Project Runway Season Finale: Frigid Funeral

Tonight, on the Project Runway Season 6 Finale, bangs lose.

Previously, Carol Hannah’s eyelashes got the swine flu and threw up all day. Will they be able to compete?

Nothin’ but death can keep me from it!!

We open with Carol Hannah dealing with her illness the same way we deal with it in my family. A tiny flask she keeps hidden under her armpit.

Atta girl!

Althea and Irina sit together for breakfast. Althea says that Carol Hannah got sick in the middle of the night, and Irina asks “why?” LOL. Carol Hannah could be on fire and Irina would just pass by muttering about how she can’t start a decent fire. Irina tells us with as much conviction as possible that she feels bad for Carol Hannah but there’s nothing she can do…she stops short of rolling her eyes and buttoning that sentence with “so fuck her”, and I’m proud of her for it.

Carol Hannah walks around sniffling and wahing and talking really slow. WE GET IT! BUCK UP! Straight Guy says he feels bad for her and he’s proud of her and blaaaahhhh. I have my fingers crossed for Laura to storm in and accuse someone of cheating, but I’m not holding my breath. CH’s sniffling gets louder and since there’s not really a whole lot to talk about, the other designers stand around and stare at her uncomfortably.

Somewhere out there, beneath a pale blue sky! Someone’s thinking of me and loving me toniiiight!

Then she starts crying and Minnesota is at her side, hugging her and telling her it’s gonna be ok. She sobs that there’s just too much work to do and “it’s not supposed to goooo like thiiiiis!WAAAHHAHAHAHHHHH!” He hugs her and consoles her, but I think she’s trying to hint that he needs to do more work. If so, he doesn’t get it. He tells us that he’s super glad he’s there today. He may not have been trained in hugs, but he’s gonna give her some anyway. Cuz he’s a fighter, got it? He’s making things worse with that hoodie. It’s probably making her dizzy.

Please let me know if I can do anything! Sew? No. Not trained in that. I can bunch some sheets up around a dress form and hot glue them together like a Little House on the Prairie extra. No? Hmmm. Let’s hug!

Um…yeah ok just do that.

Tim comes in to check on progress. He starts with Irina and likes her first look, but is afraid that boobies might be hanging out.

I can practically flick her areola, mmmkaaaaay?

Althea shows Tim her 13th look. The insecure dress form is so embarrassed by its giant shoulders that it’s covered its face with a big card.

I’m a moooonsteeer!

Tim thinks the shoulders are too eighties, but Althea thinks they’ll add some drama. He’s not buying it, so she starts pitching her smudged messy makeup plan. He stops her and says that Irina was just telling him she’s gonna do the exact same thing. Althea looks uncomfortable and Irina stays quiet, so Tim asks her flat out if she said that or not cuz he doesn’t want the models to look like they just popped out of the same popsicle stick factory. Irina shrugs and says “that’s Althea!” Then a Whammy pops out and punches her in the brain.

There’s an awkward silence as Irina falls to the floor, dead again. Tim says “this will resolve itself” and asks Althea if she’s got any more issues. Gee, I don’t know! You tell her! She starts crying and says she’s overwhelmed with how many ideas there are around her to steal. It’s so hard to just pick one. Tim’s like ugh women and then moves on to Carol Hannah. After a death and some tears, there’s not much she can do to hold his interest. He pats her on the head, compliments her thirteenth look and moves on.

That night, Carol Hannah feels better. We can tell because she’s putting on lots of mascara. Her poor eyelid muscles are gonna just fail one day and she’s not going to understand why she has to go through the rest of her life like a newborn kitten.

The next day, everyone gets some last minute stuff done and the models come in for another fitting. Irina is trying to decide what to put her feature model in cuz that’s what the judges are gonna see the longest in the final judging. She has her girl try on lots of stuff and it all looks the same. Don’t worry, world, you won’t run out of black mini skirts while Irina’s still alive! Wait. A pigeon just flew down her throat and choked her. Pastel knee length dresses it is.

The next day, Tim comes in for a pep talk. Don’t fuck up, the end. You have to give credit to Gordana Friedokrahausen, cuz she’s taking a lot of nagging and crap from Irina and she hasn’t beat her with an old potato yet. Granted, she’s walking super slowly and looks like she’s about to slip into a coma any second, but she hasn’t snapped and that shows some serious strength. The focus isn’t on her, but I’d like to think that every time Irina snaps at her, Macandcheesehausen walks away muttering “fucking stupid beetch” like a disgruntled maid.

OK the editors on this show are just killing me. This is the third time they’ve shown Carol Hannah applying mascara. LOVE.

Time for the show!! Lots of backstage going ons while the big stahs arrive, and we learn that models don’t only wear wigs after age 35 because of a lack of nutrients.

Start time has come and gone, and no one is ready. Tim starts freaking out and calling the designers weak and telling them that they are like walking abortion commercials. No, he doesn’t. He freaks out Tim style.

I am very disheartened right now mkay?

Fat Bitch Heidi’s fat slut of a mother comes out to welcome us to Bryant Park.

Long night?

