This week on Project Runway, Minnesota erases half his face, Carol Hannah barfs and talks super slowly, and Irina turns her dog into a hooker coat.
I hope you die.
Previously, Heidi discriminated against dimpled knees and Minnesota got back some tears. Today we open with Chunky Monkey Heidi smiling and congratulating the girls for making it to the end, even though two of them would have gone home last week if this were any other season and the judging was done on a case by case basis. The final challenge will be to make a twelve piece line with $9000, as ushe, and yay this is my favorite time of the season because we get to see where these wack jobs came from. I predict Althea’s parents will look like the beaver couple from The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe, Carol Hanna’s parents will be named Bobert Redford and Moolia Roberts, and Irina’s parents will hide in the bathroom the whole time yelling for Irina to take her dirty American cameras and her slutty t-shirts with short sleeves out of their house and stop shaming them on national TV.
Tim joins Heidi on the runway and talks about how proud he is of them. He seems sincere, but we all read the articles preceding the season where he talked about how mortified he was by the lack of talent the whole time. As they leave, Heidi and Tim do a little dance. I don’t think we’ve ever seen Tim shake his butt before, and since this is in shadows I suspect that they used a body double.
Move this show back to NY before the sun completely obliterates Tim’s pasty brain.
On the other hand, the older gayer more educated segment of the population never got their own iPod commercial, so cheers to diversity.
It’s time to pack up and gtfo, and Althea tells us that she can’t forget how nasty Irina was to her on the runway. So before they leave, she slaps Irina and tells her to learn to be a decent human being in her time off. No. No she doesn’t do that at all. She just gets all fake and prays that Irina doesn’t come back to her in dreams with a razor claw hand and try to kill her.
Love you! Mean it! I’m totally gonna facebook you! Please stop chasing me in my dreams! XO
As she hails a cab, Irina tells us that she knows the other girls are intimidated by her as well they should be. She’s not just bringing out the big guns for the finale, she’s bringing a tank and the whole army! Then a cab loses control and comes barreling right at her. Whew. It hit the curb and went over her head. But as she turns around to watch it crash through a building, she trips off the curb and breaks her neck. Call a medic! She’s still breathing! In all the excitement, someone spills their slushie and it goes down her throat and she drowns.
Ten weeks later, Tim is in some snowy hellhole that promotes working and raising a family. I can’t believe the sign didn’t scare him away.
Carol Hannah just moved to the burbs to work on her collection. She moved from South Carolina cuz being closer to NYC would make her feel more fabulous, or something. Also, because Charleston has the same welcome sign so she feels right at home. She’s moved into her friend’s house, and Carol Hannah is one of those rare smart starving artists who has friends who are way richer than her. I should try that some time. Poor friends are lame and it’s no fun to stay with them cuz they mostly get their furniture off the street and it smells like pee.
I don’t think Carol Hannah’s cat is very happy in richer friend’s house, cuz it looks like it’s ready to pounce and kill someone.
Once Carol Hannah is done showing Tim the special room under the stairs which houses her 18,000 pounds of mascara, she takes him up to the room her collection lives in. There’s lots of black in this one, but she went to Duke University and was inspired enough by the architecture to make a couple of really cool pieces. I have a feeling there were a lot of dirty toilets at that place, cuz she’s been inspired to make a human toilet brush dress, which is….artistic? Sanitary? I can’t look at this thing without imagining the future tiny flecks of poop stuck in it, and it’s grossing me out.
Sponsored by Scrubbing Bubbles.
She has a crazy tacky glitter belt to go with the Scrubbing Bubbles dress and Tim’s like, yeah no don’t do that please. She adds too much crap to her stuff and he warns her against doing it at the finale. She says that she’s trying to move past formalwear, but all we are shown is formalwear, so who knows? We are also shown a big grid of her past work, and the only one I remember is the Mackie dress, and I think I remember it because it reminded me of a giant grackle and those birds scare me. Because I’m weak.
Carol H has a surprise for Tim. A night at the only gay bar within a fifty mile radius? A basket of bubble bath? A Starbux gift card? NO! A visit from her family for a traditional Southern meal! And he has to help cook it?
Oh hayell no. I’m not paid enough for this crap. I had more fun when Kenley threatened to throw her cat at me. At least I got to leave after.
Wow. Carol Hannah’s mom looks a decade younger than her daughter. I’ll have whatever this woman is eating.
Did she show you the mascara room? We’re so proud of her.
Tim was apparently prepared for this moment, because he brought his own apron from home.
Usually he just wears this with tightie whities, but the producers said no. ;(
Carol H tells us what an awkward kid she was. Everyone on TV says that, because they think it makes them more accessible to the generally fug public, but dang. She’s not kidding. Well, at least she wasn’t alone.
I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and make fun of these kids.
It’s dinner time! Which means time for another mascara application.
