Project Runway: Blue is the New Fug

This week on Project Runway, blue is the new fug.

Nothing personal.

We open in the girls’ loft and since there wasn’t enough time to go out and buy personalities by the truckload, we are treated to virtually the same conversation these snoozers are having at the beginning of every episode when they’re shocked that there’s one less cast member. Hey how about starting the day with a round of shots and a game of I Never? This show has quite a bit of talent this year, but it’s seriously lacking in the traumatic childhoods department. Gordana Beaverhausen says “Eets grrayte to be so greer widdout R’amona hearre.” I don’t know what that means but I think it was a diss. She can read craiglist for all I care. I just like to hear her talk.

Juniormintshausen tells us that dees eez lige dee Olympig gamez. Um no. No it’s not at all like the Olympic Games, but it would be funny to see what kind of speech Michelle would come up with trying to get PR to shoot in Chicago. She wouldn’t have to fly to Copenhagen, she’d just have to threaten these pansies with her giant arms and they’d do whatever she said.

Since all of his roomies have been eliminated and Harvey is too cheap to let anyone have their own room, Straight Guy has to move in with Epperson, Feather Duster and Minnesota. The results are pretty much what you’d expect. Epperson sits around silently refusing to wash his hair while Feather Duster and MN giggle like school girls and wait for Straight Guy to take something off. He looks like he’s gonna be super comfortable here.

Come on over, toots! There’s an extra seat!

Um no. No thanks. I like to stand. Over here. I like to stand over here. Yum the tap water here is really good, amIright?

Straight Guy is too nice to say that he’s scared, dismayed and skeeved out by his new roomies, so instead he awkwardly tells us that he has to get used to their “normal procedures in the morning.” HAHA. Masturbate, grease up the hair, and giggle. MN says he likes to sleep late and Feather Duster says he’s a cuddler. Then he giggles maniacally. Straight Guy backs out of the room slowly.

Fat Hooker Heidi comes out on the runway looking, well looking like she always does. More gorgeous and genetically gifted than any of us. Does she always wear that giant diamond on her hand? That’s worth more than the damn prize money. Qristyl should have knocked her down and taken it on her way out.

You can ween, you can loose. I weel always be reecher dan you. Teeheehee

She tells the designers that today’s challenge will be very colorful. Elvis says that it could have something to do with big giant parachutes. Huh? In related news, Elvis still has giant sideburns. Hold her down and shave her, poor thing. If an old hairy woman falls down in a crosswalk, do you just let her die there? No. You wax her face first so she can get run over in peace. It’s called generosity.

Tim is waiting for the designers in the work room with some chick named Martine, who is in charge of Macy’s International Concepts. Hey I’ve got a concept for ya. Call Santa crazy, send him to a shrink and then sue his ass. How’d that concept work out for you, MACY’S!? Oh yeah, you’re bigger than ever. Never mind. Time to fuck over the Easter Bunny and OWN THE WOOOORLD.

Martine tells them that today’s challenge will, in fact, involve colors. More specifically, the color blue. This is all a plug for a Macy’s brand called Ink. Or Inc, but I’m going with Ink cuz everything has to be blue. Who cares? Point is, the winner will have their design sold as a holiday dress at Macy’s!! MN, all wide eyed and Winnie the Pooh eyebrowed as usual, tells us verbatim what Martine just said. I only point this out because he’s wearing a scarf around his wrist and I wanted to show it to you. Attempted suicide? Limp wrist therapy? Fashion? It’s a mystery. A really tacky mystery.

Also a mystery: how has this show not yet banned the fauxhawk? LET IT GO!

Does a blue challenge sound boring? Yeah, kinda. Well, not to worry! This will be a team challenge! YAAAAYYYY!!! Some blood should help. They sketch individually, then Martine will pick her faves and make them team leaders. I’m still stuck on the holiday dress. What holiday does blue work for, exactly? Any holiday WHEN YOU’RE ALONE WAAAHHHHHHH. Hate this challenge.

