Project Runway: The Return of the Evil Sidekick

Tonight on Project Runway, Nina eats babies, designers act like little girls about working with little girls, and we witness the return of an old friend!

Previously, Anthony the Flamingay won! HOLLER!! Amish Girl was sent back to the farm, and Mila had the power to get rid of one of the models. Neither one of them had bangs, so she she aufed the one with more split ends. You can say a lot about Mila, but she’s fair.

I would use conditioner but it has so many calories!

Retired Adam Hambert wakes up looking exactly how he does all day. Like dog shit. The only difference is he’s not wearing a Howdy Doody kerchief or assless chaps.

Copyright Pong Designs

Flamingay tells us that being in the bottom three twice does something really bad to your spirit. Still, though, he’s smiling big and showing off as much cleavage as possible. That’s a pro!

He won last week but doesn’t get immunity this time around, so he’s gotta keep his eyes on the ball. Instead, he keeps them on Old Ham’s balls.

Those things are below your knees! How old are you?

Betsey Wetsey is horrified at how much Judi Dench Blanchett from Marie Clayuh hated her work, but she doesn’t cry. She’s starting out this episode with a lot of pep, so I have my fingers crossed for a meltdown by minute 43. Come through, Betsey! Meanwhile, Straight Guy and Emilio whisper about stuff in bed. Whatever it is is turning them both on a little too much. There are some places cameras just shouldn’t be.

Heidi comes out on the runway in a toga and still looks thinner than anyone I know. Bitch. There are new models today! And they’re little girls! The designers are pretty unpleasantly shocked, but the little girls are too. Check this girl out as she sees Mila for the first time.

Fuck this! I’m outta here!

Straight Guy tells us how hard this is going to be cuz you have to think about different proportions and “what to bring to a child.” How bout a really shitty attitude? That’ll do it! Emilioth’s after jerk off glow is wiped off his face faster than the remnants of Straight Guy.

Turn them all into sausage.

The kids announce their designers. Thankfully, the one with a heavy lisp doesn’t go to Emilioth. How confusing would that have been? Poor subtitle writer would have had bloody fingers by the end of the epi. Old Ham tells us kids love specific things and hate specific things, and since he’s a dad he knows what those things are. I would buy that, but his kids let him walk around looking like a leather bottom with Meemaw hair so I can only assume those children are wack in the taste department. What’s that noise? It’s deafening! I think it must be the sound of Maya’s womb screaming.

Stop stressing! You’re not Mila. Yet.

When Jonathan is assigned, dramatic music plays as he tells us he’s afraid of children and doesn’t surround himself with them. LOL. In his defense, his child is named Fabriana. Parents, just stop it. You’re embarrassing your children, yourselves, and the alphabet.

Febreezelaudryfreshina

The designers get back to the workroom to find tiny dress forms waiting for them. They get 30 min to sketch and a 50 buck budget. Unfortunately, the little girls have no say in any of this. Man it sucks being a kid. Jonathan whines more about hating kids, and it’s hard to not get a little worried when we see he’s sketching a little girl with a missing torso.

Security!

Flamingay is worried that the little girls don’t have boobies and big butts to design for. Where the hell has he been working these past five episodes? Cuz there isn’t one booby or ass on the runway this season. Except for his. Besides, the producers were nice and gave him the chunky girl. I don’t mean that as an insult so get off my ass. I was that chunky girl. But not as cute. And not a girl. Well, technically. Where was I?

Straight Guy’s been to Paris!! WOWEE!! I wonder if that’s when he started wearing scarves. Booooo French things! Well, except for croissants. Point is, Straight Guy saw little girls in France and this is what they look like.

Handless. French parenting can be ruthless.

It’s sweet that he’s going to try and make a dog for his girl, though. He’s not going to just make ugly clothes, he’s going to create an ugly life. AW!!! Emilioth thays that the other dethignerth are trying to be too original. Hith plan ith to just make thomething normal. Do that. Quietly. Shhhhhhth. Let’s go to Mood!

