Project Runway: Good News For Lonely Cows

This week on Project Runway, more pointing at vajays, less red, and THE BIGGEST CHALLENGE EVAH!! Hint: Not really but ok let’s watch it anyway.

Why is it Bible beaters always have lotion on the bedside table? Cuz that’s a sin.

Announcer Guy booms “THIS WEEK, THE RUNWAY BECOMES A BATTLEFIELD!!” Yeah, right Announcer Guy. I don’t believe you. Every week you promise us drama and then all we get is heart disease and fauxhawks. But like any true abused addict, I will believe anything you say. GAY BATTLES!! YAAAYYY!!! Emilioth should be the announther. I would listhen harder.

Previously, heart disease officially became the fugliest disease of the season, we realized that Straight Guy has the lower half of a woman’s body, …

… and Retired Adam Hambert had Meemaw hair.

Jesus can see you every second of the day, ya hear?

I’ve never really paid too much attention to the opening, and just noticed Emilioth saying “I AM fashion. Just look at me!”

Um….not seeing it. Biggest tongue of the year though so there’s that.

You know how every year there’s a semi hot straight dude who gets a shirtless shot at the beginning of episodes? Well we don’t have that this year.

Jay won’t get out of bed, so Anthony the Flamingay says “Gayut up, Jay! It’s time fuh Buhayble study! You don’t read the word, I use it as a waypon!” And then he hits him with a Bible. LOL. That almost makes up for the shirtless Hambert. Almost.

Flamingay tells us in a thicker accent than ever that it was nice not being in the bottom three, but one thing he learned is that when you’re in the bottom the only place you can go is up. I’m sure Elian Gonzalez is not feeling the same way right now, but thanks for your wisdom sugar.

Amish Girl isn’t thrilled that she almost (and probably should have) got sent home, but she’s ready to fight! “I may be sweet, but I’m fierce!” No one who describes themselves as fierce is fierce. They are gay men in the early nineties.

Dark scary “child being chased in the dark” music plays. Oh, it’s cuz they’re showing Mila next. Well, that makes sense. She says that last week when she was in the top two no one jumped up and down and congratulated her, which she found “disturbing”. Uh, maybe it’s cuz you walked back to the holding tank repeating “top twoooo! Top twooooo!” over and over again in nanny nanny boo boo voice. Idiot.

You’re invoking Richard Nixon and air quotes at the same time. You’re lucky you weren’t shot.

To make sure that she’s not stepped on today by any evil designers, Mila has decided to wear a giant Twister board.

Shots of New York: buildings! People in the park! Homeless people with no legs rolling around subways on skateboards while stealing purses and playing mandolins at the same time! Heidi comes out in fitted, classy black and looks gorge as always. Tiny cut to my inner thigh. She congratulates Amy Irana for winning last week and then tells the designers that their challenge this week is to be “picture perfect.” Oooh, another riddle! She’s like a really bad actress playing the Mad Hatter in community theater. I’m assuming she doesn’t mean the challenge will be based on the following movie, but it should be:

Whatever you design tonight, Angelina will come out on the runway and steal it.

The designers meet Tim at the Hearst Building, which is amazing. He introduces them to the editor of Marie Claire magazine, Joanna. This will be one of the biggest challenges in Project Runway history!! They will have to design for a celeb and the winner will appear on the cover of Marie Claire. Wowee!! Everyone’s super excited. Anthony almost faints and Straight Guy gets teary eyed. LOL. I love fashion people. You’d think they were just told they were getting the cover of Reader’s Digest from the way they’re celebrating.

Does Marie Claire have articles about having a healthy heart or getting your poop cycle regular? No. No it does not.

Joanne looks like God made an old lady baby out of Judi Dench and Cate Blanchett, which makes me both humble, scared, and thrilled all at the same time.

Maybe that’s why he’s crying?

