Project Runway: Ruffle Boners, Icy Queens, and DietTribes

This week on Project Runway, illegal alien human hybrids across Earth bowed their heads in shame and we found out what gives Gunn boners.

My pants just got tighter in the crotch area.

The morning starts off pretty quiet. R’amona is glad Meth is gone, cuz with one clown out it makes the whole competition seem more serious. To prove it, he wears his serious glasses.

I’ll get to sewing right after I finish my three page algebra equation, k?

There are still plenty of clowns left to go, so R’amona’s theory is kinda shot. The serious level might not go up, but there will definitely be more food left on the krafts services table for everyone else to enjoy with Meth out.

Feather Duster makes some shitty remarks about Meth and then gives us the ole “I’m not here to make friends” routine. Poor Duster probably tells himself that everyday as he eats lunch alone and plays BrickBreaker on his phone. He doesn’t care though, cuz he’s here to get to the finals! You’ll make it to Bryant Park kid! Most likely it will be on movie night though. Be more specific with your goals.

Gordana Beaverhausen is shocked, shocked I tell you, that she was in the bottom three last week. If she can’t win making fabulously constructed mediocre clothing, she’ll pull out the big guns…er, knees.

If day cayn rezist deez, I weel crake dare hayds open wiz my tighs.

Fat Slut Heidi comes out on the runway looking like a tasteful mourner.

Who can blame her for being a little depressed? With Meth gone there is a lower chance of breakdown action, and she’s a producer on this show after all. The challenge today will involve something Los Angeles is famous for!

Porn?

Crack heads?

Idiotic hair cuts?

NO!! It’s a blend of all of those things. Movies! Fat Ho finishes her two sentences and punches out, sending the designers to meet Tim and Collier Strong at a movie studio. Collier has spent a lot of money on his face, but the producers don’t let us see it. He’s shot either from behind of from the side, and it’s damn rude if you ask me.

Ray Liotta skin should be celebrated at least in this challenge, but NOOOOOOO.

The designers will pick movie genres out of the bag, and they will have to create a character from that genre. Tim says genre like a hundred times cuz he really likes pronouncing it in his own special way. “ghjahnraaah”. He should be wearing a top hat for this. Good news! It’s a team challenge! YAAAYYYY! You know Heidi marched into that production meeting and was like “leesten all the craysies are gone so make da gays fight eachuddah to da deaf.”

Wait. No it’s not a team challenge. They just only have so many genres so two people are assigned to each one and will be making their own thing. Lame. There are more genres than this. Anime, Foreign Language, B, Horror, Romance and Documentaries totally get the cold shoulder. Come on! I was looking forward to a giant Michael Moor anti capitalism muumuu with a Big Mac special sauce stain down the front.

Feather Duster begs not to get stuck with western. I wish this was a team challenge so everyone else could beg to not get stuck with Feather Duster. It kinda cracks me up that I saw his t-shirt at Old Navy, cuz I could totally imagine him walking into that store with five inch platforms judging everything and then doing a Pretty Woman montage in front of the mirrors while a tired, annoyed, frightened and underpaid clerk picks all his shit up off the ground and tries to resist the urge to quit.

I’m sorry but I don’t think we have anything here….that suits you.

Gordana Heatherhausen tells us that western would be hard for her too “becuss…..I’m no really American.” LOL you don’t say. Irina won last week so she gets to choose her genre. Film noir. Carol Hannah is quick to snap up action adventure cuz it means she’ll be doing the same thing as Straight Guy and they can flirt about it. “I like action movies.” “Me too.” “Me too.” “You said that already.” “You did too.” Hearts. Smiles. Lip licking. “I’m Straight.” “I KNOW.”

R’amona gets all excited to take sci-fi. He says it’s cuz he’s always been a Star Wars fan, but you know it’s just an excuse to use silver. Kenley Bangs…wait. What happened to Kenley’s Bangs?

Not allowed! Fine. Now I’ll have to call you Teeth.

Kenley Teeth joins Irina with Film Noir. Gordana Juliehausen takes period piece, Feather Duster joins R’amona on science fiction (most likely so he can roll his eyes and flip his split ends around and tell us how much better he is), leaving Minnesota with the choice between western or period piece. He’s against spurs in general, so he joins Vibrahausen on period piece. Elvis gets stuck with western.

