Project Runway: Donkey Pong

Tonight on Project Runway: The Flamingay almost goes extinct and another Brit tries to get his skin to absorb American Tanning Spray, with disastrous results.

Previously, Pong robbed Pamela even though she sent a bare ass down the runway. We are shown a clip of what happened on the models show. Something about a girl getting sent back to the popsicle stick factory. She was at least bought lunch, though, which is sweet. It was a piece of blank paper. We also learn why people call gays fairies.

Cuz we can flyyyyyy!

Two people have been sent home already, and everyone is nervous. Anthony the Flamingay is standing behind a curtain and brushing his teeth at passerbys like a tooth fetish perv.

Yeah that’s right. I know you like it! TAKE IT! TAKE IT, PEDESTRIANS!! TAKE IT GOOOOD!

Or maybe he’s just cold? From the looks of things around here, Harvey Weinstein probably ate the heating bill money.

Jesus Elian Gonzalez is curled up in the fetal position, still shocked that no one thinks he’s as amazing as his mom tells him he is. Someone, we don’t see who, says “Elian, are you gonna win this whole competition by being in the bottom two the entire time?” LOL. Don’t worry, Elian has a plan. “I have to be meeee!” I didn’t say it was a good plan.

From now on I weel make life jayckets. Out of leather. And gold. And dreamses.

The boys have nice warm gossip for breakfast, saying they can’t believe that Pong is still here. Emilioth puts his hand up and says “it’s too early to mention her name.” With a lithp like that you know Emilioth was made fun of a lot as a child. I thought that made people nice. He needs to be made fun of more. So these recaps are kind of a humanitarian effort.

Over in the girls apartment, Pong is having trouble getting a contact in. “I can only see through one eye!” Amish Girl slams “maybe it will help your design.” LOL. This is one of the bitchiest casts we’ve seen, at least in the first two weeks. Very well done. Even the Amish girl’s an asshole. Heidi comes out on the runway wearing a giant horizontal stripe, as if to say “pregnant and striped I still look better than you, Amerifat.” Bitch.

You know that baby’s in there doing crunches or some shit.

Heidi teases that they are about to meet some of the most iconic fashion designers of all time, and then she leaves. Wow. She actually shot ten seconds of footage for that segment. Glad you could stop by, heif! The designers are sent to meet Tim at the Met, and Mila says she’s inspired. She’s in a much better mood today. Her eyes aren’t crossed or anything, but I suspect it’s because she started cutting after the last challenge. Her bangs, at least.

Huge difference. Now you look totally original.

And now, for a shot of vaginaless women.

Sorry, wrong pic.

Retired Adam Hambert has shown up today with tiny eyebrows, Liza hair, and lots of grease.

They have to pick a dress and make something inspired by it. This will be a team challenge (YAY) and the leaders are Jaysian, Elian Gonzales (no iconic life vests. Damn), Flamingay, Betsey Wetsey, Mila, Pong (“I am very good delegate”), and Emilioth. Jaysian takes Maya, Elian takes Irian, Flamingay takes Ham, who calls him brown sugar, Mila takes Jonathan. Amish girl and Straight Guy are last. SG is horrified at the thought of working with Pong, and he’s gonna get the chance! Emilio gets Amish girl and tells her “you’re the clathic Americanth girlth.” I don’t think Amish Girl understands what the hell he’s saying, but she was raised right so she smiles.

They get five hundred smacks for their budget and two days, so there will be no excuses for asses showing on the runway. There are also no excuses for what’s happening here.

PeeWee Live: Thirty Year Ate Up Anniversary

Hambert says that he can’t believe he’s so close to a Dior with no security guards or pit bulls. I’m sure Dior is gonna be thrilled when he sees this greasy ass Peter Pan breathing all over his masterpiece. There are some pretty amazing pieces to copy here, and I suspect that Pong will choose this one, as it’s as close to a fancy sheet set as you can get.

Add an extension cord as a necklace and you’re done.

Let’s go to Mood! Elian just walks around looking confused, but the Midget Iranian has no problem making choices without him. Straight Guy is rude to Pong from the get go, shouting at her and acting like a shit head. Jeeze she’s just trying to figure stuff out. Like construction. And colors. And sewing. And basic reasoning. Yes, she will eventually probably drape expensive material over a model so it looks like a little kid playing ghost or something, but still. No reason to be rude. She lets Straight Guy have his way, but still he punches his fist. This guy’s a class act. In the comments section last week, one of you said that he looks just like Christian Bale. I kinda saw it, but now it’s all I can see.

