Project Runway: Poor People Are Losers

Tonight on Project Runway, some of the most beautiful art on Earth inspires a pile of crap you’ll never remember. Well, at least this season’s CONSISTENT.

Time to slaughter the donuts.

For a nice change of pace, we don’t open today with the girls talking about how nuts it is that there’s one less person around. Instead, we open with Althea feeling awkward after Irina called her out for stealing her old lady Aspen sleeves last week. She is pissed about it, but no one in their right mind would start shit with Irina cuz that’s a no win (especially when the accusation was pretty spot on). Instead, Althea takes it out her poor, dry ass hair.

The Angry Hedgehog

Irina smiles big as she tells us what she’s learned from all the silence in the apartment: people would rather you talked shit behind their back. Duh. As Kathy Griffin always says, “it’s called MANNERS.” Minnesota is still here, which is just inexcusable. Making it worse are his eyebrows, which are now waxed completely to his temples. He’s turning into a koi fish right before our very eyes.

Minnesota can’t believe he’s the last boy standing. I’ll wait while you guys argue with the TV, pat him on the head and aw and pout and tell him he’s super talented. No one? Ok then let’s move on. Gordana Flinstonehausen is psyched to be here for the last challenge and wants to make herself proud as well as her family and all the potato farmers in Bosnia. Their last pat on the back occasion was the invention of tater tots, and that was a long time ago. Not that time can diminish the stunning impact the tater tot has had on our world.

We are clued in that something has changed today when Fat Whore Heidi comes out dressed……not like a clown or a wet newspaper. She could actually go out in this!!

All I can see are silver Bermuda shorts. I think that’s gonna take a long time to leave my head.

For the last challenge, they are being sent to a place rich in culture with priceless views. I already used a PeopleofWalmart picture, so I’ll just leave that one alone.

The designers go to meet Tim at the Getty Museum and, our boy launches into a spiel about being embraced by Los Angeles. Oh, Tim. You’re new here. Los Angeles embraces you and then calls you fat behind your back. Don’t fall for it! He’s with today’s special guest, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa. Ugh. Only an out of towner would celebrate this douchebag. Tim’s car will probably hit a pothole on the way back to his hotel and he’ll rethink this move. I wonder if this was shot before or after this cover was.

Carol Hanna thinks the mayor showing up is a sign that this show is very, very serious. Because it’s really hard to get mayors, especially the mayor of the vainest city in the country, to show up where there are TV cameras. And how much of our tax dollars were spent on the five pounds of lipstick he’s wearing? Calm down, Mimi!

Tim tells them that they don’t necessarily have to be inspired by art. They can use inspiration from the grounds and the architecture of the building instead. I predict lots of illegal gardener uniforms. The models will be on hand today as “muses”, because four additional blank personalities will add to the show. Thank goodness. I was worried that this episode might not have enough “OMG LOL CUUUTE LIKELIKELIKELIKELIKE”s in it. I hope we get shots of them passing by the snack bar all horrified. The museum is gorgeous, and it will be amazing to see how these designers take majestic art and turn it into bland cigarette pants for old ladies who work at Saks.

I smell a muumuu!

Carol Hannah is stunned by the beauty, but her model is a little confused.

It’s all so….old. What’s the thread count?

Tim announces that they have thirty minutes to sketch, and the models all start running off like they just can’t wait to whip out their crayon boxes. Stupid models. The grounds are within the boundaries of the challenge, and this is where Althea really starts to get inspiration from her muse. Even if it’s a little on the nose.

Black and shiny.

Irina finds inspiration in a painting of a chunky pasty chick in a see through dress. I don’t know if I need the see through part, but it’s fun watching her try to make her model feel fat.

Life was easier before the word “carbs” came into play. This woman would be closet bingeing in 2009 and making tiny cuts on her inner thighs.

Minnesota doesn’t bother trying to actually understand in the art. Instead, he focuses on the algae on the fountain outside. LOL. Gordana Jetsonhausen looks all over the museum for a painting of a potato, but when she can’t find one she sticks with a Monet piece that reminds her of Europe. It’s very grey. I’m rooting for Gordy to whip out something brill today and move on to the finals, but I have a feeling Minnesota has made a deal with Satan, and Irina’s not the type to go back on a contract.

