Project Runway: Don’t Carry a Dowdy Chicken On Your Shoulder

This week on Project Runway, I’m older and more spiritual. So suck it.

Sebelia cheated. Now on with the judging!

We begin this episode with the obligatory shot of Dirty Olsen, which means either the editors are extremely lazy or Dirty has been on every cover of Elle Magazine in 2008. She’s like Oprah. But tinier. And dumber. And dirtier. Ok the only thing they have in common is lots of money, but I hope they become more alike because I would love to see Dirty’s thyroid go bonkers so she could gain two hundred pounds and then lose a hundred and then gain forty and then lose ten and then gain a hundred and fifty, until she’s all stretched out and her skin looks like that goddamn denim dress we see every single week. It would be proof that there is some justice in the Universe.

In the future, Dirty Olsen will look like this and join a Stevie Knicks cover band. If God is fair. God, are you fair? Get back to me in twenty years.

Then, we are treated to a shot of the blackboard in the designer’s apartment. Someone has erased all the licious’ in the dark of night (thanks, Leatha) and they have been replaced with the designers’ signatures. The best is Korto’s, because under her name she has written a pronunciation key for all of us idiots who call her Kore Toe. Nope. It’s pronounced Cut-Toe. If my name was cut toe I don’t think I would be enforcing it. I think I might just choose something else. Like Sally. Or Frieda. The cut toe thing would remind me too much of running from Africa.

Kenley, sans horsey laugh, tells us that she is really really sad that Daniel left, because he was her best friend on the show even after she made fun of him in front of the judges on national tv. I need friends that forgiving. You know, without the shit talking and the horsey laugh, Kenley is a pretty nice girl. Now if she could just get rid of the feathers in her hair. And the bangs. And the Mad Men obsession. And the lipstick. And the arrog…what was I talking about?

Over in the boys apartment, Keith is moping around because he’s so depressed about being in the bottom two last week. He says he doesn’t know how to handle it. “It’s too overwhelming.” When you can’t shred up a bunch of Kleenex and hot glue gun the pieces to a skinny chick (or in that case, dude), what’s the point of living? Don’t worry, Keith, I’m sure you’re just misunderstood. Lots of people think of Kleenex and clothes going together. Remember last year when Sheryl Crow invented those really long sleeves that doubled as napkins so that people could just use their outfits to clean up instead of evil paper napkins in order to save the world from global warming? Once she gets wind of this show she’ll pull up in her Prius and take your lame misunderstood ass on tour and you’ll be a fucking hero. Promise. In the meantime, just don’t suck so much, k?

Pleather talks to him in a baby voice, which kills me. “Wanna see Fat Bitch? Who wants to see Fat Bitch? Come on, kiddo, who wants to go see Fat Bitch? Wackadoodle! Pleather! Wackadoodle! Pleather! We’re having fun, aren’t we?” but Keith can’t even hear him, because he’s concentrating on reconnecting with the reason he’s here. Uh, because you’re part of the way Magical Elves told Harvey Weinstein to go fuck himself? Noooo! Because “I want to change the way the world dresses.” I know. All those dresses that are actually shaped to show off a woman’s body are so BC. I kind of hope he succeeds so I never have to reach too far to wipe my hands while I’m downing a greasy slice of pizza. Sorry ma’am, can I just use the giant wadded up Kleenex you’re wearing? Thanks. It’s so much cooler lately, isn’t it? On the runway, Fat Bitch comes out wearing vertical stripes, which makes her look slightly less like Jabba the Hut.

Tricky heifer!

Since the boyish models sat on the bench last week while the mannish models did their thing, two of them have to go this week. Awww! I feel horrible for them. They’ve worked so hard and studied so much to get where they are today! Just kidding. I hope they both cry and threaten to commit suicide on national tv. Straight Guy won last week after Varla turned his Pepto Elvis number into a cute sailor outfit with a giant candy bowl, so he gets to decide whether or not to keep his stick. In order to “keep peace in the modeling world,” he stays with his girl and sends the others packing. Dammit. Screw peace! I WANT WAR! I hope the rest of the episode isn’t as disappointing as this beginning.

