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This week on Project Runway, the judges smoke a bong, Cranyons are handed a new color for free, and…
…Milla is forced to watch her own movies.
We open with Carol Hannah applying an entire tube of mascara.
Spiders are scary. Get me a fly swatter.
She is kinda sad to see Elvis go, but hey, one less person so CYA. Now that there are so few of them left, she says, the wolves are starting to circle the stray sheep. That’s what this season could use. Some good old fashioned slaughtering. You made a witch dress? Bring in the wolves! They really need new mirrors in this place. Feather Duster is gonna be horrified when he sees the show and realizes that his bangs are the only part of him that look decent when he leaves the house.
Minnesota is wearing a shirt with some cartoon character on it. Dennis the Menace? Dunno, but it’s frightening how much he resembles that character. Especially in the overwaxed six inch apart eyebrows department. When he finally gets kicked off, he should audition to be on an Ovaltine canister.
Some of the designers talk about Mood, and MN tells them it’s “le Mood!” and cracks up at his lame joke. Wait until he hears “Tarjay”. He’s gonna laugh himself into a lung collapse. Fingers crossed. He proudly informs us: “I’m. One of. The TOP 7 designers here!”, as if that has something to do with his talent instead of the producers’ obvious fascination with the eyebrows on his temples.
Fat Hooker Heidi comes out in frizzy ends, a simple black dress and earrings that will put an eye out if she makes any sudden movement. Ooooh danger! She’s like the Evel Knievel of earrings.
You’ll put an eye out, kid!
Heidi tells the contestants that they’re going to hook up with Tim on Rodeo Drive to meet a super famous designer. Then she goes off and hopefully does a hot oil treatment.
Straight Guy is excited, cuz Rodeo drive is so high end so they must be doing a high end challenge!! Yes and no. There’s also a Starbucks over there. Maybe they can design new VIA aprons that don’t make we want to knock the baristas down for trying to push a product on me so actively when I already spend more there monthly than I do on my utility bills. Jerks. I’m thirsty. BRB.
Minnesota tells us that Rodeo drive is a stunning walk of power. He works in mall stores, which means “we don’t have an Yves Saint Laurent! We don’t have a Gucci!” Yes, but you have a Claire’s and an Orange Julius, so stop your whining, poor person! Speaking of Orange Julius, guess who the mystery famous designer is?
Actually, Kors isn’t orange today at all. He’s brown? Mocha? Bronze? I don’t think there is a name for what color he showed up as, so let’s just call it Burnt Old Person. He looks like he was left too long in the bagel toaster. Tim tells the designers that the Kors flagship store “personifies taste and style!” Whatever you say. I see leopard print capes and big brown kaftans.
I was wondering if you can help me. I have an important event coming up and I need something brown.
Kors says that his designers come up with their inspirations by traveling all over the world, and today’s challenge is to be inspired by pictures of far away places.
Carol Hannah won last week so she gets to pick her location first. She takes Palm Beach. Smart, because the ladies there were leopard print capes and kaftans all the time, making her a shoo in with Kors. Feather Duster wants New York, cuz he’s totally known there you guys! Instead, he takes Greece cuz he wants to grow. I predict he will make a white shiny dress with feathers on it. Althea snaps up St. Tropez, and sad dramatic music plays when Gordana Jellybellyhausen chooses New York. Uh oh. Does that mean she bones it today and gets sent home? NOOOO!! Well I hope she at least has the decency to give us a shot of her smiling knees before she goes.
Irina the ice queen takes Aspen, which isn’t a surprise. Then a boulder rolls into the room and crushes her like a bug. Minnesota takes Santa Fe, leaving Straight Guy with Hollywood. Goofy clown music is playing and the other designers are tittering, but it seems like a perfect match to me. He could use any one of the ho dresses he’s already made this year.
Carol Hannah sketches out a swimsuit. ? Althea does too, at first, but then decides that it would be harder to make the model look like she has giant hips in a swimsuit. Whether she chooses a dress or a skirt or a blouse and pants, there is one idea that won’t get out of her mind. Muffin tops.
