapeless, and when the talk turns to Jennifer, Heidi says that she doesn’t wanna see any more from her. Damn, Heidi! Take a nap!
And the winner is….Kenly the Mermaid killer. Two weeks in a row I am way off. The bottom two are Emily and Jennifer, and Heidi tells Emily that her work was boring and distracting. Jennifer was matronly. Jennifer is…IN! Wow. I thought for sure she was a goner. Emily’s outta there, and she can’t believe it. She thinks there was work that was way worse than hers, which is hard to call. Ah well, she’ll always have her headbands.
What do you guys think?Did the work today suck as hard as I thought it did or should I just start drinking again?
Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit