Project Runway: Understanding Blue Light

This week on Project Runway, Kenley’s an a hole. Sorry was that a spoiler?

Pointy heads, frizzy hair and under eye bags are in and hot skinny blondes are out. Project Runway for President!

Did the DVR start recording late? Tonight’s episode didn’t begin with shots of the designers getting out of bed and griping about how hard everything is and how sad they are to see someone else get kicked off. No shots of Dirty Olsen on the cover of Elle, no shots of Suede’s pasty ass making up dreams about a dead relative inspiring him to design suits made out of muffins. No shots of Jerell our favorite Hobosexual digging through the kitchen trash for the day’s outfit. What gives? Next you’re gonna tell me that there will be some good designing here today. NAH! Too much change for one epi.

Fat Bitch Heidi greets the designers on the runway. Thankfully, she is not joined by Tom Bergeron, Howie Mandell, Jeff Probst or Ryan Seacrest. Her lines are all written down tonight, they’re few and far between, and she starts with a tiny outfit instead of an awkward tux. Things are back to normal. Heidi, please never speak in public like that again. Love, Flipit.

The models are brought out on the runway and three of them have to go. Why does this girl always look like she’s about to have a breakdown? Now that I have a chance to stare at this screengrab, I can see that she’s not emotional at all. She just has very poorly waxed brows that make it look like she has cry-ey face. Point? There isn’t one. I’ve just been wondering about her emotional state all season and now I don’t have to. All is well! Sigh of relief. That one was keeping me up at night.

Nothing’s even happened yet, and already Kenley looks seriously pissed. This is gonna be a good hour.

Advice: Five Cents

Kenley dumps her model and takes Straight Guy’s girl, and then Leanne the Queen of the Squircangle dumps her pretty blonde for Terri’s nostril twin:

But…I’m blonde! And pretty! And I cut off my lips for you! BITCH!

Pleather is offended that his model was swiped and says that Squirc is like the kid in the candy store who wants everything everyone else has. Yes, Pleath. She’s jealous of you. WE ALL ARE. He says his own name and acts like a drama queen about it and then picks Cry-ey Brows, whose face smiles while her brows stay depressed. Not a good year for the pretty blondes.

Back to law school.

Turns out that Pleather was right about Squircangle’s shady motives. She tells us that he had an advantage by having a model named Tia because Tia means aunt in Spanish and who the hell wants to eliminate their aunt? Also she’s super hot and walks well. Or something. Heidi tells the designers that they will be getting their assignments from Tim in the workroom this week and then she says byebye time to get home and watch “The Bones”. Speaking of, there’s our shot of Dirty Olsen!

On newsstands now. And forever. Like Cats.

Back in the workroom, Tim gets right to the point. They will be designing for each other. Wow. That’s a new one. CutToe says that she doesn’t want to design for anyone else, she just wants to make wrap dresses for pregnant ladies until someone hands her a hundred grand and pats her on the back.

Pleather chooses Hobosexi, who showed up today looking like an abandoned ten year old girl wandering around downtown in her dirty bathing suit. He claims to be a very difficult client. I’ll bet. Imagine trying to collect a debt from this guy.

Come to think of it, CutToe is the only one who isn’t dressed like a crazy person.

Pleather says his own name seriously six times and PLEASE let him go home today. He tells us that he’s gonna win just so he can get Tia back. How bout you win just so you can validate your continued existence beyond your “wackadoodles” and third person bs? He’s excited about the challenge even though he’s not so into menswear. You don’t say. Well, he picked the right boy because like the “real person” model last week, Hobosexi won’t mind if you ditch the pants altogether. Kenley will be designing for Squirc (I’m kinda wishing this was Shear Genius right about now. Girl needs a head makeover), CutToe picks Pleather and doesn’t even try looking ok with it, Hobosexi chooses Kenley, and Squirc gets CutToe. But WAIT! THERE’S MORE!!

They will be designing for each other, but they have to design within the guidelines of a certain musical genre. Kenley is pop and Pleather is punk, which really puts CutToe in a good mood.