Gordana Butterpopcornhausen is going for Park Avenue, cuz “eets da rrreech off da reechez!” She sketches out a dress for a successful divorced independent woman with two adult children that still ask her for money daily. Over at Mood, she picks out so many plastic jewels that she only has thirty dollars left for fabric. It’s all about the jewels, anyway. The only reason those Park Ave bitches wear anything at all other than diamonds is because they would horrify children and/or get arrested otherwise.
Show us your diamond tassles, skank!
Feather Duster works on “this idea of a woman that lives and breathes.” Uh…could you be more specific? Cuz I don’t think anyone’s designing for dead women. From what I can tell, it means he’s making the same damn thing he’s made twice already, but this time in cotton.
Carol Hannah has ditched her swimsuit sketch for a dress made out of outdoor furniture covers. Well, it’s very Florida I’ll give her that. I think Dorothy Zbornak wore this at least once.
Irina is dismayed by the sense of joviality in the room. People laughing, cracking jokes, being kind to one another. Morons. Then a Mexican midget from Apocolypto comes in, takes off her head, and throws it down the side of a pyramid while the natives cheer.
Minnesota does a pretty hilarious impression of Kors. “I wanna like it I just don’t.” LOL. I start to like him, but then he goes back to gluing tiger stripes on a piece of brown material and my like vanishes. Thank goodness. That was worrying me. He rehashes his story, for those of you just tuning in. He started on top…
And ended up with his ankles behind his ears.
His goal today is to show the judges that he’s sophisticated and has a modern style. He plans to do this with a fauxhawk. Head slap. Just don’t suck, k? Gordana Chilimangohausen knows her sketch is super simple, but she’s gonna make it special…in some udder way, which she’ll come up with later.
Tim comes in to check on progress and starts with Cottoncandyhausen. She hasn’t even started making her dress yet, because she’s been focusing on a necklace. Oh no. Come on, lady! Tim begs her to start sewing and not leave him on a show without a pair of the cutest dimpled knees on the planet. She doesn’t know how to take that.
Vass ees deempel?
Tim likes where Althea is going, but he’s all scrunch and scowl when he gets to Minnesota. He warns against going for the cliche, but MN says that it’s all about the belt. Tim argues that if his skirt and blouse are hacky no one’s gonna care about the belt. Minnesota over-eagerly nods and repeats “yes” over and over. Finally Tim says “do it. Okaaaay?” Scowl. Minnesota blinks blankly.
Maybe just write down what I say so you can let it dawn on you later, kaaaaaay?
I was just kidding, but Minnesota actually does have to tell Tim that he’s writing it down so Tim will go away and scowl at someone else. Hilarious. Anyone wanna know what Irina thinks of all of this? No? Well let’s find out anyway! She says Minnesota is a hack, she can’t believe he’s still here, and his dress looks like something an Amish woman made herself. All of this is true, but it doesn’t matter. She’s Irina, which means she must die. On cue, a horse enters and kicks her in the face.
I don’t know what the heaven Carol Hannah’s doing, but it’s hilarious. It looks like the swamp thing finally got sick of killing people and decided to retire gracefully in Florida.
Tim warns her against being cliche and then literally backs away from her with his hands up, like “wadn’t me.”
Feather Duster tells Tim that he’s doing something “fashion forward.” Yes, grey slacks and a ruffle shirt are totally new, Feather Duster. Next he will claim to have invented the Hula Hoop and mayonnaise. Tim loves what he’s doing, but after looking at Minnesota and Carol Hannah’s work, I think a pair of jorts and a tank top would make him happy.
Irina has some fabulously tailored slacks and a sweater that she’s based on the current state of Kors’ neck.
Wow. That’s following a challenge!
Feather Duster thinks Irina’s outfit is costume-y and he doesn’t like it. I’m sure she’s gonna be crushed that the greasy haired pasty queen who makes the same fug outfit over and over again doesn’t approve of her work. It’s difficult to know what side I’m on now.