Mila just has a polite smile on her face, but you know she’s thinking “that bitch didn’t even say my name once. I hate her and hope she dies in a horrible disfiguring actor accident.” Tim names the designers that have been on the cover the past year, and Lindsay Lohan wasn’t one of them. I’m completely shocked. Judi Dench tells them the guidelines. Detailing on top, eye catching, strong, sexy, must use labels from Clorox bottles to fight AIDS, and the model will be preggo Klum!! Jeeze you guys went all out. Was Nina busy? They were gonna get Naomi Campbell but they don’t have enough insurance to cover maid abuse.

Mila wants her design to say “MILA!” but it’s very hard to make a dress out of stale burnt toas so I’m interested to see how she gets around that. Amish Girl is going for a frigid color palette (shocker), and Flamingay wants something short but not slutty. God forbid you make a bra model look slutty. Ben…who knows what Ben’s doing? I can’t see past his outfit.

Let’s go to Mood! They only get a hundred and fifty bucks! WTH? How is this the biggest challenge ever? Hardly any money and a preggo model who produces the show. Cheap bastards. Mila and Betsey Wetsey look like spirit sisters today, and it’s an eyesore.

All I can think of are cows playing Twister. It seems perverted and immoral.

Not much exciting happens at Mood. Mila falls down, but there was no one around to blame for tripping her, so not much drama.

This carpet HATES ME.

Everyone is so focused on winning this one that the workroom is filled with complete silence. We’re literally left to watch Straight Guy’s eyebrows grow and grow.

Those caterpillars are about to turn into butterflies!

Old Ham can’t take the quiet, so he starts doing air horns and whistling and snapping. Everyone is over him and thinks he’s immature. I don’t really have anything to add to that assessment, so let’s just move on. Ben looks like an old west robber who’s about to gun down everyone in Gays Fargo for bags of plastic jewels.

Flamingay has been beat up by the judges, but he’s not gonna let that get him down. He’s gonna be as Flamingay as humanly possible. Which apparently means he wants to make one of those ice cream cones you get at McDonald’s, only purple.

Mila points out that he’s using the same color as Amish Girl. “Yikes.” Then one eye looks at us and the other looks across the room.

Who are you “yikes”ing?

Amish Girl is making three pieces, and she’s really only comfortable making one. Which makes her daring ambitious really stupid. A commercial for the Models show comes on and wow. It’s nice to see that cross dressing has become normal enough to appear on Lifetime.

This challenge means more to Jonathan than anything in his career so far. It’s so important that he combed the goddamned duck tail out of his hawk. THANK YOU.

See? Don’t you feel better?

So guys, since nothing’s really happening but sewing, tell us who your biggest competitors are! Straight Guy is most afraid of Mila and Emilioth, but I suspect he’s really afraid of aging. Mila’s not afraid of anyone, but she thinks Jaysian and Maya have the most interesting work so far. I’m really glad I decided to type all that down cuz it was FASCINATING.

Tim comes in to check on progress. He asks how everyone is and there is complete silence. He starts with Flamingay and his giant blue concoction. He tells Tim that he doesn’t know how it’s gonna look. He’s just cutting strips out and putting that shit together. LOL with that guy. Mila is doing a stretch dress out of wools. It looks like it will be cool, but not much of anything is done yet. Betsey Wetsey is going for “waves or something” and Tim asks if “this spewing out factor, is it you?” Betsey Wetsey is the queen of spewing out. Ben is going for Madame Butterfly on acid. Hasn’t someone else said that this season? Or am I losing my mind?

Emilioth is making a short cocktail dress, but Tim doesn’t think anyone will notice the detailing ( I refuse to use the word ombre cuz it’s just a rip off the Spanish word hombre and I think it’s unfair.) because it’s too close to the original color. He warns Emilioth against running out of time. He should warn him that he’s doing the Campbell’s challenge all over again.

You know what the judges will be in the mood for? More RED.

The models come in for fittings. Straight Guy’s work is looking pretty awesome so far. It’s like armor in basket weave. Jaysian is basically making the same thing Pong made in the potato sack challenge. But worse, cuz making a Pong mistake is an eliminateable offense these days.