She’s country, Squirc is hip hop, and Hobosexi is rock. Uh, where’s musical theater? This is the gayest show in history (although Top Design’s nipping at its heels) and no Broadway? SHAME ON YOU, ELVES! I was kinda hoping someone would get to paint Kenley green.

In consultations, Pleather basically designs his own outfit, which can only spell trouble. CutToe says she’ll do whatever he wants but if he has any problems with her he better tell her to her face instead of waiting to say it in front of Tim so she doesn’t have to cut his balls off and feed them to him on national TV. He laughs like she’s joking, but she doesn’t laugh back. Cut’s really not holding back the bitch today, and I likey.

Squirc does a rap for us to commemorate Kenley picking her for a hip hop outfit. “Kenley’s gonna make an outfit for me. She better not make it look like it’s from nineteen fif-ty!” LOL, Squirc. Add a couple “pu**y juice”s and “Holla”s in there and you’ll have Missy Elliot running for the hills. Kenley tells her that lots of people are wearing high wasted jeans right now. IN HIP HOP. LOLOLLLLLL.

Jackie Honassis

Squirc, wisely stays quiet and tries not to jump up and down excitedly as Kenley digs her own grave. Jerell asks Pleather for a giant rock collar and a cape. Pleather worries that since the judges called him dated last week he will get in trouble for making something that looks like Kiss would have worn in the eighties. I wonder if the judges told him he was an annoying talentless hack, he’d stop being an annoying talentless hack. Hobosexi tells Kenley that he’s gonna turn her into “Kenley Spears”. HA. I am loving this episode. He says “you’re sellin’ sex. You’re sellin’ sex” and she just horsey giggles. I have a feeling this is gonna be more Britney from last year’s VMA’s than the sex seller.

With bangs.

CutToe has no idea what to suggest to Squirc for her country outfit. She just sits there and tries not to cut herself while Squirc tells us that she’s going to do her best not to make a costume. Kenley comes over and asks Squirc to try on some pants and CutToe tells her her time is up and she needs to get lost before Cut gets all hip hop on her ass. Kenley won’t shut up so Cut just “bleh”s a lot and waves her away. This woman is becoming my hero tonight.

Tim takes them all to Mood, where Kenley picks out loud Mrs. Roeper fabric. He tries to warn her that it’s not hip hop and she argues with him and says it looks like graffiti.

The writing on the wall?

He stresses his point and she puts her hand up to the side of her head so she doesn’t have to see him and sticks out her tongue and squeezes her nose like he stinks. Finally, Tim throws his hands up in the air. Five designers left and still at least two who shoulda been gone long ago. From now on, every recap will be titled “Well Done, Casting Department. Well Done” so I don’t have to keep saying it over and over again.

CutToe is looking for stretch denim for Pleather. In related news, I’m not hungry. She continues her hero streak back at the workroom by telling everyone that she’s gonna look like “Shania Jank” in Squircangle’s design. HAHAH. For those of you who don’t know what jank is, here is the description from UrbanDictionary.com: adj- broken; unnecessarily redundant, superfluous, or meaningless; stupid or ridiculously moronic; bootleg or of questionable quality. Fuck! This CD player I bought off Ebay is jank. Squirc doesn’t have access to UD at the moment, so she doesn’t know that Cut just called her a hack. Like I said. Hero.

Hobosexi asks Squirc what her hip hop name is gonna be and she says “Leannimal”. Oh, Squirc (gentle pat on your head). Kenley is making a poofy shouldered leather jacket and high waisted pants. She says that she’s stepping outside of the box by doing pants because it’s just not her thing. Women didn’t wear pants in the 50′s. She’s stepping so far out of the box that she’s stepping into the box. A seven foot long box. With satin and padding on the inside. I volunteer to be there when it’s nailed shut. CutToe and Hobo are with me. They stand across the room and laugh at her ignorance but decide to not let her know how stupid she looks. Cut stays quiet, but Hobo actually smiles and tells Kenley “that’s hot as hell”. Couldn’t happen to a nicer person.

