Project Runway: The Curse of the Sidekick

This week on Project Runway, Mrs. Peacock killed someone in the dining room with a revolver and Kenley acted like a total asshole.

Kenley has woken up not crying. I wish I was there to *cough* Wal-Mart *cough*. She tells us that she has woken up with a new resolve. From now on, she’s not going to care what the judges think and design what she wants to design. Unlike the other weeks, when she designed clothes from the 50′s because the Judges made her. Donna Reed, here she comes. Watch out world.

Heidi comes out on the runway wearing black again, and I sigh a sigh of relief. Another day without having to stare at her disgustingly fat body. Somehow, Straight Guy tries the same all black tactic every week, and every week he grosses me out. Fat Bitch Heidi informs the designers that the nail biting model competition will have to be put on hold until next week, because this week they will be designing for “very special ladies”. From the commercials, it looked like the mom challenge. I hope they bring Angela’s mom back again just so someone could call her body unflattering and make her cry. Ah, those were the days, eh? Before we know what the hell Fat Bitch is talking about, we see our first “special lady shadow”. I don’t know whether to be delighted or horrified. It’s either Jane Curtain as the Conehead mom or one of my favorite stars who graced “Hollywood Squares” ever….

Charo? IS THAT YOU?!?

A bunch of older mom types come out looking kinda angry. Or maybe that’s just what us kids have done to their faces. STAY CHILDLESS, PEOPLE!

And moisturize.

CutToe is horrified when she sees the women because she remembers the mom challenges and doesn’t wanna “stamp on nobody cuz they’re talking bout my mamma!” LOL CutToe. I so wanna you stamp on somebody. Jerell is confused too, because if they’re their mom’s, he and CutToe are missing theirs. I assume he means there’s not a large woman who looks like Mo’Nique or this chick:

I think Hobosexi has actually worn this outfit more than once.

Heidi announces that the ladies will be a part of the challenge, but the designers won’t actually be designing for them. Leanne Squircangle is relieved. Have you ever seen an “old lady” walking around with square/circle/triangle non shapes pinned all over her for no reason? No. No you haven’t. Because it should never EVER be done. They’d just keep getting their arms caught up in all the pointless fabric and start crying because they used to be able to take care of themselves and now they’re trapped in saggy bodies and really poorly designed clothes. Sorry, I was having a moment of empathy there. They don’t come often, so when they do I just have to silence my mind and enjoy the ride.

The ladies aren’t alone. They’ve brought their daughters! Yikes. Seriously, when you think you wanna marry a girl, meet her mom first. They’re like maps.

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! STOP THE CAR!

The daughters are all college grads and Heidi informs us that they’re in dire need of makeovers. Yikes. Ya don’t say. No matter how famous or celebrated or wealthy Heidi Klum gets, she will always be a giver. There are plenty of people trying to help the homeless, but only someone with true ingenuity and love in their hearts would reach out to the homely like this. That said, this crop of designers have a hard time making gorgeous twigs look presentable. Just what do you expect them to do with this?

Long live the Turnblads!

Seriously. Hairspray the movie? Loved it. Glad to see Tracy kept the dancing up and lost a few. I think these two were shipped in as a special gift to Kenley and her refusing to live in the 2000′s ass. And then Mamma Turnblad opens her mouth.

Give it to me people, I was spot on with that one. Sure enough, Kenley is assigned to them. I saw on Entertainment Tonight last night that the real Tracy Turnblad (well, the real one from the movie) was arrested for kicking someone’s ass in an airport. Let’s hope we get that same spunk tonight. Kenley needs a good smack.

Once the designers are assigned their kids, it’s back to the workroom for sketching. Tim comes in to basically repeat the assignment and use the word Tresseme. He warns the designers not to ignore the moms just because they have bad perms and permanent worry marks on their face. They are the clients too! This is gonna be amazing. The Turnbalds are the first up. Tracy loves Kenley right off the bat, because she’s “the hot girl”. Kenley’s eyes almost bug out of her head and she starts horsey giggling very nervously. Momma Turnblad rolls her eyes and tries to convince herself that her kid means it in a admiring way. After all, Tracy’s dating Zac Efron. What lesbian would date a gay guy?

