Project Runway: Dolls Don’t Dress Themselves For a Reason

Tonight on Project Runway, we get some insight into the minds of models.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I never noticed Gordana Beaverhausen in the opening credits before. This shot makes me think of a German chick I used to know who described the term “thick” to me. “Is it like, fat?” “No, eet ees theeck. Lige beeg bone.” I scrunched my face to her and explained that in America, big boned means fat. “So, like me?” “No. You ah fatz. Beeg bone ees deeferent.” I avoided that bitch for months after that conversation, but now I totally see what she meant.

Forget skinny. My new goal is thick. Have you ever seen hotter knees in your life?

The boys sit around talking trash, and Feather Duster says that it’s time for the lame ass hacks to be weeded out. Man I hope he gets kicked off next. For his exit video alone. You know he’s gonna go apeshit. I will bet you a Coke that he does some lines from “What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?” and furiously waves a hanger in the air wearing a Bette Midler t-shirt as he goes. Ah, dreams.

Over in the girls’ place, Qristyl is complaining that after last week she will be known as the “b-y-t-ch” and Gordana calmly tells her that she needs to stand up for herself better next time. Why am I in love with Gordana Lederhosen? Dunno. But I am. Time to get to the work room! Meth takes one last chance to spray as many foreign chemicals into the air as possible and breathe deep before he leaves the house.

A snack for the trip on the wagon.

Fat Bitch Heidi meets them at the runway and tells them that they have women waiting for them in the workroom and the only thing they have to do is make them happy. Feather Duster guesses that they might be homeless women or Eskimos. LOL. Please let them be homeless women. As he says this, of course, he flips his hair a million times in that Katherine Hepburn shake he’s making famous again.

The rational fear about the mystery clue is that the clients will be brides, but they turn out to be way more irrational and underfed. The models. Way to tie in the two shows, Harvey! I figured they would do a tie in at some point, but I had hoped that the models would have to be turned into outfits or something.

Put on the lotion!

Tim says that the models have a very very important event to go to and their outfits could make or break their future. Then again, so could a Snickers Bar so I don’t know how much drama this is going to produce. Meth isn’t scared of this challenge, cuz all he has to do is think like a hungry black girl. Then he actually takes a long moment to think about that.

Crack is wack, Diaaaane!

Epperson’s model wants simple but little girl but not little girl but sexy but not sexy. A not sexy not little girl. Epperson does his best to nod and draw instead of standing over her shoulder and intensely looping “NO. NO. NO. NO” over and over again like he did last week with Qristyl. Qristyl’s model doesn’t say the word “simple” once. Fuck that! She wants to look better than everyone else. And she wants to buy a vowel.

Irina’s model doesn’t know what she wants, or where she is, or the recipe for eggs. Dumdum! Irina asks if she wants to show off her back and a lightbulb goes off behind the girl’s eyes. “YES! I looove my back!” LOL. Then she goes back to looking completely dumbfounded.

Is it time for me to walk now?

Kenley Bangs is working with Fat Ma, the only model’s name I can remember, cuz how can you not? It sounds offensive every time I hear it. Bangs doesn’t like Fat Ma’s choice of red cuz it’s “too garish for a model event.” So instead she wants to do black and gold. LOL cuz gold? Not garish. At least everyone’s not doing silver. I was worried this was gonna look like another Reynolds Wrap commercial. Elvis is stuck with a girl who wants a royal blue satin jumpsuit. HAHAHAH. She tries to talk her out of it, which is shameful. If anyone should be able to understand the satin jumpsuit, it’s Elvis. The dead one, but still. Live up to your name!

Or shave. Your choice.

Straight Guy’s model wants to show that she isn’t into commercial work. She wants something edgy. By that she means a fifties housewife dress. But made out of leather. LOL can the models be clients every week? Cuz this is kinda amazing.

Over at Mood, Epperson insists that he can only find one orange fabric. Tim tells him that he will have to make it work and not to worry cuz he can only address the client’s needs as much as he can. HUH? Who is this man? The Tim I know would never basically tell a designer to disregard a client. Especially by choosing BROWN to replace bright orange. ARGH. Epperson’s such a dick. Now let’s count all the orange around Mood. LIAR!

Why am I so worked up about Epperson? I’m feeling protective of Qristyl but I also understand that’s irrational. If I was Qristyl’s partner I would probably have stood over her shoulder and no-ed a lot too. Back at the workroom, people talk about how much it sucks that so many people have gone home already. For them. What are y’all complaining about? Stop yammering and start making things that don’t suck. Or cry. Or throw things. Up your drama level or stay quiet and wait for Qristyl and Epperson to run into each other at the snack machine. Do something.