Then Pong freaks about losing her sketch book. Ok if he had fist punched now it would be more understandable.

Mama! Mama! Mamá! Mamá ¿dónde estás? ¡No sé nadar!

Amish Girl tries to pretend she gets Emilioth as he tries to explain his “hard and thoft” concept.

Uhhhh….

Pong still can’t find her sketch book and she’s at freak out levels so she just decides to forget it and start over. I would imagine she doesn’t need that book. You know her sketch was basically this:

Straight Guy is gonna beat her like a rug. Jonathan, who I will never take seriously as long as he has this hair…

How many shows is Judah Friederlander on?

..smirks and says “Mila has no problem giving direction.” Focusing her eyes? Sometimes there’s a problem there.

Now I don’t like to get too perverted in these recaps because I know some of us are more sensitive to that kind of thing than others. That’s why it pains me to post the following pic.

Handlebars

Maya isn’t team leader, but Jaysian has immunity so she’ll be sent home if they lose and she’s not going to trust him with her life. He may have won last week, but he’s still Jaysian. The guy has a fauxhawk and a bowl full of tiny disco balls on his coffee table, for criminey’s sake.

Straight Guy has found Pong’s sketchbook! Unfortunately, he looked at it which means a tiny girl with hair covering her face will crawl out of a well and eat him. Good to know ya, abusive straight person! Pong giggles, thrilled to have her book of crazy back, and t Guy looks like he wants to beat her with bag of oranges.

He’s stressing so hard he’s growing boobies.

Everyone checks out in time and on budget, and an unlikely friendship is formed.

I see you.

Back at the workroom, Amish Girl is intimidated by Emilioth so she just follows his vision and does what she’s told. Or as she puts it “I have a certain…adaptiveness.” Mila tells Jonathan to stop talking for a sec cuz she needs time to digest stuff. Mila wants to “take a nod from the sixties”. Don’t take anything from the poor sixties. You’ve taken enough. Leave the sixties alone! Digest something else!

Straight Guy is still being all agropassive and sighing and slamming things down, and finally Pong can’t take it anymore. She tries to tell him that he needs to be more sensitive because he is making her doubt herself and it’s affecting her performance, but it just comes out like “taka taka taka taka” to him so he’s all “whatever crazy.” Then his boobs grow. Stress is turning him into an A cup!

If Pong keeps talking, he will look like a bushy browed Dolly Parton by hour’s end.

As the day moves on, people get into more of a groove. Mila is happy with the work Jonathan is doing for her, even though it’s a little pharmacist-y at the moment.

Take 80 milligrams twice a day. Suture. Cardiac. Stat!

Mila details the work Jonathan’s doing. Basically, all of it. Straight Guy tells him that he better not f anything up or Mila’s gonna punch him in the throat. Dang!! He’s so violent. I would not serve that man a cold dinner.

Flamingay and Hambert are making a yellow top with black feathers glued to it and add a big red belt. Flamingay thinks it looks like “we’re designing a gown for the vice president of McDonald’s. Everybody needs a dress.” HAHAH. Flamingay really works his jaw out when he talks.

TMJ Syndrome would break his spirit.

The first day ends and we aren’t treated to any at home time. I’m glad they can spare the time to play the “coming up in two minutes” clips they put on the end of every segment. Jerks. Flamingay was hiding behind a curtain and brushing his teeth at people on the sidewalk, you think I don’t want a follow up to that?

There’s more important drama to attend to: THE TWIST! Tim comes in with a giant smirkscrunch on his face. He drawls (“k? K? Guys? Beuller?”) about how every woman wants a fashionable look without spending any money. They get fifty bucks to go back to Mood and come back with enough to make another look. And another TWIST! They will be basing the new looks on one of the other team’s work. Whoever picks Pong will be lucky. Sheets are like twenty bucks on sale.

Elian and Irana have Pong’s design. If anyone can fuck up tying a sheet off it’s Elian. Emilioth got Jaysian and Maya’s dress, which looks like … well, this.