Alright now I’m just confusing myself.

Tracy just got a job as an assistant accessory buyer for a department store and Kenley loves that. When Kenley says how much she admires Tracy’s style, Mamma Turnblad gets really uncomfortable. She didn’t drag her kid here for more of the same, she brought her here so ladies in her canasta group can stop snickering behind her back and asking her if she watched Ellen today. Tracy’s current look consists of a plaid shirt and a black belt with a gold chain sewn to it. Actually Kenley has worn that outfit before, minus the gold chain and plus really severe bangs. I bet she gets rid of the sloppy bang bleaching and Betty Pages the girl. And then makes out with her.

Where’s the damn waiter?

Kenley is gonna do…wait for it…A FIFTIES LOOK!!! The surprise almost made me fall out of my chair. It’s like when Ana Lucia got shot on Lost. Mamma doesn’t care, as long as it’s “sophisticated. I like sophisticated.” And by that she means heterosexual. Then Kenley and Tracy start talking about the Cubs. CutToe got stuck with Debbie Downer, who’s between med school and grad school. Cut asks her what she wants and she shrugs and says “I like dresses…sometimes….” and that’s it. LOL. Good luck with her. This girl is why god invented the Nurse Uniform.

Did you hear about that horrible accident on the bridge? Twelve people died. (sad horns) Just make me a dress that goes with white sneakers so I can wash off the mud I’m sure I’ll get all over them cuz the weather always sucks since Global Warming is here to make us all extinct. (sad horns)

CutToe tells us that she is herself a hip mom so she knows just what to make. Wait for it…A WRAP DRESS! It’s a shock a minute tonight. I wonder if it’s gonna be formless. Mamma Downer wants to make sure it’s classy. Or funky. Or ultra modern. Or goth. Who cares? The kid works in a lab and will be stuck in a coat anyway. Mama Downer’s just here for the Tresseme segment. There, Tim Gunn. You’re welcome. Take five.

Hobosexi has been paired with his perfect match too. It’s a girl who wants to do artist reproductions. She likes to work with shit that’s already been used too! Kismet! What’s with all the young girls with bleached bangs? There’s not really a joke with that, it’s just something I’m wondering about.

Have you seen my sunglasses?

Hobosexi really likes his girl, because she’s tall and lanky and he’s tall and lanky. She’s incredibly awkward, and he’s incredibly awkward. When she takes a banana peel out of the trash and munches on the inside of the peel, he knows that God must be looking out for him on this one. She says she wants something androgynous, but still girly. Well, which is it, Andro? You can’t have it both ways. Jerell nods and rolls his head a bit and says he knows exactly the thing to make. A high waisted pencil skirt. LOL, Hobo. The best part is that he should understand her request. He wore a bra under a t-shirt, people. He is an androgynous woman. (pause. Forehead slap. Silent questions directed at Heaven.) And I’m back.

Squircangle was paired with the Loudmouths. The kid looks ten, but she’s very succinct and bossy. She’s gonna be a teacher and she wants her clothes to make that very clear so the kids don’t think they can get away with murder. The mom is even louder and bossier and suggests just making a dress because if she makes pants then they’ll always have to come up with something to match it with. “Do you do stuff in animal prints?” Squirc tries to explain what a squircangle is, and the Loudmouths just look at her like she’s an idiot.

Just don’t make her look like a hooah.

Pleather was teamed with Avatal and Yaffa. It’s the horrid name Trinity. Let’s just refer to them as Team Roots.

Dear Youth of America: Bleach makes you stupid and unbearable. Don’t believe me?

Just trying to help. Love, Flipit.