Later, Hobosexi stands by the dress forms wearing his past two winning designs and asks for a “hip hip Jerell!” CutToe asks him how much longer he’s gonna drag it out. HA. He should get to work, because all he has done on Kenley’s dress is a sliver of fabric and a fake diamond choker. She says that he thinks that she has a better body than she does. Or he just wants to make you look as ridiculous as possible.

Add a leash to that thing and there’s not a judge in the world who wouldn’t vote for you to win.

CutToe asks Pleather if he’s ever worn tight jeans, and Pleather says that he only wears them when he knows the cable guy’s coming over. Turns out Pleath is a classically trained cellist, which explains the trucker hats and the pleather vests and the pastiness. Actually, it doesn’t. Point is, whether he wears tight jeans or not, HE SHOULDN’T. CutToe tells us that she hates the challenge but she’s gonna do her best and own her work and claim it “IN THE NAME OF JESUS!” because she will be going to Bryant Park. Unfortunately, Jesus is busy right now trying to understand the wording of the bailout package before all hell breaks loose. Just don’t suck.

Pleath tells us that when he worked at Jordache jeans he dressed lots of pop stars. Christina, Britney, Destiny’s Child. I assume he means he literally dressed them. Like helped them get their tight jeans on.

He billed three hours for this dress alone.

Hobosexi calls CutToe “Country Fried CutToe” as she dances around in her cowboy boots before asking Kenley for a fitting. He tells us that we’re gonna see a whole new side of Kenley, and HOLY LORD he wasn’t kidding. We’re gonna see every single side of her. Video killed the radio star, really bad reality shows killed the video star, and Kenley killed the glitter bra.

Could you maybe just add some wires to this?

With four hours left in the day, Tim comes to check on progress. He starts with Hobosexi and says that his silhouette is beautiful but could use a bit more. Squirc is a huge mess, but Tim just says “it’s pleasing”. HUH? I think at this point he’s just at a loss for words. CutToe tells Tim that she’s trying not to go too far with her punk outfit, but Tim tells her it’s too basic and she needs to go further. Dramatic scary music plays during Pleather’s critique. Tim can’t just say “kill yourself. God made a mistake”, so instead he just makes this face.

Pleather takes this to mean that he needs to make a few alterations. Here. You can use my Zippo. Kenley’s up next. She says that she sees a lot of hip hop artists today wearing leather jackets. Finger on the pulse, that one. Tim gingerly tells her he’s an old fart, but he thinks that hip hop is oversized, not tight jeans pulled up to the rib cage. Kenley shakes her head and says “NOOOOO! That’s 80‘s hip hop!” Like Tiffany! Debbie Gibson? That shit was deep, yo. The street poetry of our generation.

Kenley gets all defensive and starts whining and Tim tells her that he’s not on the attack, he’s just trying to help her. “But you said everything should be oversiiiiized! WAAAAHHH!” He tells her that he wants her to succeed and it would help if she would stop being an asshole remove the facetiousness and sarcasm from the equation cuz he’s not just being a dick for fun. He’s also doing for money. And his own show. Kenley laughs. Instead of slapping her, which you know he wants to do, he says that he’s just trying to channel her thinking. Don’t channel too hard. People will start feeding you sugar cubes.

He ends by saying that he tried to follow her and she led him off a precipice. I LOVE THIS MAN. Kenley, shockingly, tells us that she isn’t listening to Tim because after all, what does he know about hip hop anyway? If he learns one thing, I hope it’s to smack a bitch up. She chalks the problem up to his not “understaaaanding meee!” Honey, I think we all understand you fine by now.

YOYOYO mothafuckas!

The pants she made for Squirc are, obviously, ridiculous. Squirc promises that she’s not gonna stand on the runway and lie about liking them, either, “especially for someone like Kenley.” Go, Squirc! Kenley’s work is so bad that CutToe does something she very very rarely, if ever, does. She gives off a genuine, totally giddy smile and tells us that she can’t wait for tomorrow.

Who are you?