Over at mood, Gordana Smurfenhausen is predictably pulling lots of different greys, so she can “manipoolate” them into looking like the floor of a cathedral. The only thing Tim can scrunch his face at is Minnesota’s green fabric. He asks “what is this?” disgustedly, and Minnesota moves his eyebrows five more inches apart and says “that would be an accent.” Is MN throwing attitude? Snapple. Tim needs to be allowed to carry a switchblade.

Kiwi Teawi flavored.

Irina has found fur she likes. Tim says it looks like it came from a giant Scandanavian rabbit. Good! Another chance to make a cheap hooker fur. Glad to see everyone spreading their wings today. Like chickens. Back at the workroom, everyone looks really bored with Tim’s sameness. Once he leaves, Gordy Griffinhausen tells Irina that Heidi will probably take points off for not painting a picture on her dress “cuss she vants to be leeterally?” LOL Gordy.

MN says that for a small town hack like him, coming to LA and “performing” and then moving on to Bryant Park would be just UNBELIEVABLE!! Agreed. Not that small town people can make something of themselves, but that he can. The thought of it is so breathtaking that he tries to move his eyebrows back another few inches so we’ll get it.

Althea’s feeling super awkward and lonely cuz Gordy and Irina have become buddy buddy and MN and Carol Hannah are friends, which leaves her as a fifth wheel. But the feelings of loneliness have inspired her to leave her hair alone for a day, so I’m all for it.

Feeling like an outcast has saved your follicles.

Irina bitches that Althea is taking up three tables and she has to look at her ugly mug in front of her, behind her, and beside her so “her highness can iron.” Althea asks Carol Hannah if Irina’s being mean about the tables. Carol Hannah tries to stare straight ahead and mutters “what’s the point?” Irina just gives them both dirty looks. Then a horde of wild boars stampede into the workroom and rip her limb from limb.

Gordy tells Irina that “da dogs dat bark done bite,” and Irina giggles loudly and says that it’s the cute quiet ones that bite your fingers off. You’ve gotta at least kinda feel a little bad for Irina, cuz you know that dogs who are generally nice probably have attacked her many times in the past and she’s never been able to figure out why. I don’t like that Gordy is teaming with this c word. How long will it be before she’s cut off at the dimpled knees on the runway by her new bf? Concentrate on your floor dress and leave the witch alone, Muppetbabyhausen!

Later, at the apartment, Irina and Doratheexplorerhausen are play fighting and Carol Hannah tells them to stop. They insist they are just kidding and Carol Hannah says she doesn’t wanna hear it anymore. Gordy gets up and snaps “too bade! We are note hear to serve you!” DANG! Where did my sweet lovable unintelligible friend go? I went from being in love to hoping she gets sent back home with a hoe and a bottle of ketchup.

The next day, Irina tells us that her family is from the Republic of Georgia, where women are not the breadwinners. Her dad is stressed that she’s twenty six and looks thirty seven and doesn’t have a husband. Poor guy’s not gonna die very happy if that’s what he’s waiting for. Who would marry the witch you raised, man? Immigrant families always lose a little something when they move to America. In this case, I suspect that the whole “beat your children when they act like unbearable little trolls” thing went out the window. And does that really make better adults? No. No it doesn’t. So my advice stands: children need to get hit. Thank you for your time.

Tim comes in to check on progress and starts with Minnesota. He’s going with grey UGH from the fountain. Then he’s gonna add algae and some paper planes. I’m not kidding. And I love that even his worst ideas are stolen from other people. Tim warns him against confusing the judges and MN smiles and proudly says “I do that a lot.” I just press pause and sit back and shake my head. Deep Breath. And….play.

Tim finally succumbed to the lure of botox. I DON’T APPROVE!! I WANT MY SCRUNCH FACE BACK!!!

Tim loves the bed Carol Hannah was inspired by, but not the dress she’s making, which looks nothing like the bed. He tells her that she’s losing the sophistication. She needs to literally copy the giant feather powder puffs from the bed, for entertainment purposes alone. Irina’s next, and she’s making a Rami dress to pair with the same f ing thing she’s made the past two weeks, but this time with worse fur. It looks like one of those things in Where the Wild things Are aged and became a medium priced hooker.

I can show you a good time.

Tim hates what Irina’s doing. He calls the jacket roadkill and doesn’t think the dress looks anything like the painting. Together they’re giving him “a post apocalyptic moment.” Irina gets oh shit face and Gordy goes into supportive friend mode.