The models come in for fittings, and Gordana Carmelcornhausen only has a necklace. That thing looks like a wreath. This isn’t gonna end well, is it?
Straight Guy’s jeans don’t fit his model, and Feather Duster is having some trouble with his pants too. Irina says that she tries to get better with every challenge but no one else gets better ever and they’re all a bunch of loozas. Then Iran unleashes a tiny nuke up her nostril and her head vaporizes.
Feather Duster knows he’s in trouble cuz he hasn’t ever worked with jersey before and his draping is starting to look very Rami. Feather Duster is up and down and he always thinks he’s in trouble, but today he’s probably right.
Althea says that if Minnesota can send the crap he’s made down the runway and not get eliminated then she doesn’t know what’s going on with the judges. See, we aren’t the only ones noticing that the judges have become drug addicts. Minnesota stands back and looks at his dress, and then it hits him: it’s fug. He turns it into a mini-skirt. I hope he’s craving a Hot Dog on a Stick, cuz his ass will be back at the mall by next week.
Later that night, the designers go home and spend quality time together. Feather Duster tells us how close he feels with everyone and how much he loves them all. Huh? Remember when you had the title of detestable bitch and you gave it to Irina without a fight? Those were the good ole’ days. They clink glasses and then drink silently and awkwardly.
The next morning, Carol Hannah realizes what she’s missing. More mascara.
Dang girl no wonder your eyes are always half shut. Ease up!
Feather Duster tells us that he had a nervous breakdown last night. Really? Then how come we had to watch you awkwardly bond with the others? Come on, camera crew! You’re slackin! At the workroom, everyone is working furiously and silently freaking out. Models come in for fittings. Gordana Tuttifruttihausen has made a way too simple dress, but it’s at least pretty and fits, unlike Minnesota’s work, which is even uglier than it was yesterday, if that’s possible. Straight Guy got his jeans to fit, but unfortunately he still doesn’t know how to properly construct pants. Why does he keep making pants if he can’t make them? The girl is one giant dimpled seam.
Feather Duster must have heard that Grecian women are always on the rag, because he’s included a giant maxipad with his outfit.
He admits that there’s no Greece here, but hopes that the grease in his hair will save him. Delusional Don, or Minnesota, says that being on Project Runway will finally get him taken seriously on job interviews cuz he doesn’t have a degree. LOL. Yes, reality show hackdom is the one thing all great fashion directors look for on a resume. When you go to H&M and are helped by Epperson, you can ask him how that theory worked out for him. You know what? If having a degree is that important to you, GET ONE. For chrissakes already. He has bitched about being uneducated every episode, like everyone else got school under their trees one year and he got a bag of dog poo. Those eyebrows might keep you from getting laid at school, but you’ll still be let into the building.
Time for the runway! Heifer Heidi comes out dressed in leatha after a hot oil treatment. All better! Kors, of course, is here, and it seems he’s stopped concentrating on overall face work and really focused in on the lips. Those things look like fat fingers dipped in crisco.
The guest judge is Milla Jovovich! And she’s as cute as ever.
Although not cute enough to get me to sit through The Fourth Kind. That movie looks retarded.
Straight Guy is up first with Hollywood. No. North Hollywood, maybe. Way north.
Like Van Nuys Target North.
He seemed to be on track with his loose cotton shirt from before, but he’s watered it down and it looks like he bought it at TJ Maxx. Althea made some fancy casual beachwear. Short shorts and a transparent ruffle jacket. Meh. She said earlier that she can’t believe no one’s designed this before, and they totally have. You can find this in hotel gift shops all over the beach cities next to the eight dollar bags of M&Ms. Snore.
Feather Duster’s work turned out way better than we were led to believe it would. The detailing on the bottom of his slick pants is great and he went out of his way to do something different to the simple white tee.