Tim comes around to check on progress. Althea giggles a lot. Minnesota, not two minutes ago, was bragging about how much faster he is than the other “struggling” designers, so it’s awesome to see that he’s making a gown for the “Rainbow Connection” finale of Muppets on Ice.

Struggle more.

Tim gives the dress a dirty look and calls the color “…BOLD.” Minnesota laughs and says he knew Tim would think it looks like a salad. Then he keeps laughing as goofy he-doesn’t-know-wtf-he’s-doing music plays in the background. Tim’s loving the top half of Epperson’s not orange dress, but we don’t get to see much of the bottom. Qristyl’s also using a lot of brown, but Tim thinks her dress form looks like it was rolling around in bed. As he walks away, Qristyl thinks of twenty different ways to cut his ass.

I wish you had arms so you could hold me back, girl.

Straight Guy tells Tim he’s worried his dress looks like it’s for a Smurf, and Tim tells him not to say that word again or no one will get it out of their head. SG tries to cover the blue with some lace, admitting that he hasn’t worked with a lot of lace before. “That doesn’t surprise me.” Tim just stands there all scrunchfaced, trying to think of something to say. He’s already used make it work and caucus, so he opts for “you’re in a conundrum.” Just once I wanna hear Tim say “sister, you’re fucked.”

Tim moves on to Carol Hannah and says that she might be robbing her model of her youth. HAHAH he’s on a roll tonight. She doesn’t know how to take that, but it doesn’t matter cuz he’s already walked away.

Thanks?

After all the dream crushing he just did, Tim stops at the door and tells them he’s excited by all the potential he sees in the room. And you know he’s telling the truth cuz he’s got on his excited face.

He says that the models are coming so have fun with them, but not too much fun!! The boys look confused by that one, but I think he was talking to Kenley Bangs. Epperson works as we get a shot of family pictures spread out all over his work table. Ugh. He gets on what used to be known as “The Sidekick of Doom”. Whenever someone talked on this thing it meant their ass was going home, but the last few episodes of last season they changed it up so now I’m all confused. He can’t go home cuz Tim loved his stuff and there is way worse so far. So why the fuck do we have to watch him sob on a beanbag chair while his kid tries to string a sentence together?

They’re trying to make me use shampoo here. WAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

He goes back to sticking needles in his dress form while he sobs. Oh for chrissakes man. Do you know how many people would kill to get away from their damn families for a couple of months? Stop squandering your time and bang a model. And wash. Your. Hair.

Qristyl took Tim’s advice to heart and scratched her dress completely. Uhoh! I don’t want Qristyl gone until she’s hit someone. I would prefer Epperson, but anyone will do. I have my fingers crossed for her. Epperson bs-es his model about how he tried so hard to make her something bright. He’s even got hastily thrown together examples, which we all know are lies. He tells us that he’s worked with “all sorts of celebrities and other people” and they trust him, so why is he worried about what some model thinks? Well, cuz she could go apeshit on the runway and cry and pull her hair out. Luckily for him, she loves it. Damn.

Meth gets annoyed when his model tries to stop him from cutting her cleavage too low, snapping “honey don’t tell me what to do. I don’t tell you how to m…wait. I do. Never mind.” LOL Meth memory is always fun to watch work. I don’t know what Gordana Helenhausen is up to, and her work is very…detailed.

First wicker vagina in PR history. Congrats!

Meth gets all insecure with his model, saying he can tell she doesn’t like it. She smiles big and says she doesn’t know what he’s talking about, but she never says she likes it. Althea’s model loves what Al has done, but it’s hard to tell what it’s even gonna look like. Elvis’ model doesn’t pretend to be happy, but Elvis assures us that it’s because she’s not done and the model doesn’t get her vision but trusts her anyway. Sound of record scratching to a stop. LOL editors. We don’t get to see the reaction of Minnesota’s model, which is a shame. She’s so in the bathroom crying right now. I almost want to tune in to the models show to find out. Almost.

This reminds me, I haven’t done dishes in over a week and my sink is now growing stuff. Thanks for the remind, MN!

I’m kinda grossed out by the time commercial break comes, but then, suddenly, I’m all better.

You win! Bring on season 7!

Johnny lays in bed and watches Straight Guy’s half nakedness and asks if he’s gonna wear silver shoes too. Yes. To distract Heidi from his hideous dress. HAHAHAH. OK I’m liking Straight Guy right now, even with his shirt on. It’s now only two hours til the runway show, and Althea’s roots have grown two inches overnight. It’s like watching one of those time lapse videos where you get to see a flower grow, bloom and then die in under five seconds.

