Project Runway: I’m Leaving You. Again.

This week on Project Runway, we celebrate Oktoberfest and Elvis waaaaaahs for forty minutes. Good times.

It’s so haaaard!

Gee. I wonder if today is going to open with the girls talking about how crazy it is that there’s one fewer contestant. It doesn’t! It opens with Straight Guy makin’ bacon!! And no I don’t mean fucking a fat chick. He’s literally making bacon.

Over in the girl’s apartment, Gordana Keeblerhausen is horny and she doesn’t know why.

It’s the boys who take the lead this time, talking over the smell of bacon about how there are so few people left. Phew. Wouldn’t want them to stop the tradition of boring the crap out of us in the first sixty seconds. Now if they could only add “he threw me under the bus”, “I’m not here to make friends” and “I deserve this cuz I want it the most” in there, we could get all the cliches out of the way and get on with it.

Over in the girl’s apartment, Gordana Entenmannhausen is saying that she doesn’t want to get old one day and suddenly realize that she never followed her dream. She came to America to put herself out there when she’s young so if it doesn’t work she can pick herself up and start something new. LOL. The only new thing you’ll be trying if you fail at this point is jello in the Shady PInes cafeteria, but I like your delusional spunk. And your thick knees. Show me your knees!

Carol Hannah can’t believe someone as talented at slip making as Kenley Bangs was kicked off the show. “People aren’t going home for lack of talent, that’s for sure!” She doesn’t elaborate on why people are going home then if not for lack of talent, but I think it might have something to do with….nope lack of talent is all I can come up with. But thanks for your time, Carol Hannah!

Well it’s certainly not for a lack of exfoliating dresses, that’s fo sho.

Irina smiles condescendingly and tries not to spit out a glass of OJ. I cross my fingers that someone thought to lace that shit with rat poison, but alas, she goes into the private time room with the diary cam. Damn! She tells us that everyone’s smiling and acting like everything’s ok, but she’s just positive that they’re all secretly jealous and hate her for being so fucking amazing. You see, so many of them haven’t won challenges or even been in the top before! You know it’s been awhile since I’ve prayed. Let’s all take a moment and hold hands with our eyes closed. Dearest Godlet, Please let Irina lose horribly and be embarrassed and get kicked off and cry tonight. And then please let her get hit by a tractor. Love and Amen, Flipit.

Straight Guy tells us that Irina is acting like she thinks she’s better than everyone. Welcome to the party, Straight Guy!! He packs up his stuff for the day in one of the gayest man bags I’ve seen in a long time while Feather Duster stands there and doesn’t even try to not stare at him.

Love the gold chains on your purse. Oh, and your penis. What’d I say?

The designers all go to meet Fat Slut Heidi on the Runway. She’s wearing a blue muumuu thing. I don’t get it, but I don’t have to cuz she’s making more money in this two minute segment than I will make in my thirties. But does she have stretch marks that form different letters when she changes position? No. No she doesn’t. So we all have our attributes.

There is a surprise today! NEW MODELS!! A line of women in wedding dresses parades down the stage as the designers form tiny pee puddles that drip down their seats. What does this mean for Models of the Runway!?? PLEASE let that show follow a day in the life of this chick.

Finally someone comes along to punch Fat Ma in the face.

Don’t worry, designers! It’s not a wedding challenge. These cougars have already been married and divorced. But why waste a tacky dress? Instead, the task is to make the dresses into new fabulous creations that these women can wear in “their new lives” trolling karaoke bars drunk and getting stds they’d never heard of before from guys in their twenties. Cuz something that doesn’t make a divorcee look desperate, clingly and slightly psychotic? Wearing a mini skirt made out of their wedding dress to an office party.

And now let’s meet the ladies. We start with a youngish pretty girl who’s been divorced three months. Tollhousehausen cracks “Congratulations!” LOL. Wait. If gay people aren’t allowed to get married, how come drag queens are? SO UNFAIR.

I lip synched “Evergreen” to that bastard right before he left me for the nanny.

Can’t imagine why anyone would leave this one.

So I’m following you to work. I put a GPS tracker in your car and a tap on your cell. WHAT?!? IT’s CALLED LOOOOOVVVE!