Super absorbent in case your shoulder pees itself.

Hambert isn’t amused when he hears Flamingay’s peach and lace choices. “It’s like…Old Lady.” Says KD Lang on her fiftieth birthday tour.

Jonathan is pretty unsatisfied about having to make Mila’s cross eyed drivel into a dress again, but he keeps his mouth shut. For now. Straight Guy is even more pissed at Pong and saying that she’s just copying the other dress, but she fights back a little more now and he’s not gonna have much say cuz only one team member gets to shop for fabric, and it’s gonna be her. So shut up Straight Guy. I was scared of at first, but it’s hard to be afraid of a man in polka dots.

I want to make it clear that I’m not suggesting that Pong is particularly competent, but it’s hard not to root for someone who can look at a water foot print on a bathroom towel and design a whole new sock form around it.

I would tell you all about the trip to Mood, but it was just a ninety second clip of Pong running around in circles like some kid put a rubber band around her tail. Back at the workroom, she whips out her “fabulous fabric”. Straight Guy is reminded of cheap hookers, who he can freely beat, so he’s content enough to keep his trap shut for the moment.

Alligaytor

Jaysian has immunity, which means he works really slow and stands around eating apples while Maya works her bangs off. First of all, how rude, second of all, how STUPID. He doesn’t think failing miserably will make him look bad? There are still a LOT of weeks to go here. Third, is he Mariah fucking Carey keeping her “gift” warm? Take off the scarf, queen! This ain’t Carnegie Hall!

Betsey Wetsey says something about how positive she’s feeling about this whole thing, but she isn’t crying so I can’t pay her any attention. Hambert can’t deal with Flamingay’s peach and lace explosion so instead of talking it out he starts getting snippy and rude and changing the sketch when Anthony’s not looking. Flamingay patiently tries to talk about it, but he’s talking to a way grown man with Sharpie colored hair, eyeshadow, and a Sebilia tattoo on his neck. The guy obviously has issues.

Model fittings!! We saw in Irana’s audition video that she is obsessed with circles on shoulders, and that’s pretty much the case tonight.

Pac Man is murdering models again.

This model looks downright sick. She’s snacking on her own tongue for crying out cracker!

Jonathan whines about how he’s doing everything, complete with the Fay Wray forehead palm. Straight Guy is still cursing and being rude, and Pong is still complaining about being mistreated. Emilioth mutters “Keep your mouth shut.” I think there’s just something about Pong’s tone of voice that rubs him the wrong way. He literally can not stand to hear her talk. He’s super sensitive to diction in other people. It’s like how I call people fat all the time while I squish my belly into different shapes.

That girl hath a lithp or thomethingth.

He says they’re acting like Ricky and Lucy and need to stfu. Then Pong lies to Straight Guy about having an important women’s club meeting that night when really she’s planning on getting a job boxing chocolates off a production belt! WAH-WAAAAHHHH! I don’t know who’s right or wrong here, but I do know that I hate when guys argue with their toned biceps, cuz I always lose those arguments.

Fine! YOU WIN! JERK!

Later, Flamingay tells Pong that he thinks her dress is very pretty. She says thank you. “Yayess!…..Pong, dontchoo got something to say to me in return?” LOL. His dress looks like a tweety bird funeral, so she just says she thinks he’s nice and funny. He’ll take it. “I like you too, sizta.” That was the cutest segment EVAH.

Sylvester, what did you DO?!

Tim comes to check on progress and starts with Jaysian and Mya, who have a long road ahead. Maya says really slowly that there’s a fire under her ass and she’s gonna get this done. Pong and Straight Guy behave in front of Tim, and Tim says the alligaytor fabric is cheap looking. Flamingay calls Hambert out on making something good and then abandoning it and they argue a little. Finally, Flamingay says “stop actin’ up in front a company.” LOL.

The coat that Mila has spent two days making? Is a big pancho with built in armpit stains. Cuz deoderant wasn’t as effective in the sixties.

Tim is impressed with himself for guessing that Mila and Jonathan were working on Flamingay’s bright yellow and black dress. You’re a real Jessica Fletcher, Tim Gunn. Straight Guy tells us that he has sent Pong off working on little stuff so he can get some peace and quiet and do everything himself. Remember he said that when he starts whine/growling about Pong not letting him do anything later.

