Project Runway: Spare Some Change?

This week on Project Runway, Kors steals from Kenley, Kenley steals from McQueen, and Squirc steals construction paper from middle schools to finish her line.

I got you, damn fly!

Fat Bitch comes out wearing a seriously misguided black outfit with a silver belt. It’s sweet, though, that she sticks out her tummy a bit and makes ugly faces to not make any one feel too bad about not being hot and thin and rich.

I am vun uff da peoples.

And uh-oh. Look where Rich Bye’s name is tonight!

Ruh roh.

Now, there are three reasons I don’t think Kenley will go home tonight. 1. She’s an ass, and everyone loves to see asses on TV. 2. The hobo is one of the worst designers to ever make it past week three on this show, and 3. YentaPatrol sent me a link to Kors’ 2009 collection, and it seems that he needs Ken to go far to justify his trip back to his twenties. In 1953. Oh, Kors. You know he saw Ken’s first outfit and was like “so that’s what the kids are doing these days!” No, Kors. Just Kenley. And now you. If I had a freshly baked apple pie I would so throw it at your orange butt. Anyways, he’s ripped her off, the least he can do is let her show in the finale.

Any of this look familiar?

Heidi calls the designers out on sucking schweddy ones on the last challenge and tells them that in addition to the ten looks they have to create in two months, they will have one more challenge! Sweet! A wedding dress! Wait. LAME. When my sister got married I was forced to sit through weeks and weeks of fittings. I’m traumatized. Does this make me look fat? Does this make me look short? Does this make me look like I’m on the set of Hee Haw? Who cares? You found a dimwit to marry you. Tranquilize him while he’s standing still, get a ring on your finger and split town. You finally have a man who doesn’t mind looking at you naked. Wearing anything would be the last thing on my mind. I’d show up everywhere in boxer briefs and a bikini top with my muffin hanging all over the place screaming “I’VE GOT A MAN, LOSERS! SUCK IT!”

CutToe is “annoyed” by the challenge because she thought making it to the end would mean they’re finally freeeeee!!!! Uh, you shoulda been free last week when they were about to kick you off. You wanna go there? I hope she sticks to her whole “running from Africa” story line, because I googled African wedding and the headpieces alone in this pic could save the season.

Tim Gunn comes out on the runway in power stripes, just to stop Kenley’s sass before it starts. He basically just stands there long enough for a Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style banner to flash on the screen and then leaves again. He and Heidi share a giant sausage behind the screen and it’s frankly uncomfortable to watch. Not as uncomfortable as Joe and Slade: Date My Ex, but close.

Kenley had a rough week on the runway last week, and it’s really humbled her. She tells us that she can’t believe she acted like such a jerk and didn’t even know it and is going straight to Borders to pick up a copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People. Kidding! She says that all the other designers sabotaged her and she can’t wait to win and then she leaves the Atlas without saying bye to anyone. That’s our girl! Now push that old woman out of the way and get her taxi, tigress!

Jerell the Hobosexual, CutToe, and Leanne, the inventor of the Squircangle, have also grown by leaps and bounds. As Kenley storms off, Hobo snaps his fingers and rolls his head and does his lame Jackee in Ladybugs impression and then all three snicker about what an a hole Kenley is. CutToe says that Kenley is her rude stanky self and she’s glad the judges called her out on it. The judges also called you out on making a tacky beauty pageant mess, but if we didn’t have selective memory, we would all be suicidal.

Hobo tells the girls to bring the fire, because he’s gonna bring the pain. A Styles P reference. Way to keep it real, Hobo. He says that he doesn’t know what anyone else plans to do with their eight thousand dollars, but he’s gonna use his to built a giant hut made out of popsicle sticks and then make his line out of discarded boxes from behind fast food restaurants so he can spend the other $7,999 on a gay cruise.

I could collect enough trash out of the bins on a gay cruise to design for a LIFETIME!

No matter how insane CutToe makes me sometimes, I will always love her. Look how the bitch hails a cab!

Screeeeech!