Carol Hannah thinks she has a leg up on this challenge. Not cuz she has any more talent than anyone else, but cuz she works next to Straight Guy so her leg keeps going up. Kenley Bangs glosses over the Ink catalogue and is disappointed that the clothes are so simple. This means she won’t be able to go crazy and prove herself to the judges. Ah well, time to make a slip. Shucks.

Althea is the first to pitch her sketch to Martine. She starts by apologizing for the black hole of roots that have grown in the center of her head.

Put your hand in and try to guess what you’re feeling.

Sweater dresses and vests are pitched, and Kenley Bangs even pitches Rosettes. LOL. I never thought I’d hear someone with the guts (or taste level) to pitch rosettes again. Who misses Angela? No one? K, moving on. Martine just smiles the same at everyone and oohs and ahhhs and calls them interesting. Then she pats their heads and gives them treats.

Can you sit? Sit. Sit. GOOOOOD!

I like Martine. Both cuz I appreciate fakeness (who wants to be told they’re talentless?) and I appreciate women over forty who refuse Botox. Yay for not looking like a robot just cuz you’re not twenty!

Martine chooses Irina, Althea, Carol Hannah, Minnesota, and Kenley Bangs as her faves. Althea giggles and twirls her hair like she’s in junior high when she chooses Straight Guy. Guys, is Straight Guy hot? I can’t tell. He was when he was in his underwear, but right now all I see are blindingly white Chicklet teeth. Maybe he looks so hot cuz he’s in that room of homely queens? It’s why I hang out with so many obese people with skin problems. Anyway Althea giggles and asks if he wants to work with her and he giggles back uncomfortably about not having a choice. Slam!

Minnesota chooses to work with Epperson, whose dirty hair is in a head sock. He looks like a homeless Keebler Elf.

Why lie? I need a cookie.

Kenley Bangs takes Feather Duster even though he has immunity because she is confident enough in her two designs. I wouldn’t be so confident. If Kors or Nina are back, the sight of rosettes might get her sent home before judging’s even started. And who would want to work with Feather Duster when they know he’s just gonna be catty and then try to get them eliminated at the end? Ah well, Kenley Bangs isn’t known for her brains. She’s known for her bangs. And her comfortable nightwear creations.

Irnia is left with a choice between Elvis and Gordan Jellybeanhausen. She can’t choose so she asks who wants to work with her. Giant awkward pause. Gordana Benandjerryshausen mutters that she likes Irina, so she’s in! That leaves Elvis with Carol Hannah. There’s only a hundred bucks in the budget and no immunity. Over at Mood, Feather Duster is in complete control of Kenley Bangs, which she doesn’t mind cuz he won last week and she was in the bottom. It’s all fun and games until he calls you a talentless hack in front of the judges.

Irinia is already stressed and bitchy with Gordana Twizzlerhausen, and she better watch it or her head will be crushed by giant German knees. Carol Hannah and Elvis are super cute trying to get out a bolt of fabric cuz they’re both tiny. They should never kill someone and try to hide the body together, cuz they’re totally clumsy and weak.

We should have just shot this bastard right by the river. My back hurts.

As everyone finishes up their shopping, Kenley Bangs realizes she forgot her sketch somewhere in the store. Goofy clown music plays as she searches for it. I hope now that she has time alone in the store she’ll break down and start sobbing about how her mom was an alcoholic and her dad never loved her forehead, but she doesn’t. She just finds her sketch and leaves. Well thanks for the pointless segment. Come on! This is Lifetime! At least let her be chased out of the store by Tom Berenger or some shit.

Back at the workroom, Elvis says she’s not really too into the design, but she’ll help make it. She says this in a nasally taunting little girl voice, which is annoying. If you’re gonna be a bitch, do it as an adult bitch. You can’t smack children. Well, you’re not supposed to anyway. You should. Children need to be hit or they grow up weak. I should just press play now.

