Project Runway: Preposterous Spewing

This week on Project Runway, the LA Times finally proves itself useful.

If an adjective’s under four syllables, he’s not using it tonight.

For someone who works on the internet, I am technically inept. Sometimes I get really wide video and I don’t know why. I like when it happens though, especially for this show, because it makes me feel a little bit better about myself for a few hours.

Fat Whore

Last week, poor Qristyl was sent back to her husband Divyd and her kids Guleyi and Kyriasdgn. Wah. Lata, sucka! We open this episode with poor Elvis thinking that parting her bangs to the sides will hide her sideburns.

Nope. Razor.

Carol Hannah tells us that the herd has been thinned and the strongest are left standing. I don’t know about that. There were about ten outfits last week that could have sent one of these hacks home, including the winning one. But it’s fun to watch people swim in their own sea of delusion. Well speak of the meth devil!

Put your legs down. This isn’t the alley behind IHOP. You want meth here you have to pay with cash.

Meth tells us how he’s never gonna be in the bottom three again. He might be right. They might do to him what they did to that chick on Design Star this season and just kick his off before judging even begins for being too annoying to live. Meth says that being in the bottom three gave him the emptiest feeling he’s ever felt. That’s disappointing. I would hope that someone as prone to breakdowns and snorting as he is would have something a little deeper to share on national television. You know there’s a good being used by multiple truckers in a rest stop for a cigarette story in there somewhere.

Althea smiles sweetly and tells us that she just wants to prove that she’s not just a one hit wonder, and she’s followed by bitter ass Irina who tells us that she’s shocked that Althea’s fug office slut outfit won and she won’t congratulate her cuz it wasn’t earned. She’s right, but I can’t remember a thing Irina’s ever made, so she should probably concentrate less on jealousy and more on not sucking. Meanwhile, Minnesota’s practicing his plan B in case he gets the boot tonight.

Turn your hat around and breathe out of your nose.

Feather Duster thinks that Meth obviously doesn’t deserve to be there and neither does Irina. Feather never really has anything to say that isn’t cunty, and waiting to see his reaction to getting kicked off is more of a nail biter than finding out what was in the hatch on Lost. But with less abs and heterosexuality. I imagine it will go something like this:

Heidi comes out in sailor pants and horizontal stripes. Even Straight Guy gives her a snotty up and down.

Down with mimes!

Tim is going to take them on another field trip, and her hint contains the words “black and white.” Way to spell it out, Fatty. R’amona gasps loudly, because he’s lacking in camera time. Heidi makes fun of him and is off. What was the point of this segment? Just bring on the challenge. You wasted a perfectly good pair of sailor pants for this.

They meet Tim, who takes them to the Los Angeles Times. We get to see the printing press, but it’s going slow cuz they’re only selling like five papers a day. Finally, we meet a woman unfortunately named Booth. She’s in an unfortunate suit from Ross with an unfortunate flower print shirt and an unfortunate tired soccer mom haircut. It’s only natural that she’s the Fahion Editor of the Los Angeles Times. That’s about as sensical as that skinny Choi bitch hosting a food show, but whatevs. I’ll roll with it because maybe it means one day my chunky pasty ass can be the Speedo editor.

In related news, the editor of the Real Estate section lives in a cardboard box outside Fresh and Easy.

Tim tells the designers that fashion comes from the news all the time, so it’s only natural that they make fashion out of newspapers!! Sorry Real Estate Guy! We’ll be using your bed for this one. Yay creative challenge! Irina gets bitchy cuz everyone’s taking so much paper and says they’re not dressing an elephant. That’s the next twist, dumdum. Make paper clothes for really fat chicks.

They get back to the workroom and Tim gives them dyes and markers to use, along with muslin that can be used but not shown. Then Tim gives us a history of paper clothes. In the 60′s paper dresses were all the rage. Drugs. Meth is so winning this shit. Man I wish I could judge this episode, if only to throw burning matches on the runway and giggle and hide behind Kors as models run in circles filling the room up with malnourished smoke. Where was I? If ever there was a section of the paper that screamed for Althea to work with it, it’s this one.

Minnesota shows us his sketch, and I predict the only part that will look anything like this is the skeleton underneath.

Althea doesn’t know wtf she’s gonna make, but whatever it is? Won’t be thinning.

Booth inspired this look.

Feather Duster has no idea where to even begin, and he thinks he will be going home tomorrow. This is the first self doubt that he’s ever shown, and it’s very flattering on him. Oh wait. Hands in the grease jar.