Heidi tells the designers that they will get their assignment on the rooftop of a building on W 31st St. Blayne thinks that since they’re meeting on a rooftop, the client must be a super celebrity and wanna meet somewhere exclusive. LOL. Anyone else hoping the challenge is for Blayne to walk to the edge and wait for the wind to do it’s thing? Man, sorry about all the violence in my remarks the past two paragraphs. I just turned thirtysomething again and I’m not taking it well. On a positive note, I still look ten years younger than Blayne, but then again so does Cloris Leachman so I shouldn’t pat myself on the pores too hard.

Deborah Clasky: Do I need to put on make-up?

Evelyn Norwich: You need a hose, but we don’t have that kinda time.

As they approach a huge parking garage, CutToe speculates that the client might be Mariah Carey. Since she’s not going to be on an NBC owned TV show any time soon, I doubt it, but it would be hilarious if she just happened to be up on the roof with a bag of Doritos and a 40 anyway, like “why can’t you people just let me be a NORMAL GODDAMN PERSON!?! IS THERE NOWHERE I CAN BE ALOOOONE?” In the elevator up to the roof, Blayne starts singing “The Roof is on Fire”. If only. When they get to the top, there are a bunch of ugly ass twenty dollar Saturns all lined up. The engines all start gunning and the cars start coming at them. The last one standing wins one of the cars and THE END. Next season! Way to wipe the slate, Harvey! Sorry, thirtysomething violence.

Tim is standing there next to a tiny little Irishman that looks frighteningly like Stanley Tucci in The Devil Wears Prada. Tim introduces him as Chris Webb. OMG!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! IT IS A HUGE STAR! What? You’ve never heard of Chris Webb? Have you all been living under a rock? He’s only the LEAD color designer at Saturn! Just look around the rooftop and tell me you aren’t stunned by his work. A red car? Grey? Get the fuck out, Chris Webb. Above and beyond, you little genius pants.

Groundbreaking stuff, Tucci.

Chris tells them that these brand new Saturn hybrids are made up almost entirely of recyclable material. Makes you wanna run right out and buy one, don’t it? Nothing that will disintegrate during your lifetime would produce a vehicle safe enough to drive the kids to school in. Your car is meant to live forever, and clog up the world like every other discarded car. It’s our right as Americans. The challenge will be to use the same materials used in the cars to make stunning outfits. A tiny trickle of pee runs down Jerell’s leg. He’s dumpster dived to get supplies before, but even the Hobosexual’s above trying to make a recyclable shit Saturn cute. The Saturn hate there surprised me when it came out. I had no idea it was even in me. I think it’s because I am scarred from the commercials of Sebelia and Santino driving them. You caused this resentment, Saturn! Look upon thyself!

And I thought designing my prom tux out of Quarter Pounder wrappers and discarded stained bras was tough.

The cars are all stocked with materials, which means no one will be handed a baseball bat to steal the old fashioned way. BOOOOO. I would have loved to see Terri in some chop shop action. You know she would kill it. Instead, the designers are given four minutes to rifle through the cars to grab what they want. Tim warns them that this is the same kind of innovation challenge as the grocery store one, where “many of you failed to rise to the occasion.” Oooh, slam. In Tim speak that’s the C word, the N word and the F word sealed by a pasty moon.

Dont f this one up like you did the last one, you skanky talentless c loozas!! Ya dig?

Chris yells go in the gayest way possible, and everyone starts running like mad and rifling through the cars. Kenley describes what they have to work with. “Stuff cars are made of.” Roll eyes. LOL, thanks Kenley. Jerell grabs a headlight “to work it into a broach” and Pleather says his name a bunch and then “wackadoodle”. Leatha looks around at everyone acting crazy and shrugs, telling us that she refuses to run around like a fool. Then she shakes her head and shouts “I’M NOT MOVING!” I don’t know what kind of strategy that is, but I hope it works because I am kinda falling in love with her and don’t want her to leave my TV. The sequence is pretty fast and we aren’t shown much, but it looks like just like in the grocery challenge, the designers are all going for the tablecloths I mean seat belts I mean seat covers.

Back at the workroom, the designers look sad, confused, and really scared. Straight Guy is the only who’s not stressed, because Varla saved his ass and he won immunity last week. Instead of working, he sits back and does John Lovitz impressions.