Irina is rolling her eyes and snapping at Gordana M&Mhausen and acting like a jerk. Also immediately playing up their stereotype is Feather Duster. We’ve been in this segment less than a minute and he’s already bitching to Althea about how much Kenley Bangs sucks. He doesn’t like the ruffles and he thinks that every designer uses them when they’re desperate. I don’t know that that’s untrue, but I do know that he won last week with one of the fugliest dresses of the year so far, which is saying a lot.

I worry when I see Epperson sitting on the work table muttering quietly instead of working. He rehashes his horrible time working with Qristyl, but then says this time is different cuz he gets to work with someone who listens to him. In other words, MN is a total bottom so Epperson’s happy. I guess that means we won’t get to see him sobbing into the Sidekick on a bean bag chair today. DAMN.

Montage of Kenley Bangs making bird noises. That’s what she does when she’s stressed, cuz she grew up with twenty five pets. Does that surprise anyone? Yeah me neither. You’re not on the farm anymore, sister. When you get stressed in LA you’re supposed to bang someone ten years younger than you and snort crushed up Vicodin off their ass. You’re welcome.

Back at home, the hens nibble my bangs. The farm is like a loving home and a free Fantastic Sam’s rolled into one.

Althea is liking working with Straight Guy, and giggles and flirts the whole time. She better watch it or Carol Hanna’s gonna stick her with pins. Gordana Grapejellyhausen tells us that the girls love Straight Guy cuz he’s hot, and da boyzs likes heem too! The thought of homosexuality makes her laugh really hard. I love her.

Too many hoses in da gahrden!

Althea continues giggling and twirling her fried hair, telling us that she likes Straight Guy cuz he’s not about the drama like everyone else. Why, what do you mean? Cut to Irina complaining about everything. She doesn’t give Gordana Snickershausen any direction, she just whines and moans. Then she whines and moans to us about how she doesn’t like the challenge so she’s gonna do a super dark navy and white patchwork thing. To her credit, it’s very pretty so far. And very not blue.

Tim comes in to check on progress and starts with Team Carol Hannah. Elvis nasally shrieks “Team Awesooome!”. Tim’s like yeah I’ll be the judge of that, k? Shave. She brags about her leggings and he says it’s best to avoid talking about leggings with him. LOL. He thinks they’re on the right track and tells them to knock the leggings off. They take that as a sweet kid, but it’s advice. Pay attention!

He goes to Kenley Bangs next and says that the shiny ice blue doesn’t go well with the matte navy, but it’s the only interesting part of the dress. KB says she doesn’t wanna be boring again, and Tim agrees that that’s a wise move. Feather Duster asks him flat out whether or not the dress sucks, but Tim won’t really answer. Personally I say keep the ruffle. But then you will lose. Then again, people who have listened to Tim have lost a lot on this season, so don’t listen to him either. I guess what I’m trying to say is YOU’RE FUCKED.

Althea tells Tim that they’re making a simple skirt that’s not short or long. Way to specify. Tim likes that they’re making a suit that goes against the stereotypes of the typical woman in a frumpy suit. I don’t know what you’re trying to say, but I know someone who’s feelings just got hurt.

No, I don’t play softball. Why does everyone keep asking me that?

Disaster music starts playing when Tim gets to Irina and Gordana Bigchunkenhausen. They aren’t on the same page at all and keep giving him different answers whenever he asks them questions. I love Gordy, but she needs to shut her schnitzel hole cuz she’s not the team leader. They’re so all over the place that he only tells them to get their shit together.

MN and Epperson are next. Tim likes their shirt dress, but doesn’t get how their pieces go together. I don’t get why MN is obsessed with Queen of England clown collars.

As Tim walks away, MN tells Epperson that they should be proud of themselves for “reinventing the shirt dress.” I’m sorry, but what is reinvented here? It’s a dress that looks like a shirt. SO CONFUSED. The models come in for fittings. I don’t know this twit’s name, but she’s hilarious every episode. This time, she comes in and looks around for a bit.

