Tonight on the Season 7 Premiere of Project Runway, tears! Old American Idol runner ups! Kors with a (possibly) legitimate tan! Come on in!
Alright, Kors, now you’re overdoing it.
****I don’t go into too much detail on the designer intros here cuz I already wrote and intro article. If you are interested, or just have LOTS of time on your hands, check it out here.
Lifetime is pulling some dickery on me right off the bat by starting a minute early. The first words I hear in the already started episode is “Dior. Tom Ford. Karl Lagerfeld.” Let me guess: The clue was “People That Could Possibly Comb My Hair For Me.”
This is Seth Aaron Henderson, or as I like to think of him, retired Adam Hambert from American Idol. Seth Aaron is 37 (don’t buy it) on the outside, but he’s fifteen inside you guys! You can tell cuz he’s got really hip dirty hair, green mascara, and a bandana as an ascot. But just in case you aren’t feeling the youth yet, he jumps on the bed and then sneaks off to the bathroom to jerk off to an International Male catalogue. Then my Meemaw breaks into the bathroom and tells him that masturbating is just a sinful way of producing lots of tiny little souls and then flushing them down the toilet before they ever had a chance to become productive human beings, which is their God given right. MURDERER!!
Seth Aaron is all about FUUUUN! He likes to take vintage clothes and add his own, modern look. So basically, he’s into facelifts. One great thing about this show is that people lay their psychosis bare for us and they don’t even realize they’re doing it. Can’t judge though. I’m sure if I was a contestant I would only make jogging pants and plastic shirts so I could just wipe off pizza grease instead of going to Target once a week to replenish my wardrobe.
The next contestant to arrive are knees. Cuz the editors are a bunch of horny guys in 1920.
I hope Gordana Beaverhausen gets a guest star spot this year, if only to see how her cute dimpled knees react to this skinny bitch’s.
This is Janeane from Oregon, and she’s here to assure us that she’s much more than a stairmaster addict. She walks into the apartment and immediately starts sobbing. LOL. “This is the beginning of the everything!” She sees her whole life right in front of her. She’ll get to Bryant Park, win the show, guest star on Ugly Betty and meet the ladies of the View, get offers from B listers who need clothes for Pinkberry openings, have a nervous breakdown when a Kardashian busts an ass seam, become addicted to meth, and disappear forever. Except for when she has to show up at Dress Barn for her shifts. Ah, positive thinking. It’s so …. sad?
Bangs and a mullet rolled into one. And you thought it couldn’t be done.
Next in is PingPong. She’s a trained physical therapist and a trained designer, so she really knows how a body moves. Well, after it’s been in a horrible accident or something. I’m afraid Pong is gonna get too method and start whacking her models in the shins, just so they’ll limp realistically enough to sell her clothes. She says that she’s always searching for da seempless cot for body movement. I don’t know what that means, but all of her sketches show faceless women kicking one of their legs to the side, like they’re about to kiss some faceless dude.
Or maybe they just need a realignment.
This one’s doing the mash potato.
Anthony is up next. He looks like Mary J Blige with a little meat on her bones. He is our bright, colorful Flamingay of the season.
His opening line is “It is hayell being black, gay, in the ghetto!” HAHA. He brings a giant suitcase and says “honey I brought Georgia wit me!” His goal in life is to design gowns for Miss USA or Miss Universe. He doesn’t like Miss America. He doesn’t say why, but I suspect it’s cuz of Prejean. Or Perez. Or upcoming judge Rush Limbaugh. Actually, he doesn’t need to say why. That pageant’s a mess. FlamÃngay is going to have lots of words of wisdom for us this season, and I kinda love him already and hope he wins. Everything. Even American Idol and Survivor. “If life has called me for such a time as now, then Anthony needs to rise to the o-ccasion. Period.” Poetry, referring to himself in the third person, and vocal punctuation all in one sentence. LOVE.
Dramatic music plays as Jay enters. Villain? Or are the editors just as sick of the fauxhawk as we are?
Jay doesn’t want to be famous. He doesn’t want to be rich. He’s here for the ART! Nothing says art like Lifetime.
He’s the last boy to arrive in the first apartment, so he gets stuck with a broken bed. Wait. Isn’t that the bed that Old Hambert was jumping on? He doesn’t mention that. Our first lying little snake of the season. Yay! Jay says he doesn’t care, but he does cuz he adds that a broken bed will bother him the least cuz “I’m probably the skinniest one out of all of us anyway.” Snapple: Fauxhawked Gaysian Flavor. This leads into everyone stating their weight. “I’m 180″ “I’m one f….orty five.” “I’m 152.” Anthony “And I’m thirsty.” BWAhaHAHAHAHAH
Pamela, our Bucks County Cougar, is an A-type. Worst way to introduce yourself ever. Jonathan is an animal who will do anything to win. Shave. Your. Head.
