Project Runway: The Night Flamenco Died. Again.

This week on Project Runway, big girls cry. Well, one does.

Zebra print hurts us all, Pleath.

Last week, Kelli One Eye was sent back home to take care of her sick grandma and I cried. My eyes are dry now, cuz I’m fickle like that, and it’s on to the next sucka! One of the first shots of the day is Stella Leatha getting up in the morning. Yikes. She looks like Olive Oyl coming out of a drug coma. It’s sweet that she’s wearing pink, though, cuz I just figured she slept in old dirty tights and, well, leatha.

Skip the coffee and open a can of spinach, girl.

Korto is as shocked as me that Kelli was kicked off and Daniel slid by yet again, and she’s not much nicer about it than I was, saying that it’s not good enough to slip by. A better strategy would be to not suck so much. Agreed. I became a fan of Korto last week after she threatened to cut Straight Guy, so I am going to pretend nothing she’s made so far sucked so we can start with a clean, hero’s slate.

Speaking of cutting Straight Guy, he’s starting his morning by complaining about how Keith didn’t deserve to win because all he does is sew swatches on to his models. Again, agreed, but Straight Guy is super rude and needs to be taken down a peg. And he needs to stop dressing like a stage manager unless he’s gonna shut his trap and move some furniture around. Blayne is wearing a shirt that says “Poolboy”, and I had to press pause because my mind wouldn’t stop spinning. A memory…it’s coming to me…Dixie Wetworth! That’s who he reminds me of! I knew the face but I couldn’t place him…

Oh Cabana boooy!

Fat Bitch comes out looking as adorable and bony as ever, and she cuts right to the special guest. CHRIS MARCH! And he’s wearing the Fat Lady Sings costume with disco ball boobies. When Chris announces that this challenge will be to design a dress for a drag queen, Blayne mutters “too much drama!”. He also wrote that on a sticky in the beginning of the episode. I hope the producers told him that America wants licious dead and this just is his new attempt at Urban Dictionary fame. UGH. I know Chris is just here to introduce the challenge, but I can’t help but wish that the producers found some technicality to allow him back on for the third time. All it took last year was a nose that wouldn’t stop bleeding. If someone would just take a baseball bat to Blayne, we’d get Marchie back! Come on Korto, I’m talking to you! Chris brings the cast of queens out on the runway, and if I hadn’t heard the intro I would have thought it was the Rock of Love girls.

Brett’s gonna really have a hard choice the third time around.

The designers try not to act as mortified as they are. The only one who can’t hide her dismay is the one who looks like the male impersonator. Ironic, eh, Leatha? I can’t tell if she’s mad that she has to design for men or if she’s mad cuz there’s not a Cher impersonator and she feels dejected. Terri tells us how much she loves drag queens and then she licks her teeth at them. Ew. Stop that. Some of the drag names are just awesome. Farrah Moans? Anidda Greenkard? LOLOLL. I actually recognize Hedda Lettuce. Her act is pretty heavy on the raunch, and I kinda wish that Jennifer was still here to get paired with her just so I could see the look of sheer confused terror on her face. And by her I mean, well, they would probably be afraid of each other.

Straight Guy gets to pick first and goes for Sherry Vine because he loves her legs. Daniel goes for Annida Greenkard because “we both have a love for Spanish aristocratic style”. At least he didn’t say glamour. Blayne chooses Miss Understood because no one lets him say licious anymore, Kenley chooses Farrah Moans and then laughs that horsey laugh. She better keep her smart mouth in check this week or Farrah will beat her ass. Straight Guy chooses Varla Jean Merman because she looks the most like his wife, and Terri chooses Sweetie because she loves sugar. Sweetie, “NYC’s big titted honkey soul mama”, or as I like to think of her, Divine, tells Terri to “watch out honey, you might rot your teeth.” HAHA I love this episode.

Pleather says his name a few times and then chooses Hedda Lettuce. Squircangle chooses the most awkward one, Sharon Needles. This is weird. It’s like how people choose dogs that kind of resemble them. Jerell chooses LeMay, which is actually spelled Lame. See? Terri goes for Acid Betty but thankfully doesn’t lick her teeth, and Leatha chooses Luisa Verde because…she’s the only one left. I can’t imagine why.