O solo miiiiiooooooooooo

Keith takes time out of his busy work day to get tears in his eyes and tell us how much he has to please “those fucking judges”. He tries so hard to do innovative work and then to have them laugh at him and treat him like a clueless confused homo just off the boat from Salt Lake is downright disrespectful. Oh waaaaaaaahhhhh. Poor you. Michael Kors is just jealous of your shreds and your shapelessness and your non orange face.

Everyone’s pretty confused. Especially Leatha, who stands in front of a huge piece of machinery with a pair of scissors and wonders aloud “what do I doooo?” LOL, Leatha. The one challenge you’re actually encouraged to use a hammer and you come out with scissors. Too fucking much. She says that everyone’s expecting her to do something leatha but this time she’s gonna step out of the box and do something pretty. You already did that when you woke up this morning, hottay.

Frankenfurter, meet your competition.

Pleather just sits in a corner cutting up rubber floor mats and repeating his own name and peppering in “wackadoodle”s. Can we have a quadruple elimination week and just get this over with? I can only take so much. Pleather tells us that his favorite car memory is getting banged in the cornhole for the first time in the cheezy car his dad gave him when he was a teenager. Wait a second, that’s one happy memory, Pleather. How are you supposed to cry for the cameras with such a sweet memo…oh wait. Of course your dad is dead. Last week it was Grandpa, this week it’s Dad. I hope your dad doesn’t come to you in a dream and tell you to what to design, cuz that didn’t work out so well last week. He blows kisses up to heaven and staples come down and pelt him in the head. Pleather really must have pissed the males off in his family. I can’t imagine what he could have done.

Right now Heaven’s all LOLOLLLLLLL dickwad.

Keith is at a sewing station complaining to Terri about wanting to do something different so those meanies don’t hewt his feewings again, and he tells us that he’s more worried about what the judges will think than what he’s going to design, and “that’s not a comfortable position to be in.” Neither is the one I’m in, watching two grown men act like little fucking cry babies. Man up already. CutToe is weaving together seat belts for a look she calls “day to day wearable avant garde”, or as I like to call it, the seat belt purse. I knew someone was gonna do it because it’s kind of an obvious choice, but I am sad that it’s CutToe, because I am rooting for her.

Very innovative. In 2004.

She’s not the only one. The seat belts are the tablecloths of this challenge. Kenley says that everyone’s doing the same old thing so she’s gonna do something different and draw zebra print on air vents with a sharpie. It actually looks pretty cool, and she hasn’t done the horsey laugh once, so I am totally turning. Blayne has just basically draped a shit load of seat belts onto his dress form and is having trouble figuring out how to sew them without breaking his machine over and over. He gets tired of all that thinking and traipses around in a bizarre rubber hat Leatha made, doing the “Luke, I am your coke dealer” thing. Squircangle notices that she’s not the only one using seat belts, so she’s gonna use them in an entirely new way. Yay! A new shape from Squric!

Back at the sewing stations, Terri asks Keith for his advice on her work and he whines that she shouldn’t trust his taste cuz the mean judges are mean and don’t appreciate his style. SHUT THE FUCK UP KEITH!!!! The judges didn’t give you bad taste. You came with it. Tim brings in the models and announces that Kenley’s model said that she kept getting headaches because of Kenley’s horsey laugh and dropped out. Kenley takes it like a big girl. And by that I mean she huffs and puffs and blows Tim’s house down and then calls her new model a fat whore and cuts off her own bangs and maniacally rubs lipstick all over her face.

It’s hard to tell how anything’s going during fittings. Hobosexual tells us that everyone else is having trouble with the materials but he’s “whistlin’ Dixie!” His work so far looks badly sewn, unevenly cut and trashy. CutToe’s also happy with her work, but her seat belt purse dress has no form and looks like a giant hazmat cape. Time will tell, I guess. In the meantime, Kenley talks about finding the model who ditched her and cutting her into tiny pieces. Jerell tells her that the girl probably got a job that actually pays the bills. LOL. He’s so right. I think Tim Gunn made like five dollars an episode for the first two years. Kenley continues to whine and act like a baby about it. Keith, found ya a lunch friend.