He’s into painting clothes, and is trying to find a way to join “glitty with pretty.” You’ve already got flitty down. Just stick with that, cuz rhyming can get old. Little smile at his own wit. I predict he will be the guy who tries to come up with the “wackadoodle!” of the season. Ew. Typing that word sends shivers up my spine. I still poke holes in pleather whenever I see it.
Jesse is our StraightGuy of the season. Well, Seth Aaron Old Hambert is straight too, but he’s underage so it’s not for sure yet. StraightGuy is an actor who works at Disney World. He plays Wendy Pepper in some theme show.
Mila is a costume designer from LA. She kind of looks like the witch who gave Snow White the apple.
Maya is next, and already there’s a bang war.
Maya describes herself as “risky”. To prove it, she dresses like Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction and sketches accordingly.
At the end of the day, she’s just a Squricangle LeAnne with a personality.
I like her immediately, cuz she hi-fives Mila over their bangs. LOL. If you can’t make fun of yourself, then I have to do it and I get sick of typing.
Jesus is next. He assures us that he’s extremely talented and “conferdant”, and in his bio he said that in Mexico and San Diego he’s a really big deal. Is it America that turns people into delusional assholes or would he be that way if he had stayed in Mexico? Sometimes it’s comforting to know that Elian Gonzales was forced to go home. Otherwise he might have grown up to be this guy.
Amy from Oakland is Iranian. Let’s just hope she’s not Irinian, cuz I’ve had just about enough of that skank. Amy is obsessed with putting circles on models.
Is there a doctor in the house?
Heidi and Tim meet the designers on the roof, and it’s absolutely thrilling to see Heidi with some pregnancy weight on her. She’s been on TV for thirty whole seconds and I haven’t cut myself once. The designers meet and greet and Elian tries to pronounce “Empire State Building.” He never quite gets there. The editors take this time to introduce us to more designers. Emilio likes to make clothes representing the bullies who have made fun of his lithp hith whole life.
Thticks and sthones, bitch!
Ben is a comic book illustrator, so he’s into making people look insane, or something. Works for me. Christiane tells us that she’s already a pro with success and she loves color. She also likes to make women look slaughtered.
Anna Marie introduces herself as an artist who is trying to get into design. She’s sweet, mousy and not very confident, which might bring her down pretty quickly. She looks like an extra on Big Love, though, so I like her. Or one of those Amish kids who has to live in the real world for a year. She’s either gonna be scared shitless or turn into a total druggie whore by season’s end. I love a good arc.
The next morning, the designers meet Tim in Central Park, where Mood has set up a sort of outdoor sale. It’s like the real Mood, but with more space and wafts of dog poo. They only have three minutes to choose their fabrics, and when go is called there’s lots of squealing. Emilio says it’s like fat people at a buffet opening in Vegas. HAHA. I’ve been one of those fat people and he’s totally right. It’s the only good reason to run I can think of.
The assignment is to design something that shows who they are. Tim makes them select only five of the fabrics that they have chosen and A Type Cougar (I’m not going to stick with all these nicknames yet, I just don’t remember everyone’s name so calm down over there.) says it’s like cutting off one of her legs. Don’t worry, at least you know PingPong will be there to design clothes for you when you’re all gimpy.
Pong can’t seem to figure out how to unroll her fabric, so instead she just gives a shoutout to China.
It’s like our national anthem, only easier to confuse with Moo goo gai pan on a menu.
Flamingay, stunned, says “Ping. PONG.” HAH. Old Hambert says his goal is to throw his style down the judges’ throats. Luckily for him, Nina can deep throat like a pro. Or so I hear.
They will have til midnight to finish their look, and Tim does a little schilling for an HP sketch book computer thing. The future is now, you guys. Unfortunately, it’s only cool if you know how to draw. They’re marketing this whole thing wrong.
Best portable internet porn tablet ever.
Old Hambert says he’s gonna go over the top. He’s wearing a giant jeweled ring, just to cement his point. Pong refuses to use a dress form. She needs a human body, so she drapes on herself. That explains why everything we’ve seen from her so far looks like a sweater tied around the waist.