Also, didn’t Judi Dench say that the detailing had to be on the top cuz that was the part that was gonna show on the magazine? What is he thinking? Luckily for him, Amish Girl is doing much, much worse.

When the model’s leave, Mila goes back to the sewing room and says “good! No one dared go near my machine.” Then goofy clown music plays as people tell us why they hate her. Jaysian thinks she’s fake and insincere, and Emilioth sayth she’th a one note dethigner. Time to freak out!! Emilio’s dress is too short, Amish Girl’s work is too grodie, and it’s time to go home for the night. The next morning, Flamingay does this in front of the mirror:

Well when you put it that way, it makes sense. Unfortunately you don’t stand like that all day and I just get confused.

On their way out, Jonathan is told not to forget his purse and he’s all “I got it!” I really, really love this show.

Tim comes into the workroom and tells the designers that this is the biggest challenge in Project Runway history. We get it, Tim! Jesus shut up already. Models come in for fittings then head to makeup. Flamingay says he doesn’t want anything costumey cuz that’s how the judges are always describing him. The best part of this is that he’s wearing this bracelet while he says it.

Emilioth takes time out to tell us how much everyone around him suckth. Shut up Emilio! And wearing a different hat every day doesn’t make you fashionable, it makes you insecure about baldness. Only ten minutes til runway time! Betsey Wetsey tells us again how much she sucks. Her sewing machine breaks, and still she doesn’t cry. Useless! Ben’s model is a little Sarah Jessica-y today. Guys. Carrie dressed like that on Sex and the City cuz it was a SITCOM.

Big didn’t call me back. I’m gonna cheat on him.

Ben thinks he really got it right this time and that “this is my moment!” Poor little fella. Runway time!! Heidi comes out in all black again. I don’t think you should go for a slimming effect when you’re pregnant. It’s like denying your child, and that’s mean. Ben is wearing a scarf that allows him to feel what it’s like to have some chest hair for a day.

She intros the judges. Did you see that Oprah back in the day when she rolled out a tiny red wagon filled with hundreds of pounds of fat? That’s what Kors’ face color looks like today.

Watch out! It’s about to spill out of the wagon!

You know we’re a few weeks into the season now cuz Nina’s finally starting to get a little of her bed head frizz back. She only irons once a season.

Judi Dench Blanchett is here too. She looks like an icicle. Irana is first, and her dress is an ode to melted crayons or a sobbing clown. And is her model wearing a Sex and the City flower? COME ON! When was the finale of that show? Let it go already. She should be eliminated for that alone. Sex and the City twice in a recap. I’m not proud, but we should blame the show. Not the victim.

Hacks and the City

Old Ham made a really hot silver suit. The inseams around the crotch are a little weird, but Heidi seems like the type to have a funky ass crotch so it could work. Love it. He just better hope she’s not pregnant again by the time the cover shoots. She’s like a production line.

Straight Guy’s armor thing looked way better when it wasn’t finished and wasn’t on a model. Now it just looks poorly constructed and bunched up. I think his model is the crossdresser, too. She looks like she just did twenty five pull ups.

Amish Girl’s isn’t as horrifying as last week’s travesty, but it’s not good. Black shorts with light blue and silver? And she’s DEFINITELY betting Heidi will be preggo again by April.

Flamingay’s dress is the best he’s done so far. He refined his McDonald’s ice cream cone. Now it’s melted and looks way better. He even loaned his model the bracelet he was wearing.

Betsey Wetsey led us to believe her work was going to be hideous, and it’s not that bad. It is very bridal though, and way too little girl-y for a Victoria’s Secret model.

Mila’s dress is flesh toned, which will look busted on a magazine cover. And I don’t think the giant gaping vagina theme will really work well for a woman who’s had so many children. You know, like accentuate the positive.

Jeeze. Cross your legs.

Emilioth made a Campbell’s Soup Ice Skating dress. It’s tacky and boring. Which is fitting.

Jaysian’s dress turned into a pregnant slutty bride dress. If I were Heidi I’d be offended. It’s not hideous, just waaaay done before. On St Ives commercials. And the homecoming corsage is a bit much.