Four weeks later, Tim goes off to check on the collections and starts in Little Rock, Arkansas with CutToe. Cut has done the wise thing and rented a large office far away from her family. Welcome home, mommy! Ah, new Tombstones for the freezer. Thanks! It’s good to see that she’s going back to her African roots and standing up for women’s right to walk around with her boobies flailing everywhere.

Nice skirt. Totally goes with your boobs.

She wants to do ethnic, but not too ethnic. Damn. So it’s a no on the giant headpieces from the African wedding? I had high hopes for you, Cut! Tim sees her green piece with gold snakeskin sewn into the front and warns her against sending a snatch shot down the runway. LOL. Leave it up to a gay guy to see the hidden vagina in everything. Shiny snake skin snatch. This is probably what Tina Turner’s snatch looks like.

For the final challenge, she’s made a non traditional beige wedding dress with pleats all over it. Way to cut Squirc off at the balls, Cut!

Take that, Squirc!

After checking out her line, Tim goes to her house, which Cut describes as a blend of Africa and Arkansas. With a description like that, I didn’t know what I thought was coming. But it wasn’t this.

I suppose there’s grass in Africa.

Her daughter is ADORABLE and her friends all seem very supportive and sweet. She has a hippie friend named Star, which kills me. Tim’s like, there’s only room for one Star bitch, so back to Whole Foods with you. I like her husband ok, but who can even pay attention to him with this guy in the room?

Hobo would make like ten outfits out of this.

He’s Sensei, CutToe’s drumming partner. I wasn’t expecting that. But her friends were. I don’t think this is the first time they’ve done this. Hey guys! Dinner’s ready! But first CutToe and Sensei are gonna play drums, k? Star goes to work at the card shop and’s all casually like “I went to my friend CutToe’s house and listened to her and her friend Sensai play beautiful, truthful African drum loops that spoke to me. Again. I am fascinating. I am Star.”

When’s cake?

Seriously, though, Cut is one fascinating woman, and undeniably talented. Knowing that she sits around her house with a guy in a Fred Flinstone shirt and rainbow headband playing the drums after fleeing Liberia during the Civil War because her politician father was marked for death and losing everything and living on welfare and then rising up and becoming successful and strong makes me like her even more. Wow. That’s the best back story ever. There is simply no beating that one. Unless Kenley forces Tim onto the family tugboat for her segment. And I wouldn’t put it past her.

Down down baby down by the rollercoaster,

Sweet sweet baby I don’t wanna let you go,

Chewy chewy coconut chewy chewy yeah!

Chewy chew coconut chewy chewy yeah!

I am happy for Cut Toe. And as the song ends, I am happy for Sensei, who has finally gotten the chance to show his leopard print pancho to the world and been brought to tears.

And, our work is done here.

Next, Tim gets in his Ford and drives all the way to Portland. Along the way, he stops at a couple of truck stops and interviews husbands in his Nissan. All the grungy trucker dudes loved his Toyota so much that they all offered dowries right away for his hand. So, Portland. Squirc takes the bowl off of her head and puts away the scissors and invites Tim into her long silent white apartment. She introduces her boyfriend, who is pretty much exactly like you’d think he’d be.

The Leanimal must go feral on this one. Bomchickawowow!

After a stimulating conversation about art, politics and Sondheim with Squirc’s bf, Tim is taken to Squirc’s work room. Lots of white and aqua. I wasn’t expecting that. Everyone’s a little princess at heart! Squirc doesn’t waste time on the small talk. She’s been working hard at her lab of the new shape.

The wingtangle.

Squirc tells Tim that she had to clear her mind after the terrifying season, so she would go sit by the Portland waterfront to get inspired. And possibly buy a bag of mj. I was hoping she’d have been inspired by the homeless people or that old dude who stands on the waterfront jangling change in his pocket and lookin at you funny. But no. She was inspired by the waves. I’d like to think that’s a bullshit excuse she’s using to squirc out any damn shape experiment she wants to, because waves? Come on, Squirc. You’re deeper than that.

That must be at least fifty fart cushions.

Tim isn’t too keen on the bright white, and I’m not keen on the chefs hat/ marshmallow man skirt.

The wedding dress is … wow. It’s her.

This looks like the head growth on a really gross goldfish.