Carol Hannah’s dad talks about how proud he is of his baby, and Carol H tells us that even though she gets insecure about not being formally trained like the other designers, she’s proud of what she’s taught herself and of how far she’s come. Then there’s a sweet outdoor scene with Tim hugging her and telling her how proud he is of her and how much he loves her. AW!! This was all very touching, and I hate them for it. I want to call my daddy!! OK I tried and it went to voicemail. Sad horns. It’s probably a good thing. If I got all mushy he would accuse me of drinking or “doing pot” and threaten to cut me out of the will if I didn’t get my shit together. Again.
I love you. Now seriously. Tell me where around here I can find some peen. My ass is on fire.
Next, Tim arrives at the front door of Irina’s Upper East Side apartment building. He buzzes her number and says it’s him, and then she says “who? who? Who? I can’t hear you? Stay there!” and balloons filled with cat poop drop on his head.
Irina tells us how Tim’s opinion means a lot to her, even though it got a lot of people kicked off this season. It’s not surprising at all to learn that Irina has a tiny white poodle named Princess that tries to bite anyone who comes into her apartment. You know she goes everywhere with that little fucker in a knockoff Chanel purse.
Don’t worry, you’re safe. No man will ever try to replace you. Especially this one.
Irina’s inspiration is Cony Island. EW! The first time I went there was the first time I was offered sex for pay, drugs, and a child. All in one day. That place is skanky. But Irina’s going for it, down to the cheesy tourist t-shirts.
She’s also sketched out a roly poly shell hooded jacket and of course, some lucky rabbit fur for her Denny’s Hooker collection.
This model will be instructed to go fetal at the edge of the runway.
The Grande Dame of the Grand Slam. Eggs and fuckin’ for under ten bucks!
Tim’s like uh…….just don’t force it. She’s disappointed that he didn’t tell her she was the next fashion supastah, but when she instructs her rat dog to sick, it won’t do it. Instead, it begs Tim to take her with him before Irina turns her into a coat for an old lady prostitute.
Thankfully, Tim gets to meet her friends and family at a restaurant and doesn’t have to suffer from their cooking. Irina says that her family is counting on her and her sister to make up for their non-stardom. Her mom is sweet, kinda. I think she’s being backhanded when she says “I always believed Irina would become somebody.” It’s like she’s thinking twice before adding…
…and she sure became….somebody.
And man, she looks like Irina’s twin! There are some hot moms on the show today. Well, she looks like Irina, but still.
Mom says Irina called her the other day saying she was too stressed out to sleep or eat. The advice? You have to win. Period. LOL. Tim calmly says that no matter what, Irina’s already a winner! Irina’s mom goes with the bs pop psych American mumbo jumbo and says that as her mother, she’s a winner too for having such a great daughter. Unless she loses. In which case she will still be a winner mother with a loser daughter. Touching!
Irina says that her mom is great but her dad isn’t supportive and would rather trade a fleet of goats for a decent son in law than watch her try to make money and be independent and stuff. Tim leaves the city and moves on to Dayton, Ohio, to visit Althea. She had her roots done a few weeks ago and had a hot oil treatment.
Her inspiration is from sci-fi movies that she watched when she got home. The first piece she shows Tim is an Irina jacket. Either she’s an idiot and forgot that almost this exact same jacket is what started the bs on the runway in the first place, or she’s preparing to fuck with Irina’s mind and force her into breakdown mode. I hope it’s the latter, but it’s Althea so my money’s on idiot.
Tim loves the piece and thinks she should stick to knits. He isn’t as into the next jacket she shows him because it’s too old looking and costumey. He gives that one an emphatic no, but thinks that some of her work is great. I think that she should keep the jacket, if only to cover this monstrosity.
Althea takes Tim to her family home. Hot boyfriend alert!!
I love Althea’s mom because she’s already holding a giant glass of wine. It reminds me of home!
Replace this glass with a straw coming out of box of pinto grigio and put some red hair on her and we’ve got my mom!
Her friends and family are super sweet and super boring so I don’t know what to say. FF. 10 days until fashion week. Tim calls up Irina, who luckily trapped one of the camera men in her apt during the initial visit.
Please. Let me call my family at least. HELP!
Irina can’t use any of the Coney Island images because they’re trademarked. Ouch!! Irina gets super stressed about it, but this could have just saved her ass cuz those images are busted and no rich person in NY likes to be reminded of Coney Island.
Time for the designers to come back! Althea and Irina hug big, and I have to give Irina credit for putting her money where her mouth is with this giant sleeved fur hooker coat.
After the fake squealing and hugging, there’s a super long awkward moment of silence as they stare at each other and hope that there’s a fire in the building or something. Althea tells us that she doesn’t trust Irina as far as she can throw her. Irina says that she distanced herself from Althea after LA but she still likes everyone at the end. Yeah cuz they were nice to you, ho! The awkwardness continues as they are stuck on the couch together. Carol Hannah never shows up. Have you guys seen the preview for Nine? CAN. NOT. WAIT.
