This week on Project Runway, there are actually projects that don’t suck on the runway. Will the rest of the season be teamwork challenges?
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it not act like an asshole.
Korto feels much stress at the beginning of this hour because she has immunity for her bizarre sailor suit win from last week. She says that since she’s guaranteed safety, she will leave the heartbreaking stories of rape, murder and oppression to the other designers this week. Yay! I wanna hear how hard it was on Leatha growing up with kids beating on her all day because she looks like a female impersonator. That can’t be easy on a kid.
Down in the gym (I know! I was shocked too. I think that’s a disturbing first for this show), Daniel tries to start a new workout routine to get himself ready for his new man, Boarding School Wesley. Someone’s gotta take the reigns and butch up to play the daddy role in that relationship. Two bottoms = early divorce. He tells us that he was a disaster on the runway last time so this week he is going to do everything he can to insure he’s not on the bottom. LOL. Good call on my part, no? Keith is training the little rugrat and he’s acting all supportive, but then he steals Daniel’s five pound weights and runs out of the gym.
Blayne is getting ready to leave the apartment carrying a bag made from the skin he shed off last week. How resourceful! The only one paying attention to him is the cameraman, but it’s enough to keep him muttering “licious” over and over for no reason like a crazy person.
Blayne and his faceless Mini Me
On the runway, Fat Bitch gets right down to business, asking Korto if she wants to keep her model or trade her off for someone smarter skinnier else. Korto decides that she will keep her lasy eyed big toothed scarred girl, cuz in Africa girls like that are killed and she wouldn’t be able to live with herself if fed her girl to the dogs.
Today’s challenge is to design for a “high powered and glamourous professional woman”. Blayne hopes it’s not Hillary Clinton because with what he’s done to his face over the years, they look kind of similar and he doesn’t want people getting them confused all day. Shockingly, it’s not Hillary Clinton even though she’s the most glamorous powerful woman that comes to mind for me, too.
Blayne’s guess is pretty stupid, but it’s nothing compared to some of the others. Kelli thinks it’s Nancy Grace. Yikes. She’s a better choice for Tim Gunn’s other show. The one where he strips people, gives them a firm fashion NO, and starts from the ground up. Stella guesses Sharon Osbourne. There’s a pause after she says it, probably because the off camera producers are stifling laughs. Then she adds “…she’s a business woman!”
It’s Brooke Shields! Uh oh, I hope she didn’t take any anti-depressants before coming in today. I don’t want Tom Cruise getting all upset. Tim introduces her as a model, author, actress, and fashion icon! So last year we got Sex and the City, and this year we get Lipstick Jungle. This season is nothing if not consistent in it’s not as good-ness. Pleather is beside himself when she enters the workroom, because of her “nothing comes between me and my Calvins!” ads from almost thirty years ago. You’re dating yourself Pleather. How can you be that old? You have a bleached and blue faux hawk! And a really catchy, sexy made up name! I thought you were totally young and fresh.
The challenge will to be create an outfit for Brooke’s character on Lipstick Jungle. That bs is still on the air? I tried to watch it for about five minutes and had to give up, so all I really know about it is that it’s a Sex and the City knockoff that FozzieBare refused to continue recapping last season because he felt he was losing a piece of his soul every time it came on. The look will have to be day-to-night because Brooke’s character has to wear the same thing at work as she does when she meets Piranda, Clamantha and Tarlotte for pink martinis and girl talk about Mr. Fig.
Blayne thinks he will be perfect in this challenge because Brooke’s character is the head of a movie studio and wife of a rock star and he has lots of glamorous and powerful friends like that back home. Sure ya do, little crinkly one. I’m sure Steven Spielberg is all upset that Project Runway has derailed y’alls Scrabble night. Now for the scary part, tonight’s challenge will be a team challenge! YES! This is going to be beautiful. Kenley is freaked out because she thinks some of the others plainly don’t know what the hell they’re doing and she doesn’t wanna get stuck with a loser. You know, like someone who might wanna design something that would be worn, I dunno, in the 2000′s. They will all have thirty minutes to sketch, and the six best (according to Brooke) will be the team leaders.