Flamingay stares at fabric and mutters “if I was a little girl….” oh no. That’s not how you should be thinking. I used to always try to think like a little girl when I was younger and the memories still haunt me.

Hey you guys ready for some good news? Qristyl from last season got a job!

Old Ham wants to make a checkered hoodie but can’t find checkered fabric. Which says a lot about Mood’s taste level. Well done, Mood! He does, however, find a houndstooth wool. One thing kids specifically love? Clothes that scratch the shit out of them every time they move.

Back at the workroom, Jaysian says how kids today are totes fashion forward. Wow, he’s got his finger on the pulse. Wait. No he doesn’t. He’s making a costume for Peggy on Mad Men. Poor girl’s gonna have a baby and not even know she was pregnant. Life ruiner.

Jonathan is covering his dress in crime scene tape. This man isn’t safe.

Consider yourself warned, brat.

Jonathan does a spot on impersonation of Kors, though. “She looks like a seven year old waitress from Benihana” LOL. Mila is doing color blocking AGAIN, and this time she’s making something she’s probably worn a million times. That Girl.

How…forward?

EW. I can’t stop staring at that thing. I mean come on, even a little girl in 1962 (when this style was popular) would be grossed out. I wonder if Mila takes baths in milk and listens to dramas on the radio. Emilioth gives her shit about the color blocking and she just laughs it off. HUH? She says that way back when she started the show, she wasn’t getting along with the other designers. Cut to clip of her like last week being an ass. “Now that I’m centered,” she’s getting along with everyone. What does that even mean? Alright, who left a box of Franzia on the crafts services table? The producers are just gonna get them drunk now so they’ll at least talk. Flamingay pipes up and shouts “coluh block? That cood be a sermon!” I don’t know what the hell he’s saying, but I’m laughing anyway.

Betsey Wetsey, who opened the episode talking about how she had to prove herself this week, says that she’s going to make a simple red romper her sister used to wear under a bee costume when they were kids. Uh…..I don’t know what to say to that. I really don’t. She can’t believe all the work the other designers are putting in. The seaming! The detailing! Every little girl really wants to be in a onesie until they’re thirty.

Old Ham’s hoodie is turning out super cute. I would take back the rudeness I spouted earlier but that would require effort so I’ll just be confident judging too soon. Emilioth doesn’t get it, but as Ham wisely points out, Emilio doesn’t get it and is making a freaking Easter dress, which is true. Emilioth thayth “if I get eliminated cuth of a kid….” then it will mean your design thucked the most, Mary. Shut up and stop sucking so much.

That looks like the cheap ass mosquito netting Paula Abdul forced on African children during Idol Gives Back.

Tim hasn’t been in to check on progress at all today, and Mila thinks that means there’s gonna be a twist. I know she’s right cuz they already showed us at the opening of the show. Thanks Lifetime! The next morning, Betsey Wetsey is worried. And she should be, because she’s allowed to make a call on the Sidekick of Doom. Now last year, the whole talking on the Sidekick and then getting aufed thing was messed up, but that whole season is now being swept under the rug. I think they’re bringing it back, which is wise cuz this show’s just not the same without it. It’s like the worst product placement ever. I can’t believe that idiotic company still pays to be here.

Losers like sidekicks!

She calls her husband and she talks to him in five year old voice. EW. Then she cries! YAY!

Sure as pee specks on a straight dude’s toilet seat, Tim shows up to the workroom and announces that there is a second part to the challenge! They will have to make a corresponding look for the models. Cuz they have their own show and all that. The new looks aren’t supposed to just be blown up versions of the little dresses, but that’s pretty much all he says. Emilioth is worried, and he should be. He describes his dress as a little pink cupcake, and he’s right again. Betsey Wetsey is glad to make the second look, cuz it has to look better than the first.

Right now, it just looks like Ben in a beach towel.