After a couple hours, the models are sent in. Elian Gonzalez’ model looks like she drank out of his water bottle and got the squirts.
Please carry around plastic bags in the workroom to pick up after your model.
Lots of designers, lots of models, so in a nutshell there’re lots of screams, giggles and air kisses. After, Jonathan asks everyone what they’re wearing to the runway show, and says that he’ll be wearing something he’ll look good going home in. I think he was trying to get people to pat him on the hawk and assure him that he’s super talented, but no one does. Feed an insecure homo bs and they’ll be back at the same time every day for more of where that comes from. Smart cast.
Tim comes to check on progress. He tells Christiane to finish impeccably and have confidence. Then he moves onto Pong, who looks like a looney toon. How he resists pouring bleu cheese all over her salad head and digging in is beyond me. I’m hungry.
She looks like a little kid playing with sheets as she explains to him that she acts as her own dress form. Since casting is kinda his fault this season, he just laughs and moves on. Tim worries that Old Hambert’s bright red exozipper might be too cartoonish, but Hambert says that this challenge is about showing who he is, so he’s keeping it. He’s also going to wear pleather pants to the runway show and sing Cher songs in falsetto screeches.
Tim doesn’t like the seaming and puckering on Betsey Wetsey’s dress. Guess what she does? SOBS! Anthony is making some crazy shit. He says that it’s not working for him, and Tim says it’s not working for him either. He wants Flamingay to stick with one fabric instead of introducing another, and Anthony says “I didn’t introduce her. I just introduced her to you and you obviously don’t wanna meet her so we gonna put her out.” BWAHAHAH. Tim laughs confusedly and walks off.
Elian Gonzalez is next and Tim is disturbed by the diarrhea train. Elian doesn’t care and decides to commit sin number one: Ignoring Tim. Emilio doesn’t have much done yet at all. Tim is scared for all of them, but that’s par for the course. Let’s get back to the important stuff.
The next day, Betsey Westsy is still crying, and Emilio is still not done. The models come in for fittings, and Elian Gonzales tell us he’s positive that he’ll be in the top three. And then bang! Emilio is done and his dress looks pretty good. It’s hair and makeup time, which usually means smoke break for me. But then this happens.
Make it stop.
Anthony says he’s sweatin’ like a Baptist preacher. HAHAHAHA. This guy is a gift. Time for the show!!
If I looked like that I wouldn’t wear anything either. Except maybe a FOR RENT sign.
Heidi comes out looking really tasteful and pretty. I have nothing bad to say about her, but I will still post a pic cuz she’s fat right now and I am going to relish that as much as possible before she pops out baby 14 and goes back to making hate myself.
She intros the judges. Kors isn’t orange!! More of a burnt sienna. I know because I took this pic to HomoDepot and color matched that shit.
In other judge news, Nina Garcia doesn’t have bed head! And she’s smiling!
The guest judge is Nicole Richie, and she looks like Nina’s mom.
OK so there’s one lame guest judge, but at least there aren’t three! Yay season 7! Jonathan is out first. His model looks like a girl in a black cocktail dress hiding behind a houseplant.
Your anorexic needs watering or you’re gonna have leaves all over the floor.
Next is Old Hambert. He’s made an Ellie May Clampett Gets Her Period look. Meh.
Elian Gonzales’ diarrhea train looks way better with a longer dress over it (he kinda listened to Tim after all!), but it’s still what it was…a long trail of brown. No one who’s had a Starbucks before a long flight can possibly be ok with this dress, and I’m sure all of the judges fit into this category.
What are you a monkey? Put down your poop!
Ben’s next, and calls his design “futuristic.” Why is it that in every single vision of the future there are shoulder pads? His is the first piece to come down the runway looking shoddy. The seams are uneven and there’s some dimpling on top. Not cute. The poor model has a dent where her womb should be.
In the future, there will be no babies. Partly because of missing wombs, and partly cuz guys don’t wanna bang girls with giant pointy shoulders. Fashion may change, but human nature does not.
Jay’s made a cute skirt that he’s ruined with a Carrie Bradshaw flower as a belly button and two big fat lips on both hips. Fat Albert, consider yourself tributized. Love the pleated top, though.
Hey hey hey!
A Type Cougar has made a bright pink backless tunic thing. She says that it will show the judges that she’s very very happy. And fucking looney as a flattened Coyote.
Emilo’th dreth is prettier than we were led to believe it would be. He tells us how it ended up fitting perfectly, but it doesn’t look like it in the chest area. It looks like it’s being held together by rolls of stickers.