AYLOAYL

Althea’s going with the curvy outside of the building, but Tim’s not impressed with the way she’s texturing the dress. He is loving Gordy’s grey grey grey and grey dress though, because at least it’s following the painting. Spongebobenhausen gets all emotional and says that this painting is very important to her because she’s super spiritual and the colors are angelic. I might fall for this too if she hadn’t acted like a twat the first half of the episode. Tim loves it more than anything he’s seen today, which means she will probably get sent home.

Models come in for fittings. Carol Hannah thinks that Althea’s in trouble cuz she chose a fabric that puckers all over the place. MN tells his model that he’s the wacky weird guy that doesn’t listen and does whatever he wants so he can understand if she’s scared. I think he’s waiting for her to pat his hawk and tell him that no he’s really super talented and reading books about fashion or learning things isn’t important…..but she doesn’t.

Irina takes Tim’s advice and ditches the roadkill coat, deciding instead to concentrate on defugging her Rami dress. Althea thinks Popeyehausen is making a gorgeous dress, but it’s too simple for the last challenge. Then she takes a moment from her own nightmare to build up her self confidence.

Girls, we’re gonna get through this.

The next morning, God takes his phone off the hook and hides.

Please. Stop. Calling me.

Then everyone tells us how nervous they are and Scoobyhausen gets me back on her side with a mini-skirt. I’ve missed those knee smiles!

And….back in love.

Back at the workroom, time for model fittings. MN says that his dress encompasses who he is. I agree. Misshapen, ill fitting, and poorly made. All it’s missing is a bad wax job and a tub of pomade. Irina calls out his false confidence. And next it’s time to diss how shitty Althea consistently is. Then Will Smith finds a cure for cancer that turns her into a zombie and she eats herself.

Tim comes in and says that he wants them to blow Nina’s stilettos off like she sat on a traffic cone. Runway time! Fat Slut comes out dressed like a really old period.

Today’s guest judge is Cynthia Rowley! HOLLER! I love her and am still pissed that she got fired from Design Star for that hack Genevieve. Glad to see her looking better than ever. I hope she makes it through judging without getting a pink slip.

And wait! There’s another guest judge! Cindy Crawford!! DAMN. This girl looks great. I really need to start eating stem cells for breakfast.

Kors couldn’t even make it for the last show? COME ON! Althea is first, and her dress moves like a really shiny placemat. The top is just a piece of fabric that’s tucked in. Ouch. Her worst of the season. Bad timing on this one.

Carol Hannah follows. Exact same fabric. WTF? They see what each other are doing right? The model looks like an insecure moth trying to squeeze back into its cocoon once it realized it never turned into a beautiful butterfly.

Minnesota’s dress is prettier than his usual fare. The top is his typical Victorian era costume piece and the stiff cardboard dress never quite came together in the fit department so he just made a giant centerpiece to tie around the model. Ducktaleshausen tells us how her own work makes her teary because it’s so spiritual. LOL. Did she just learn that word cuz she’s used it 500 times today. Personally I think it looks like a road leading to nowhere, but some would say that’s life and it’s not where the road leads it’s how you spend the time on that road. WOWEE it is spiritual!!

Check out the look Althea is giving Irina’s dress.

HAHAHAHAHAH

Irina’s dress looks like the woman in the painting moved to Los Angeles, lost sixty pounds, and lined her old clothes cuz she didn’t have a waitressing job yet to pay for new duds.

Thanks, Lindora!

Three will be making it to fashion week! I thought it was four. Wow so that means MN and Althea will go, right? There I said it, so they’re safe. Cindy calls Althea brave for her pleating and Cynthia thinks it’s too ambitious. Having so many guest judges is bad because a judge really needs some time to live up to their full evil potential. By her third try, I’d like to think Cindy would curse like a sailor and throw up her stem cells all over Althea. Heidi calls it a mess fest.

Nina likes the back of Irina’s dress but thinks the length is old lady. Cindy doesn’t like the model’s shoes and Heidi agrees and says the model would look better without all the accessories. So they make the model take them off, and now she looks like…the same ex fatty without jewelry or shoes.

Peasant Ex Fatty

Heidi thinks Dinkthedinosaurhausen’s dress matches the painting, but Nina says that even though it’s gorgeous it looks like she took no chances. Cynthia isn’t into the big zipper. Nina whispers that it’s better in the front. Why is Nina whispering everything and being so nice? She’s scaring me. More than usual.