Good to see Horatio Sanz working.

Fat Bitch tells the designers to go chill with their big girls a bit while she gets pretzels and beeuh with Marchie. Tim meets them in the workroom to go over rules. Each queen has their own persona and the challenge is to design around that persona. The queens come in and are very quiet and demure. LeMay tells Jerell that she doesn’t want anything too costumey because she doesn’t need it. She has her face and that’s enough to scare people into tipping big. Miss Understood, who is currently wearing a giant sparkly frog dress, tells Blayne that drag is all about smoke and mirrors but he’s lucky he’s with her and not Hedda Lettuce so he doesn’t have to put a bag over her head. LOL. I like Miss Understood because I like Phyllis Diller.

“Aim high and you won’t shoot your foot off.” – Phyllis Diller

That quote will have to do. I couldn’t find one about men dressed like big sparkly frogs, although I am sure there is one somewhere.

Squircangle loves that Sharon Needles is futuristic, so she is going to come up with something “Jetsons, yet fashion forward.” Uh, I think since the Jetsons takes place in 2062, you’re on the right track, Squirc. She doesn’t have plans, however, to fix Needles’ eyebrows, which is a giant mistake. I know you can only do so much in a day, but Ronald McDonald has a better stylist.

When I hit the town with Mayor McCheese, I want the whole world to stand and notice!

Straight Guy tells us that it took him ten minutes just to stop freaking out about the gayness shooting off all around him and stares, bewildered, at Varla Jean as she pops off one of her many hairpieces to show how versatile she is. Finally, he decides that to get through the challenge he will pretend he’s making a Halloween costume for one of his daughters. Jesus Christ, man, how big are your daughters? They are gonna be so mad when they hear him say that shit. Daniel seems a bit intimidated by his model, and who can blame the poor little thing?

Please don’t hurt me. I’m very glamorous.

On her way out, Sweetie tells Tim to call her. He laughs, but takes her number anyway. Atta boy, tiger! He takes the designers to Mood, where they get the stiffest, sparkliest material they can find. Leatha seems to have a firm idea planted in her head. “Luisa Verde wants to be a lady.” You don’t say. We are past the days of dark alley sex change ops, ok, Leatha? Just make a dress and save us all some pain.

Back at the workroom, Tim announces that the prize today is immunity. Keith immediately gripes that he didn’t get immunity for winning last week so he is definitely gonna try for it this time. Might wanna reach over and grab Kenley’s help, then. You’ll need it. Varla has left Straight Guy her big boobies, which he dances around in acting like a clown before hiding in the corner of the workroom and crying about his damn wife.

I miss you, babyyyyy! WAAAAHHHH!

Daniel, who apparently didn’t forget that his hag dissed him on the runway, asks Kenly if he can borrow her bra to make his mannequin look more like a manly woman. HA. Leatha warns Korto against whatever it is she’s thinking, and Korto tells us that she’s really confused because she’s out of her element. You don’t run into many drag queens when you’re on the run from Africa. Now if you wanna throw a banana seller’s challenge her way, she’s down.

Darn it. I guess I was wrong about the licious ban, because here comes a licious montage of Blayne not working and instead doing his best to get his really lame terminology into the American psyche. This time though, the montage is intercut with another montage of all the designers talking about what a tool he is with the licious. LOL. Leatha says he’s really cute “but knows nothing.” I never knew I was gonna like this woman so much, but I seriously can’t help it. She’s hilarious. Then Blayne is caught by a gay zookeeper and dragged away to jail for making gay people look so lame. Finally, Hobosexual tells him to shut the hell up.

I have nothing to add.

Jerell tells us how important this challenge is to him. He came from a lower (long beat) middle class family where the first rule was survival. He was taught that you can get anything you wanted as long as you looked in the right dumpster. Aw, hobosexi, that’s sweet. You still make me crazy though and no, I don’t have change. LET ME BE! Pleather, who is wearing a zebra print scarf on his head, says that he was just sitting there daydreaming when his grandpa showed up and told him to plant seeds all over his dress to grow lettuce. Then he slapped him and told him to butch it up and stop talking in the third person and embarrassing his family on national TV. I like this daydream grandpa. I am sure that Hedda Lettuce never thought of using lettuce before. If Pleather was a drag queen (and he’s pretty fuckin close), his name would be Onda Noze.