The next morning starts off with Flamingay snapping “stacked, packed, and ready to attaynd!” Is that his catchphrase, or have we just seen it a million times on the commercials? I have no idea, but I giggle every time I hear it. I’ve had an aversion to catchphrases since “whackadoodle”, but he’s bringing me back around. Jonathan and Straight Guy complain about their partners as the girls dress like they’re going to a funeral. As Amish girl puts it “we’re going to the funeral of our hopes and dreams.” No one laughs.

Jaysian and Maya are still way behind, and Jaysian’s not moving any faster than he has to. Mila butters Jonathan up by telling him if the judges ask who did what she knows that he did everything but the coat. He just stays quiet. What do you want him to do, come up with a stupid lie to make you look more efficient? It might be better that he takes credit for everything else anyway. We haven’t seen what he’s made yet. It was her “vision”, but he doesn’t want to be known as just a seamstress unless the judges hate her vision so time will tell. Standing together, they look like black and white comic book villains.

There are only ten minutes left. You can tell cuz Pong’s running around in circles and Hambert’s camouflaging gel is wearing off.

Time for the show! Everyone’s gone but Straight Guy and Pong, who asks “we’re going where? Are you sure?” HAH. Sometimes I wonder if Pong is really that much of a donkey or if she just spouts off random English sentences when she’s stressed out. Heidi comes out wearing a skee-ball machine.

Vye ees everybody trowing ballz ad me doday?

Kors has had an injection malfunction or something. Half his mouth is paralyzed. AW!! Feel better, champ. It might be a side effect of the Indian teak wood stain you painted yourself with today.

Nina is pretty well put together today, and she’s getting a tiny bit of her frizz back. She starts the season with a hair ironing and ends looking like afro bush.

The guest judge is a “very famous British designer” named Matthew Williamson. Why can’t British skin adapt to the fake tan? It won’t stick. Look, his neck is a different color and his face looks tie dyed.

Heidi says one or more of the designers will be kicked off tonight. I’m not buyin it you tricky cracker. Flamingay and Hambert are up first with their own look. It might have worked, but the feathers make the model look like she has a hairy chest.

Step away from the hormone pills.

Up close, Elian and Irana’s look is kinda neat.

But from a little way back the model looks like a dog trying to wiggle out of a head cone.

It’s for your own good.

Mila and Jonathan are next. Yikes. The coat is insane, and the pants look like a Molly Shannon costume from Kath and Kim. And we all know how that turned out.

Mrs. Roeper takes up speed walking.

It’s so ugly it sends static cling to Nina’s hair.

Betsey Wetsey and Ben made a simple black cocktail dress with a vest. This was five hundred dollars?

If this is what five hundred bucks buys you in 2010, our economy is more fucked than originally thought.

Emilioth worries that he and Amish Girl’s work might be too simple because Amish Girl is such a simpleton, but the problem is the jacket. It looks like Straight Guy went on a rampage and dislocated the model’s shoulder.

Someone get this girl a sling.

Jaysian and Maya are next with another giant circular shoulder thing. It looks like a dead armadillo.

I have a bad feeling that crick neck isn’t covered by Weinstein’s insurance.

Pong’s model is finally graduating from stripper college.

At the end of the runway, she squats down and pops out a diploma.

Now for the “Looks for Less” line!

First up is Elian and Irana’s cheap version of Pong’s grad robe. It looks nothing like the original or inspired by the original at all. From college grad to migrant worker in five seconds.

Flamingay and Hambert’s version of Irana’s Pac Man Murders dress is pretty cute, considering the image I had in my head when I heard peach and lace. The skirt is questionable, but the detailed top is cool. It helps that the model has some bangin hips.

The back of the dress isn’t as successful (read: buttfug), but maybe the sight of an actual ass on a model might shock the judges into not noticing.

Bang!

Mila and Jonathan’s version of Flamingay’s hairy bumble bee is a thrown together baby doll dress with a cheesy feather on a boob. Meh.

Betsey Wetsy and Ben came up with another simple black dress covered with their version of the armpit stain jacket, which is even more hideous than Mila’s. It looks like a fat guy’s bowling shirt. The black feather chest hair would have actually worked with this one.