Flattery over.

Gordana Beaverhausen doesn’t talk much. You know why? Cuz this one works.

Wow. That’s a lot of….detail.

Elvis is making a tribute to the squircangle skirt and she’s not doing it quietly. Montage of Elvis blabbing on in her squeaky voice while the other designers give her the death stare. Hilarious. Feather Duster says they’re the same age but she’s so little and squeaky and loud that she makes him feel like a forty year old. He’s kinda looking like one right now, too.

You need less Elvis or more moisturizer.

Meth tells us how impressed he is with his “origami” dress. Then we see what he’s talking about. Meth’s out. And he’s gonna get his ass kicked by a gang of Japanese folder papers on his way out.

Maybe he meant orit’ssalami?

Feather Duster takes time out of his busy day to tell us how hideous he thinks Meth’s dress is (a wrinkled piece of paper with pig’s blood on it), and he’s right, but hulleow, you might wanna do something, there, buddy.

That triangle you’ve made is totally gonna beat him.

Man running away from you not included.

Sunday night find out what the hell is happening to Fatty Patty.

Gluttony is a sin.

Only six hours left in the day, and progress is minimal. R’amona’s got nothin, but he tells us that he’s inspired by “cubism and origami”. OK that’s a fan. Anyone actually know what origami is?

Tim comes in to check on progress and starts with Gordana Beaverhausen. She wants to make a statemend aboud vass iss goink on een da worlt today. I can assume this was shot around election time.

Time to change….clothes.

Goofy clown music plays as she shows Tim her political statement, and he scrunches his face and tells her to drop the politics and just keep working on the piece that doesn’t suck.

When he finds out that there’s no muslin or anything, just paper, he says “I love you.” Has he ever said that? Tim is downright randy this season. He’s disappointed with the nothing that Althea has so far, and suggests that she look at the paper upside down. Totally how the LA Times should be read. Bitchy Irina doesn’t have much going on either, which serves her right. Meth shows Tim his Carrie prom dress. It sucks, but it inspires Tim’s best line of the season, so I’m grateful.

I’m woeful.

He adds that it looks like a craft project gone awry and a bunch of kindergarteners did it. HAHAHA. Three slams in one sentence. This man needs his own show. Oh wait he had one and it blew. Maybe more of CSI type show then.

Three bullets from a Glock. That’s some creative temerity don’t bore Nina.

Oh wait he’s not done with Meth. Meth says the birds are supposed to hold up the dress, and Tim says it looks like they’re attacking it. LOL. Feather Duster throws his head back and laughs pastily.

Evil laughter has never been so pale.

Meth takes Tim’s advice to heart and crumples the dress up and tosses it in the trash. Well, he tries to but misses. Were you actually expecting him to make it? He only knows how to score one way, and it’s not in sports. Feather Duster is coming along, surprisingly. His outfit looks like something Jennifer Lopez wore in The Cell. I don’t know if that’s good or bad yet, but that movie was harder to sit through than a Feather Duster segment.

Someone hang his ass up with some hooks and let’s get this party started.

Minnesota doesn’t have much done, but Tim is loving his feather idea and thinks he could have a showstopper on his hands. I wait for MN to start crying and talking about his dreams, but he thankfully doesn’t. Instead, he spreads out on his giant dress and starts affixing what look like leaf cutouts. If this doesn’t work out, at least MN will have a coaster to use so he doesn’t leak open wound all over the coffee table.

When Tim leaves, Meth starts over. He’s not happy with the results so far, but it’s a darnofalot better than what he started with. It’s perfect for a cocktail (napkin) party.

Models come in for fittings and one of the models says “newspaper! I can work with that.” So glad you approve. Please don’t speak. Elvis has ripped off both Squircangle and the Cat Lady’s umbrella rack dress from Fashion Show. Two kinds of unoriginal. Impressive.

No one is looking polished and ready yet, but instead of doing his best to get on top of it, Meth takes a seat and starts blubbering about how he ironed his dress and the iron started spewing out water and ruined it! No one’s buying that and both Feather and Elvis tell us that he’s lying. Second breakdown of the season on deck, please! With only two hours to go, he decides to give up and do a crossword puzzle. Good lord just go home already. This show hasn’t even started to be a competition yet because there are so many suck ass people. And does anyone believe for a second that Meth knows enough words to fill out a crossword puzzle?