Is it kinda boring? Yes, but that’s how it goes this season and in Feather’s case, boring is actually a step up. Carol Hannah made a plain jane stopping at Publix dress for her model that we’ve seen eight million times in way better fabric. BOooooooo!
Minnesota’s dress actually does look better as a skirt, but the colors are hidey and that belt looks like a preschool craft project. Come on. Four in and still nothing great?
Irina’s next. I could do without the fur vest, but her Kors neck sweater is cute. Done, but cute. And she definitely went for as many browns as she could.
Gordana Topbananahausen has put as much static electricity into her dress as scientifically possible and even in a pony tail her model’s hair is standing on end.
Whatever you do, don’t put gas in your car wearing this outfit.
Once the tissue paper pashmina thing is gone, the dress looks pretty good. Simple, but detailed and refined. Still not sure about the wreath around her neck, but considering we were being convinced this was going to be a disaster, it’s a nice surprise. The knees are staying.
Have some shoulders.
Althea was mediocre enough to be excused from the runway, safe. Milla doesn’t think Irina’s girl would ski at all, just play the grande dame of Aspen. Kors loves the eighties version of Aspen, and Heidi calls the pants impeccable. Irina agrees wholeheartedly.
Nina says that Minnesota missed the whole inspiration of Santa Fe. Milla loved the 80′s belt, but Heidi argues that it’s the only interesting thing. How come the eighties has already been used twice as a compliment? They’re trying to brainwash us and I won’t accept it! It might just be cuz the only brand I had access too in that decade was Huskies.
Every judge loves Carol Hannah’s dress, which confuses the hell out of me. Kors says that the only Greece he sees in Feather Duster’s outfit is the movie Grease. Ha. Nina, downright offended by the outfit, says there’s no fantasy and she wouldn’t spend her money on it. Milla likes the top, but thinks he should have made it a dress.
Verycherryhausen’s work is pretty, sexy, sleek and sophisticated, but Milla thinks it’s not simple enough. Man, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Straight Guy says he was going for the Lindsay Lohans of the world, and Nina’s like uh no. Too plain. Heidi thinks it’s decent, and Kors thinks decent is boring. In private time, the judges say they like Irina but she had way too much brown going on. Milla didn’t like Gordana Sunkistlimehausen’s lack of confidence, but admits that she’s very good. Most judges rave about Carol Hannah, but Nina calls it out on being snore.
Milla loved MN’s belt but calls the rest of the outfit sad. Heidi stops her with “it’s just ugly.” HAHA. Kors repeats his Feather Duster Grease joke and then says he can’t believe he would go into a fabric store and choose menswear fabrics. Heidi tries to stand up for Straight Guy, saying she didn’t mind it, but Milla says this isn’t “Project I Didn’t Mind It.” HAHAH. Milla is wearing dog bones around her neck, which kinda kills her credibility but I still love.
Please spay and neuter your movie stars.
The designers are called back out, and Carol Hannah is safe. Irina wins!! Ugh. She says that the only problem with being so awesome is that it’s really hard to top herself. Then a bee stings her and her tongue swells up and she chokes to death. Go bee! Sizzlingcinnamonhausen is safe, but Heidi tells her to stop being such a pussy. Heidi tells the bottom three they’re all talented but they need to not suck as much. Straight Guy’s safe. Oh man please kick off MN!!!! NO!?!?!? AAAAAAARRRRRRGHHGHGHGHGHGH!!! WHO IS HE FUCKING? WHOOOOO? Feather Duster’s outfit was boring, but Minnesota’s was HIDEOUS!! Seriously wtf is going on here?
As he leaves, Milla cries. LOL. Feather Duster says this is the last we’ll hear of him and he’s gonna move to London and become a sheep herder. HAAHA. Tim tells him that his work was executed well and it was a matter of taste. I can’t believe this bullshit. Feather does the Color Purple “I had to fight my daddy, I had to fight my brother, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna fight in my own house!” speech and then gives us a big CYA. Ridiculous.