Tim comes in to check on progress and starts with Blayne, who’s seat belt gown is a mess. All he can really say is “keep working”, because hitting isn’t allowed on reality shows. Hobosexi’s work is coming along a bit better. He’s using the backside of a car seat as a suede bustier which looks pretty good, but he’s got all these metallic shapes safety pinned to it. Tim thinks it looks futuristic. I think it looks like a model death trap.

Don’t walk around in the rain wearing this.

CutToe is up next. Her seat belt cape thing is still shapeless, but Tim thinks it’s promising. Leatha tells Tim that she’s trying to do something different and he says it has to actually be an outfit and not just a pile of ideas. What she does have isn’t innovative enough. Squircangle, on the other hand, tickles him pink with her new shapes. He loves it, and I guess there’s some potential there, but one breast is covered in what looks like one of those breast pump thingys, which makes me wonder what’s going on in Squircangle’s dating life.

So, you have a job? YES I’LL MARRY YOU BUT IT HAS TO BE RIGHT NOW.

Tim gets over to Keith, who’s all waaaahhh waaaahhh wahhhhpoopie diaper. He also has very little done, which doesn’t stop him from telling Tim that the judges don’t “get’ his innovation so he wants to show them something clean and well constructed. Tim’s like good luck with that, k? Keith tells us that Tim didn’t see as much innovation as he wanted to but Keith’s here to impress the judges. Oh, snap. The judges totally don’t wanna see innovation, good call dumbass. They’re so hoping you ignore everything Tim Gunn says. At this point, he just needs to have something to send down the runway, cuz he’s got nothin’.

As Tim leaves, he says he’s very excited by what he’s seen so far. When he’s gone, Terri tells us that she loves CutToe’s “scarecrow” coat and hopes her friend gets her shit together “cuz right now it looks like Jeepers Creepers and you better run cuz it’s gone getchoo.” LOL. Unlike some people (KENLEY) she has the nerve to say it to CutToe’s face while literally rolling on the floor laughing her ass off. CutToe tries to ignore her and says “hating on you.” HA. Please let this be the final two, for the entertainment value alone. CutToe may not be offended, but Hobosexi is. He says that Terri has two faces and four patterns and he “don’t trust the bitch”. Just for the record, two faces means you’re mean to people behind their back and then nice to their face. Like how YOU’RE being. Terri has the balls to say that shit to your face. And at least she has patterns and doesn’t just sew together crap she found in the trash, asshole. Polka dot hat. That’s all I have to say to you.

Towards the end of the day, Keith gets up from his sewing machine and tells everyone not to fuck it up. Then he walks around slamming things down and cursing, leaving the other designers annoyed at his attitude. He tells us that he can deal with the bitchy designers, but he wants this more than everyone else and he deserves it more than they do. I am actually speechless. Keith is the kind of guy to cry after lottery numbers are pulled. WHY NOT MEEEE????



That night back at the apartments, Leatha is allowed to make a call. It’s odd to see her in her sideways leather cap and What Ever Happened to Baby Jane eye makeup talking to her boyfriend on a Sidekick. Odd and wonderful. Then we get to see a pic of her partner in love and fashion, Rat Bones. Their line is gonna be called Zotis and Bones. Laura Ashley was already taken.

I see you two going very far together. As long as there are bears and bottoms, there will be slings.

She talks to her man the same way as she talks to us. “It’s haaaaaaaawd!” The next morning, everyone awakens ready to rumble, and CutToe tells us that if she’s called out in the bottom three “it’s on. I’m not going down without a fight.” Now I’m hoping she is in the bottom three, because I wanna see Nina get smacked around. The designers all get to the workroom to fit their models and get them all cute. Keith just needs to sew something. His skirt is way too tight on his model, aside from being really poorly made and fug. He orders her not to sit during hair and makup, which doesn’t work for the Tresseme queens. She comes back with a tear in the skirt and he gets pissy. HAHA. He tells us that he gave one tiny assignment to a model and she couldn’t even listen to that. Sure it’s a competition for her, but it’s so much more meaningful for him! WAAAHHHH WAHHHHHHhahahahahahahahaaaahhaaaa. I love it. Please please please cry and beg the judges not to send you back to Salt Lake.

