Project Runway: Maybe the Second Time Will Be Less Lame. Or Not.

Tonight on Project Runway, the show apologizes for all the hacky shit boring ass work of this season by having the designers recreate it. Uh…thanks?

And closing my mouth while I eat.

Feather Duster is gone. This makes me sad. It also makes the apartment very dusty.

He’s been gone a week and the whole city has gone to shit. Call Molly Maid!

Now that pretty much all the kooks have been kicked to the curb, we are left with Straight Guy interviews. If this recap is late, it will be because I fell asleep on my desk.

Blink. Blink.

Straight Guy and Minnesota sit around and talk about derivatives. Kidding! They talk about how weird it is that someone else got kicked off. Minnesota launches into a really sad theory that he’s actually really talented, he just needs to make the judges “get it!” He should just get a sharpie for the next model and write “delusion” all over her naked body. It would be the first outfit in weeks that actually fits.

MN says that during the course of the competition he’s heard great, stunning, awesome, fantastic, and then horrible, we hate it, you’re fat. LOL. God I wish the judges actually said that. His botox sob would be heard around the world.

Over in the girls apartment, everyone’s excited about the progress of the boobies this season. Irina thinks that it’s annoying that the fashion world is so dominated by men. “Women have a point, especially about women’s fashion!” Women have a point about everything. If you think about it, though, men who dominate the fashion world are waaaay in touch with their feminine sides. Irina is way too butch for them. She needs to become more womanly to fit in. Althea will have no problem. As long as she keeps on top of those roots. Cuz gay guys hate roots. I can’t stop typing and I don’t know why. I think cuz my video is paused on this pic.

Althea thinks that the girls are strongest and the boys suck. Along with Gordana Bleucheesehausen. Ouch. That wasn’t very nice, Althea. Drop the bitter and reach for some Pantene. Or a brush. You can’t just put curlers in your hair, take them out, and leave the apartment.

Reign it in, loco.

The designers get to the runway, and are forced to face the wall. Finally. An execution scene.

Minnesota hears rustling behind him and says it’s the most horrifying sound he’s ever heard. God this guy’s a pussy. The rustling was their winning dresses being shuffled out on stage. Now that’s horrifying. If mediocrity scares you.

Fat Hooker Heidingo ate my baby tells them that the challenge will be to create a companion piece for their winning looks. So in other words, they get to put some flies on the piles of poop they’ve dropped this year. Ugh. Please say they only get to work with cocktail napkins or maxi pads or something.

How am I gonna recreate a horde of cockroaches eating a model? That was a total accident!

Straight Guy hasn’t won anything, so he’s just happy the producers picked something for him. It looks like they pulled it out of the trash. Seriously guys. Steamer.

Who’s dressing Heidi this year? She looks like a newspaper that got rained on. Irina says that this challenge should prove who’s really got talent and who lucked into wins. Then she chases the road runner right off a cliff and splatters all over the rocks below.

They’ve only got one day and a hundred bucks for this challenge. Althea made the whore secretary dress with a man’s jacket, so now she’s gonna make a Cruella DeVille wears a bikini top costume. don’t really follow the logic there, but I still don’t understand how the first outfit won to begin with so that’s not surprising.

Get me those puuuuuppppieeeees!

Gordana Ranchhausen has come up with a great sketch, but she never really makes what she sketches so who knows what she’ll come up with? I know that she’s not on the top of the heap in this cast, but I am rooting for her to pull of a win tonight. And to wear a mini skirt. It’s been a long week, and smiling knees always make me feel better.

This will probably be a sequined muumuu by episode end.

MN re-explains the challenge to us, but with Winnie the Pooh eyebrows. The cockroaches attack the quincenera dress thing will be hard to top.

Tonight’s outfit will be a giant can of Raid.

Actually, he’s making a wedding dress being attacked by cockroaches. Gay people need to stop taking their anger about the laws against gay marriage out on innocent anorexics.

Dude it’s not her fault.

The only unique thing about Straight Guy’s non-winning dress was the giant zipper, so today he’s going apeshit with the things and putting them all over the place. I hope he puts one on his mouth so I can stop falling asleep and going back to thinking he’s semi-pretty. MN was going to use the same black shiny material he used the first time, but then a HUGE idea smacked him in the hawk. Silver!! Cuz no one’s gone there this season, Pioneer Petey.