I almost figured out the answers to this, but the iron leaked on them so now I can’t finish.

That night, back at the apartment, Meth keeps on with his iron lie and still no one buys it. In the other room, the designers laugh at him. Pooooooor Meth! Well I’m assuming he’s poor. Otherwise he’d have a coke habit.

Like Liza!

The next morning, all the designers are still atwitter about how much Meth blows. Epperson, because he’s all spiritually sound, says “he’s still here for a reason.” Then Feather Duster makes me kinda like him by snapping back “yes. For comic relief.” LOL. Epperson doesn’t let this nastiness infect his chi. Puhleeze. Can we get another shot of him sobbing into a Sidekick on the beanbag chair?

Meth knows that everyone’s making fun of him, but he doesn’t care. Today he’s wearing his big boy pants. As high as they will go.

Good Lord man. What are they feeding you?

Tim comes in to the workroom to give them models for more fittings and tells the designers he looks around the room and sees that a bunch of them are stalling. Which is his way of saying “stop acting like a bunch of pussies and finish something. You’re on TV.”

Meth’s model strokes his ego, Carol Hannah tries to get her dress off the form, and Althea gossips with R’amona about how blah Irina’s dress is. This is always the most boring segment, so let’s ff through hair and makeup, shall we? Seeing the models before they’re ready, I often wonder how the hell they became models in the first place. And then I’m reminded of the power of stucco.

This girl looks like house in Arizona.

MN’s model tries to get into his dress and he says “it’s like giving birth!” Ha. She laughs and then laughs and then laughs and laughs and then laughs and laughs. Jesus take the camera off her before she has a conniption fit. Not much is happening, so Meth and Feather Duster talk shit about each other. Meth says that Feather’s dress looks more stump rock than punk rock. Uh….please don’t let him talk to the camera any more. Stump rock? That’s just offensive. People missing limbs watch this show too, Meth. Quiet down, you two. You’re both equally untalented.

Time for the runway show! Fatty Arbuckle comes on the runway looking like schnitzel the waiter wrapped up for Seal to take home.

She introduces the judges. Hilfiger in da house!! Ever wanted to thank the guy that invented the baggy jeans that have shown us every variety of ass crack known to man? Well do it anyway!

Thank you, Tommy.

Zoe’s back this week, and the guest judge is Eva Longoria! I like Eva a lot because A. Me loves me some Desperate Housewives, no matter how much it increases the suckage season to season and B. I saw her at a coffee shop one time and her hair was ratty and she was chillin with a chubby girl and had no problem looking like total dogshit. LOVE.

Just please don’t act.

Straight Guy’s name is Logan. Did you guys know that? Weird. He should be called Straight Guy at all times. Anyway, his work is out first. In any other challenge this would be kinda fug, but it’s cool cuz it’s made out of newspaper and you can’t tell.

Feather Duster is next, and his does look like newspaper. I don’t see the punk in this, but I do see the stripes. He’s managed to make his model look fatter and taller at the same time. Well done! He sure talks big for someone who sends crap down the runway every single week.

MN is next. His paper mached top is pretty, but his dress just looks like leaf cutouts glued to muslin. Meh. It looks like an ode to feather duster. A real one.

You’re not going to the ball until you’ve dusted the living room, young lady.

He loves his work. Can you tell?

R’amona is next, and before we see the model we just hear him say “it looks. Uh-mazing.” So I’m surprised when we get this. It looks like newspaper, and the colors are all over the place. I think it’s hideous, so it will probably win.

When she’s done being made fun of, she can take of her fug outfit and use it to pick up dog poop. Don’t let a bad thing go to waste!

Epperson didn’t try to make the newspaper look like anything but newspaper, but his work is gorge in a home ec kinda way. It’s a really nicely flowing kimono type thing. The diaper bag kinda kills it, though.

Meth is next, and he’s built in a cocktail napkin bib for his long suffering model. Boring and tasteless. He says his first dress was better. LOL. No one’s ever blamed Tim on the runway before, so hopefully Meth will lighten his DISAPPOINTMENT status and give us a PR first.

You’ve got something on your mouth. There. Gone. Sheryl Crow of the napkin sleeves would love this dress.

Gordana Beaverhausen’s dress looked a lot better on the dress form. It’s stiff, boring, and it looks like a hint at what the model’s body would look like if she was hooked up to an IV with calories being pumped into her for about a week.