Melissa isn’t divorced. She’s “been in the process for three years”. And she is about to lose her shit any second. I hope Feather Duster gets stuck with this open wound.

I have some residual anger. Let’s hug. And then I’ll stab you in the testicles.

Stephanie got divorced 14 years ago. Wait a second. You’ve been divorced 14 years and you still need to start a new chapter? I’ve got one for you. Chapter 11: GET THE FUCK OVER IT ALREADY.

Ana Gasteyer never married! LIAR!

Irina gets to choose first, and she takes the lady with the most lace heaped together on her dress. She’s a bitch, but she’s not a dumb bitch. Eppy takes Open Wound and Straight Guy takes the hottish young one. Elvis picks last and gets stuck with the least amount of fabric. Sad horns. She’s not all smily and perky about it though, like she usually is. Could tonight be the night we get to finally see her crack? She’s so gonna stress cheat on Pricilla later. YAAAYYYYY!!

Blue River

They all go back to the workroom, where Irina throws her head back and chuckles evilly at nothing just in case the cameras happen to be on her. Elvis, predictably, is already whining and stamping her feet. Not only does she only have about two yards of fabric, but it’s polyester! OH WAAAH. If anyone should know how to make polyester work, it’s Elvis. Add some plastic rhinestones and peanut butter breath and stop your whining! YOU’RE A ROCK STAR!

Hohohausen is worried about redeeming herself in the judges’ (and country’s) minds, and also “meecha da expectations of any.” HUH? Oh, her model’s name is Annie. Ringdinghausen should come out with a board game, where you just try to decode what the hell she’s trying to say. I could play it for hours. Annie, the chick with crazy eyes pictured above, wants something “punk rock.” LOL. I’m guessing her husband was an accountant or something.

The women are really cute. Most of them insist on something that shows off their just got divorced and got a gym membership figures. Ana Gasteyer wants something cruelty free. So not another marriage, then? She doesn’t want him using any kind of harsh dyes and of course no fur!! God I’m ready to dump her ass and I’ve known her for thirty seconds. Feather Duster just nods and smiles. You know he’s gonna dye this thing in baby cow’s blood just to see if he can get away with it. She ends with “no animals have to suffer! YAY!” HAHAH I think I love her. In a frightened stand ten feet away from me at all times kinda way.

How many plush kid’s stuffed animals were killed for that collar, Stephanie? HOW MANY?!

Elvis’ girl wants “Cher Half Breed!” HAHAHAHAHAH. She’s a musician so she wants something “fly” and “hot.” Elvis is like…uh no. No. No. Feathers? NO. Cher? NO. Beyonce? Yes. Cuz we can get away with using the inch of fabric you’ve given me, BITCH. Look. You’ve got six inches of fabric and a hot toned model with attitude to wear it. Pick a cute chunky belt off the GLAD accessories wall and stop your wahing. YOU GOT THE MOST IN THIS CHALLENGE. Look what other people are having to deal with!!

Tim meets the designers at Mood. HEY!! Wait a second, I thought they just got to use the wedding dress. They get to buy two yards of fabric, too? NO FAIR! Even though she’s just been handed a gift, after all it’s double her original amount of fabric, Elvis whiiiines. She ignores her good fortune to give Tim sad OMG I’m twenty five and i have sideburns and boobies face. WAAAHHHH.

They get twenty five bucks to buy their two yards. Elvis runs around whining and throwing herself on tables and Eppy tells us how important it is that they move fast because time is of the essence and argh looking for fabric is SO HHAAAARD. You know what would help? A nice shampoo.

Wash it. Come on. You know you want to.

And now let’s check in with Straight Guy. I hate to sound like the designers at the beginning of all this season’s episodes, but it’s getting weird with so few people. How much have we really heard Straight Guy say so far this season, exactly? All I can remember about him are that Carol Hannah wants to bone him, Crockerhausen wants to bone him, he wore silver pants, and he gave us that glorious half naked screengrab. Not glorious enough to actually look it up and post it again, but I appreciate his effort there.

So my question is, why is he talking? Like, so so much? Seriously this is more than he’s said all season. For example, did you know Straight Guy has a Midwestern accent? He’s got surfer dude, stoner dude, jock and Midwestern ya I like cheeese dude all rolled into one, sweet little package. Just one thing, Straight Guy, DON’T SPEAK.