Mood is as thrilling the second time as it was the first. Which means we can skip it. Emilioth buys the wrong color pink, and it’s not the complimentary kind of wrong. It’s just bad. What is the complimentary kind of wrong? Don’t question me. Flamingay tells a way too long story about how his mom had a cough in church and then blamed it on someone else. Mila gets mad cuz he made her lose her measurement. Centering, gone. The designers challenge Flamingay to not speak and tone down the shape of his lips in the process. I am offended for him.

He makes it fifteen whole minutes. HAHA. Tim comes in to check on them and starts with Jonathan. “I love what you’ve done!” Really, Tim? Lifetime needs to start drug testing all their employees. Tim hasn’t been the same since LA.

Wings and a bib. Why?

Betsey Wetsey has complimented her bright orange little girl dress with a black adult dress. Tim tells her it’s Halloween time. Betsey Wetsey hugs him and thanks him for the advice, except she doesn’t.

WAAAH!!!

Tim isn’t sure if Amy Irana is making something fabulous or if she’s making clown clothes. I’m not sure either. I am sure that I haven’t played Twister for a long time, though. That game was so fun when I could still touch the floor while on my feet.

Now it just looks sad and painful.

Both of Old Ham’s pieces look killer. He’s winning this one. The brats and the little girls are brought in. Before you know it, the room is full of squeals, and Febreezefreshlaundriana doesn’t like her plain Jane dress. HAHAHA. Betsey Wetsey thinks that this might not be her best moment, but she’ll be safe. Nope. The next day, the little girls are totally at home and imitating the designers.

Straight Guy

One little girl tells Flamingay that her dog is 77. HAHAHA. Another tells him her dog is her sister. LOLOLLLLL. He asks them if they have an off switch. That was hilarious. My ovaries are totally thumping right now you guys.

Betsey Wetsey tries to pump herself up about how great her work is, but it doesn’t seem to be working. Jonathan tells us that his big master plan from the beginning was to play it safe til the halfway point and then come out with guns blazing. Well, you got the mediocre part down. Well done! Baby steps. Irana’s little girl asks if she’s ever been to the circus. Harmless question, but it’s not cuz she’s totally wearing the circus dress Irana made. Little skank!!

Time for the runway show!! Heidi introduces the judges. Kors is the color of a raw steak that was left on the kitchen counter overnight.

Nina looks evil. Hey Nina, swallow your baby parts before the cameras are on! You’re gonna get arrested.

The guest judge is Tory Burch, and she’s nice and cute and I don’t really have anything bad to say about her. I know. I’m a disappointment. Thin cute blonde girls used to beat me up in school so I generally leave them alone. Flamingay’s out first. Red and pink? Not usually wise. The dresses aren’t very good together, but alone they’re better. Pretty meh. But he shouldn’t be kicked auf for this. He took a page from the Book of Irana on the model’s collar, and he stole well.

Irana’s next, and her looks are both insane. On a little girl it makes sense, but the model looks like felt circles cut out in Bible Class. Except in Bible Class you have to cut the shapes to look like Jesus and stuff. Ok it looks worse than Bible Class. And what’s on the little girl’s butt? Did Irana make her a poop flap? Cuz she’s not two.

I just can’t understand why daddy left us.

I don’t know if I can fully explain how fug this is, so here’s another pic.

Ben’s made clothes for the most boring mother daugher pair in the world.

Both of Ham’s pieces are fab.

Straight Guy’s little girl dress is very orphan during the Depression Era, and the model dress is futuristic. I don’t know if he did that on purpose or not. I don’t know why he does anything he does. Is that little girl in a bow tie?

He’s super excited about it. Is the little girl dress under her armpit on purpose? I’m as confused as Straight Guy’s wife must feel.

You know that aunt who always has Kleenex in her pocket? Well, Jonathan designed a tribute to her.

His little girl dress looks exactly like what it is. A dress made by someone who hates children. I thought Maya would excel in this challenge, but meh. A tiny raincoat with black leggings for the kid and modernized mom jeans and a neon jacket for the mom that clashes with the kid.