Kenley dances around the room in her leather jacket and horsey laughs and says that it’s totally hip hop. Hobosexi just laughs and pats himself on the back for making it into the final four. Pleather tells us that he has a very bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. Tim hates his work and worse, no dead people have come to him in his dreams to give him ideas. Awwww. I am really feeling for him. Bwahahahah! The next morning, as Hobosexual puts on his latest ripped up woman’s t-shirt, he tells us that he is thinking of sabotaging Pleather. You should be thinking about going to the GAP and BUYING something, you dodo. I actually have started to like Hobo because he’s at least entertaining, but come on. I just can’t root for this. I CAN’T DO IT!

Perfect. Places!

Then he tells his roommates, Tim and Straight Guy, that if they stay home today they have to promise not to make a mess.

And I like him again. DAMN YOU, HOBO!

Kenley has woken up with a positive attitude and tells us that she’s not listening to Tim and she knows hip hop. BTW did you know Obama went to Parsons?

YES WE CAN!

Squirc says she’s got a lot of work to do on her big formless blouse, but I don’t know what she’s talking about.

Looks like CutToe to me. Maybe add some patterns?

Hobo says that CutToe has some major junk in her trunk so it will be interesting to see how Squirc pulls it off. That ass is a new shape in itself. Kenley has made high wasted capri pants that’re “a little too bunchy in the crotch,” but is convinced that it’s hip hop. Hobo just nods his head and tells her she’s doing great. She adds a giant necklace. And then giant earrings. Hobo keeps nodding yes while CutToe laughs her ass off.

The designers get to sit in the hair and makeup chair this week, and I have to say it’s pretty awesome to see Kenley’s bangs cuteified. Funny, though, that her hair is still a big bouffant from the 50′s. Pleather got a multicolored weave as bangs and thinks he looks like he belongs in the drag queen challenge. You wish you were that hot. All this time, the only think Hobosexi needed to make his clothes make sense was a little eye makeup.

Easy. Breezy. Beautiful.

D. This entire season is disrespectful to Tim.

LL Cool J is the guest judge today, and unfortunately he’s not wearing my favorite outfit.

Cut Toe is out first on the runway in Squirc’s country dress and looks like she’s attending a kid’s birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. Who in the country world dresses like that? I think the last time I saw anything close to this was in a Patsy Cline bio. FAIL. I do like the Wonder Woman belt though and Cut can walk. She moves that butt back and forth like a giant cat tail. Damn girl! Otherwise…

Crazy

Hobosexual’s next with his rocker outfit on Kenley. There’s a badly swen dress over a little black mini and a tiny furry vest made out of Gonzo the Muppet. It’s not as bad as Squirc’s, so there’s something.

The giant sunglasses on her head really make this rock.

Kenley gets mad because she says that Squirc isn’t doing anything to sell her hip hop outfit. She’s doing everything she can short of shooting people. Nothing can sell that look. HIDEOUS. And the flat ironed hair? That will do nothing to help her split ends. The judges are all laughing at Squirc’s hilarious hip hop walk/performance, which might be Kenley’s saving grace this week.

No words.

Pleather takes the runway in a full on punk attitude. Well, at least that’s what he’s going for. He looks like the bully from The Simpsons, who’s a punk, but not punk. CutToe’s pants are pretty cool and the look is rock. It’s nothing brilliant, but it doesn’t suck. And she gave us ten seconds without Pleather’s fucking fauxhawk, so I think she should win just for that.

HAHA

Pleather’s Rock look for Hobo is out next. It’s basically black skinny jeans with a vest that looks like it’s made out of Hefty bags and one of Jerell’s women’s t-shirts that’s been tie died. Honestly, it looks like something Hobosexi would actually wear. Good job on copying some of the worst style in TV history, Pleath. As much as I would love to see Pleather go, there were three outfits today that sucked way worse than this one and the only rule this season is to not suck the most. He’s probably in.

Add a train conductor’s hat and a necklace made from discarded Dr Pepper cans and you’ve got him down.

Everyone is brought out on the runway and introduced to the judges. Nina is smiling and LL is making the fat lip face me and my sister used to make at each other when we were kids. Are they drunk?

Hi. I’m Fatty. My momma’s Fat, my daddy’s fat. And I’m fat.