We get a shot of the judges. Nina looks so damn skinny! WTH? I hope she’s not sick. No one should be that skinny. She looks like one long neck with a nose. It might just be because she’s sitting next to Fred Flinstone’s mother in law. Been a long time since I’ve seen her. Love the black hair.

Althea is first. She comes out in uggs and tights with holes in them, which should automatically disqualify her ass. She tells the crowd that she was inspired by sci-fi movies from the fifties and her collection is all about what today’s woman would wear tomorrow. Hopefully something other than uggs. Are those even still legal in NY?

OUT

She opens with her Irina sweater. It looks great. The leather (pleather? satin?) outfit under it is pretty hot, in a sweaty in any kind of weather sort of a way. Dominatrixes need have down homey comfort sometimes, too.

She follows that with a simple black dress…

…followed by some parachute pants. Cuz women in the fifties had visions of dressing like they were from the eighties in the two thousands.

Love this one.

Althea has picked a definite look and she’s sticking with it. It’s already taken by H&M, but at least she’s showing some consistency. And H&M has some cute stuff.

The next look is for a woman who insists on dining at restaurants without coat checks.

Fine, I’ll keep it on!

Mama Flinstone is so stealing that out of the dressing room.

Leather pants! A tank top! None of this is revolutionary, but none of it has been fug, either.

Woops. Spoke too soon.

COLOR!! Nina just clinched her uterus in delight.

And we can’t have a runway show without some silver!

Ma’am, please put your dress’ penis away.

The next dress is one of her most original pieces. I didn’t even appreciate its cuteness until the third viewing. The first two times all I saw were shoulders.

Dang girl! Next time you feel the urge to do some pullups, resist!

I have no idea what’s going on with this one, but having a bib wherever you go is never a bad idea.

Date night! We’re going for ribs. Dress appropriately.

Next up is a mock turtleneck floor length dress with a long train. The model looks gorgeous in this, and it would be fun to wear something that literally makes all the people around you fall down.

Overall, Althea’s best work of the season, but Gordana Chickenndumplinshausen’s face says it all.

I hope one of dee keedz change da wadder for my podado pland.

Carol Hannah comes out and the audience goes nuts. The season hadn’t aired when the finale was filmed, so Lord only knows why they give her a better reception than Althea. I suspect they are applauding the balls it took to wear a fifteen year old’s batmitzva dress from the early eighties to a fashion event.

La heim, mothatruckas!

She says that the ride has been wacky and then she throws up and cries. I can’t tell if her first look is hideous or stunning, which means CAROL HANNAH UNDERSTANDS FASHION!! Sorry, Alth!

This poor ballerina has term eczema, but she’s working through it!

Tim was worried that Carol Hannah could only make formalwear, but she’s putting her own spin on it and it’s pretty cool. Her causal formal even looks good.

The next one fades into the background so I can’t really see it. You tell me if it sucks or not.

Next up is a guest at an Eggplant ball with a bar across the chest. Why? Don’t know. IT’S FASHION!

Simple black dress with some frilly detailing up the front. Cute.

Wax your shoulder, heathen!

The toilet brush dress is next and wow. It’s…very toilet brushy. If you’re single and you want to look fertile and obsessed with housework, this is your time.

Now imagine what this would look like in a size twelve.

Formal pregnancy dress with more of that cutesy detailing on the front. Well, she had to get her required silver in somewhere.

Down, horny pregnant lady!

I don’t know what pageant this girl is in, but she took home the blue ribbon.

This is one of her best, for me. The big brown gift bow is odd, but it flows real pertily.

We don’t get a full shot of the next one, which is a shame cuz it’s hilarious. Satin shorts, a tank, and a cape. The model looks like a little girl with no friends trying to emulate Hermoine.

If Ron Weasly doesn’t put his hand up my shirt soon, I’m blowing the quidditch quarterback.

She chose the wrong model for this next dress, cuz it’s cute and should be bouncing and flowing all over the place.

She gets more bounce as she walks away, and I love it. Suddenly that drab dress is a pissed off jellyfish about to attack a toddler.

YAY!

The last piece is a mermaid chicken hybrid, but it could work. In an underwater chicken coop saloon.

I just laid some children! Who wants a shot?





Bitch stole my chicken idea!

Irina gets pretty big applause, but then she makes the mistake of injecting her personality into her speech. She says that her collection is all about NY, and how you have to comfort and protect yourself at all times. LOL. The audience is dead silent. Irina will not be getting a job on the tourism board any time soon. “New York: Don’t Come Without A Protective Shell and a Can of Pepper Spray.” Nina said last week that she’s looking for an exciting use of color. This collection, therefore, is entitled “Suck My Dick, Nina”, or “How to Protect Yourself in New York from Attackers (and Nina)”.

Fight off attackers with sleeves.





Or have your horse kick them in the face.





Or force them to sit through another performance of Chicago.





Or smother them with a coat.





Or try to trick them into robbing Althea instead.





Or threaten to turn them into faux fur old lady hooker hoodies.





Or bore them to death.





Or put them in a sauna wearing a Snuggie.





Or confuse them by wearing the same thing over and over.