Is he wearing Leatha’s tights on his head?

Pleather continues that he was in college when his granddad passed away and it still makes him cry. He blows kisses up to heaven, and then chewed tobacco is spit back down in his face. Aw, Grandpa Pleather, you’re too much. On the other side of the room, Keith is putting together his dress, and guess what? It’s fringe and swatches! Kenley takes notice and starts talking behind his back about it. Kenley’s one of those girls I don’t really like but always want to sit next to.

Tim comes in towards the end of the day and brings all the drag queens with him, but they are dressed like boys today. It’s weird. No one recognizes their girl, and Blayne is especially surprised. “He’s just a short Mexican dude”. LOL, Blayne. Terri’s queen, Acid Betty, is actually kinda hot and shy as a man, and is a little worried that his “tittie will be hanging out”. Terri says that’s the point because she loves a wardrobe malfunction. Ha. Korto’s model isn’t as lucky in the hot department. He looks like a creepy uncle who has to keep moving because mobs of people read about him on the internet and then show up at his house with torches.

Not in our neighborhood, bucko!

His sparkling personality makes up for it though. He tells Straight Guy to shut his lip and makes a bunch of snotty ass comments to anyone within earshot. Kenly remarks that he’s not really a Sweetie at all. He’s an old bald dude shoving his fat pasty ass in a dress for tips. How fucking sweet would you be, horsey? Hobosexual has made this giant stiff Other Boleyn Girl collar for his model. Unfortunately for him, it’s LeMay, the one who insists that she has a gorgeous face. She sticks herself on the collar and cries that she’s suing. HAHA. I think every challenge should revolve around drag queens. In fact, every reality show should. Throw these bitches on an island with Jeff Probst and see what happens.

Straight Guy has made a giant pink Elvis costume, but Varla is good natured about it and tells him to change it into a lady sailor suit. She just saved his stupid ass. Ah well, she can’t know what an a hole he is so no points against her. And then a disturbing revelation: Luisa Verde is not, in fact, Horatio Sanz.

She’s Mike Wallace

He tells Leatha that he wants his dress tighter and she says that it will make him uncomfortable. He begs her and promises to crack a rib before he comes in for the runway show tomorrow. Love it. Pleather is having some major trouble with Hedda Lettuce. The main problem is that his work is fucking disgustingly and embarrassingly bad and she has no problem letting him know. First, she says she feels barnacle-y. LOL and good call. Then he adds the jacket, which is loud and fug. She says that she feels like Godzilla. LOLx2. Another good call. She wants to know where the sleeves are and Pleather tells her that he isn’t making sleeves and instead made the hideous gloves because she should show her pasty flabby underarms to get pity tips. She derides him for being too lazy to make sleeves. Hedda Lettuce is my Michael Phelps right now. She just keeps going for the gold. “What I’m saying is out of love. Unconditional and pure. (snarl) JUST GET IT RIGHT!” Pleather sweats all over his zebra scarf and tells us that he is pissed with Hedda’s attitude and he won’t be talked out of making something he believes in. Sorry dude, but there was a reason your grandpa wasn’t a designer. You should have never listened to him. Being dead doesn’t automatically mean you have sudden taste.

When the queens leave, Pleather complains about being treated like crap by Hedda, who he calls “Soggy Lettuce”. Hobosexual warns him to be ready to “read her ass” if she starts shit on the runway, and Pleather says that he won’t let Hedda dictate his future on Project Runway. I think your own work will speak for itself, Pleath. Then he tells us that he hopes he’s not thrown under the bus. If Hedda does it, it will be on the street under a literal bus, not in front of a bunch of pansy ass judges.

And what jury would convict her?

Tim brings Chris March in to check on progress with him, which is awesome. Chris is the only drag queen that looks exactly the same as a woman as he does as a man. Of course the facial hair helps. They start with Korto, who’s theme is “woman in heat”. He likes the jester collar, and suggests that she make the skirt that’s not working into a ripaway skirt so Sweetie can show off her legs.

Who doesn’t wanna unwrap that?

Or, the screengrab so nice you gotta use it twice.