Kid Roots is going to be a photographer so she wants pants to march around town in. This horrifies Pleather, because Pleather can barely weather making dresses. Pleather. The mom puts in her input, but I can’t understand her thick accent. I think she just asked for a bagel and a cup of green tea, but I can’t be sure. The only word I hear clearly is “feminine”. Kid Roots interrupts “not too feminine!” Jeeze. Did the Project Runwayway bus just stop at a softball field and take anyone who raised their hand? Straight girls need makeovers too, PR. If I was a lesbian I would be very offended by this show. Actually I probably wouldn’t be watching this show. Yay stereotypes!

Project Runway starts in five minutes! Guys? Guys? Hulleow? Anyone?

Straight Guy gets Bad Perm Mom and her daughter Nose Ring, who is inexplicably wearing a tablecloth around her neck. Bad Perm is worried about Nose Ring losing her identity. LOL. Sometimes an identity is a good thing to lose, Bad Perm. If your daughter’s identity was attractive she wouldn’t be here. Nose Ring is going to be a graphic designer, which leads Straight Guy to sketch a skirt suit. Uh…I have never ever ever EVER met a graphic designer in a skirt suit. EVER. I think he could just take the tablecloth off her and she’d be done. Or just give her a fork and a knife so she doesn’t look so awkward. She doesn’t care what he makes, as long as it makes her sexy.

Get me a pair of pliers and some reeeeally dark sunglasses. And….done.

Tim comes in to get the models and their moms back on the bus to Jersey for their six o’clock feeding and Homestyle Buffet, and then it’s time for Mood! CutToe immediately goes for material she admits “could look like a burlap sack” but decides it’s what her model needs. She’s also gonna use “leatha! Now that Leatha’s gone, I’m the queen of Leatha!” I wish she would wear those hole-y black and white tights too. Someone needs to represent for Mister Mistofolees.

Straight Guy goes for men’s suits dark fabrics. Uh…sexy. Pleather just grabs shit and throws it on the Gaysian’s back and says his own name a bunch. Back at the workroom, Squirc tells us that she’s gonna give her model Teacher Loudmouth a dress that makes her look like a full fledged adult. And then she sketches something for a ten year old.

A ten year old who gets her ass kicked at school every day.

Squirc tells us that her first job was designing for a small clothing line that made her groom her brows and clip off her split ends. It was a fucking nightmare. She finally got the guts to quit and make her own line and ignore her hair and grow a chia above her eyes.

Some people escape Africa, some escape waxing. Bravery is bravery, k?

Straight Guy tells us that his first job was at Gucci (getting coffee for who?) and it’s the first time he wore a polka dot tie. That experience got him addicted to fashion. There was no traumatic story about what caused him to decide on wearing only black forever and ever, and it’s disappointing. But Straight Guy is very consistent with one thing. Boring me. Well done again, SG!

Kenley tells us that she moved to New York with zero dollars in her pockets and burned through lots of jobs and “went through many obstacles”. She looks like she’s about to cry, but thankfully doesn’t. Oh, Kenley, you’re supposed to go over obstacles, not through them. I feel for Kenley a bit cuz now I can imagine her stumbling all over NYC like a lost, blind tourist who keeps running into things and crying because there is too much in her way.

Hobosexual’s first job was at McDonald’s. It’s where he first learned that fryer grease could be used as moisturizer. All of the previous stories told have been about how the remaining six got into design, so I’m glad Hobo has bucked the trend and kept it simple with an explanation for his shiny face.

So that’s what he meant when he said “I’m salty!”

Hobo makes me kinda nuts, but as the season goes on I am finding that I actually kinda like him. He’s very sweet, encouraging and funny. I hate most of his clothes, but at this point I’m trying to just focus on the positive. LOL just kidding. What kind of recapper would I be if I did that? He’s like the guy Anthony from Designing Women played in Mannequin, and I kinda want him to get hit by a bus. Did I scare you for a sec? CutToe should be scared. She’s made the same flowy formless dress she’s made a thousand times, but this time it’s topped off with a jacket that looks like, as she promised us at Mood, a burlap sack.