Tim is nice about it at first, but ends his critique by saying if that’s what she shows first he doesn’t know if he’d wanna see the rest. She’s like alrighty then thanks for coming grab a mint on your way back to your Kia. After his eyes unstick from the back of his head, Squirc offers to take him on a bike ride. He looks thrilled.

She takes him out on her tandem bike. Aw, Squirc and her boyfriend must paint the town beige in this thing. However her line turns out, I will be forever be grateful to her for this picture.

Everyone in town’s like “there’s that girl from the TV on her bike with another retard boyfriend.”

She leads him to a park, where they sit in the woods and talk about Leanne’s artistic integrity and the birth of her special brand of bangs.

Next stop is LA. On the way, Tim stops and gambles at a couple of Indian Casinos in Phoenix and gets a handjob from a valet in his Dodge. Our first glimpse of Hobosexi is…well…what the hell has happened to him? He looks like…like…like he has a home.

Theo Huxtable! You little squirrel! How’d you get back on my TV?

See? Hobos don’t only buy wine and gum. They eventually evolve into clipper and gel users. I am going to run right out and donate to a hobo. LOL I’m so not gonna. But it was fun imagining myself doing it. The wedding dress is the first thing we see. It looks beautiful from this angle.

Unfortunately, the camera moves.

Kenley! Found your tulle!

Hobo’s collection so far is pretty morbid, and as you’d expect, it all looks uneven and glue gunned. Tim tries to warn him that the front of the wedding dress is too loose and doesn’t make much sense. Hobo explains that it’s his style for things to look like they don’t quite fit right and tells us that he appreciates Tim but he’s not gonna listen to him. And the grave is dug.

Better grooming, but same old Hobo.

Tim’s face is in a permanent scrunch as hey surveys Hobosexi’s collection. Poor Tim. What do you say?

Hey! You caught a biker hooker whore! Those are totally rare!

Tim is as nice as he can be. Instead of slapping him and asking him if he wants to live on the street for the rest of his life, he says “edit” as many ways as possible. Time to meet the friends and family! Hobo introduces his boyfriend as his “love interest”. Even he sees himself as a character on a show.

Where’s Squiggy?

Tim asks the adorable mom how she feels about her son not living in trash cans anymore and she says that he’s always been interesting and she knew that whatever he would end up doing as an adult, it would be something “creative”. Poor mom! Hobosexi adds that he would find a dirty stained sock and cut one end off of it and call it a tube tress with a train. And he hasn’t evolved since. Well, now he has a glue gun. The mom is sweet and cute and lovely at first glance, but pics of the past show a different story. A story of abuse and neglect.

I know the car’s going slow, but still.

He grew up in South Central when the gang wars were happening and saw some pretty violent stuff. On the plus side, he learned to forage through war zones to find fashion textiles.

Nothing says fashion forward like a burnt Milky Way wrapper. I smell a prom dress!

Hobo starts crying when he talks about his dad, who worked as a truck driver and slept in the cab just to provide for the family! That’s sweet. On a side note, dad has a killer fro.

And he’s wearing Hobo’s favorite outfit.

Tim gets misty eyed and starts to cry a little. Or maybe he’s still crying from that collection. Either way, he’s very nice and even crumples up a dollar bill and a bottle cap and throws them behind the couch on his way out for a morning surprise. AW!!

Next, it’s back into the Chevrolet for a road trip to Brooklyn. Along the way, Tim meets a spiritual adviser who tells him that he’s never going to die ever because he was born too fabulous. Then in Seattle he has dinner with Veronica Webb to apologize for getting rid of her on Guide to Style. After a rest stop orgy in Jersey, it’s off to Kenley’s place in Brooklyn! Darn. It’s not in the river. I want a tugboat, dammit! Way to not pay off on our expectations, Kenley. In other news, she’s decided to change her bangs. She hasn’t cut them off, but there’s definitely a different shape. An oval? No, cuz it’s angular on one side. I need to consult Squirc.

Whatever the hell is wrong with you, don’t take it out on your bangs. They don’t deserve your abuse.