Tim calls Blayne’s hot pink and aqua number with hot pink wings “a pterodactyl out of the gay Jurassic Park.” HAHAHA. Hilarious. Blayne takes it as a compliment and then, sensing this might be his last day (fingers crossed) says licious about ten times. Chris thinks Varla will die when she sees her pink sailor suit that Straight Guy made. He tries to pull the collar back up and pitch his original Elvis idea, but no one buys it. Sailor Suit it is. Pleather’s work still looks hideous, but when Tim and Chris approach, he focuses on Hedda’s attitude towards the gloves. Tim says that she was just being mean and Pleather needs to get in her face and say “I’ve been to a different rodeo, sister, so don’t f with me.” HAHA Go Gunn! A different rodeo? I don’t know what that means but I still love it because I think that Tim and Chris both know that their advice is going to get Pleather a stiletto to the forehead and they’re egging it on.

Keith’s shapeless wonder looks like Cruella DeVille’s hair. He promises a silent Tim and Chris that the real work comes in tomorrow when he shapes the dress on the model. Riiiight. Chris just shrugs and says “it’s…different”.

You wouldn’t even see this garbage at a drag funeral.

Daniel has chosen orange and yellow NEON. Oy. Tim likes the skirt but thinks the top is too plain. Chris says nothing with words, but his face won’t shut up.

Grrrrrrrllll…..

Daniel, true to form, tells us that he’s gonna ignore Tim’s advice because his work is “chic” and “glamourous”. To prove it to us, he has Blayne try it on, who asks Hobosexual if he looks handsome. “You look sunkissed”. That is the second time Jerell has made me laugh today. What gives? Blayne thinks he looks like Astro Pops in the dress, and I think that is the most acute fashion observation he’s made all season. Jerell’s giant collar is actually intricate and pretty on the dress form, but then I realize it’s BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T HAVE A HEAD. LeMay will very possibly be pissed that he’s insisted on finishing it and he knows it. He tells us that he’s gonna have to pretend that he’s selling vacuum cleaners door to door and hope that she likes it. Keep up the good work, buddy. You’ll be selling vacuum cleaners door to door in no time. What kind of response is that? And why is Hobosexi wearing Pleather’s scarf as a shirt?

One man’s trash is another man’s trash.

The next morning, Leatha can’t get out of bed. She kills me. Every single day. Meanwhile, in the boy’s room, Hobosexual and Blayne are giggling about Keith’s model walking down the runway looking like a wookie. HA. Even these two think you suck. Keith, you in danger, girl. Time for the getting ready at the last second montage. But this time there’s a kink. Pleather is at a sewing station affixing hot pink to the lining of his outfit when Hedda walks in. He tells her that he has taken her notes into consideration and needs her to stop being disrespectful and just put it on and work it. She seems genuinely shocked that she offended him. LOL. Instead of poking his eyes out with a nail file, like she should have done, she calmly says that they should be grown ups and put the drama behind them. She kisses him and walks away wiping the sweat off her glittery mouth.

The Tresseme hair salon segment is the best it’s ever been. When working on LeMay, she of the perfect face, the hairdresser stops and asks “is this your hair?” LeMay looks like she will kill the bitch. Luisa thinks she looks like Liz Taylor out of rehab, which also kills me.

Honey, if Liz looked like that they never would have let her out.

I shouldn’t be such a dick. Luisa is a total sweetheart and on her way out thanks the stylists, the crew, the lighting guys, the slate guy, the best boy, the kraft service people…cut to Korto trying to get her grumpy old man into a tight sequined dress. It’s absolutely hilarious. In her words: “I’m really worried because I don’t think there’s anything safe about a red sequins outfit in the size that I’m doing with red flames coming off the shoulder”. When she’s finally got her big boy into the dress, she is panting and sweating. LOL Man I am cracking up tonight. Leatha thinks that Jerell’s dress is classy, but she doesn’t mean it as a compliment. “These browads aren’t classy. They wear tacky shit on stage.” Leatha should be the Nina on the Lifetime Channel. Just putting it out there.