Hopefully this will lead to a depression shave.

Back at the workroom, the designers are given descriptions on their genres and told that it’s a one day challenge. Dang! Epperson isn’t happy with western, but he starts sketching anyway. Elvis isn’t so lucky in the idea department and spends her time staring off into space thinking about how she should have been kinder to Priscilla.

Carol Hannah is going for sexy assassin, cuz a giant mermaid would be too predictable. Then she gets all chatty with Straight Guy, who tells us that he’s totally connected with her. Then he winks at her and she giggles and I scrunch my face and reach for a Snickers Brownie ice cream bar and rock back and forth worrying that I will never find a husband. Damn Snickers and Brownies? Who needs a husband?? I’m glad I got a whole box of these.

R’amona tells us he’s a die hard trekkie, but I don’t believe him cuz he pronounces it “tracky”. Putting your mom’s clothes on and affixing cinnamon buns to your head as a child doesn’t make you die hard. It just makes you gay. And obsessed with sweets. Wait. That’s Star Wars. You know what would make Star Trek watchable to me? Carrie Fisher.

Feather Duster says he’s a daydreamer and spends all of his time coming up with original designs we’ve never seen before. Unless you count the feather dress that Sirriano made during his season.

Go back to bed and dream a little harder, hack.

Irina has an interesting tecqunique. Instead of starting with a sketch of a dress, she draws a dream version of herself with a popsicle neck. I’m no shrink, but I think Irina might have neck issues.

Whatever works for ya, babe.

Minnesota describes a period piece as being in another time where an epic drama is going on. I press pause, sit back, and try to remember what epic drama was happening on The Little Rascals, but can’t find one. Whatever. He’s afraid the judges won’t get his interpretation of period. Gimme a break. As long as it’s not the kind Meth was on when he broke down and spilled his dirty laundry over my tv you’ll be fine. Why can’t I let Meth go? Why can’t Meth let meth go? ARGH this is all so confusing.

Let’s go to Mood! Well that was uneventful. Now back at the workroom! Epperson says that he wanted period but he got western. WE KNOW Epperson you’ve said that like fifty fucking times get over it already. He has decided to make a Western Period piece cuz Western is Period. Well that’s true I guess. I mean there is such a thing as modern western, but…. I’m visiting family in Texas right now so I am seeing what modern Western is every day and it’s probably best to avoid it.

Now we know why corsets were invented in the first place.

Gordana Liederhausen is choosing to do something from the 1920′s, cuz that’s when woman start to become emaceepate it. Kenley Teeth can’t find the bobbin that she loaded with ribbon and Irina tells her it’s sabotage. Kenley Teeth isn’t gonna take this lying down. She gets a pair of scissors and starts threatening people.

Get me that bobbin Minnesota or I’m gonna turn you from a chicken to a hen.

Feather Duster tells the bored designers in the sewing room his story. There are these three queens that look over the universe and they live on Orion’s Belt and one gets pissed and wants to own the universe all by herself so she wears a really ugly dress and makes the other sisters leave her alone to play BrickBreaker on her phone at lunch and she doesn’t need friends anyway cuz she’s gonna rule the world and get all the free four for five dollar Old Navy shirts she wants for FREEEEEEE….straight to DVD. R’amona’s idea is a human/alien hybrid, which of course means tie dye. At least this time he doesn’t use the toilet as his work station.

See? Tupperware! Was that so hard? Thanks GLAD!

I wish he was doing a human/alien/illegal alien hybrid, cuz I’ve always dreamt of having a maid that could breathe under water. That way the police would stop coming to my house and charging me with attempted murder after Aurora pretends she doesn’t know English and I lose my shit and hold her head under the tap until she begs for her life in English, which of course she knows fluently. Where was I? Oh yeah. Kenley Teeth still can’t find her bobbin and everyone thinks that there is someone going around stealing shit. I’m more entertained by my alien maid dream, so I’m going back there for awhile, k?

Kenley Teeth says that she doesn’t have a story yet, which gives Feather Duster a chance to roll his eyes and bitch about how clueless she is behind her back. Big talk for a greasy pasty stringy haired hack in an Old Navy shirt that was only saved last week because Meth was costing the producers too much in food. Duster seems to be going out of his way to be the villain which is kinda sad, needy and pathetic. However, it’s working so cheers. And no, I don’t have anything against Old Navy. Just when you’re on TV and pretend you have more taste than everyone else.