Speaking of whiners, everything worked out ok with Kenley’s new model, but she has to tell us that it would have looked better on the other girl. What is wrong with these people? Don’t they know they’re on TV? At least have the foresight to pretend you’re a decent human being. Your parents are watching. Squircangle made giant hips on her model but wants to make sure they don’t sink, so she stuffs them with muslin. Stuffing a model. Squirc, I didn’t know you had it in you. Me likey.

D. I would cut off dinky first with a nail file.

Time for the runway show! Fat Bitch comes out wearing a pretty dress that makes her boobs look kinda crazy.

Did the hobo make that?

She reminds the designers what the challenge was, which in case you forgot, was to “recycer car pats”. Most of the designers have started dressing nicer for the runway show, but poor Pleather just can’t find his way.

My dead gerbil told me to wear this in a dream. (kisses to Heaven. Tiny poop pellets thrown back down)

Kors is here and he’s orange as ever, and instead of Nina, we get a classier bitch for one night only, Miss Laura Bennett from season 3. Sweet! LOVE HER. PS I still agree with her assessment that Sebelia is a big fat cheater, and that’s why he was relegated to role of costumer on the Bratz movie before filing for welfare. Unfortunately, that still would have only put Laura in second place, but still. Good call, LO! The guest judge is a fashion editor named Rachel Zoe, who, wait for it, has a show coming out on Bravo! NO! That’s nuts! What a great idea. Bravo has plugged Saturn and a new show in one night. It’s no Hershey’s challenge, but it’s nice to see them putting in the old tasteless effort.

Hobosexi’s “futuristic” look is the first down the runway. For some reason, he’s had his model’s hair styled into a really exaggerated Caesar’s Palace cocktail waitress look, because I guess in the future there won’t be any low doorways. My mom always insisted me and my sister make our Halloween costumes growing up, and we would have totally won tonight, at least over Jerell. The suede corset looks ok, but again, it’s totally uneven, as are the metallic parts that he’s sewn all over it. The skirt doesn’t even have a straight hem, and I don’t think it was the intention. The idea of this is good, and it might have worked…if it didn’t. Anyway, there’s not polka dots so good for him.

Keith made a khaki skirt and a simple prettyish summer top. HUH? The skirt is very badly pleated and bunches up all over the place and the top makes the model look like she’s got a roll of fat coming out of her belt because Keith has done a weird quilting thing. It’s not as furry as most of his work, but it still doesn’t fit a woman’s body right. Booooooo and yaaaaaayyy. He’s sewn cargo netting on the back, and it looks like he sewed cargo netting on the back. Ooooh. Innovative. You totally deserve this more than anyone else who’s ever been on this show. Terri made a pair of flares with a tight top. It’s pretty simple and not high on the innovation scale, but she was going for a cheap biker ho look and she achieved it.

Kenley is next, and you won’t ever believe this, but her look is from the fifties! If she hadn’t ever done that before, it would be pretty amazing, but she has and it’s really tired. Very well made though, and the filters and pencil skirt look great on her model. I hope she is safe but slapped upside the head with an Eckhart Tolle book and told to come into the now. Still, pretty.

Squircangle’s model looks like a prostitute you know won’t be in the biz long because she’s got enormous child bearing hips. The top is pretty awesome though. She’s used her funkily shaped seat belts as a trim to her bustier, and they look like feathers. Well done, Squirc! Pleather’s outfit is a hit and a miss. He used rubber floor mats for his top, and they are cut really badly and are messy around the edges. His girl looks like…a floormat. But the skirt is pretty cool. It’s made out of strips of sun visors and looks great and flows really well. Keith must be kicking himself right now.

CutToe’s seat belt purse jacket turned out beautifully. She gave it a sixties cut and executed it perfectly. The shininess of the seat belts is really beautiful and of everything that’s walked so far, it’s the classiest and most wearable. She used seat belts, which are all over the place this week, so the judges might nitpick that, but she did it really well. Nice work! For some reason her model looks like she’s gonna cry, though, and that’s never good. And now, for an example of how seat belts can go very very wrong. Blayne looks like he paper mached his poor girl in seat belt and glued broken glass to her. She looks like a very dangerous car wash. The top would be gorgeous, if it fit or had any shape at all. My guess is that from the side, this girl is all boobies. Oh, Blayne.