C. I’d rather look at actual boobies. What is this show doing to me?

Tim calls time and leads the girls to “the most fabulous runway show in the history of Project Runway,” and Blayne’s model has to side step through the door. Heidi comes out and intros the judges, and the special guest tonight is RuPaul. Yay! I googled Ru before the show started to see what she’s up to and what she’s promoting, and damn.

Yikes.

Dang, Ru. You used to be the sweetest drag queen ever. Why did you steal Christmas? She is here tonight promoting her new E list movie, Starrbooty. I’ll be looking out for that one at the local cineplex, RuRu. On with the show!

Kenley is out first and her model is Farrah Moans. Kenley did a classic Hollywood thing, of course, and it’s a pretty simple silver gown with a huge feather collar. The seams on the gown are pretty harsh and don’t hit Farrah in any of the right places. The collar is fitting, because Chris March made three of those last year. Blayne’s up next with Miss Understood’s Gay Jurassic Park number, and one of the wings broke and kinda lags behind her. Luckily for Blayne, his model came with a face you can’t stop looking at. It’s like one of those pictures you have to stare at for a long time to make any sense of. The judges probably didn’t even notice his shoddy work.

Straight Guy is up next with Varla Jean, and she works it, even though he made her sleeves look like she’s got serious wave jiggle. Jesus, she’s webbed. Otherwise, the outfit’s cute and fits Varla’s personality. She must have a huge one, cuz that belt buckle won’t stop. Leatha made Luisa a leather dress with plaid in the front and on the train. She admits that if a “normal woman” wore it on the runway she would have things thrown at her, but it’s drag so it works great. Kinda like how her version of “I Got You Babe” has only gone well in the Village.

Hedda Lettuce looks like she’s auditioning for the role of Audrey 2 in Little Shop of Horrors, but she does her best dancing and twirling to sell Pleather’s work. He caved a bit and shortened the sleeves, and he added a lift at the bottom of the jacket to give it some shape. It looks way better than it did in the workroom, but it’s still fug. Annida Greenkard comes out next in Daniel’s tie dyed neon wonder, and color aside, the skirt is gorgeous. His best yet. Not the best, but his best. He says that he’s really proud of his work and that “she pops!” How could she not? She’s in fucking neon. Oh, Daniel.

Terri made a Samuri outfit for Acid Betty, and yikes. It’s bulky, plasticy, and just plain messy. I like Terri and hope she doesn’t get her ass kicked on this ones. She took one of the best bodies on the runway and hid it under a tablecloth. An ornate tablecloth you would find in the finest Catholic churches, but a tablecloth all the same. She will probably win.

I think Leatha was a little off in her comments about Hobosexual’s work today. It’s classy kinda, but it is tacky too. And that’s good, right? This challenge has me all backwards. The big collar worked out great, and LeMay shows it off well. The dress is tight and well made. The colors even all work together. Nice work, Hobo! You might not have to sell vacuums after all. Korto’s flamer dress for ChiChi LaRue I mean Sweetie worked out well, too. I don’t really know what to say other than it’s huge, shiny and red, so there ya go. If you need an ambulance, call Sweetie. One note. Get some Spanx. Dang. Keith asked his model if she liked the fringe and she didn’t say no, so he didn’t dial it back or shape it, like he told Tim he was going to do. As a result, the only thing that looks good on Sherry Vine are her legs, which aren’t covered in anything. The rest is a total mess. I would call it a bad witch’s costume for Halloween, but why diss witches? Wal Mart has better work in their Halloween clearance aisle. He better get his today.

Squircangle is last out, and she is all about proving that she can sew shapes that didn’t previously exist. The dress is black with blue and grey accents, and Squirc has covered as much of her girl’s skin as possible. Sharon Needles’s dress is covered in more folds than Sweetie’s back. And she’s the only model that looks totally and completely like a boy. A very depressed boy. Who practices the dark arts in his grandma’s basement. Sad horns.

Blayne, Kenley, Pleather, Leatha, Squircangle are all safe. HUH? Squircangle and Pleather should have been kept out there. At least we’ve still got Keith. Terri is first to be questioned by the judges. Ru loves Terri’s Samurai outfit. You know what? I am gonna make a point right now not to argue during this judging session because I am not going to mess with Ru. She looks like the Grim Reaper and I am not quite ready to be dragged off to Hell yet.