We see Eppy pull a bolt of something, and you know, to really modernize a wedding dress you should pick MORE WHITE.

It’s gonna look less like a wedding dress and more like a…wedding dress. But white. Wait.

As Elvis thrashes herself around the store whining, she starts grabbing all sorts of really wrong feathers from all over the place. Ana Gasteyer the Respecter of Animals is gonna be horrified when she looks across the room and catches the site of all those dead, fluorescent birds.

Elvis tells us her wack ass model literally wants a Cher costume with feathers everywhere. Before, she was saying there was no way she could let herself do these things, but now she’s sideburns deep in feathers. I think it’s time to pull out a little Nancy Reagan here and just say no. Or whine a lot. I think she’s gonna stick with B.

Back at the work room, Carol Hannah tells us that she makes a living making wedding dresses so it feels sacrilegious ripping one apart. So before she does, she puts hers on and tells Straight Guy she’s pregnant.

I don’t mean to trap you, but if you leave me I will cut your throat in the middle of the night.

Irina thinks that turning a wedding dress into a dress for a different part of your life is empowering. You can do that when you finally find some man’s life to ruin and then he finally has enough therapy or alcohol to get the guts to dump your evil ass. There. Something to look forward to.

Sad Lifetime “I loved him but then he chased me with a knife for no reason” music starts to play and Pepprigefarmhausen tells us that she, too, was once married and divorced. That just got her more focused on her goal of making the finest Russian call girl clothes a ho could want. She misses her kids, so she asks for time on the Sidekick of Doom! NO! Don’t do it! It hasn’t led to anyone’s dismissal yet this season, but the thought of making it through the rest of the season without her loving and comforting thick knees scares me.

Resist the urge! Crush it between your knees!

The kids see the caller ID and are like “OH HELL NO” and don’t pick up. Famousamoshausen sobs and tells the voicemail she loves it. Nothing like coming home to a sobby message from mom. I save all of mine and listen to them when I need to relax. The last one was after she saw Julie and Julia and decided her purpose in life was to be a conservative blogger. Not kidding.

Nabiscohausen is surprised that she got so emotional, and blames it on still not being over the shit head who broke her heart. So she decides to turn her wedding dress into an Italian funeral dress and just pretend the mofo got run over by a bus.

I weel cover da meerers and cry and geet drunkle.

Eppy says something about his little cocktail dress but I can’t hear it because Elvis is behind him whining and moaning and squealing about her hideous dress. It doesn’t look like she’s done much yet, but she needs to stop right now if this is where she’s going.

Tim comes in to check on progress and is not into what Minnesota’s doing. MN explains that his fuggle black dress is just the base for something fabulous. Tim doesn’t seem to buy it, but he can’t talk too much of MN’s faux earnestness so he moves on to Irina. He loves the color of her dress even though it’s 100% acetate and will explode if anyone in the vicinity lights a smoke. Leave it up to Irina to turn a wedding dress into a roadside bomb.

Epperson’s goal “is to use as less fabric as possible from the wedding dress.” Tim’s all “uh…as little as possible?” Eppy just stares at him blankly, trying to comprehend that English riddle. Tim goes on to call his work “lab coat-y” and says that he’s supposed to be using the wedding dress as a core of the design. Straight Guy is having the same problem, as he’s using wool for his pants instead of the wedding dress because his model said she doesn’t want to show her legs. AW! Tim, for like the fifth time today already, says “this worries me.” Then he rolls his eyes as Straight Guy makes excuses and finally just brushes him off and tells him to figure it out. Tim? Is totally over this season. Dammit I wish he still had his podcast.

This whole show is worrying me right now.

He loves what Fignewtonhausen is doing, but he usually does and it doesn’t ever translate into success on the runway. I think, like us, Tim likes Chipsahoyhausen more than her actual work. He gives her a little pep talk about pushing her design far and believing in herself or something, then ends with “kuuuuy?” LOL Tim. He moves on to Elvis and asks how she’s doing. This is her answer.

Poor little match girl! Give her a nickel.