Jonathan hasn’t made one dress that I can remember this season. He sure changed that today. To celebrate the 42nd Anniversary of the film, he’s put Barbarella in diapers.

Jane Fonda is sitting at home very offended right now.

Jonathan says his design looks like butter. Butter makes models throw up, so it seems like bad planning on his part. Maya did a pointing to the womb dress too, but the neck detailing looks like the underside of a snail. I don’t get it. She’s obsessed with circles on necks though, so good for her for following through on her vision again I guess.

Ben’s dress is super 70′s. Kinda love it cuz it’s loud and unique (which is lacking today), especially the belt. I don’t get the big diamond shaped thing on the middle though. Everyone is trying to camouflage the baby that will be born by the time this cover shoots.

Straight Guy is dressed like American Psycho when he starred in Newsies.

Old Ham, Jaysian, Maya, Straight Guy, Jonathan, and Irana are all safe and excused. Judi Dench Blanchett looks like she’s about to mince up a model and put her on a cracker.

Ben describes his dress as Madame Butterfly in Technicolor. From here it looks like a Vegas hotel with crime scene tape all over it.

Kors thinks that this will look good on a newsstand, and Nina thinks both the front and back are gorge. Dench Blanchett thinks whoever wears it should have confidence. Because she might be made fun of.

Nina thinks Amish Girl’s dress wouldn’t flatter Heidi at all, and Dench Blanchett says the outfit is three ingredients to a dish that make you nauseous. HAHA. Hire her now! Kors says it looks very teen magazine. Heidi likes each piece but Amish didn’t push the envelope enough.

Flamingay says that he tried to make something perfect for Heidi, and Kors says that he’s finally dropped the costumey thing and entered modern times. Nina likes that he embraced color, and Heidi thinks the model looks beautiful. Betsey Wetsey says she was inspired by the ocean. Kors thinks it should drown, Heidi thinks it looks too old, and Dench Blanchett says it’s the sea, but a polluted sea with plastic bottles in it. HAHAHAHAHAH. Nina thinks it’s too sweet, and says that Heidi’s not sweet at all. Love it.

Mila blabs on about her dress and we see it in close up. Dimpling and puckering everywhere. Not ok.

Kors thinks it looks like an ace bandage. Nina hates the arrows pointing to the crotch. Emilioth’s red dress is lauded by Kors for making Jersey so structured, but Nina thinks it’s too Juior with the straps, so Emilioth whips out scissors and cuts them off. And they love it! My guess is that Mila’s out, but it should be Amish. In alone time, the judges repeat themselves, and they say that at least Amish made separates, which means she’ll probably stay.

Heidi liked Emilioth but takes points off for having to redesign. Dench Blanchett thinks that means he thinks on his feeth. They all love the confidence in Ben’s work, and call Flamingay’s dress gorge. The designers are brought back out, and Mila looks like she’s thinking up ways to incinerate the world before Bullwinkle catches her.

Did you guys know that this is THE BIGGEST CHALLENGE EVAH?!?! Heidi reminds us. The winner will not get immunity, and Flamingay wins!! He squeals and cheers and claps like a seal and plays peekaboo and doesn’t leave the stage for a really long time. Go Flamingay!!! Everyone is super happy for him. Glad Mila didn’t see them all cheering him. Ben is safe and so is Emilioth. Mila’s in!! Betsey Wetsey and Amish Girl are the bottom two, just as they predicted they would be. Heidi disses them and then aufs….Amish Girl!! Betsey Wetsey cries anyway though, cuz of her name and all. She tells Amish how wonderful she is, and Nina looks really touched.

I can’t wait to get home and skin that cat I found in the alley.

Amish is a sweet girl and takes her elimination really well. I feel bad cuz I like her, but I’m glad for the cows back home. You know they haven’t been milked properly since she left. And hey, what about all this battleground drama we were supposed to see tonight? NOTHING. Liars. Next week, little girl hell.

See you next time! Til then, wear a condom.