She’s really nice to Tim when he enters her place and even gives him a little horsey giggle. Then she rolls her eyes. Kenley says that she appreciates Tim’s opinion even if it seems like she doesn’t. And I know I already made a tulle joke, but seriously. Kenley kept that black tulle from last week! Let it go, girl! That tulle can only fester!

Tim: Nice place!

Kenley: Fuck you, Tim.

Kenley’s grandma was “a part of fashion” back in the day, and Kenley has a pic on her wall. It’s really pretty, and grandma’s wearing something Kenley would design. Ken starts crying because her grandma died a couple of years ago. Aw! I won’t make fun of her dead grandma because she’s not Pleather and I have a heart and the grandma never came to her in a dream and told her to make hideous fashion choices. Tim does the sweet thing and sticks to compliments. Kenley’s not really ready for the “dressing strangers like your grandma won’t bring her back” speech.

Let her go towards the light, hon. Maybe bury this pic with the tulle and get the Rachel cut.

Kenley’s going with a sort of Alice in Wonderland theme. Kors will be making a special appearance as Tweedle Dee and Dum, respectively. The cool thing here is that Kenley hand painted her own fabrics. Right on! Unfortunately, they all still look like air freshener labels.

Forrest Bouquet

Tim is a little worried for her when he sees the rope around a dress form’s neck. Kenley stares at him blankly, not getting it. Then she whines “I like rooooope, Tiiiim!” He hints that it might make people think of hanging themselves. Blank stare. He nudges her. “You really don’t see it?” Nope. Nothing creepy there.

Alright, someone needs to hug Kenley.

She explains that since her dad was a tugboat captain, she’s obsessed with ropes. You know, cuz that’s what tugboats use to…tug things. Because she was always being tugged along by her daddy and never on the same boat! WAAAAHHH!!! Her daddy issues are painful. For all of us. Cut to Kenley as a child on a giant pile of rope. Man. Last week I started feeling for Kenley a teency bit. This week I’m plain worried.

Hobo was on top of a car as a baby in a roller thing, Kenley’s playing with rope as a child. This season is hurting my soul. Don’t abuse your children, America, or we’ll end up with more mediocre designers. Bad fashion starts at home!

Tim doesn’t know quite what to say about Kenley’s grand finale. It looks like the Ugly Duckling killed The Swan and wore her carcass to prom. When Tim says he is proud of her, she starts crying and says that that’s all she’s wanted to hear. LOL insecurity. Instead of laughing at her and calling a doctor, Tim just pats her on the head and makes her promise not to hang herself.

Ok. If you say you’re proud again! Say it again daddy!

Kenley tells us that she’s worked really hard and then starts crying about how she thinks she has a huge chance of winning. Oh, Kenley. Give a girl enough rope…Time to meet Kenley’s friends and family! Tim waits and waits but no one comes. Finally, Kenley pops in a DVD of Tugboat Willie and cries and rocks back and forth while Tim looks out the window to make sure his Prius hasn’t been stolen.

Two months fly by in twenty two minutes. CutToe is the first to arrive at the hotel in NY, and she just hopes that she doesn’t get stuck rooming with Kenley. Squirc is next to arrive and immediately jumps into Cut’s room, which leaves Hobo with Kenley. He arrives like the old Hobo, pre Huxtiblization. He’s away from love interest now, so he’s free to put back on his acid wash women’s t-shirts and pick pennies off the ground to save for a 99 cent Whopper.

Cut and Squirc warn him that he has to share rooms with Kenley, and he rolls his head and snaps and babbles nonsensically and laughs at himself. When Kenley arrives, the other three designers are sitting around drinking wine and discussing what a waste of space she is. She smiles big and gives a warm hello. Hobo is polite enough to say high, but Cut just glares and drinks her wine. Come on now. Do we need to get Sensei in here to lead a drum circle?

She smiled at me. That bitch.

Kenley says how great the hotel room is while everyone sips their wine and gives her dirty looks. Finally, Hobo points her toward their room and she takes the hint. She turns back and horsey giggles and says she’s “sorry for being a bitch or whatever. I just wanna be cool with everybody.” Then she goes to unpack and giggle while everyone else rolls their eyes in the living room. Tim sends over a cart of food and champers and they all decide to chill and be nice to Kenley. CutToe even clinks glasses with her and says that she wishes her the best. Good, everyone grew up. Now I can stop rooting for Kenley because I don’t feel sorry for her anymore.