Tim comes around to check on progress and starts with Gordana Browniehausen. She is making a dress for a woman who owns an oil field in the twenties. That’s kind of a boring character, but it’s Karenhausen and she pronounced oil fields properly so you know what? Baby steps. Tim thinks that it should be cut lower, but then again he loved her work last week and she was in the bottom three. I love me some Gunn, but he’s been more than a little off this season.

Irina takes time out of her busy schedule to tell us that Gordana Squirrelhausen isn’t as talented as everyone else and there’s no way she’ll be in the finals. I hope that at the reunion, after Gordana Heiferhausen watches all these episodes, Irina gets suffocated by a thick, gorgeous knee.

Minnesota starts some long ass rant about a vampire bride. Who shops at Marshall’s I’m guessing from that lame ass dress. Wow that store has quite a history. Tim buys it but doesn’t like that MN’s going with a sleeveless halter for a top cuz it’s not very Victorian. Sometimes I wish Tim would just shush and let these dorks fall on their faces. He just robbed us of seeing a vampire bride in Victorian times wearing a halter top. Thanks a lot.

Epperson is next. Tim laughs and calls his work “Annie Get Your Gun.” Epperson doesn’t know how to take that, cuz he’s straight. He should have asked “The Bernadette Peters, Ethel Merman or Reba McEntyre version?” cuz he would have understood everything with the answer. Instead he mumbles about ruffles and Tim says that he’s “seduced by them.” I wonder if Tim has ruffles stuffed away under his bed for private wank time. I can’t get it out of my head. Neither can he.

I’m gonna come back bone that ruffle the second the cameras leave for the day.

Tim tells R’amona that his work could be “sublime or a big hot mess.” I’m going with B. If my human/illegal alien hybrid were here I would ask her what she thinks even though I already know the answer.

Aurora would never wear that.

R’amona says that he likes to think outside the box, which is a lie cuz he says things like “outside the box.” Still, I have to give him credit for using a cliche and not completely bungling it like usual. Tim tells Kenley Teeth that he can appreciate her subtlety but it’s not helping her on the runway. In other wordzzzzzzzzzzz, you’re making another goddamn slip.

I thought I’d add a nice big cup of sleepy time tea as a prop. Her story is that she’s very very very tired all the time.

Feather Duster jokes that he’s doing Western, and Tim laughs heartily. No, silly! It’s Sci-Fi! Ugh. It’s fucking hideous. I don’t care what planet it’s on it’s just wrong. And why isn’t Tim giving him shit about birds attacking the dress? Instead, he just says to exaggerate it more. HUH? Tim needs to focus. The dress form looks like it’s molting.

Tim announces that he’s enthralled by their work but someone’s going home. Consider that your hugs for the day. Feather Duster thinks it’s gonna be R’amona cuz when he thinks of Sci-fi he thinks of gorgeous women and not Godzilla, one of the most famous sci-fi movies of all time. Why is he even talking? He needs to shut his trap and start moisturizing his dress before it scars.

Time for model fittings and makeup consultations. Feather Duster’s girl looks like an abused wife.

Add a little blood on the lip and…perfect! Places!

Meanwhile….

You don’t say.

Once again, R’amona realizes at the last second that he’s sucking bawlz and decides to start all over again. He’s not wrong, but I have a feeling he won’t be as lucky this time as he was when the judges fawned all over his last minute ink stained frumpy secretary on a blind date look. I’m always wrong though so he’ll probably win. His model goes back to the lounge and frets like his lack of talent directly corresponds to her ability to walk a few feet.

My calves are already turning to jelly. If he loses I’m gonna be all torso.

Time’s a ticking and everyone is stressing out. Oh no! Kenley Teeth just cut her finger! DRAMA! You know how usually I complain that this show only casts crazy people for drama and they never show enough of the creative parts of the challenges? I am so sorry I ever said that and take it back.

Lifetime will probably have the same sentiments about this show in a few weeks.

Good lord another fat show? Aren’t fat people in the majority now? How bout a show about skinny people wanting to fit in with happy and fed people? Anyone?

The next morning, a shot of the mirror explains the bad hair on every male contestant this year.