Pleather is still scared about making pants, so instead he just drapes a jacket and figures out his dead dad or granddad or uncle or teacher or priest will come to him in a dream and give him some hints. Good plan! Tim comes in to check on progress and we get a shot of what Kenley’s working on. She, too, is really putting her originality to the test today.

My college grad is a spy. A spy in the fifties whoring it up in Beijing. Diane VonMisterToadberg is gonna love it!

Tim brings in the moms and daughters. Jerell’s look isn’t androgynous at all. It’s an evening dress with a ruffle on the chest. What painter would wear this to work?

I’ll finish that Chagall right after I accept my Latin Emmy, boss.

Pleather’s jacket is dark brown and very poorly fitted. That’s not the problem Roots’ mom has though. She just wants it to be…interesting. At least that’s what I think she said. She could have just ordered a croissant for all I know. She hands Pleather a swatch of a purple print fabric and points to the sleeves of the jacket. In his defense, he’s trying to make three quarter sleeves, but in her defense, they’re more like seven eighths and it just looks like it doesn’t fit. Roots herself doesn’t say anything. She just stares at Pleathers’ own outfit of “wackadoodle” pants over a miniskirt and sweater with see thru sleeves like

“I left the softball field for this?”

Pleather doesn’t want to listen to Mama Roots too much because he doesn’t want to have to explain himself to the judges later. Let’s face it. He not only has to finish a jacket that’s waaaaay far down the wrong track, he’s also gotta learn how to sew pants. Well done, casting department. Well done.

Over in Straight Guy land, Nose Ring says right up front that she doesn’t like the, well, straight guy suit fabric. Imagine that. Her mom, Bad Perm, tries to tell her that she’s gonna look sharp, but that’s not what Nose Ring asked for. All she wanted was a little help getting laid and he’s giving her a frumpy skirt suit made with dark blue pinstriped material. So six designers left, eh? More than half a season over? Well done, casting directors. Well done. Wait. Did I already say that? Well I mean it. I really really do.

I’m never getting fucked. Ever.

We only get to see Debbie Downer’s upper body, but it looks like she just came in freezing from the rain and CutToe threw a sarong around her before she went into shock. I was wrong. Downer’s not studying to be a nurse. She’s gonna be a biologist! I guess that explains the green fabric with giant leaves all over it. On the nose, Cut. On the nose.

Sad Horns

Mrs. Turnblad shows up today looking like she herself had a makeover.

I think Sweet Pea is gonna be on Top Design tonight, too. That girl’s just whoring herself out.

The only thing I recognized about her was her voice. It sounds like a telephone pole being dragged up a gravel driveway. I’d know that sound anywhere.

I just wanna be loved! Is that so wrooooang?!

Kenley oohs and ahs over her own work as Tracy shallowly breathes and sprays Binaca in her mouth. Hobosexi takes time out of his busy day to tell us that he can’t believe Kenley. She makes a great dress from the 60′s, but that’s all she can serve up. I am in complete agreement with him, and I am feeling sick to my stomach about it. When he’s right, he’s right. Now go back to your dress form so you can continue your wrongness. I like you better that way.

The problems arise over at Squirc’s table, where Mama Loudmouth is saying that her kid looks flat chested and if they were in a store they’d take the dress off and look for something more flattering. Agreed, but Mama Loudmouth is in no place to judge fashion. She’s wearing Dorothy Zbornak’s couch.

Maaaaaa!