Straight Guy just sends a bowling ball bag down the runway in a fug, badly sewn and ill fitting skirt. Yikes. Yay, bowling, though. Leatha’s work looks good from afar, but I can’t tell what’s going on with the bottom half. She went with seat belts too, and sewed hers horizontally into a tight skirt. Then she used seat covers and backs for a what looks like a nicely tailored vest top. It’s too shiny to tell, but I think I like it.

Terri, Pleather, Straight Guy, and Kenley are safe, leaving Leatha, Squircangle, CutToe, Blayne, Keith and Hobosexi on the runway. Jerell is first to be critiqued, and the editors throw in this shot.

Ouch

I think Jerell must bug the shit out of them, too. Rachel Zoe thinks it’s amazing, Kors loves it, Heidi thinks it’s exciting. HUH?!?!?!?! WTF? Blayne is next. Laura likes the idea of it, but Kors says it looks like a car wash. LOL. You owe me a coke, Kors! Heidi says that he broke mirror, which means seven years of no sex. HA. I’m sure that won’t be a problem. Laura likes CutToe’s jacket, Zoe would wear it, and Kors thinks it’s restrained drama. Squirc is next, and Kors loves everything about it. Zoe is blown away and says Squirc is ready for Paris, and not just because she doesn’t bathe more than once a week. Leatha’s next and woops. They show a cloesup of the skirt and it’s totally busted.

I thought the long strip down the center was a belt, but it’s not. It’s an uneven seam and it looks like crap. My bad! Looks great from far away. Like Kors!

See? From a distance he’s just a tiny adorable thumb covered in peach jam.

Zoe thinks it’s lacking, Laura doesn’t think the top and bottom match, and Kors calls it random. Leatha thanks them. HA. Keith just says subtle and clean alot. Zoe makes the model turn around and wow. That’s shit.

Keith blames the model for sitting down, which is hilarious because the tear was in the front and it’s the back that’s jacked. This guy is such a twat. Laura bypasses his excuses and says her problem is that there is no concept. He giggles that she should have seen his other stuff. Oh man. Dig that grave, a hole. She smiles a bitchy “excuse me?” HAHA. Go Laura! Keith goes on to whine about how he was so cutting edge last week but then his work was described as looking like a dowdy chicken and it’s so haaard when you work so haaard and no one appreciates yoooou! WAAAAHHHH. “There’s criticism, and there’s insults.” Heidi makes a look like “oh no he didn’t” and Kors lectures him about being in the public eye and having a pair of balls instead of a vagina and says he’s no one’s mom and ain’t no one gonna suck on his titty.

In alone time, the Judges talk about how impressed they are this week. Everyone loved Jerell’s uneven, unflattering crap, and they also loved CutToe’s elegant jacket. Zoe calls Squirc’s dress flawless, and Kors says it was beautifully done. No one gets Leatha’s work, Kors says Blayne has too many ideas. Yeah. Too many really really bad ideas. Laura says if something is badly made, you can’t even concentrate on the ideas. Kors seems to have a soft spot for Blayne, or a half of a boner, so I think he’s safe this week. Everyone thinks Keith’s work is blah and concept free, and Zoe says it wasn’t flattering from any angle. Kors brings up the fact that Keith blamed everyone else but himself. The designers are called back out…and

Squircangle wins!!! She is psyched, and I hope it inspires her to stop being depressed and fix her split ends.

Your prize is a walk to the Shear Genius set. Congrats!

The bottom two are Leatha and Keith. Keith, you’re boring, Leatha, you’re simple. And you’re wearing your Mr. Mistofolees tights, which never helps. KEITH’S OUT!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA yayayayyyyy! I am anti exercise and I just jumped up and down and danced around. I’m done. Wait. Not yet.

Mambo Number Five in the hizz

Keith says that he’s most disappointed that he’s going home for designing something that’s not “him”. Because you were doing so well with your original aesthetic. He’s going back to Utah, where he doesn’t have any opportunities to get out. Uh, it’s called getting a job, saving a few hundred bucks and getting a bus ticket, dumdum. How do you think I came to LA and became a glamorous waiter? Wait a second, I’m a bad example. Point is…I don’t know what the point is, but I don’t have to listen to you whine and cry until the reunion show, so I know that even without a three hundred pound Dirty Olsen in a Stevie Knicks cover band that there is, in fact, a God. And he is fabulous.