Minnesota and Feather Duster talk shit about Gordana Potholderhausen and it makes me wish them both aufed. Leave my girl alone! Thick Russian whores need boutiques to frequent too! The designers get to the workroom for final model fittings and before you know it it’s time for the show!

Is that real?

Fat Hooker Heidi comes out in glitter leggings and a loose t-shirt. Damn her. Even slumming it she looks amazing. It’s nice to see her try to connect with Middle America. You know she never would have worn this on Bravo.

If you’re trying to blend with the Lifetime audience, you’re failing gorgeously.

Let’s meet the judges! First up is not Kors. COME ON! I want my Fanta back! Instead, we get George Castanza post Lasik.

Keep your eye on the marble loaf.

Yay! Zoe’s back! And they’re joined by Arianne Phillips, contestant on the new season of DietTribe.

This channel really knows how to work a tie in.

I hope the prize for this challenge is a bottle of conditioner and Althea wins it.

Irina’s out first with her film noir look. The dress is pretty, but the gauze-y cape thing? Not so much. It looks like she’s pitching another sassy nurse show. At a ball where someone chokes on a chicken bone? No problem. This firecracker’s always on duty!

Get me some rubber gloves and hydrogen peroxide and let’s do this. If someone dies before I catch the ending of this opera I’m gonna be piping mad!

Carol Hannah made a hot silk trench coat for her action/adventure look.

But wait! There’s more! Underneath the trench is a bustier thing and tight pants. S&M spy movie? Sounds fun. As long as it doesn’t star Angelina like that other hideous S&M action movie Wanted. That chick just depresses me these days. I can’t stop thinking about all those kids hanging off her while Brad cries and etches “Jenn” on his forearm in the corner.

She looks hot now, but soon she’s putting your ass in bought baby hell.

Elvis did an extra’s saloon ho costume. Nothing really original here, but she can construct well and she’s cute and doesn’t bug me as much as others, so yay her. Man I miss Deadwood. Now when I hear someone say “cocksucker” it just sounds crass. Heidi is smiling, but I think it’s cuz she loves the model’s crazy walk. Unfortunately for the two straight dudes who read these recaps, her boobs are restrained so I couldn’t even deliver boobies with this snore of a dress. Sorry! Now turn gay!

Minnesota completely disregarded Tim’s advice about making his Victorian Dress sleeveless, and the top is the best part of his dress. The rest looks like a kid playing dress up with a sheet. Meh. She looks like a stablehand half in her pajamas and half in her work clothes. This would work better if she was carrying a giant shovel and had horse shit stains on the front of the dress.

Feather Duster made a fairy with wings on the shoulders who got stuck flying out of the paper towel holder in a bathroom. I have a feeling that’s not the story he’ll be going with, though, so fail.

This planet is plagued with severy dandruff.

Althea did film noir, and she has her model come out with a hankie. LOL. She really plays it up, but it just looks like she has a runny nose. She needs to act as much as possible though cuz the dress is pretty boring. And very eighties.

R’amona’s dress comes out and I immediately have to press pause and stare with my mouth gaping open. Is it better than the body hose he had before? Yes. And the good ends there. You know in Little Shop of Horrors when the plant kills everyone and the three singers come out dressed like it and rock the finale? I love that part of the show, and can’t understand why it’s not working here.

Gayranis would be proud.

At the end of the runway, the model pulls a strip off the glove. Like she’s peeling herself. The dress looks a little better close up. Ew sorry no it doesn’t but I tried. It would make a cute bathroom design, though, and DietTribe seems to like it.

Kenley Teeth worries that her dress isn’t as show stopping as some of the others, and I would have to agree with that. But at least it doesn’t look like bed time.

Epperson makes me kinda insane, but I love what he did tonight. It’s western, but not cow pokey. I feel uncomfortable complimenting him so I will just show you his dress now.

Tim’s jerk off material.

Gordana Pebbleshausen made a flapper dress, and her model looks like Althea with a stylist. It’s definitely flapper-y and costume-y, but it’s not gonna win her any awards cuz it’s really really boring and way done. Hopefully she will stay just to piss of Irina. Those shoes are wrong. I wish she had modernized the look a little. Like maybe put some Reeboks on her or something like a flapper secretary on lunch break. That’s called A CHARACTER.