Hobosexual says that Loudmouth Mom is the Hedda Lettuce of this challenge. Oh man, Hedda Lettuce is gonna beat his ass in. You know she’s at home in her Somewhere That’s Green dress throwing shit at the TV and screaming “I was nothing but NICE to those people! What, do I have MGM tattooed on my BACKSIDE?” CutToe comes over to Squirc’s table and fans herself while Squirc talks about how she’s gonna ignore everything her clients just asked her to do fix it. Cut says girl, I felt for you when I heard that cuz I know you worked so hard. Then she walks away and starts dancing. CutToe kills me.

Pleather has started draping the top and “accidentally” made it too long. Why, it’s too long to be a top! It should be a dress! HOW’D THAT HAPPEN? He’s just gonna try and talk his photographer, who has to schlep all over NYC carrying camera bags in this thing, that the dress is more “Pleather”. Man, this guy is an embarrassment to designers gay people humanity.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Straight Guy has decided that since Nose Ring was disappointed in his drab skirt suit, he’ll put a pocket on the jacket for her to add a flower or something to give it some color. She’s not a Volkswagen Bug, Straight Guy. Kenley remarks to us that no graphic designer would be caught dead in a drab 80′s skirt suit, and then she goes back to making the same thing she made two weeks ago. Hobo starts making fun of Straight Guy and he and Kenley take a piece of her tired pink material and put it in the drab suit pocket. Straight Guy tells us that Hobo is just making fun of him because he feels bad about himself. Deep psychology there, SG. I’m sure he’s just jealous. Then he says “opinions are a little bit like uh…” and then decides not to finish the sentence. I’m sure you’re just all on the edge of your seats waiting for the wisdom there. As Hobo leaves, he tells SG not to worry, he can work on Nancy Reagan tomorrow. It’s funny and true, but come on. I’m sorry to sound like a broken record, but Hobosexi can’t even tailor his own damn shirt.

You’d almost never know this was taken of a four hundred pound homeless guy passed out in an alley.

The next morning, Tim brings the kids to the workroom and leaves their moms at the Homestyle Buffet. Tracy Turnblad, knowing nows her chance, puts the tacky gold belt on that Kenley complimented and tries to pretend she’s not staring at Horsey Laugh’s boobies.

I got some Starbucks cards for graduation. Maybe sometime I could pour a Frappuccino on you and lick it off I mean….

Straight Guy thinks that now that he’s really had time to polish his work, Nose Ring will like it more. His goal is to show the judges that good fit and impeccable tailoring are things that he excels at. Good luck with that, tool.

Look Ma. No hands!

CutToe has done a LOT of work on her jacket and it looks really good. I can’t tell what the dress looks like yet, but so far it’s better than…well….anyone else, which isn’t saying much. The most improved thing here is her model. Debbie Downer looks so pretty in the jacket with her hair pulled back. She looks like Natalie Portman in the Other Bolyen girl.

On the way to a potato sack race.

Loudmouth loves the dress reworking that Squirc did, but isn’t so into the jacket. We don’t get to see it, which means it’s awesome or horrible. Roots loves the dress Pleather made and doesn’t give him any shit about ditching the pants she asked for. He is psyched of course. Now he just has to figure out how to sew the dress.

Tim comes in and brings a special guest. I was hoping it would be Pleather’s greatest fear, the moms. But it’s not. It’s Jeanie Syfu, who is the lead stylist at Tressemme. He introduces her and she immediately walks over to Kenley with scissors. Tim grabs her by the shoulders and says Kenley’s one of the designers. Jeanie just laughs uncomfortably. She understands bang troubles. She’s angled hers to fit nicely with her mullet update. OK. This is the second mullet I’ve seen on TV this week (the last one was on Kitchen Nightmares). Is the mullet back? Just asking.

Uh, who’s gonna make over Jeanie?

Jeanie announces that she is going to work on hair and makeup and that the winner of this challenge will be in Elle Magazine, which is now just a catalogue of reality show winners. I say Debbie Downer’s the ringer here. Sure, she’s got sort of a Simpson’s mouth, but she’s fresh faced and pretty. Sorry, Andro.