Jerell has decided to make something that fits the challenge this week. He will have time for his trademarked Hobosexual look once he’s gotten that polka dotted down and out Ruth Buzzie hat from last week out of the judges minds. Keith, fawning over his own sketch, tells us that his work today is going to be very innovative because the sleeves can be long or they can be short! Holy crap, screw the light bulb, this is the best invention ever. Kelli, who didn’t say more than a sentence last week, is going to go for a Bohemian look. To me, Bohemian means smelly thrift store clothes. To Kelli, it means animal print. OY. So her thing is officially animal print. That’s hellatacky and I wish she knew it, but I still like her because her talent of blinking one eye independently of the other and looking like a lush in every screen grab still hasn’t gotten old to me.
Daniel thinks that he has an edge in this one because one of his parents is Moroccan and one is Israeli, which means that he understands how a strong independent woman should dress.
Pleather is the first to pitch, and he has sketched a jacket with giant poofy sleeves. What a coincidence! Brooke is actually wearing giant poofy sleeves today! Pleather is usually so original and forward thinking, I’m sure it’s just a happy accident. She calls him out on the giant sleeves and he promises not to make her look 1800′s. Then he winks and giggles and blows kisses so I am sure he will be chosen because he’s totally charming.
Brooke kinda looks over Kelli One Eye’s leopard print blouse as she looks over the leopard print sketch. She sweetly says “well, it’s the jungle!” I waited for her to ask why there wasn’t a huge bone hair piece, but she never did. Brooke like’s Kenley’s simple 50′s neckline because it balances out her hips. Yeah Brooke, you’re an enormous fucking pig. Thank god someone figured out how to hide your disgusting body. She likes Kenley’s plan so far, but what she doesn’t know is that it will most likely be made from loud aqua blue or teel material covered in cockatoos or some shit like that.
Blayne has drawn som bright nonsensical craziness. He tells Brooke that he didn’t want to make her something typical so he was thinking…drumroll…Bermuda shorts. Not enough glamourous power players wear Bermuda shorts in New York’s high society anymore. Brooke nods and smiles and tells him “that’s not a bad idea!…” if I was on a jungle cruise to obscurity. Daniel’s sketch is all textures, which Brooke likes. Keith’s is, too, and she loves it. He explains that the sketch is of fringe, which is his “thing”. Brooke loves this idea and I don’t blame her from looking at the sketch. Unfortunately, the end result in real life usually looks more like wadded up kleenex glue gunned to a skinny girl.
Leatha has designed a corset, and she’s wearing pig tails as she pitches, which makes the whole thing much scarier. Brooke doesn’t know quite what to say, so she just says that the character “still has to go to work in this.” And then Leatha makes this face:
Who’s stoppin’ her from workin’, fruit loop?
Korto doesn’t seem to excited about her own design, but that’s nothing new. She doesn’t get excited about…anything. Ever. Even when she wins. Straight Guy’s come up with take on a tux shirt, and Jerell kinda shimmies his shoulders and raises the roof and acts as gay as possible, because his substitute for actual talent is a wacky personality. Tim gathers them all in the workroom and announces a surprise! The outfit Brooke chooses will appear on Lipstick Jungle! Woah! That is a total surprise! A tie in with an NBC show? NUTS! I hope Biggest Loser is next because I want to see some designer meltdowns. The first sketch Brooke chooses is Keith’s. Poor thing doesn’t know what she’s getting into.
What Keith’s “thing” looks like on paper.
What Keith’s “thing” looks like in real life.
Hopefully his team mate will tone him down and show him how a woman body is shaped. Brooke’s second choice is Korto. Brooke mentions the “ethnicity” that Korto talked about. They didn’t show this “ethnicity” on camera, so it’s probably the same running from Africa stuff she told us last week. The girl from Lipstick Jungle who runs a movie studio needs to be dressed to flee from male oppression at a moments notice, and she needs to look as ethnic as possible while doing it. Brooke also likes Jerell, which kills her credibility with me. I have to remind myself that she hasn’t actually seen the season at the time they shot this episode, so all she’s basing her decisions on are sketches (Jerell’s is good) and personalities (not so much). Again, hopefully his partner will help him not suck as much. Or maybe they will make it worse, which would be better for us because there has been no Hobosexual breakdown yet, and you know it’s coming at some point.