….is the theme blue?

Ding ding dingbat!

Elvis and Carol Hannah are the first to run into problems cuz one of their looks is too tight. They just giggle it off though and keep working. Irina tells us that her work is stellar as usual but Gordana Godivahausen’s work is a disaster. This is true, and it’s awesome cuz Irina will go down for it cuz she’s the leader. I am typing cuz a lot. Sorry I just got back from TX y’all. Tim leaves and Feather Duster starts talking about how sick ruffles make him again. He thinks God invented them to hide flaws. Good then give me your address and I will send you a ruffle hat to get those split ends off my tv.

MN and Epperson are sure that they have their problems solved with the whole two outfits that don’t look like they belong together thing, but I don’t know how they’re gonna do that without changing colors. Carol Hannah tells us that she is about to have a mini breakdown. Sorry but we need a big breakdown to save this season. Get to work. Irinia tells us that Carol Hannah’s work is hideous and looks like it belongs in a discount store. I wonder if Irina stays up at night staring at the ceiling wondering why she’s single. The next morning, the designers start stressing out and Gordana Butterfingerhausen is covering her hot thick knees. BOOOOOOOO!

Irina is still hating Gordy’s work, but she never said what she wanted so Babyruthausen ees frustrayed. Irina’s gonna spice it up. With a cocoon holding a glitter caterpillar. Doomed.

Tim comes in to intro the models and reminds them to work with the wall of GLAD accessories. Kenley Bangs is way behind and doesn’t think she’ll finish, and Irina admits that Gordana Sugarbabyhausen’s work looks better on the model than it should. Gordy tells us that she saved her own ass by making a good top because Irina is prepare to “how you say, throw me on da buss.” LOL. No, that’s how you say, and it makes me love you even more. Being forced to ride the bus is worse than being killed by one in Jellybellyhausen’s world.

Next on Models of the Runway, Fat Ma has a sandwich!

And now for the show! Kors is back! And he’s got half of Richard Simmons’ rug on. It’s always been fun to make fun of Kors’ tanning obsession, but he’s verging more and more on blackface every time he shows up. Just cuz they did it on Mad Men doesn’t mean it’s acceptable now, Kors! If he starts singing “Old Man River” I’m outta here.

Zoe’s gone today. BOOOOO. She’s replaced by some perky thin blonde named Zanna from Marie Claire. Martine is in da house too, and she’s already got a plastic smile stuck on her face. Irina and Gordana Sourpatchkidshausen are up first. The dress Irina worked on looks like a formal day at the beach dress, and it’s gorge and well made, even if the whole thing seems to be pointing at the model’s womb.

Someone wants a baby.

Gordana’s dress is a Russian call girl on an actual dinner date dress, which is what Gordy does best. I love Milkdudhausen, but her work is pretty hideous.

Didn’t Althea already win with a slutty suit? Well it worked so why change it?

The skirt keeps hiking up further and further as the model walks, and if the slit in the back was centered there would be two slits in the back.

You got the promotion! Congrats! It must have been all that…hard work?

I can’t tell if Zanna is disgusted or turned on.

I’m sorry, but I refuse to type the name Zanna again. Let’s call her Heather. The next look is all ruffly. The pants are high waisted and don’t fit well. Fug. This will probs win.

Kenley Bangs is next. She made another slip!! LOL I love it. This time, though, she attached a boa. This is her worst work yet. Unless it’s worn by someone whose name starts with Y who’s into those long loofas you use for your back.

The second dress is better, but not by much. It’s just another simple dress with ruffles on the front. Poor Kenley Bangs. What did those hens do to you?

OK now Heidi is wearing robot fingers. What is she doing?

Carol Hannah’s first dress looks like a shout out to Dora Lee in 9 to 5, one of my favorites of all time. The result is pretty fug, but comedy ain’t pretty.

The second dress is better, but still meh. Leggings? Ok then. Casual ruffle dress? Cute. Cumberbun? No. No. No.