Tim comes in to check on progress and starts with Pleather, who has ended up with a jacket with pleat dimples all over it over a summer dress. Tim doesn’t even have time to get into that though, because he has to spend his time trying to explain to Pleather that Pleather’s pockets and sleeves are uneven and Pleather should address that before the Judges can auf Pleather. Pleather looks up to Heaven for some answers and…nothing. Aw. He’s run out of dead relatives.

Tim approaches Straight Guy next, who has remedied his girl’s fear of looking like a man with a bright piece of fabric pined to the dress form. Hopeless. Tim says it looks like something a po ass pro bono lawyer working for the city would wear, not a graphic designer. Straight Guy doesn’t care what Tim thinks, which is a sign that he’s going home. Fingers crossed.

Thank God my own show starts again soon. I can’t take much more of this crap.

Goofy fairy clown music starts to play as Tim approaches Hobosexi with the obligatory dollar bill in his hand. Tim’s a sweetheart. Hobo takes the money and then waits for an answer on his completely misguided outfit. Tim pauses for a sec and then says “stunning”. I keep waiting for him to finish with “for you” or “comparatively”, but it never comes. The dress is pretty, for Jerell, and so is the jacket, for Jerell, but it’s for a PAINTER.

To make her dress look different from the same one she just made two weeks ago, Kenley has poofed out the skirt with tulle and added a dark brown man’s vest. Tim thinks the dress is adorable but, can I give you some advice? (defensive self righteous Kenley shrug) “The vest is manly and the tulle should be shorter.” Good call. The dress would be way cute, but of course Kenley shrugs him off and tells us that “Tim doesn’t understand me as a designer!” Excuse you, bizatchy, but Tim Gunn was around in the time period you so casually ape for every single outfit you make. LISTEN TO HIM. These people are all fucking MORONS.

Perfect for a night out at the ballet/rodeo in 1962.

Kenley tells us how she’s never changed anything for Tim and she never will. And then she rolls her eyes a lot and makes really pretty faces.

Straight Guy and CutToe talk about their kids. Cut loves her fashionable little four year old, and Straight Guy says that mother and daughters never agree. Who cares? I guess this is what happens after a double elimination. We’re left with small talk from people like Straight Guy. Yawn. I will say, however, that I love CutToe’s daughter. She’s always in her mom’s shoes and jewelry and clothes. We’re just alike! Soul sisters!

Sister Flipit

Sad music plays and SG tells us that he misses his family. Don’t worry. I think you’ll see them soon. Like tonight. Sure enough, he calls them in the Lounge. I don’t know if you remember, but Leatha got to talk to Bones on the day she got shitcanned too. Talking to your family on the Sidekick is a sign of death on this show. The call is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE! SG is kinda rude to his wife and just asks her to put the kids on the phone. The conversation is stimulating. “Hi!” “Hi!” “Hi!” “Hi!” “Hi!” Thanks for that, editors.

Later that night, back at the apartments, Pleather tells Hobosexi how awesome his dress is. Over in the girl’s apartment, the women all decide that Pleather’s going home tomorrow, unless, as Squirc puts it, his model is auditioning for the role of Selena. HAHAHAH Squirc! Then Kenley goes on a rant about what a poser Pleather is and how he doesn’t know to transform his aesthetic. Shut up, Mad Men.

The next morning, Kenley’s horsey laugh fills the air. Time for a third model fitting. Straight Guy tells Nose Ring that there has been some dissing of her dress and Tim says it’s way too formal. Her answer? “A job’s a job.” HAHAHAHAAAAAAAA. I like you, Nose. Makeovers!!! This is the first time I have seen the makeup artists pull out actual chisels. When all the nose breaking and face lifting and blow torching is done, it’s time for the runway show! Fat Bitch comes out wearing a little dress that I’m sure is made by Rami. She probably ditched his entire toga plan and just kept the rope shoulder strap. Heidi knows how to protect her investment. Even now she’s trying to prove that that douche was relevant.