Man. I really need to quit smoking.

Ru says Terri brought a real mahogany feeling to the challenge. As in reddish brown wood? I think Ru might have the Hobosexual disease, where she’s not really saying anything but she says it all gayly and sassily to make it sound witty. (***I was corrected on this in the comments. Mahogany is a camp classic starring Diana Ross. I didn’t change it here because a. it’s kinda not fair to pretend I knew that, and b. it’s fun to think of Ru as a babbling idiot who throws out wood colors as compliments. Is that a new dress? It’s totally cherry stained oak! Anyhoo, my bad. Sorry. Thanks missbunnyhugs!) Nina loves Acid Betty too, and Kors says it’s Heaven. “Powerful, dramatic, and exciting.” He also mentioned that he wants the boots. Whatevs, I like Terri so I am just gonna walk away from this one.

Keith is next to get grilled and says that his model wanted Tina Turner. Heidi calls it messy, and he answers that so is Tina Turner. Ru asks if the dingo ate his baby too, meaning he’s full of excuses. Wait. Meryl Streep’s kid was taken by a dingo, right? Didn’t A Cry in the Dark end with proof of her innocence? It wasn’t an excuse, it was a legit alibi. What kind of queen misquotes Meryl Streep? Ah well, it was said sassily, so great quote, Ru. Nina, in her offended voice, says that she doesn’t even know what it is, and Kors says it looks like a sad, molting grey chicken. LOL. Keith, wisely, keeps his mouth shut.

Straight Guy is next, and tells the judges that he was going for an Anne Margaret on The Love Boat look and wanted to show off Varla’s ass. Nina laughs a little too hard and says Varla’s ass is sweet. Ru likes that it covered the dinkle. Hobosexi is next, and Ru no likey. The skirt is too long and the whole dress makes the model looked badly proportioned. Kors is shocked that the dress is from Hobo because it’s so normal. Normal? He explains: “it’s very Thoroughly Modern Millie Under the Sea”. How is Thoroughly Modern Millie Under the Sea normal in any way shape or form? He adds that his aunts would have worn this dress at his barmitzvah. How the hell did Kors grow up? Another show. Anyway, Jerell takes it well.

Everyone loves the fun of Korto’s dress and Kors says she gave Sweetie Heidi’s body. He is so paying for that later. Nina doesn’t like that Daniel didn’t use sequins and he says that he hates them and would have thrown up. He continues to argue and says that he designed for a drag queen, not a Vegas showgirl. Uh…no one can tell the difference. Most of those girls look like drag queens. He’s talking in circles and making no sense. Ru stops him with a big “hellooooo! Drag!” and Daniel rolls his eyes. Oh man, you just saved Keith’s ass, dummy. Ru says the work has to be more dramatic so drag queens can make their cash on stage instead of selling hormones in Harlem. HAHAHAAAA. And here I’ve been scouring Craigslist for a part time job when one was staring me in the face.

In alone time, Nina can’t brush off her disgusted look.

I picked off a scab with more sparkle.

Kors goes on and on about Terri’s work, and when it’s shown in slow mo I scrunch my face all over again. They also all love Straight Guy’s sailor outfit. Heidi says that Korto put a lot of hidden secrets under her fire dress, and I can’t help but giggle at that. Keith is never polished and doesn’t pay attention to the woman’s body, Hobosexual’s dress looks like a bad costume, and Daniel’s missed the challenge more than once and Nina doesn’t like his defensive attitude. Oh Daniel you fucking moron. Ah, well, maybe he’s missing Boarding School Boy.

Straight Guy wins!! Thanks, judges. He says that winning reconfirms that he’s amazing. Yuck. I would have loved to see their reaction had the model come out in his original Elvis design. Daniel and Keith are left on the runway as the bottom two. Daniel is told he gave nothing but excuses and Keith’s outfit was the same old hacky crap he’s sent out every week. Daniel is the one who’s out though. I think he might have had better luck if he’d not spoken. Keith really deserved the axe this week.

When Korto hugs Daniel backstage, he says “I’m not dead yet.” LOL defensive. He tells us that he’s extremely talented and has a high taste level so he knows he will go far. And then, from off camera, we hear Kenley laugh her horsey laugh.