Qristyl mopes around the workroom and complains about her dress being too plain while Meth walks around trying to get attention with a wacky hat. He’s so needy. It makes me uncomfortable.

Yes, we see you. Now please, fall off the wagon so you can bring something interesting to the table, k?

Models come in for fittings, and Qristyl’s model looks thrilled.

How is this less “rolled around in bed” than the last dress? Anyone?

Irina tells us that no one’s finished yet and she can’t believe it. The only one, in her opinion, that looks like crap is Althea’s three piece suit. Saying it would look better stapled together is cruel of her, but it’s also true. Which means it will probably win. Feather Duster thinks Epperson’s work looks like a rag and Meth’s looks like it just came out of the dryer and was stomped on. Wow. I’m hoping for like five people to get the boot right now. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, but I’m enjoying myself.

Hair and makeup! Ten minutes left! Nothing happens! And why do they keep saying “coming up on Project Runway…!”? Yeah thanks lets just see it in like two minutes k? And while I’m complaining, do I really need to feel guilty about oil spills during a fucking dishwashing liquid commercial?

Help? If I saw this fug bird on my window sill I’d shoot it with a bb gun.

Cascade, on the other hand, doesn’t even try to save animals. MURDERERS!

I don’t remember O’Keefe getting stalked or chased or abused. How is this movie on Lifetime? I just remember vagina flowers.

Time for the runway show! As you may remember, Kors has been off getting his latest round of surgeries for the past couple of weeks and holy shit did they do a number on him.

You don’t look a day over eighty, Korsy!

Leave it up to Kors to force his doctors to turn him into an orange David Bowie. Nina’s out tonight. WTF? NO FAIR! She’s probably somewhere getting her gum skin matched to a normal human’s. Instead, we get some chick named Zoe, who looks like she’s trying to decapitate the designers with eye lasers.

And now for a famous costume designer who looks so nervous she’s gonna pee herself, Jenn. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!? GIVE ME BACK MY SHOW!

Oh God. She said my name. Don’t throw up. Don’t throw up.

Qristyl’s work is up first. It’s simple, it’s black. It’s not hideous, which is a step up, but it’s not interesting. Well, I guess considering what she thinks is interesting, this is also a step up. To normal people, though, LAME.

Feather Duster is up next with a white satin cocktail number plus Cleopatra neck. This girl is so gonna spill on herself the second she walks into that party. Then the judges will call it brilliant. But now? Meh.

Irina’s dress is pretty hot. It looks like something Angelina wore in The Changeling. So costume designer will love it.

Gordana Elbowhausen did a skin toned, body clinging dress with a woven detail up the front. It looks pretty hot, but it would look better if her model would buy a back brace. Someone get this girl a glass of milk before her knuckles start scraping the ground.

Elvis stuck with the royal blue, but apparently refused to do the jumpsuit, which was wise. Her model looks pissed. The dress is simple, but pretty. A little too feminine for that model though, who will be waiting for Elvis in the parking lot.

Straight Guy’s goth fifties housewife dress is as fug as expected, but it helps that it totally looks like the model’s style. You don’t want to sit next to this one on the bus. She could either babble about a fabulous party she’s on her way to or stick you with a swiss army knife and take your money.

The only model I feel terrible for so far is Minnesota’s. She’s gonna look like a damn fool at that party. Someone’s gonna throw some bleu cheese on her ass and she’ll deserve it.

Sad horns.

Epperson’s model looks like she’s being restrained.

The cut, fit, and basic execution of Meth’s dress is plain bad. It isn’t flattering on the model. The only work this girl’s gonna get is for The Forgotten Woman. She looks fa…thick. She looks thick.

Althea’s model looks like a hooker on her way to her first real job interview. Congrats! You’re perfect for the receptionist job at Flynt Enterprises, but you might wanna change before your important party thingy.

Kenley Bang’s model, Fat Ma, looks like she’s about to be decapitated at a funeral for not being able to conceive for the King. I think we’ve now seen this clown chic collar about five thousand times on this show. And I have yet to see one in real life. Who wants to raise suspicion that they’re hiding goiters? Fat Ma will, however, get attention at that party. Everyone’s gonna stare at her and wait for her to start juggling morosely or some shit.

Ramona has made a deep blue shiny dress with a giant, and I mean GIANT, Sex and the City flower on the front. How…current? He could be going for a minimizing effect. If the event is the audition for the Incredible Shrinking Woman remake, this girl’s totes gonna shine. She can pull out a giant cell phone and sit on a giant chair and drink a giant cosmo.