The next moring, they all go to the workroom and unpack their collections. Tim comes in and gathers them around to say Bluefly a lot. Oh yeah, and to add a challenge! HA! No one is happy about that one. And it’s even worse than the wedding dress. A bridesmaid dress! Love it. The only way this could get better is if they had to shove the makeover girls into them.

E. Kors

The reaction is pretty typical for the season. Everyone cries and starts talking about how hard they’ve worked to get so far. At Mood, Squirc goes for more aqua, which can’t be a good idea, while across the store Tim tries to warn Hobo about picking dark grey fabric. Hobo waves him off and tells us that his method is to pick the fabrics and then wait for them to tell him what they want to be. They probably just want to be inside out of the rain, Hobo. I have trouble believing that any kind of fabric would ask to be made into half the crap Hobo’s made. Poor masochist fabric.

Later, in the workroom, CutToe makes an eery callback to Leatha’s seat belt debacle…

…while saying that she thinks she might snap soon. Kenley horsey giggles and says that if she wants to snap she can snap on Kenley cuz she’s already been there. Cut stays jovial and asks when she ever snapped. Kenley giggles and reminds her it was in the holding tank after the last runway. Cut laughs and says she only did that cuz Kenley called her boring and then Kenley giggles and says that it’s not as bad as getting called out for having a shitty personality. The giggle war. No one got hurt. CutToe tells us that she knows the old Kenley assmunch is under the sweet veneer, but she’ll be ok with her unless Kenley forces her to kick her ass.

I fucking hate you and hope you die.

I’m going to burn your bangs off while you’re sleeping, slut.

Hobo’s dress isn’t looking too cute, but he’s not worried.

It’s totally on purpose!

Cut doesn’t agree with that assesment. When she got married, she wanted her bridesmaids to look pretty. She tells the women of America that they don’t have to sabotage their bridesmaids’ looks just to keep their man past the reception. I will admit, if I ever get married, anyone in my wedding party will be disgustingly fat and bald. Tim comes in to check on progress and starts with Kenley. She is making an Alice in Wonderland bubble dress and hasn’t started the top. Tim calls it ambitious and says that it’s a wedding he would want to go to. Aw. There’s a lot of tip toeing going on around Kenley tonight. Tim mentally pats her head every time he’s in the same room with her and gives her sugar cubes.

Hobo, who is begging not to be taken seriously in his two tshirts sewn together plus clip on tie as a necklace ensemble. He will only dress like a semi human normal human being when he’s at his mom’s house. She needs to get her butt here and police his fashion. He’s not doing himself any favors. In two weeks it will be job hunting time.

Next!

Hobo has made his dress out of crumpled up tinfoil that still smells like a Wendy’s Single with cheese and he’s made his belt out of brown butcher paper with fake flowers hot glued to it. Tim tells him it looks sloppy, so Hobo pulls out some yarn. LOL. Hopeless. this one. I love it. Tim doesn’t do any yelling, but he looks like he wants to run out of the room screaming.

There might be some coffee grounds somewhere you can sprinkle on it.

Tim tells Hobo that it’s not wise to make Mother Nature mad, and Hobo snaps “or Nina Garcia!” Huh? I want to know what the hell Hobo’s talking about just once before the season’s done.

Tim makes his way over to Squirc and notices that she’s dumped her wedding dress and cone with a completely different design. He says that the old one didn’t sing, but this one does. Yeah, it’s singing “Why God?” from Miss Saigon.

Knocked up girls need wedding dresses too.

More shapes like stickers being pulled off..

What bridesmaid doesn’t want to look like an air vent?

Tim seems to like what Squirc is doing, and I am a bit dumbfounded. I get having a gimmick,but who would wear any of that crap? On a windy day you could cut yourself or walk blindly into the middle of the road. Her line looks like a recital at origami school. Tim doesn’t like that CutToe used the exact same colors for her wedding and bridesmaid dresses, saying that they look like they’re in competition with each other. And? What bridesmaid isn’t secretly rooting against the bride? Yes, I have been a bridesmaid. Don’t ask.