LL’s coming out with a new album and a new clothing line! I hope he sells those t-shirts with shiny shit all over them. That fad can’t last long enough. Kenley is mortified that she got the hip hop judge. Not because her clothes are hideous, but because Squirc’s a dork. I don’t know what she means.

LL thinks that CutToe’s punk outfit has energy. Nina says “Marylin Manson” and “right on”. Bring back my Nina, you pod person! It’s official. The judges love it. Pleather isn’t so lucky. Kors likes the vest, but says the pants are boring. Pleather disagrees and says a lot of work went into it so maybe they should look up close. Those pants, by the way, are Pleather’s best work to date. LL reminds him that no one sees detail from the audience and the outfit could use more accessories. Heidi points out that Hobo looks exactly like himself. It doesn’t sound like a compliment.

Hobo’s pop dress for Kenley went over well. Nina loves it and especially Kenley’s boobies. Heidi thinks the boobies should have been better supported and LL thinks they look great. Unfortunately, the Judges’ boners deflate when it’s Kenley’s turn to get critiqued for her hip hop massacre. She says that her design personified the genre, but in a classy expensive way. LOL. Heidi says the pants are the most unflattering that she’s ever seen, LL doesn’t get the high wasted jeans and Heidi asks him if it’s hip hop. When he says no, Kenley starts whining and talking really fast and saying that she didn’t want to put oversized pants on her. LL says “no no no” and tries to stop her. He doesn’t get to explain that baggy pants are for MEN in hip hop because Kenley won’t shut up. The judges all start talking back to her and shutting her up at the same time. Oh wah. No one understands you, Blue Light.

LL says it’s not hip hop and Nina said it didn’t make the point, to which Kenley responds “Fiiiiine!” Kors says it doesn’t look expensive and Kenley says she can do that in four days but not one. Nina reminds her that everyone else had the same challenge. I would love to comment on all of this but the only words coming to mind are Kenley. Asshole. Thankfully, Nina’s face is here to do the talking.

Bring it, bitch.

After a moment of waiting for Nina’s poisonous neck sack to deflate, the judging continues with Squirc’s country outfit. She says that she tried to put vintage Dolly with modern glamour. The jewelry Kenley draped all over her won’t shut up while she talks. Nina likes the color but thinks it lacks in sophistication. Heidi loves CutToe’s big butt, and LL says that it’s not country enough. Kors is bored.

In alone time, Kors says that hair and makeup made the outfits and that the work today was mediocre. They liked Hobo’s rock outfit and CutToe’s punk outfit. LL says she nailed it. Kors thinks Pleather’s outfit was “rock on it’s way to the grocery store”. Ha. They think it looks like something Hobo would wear in real life, but less creative. Ouch. Meanwhile, Pleather sits in the holding tank looking like Susan Powter on too much sodium.

Kors thinks that Kenley’s outfit looks like something you’d buy in a mall. WHAT MALL? LL calls it and says they look like mom jeans. Kors thinks she just freaked out because she couldn’t make a 50′s prom dress. Love it. LL thinks CutToe looked like a waitress in a theme bar and Kors says that she looked like she was going out for ribs. I love that this is what Kors thinks is going on in rib houses all over America.

Too late.

CutToe wins with her punk outfit. I am happy for her because I like the nastiness she brought to the table this week, but it’s a sad state when that outfit is the top. Bleached jeans and an ugly tshirt with chains hot glued to it. Hobo is excused from the runway, followed by Squirc, who jangles all the way off stage. Pleather was too safe this week and Kenley had no glamour, bravado, or hip hop attitude. Pleather’s out!! FINALLY!!!! It’s about time. I think that if the judges were judging on this task and this task alone as they are always claiming that they do, he would have been safe. But thank goodness life just ain’t fair. He tells Heidi that “our feet are sane” and then says his name a few times.

His exit interview is a let down. He doesn’t cry and he doesn’t have to wear that hideous makeup. Now he’s just back to his own hideous makeup. He ends with a quote. “As Madonna says, you get up over and over.” She also says “jump.” If you’re gonna take her advice, take it all. With a few reminders of his name and a hug for his fug dress form, he’s gone.

Bizyezye

Next week, everyone cries and Kenley tells off Heidi. I’m in!