Carol Hannah won in the Mackie challenge with her feathered and beaded dress, so she naturally decides to not use either for the companion piece. Huh? She isn’t sure whether she wants to make another dress or try to make pants. Tim tells her that if she’s in her comfort zone it will help her branch out more creatively. So no pants? And since when does Tim tell people to stay in their comfort zones? The sun is rotting his brain. Multiple shots of Irina standing around giving everyone judgmental looks before a giant plant voiced by Levi Stubbs bites her head off.

Back at the workroom, Carol Hannah tells us that she’s lost and has no ideas. She also can’t see, because the twenty pounds of mascara she’s got on have shut her eyes like a newborn puppy’s.

Put her in a box outside. Someone’ll take her.

Irina goes into her spiel about her first outfit being for a lady in Aspen sipping champagne at the lodge. The only women dressed like that in Aspen lodges are old ladies trying to hide their waddles with bigger waddles so they can still sell their vaginas. Just saying.

I want my percentage, ho!

This dress will be more clean and polished. Whatever. It will be incredibly sewn snore. Althea is working on some funky pants, and when Straight Guy sees them he calls them “Malvin pants.” LOLOLOLLLLLLLLLL. I think that’s the first time Straight Guy’s made me laugh, and he’s spot on.

Clip of Tim mortified during Malvin’s “chicken thighs” pitch. LOL. Althea gets all pissy about it, as she should. But once she gets over that, I hope she listens to him. He tells us that this is a totally different experience for him cuz back in Idaho he’ll get his hands all greasy working on his car and then a dress, and now he gets his hands all greasy running his hands through his hair and then making a dress.

Gordana Thousandislandhausen tells us that she’s from a tiny village on the border of Bosnia and Serbia with uneducated potato farmer parents. I wonder if she cries every time she orders a baked potato at the Wendy’s drive thru. I’m not really buying that her little village was as poor and out of the loop as she suggests, because she totally had a bowl cut and that was the Rachel cut for kids in her time.

The Rockefellerhausens

Carol Hannah is getting some work done, but she can’t commit on where she wants to go. MN has bought thirty yards of fabric, as he does in most challenges. Straight Guy, right again, points out that MN is all about volume and does it every time. Most people would call this hacky, but MN is positive that when his work comes down the runway the judges will say “That’s a Minnesota piece!” He says this like that’s a good thing. Then he takes another inch off his eyebrows while Straight Guy gossips with Carol Hannah about how all of his fabrics look cheap. Wow. Straight Guy’s kind of a really bright toothed Irina with a peepee. I kinda like it on him. The personality, not the peepee. I haven’t seen that. But I have a feeling the producers have. Multiple times. How else would he even still be here?

Tim comes to check on progress and starts with Carol Hannah. She feels like her work so far is a “big scary mess.” Tim says “you aren’t gonna get an argument from me.” LOL. She has a green fabric that she hasn’t used yet, so he suggests she put it under the black and then they decide it’s gonna be gorge. I don’t know. Tim’s a little off this season, but it’s gotta be better than the bs she has going now.

Irina is going to stick with her giant sweater thing and this time pair it with a little dress. Tim is in love and has nothing to offer but a meeting between his nose and her cornhole. Tim thinks MN’s work looks too mother of the bride, but he loves the original dress so he has no credibility with me on this one.

Tim’s not too thrilled by Althea’s Malvin pants, telling her they look like they’re leaving room for a giant diaper. It’s called a niche market, Tim.

Tim gets over to Straight Guy and opens with “I’m getting excited already!” He must be referring to how SG’s butt looks in those skinny jeans, cuz that outfit is fug. Goofy clown music plays as SG shows off his zipper collar, and Althea gets pissy cuz Tim just dissed her and then walked over to SG and complimented him on ripping off the collar she made on the Christina Aguilera challenge. I don’t remember what anyone’s made this season (except for the pregnant egg thing) so I don’t know what she’s talking about, but the editors are on it and she’s totally right. Rip off!

Althea says she’s annoyed but thinks she did it better so she lets it drop. Tim never catches on and thinks Straight Guy is going to have some WOW factor. Which means Straight Guy will probably lose. Tim is trying to not throw up all over Gordana Fatfreebalsamicvinegrettehausen’s work while Irina and Althea snipe about how Logan is a collar robber. They do this while demonstrating why they’ll both be single for a loooooong time.