Straight Guy did a leather skin tight thing with ammo detailing up the front for his action adventure look. Boooooring. Carol Hanna kicked his ass on this one.

Straight Guy, Carol Hannah, Elvis, Irina, and Althea are all safe and excused. George Costanza thinks the hard work and competent sewing ability are shown in Gordana Jenniferconvertiblehausen’s dress, but doesn’t think it’s very original. DietTribe agrees and thinks it lacks “specialness.” Gordan Leafblowerhausen’s knees? Don’t.

The face of God is in those knees.

Zoe agrees that it’s boring but thinks she’s talented at construction. Feather Duster goes into his evil queen story, and the judges all love his dress and his wacko makeup. Boooo! Kenley Teeth tells a story about an out of work actress trying to dress like she’s from the twenties to get a part. LOL. She totally should have asked for help with that story. No one roots for out of work actresses. Unless they’re Blair from Facts of Life. What ever happened to her? Zoe thinks the dress looks like a maid costume from a grocery store. OW. Costanza thinks it’s bore snore and has no style. Kenley Teeth says she’s just glad to be on the stage even if it’s on the bottom cuz she hasn’t had any feedback yet. HAHAHAHA. What is wrong with this girl? Whatever it is, I like it. She’s a nut. The real Kenley would have rolled her eyes, giggled evilly and blamed someone else. Well done!

Minnesota launches into a story about a vampire who doesn’t tell her lover she’s a vampire until her wedding day. It’s like my Aunt J’s wedding day, except her secret was that she was a lesbian and didn’t tell her groom until like two years later when she finally popped out a baby and dumped him for the chick next door. Wait. That’s not the same thing at all. And J wore a polyester suit on her wedding day. Sorry. Still, a closeted vampire? How can you know you wanna marry someone if you’ve never seen them in sunlight?

The judges love his story and his work. I am proud of the judges for not making R’amona’s nasty green bathroom tile dress the top, cuz you really don’t know with these people. He tells a story about a reptile woman who wants to come to Earth and eat men. Zoe calls it shoddily made. Costanza says that sci-fi was the only part he got right, and Heidi calls it a hot green mess. She adds that he’s a good designer but this week it looks like he doesn’t know how to sew. DietTribe says he bit off more than he can chew. OK that’s enough show plugging.

90 days. Five friends. One Jouney. 180 secret binge trips to Burger King. 0 viewers.

R’amona says that he had a different design but it failed him. Poor design! How did it fail you? Girl, you failed it. That poor green panty hose body suit has got some really hurt feelings right about now.

Epperson’s character is a single mom alone in the west taking care of kids and shoveling shit with a gun in her garter. Everyone loves this one, and I hope it wins and Epperson loses. I know that’s not possible, but I haven’t made sense for most of this recap so why change course now?

In alone time, the judges repeat themselves. DietTribe didn’t like Gordana Boringhausen’s dress, but she hated Kenley Bangs. No one likes R’amona’s creepy dress, but DietTribe stands up for him because he was ambitious and she likes the whole idea of eating women. She gives him credit for that and adds “but unfortunately, no banana.” LOL with the food jokes. Does she know she’s doing that?

Everyone was impressed with Feather Duster’s shoulder skin peel dress. I sit patiently waiting for DietTribe to say “that took the cake”, but she disappoints me. The designers are brought back out. Gordana Baconhausen is safe! Epperson is safe! Wait he totes should have won! WTF! Nope, that goes to Feather Duster. BOOOOOOO! Now he’s gonna be unbearable. Well, more unbearable. MN is safe and excused, leaving Kenley Teeth and R’amona. Darn Kenley’s out you know she is. And….R’amona’s out!!! OMG I can’t believe it! I totally thought they would keep him! Kenley TeethBangs sobs anyway and thanks the judges for letting her stay on the stage so long.

R’amona is very sweet about it, and tells us that he was just grateful to have the chance. AW. Poor guy. He was on his way to the big leagues and now he’s just back to being a guy with a plastic member’s only jacket and a braid mullet. I’ll miss your apostrophe, kid!

I’m going to squeeze you so hard I give your sleeves ruffles. Shit. Boner. Do me.

Next week, A TEAM CHALLENGE! YAAAYYYYYYYY!!!