The only redeeming thing about this is that it got the “Mom Jeans!” song stuck in my head. I love that song.

I can’t tell if Nina likes it or not. She’s too busy unhinging her head to swallow the little girl.

Time for dessert.

Mila’s next. One looks like a color blind old lady and the other looks like a model in black leggings and a dressy lab coat.

Mila says she’s confident, but she watches the models with one eye and the judges with another.

Emilioth little girl looks like an extra on Little House on the Prairie. But made today so there could be Asian children in town. The mom dress is simple, but pretty. The colors don’t look as hideous together as I thought they would. Compared to a lot of the crap that’s come down the runway, this isn’t too bad.

Betsey Wetsey is so going home tonight. Wow. Even worse than I imagined, and I literally imagined an ambulance crashing into a flock of nuns in a cross walk.

Kors can’t quite grasp what’s happening.

That is one confused waddle.

Jaysian went super dark, but I love what he did. The mom top is really cool. It’s like one of those paper lanterns moms put up for birthday parties. The little girls dress is cute too, but the mom’s got it goin on.

Jaysian, Irana, Jonathan and Old Ham, Straight Guy, and Betsey Wetsey are kept on the runway. Jonathan, Betsey Wetsey, and Irana are in the bottom three. How is Straight Guy in the top three? Those outfits are both fug and he’s dressed like Madonna before she found laser hair removal. BOOOOOO!

I’m making that same gesture with my hand right now.

Heidi wishes it was straight instead of all lopsided, and Guest likes the grey. Nina calls it adorable but says the model mom just looks pretty good. Old Ham’s little girl likes her purse the best. Nina rolls her eyes and laughs at this.

I’ve got a bottle of KC Masterpiece Hot n’ Spicy BBQ Sauce with your name all over it. Get over here.

Kors says the mom jacket is the best tailoring they’ve seen all season, Guest thinks the kids work is perf, and Nina gives him an all around bravo. Oooh slam, Lifetime! Kors calls Jaysian’s work chic, and Nina says they’re modern, New York and cool.

Now for the losers!! Betsey Wetsey tries to talk up her work, but Nina thinks it’s plain, Heidi thinks it looks like a cheap mall outfit. Guest hates the little girl top, and Kors says the mom jacket is home ec all the way. Heidi says Jonathan’s kid looks uncomfortable, and the little girl says she’s right. Kors says the model looks like she was tp’ed. Kors continues on his rampgayge, saying Irana’s kid looks like her house was on fire and she grabbed everything she could, and the mom’s pants are a trainwreck. Nina says circus, and Heidi says hideous. The little girl says she likes it a little. LOL thanks for the help kid. When Kors asks if she’d wear it in real life, the kid says she’d trust Irana’s judgment. HA how cute is she? Too cute to live. Nina will take care of that.

In alone time, the judges are all about Straight Guy and Old Ham. Guest seems more into Ham. They give Jaysian credit for giving a youthful edge to such a sophisticated color palette. Heidi can’t believe Irana made something so fug, but everyone can believe Betsey Wetsey did. They give Jonathan credit for having big ideas, but that’s the only nice thing they can say. The six designers are brought back. Straight Guy’s safe! Old Ham wins!!! Deserved. Good for him. Now go take a bath.

Jonathan’s safe, leaving Betsey and Irana! No way they’re getting rid of Irana. Heidi tells her off a little bit, but of course Betsey Wetsey’s out. She smiles big and takes it like a man. But not.

Wetsey says she’s not quitting just cuz Heidi wouldn’t be caught dead in her clothes. She insists that she’ll be international in the next couple of years…”not HUGE, but still…” LOL way to shoot for the stars, nutcase. All in all, this seemed like a fair episode from here. I am sad that there’s not a crier left on the season, but I’m excited to see the return of the Sidekick of Doom! Love you guys, see you next week, which involves a hardware store!