Or remind them you can’t be hurt cuz you wear a bullet proof vest at all times.





Or make your knees look like Hannibal Lecter.





Or put them in fur handcuffs.





Or try to convince them you’re a robot by wearing outlines of really shiny ribs.





The end.

Wow. Have some fucking tights, Irina! JEEZE! I honestly had to check my screengrabs to make sure I wasn’t accidentally posting copies. Black protective shells. Frigid much? That was absolutely ridiculous. She’s the frontrunner? I lived in NY a long time, and I get that NYers love their black. Hopefully this collection will be a wake up call. It’s like if you crave pizza, the best thing to do is eat pizza until you throw up and the thought of pizza disgusts you. Mmmm. Pizza. Wait. Where was I? I’m going to take my own advice and eat five pizzas. If I gain weight I’ll just order the toilet brush dress and make it all look on purpose. Who is gonna win this? I think Carol Hannah should, which means she will come in last. Sorry, CH!

Why are people clapping? Did the show start yet? I can’t see anything. Georgia! Georgia!

Let’s ask the stahs what they think!

Epperson!! Could you get these jeans for me in a size 38? Mkthanks.





Martina liked the dueling sweaters.





It all looked good enough to snort.





I’ll have a bluuuuue Christmas without yoooou!

I smell a Carol Hannah fan!





Could someone buy this girl a bowl with an even edge?

Judging time!! We open with an awesome shot of Mama Flinstone. LOL. This is the best part of the episode so far.

She’s gonna beat someone with a rolling pin.

Overall, the judges are impressed with the designers. I have to agree. It may not have been the most exciting season ever, but it’s the first one that no one was bad. We complain all the time that the show keeps on the wackos over the real talent, so this year they switched it up and we’re still complaining. Now if they can just find talented people who aren’t boring as hell,…we’ll complain. The designers are brought out. The winner gets a spread in The Globe, a trip to Tijuana, money, and the love of Irina’s mother.

Irina says that her line is all about shielding yourself. Kors says that they’ve seen it all before, but Flinstone thinks it was very coherent. Heidi loves it, and Nina loved the t-shirts. Kors thinks the amount of work that went into the collection was commendable, but he is all begrudging about it. Why all black? Nina chides her about not making anything that would look good in a magazine shoot, and Irina drops her fakey smile.

I’m sorry, did you not read the title of my collection?

Nina loved Carol Hannah’s first look and compliments her workmanship. Heidi’s favorite was the blue ribbon dress, and is impressed that that was the 13th look. Flinstone asks about the toilet brush dress, and Carol Hannah says that it’s more of a showpiece than a let’s go to dinner and maybe find a date kind of dress. Heidi thinks she was lacking in the cohesive line department, but Kors loved what she did.

Kors was happy that Althea did sportswear, and Nina loved the green cuz it was COOOLOOOOR! Heidi was into the silver, and Kors liked the parachute pants. Flinstone’s fave was her knitwear, but doesn’t get how that’s futuristic. The person who invented tsunami bangs was told that they were just a fad maker, and here you are wearing them 59 years later, so there’s your answer, wench! Althea says that her big shoulders referenced the future, and Irina gives a “she stole my shit” eye roll.

In alone time, Kors says that Carol Hannah’s opening dress was amazing and Flinstone thinks her color was the most impressive. Kors and Nina agreed that she didn’t go far enough with color, but give her credit for going further than the others. Nina looks generally disgusted with the world.

Nina thinks that Althea is very hip and she would shoot her clothes for her magazine. Kors thinks that it’s all too mix and matchy, and Flinstone agrees and says that her pieces don’t really lend themselves to runway shows. Heidi thinks Irina’s clothes were well made and edgy. Kors agrees and says that her showmanship was great and everything kinda looked the same, which is the idea of a collection. It is? Really? The same thing over and over again? Come on now. Heidi wanted more color, but Kors thinks the t-shirts lightened it all up. Althea is having a stress breakout backstage, poor thing.

I’m still thinking about pizza. Get out of my head!

The designers are called back out. Irina was very detailed, but her lack of color was disappointing. Althea is modern, but not as futuristic as she tried to be. Carol Hannah worked best with color, but it lacked cohesion. Carol Hannah’s name is called. Big long pause. Irina looks like she’s gonna throw acid in her face.

Someone sew that mouth up while it’s in the perfect position.

Carol Hannah is super sweet and blah-y about it. Irina wins!! WTF?!?! COME OOOONNNN!! She won with a fucking collection of black tights and jackets? BS! Well, at least her mom will still love her. Her dad comes in and he’s crying! Then he offers Kors a fleet of goats to marry his daughter. What. EVER. Irina breaks down, and then it just gets to be all too much for her. She unhinges her jaw like a python and swallows herself whole, disappearing into thin air.

You bastards!

The DVR cut Irina off in the middle of her acceptance segment, which was the sweetest thing it’s ever done for me.

Guys, thanks so much for being with us this season! It has been a really great time to laugh with you and read your comments every week. I would get all teary, but I don’t want to be a pussy like Irina’s dad, and also, I think season 7 starts, like, tomorrow. So until then! THANKS AND LOVE!