Amish Girl stuck a flap on the model’s shoulder, but otherwise he wisely ignored Maya’s design. This dress is way cute. Especially for women who tend to get a really cold right nipple.

Jaysian and Maya had to compliment Betsey Wetsey’s black dress with a vest, so they came up with…get this, another simple black dress and a vest! Groundbreaking stuff, you guys. Double fail.

Kors is disturbed. Well, honestly I can’t tell what he is. I guess I should just say Kors is disturbing in general. Did he get some of his jowls cut off? Has face is the shape of a sole today.

Pong and Straight Guy made the cheap version of Emilioth boring dress. It is cheaper looking and doesn’t fit, but at least the model hasn’t had her arm pulled off before her walk.

Betsey Wetsey, Irana, and Emilioth’ teams are safe. Flamingay and Pong’s teams are the low scores, so they’re sent back to the greenroom to stew. Hamburt and Straight Guy should be really pleasant to be around right now. I hope there are ice packs in the bar fridge. Wait. This means Mila is in the top?!?! With that rich old lady walk-a-mall-y crap? Ugh.

Heidi asks Jaysian if he slacked and he says no. Maya lowers her bangs. The judges love Maya’s look and Kors says that their cheap version of the simple black dress is way better. Forget that it’s almost exactly identical. Heidi loves Mila’s workout pancho and all the judges agree. That is just further proof that I don’t know crap. Kors didn’t like that Jonathan and Mila’s cheap version of Flamingay sucked, though. Still, he’s really happy with their signature outfit. “This is how people dress.” I have seen a lot of crazy shit in my life, but I have yet to see a woman walking around with track pants pulled up to her tits with a shiny pancho over it.

The bottoms are called out. Pong looks like Yoko Ono, which is fitting cuz Yoko is known for throwing shit at a wall and calling it art, too.

Nina calls Pong out on just wrapping fabric around a model. Pong says it’s timeless, cuz no matter what period it is people will need sheets. Kors also hates the second dress, saying the construction sucked and there was no originality. Straight Guy says he didn’t have time to do anything good cuz he had to teach Pong how to sew. Well then congrats, you failed at that too. The model pipes up! WHAT? Why is she talking??? She should be instafired. She tattles that Pong never even fit her into the dress. Designers are gonna be lining up to work with this idiot when the show ends. And wouldn’t she want Pong to stay? Doesn’t she have a chance of going home right now too or did they change all the rules for the models show? DAMMIT now I have to watch that. I’ll get right to it after I catch up on the Sherri Shepherd show, which should be approximately never.

Kors calls Flamingay’s dress the cotillion dress from Southern Hell. Flamingay asks what he would have done to make it better, and Guest answers that he can’t do the work for him. They didn’t like the peach and lace knockoff dress either. I feel dumb for liking it, but maybe it’s just because it looks so much better than I thought it would. Nina says that they’re both ugly. She doesn’t specify whether she means the designers, the models, or the clothes, but her tone says that she means all of the above. She adds that she’s surprised Hambert didn’t step up and save the day, and he says earnestly that it was a fifty fifty collaboration. That’s big of him. I didn’t expect that. I would go back and erase all the bad things I said about him tonight, but that would take too long and I’ll probably change my mind and have to go retype them all in five minutes anyway.

I don’t think Pong’s gonna survive this. In alone time, the judges like the simple black dress with a vest (the cheap version) a lot. Kors says Mila’s armpit stain pancho is brilliant. Jonathan’s safe. Mila wins!! I’m glad cuz she’s been kicked around a little, but that shit was just fug I’m sorry. She’s so excited that she runs to the greenroom and jiggles her underarms violently.

Maya’s safe! Jaysian’s safe! This leaves Flamingay, Hambert, Pong and Straight Guy on the runway. Heidi disses them all over again, and then tells Hambert he’s safe. Straight Guy’s safe! OH NO!! Spare the Flamingay!!!!!! He’s in. AW!!! I mean yay but aw Pong was so cute. And she looks so smart tonight in glasses!! Oh poor baby. She cries and tells us that she was amazing and she’s proud of herself. I’m really gonna miss that nut. Pong may not be one of the most original games out there these days, but it’s still one of the most entertaining. I will be keeping an eye out for little yarn socks that only cover part of my feet in stores. Good luck, Pong!!