Althea was like the nicest contestant EVAH, but now she’s with Irina and the biatch is coming out in full force. Love it. She says she hates Straight Guy and Irina goads her into confronting him, because she’s Irina. She starts choking on a chicken bone but luckily Althea is there to give her the Heimlich. Unfortunately, right after she shoots the bone out, it bounces off a wall and ricochets back at her, stabbing her right through the eye.

Tim is now telling Peanutoilandlemonhausen that if she’s gonna go fug, then go for BIG fug. This pleases her, and she gets back to work so she can buy her village a new cow. Tim sends the models in for fittings. Irina takes one looks at Minnesota’s dress and asks “why is one dress throwing up the other?” LOL. Too bad she has to die all the time, cuz bitch is funny. Althea takes her model time to moan about Straight Guy stealing her shit. Yeah, just keep working on those chicken thigh pants, honey. The next morning, Carol Hannah reminds me of someone from another show, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. I’ve seen this kind of sickness but I don’t know where…

Intervention

Everyone talks about how stressed they are, and Straight Guy shows off his silver shoes that he got like twenty years ago and walked to Los Angeles in, apparently. Buy some new shoes, hobo!

The girls check on each other’s progress, and when I say girls I mean Irina. Carol Hannah is way behind, but Gordana Baconbitshausen is confident that she can kick Irina’s ass, and tells her so with an air kick. LOL. I think that’s the first time Irina’s ever laughed at something besides other people’s misfortune. Well done, Gordy! Now rest.

Ow my assenhausen!

Over at the workroom, Althea is running into issues with her hand sewn sweater. Ceasarhausen needs a hook and eye, and Irina blows her off because…wait for it…she’s not here to make friends! Finally. I was worried that we were gonna get through a season without someone saying that. I can’t imagine a situation that Irina would be somewhere to make friends, but I imagine she’d see a lot of this.

She tells us how being an asshole is a totally respectable goal and then walks around being an asshole some more. Straight Guy says her nickname is MeanaIrina. Thoughtful, but I’ll just stick with hag. He wants the judges to knock her down a few pegs, but it’s not looking like that will happen any time soon, especially when her competition is, well, Straight Guy’s ilk. Models come in for more fittings and Althea tells us how she’s shocked the judges haven’t called Carol Hannah out on being a one trick pony yet. Well I’m surprised that on a show employing so many homos no one’s offered to help you with your dry ass bird nest roots. The night is full of surprises!

Straight Guy says that Gordy Orangegingerhausen’s work looks like his grandma’s couch. Except uglier. Dang! Everyone became evil! I like it when there’s just one person to hate. Otherwise it’s a lot of typing. By the way, does anyone else smell feet right now? New shoes. Please. Minnesota tells us sure he’s been beat up by the judges a bit, but he’s still here which of course must mean it’s destiny! LOLOLOLLL. I wonder if he will feel the same thing in a couple of months when he’s super sizing value meals.

Althea has calmed down about Straight Guy copying her zipper collar, and now her stance is that it’s probably not intentional. Gee, I wonder what brought her to such a revelation. Irina points out to us that Althea is copying her look from last week, and she’s not so buddy buddy with her now. “Are you drunk? Are you insane?” To copy the turkey waddle sweater, she must be both.

Irina and Althea could team up and make an entire line based on Sharpeis.

Time for the show! Heidi has lost her fucking mind. What is she doing to herself? And why is she giving such an obvious shout out to Straight Guy with those shorts?

The next baby is going to come out looking like a schnitzel.

OMG! Nick is a guest judge!! I think that right there speaks for the season. Very nice, boring, done, and completely unmemorable. Nina tries to smile, which is uncomfortable for everyone, and then we meet the other guest judge, the L’Oreal spokesmodel. WTF? Bring back Zoe or Jen! Running low on budget? Next week the guest will be the Hamburglar.

Carol Hannah is first with her simple black ballerina cocktail dress. Where’s the green? She got another chance to do a Mackie and she put out one of the most boring pieces of the season.

Althea transitioned her first whore secretary look into a whore secretary that gave up the grind of the city and became an art teacher who likes to ride horses on the weekends look. They aren’t Malvin pants, and they aren’t really the pants from her sketch either. Riding pants, a tank top and shawl sweater. And nipples. Lots o nipples.

Straight Guy made a cool (rip off) collar, and it goes downhill from there. This girl doesn’t know whether she wants to drink, run, or whip someone. All three are great activities, but they should never be performed at the same time.