Carol Hanna’s dress kind of resembles an overly decorated Christmas tree, but it’s really pretty.

Elvis is next, and all I see is a giant umbrella rack RIP OFF! Was this shot before or after Fashion Show? Cuz accidents this hideous don’t generally happen twice.

Iriana’s trench coat is pretty simple, but I like the detailing on the collar and sleeves. Still, she’s nowhere near good enough as she needs to be to be such a bitch.

Althea’s model looks like one of those sad ladies who picks balls out of the bowl in Vegas Bingo with paper money glued all over her. She’s even built in a pooch crease! The detailing is pretty awesome up close, but from far away it’s pretty hidy.

B 2! And you win a brand new caaaaar!

Love what Kenley Bangs did the most so far. Who knew rolls of pennies could make such a hot collar?

Kenley Bangs or Carol Hannah for the win! Meth, Feather Duster, MN, Althea, Gordana Beaverhausen and Irina are kept on the runway. Boo! Both Kenley Bangs and Carol Hannah are out? BULLSHIT!! It’s really hard to tell who’s the top and who’s the bottom on this one. Eva says that she loves Althea’s you just won a car dress cuz she likes to show off her bum. Zoe gives her props on the detailing.

Zoe loves Godana Beaverhausen’s work, but Heidi thinks it’s boring. Beaverhausen says “I taught we wass suppose to make someting wearble out of da unwearble fabric so eet ees my mizdake!” Sorry, but the me no speaky Engly excuse isn’t gonna work on the kraut. Eva thinks Gordana Beaverhausen would have been ok if everyone else wasn’t so amazing. That’s the sweetest “you boned it” I’ve heard.

Eva was blown away by the trench coat, and Hifiger starts name dropping celebrities. He doesn’t like that he can see scotch tape, but otherwise she’s golden. He adds that it’s a new alternative to fur. As crazy as the green movement is getting, I wouldn’t be surprised. Then in a decade PETA would start spray painting people in paper clothes cuz they’re killing trees.

Fatty Matty says that Meth looks like he spent no time on his dress. He whips out his iron excuse and then says he’s not making excuses. Heidi thinks his model looks like a hooker. Homeless hooker with a stick of glue. Eva no likey the napkin. Zoe liked the pop art element of it. Meth starts babbling about how his last dress was so cool and it was very Dior. Feather laughs out loud and makes fug pasty faces until Heidi asks him what’s up. He says that the dress was as far from Dior as you can get and Tim said it looked like birds attacking. LOLOLOLLLL. Meth calls him a jerk. Yes, yes he is. Long live Feather Duster.

Woops probably not, though. He tells the judges he was going for punk and Hilfiger is like uh no. Zoe says his dress looks like an insect.

Did I already mention what Tim said about Meth?

Zoe continues, saying it’s very New York. Like cockroaches. HAHAHA ok never bring Nina back, k? Minnesota is next, and says that he wanted to make a showstopper. Heidi loves the flowiness, and Zoe loves the armor top. Eva loves, Hilfiger loves. Hm. So Feather Duster’s out? No! I’m just starting to like him! Well, maybe not like, but I’m not gagging every time he comes on screen.

In alone time, the judges repeat the same stuff they’ve already said. Tommy doesn’t believe Meth’s iron story, and Heidi asks how much an iron can spit to make a dress look that bad. Eva snarks that Tommy don’t iron, honey. Ha. They call the designers back out, and Irina wins!! The good thing about this is that her bitch quotient will go up a hundred fold next week. YAY! She starts off by telling us it’s past due. Ah, it’s a lovely thing to watch a villain blossom.

Althea and MN are safe. So is Gordana Beaverhausen. OH SNAP! Feather Duster and Meth in the bottom!! Meth did a crossword puzzle, so he’ll be out. Sure enough, he’s gone!! He should have been kicked off the first time he wore those damn sunglasses on his head inside. He feels lost and empty. Giving up meth was harder than losing Project Runway. But it’s a hellofa lot easier to get back on, so don’t worry!

The second Meth leaves, Tim stays to gossip with everyone. He was incredulous at that utterly preposterous spewing of fiction that Meth did on the Runway. LOL Tim. Most of us would just “that dude’s an asshole”. And how unprofessional is it that Tim’s gossiping with the designers like that? That’s why he needs his podcast back. Tim needs an outlet! Meth cries and tells us that it’s not the end of him as a designer. Just as a sober one.

This might actually work if only the shirt was a little tighter.