Brooke chooses Kelli next, but warns her that she has to tone down the leopard print because she doesn’t want the jungle theme to be so on the nose. Kelli blinks one eye, which means she’s psyched. Or sad. Or drunk. Or all of the above. Terri is chosen next because she’s the only person who sketched pants, and the final designer is Blayne. !?!?!?!??!?!???!?!?!?! Oh for fuck’s sake, woman. You chose bermuda shorts for a day to night look? She says that she’s a little scared, which cracks everyone up. They tell her that people always get scared of the little crack head. She picked him for the same reason the producers most likely did. Because he’s so “different”. He’s not different than the multitudes of passed out Blaynes in raves and dark alleys everywhere.
Blayne chooses Leanne, who is afraid because he’s “so different”. If you’ve scared the inventor of the squircangle, it’s time to check yourself. Keith takes a really long time to choose a partner and finally decides on Kenley. He says that she’s a little headstrong for his taste, but as long as she shuts her mouth and comes up with plenty of ideas for him to steal, he’s fine with her. Terri chooses Pleather, and the editors don’t cut away to let her explain why. I imagine she just shrugged at the camera and rolled her eyes. Korto chooses Straight Guy, leaving Kelli One Eye with the final choice. It’s between Daniel and Leatha. She is agonized because she doesn’t wanna hurt Stella’s feelings, but she chooses Daniel anyway and justifies it by telling us that she doesn’t want Leatha to have to go home just in case she can’t pull off the construction. Everyone hates on Leatha because she’s a weirdo, but she’s cranked out way better work than Daniel, who just rolls his eyes a lot and tells everyone how “refined” and “high end” he is before sending down baggy frumpy horribly sewn dreck down the runway. Kelli can tell Daniel isn’t too happy, but she hopes it’s because he was chosen practically last and not because he has to work with her. Jerell tries to look at the bright side and shrugs when he’s left with Stella, saying he’s planning on using leather anyway. LOL. Poor Leatha.
Each team will get a hundred and fifty bucks. At Mood, Kenley is unabashedly bitchy with Keith, who deserves it so yay. She hates everything he chooses and comes to him with an almost neon flower print. They can’t agree, so they bring Tim into it. He takes one long scrunch faced look and tells them to keep looking. Kenley’s offended, which makes me hope Tim comes by to rag on her all night long. She’s a dick. Daniel tells us that Kelli One Eye’s choices are pretty tacky and his are way more classy. Cut to Kelli asking his opinion and him refusing to give one. She pushes him and he finally says “it’s nice!” Passive aggressive much? Daniel’s going to just keep his mouth shut, thankful that he has very little responsibility so he can slide by another week. At some point, he’s gonna have to make something that doesn’t suck, but I guess he’ll cross that bridge when the car behind him rear ends him and forces him onto it.
Back at the workroom, Tim tells the designers that there will be no immunity for this challenge. The prize is having Brooke Shields redesign whatever they make to wear on camera. Kenley and Keith pretty much hate each other from the start and it’s hard to tell who’s in the right. We see Keith draping his models, and frankly, neither of them look like winners right now.
Mrs. Roeper isn’t a character on Lipstick Jungle. Yet. They do need a Samantha though, so fingers crossed.
Kenley decides to overcome the bad foot they started out on by being really positive about everything. Kidding! Daniel asks her if she likes the design she’s working on and she’s all oh hell no! Keith is doing something really flowy and chiffony, which is nothing like a housewife from the fifties, so she has no interest. The only thing they’ve got in common is a taste for really loud prints. Closeup of Jerell’s hands. WHY? If anyone’s interested, it looks like Jerell’s a nail biter.
Hopefully, that color is made with lead.
Kelli says that she doesn’t like any help from people because she was raised by her handicapped grandma. She hopes to win this one so Grandma One Eye can see her on TV. From the nursing home that she will hopefully be rich enough to pay for if Brooke likes her. Over on the other side of the room, Pleather is sweating all over the place and freaking out. Terri comes over to check up on him. He says that he draped the top and there isn’t enough fabric to finish so he doesn’t want to cut anything without her approval. She tells us that she doesn’t wanna be a control freak but every time she looks over at him he’s sweating and whining and repeating his own name over and over again. Then she utters the line that has made me forever hers: “I don’t know what he’s packin, balls or vajayjay, but he needs to work that out cuz I ain’t got no babies, ain’t nobody suckin’ on my tittie so please. Man up.” LOL, Amen, and I love you forever don’t change a thing.