Before we go any further, I just have to get this off my chest.

Mrs. Peacock: Uh, is there a little girl’s room in the hall?

Yvette: Oui oui, Madame.

[points]

Mrs. Peacock: No, I just wanna powder my nose.

There. All better. The moms are sitting with the designers. I feel bad for Andro’s mom because she’s forced to sit next to Hobosexi, and wow. It’s hard enough coming to terms with your child’s sexuality without having to sit next to a flaming hobo in a feathered cap. Good lord man. Today’s Guest Judge is non other than Cynthia Rowely, who I refuse to make fun of because she deserves better than the cheaptacular Design Star on HGTV she is currently imprisoned in and that’s punishment enough, k?

So pretty and talented! Yay!

Nose Ring is up first in Straight Guy’s drab business suit. The skirt doesn’t fit, the jacket doesn’t fit, and the blouse doesn’t fit. Consistency! All the Tresseme people did to Nose Ring was make her hair more severe, which helps, and got rid of her blue eyeshadow. Nice work Tressemme.

Hawt. In a Lea Delaria sort of way.

Her mother, Bad Perm, doesn’t respond well.

What have you done to my daughter you breeder?!?

Nina gives it the look of death. Squirc’s up next, and she did make the front of the dress look better. It’s far from sexy teacher though. She didn’t add hanging squircangles everywhere, which makes me proud, but she had to sew one to the front of her drab grey jacket. Loudmouth looks like Little Orphan Annie as a teenager. Mamma Loudmouth smiles, which I presume is good. Hobosexi’s look is next to come down the runway. It’s pretty unchanged from the last time we saw it, and Andro looks like a woman in her forties who shops at Anne Taylor. So not the assignment. I have to give Tressemme props, though, because they got rid of every single case of bad bleach and no one looks the worse for it. Well done!

CutToe’s work is the biggest surprise to me. She shortened and tightened the summer dress into a cute form fitting dress and instead of looking like a giant gardenia, Debbie Downer looks like a cute tree twig. The jacket is well tailored and goes really nicely with the skirt. Cut shouldn’t have emphasized the girl’s dirty knees, though. All in all, very nice. And damn, Tressemme! She looks hot! Debbie will give be the cause of a lot of biology geek boners when she gets to grad school.

Pleather is a mess. The dress isn’t as terrible as the other designers led us to believe, but it is pretty bad. It’s very loose fitting and basically just comes together with a belt, which doesn’t show much skill, but that’s not surprising. The jacket’s pretty retarded, and Roots is smart and takes it off the second she comes on the runway. Damn. Holy bleach out, she looks great and works the shit out of that runway. Go, Roots!

When Tracy Turnblad comes down the runway, Kenley immediately starts horsey laughing. I’m laughing too, but probably for different reasons. Tracy looks like she’s obsessed with getting the part of Liesl in the school production of Sound of Music. The vest is ridiculous and the poor kid comes off looking like a clown. Poor Tracy, but yay for Kenley sucking. And as much as she shrugged and rolled her eyes at Tim, she did try to feminize the vest with a peach belt and she did shorten the tulle to the same length as the skirt. Unfortunately, it’s still fug. She’s added one of her own signature feather clusters to the girls hair. Tracy looks like she’s playing Kenley in a sketch, but her attitude is way less c wordy.

I have to note that Kenley didn’t stop the horsey laugh once. Lame. The moms are excused and the designers are all kept on the runway. Kenley says that she loves her look and thinks that she would look great in Elle Magazine. If they ever do a “things moms made their kids wear to school in the 60′s” edition. Heidi says that the model is Kenley’s mini me and Kenley must be thrilled. LOL. You know Heidi doesn’t mean that shit as a compliment, but Kenley horsey laughs anyway as Tracy goes in for an awkward kiss. Nina calls it charming and cute, and Cynthia agrees. She likes the belt. That probably came off the Bluefly wall. Kors thinks it’s good too, but none of them sound thrilled.