On his way out, Tim gives a little speech about how much he loves them all and wants them all to move forward. And then he cries!!! WTF? It’s official. This season has broken our Gunn. You bastards!

If I don’t make it to the finale, it’s because Veronica Webb killed me. Waaaahhhh!!!

Then, you’re not gonna believe it! Everyone cries!! As Hobo puts on his bathrobe with the sleeves cut off and fringe balls glue gunned to the edges, he tells us how hard he’s worked. Every designer has said that at least three times today and it’s seriously old. Never did sucking look so hard.

These sleeves weren’t just cut off, people. They were ripped off. With a lot of hard hard work, k?

CutToe gets to the workroom and talks to her bridesmaid dress like it’s a sad dog. Aw! And what bridesmaid isn’t? Tim brings the models in and Kenley realizes that CutToe and Squirc changed their bridesmaids dresses into short dresses which pisses her off because as of yesterday hers was the only one. Don’t worry, Ken, no one else’s model will look ten. Squirc doesn’t approve of Cut’s wedding dress. It’s just not original if you haven’t glued construction paper cut into new shapes all over everything. CutToe starts crying and telling us that she’s worked so hard to get here (!!) but doesn’t want to see anyone go home. That’s sweet. Don’t suck.

On the runway, Fat Bitch comes out and stumbles over the same lines she says every week. Kors looks like a golden gargoyle at Trump Tower, Nina is smiling (I’m not comfortable with that), and there’s no guest judge to make fun of. Boooo! Can we just pretend Harv’s Trophy’s here again?

Hobo’s wedding dress is out first. It looks no better than it did the last time we saw it. The model looks like a slutty bride that’s trying to hike up her dress to get some before she says I do, and she’s wearing a giant fake flower pot on her head. Hobo probably stole that from the front of the hotel. Nina’s smile has evaporated. Nice work, Hobo! The bridesmaid’s dress has been constructed out of crumpled up Wrigley’s wrappers and has creases and dimples all over it. This model has fake flowers all over the place too, but hers are coming out of her pits. I was hoping that with a little time, Hobo would, I don’t know, learn to sew. Hope’s for suckers. I will say, however, that I am from Texas and know a lot of brides who could have used the sewn in dress hike.

Hobo is so in awe of his own work that he has a mini gasm as he watches.

Kenley’s Ugly Duckling carcass wedding dress is out next, and it looks like a beautiful Swan lake costume. The headpiece, though, is downright frightening. She’s gotten away from gluing feathers to a paper plate and moved on to just cutting off an entire goose wing and pinning it to her sack of bones. This dress is irresponsible and dangerous. If there had been any hunters here that poor model would be dead.

As her work walks, Kenley talks about how blown away she is by herself. LOL. She says she’s gonna make that exact same wedding dress for herself after the accident that causes her to lose her voice box and gain a husband. The bridesmaid’s dress is sexy, simple and cute. If the judges take personality out of the equation this week, she won’t be going back to the middle of the ocean to tug in a trash barge with daddy.

CutToe’s wedding dress looks like a big down comforter wrapped around a skinny girl. It actually makes her look fat, which I appreciate. I thought this one was gonna be gorgeous, but it doesn’t fit at all. The back is uneven but it doesn’t look like it’s on purpose. The bridesmaid looks much cuter, even though the dress is worn by the always depressed model. It’s short, simple and sweet. The Old Navy belt has to go, and I don’t know that khaki is really the way to go for a wedding. Unless you’re a boy scout leader. Or a UPS worker. I love the giant silver balls around Cut’s neck though. She looks like she’s about to be walked down the plank of the tugboat and drowned. Don’t f with Kenley.

Next up is Squircangle’s model, who looks like she has been impregnated with a Hershey’s Squirc.

Oh, Bristol. Too little too late, hon.