Blayne is pitching ideas to Squircangle. Didn’t you sketch something? I think you’re supposed to be making that, k? She says no to everything, which he loves. Then we get a little background on him. His parents are both divorced and remarried and they’re just crazy, which is crazy isn’t it and that’s why he’s so darn crazy! We get it. You’re crazy. You know what you should do? Shorten some words! That’s what crazy people do! Collab? There ya go, you nut! Someone get him a spinoff!
Kenley comes over to check on Keith and tellls him that his work looks tacky and South Beach-y. She explains to us that Keith knows she’s an A type so she had no problem telling him to start over again. Then she projects as loudly as possible in the workroom about how he needs to start all over and she’s just giving her opinion because she’s opinionated, just in case anyone doubted it or had any questions sometime in the future. Like on the runway. Jerell doesn’t quite know what the hell Stella’s doing to his work, but he doesn’t care. It has to be better than the polka dot hat. She’s pulled out a hammer, which is awesome. While she bangs away, Keith and Jerell discuss how they’ll be going to Bryant park together when this is all done. To watch from big screens in the Bravo greenroom tent, no doubt.
Tim comes in, but instead of checking on everyone, he brings in the models for an early fitting. Daniel made Kelli’s skirt, and it’s a mess. Daniel says that it’s no problem, it just has to be fixed. She agrees, but fixing to her means starting from scratch. From what we are shown, she’s right. The skirt looks really bad. Daniel rolls his eyes and tells us that he doesn’t care because it’s not his design. Yeah, know why? Cuz yours wasn’t good enough. Get to work, butch!
Things aren’t going any better for Terri and Pleather. She goes to check on his work and it looks like an uneven, unformed crapfest. She has no problem saying it to his face (in a kind of nice way, considering), which pleases Kenley. She starts chanting fight! Fight! Fight! And tosses a jar of Vaseline to Pleather, warning him to take off his earrings or Terri’ll rip up his lobes. He says that he’s only doing the shirt cuz Terri told him too and now she doesn’t like it!!! Waaaaahhhh!!! I don’t remember Terri asking him to make a poorly sewn tent, but maybe that part’s on the cutting room floor. Kenley warns him that he better come up with a defense on the runway, because if you can’t sew very well, blaming other people is very important.
Tim comes in with two hours left to check on progress. He thinks that Blayne’s shorts are way too casual, but he likes the top. Blayne tells Tim “holler atcha boi!” and Tim laughs. I think he was the only person in the country that did, but nice to see the scrunchy face go away for a sec. Tim is loving Leatha and Jerrel’s work, and it’s hard to see where he’s coming from on that one.
This is what telenovela stars wear when they lift weights.
Tim says that you can tell they are collaborating, and I agree. It’s not bad. It’s really really bad. Congrats you two! Kelli One Eye’s number is looking pretty hideous, too, and I’m kinda surprised because she’s usually good. She’s putting the leopard print with teal accents, and the result isn’t very promising. Tim is dubious, which basically means they’re screwed. He moves on to Pleather and Terri next, and they are tense and silent. He asks what’s up and Pleather says that they have very different styles. Tim asks what the difference is. Silence, and then they start talking at the same time.
Terri: He’s a woman ass whine face and can’t do shit.
Pleather: She’s meeeean!
Tim loves it, so they cheer up and group hug. Then Terri and Tim wipe off the Pleather sweat and pretend it never happened. Tim is happy with Kenley and Keith’s progress too, and he mentions how horrible it would have looked with the god awful print Kenley chose at first. LOL. Korto and Straight Guy are next. They’ve made a giant, bright orange jacket that looks like what I imagine women getting their hair cut in India wear.
Just a little off the bangs, please. My dot needs to show.