I’m so in love with Mister Giant Big.

Zoe smiles, but I can’t tell if she likes it or she’s trying not to LOL.

Carol Hannah fixed her dress so it’s less old lady and more just normal fug. Her model would have given her more direction, but poor thing can’t see.

Kenley Bangs, Irina, Minnesota, Feather Duster, Gordana, Elvis and R’amona are safe, leaving the remaining six on the runway. Carol Hannah loves her model and tried to infuse her style into her personality. Kors loves it, Zoe thinks it’s cool. Heidi’s only problem is that Carol Hannah said “y’all”. Oh her accent is annoying? You watch this show, right?

Straight Guy’s model loves her scary girl on the bus dress, but Zoe reads her notes. “No. Cheap. Tacky. Prom.” She hated it so much that her under eyes inflate and try to shield her from seeing it.

None of the judges like it. Straight Guy says that it’s not really his style and he was gonna change it but didn’t think that would be ok. Jenn says he’s cute and she likes his silver pants and black sneakers. Score! He saw what was coming and he thought ahead. He’s in. And if Jenn was nervous before, she’s sure as hell not anymore. I like her blatant sexual harassment. It’s refreshing.

Epperson’s model tells Heidi that she asked for something romantic, punk, and animal inspired. Heidi asks her if there’s a kitty inside her, but she asks in that “if you answer yes I’ll totally be disturbed” kinda way. The answer is yes. Heidi looks at a total loss for words, and that doesn’t often happen.

Cane I keek dem bose outz?

Kors loves it and sees the effort it took. Then he pulls out a crystal ball and starts magically moving it all over the place. Heidi has decided that she loves the dress, but isn’t so into the saggy boob look. She admits, though, that she might just have been working for Victoria’s Secret for too long. HAHAHAH.

Jenn digs his uniqueness and concept. I like Jenn. But like turns to love when it’s Meth’s turn. She reads from her card “the purse is the most interesting thing about this outfit.” The purse that came off the GLAD wall. Model says she chose the purple, but Jenn doesn’t care. It’s cute but the world doesn’t need more of that dress. LOL. Heidi says she looks like a bridesmaid and everyone gasps. I love this show. Zoe says he committed the greatest crime in fashion. He made something wearable. HAHAHAH finally someone fucking says that out loud. I think I like these judges. Meth appreciates their critiques. Silence. Cuz when he’s moving forward, he can use it. Moving forward? Who said you’re moving forward? And get your damn sunglasses off your head, cheese.

Heidi accuses Qristyl of aging her model ten or fifteen years, “which for da model world, ees dog years.” Yes Heidi. The model looks seventy years older in that skintight mini dress. Jenn doesn’t like the safeness of it, but the model loves it. Jenn snaps “that’s why she’s not a designer.” Model smiles and agrees, and Jenn says “thank God.” LOLOLOLLLLLL. And I was worried about the missing judges. Way to prove me wrong, Harv.

And then a hero comes along,

With the strength to carry ooooon,

And you cast your fears aside

And you know you can survive!

Heidi tells Althea’s model that she was the best walker of the night. Clip of the model walking so hard that her boobs actually swing in full circles. Jenn wants the outfit. So does Zoe. Huh? I don’t get it, but that’s nothing new. They’re blinded by the model’s amazing boob swing.

The judges have some alone time and Heidi says that Qristyl’s model looked like the waitress at the party. Zoe knows that Straight Guy’s model gave him a lot of the ideas, but thinks he should have been able to turn them into something fabulous. Jenn tries to stick up for him.

Meth is too accessible. Nancy Reagan would second that. Everyone raves about Althea, Epperson and Carol Hannah’s work, but they mostly just repeat the same stuff so I’ll save some words. Zoe agrees with Heidi’s problem with the saggy Epperson boobs, and Heidi says “I’m just obsessed about boobs.” Zoe thinks it was a new bra situation, and Kors says it belongs on a no boob model. Then everyone laughs about Heidi’s giant commune feeding boobage.

What’s the point of being on Weight Watchers if you can’t make fun of the people who are fatter than you at the meetings? Pass.

Althea wins!! With that fug ass ho suit. Whatevs, she’s cute and giggly and I’m interested in watching her time lapse roots, so fine. Carol Hannah and Epperson are in, and so is Meth. Bye, Qristyl! Sure enough, Straight Guy is in. And rightly so. He was at least interesting, and he works out. I liked Qristyl’s personality, and I hoped she would go further, just to see Epperson get his ass beat. Ah, well. Maybe Feather Duster will pull out his claws soon. Who cares? JUST HIRE JENN. HIRE HER NOW.