Damn Irina has another good one. Her sweater jacket thing calls back to the original sweater, but there’s a well made short dress underneath and her model looks gorge. DAMN. The only thing that makes me feel better is the alien that pops out of Minnesotta’s stomach and rips her face off.

The hips are that camel color instead of the rest of the print, and that looks busted, but otherwise well done. Gordana Anchovievinegarhausen has made a paralegal jacket and a black skirt. Ouch. Way to lift the bar, Gordy. I was hoping you’d stay for awhile!

Minnesota is next. The top is a simple formal black dress with a plunging v neck. It’s boring and done and easy and lame, but then the bottom is a prairie dress with a silver boa stapled to it. Sdpgoihaspofgq[vn God how can they still suck this hard? It’s almost the end people! COME OOOON.

If you’re going to an awards show celebrating those little metal dish scrubber things, this is your dress. It’s just missing some bits of old cheese and burnt chicken fat.

He tells us how not safe or simple this look is and how proud of himself he is as Nina gives the dress this look.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

My guess Irina wins Minnesota goes, which means none of that will happen. The judges start with him. Nina thinks the proportion is wrong and the model looks like a carnival float. Heidi likes the top but thinks the bottom looks like bed sheets and L’Oreal says it looks like two dresses. She is too nice to say two ugly dresses.

Nick calls Irina’s work gorge, and L’Oreal would wear it. Nina loves the jacket, but hates the dress underneath. She’s the only one who feels like that though. Dramatic music plays when it’s Gordy’s turn. Uhoh. Heidi asks why she would go from edgy to boring and fug. She tops that by saying the model looks old and drab. L’Oreal hates, Nina hates, and Nick says it looks very “office worker in Warsaw, Poland.” He’s lame. Gordy sticks up for herself by shrugging and saying she likes it.

Everyone’s into Carol Hannah’s dress. It’s light and fresh and not boring at all. So. Confused. Straight Guy pitches his dress as being a VMA dress. Nick calls it Judy Jetson and Nina says it looks like a student project. Heidi wants to buy Althea’s work, but she’s wearing silver bermuda shorts, so there you go. Heidi asks whether she or Irina came up with the big sleeved sweater thing first, and then it gets good.

Irina jumps in and says she came up with it first, like last week, and there’s been a little “resembling” going on in the workroom. Irina’s not so good with the Englie. Nick tries to calm her with “that happens sometimes”, but Irina says she doesn’t get how that would happen in the workroom with only six people and Althea should have noticed. Slam! Althea has one thing on her side: a seemingly sweet personality. She just smiles and shrugs and says this was her original sketch and she didn’t change anything to copy Irina. The judges don’t point out that Irina made this last week, too. They just aw and smile and feel bad for the girl with the square head.

Heidi and Nina both ignore Irina and compliment Althea more. LOL. In alone time, Heidi says that Irina always kicks ass, and Nick repeats a lot of hack comments he’s heard a million times on the show. They all loved Althea’s work too, and Carol Hannah’s work is called beautiful and sweet. On any other season, there would have been original work and that dress would have been called boring and over, but this is now so I will get over it. It is pretty. Lame.

Straight Guy: Nick says “Space Odyssey 2001″. Dude. Make up your own lines. Kors has said that shit a hundred times. He needs to not be a judge, for real. Just because his season was a long time ago doesn’t make him any better. Heidi calls Gordy’s dress the saddest and most drab thing ever. L’Oreal wanted to like Minnesota’s dress (aw!) but didn’t, and Nina calls it horrible. Most boring judges’ session ever. Carol Hannah and Irina are safe, which means Carol Hannah wins!! Irina is so happy for her.

Aneurism.

Althea says that she doesn’t know what Irina was talking about with the whole “resembling” thing, but she sure showed her nasty ass insides on the runway. Minnesota’s SAFE!!! WTFALKSdngpalsihvoasidvsn[oghasoigh goddammit that’s frustrating! HE BLOOOOOOWS! Heidi is in silver shorts, which means Gordana Southwestchipoltehausen is out. NO! SHE’S IN!! Straight Guy is out!! Wow. So two surprises right in a row. Straight Guy is surprised that he’s going home, and I am too. Not that he didn’t completely suck it, but still. Ah well, I guess you just don’t have DESTINY on your side. I will be looking for him next time I go to get my oil changed.