Cloth jelly fish? Vacuum bag? I don’t know, but that shit’s fug. The bridesmaid’s dress is short and plain, but for the goddamn shapes on the front, like she spilled wine on herself and covered up with one of the fancy folded napkins from a reception table. Ridonk. Squirc is in awe of herself. I am in awe too, Squirc. I am in awe too. Shock and awe. And we know where that led.

All in all, a hellofa lot better than last week, but how many pieces still don’t fit at all? I haven’t been a fan of Kenley’s bs fifties crap at all this season, but she took this one, in my humble (lolz) opinion. The judges start with Squirc, and Kors says it’s chic and gorgeous and he could tell the second he saw the model that it was made by Squirc. No kidding. Who else would have the balls and or insanity to send twenty pounds of sheets down the runway? Tia must be exhausted. Nina loves it too and also loves the bridesmaid dress with the folded napkin in front.

Heidi calls it fantastic. Well done, Squirc! I don’t get it, and I never will, but yay you. You’re a sweet girl and I can’t really hate you for being balls out unstable. Kors likes Hobo’s wedding dress bottom, but hates the top and says that the model has a flower pot on her head. LOL you owe me a coke, Kors! Heidi says that the bridesmaids dress is Mumsy and Nina thinks the wedding dress looks dirty and she doesn’t think Hobo put any effort into it. Ouch. He insists that he’s been slaving away over his line and they will be pleased. Can you imagine if slaves really spent all their time on fashion? He would have been like oh hell no Miss Scarlett we don’t need no curtains. I got some newspapers and wine corks up in heah.

Kors thinks Kenley’s wedding dress is a rip off of Alex McQueen. She starts to argue and Nina shuts her up and calls the dress a dead ringer. I looked up this dress and think I found the right one. It’s not a dead ringer, if this is the right dress. The only thing they have in common is the hunter taunt thing they have going on.

Kenley insists that there is no silhouette out there like hers, so I kept googling.

OK, I’m starting to get the point.

Kors insists that it’s a rip off, but he loves it anyway and gives her props for putting her own spin on it and he wants her to remember his reasoning when she sees his line walk. He really loves the bridesmaids dress, calling it the cutest thing ever. Heidi says that she could see Kenley actually wearing it. It sounds like a backhanded compliment, but then she adds that it’s crazy good. Kenley cheers and jumps up and down and acts like an idiot, making America and the other designers hate her that much more.

Heidi doesn’t like CutToe’s wedding dress and says that she wouldn’t want to be the bride. LOL. She thinks it’s way too overdone. Kors thinks it’s way overworked and the bridesmaids dress is underworked. Nina says they don’t look like they go together. When they ask why she should go to the finale, she cries and says she has a different point of view “and I just really want this chance to show you!” All she needed to finish that off was a firm stomp on the floor and a promise to do all her chores. Nina looks extremely sympathetic.

Only a warrior would wear a kidney stone as a ring. Don’t make her cut you.

In alone time, Kors and Nina give Squirc credit for making beautiful work with crap all over it. Kors calls Kenley kooky and meticulous and says her wedding dress is a dream, even if she’s generally a nightmare. CutToe was overkill and she bombed on the bridesmaid dress. Kors calls Hobo overwrought and Nina says he only knows how to embellish. They bring the designers back out. Squirc and Kenley are both safe, but neither is declared the winner of the challenge. Hobo better get the boot or I’m gonna freak out. He’s OUT!!! Sweet!! That will save Bravo from my one person email campaign.

I think it was fair today, what do you guys think? I am sad for Hobo because he’s sweet and nice and everything, but I am still completely floored that he made it this far. Now he has to hail a cab in that bathrobe. Poor thing. In his exit interview, he says that he does opulent. LOL, when exactly did you do opulent? He adds that if you want a simple white t you can buy it from Michael Kors. Oh snap, sour grapes! And when you have had that white t for years and added stains to it and left it by the curb all misshapen and forgotten, he will pick it up, rip it down the center, glue gun some corduroy to the seams and wear that shit. He says that he sees himself at eighty years old giving a symposium on his life at the Met. I see him at eighty years old giving a symposium on his life in front of the Met. I hope I am evolved enough by then to at least give him some change. But most likely I won’t be.

Here’s a Tootsie Roll wrapper, buddy. Go hog wild.