Unless she’s on her way to a lesbian hiking wedding.

MN’s shirt dress is next. It looks like an oversized shirt made out of plastic, and the only thing giving it form is the belt. GROSS.

If it rains after a one night stand, this girl is set.

The second dress is a baby doll number with the queen/clown collar and a pair of leggings. That model looks like Mr. Potatohead. Not flattering.

Althea and Straight Guy are safe! Everyone else is kept on the runway. Heidingo tells Kenley Bangs and MN that their teams have the lowest scores. Epperson gets the same look that he got when Qristyl didn’t submit to every condescending lecture he tried to give her.

That’s not how you spell Crystal.

The losers are excused, leaving Iriana and Carol Hannah’s team in the top. Ink lady loves Carol Hannah’s work and think she did a great job of interpreting the brand. Kors digs the lesbian wedding groom tunic, and Heidi likes the neckline and says it doesn’t look cheap. They didn’t cut to Irina’s face for that one, which is a shame.

Heidi asks Irina and Milkywayhausen what it was like working together. Gordy says it was a challenge but ultimately she was happy with the outcome. Irina slips into defensive mode and tells her that she’s too shy and she just expected her to grow a pair and do something. Kors tells them this is a team challenge but they’re being judged as individuals. Since when? You didn’t say anything to Elvis! Whatevs. Heidi loves Irina’s dress and would wear it. Ink loves it too, and the Heather has an accent! Thanks for chiming in! You’re fired.

And now for the bottom teams. Kenley says she tried to spice up her usual snoriness, and then Heidi disgustedly says “with ruffles.” HA. Then she asks “who wears this today?” All the judges shake their heads and Kenley Bangs giggles and says if loving ruffles is a crime, then put her on the side of the road in an orange jumpsuit to pick up trash. Ink likes ruffles, but thinks that Kenley’s suck. Heather says if she walked into Macy’s and saw the loofa dress, she’d leave. Ouch. Kors calls it a loofa dress. He’s my soulmate. My orange, Richard Simmon’s rugged soulmate. Feather Duster says he isn’t into ruffles but wanted to help out Bangs and Heidi snaps that he’s lucky he has immunity. Bangs is so out.

Heidi moves on to MN and says that she was blown away by his work, but in a bad way. She hates the bib collar, and Kors says the shirt dress looks old and stale and resembles a table cloth. The teal charmeuse disco pumpkin sucks too. Whatever botox Ink Lady avoided using, MN took and injected all over the place. Look how he cries!

LOL

He sobs like a puss and Kors gives him a dirty look. HAHAH. He wants to stick up for himself, but can’t stop stone faced blubbering, so Epp takes over. He says that they grabbed fabric separately which didn’t help, and Ink hates the shiny shirt dress. They are sent to the holding tank so the judges can have private time.

Heidi calls Bangs’ work unwearable, and no one disagrees. Then they repeat everything they’ve already said. Irina’s stripey dress seems to be the favorite. The designers are brought back, and Heidi tells them one or more will be out! SNAPPLE! Kenley Bangs and MN? Irina wins! Meh. Good work but what an asshole. She will get to design a holiday dress for Ink. Wait. So the winning dress isn’t sold? Did they just change the rules? Or was I not paying attention? We all know it’s B so sorry about that.

Epperson is safe and Feather Duster has immunity. Heidi tells off MN and Kenley Bangs. KB’s work looked like hideous unsellable bridesmaid dresses, and the only thing MN’s dresses had in common was that they were both fuggles. Bangs is out! The tense music keeps going, and MN is in!! Hey no fair!! I WANT A DOUBLE! Damn you Heidi. Kenley Bangs is glad she made it this far, and says that she’ll be a better designer after this and at least she’ll get home in time for the hens to give her a trim.

This is the dress Irina made that will be sold. What holiday is this for? I don’t know. But if you need to get laid at the office Christmas party, this is the kind of dress you need to get your point across. LOVE