Tim comes to see them at the hotel to announce that Carol Hannah is sick with a contagious stomach virus. They’re like aw yay champagne!! Irina gives the most touching toast ever.
To one less skank! Cheers!
Later, she giggles and says she feels bad about Carol Hannah. Althea admits that she’s kinda glad there might be only two of them. HAHA. They decide that they will be best friends or worst enemies, which is what friendship is based on, eh? The next day, the awkwardness continues in the workroom and Carol Hannah shows up! She feels like crap, and she senses that the other two are pissed that she didn’t die. Irina says something about them being the Three Musketeers, and then Carol Hannah throws up on her face so much that the acid from the vomit burns it off and leaves poor Irina dead and headless.
Tim comes in to check on progress and starts with Althea. He finds a new piece to call “old lady”, and I am offended for Liza cuz she has worn this piece every time I’ve seen her in concert.
Tim thinks that her collection is too all over the place and it’s needs more cohesion. He says that he doesn’t want to derail her, he just doesn’t want her to suck and put Hillary Clinton clothes out. Irina smiles big and when Tim is out of earshot, she calls Althea out on copying her jacket again. Althea smiles and says “like yeah, like mentally?” Um…yeah? I guess that counts. She says that the last person she wants to steal from is Irina. Then STOP DOING IT.
Carol Hannah is all sickly, and pulls out her least favorite piece. Tim suggests she ditch the jacket even though the dress underneath is too simple. There’s an old lady piece in her collection too, but he thinks it could be saved with styling. Althea tells us that Carol Hannah’s piece is very her and she’s not threatened by it. Snapple: Crispy Hair Flavor. Althea needs to rethink that, cuz this one piece of Carol Hannah’s is better than anything we’ve seen by Althea so far.
Tim moves on to Irina and dramatic music plays. She says she’s worked so hard that she’s numb. She re-did the t-shirts, but now the problem is that everything she’s got is black and black people have that trademarked. She says that she’s used lots of different textures, but Tim can’t unscrunch his face. He thinks that her finale dress isn’t together yet and she has a long way to go. Althea gets all excited and thinks this means Irina’s in troubs. Then she sketches everything Irina’s made and tries to figure out how she’s gonna copy twelve outfits in a couple days.
Time for the model auction! Debbie from The Next Food Network Star is on hand to help.
Soul to Seoul, babay!
The winning models will get to walk the runway, and the losers will be turned into fois gras for the reception. Not much drama here, but great names.
So your sheets will always smell fresh.
Back in the workroom, Nina and Kors come in to give them advice. Nina is dressed in a really fancy skeleton shirt.
I hope you’re here to give advice on a good tanning bed or something, cuz no one’s gonna listen to your creepy ass about fashion right now. You look like an xray.
Irina says she’s so excited to hear their advice. LOL yeah right let’s wait to see how you feel once they’ve given it. Nina and Kors tell them to be themselves and stuff. Althea asks what order they should send their work out in, and Kors wants to be taken on a ride. Down up down up. Thanks for the boner killer, Korsy! Nina wants to see some new and fresh colors, which of course Irina has to disagree with at this point. Thanks for your advice! Now sit on it so deeply your stilettos will fly off, Golem!
Workroom. Carol Hannah talks really slowly about not feeling good. Ew. Sick people are gross and need to be shut away from the rest of us. Unless it’s me. Then I will go to as many public places as possible and cough and delight in other people’s discomfort. Model fittings! Models try on clothes! How do these girls sustain a whole separate series? Every time they walk in I can feel the air in my living room being sucked out. Heidi and Tim come in with a big surprise! Althea does to. She’s the Joker!
They have to create one more look!! The designers are shocked, which is dumb of them. They’re muse model will be casting their final model for them. And now for another surprise! Straight Guy, Gordana Hiltonhausen, and Minnesota are brought back to assist! Minnesota looks like he has discovered how to Photoshop his actual face.
Calm down on the electives, yo! You’re starting to look like a sushi chef.
Althea chooses Straight Guy, which is odd cuz he might sabotage her. Irina takes Regencyhausen, which leaves Carol Hannah stuck with Minnesota. Suddenly hugging is on limits again. She wants him to get sick. Straight Guy starts whipping out advice to Althea, which is funny cuz he never made a good dress the entire time he was on the show. Holidayinnhausen knows Irina won’t listen to a damn thing she says, so she decides her job is to fill Irina with confidence. And hopefully an overdose of oxy.
Everyone is positive and quiet as they get to work, and that night Carol Hannah gets sick and barfs a lot. It’s either the virus rearing it’s ugly head or the fact that Straight Guy hasn’t said one word to her. Next week, Althea has a breakdown and gets snot all over the camera. See you then!