Tim isn’t thrilled about the jacket, and Straight Guy immediately says that he agrees that the jacket’s baggy and It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown-y but he’s trying to be supportive of Korto. OUCH. Straight Guy is the biggest girl of the season, and that’s saying something. After Straight Guy agrees with Tim’s assessment that the jacket looks like a sweet potato (HAHA), Korto calls him out on only saying something only because Tim’s there. He says he’s only agreeing now because Tim’s actually there now but he was thinking it the whole time. Korto snaps, right in front of Tim, that she has immunity this challenge and if this doesn’t work, Straight Guy will be the one to go. She tells us that if Straight Guy was standing in the street and a bus was coming, she wouldn’t just say oh well there goes another straight guy, who cares?, she would pull him to safety and say what’s up you fucking breeder moron that was a bus! Loving Korto. When Tim leaves, Straight Guy tells us how shocked he is that Korto got so mad when he just tried to make a couple little suggestions. She’s no dummy. She tells him straight up that she will cut him if he fucks with her so from now on don’t pull that crap. I have two heroes this episode! What’s happening?
The next morning, it’s run time. Kelli is hoping that Daniel pulls his shit together and comes up with a decent skirt. Kenley watches from the sidelines and tells us that Daniel is always talking about his sophisticated style but she’s never seen evidence of it. Damn, Kenley. I’m not disagreeing, but why the bitcherie? She was his best friend last week. Jerell gets defensive when he sees Terri parading around the work room in her shirt “like her shit don’t stink”. Oh, Jerell, everyone’s gonna love your neon green leather weight belt. What are you so worried about? Korto and Straight Guy are still acting out, but they’re worried and they should be. Their dress that goes under the Great Pumpkin is really horribly done. You can see the darts and uneven lines all over the place.
Jerell is taking issue with Kelli and Daniel’s work. What cracks me up is how he’s dressed while he backseat critiques other people’s taste.
Hell. I look better and I got this from the dumpster outside Mood, grrrrrrl! Snap headroll snap tooth suck.
Montage of everyone getting ready in the nick of time. Mostly, this is just a montage of Jerell and Kenley badmouthing everyone else’s designs, so I hope one of them gets in troubs today. During break, there’s a Lipstick Jungle commercial and Rosie Perez is on it!
Never mind what I said before. I love this show now.
Then they show a shot of Andrew McCarthy saying “I just thought I’d come by to lose a few fingers to frost bite.” EW. Hate this show again. Rosie, get a new agent. Time for the runway show! Fat Bitch comes out to say her lines, and she sounds super fluid and professional. HAHA just kidding, but it gets weird writing the same thing every week. Brooke is wearing zebra print. What was that you said about not being too on the nose? She makes up for it by doing a hilarious impression of Kors’ chins.
Korto’s look is up first, and the jacket looks kind of cute, in a Happy Endings Massage Parlor kind of way. The dress is the problem. The sewing is really poor and looks hideous on the model. Kelli’s up next. The boobs are uneven, the colors are hideous, and the whole look is trashy. She’s not psyched about it, Daniel’s not psyched about it. They’re in troubs. Jerell’s work isn’t as bad as usual. In fact, it’s pretty cute! I could do without the giant green weight lifter belt, but the blouse is simple and chic and the dress is animal printy in a not too tacky way. The purse looks like a diaper bag, but that’s Bluefly.com’s fault. Jerell says that Brooke gave him a “yay! It’s right!” look, which he wasn’t expecting. Me either, hobosexi, me either.
Keith and Kenley’s outfit worked out well. The blouse is flowy and flattering, and the skirt looks like it was made from Snuffleupagus, but it’s pretty and flattering on the model instead of bulky and formless, like most of Keith’s work. It pains me to say it a little cuz K and K are both kinda assholes, but well done! Terri and Pleather’s work? Not so much. The model looks like a football player in that thing. She’s wearing black stretch pants and the huge top which is sloppily belted way too low. To make it worse, when the model gets to the end of the runway she has to readjust the outfit so it doesn’t fall off. I don’t think anyone could wear that to work or out for drinks after without being made fun of loudly. Bette Midler, as a high powered glamourpuss in Big Business, told a secretary dressed like this that she looked like a blood clot. That was in the eighties. Just saying.
Blayne and Squircangle made shorts, a tank, and and a casual button up with a big collar. The shorts are sewn pretty badly, because the model looks like she’s got a package and a flat butt. Also, the cuffs are sewn unevenly so that they look like when chunky peoples shorts kinda scrunch up the middle of their legs. I know from personal experience what that looks like, and as happy as I am to see a bony model with similar problems to mine, ew. The top is very Calvin Klein casual with the addition of a pearl necklace. It’s actually not hideous, but it doesn’t fit the challenge. On a sidenote, his model looks like Heidi Montag, which doesn’t help.