She explains what her model is asking for while all the boys laugh openly. Tim is mortified and tells her that she’s the one at risk of losing. Her model already lost so f her. Elvis starts sobbing, while telling us in voice over how strong she is. Tim’s advice? Take everything apart and just start pinning shit to the dress form until she comes up with something that doesn’t suck so hard. Tim? Is a gentleman. He pats her on the shoulder and walks away. I have to point out that Elvis has done absolutely nothing but waaaah. Her dress is exactly the same as the one she started with.

Tim leaves and people start freaking out. Straight Guy wants to ditch the pants, Elvis decides to do whatever she can with thread since there’s no extra fabric lying around, and Epperson? Epperson misunderstood the challenge. He didn’t realize he was supposed to use the wedding dress in the wedding dress challenge. HAHAHAHAHAH. One of our writers/spies wrote me that Eppy was the clerk who helped her recently at H&M. Is this depressing? Kinda, but more for our spy, cuz you know he kept bringing her the wrong size and claiming he didn’t understand what she asked for.

The models come in for their fittings and the only one not happy is Elvis’. She asks wtf she’s been doing all day. LOL. Elv ignores her and says she doesn’t give a flying fig about divorced chick’s new life, she’s just trying to save her own ass at this point. Finally! Some balls! The next morning, Althea is only worried about frying her hair crispier than Straight Guy’s bacon.

MN tells us that he’s super confident in his dress even though his model doesn’t seem to get it. I’m on her side. The model’s.

It looks like it’s being tented for termites.

Elvis’ model is a complainy Jane, and bitches and moans about every little thing. That’s called karma. MN’s model isn’t so happy either, but she’s nicer about it. She begs him not to make her look like a fat grandma, and he says “honey I don’t make fat grandma clothes”. She laughs at this, but what he means is “I applied at Mervyn’s and they wouldn’t take me.” MN says that if he goes home over this dress, at least it really tells the judges what his design aesthetic is. LOL. I’M TERRIBLE!! YAY ME! I sure showed you guys!

We haven’t seen much of Feather Duster yet, so when we do it’s actually kinda fun. He is mortified by his own outfit and says it’s the worst thing he’s ever done. That? That’s saying something. Ana Gasteyer is happy though, and wants to have his little moth ball children.

Hair and makeup time! Yay that translates into break time for me. BRB.

It’s about time there was a Hedwig and the Angry Inch revival.

The real models come to teach the divorcees how to walk, and Ana Gasteyer says that she heard walking like a model means acting like you’re better than everyone else and acting really angry. HA. I think it’s hungry, but still cute. It’s almost time for the show, and people are skerd. Elvis has done all she can do, Epperson thinks he’s gonna win (uh……), and Straight Guy knows that his work is a mess. Irina agrees, telling us how awful his pants are. Then a spear flies right between her eyes and drops her dead right on the spot.

Time for the show! Fat Hooker Heidi comes out in a pretty unflattering outfit. Who’s dressing her this year? She looks moldy.

Let’s say hi to the judges!! Back this week to promote the DVD release of Leatherheads is Kors!

If this face fails, blame Zellweger.

That skinny blonde from last week that doesn’t talk is back, too. Boo Zanna! I want Zoe! The President of Jimmy Choo is here too. Her name is Tamara Mellon. MN is very impressed, but I’m holding my judgement. You know Elvis is scared when she wears her Peter Pan hat.

I’m too cute to kick off! WAAAHHHHH!

Irina is out first, and with her attitude I always expect to see perfection. Fail. Her dress is fuggles. She turned her sad divorcee into a sad bridesmaid. Ick. Poor lady looks like she’s gonna have a nervous breakdown right there on the runway.

All the stitch detailing Elvis did on her dress is invisible on the runway. She sends down the same dress she was given, but shorter and with a belt. Her model looks pissed.

Straight Guy’s pants are so horribly constructed and ill fitting that it’s hard to even take in how bad the top is. Every divorcee wants to look four months pregnant.

OK there have been three pieces so far, and every single one has sucked ass. Come on, PR! Carol Hannah improves the situation. Her dress is a total departure from the original and looks kinda cute, if dusty.

Cougars shouldn’t put cobwebs into people’s minds.

Althea’s model definitely wins the spunk award. She’s like a perky country star from the seventies, and she’s adorable. The dress is one hundred percent fug, but damn this woman isn’t showing it.

Best cure for divorce? Hay rides.

Althea is super proud of her work, even when we see the janky back.