StraightGuy’s suit is very “Secretary Escaping From Bombed Building”. I can’t tell if it’s hideous or awesome, which I think means it’s good.
Pong’s model looks like she was caught in the dryer. And she’s carrying the art teacher pancho. This is a mess, but Pong has the model do the leg kick at the end, which wins me over. The model turns it into a kick ball change. LOL. I hope there’s a new tap step every week. Fashion could use a good shuffle off to Buffalo.
Christiane is the one who said that she’s already a pro, but her dress looks like hell. Love the blue, but don’t approve of the hacked apart tweety bird all over it. I’m all for hunting, but leave tweety alone. Looney toons are all over this recap. I think that’s a good sign.
Nicole looks completely uninterested, but I think that’s just how her face is.
I hope my dry cleaning’s ready when the nanny picks it up. Ebony and Ivory. Oprah can’t quit. Pat Robertson is mean. I love jelly beans!
Amy’s next, and it’s very “Pole Position.” She should get rid of the top and just use a black bra. This girl would be great at opening a NASCAR race.
Betsey Wetsey’s skirt looks like a bolt of fabric stuck on the model with a twisty tie.
Mila has made a khaki skirt too, but correctly. I don’t know what’s happening on top, but it’s about time someone threw the matching-patterns-colors-that-go-together thing out the window. The model looks like a poor, color blind Jack O.
Anthony’s dress looks like a fancy melted after dinner mint.
The Amish girl did a really pretty yellow girly dress. I could do without the skin tone fabric in the cleave though. This isn’t Vegas, honey. She should have just left it bare. The hem is glaring. So much so that it kinda looks on purpose. Why should that hem only be allowed on pillowcases?
Maya the rebel has made a simple dress with a giant natural sponge growing out of it. That reminds me. I need to exfoliate.
Heidi calls Amy, Amish, Ben, Betsey Wetsey, Jay, StraightGuy, Jonathan, Maya, Mila, A Type Cougar out. They’re safe!! Betsey really lucked out on that one cuz that skirt was busted. Heidi starts with Anthony.
Heidi likes the bottom of his dress, but didn’t like the top. Kors thinks the only thing the appendage on the side is good for is stealing champagne bottles from garden parties. LOL. Nicole calls out the bad fit in the back and thinks it’s way too short. Overall, though, she thinks it’s beautiful.
Anthony says that he thought he would disintegrate standing there and thanks them for making him able to survive their words. HEHE. Old Hambert is next. The judges all love it and Nina likes the period stripe in back. Pong says her fabric is supposed to look like it’s on the hanger so that the movement creates different shapes. Pong probably stares at curtains on a windy day from sunup to sunset and cries. Nicole loves it, Nina’s like uh……..and Kors thinks it’s a good first step. I’m thinking that they know this girl is hilarious so they’re not gonna be mean to her for at least a couple of weeks. You can’t just keep the legitimately talented people and off the wackos, or you’ll end up with…season 6.
The judges think Elian’s leather gown is tacky. Heidi calls him out on making a miniskirt first. Nina thinks it looks like a chocolate bar, which is really a compliment if you ask me. Nina likes the draping of Christiane’s dress, but doesn’t think that the construction is good. The judges are impressed with Emilio’s technical skills and no one has a bad thing to say about him.
In private time, they agree that Anthony was kind of a mess. Christiane was unsophisticated and had no technical prowess. Nicole kinda liked Elian Gonzales, but Kors says in Mexican accent that it was trying too hard to be glamorous and wasn’t. Everyone agrees that Old Hambert did a great job, and Nicole calls Emilio’th dress fun and pretty. Pong looked insane, but they all think she is a stylish weirdo.
Christmas was fun, wasn’t it? Now let’s reflect on a super shitty holiday.
My thoughts exactly.
Pong’s safe! Emilio winth!!! Poor Old Hambert. He’s put on his best tux for nothing.
Old Ham is in, and Anthony is in!! He won’t leave, he’s so excited. LOL. Christiane and Elian are in the bottom two. Heidi tells them both off and then gets rid of….Christiane! And Heidi does it in the most evil way possible. “Elian, unfortunately…..someonehastogonotyouChristiane’sout.” Ah, well. Christiane didn’t need this show anyway!! She’s got a CAREEEEER!
She tells us that she’s shocked. Anyone else?? Anyone?
Next week…tractors! Fields! Pong tears! Thanks for being here, guys. See you next time. xo