Jerell and Stella, Kelli and Daniel, Keith and Kenley, Blaine and Leanne are kept on the runway. Boo! I wanted to see Korto rip Straight Guy a new one. Jerell is in one of his below the nips shirts and some kind of skirt/apron thing, so he should be eliminated immediately. The show doesn’t follow my rules, unfortunately, so he stays. Brooke likes the dress, but she hates the belt. Kors calls it flirty and feminine.
Kelli takes credit for her jacket and gives Daniel credit for the skirt and the belt. Brooke calls the shape unfortunate and Kors makes the model take of the jacket and then calls her a slut. Nina says that she’s worried about the taste level because you can’t get it if you don’t already have it. OK ouch. You guys were the ones who hired these tools. If anyone’s lacking in taste level it’s you. Fug starts at the top! Thankfully, Kelli One Eye isn’t wearing her own leopard print fiasco to worsen the sitch. Kors also calls Daniel out too for not saying anything. When asked who should go home if this outfit loses, Kelli says that she won the first challenge and has never been in the bottom so if someone has to go it shouldn’t be her. Daniel says for the millionth time that he has very high end taste. Kenley starts cracking up! Wow. This girls c wordiness knows no bounds. Really low. Heidi asks why she’s laughing and Kenley just laughs harder and asks for everyone to ignore her. It would be easier to ignore you if you’d shut your fat horsey face, BITCH.
Brooke loves Kenley and Keith’s work and says that her character could wear it. Kors thinks they brough both their extremes together for a successful piece. Blayne is next. Brooke says that she was initially scared and she was right. The outfit isn’t refined enough. Blayne excuses it by telling Brooke what the character would do, which cracks me up because it’s awesome to imagine Blayne running home from skid row in time to watch Lipstick Jungle. Nina says that she’s ashamed Squircangle didn’t pull Blayne through. Blayne says “you guys know I’m crazy!” Brooke laughs and reminds him that she’s never met him before. LOL. Heidi tells him not so gently that the model looks like she doesn’t have a mirrior. When asked who should go home if they lose, Blayne takes responsibility for the design and says it should be him. Not gonna happen cuz he’s not a jerk (KELLI ONE EYE!) and besides, they didn’t suck as hard as the other team.
Squircangle, not learning much from Blayne’s humility and self sacrifice, agrees that it should be Blayne. In alone time, the judges repeat themselves. Heidi liked Jerell’s the best (?!? wouldn’t go that far) and Brooke liked Keith and Kenley’s because it was classy. Kors thinks Kelli was just masturbating on the runway and Nina says her taste level is fightening. Heidi reminds her that Daniel has sucked every week. Nina is sick of the Blayne show and doesn’t like that he doesn’t listen. Brooke words his odd behavior as “bratty”. Brooke’s a very classy girl, cuz you know someone who’s been in Hollywood that long knows a coke addict when she sees one and could just as easily have said “he’s gonna die choking on his own vomit if he keeps that shit up.”
D. I’ll stick to Target, thank you.
Brooke chooses Keith as the winner and Jerell shakes his head a bit like he’s telling Brooke off in his mind. Keith is cocky about his win and says that he looks forward to proving himself to the judges. Well let’s hope you get Kenley’s help in every challenge, eh? Kelli and Blayne are left on the runway as the bottom two. Kelli is told that her construction sucked and her taste level was worse. Blayne left them speechless. Kelli’s was worse today, but she’s been way better over all. Will it count? NO! Blayne’s in! I just blinked one eye in shock. WTF? HE’S NEVER GONNA DIE! I have to say I wasn’t expecting that AT ALL. In a season of so many crappy designers, I’m surprised they would let someone go with one mistake and keep all the consistent losers, but that’s why I’m at home in holey underwear and the judges are on TV.
Kelli takes it like a big girl on the stage but she tells us that she didn’t deserve it and she’s pissed even though she knows her work was hoochie momma today. She tells the other designers that she will try to make it big at home and get good enough to make classy clothes. WHATEVS. I’ll miss ya, one eye!
Next week, Chris March comes out as the singing fat lady for a drag queen challenge. Finally! A challenge made for LEATHA!