Did they even have to sew anything at the auditions this season?

Feather Duster tells us his work is hideous, but I think it’s actually one of the cutest things he’s done this year. Ana Gasteyer loves it, and the pants are slick and well fitting. The sweater is very Anthropologie, and the look is overall well done. I can’t believe I’m saying that about Feather Duster, but there you go.

Your books were two weeks late, sir. At five cents a day, you owe the library big bucks!

Oreohausen sends her crazy eyed punk model down the runway looking pretty hot. And scary, but I think it’s the eyes. Best dress so far in my completely ignorant opinion.

MN is next and ouch that’s UGUGUGUGUGGGG. Hedwig looks like she just received one of those African bed nets thing from Idol Gives Back and put it on. She may not get a date ever again, but she won’t get malaria, either.

No need to go to such extremes, Hedwig! This is America! We have OFF here!

MN tells us how great he did and how innovative he was and I just want to FF to the part where he sobs all botoxededly on the runway again. Epperson is out next, and he should have ignored Tim Gunn’s sabotaging ass cuz his first dress was way better than this tripe. Plain white dress with a Chinese finger torture belt. How are the judges going to pick someone to go home when there is this much fug on the runway ? Just hand Irina the prize and let’s start all over, k?

He’s feeling very confident, and that’s why his ass is a clerk at H&M. Carol Hannah, Feather Duster, and Althea are safe and excused. Heidi starts with Littledebbiehausen’s work. Gordy just used the lining of the dress, and Kors thinks it looks great and it’s totes flattering on crazy eyes. Heidi says “you did a good job this time.” LOL. Even when she’s being nice Heidi’s evil. Love.

MN is next, and says that his model is an actress and he wanted to give her something she could wear in Hwood. Choo thinks this dress would get her on the worst dressed list, and Kors warns Hedwig not to go to an industry party dressed in this cuz she looks like Reynolds Wrap. LOL. Skinny Blonde says “space bubble”. MN says the material is stretch underneath, and Skinny Blonde snaps “yes, it’s a stretch.” HA. OK I like Skinny Blonde now. How a week can change things! Unfortunately, MN smiles good-naturedly and doesn’t break down. Lame.

Eppy says he had something else before and was gonna get rid of the entire dress but changed his mind. Heidi snaps that she was very clear with the challenge, and then asks the model if she asked for Oktoberfest. Bwahahahah.

No, but now that you mention it, a beer or twelve sounds great right now.

Choo thinks it’s less Oktoberfest and more Pirate Wench. OK these judges should just use the rest of the season to sit around and bitch about stuff, cuz it would save the year. Kors thinks that if she showed up to a bar for a first date in this dress, the guy would leave.

Elvis says right up front that her model wanted a Cher dress with peacock feathers, but she refused. Kors gives her a dirty (I think. His skin might just be itchy though poor guy) look and the model says the dress is too safe for her but still pretty. Choo loves it and thinks it looks great on the model, who says she’s gonna shorten it. LOL. Kors gives Elvis credit for ignoring her model’s wishes, and all the judges agree that this dress was a score.

Heidi says that Straight Guy’s outfit is another Oktoberfest outfit and she’s speechless. The model says she would wear it on a second date. HAHAHA. Choo thinks it’s just poorly done, and Kors thinks the top is unflattering. Choo throws in “tragedy”. The judges all love Irina’s work, and Heidi calls her unbelievable. Then an anvil drops from the ceiling and crushes Irina into the ground.

In private time, the judges repeat themselves and then call the designers back in. Man I hope we finally get a double elim and Eppy and MN get sent packing. Straight Guy did some shit work today, but he’s not as consistently sucky as the other two. Elvis is safe! Thinminthausen WINS!! I can’t believe it! YAAAYYYYYY!!!! It’s especially delicious when we get this shot:

MN is safe! BULLSHIT!! ARGHGHGHGH. Heidi tells off the remaining two and then tells Straight Guy he’s safe! YAY!!! Now take off your shirt. Epperson tells us that he still feels like he won. “I won for me!” Congratulations! Let’s bring out your prize!

Next week, it’s the Barbra Streisand challenge!! Or some other musical stah that Bob Mackie endorses. Let’s hope the cast swallows some talent pills. See you then! xo