Poor nose ring looks miserable. Cynthia is like not so much, and Heidi makes Nose Ring take off the jacket. Kors thinks it looks like a sixty year old’s idea of what professional should be. So is that good or bad? He’s sixty, no? Kenley AND her model start cracking up! WHAT WHORES!

The walls of many a highschool dance are lined with girls just like this.

Nina tries to ignore their assholishness and calls Straight Guy a cliche. Kors likes CutToe’s work and calls it current. Cynthia thinks the jacket is cool, and Nina calls it young and modern. Squirc’s next. Nina disgustedly asks what’s under the fug jacket. The judges all love the dress and hate the jacket. Cynthia says that her kids’ teachers usually dress more causal. Dang, Cynthia. You have young kids? Right before the expiration date. Good for you!

I can’t see or hear anything when Hobo is shown because my eyes are in the back of my head. I just can’t accept the feather cap. Can’t do it. Heidi loves it and says “you’re hired!” The judges all agree and love it. Andro says Hobo made her feel pretty, which really pisses Kenley off. What a bitch.

Cynthia says that Pleather’s jacket is gratuitous and doesn’t work with the dress, Kors says that she doesn’t look like a photographer at all (unlike Jerell’s model, who looks like she’s about to start a painting project any second now), and Cynthia says that she would tell any friend who wore this to change. LOL. Nina hates it. She tries to list her problems but says that she has too much. Pleather replies “ouch”. Indeed.

In alone time, the Judges talk about how much they love Hobo’s Andro transformation and Kors says “that’s a 22 year old’s idea of sophistication today.” HUH? The dress is kinda pretty, but come on. Kors is so fucking out of touch. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. No one that young would wear this unless they were trying to look forty. Especially not to paint in. I call bullshit. These judges are desperately trying to validate this season, and I ain’t buyin it.

Nina says that Kenley is good at finding interesting prints. Fat Bitch says that Kenley designs for people in a different time, but it worked this week. Kors and Cynthia love CutToe’s jacket, but no one seems excited. The judges all rag on Pleather’s crappy jacet and Cynthia calls it “a disaster”. They think Squirc’s look is frumpy, and Cynthia says that Straight Guy seems out of touch. Kors calls his work “yet another Becky Home Ec-y.”

So how’s welfare treatin’ ya?

The designers are brought back out on the runway. CutToe is in. Dammit I was rooting for her. Shocker, Mrs. Peacock wins. The fun part about this development is this.

Oh my God! I just horsey laughed!

Obviously I’m not Hobosexi’s biggest fan, but he made a pretty dress today (for an accountant) and he’s very sweet and humble about winning. Kenley is excused, noticeably not laughing at anyone anymore. Squirc is excused too, leaving Straight Guy and Pleather. Straight Guy smiles like an idiot as Heidi tells him he took a beautiful girl and aged her twenty years. She tells Pleather that his work was over done and impractical, but since he says wackadoodle and his own name a lot, he can stay. Straight Guy’s OUT! THE CURSE OF THE SIDEKICK! Later, ass. He says he doesn’t deserve to leave and he’s shown versatility. He’s proven what he wants to prove for his daughters. Follow your dreams, even if you should have gone to college and learned a trade like, I don’t know, brick laying. BIZYEZYE!

Next week, both Tim Gunn and Nina tell Kenley off. I’ll be there!

**It’s always a little uncomfortable making fun of the “real people” who volunteer to come on these shows. Fun, yes, but whenever I am done I feel bad. I mean come on. If I was ever a guest on PR the first thing I would do is Google the episode and read a bunch of shit head bloggers calling me a thirtysomething eight months pregnant Charlie Brown and cry myself to sleep at night. It’s all meant with love, real people! And to Mrs. Turnblad, wherever you are, I love you.