Cynthia compliments Carol Hannah on the fit of her dress and the rope-y shoulder. Cyndi thinks it’s perty but not inspired by the art, and Nina whispers that it’s too safe. Cynthia loves MN’s top but the bottom is a stiff mess. Cyndi agrees, and Heidi says that he’s super talented and asks if he’s confident. Then he confidently smiles and launches into a poetic monologue about being inspired by the little things in life. KIDDING! HE CRIES!!

Pussy.

He says this piece speaks more about him than any other and that the other inspirations were art and he can see the beauty in a rock. Now he’s sobbing and he hugs his model. GOD I HATE HIM. HE BLOWS get rid of his ass and hand him a roll of toilet paper.

Gordy is asked why she should go to fashion week and who she would take. She should go cuz she grew up raising potatoes. Oh wah fucking wah to all of you. It’s not about your pathetic childhoods for chrissakes. Make things that don’t suck. The end. Has anyone ever said “I’m here because I had a wonderful childhood and supportive parents and I’ve worked hard and enjoyed the ride?” No. No they haven’t. Ungrateful little brats! She laughs that she would take MN because he wants it so bad. BOOOOOO bad reason! I want to be Julia Roberts really bad! And guess what? I’m Rue McClanahan instead! WAH ME IT’S MY PARENTS’ FAULT! She would also take Irina because she’s been consistent.

Althea says she’s never been in the bottom and has the skills to make a great line. She would take Carol Hannah and Irina. Carol Hannah says that neither her sob story or her level of want should matter. She should go because she’s good. GOOD ANSWER. She’s talking very robotically and defeatedly. I wish she could focus that energy on a breakdown, cuz it’s hard to root for a dishrag. She would take Minnesota because he’s “different” and Althea because she’s “provoking.”

Irina cries (LOL) and says that she’s from an immigrant family and she wants to prove that hard work can pay off. She has been called mean so she doesn’t like to pick people to come with her (rriiiiight) but says she would take Althea and Transformershausen. Then her tears drip onto her cellphone and she starts jerking around, electrocuted.

Minnesota cries more and says that he hasn’t had many opportunities for success, which would make this the big one. UGH poor you!! Fuck off! You’re a young fairly decent looking white boy born with two hands and two legs. WHY ARE WE SUPPOSED TO FEEL SORRY FOr yOu!!lsdfgaihgoqwirhg CAN’T. LET. GO. If we’re gonna award stuff based on how shitty people have it, this guy should win the whole season.

The designers are sent off the runway to cry all over themselves in the back. The judges all agree that Althea was a mess today, but Nina sticks up for her in general. She calls Irina’s work dowdy, and Heidi thinks MN’s dress looked like a jean dress. Cindy thinks the main problem is he didn’t even see what was wrong with his fabric choice. Heidi calls him a great designer again, which I just don’t get. They all agree that Carol Hannah had the standout. Heidi loves Gordy’s dress, but Nina doesn’t like that she still has no clue who Droopydoghausen is as a designer. She’s SPIRITUAL, Nina! Have you not been listening? The judges have clearly called out the worst work today as being Irina’s, Althea’s and Minnesota’s. Agreed.

Irina’s in!! She smiles, thanks them, and then trips on her way out, falls through the PR drop and strangles herself on it. MN is OUT!! HALLELUJAH! He doesn’t cry because there’s no reason to any more. Faker! GET OUT! Carol Hannah’s in! Oh shit it’s between Althea and Thecompletelymentalmisadventuresofedgrimleyhausen! There’s no way they’re taking Gordy over Althea….and they don’t!! ARGHGHGHGHG. Man Heidi says that Gordy’s work was way better today but overall they have reservations. I thought this was supposed to be judged challenge by challenge. How can they judge on consistency when only one judge has been there every week? That’s some crap. Irina and Althea were both fuggles this week. WHATEVER. I haven’t understood most of the season, so this week I’m just CONSISTENT! YAY I WIIIIIN!!!

Dingbatandthecreepshausen cries and says that she’s proud of herself for getting this far and I don’t give a flying fig what MN says, cuz he’s crying and I can’t look at his stupid face any more. Gordy and MN can keep their I’m poor sob stories to themselves from now on. All we learned today is that poor people are losers. Next week, the first week of the finale brings on the swine flu! Or something.

I’m with ya, sister.