Project Runway: The Homo Depot

Tonight on Project Runway, PeeWee Herman comes up with a new character, Emilioth pronounces a bunch of stuff wrong, and a giant bites off Jaysian’s head.

Last week, there wasn’t an episode. Usually this would mean a night off and celebration, but I’m sorry. I was hungry for screaming queens and there was nothing to satisfy me!

All better.

I heard the reason it was a repeat last week was cuz Lifetime figured everyone would be watching male ice skating on the Olympics. LOL. Only this show would do that. Gay people are only ten percent of the population and we can’t be split up onto too many different channels.

Ten designers left!! Emilioth tellth uth that thith ith the time to pull out all the sthtops. Why don’t you pull out the sthtops? OR JUST STHTOP TALKING. Why is TV land trying to shove lispers down our throat? This show and now American Idol. Are speech impedimented people the next class of minorities or some shit? Cuz if lispers start getting full scholarships on our tax dollars I’m gonna be pithed.

Mila is sad that so many women have been kicked off. Riiiight. She says that it’s empowering that there are still three of them left. I don’t know how that’s empowering, but I’ll roll with it cuz I’ve had a week off. After all, she didn’t say “empowering to women”, she’s just got enough couth to not say “empowering to me.” The guys way outnumber them, and before Old Ham and his roomies leave for the day they do a four is enough cheer. By the end of the day, may four people return!! Jaysian says “three”. He either miscounted or doesn’t consider himself one of the guys. If this was, say, any other show, I would understand his insecurity, but he’s standing in between Ben and Flamingay, who’s dressed like the incredible Hulk’s Mom in her finest wintergreen church jacket.

Where do they even sell jackets in that color?

Happy St. Patricksgay. Let’s go out and drink some green queer. What am I talking about? I don’t know. Why am I still typing? Still don’t know. Shamcock.

Didn’t Heidi already wear this? Damn Heidi. Did you have a long night or what? You should keep a change of clothes at the office just in case. Pregnant slut.

In her defense, there are only so many dresses that can make you look like you’re standing behind a houseplant in 1953.

Stop trying to camouflage the kid. He’s gonna have a complex. Retired Adam Habert has immunity today. Unfortunately, that only extends to the boundaries of the show and doesn’t cover things like syphilis or bacterial vaginosis or general Peter Goth Pan syndrome. In other words, you’re safe, but you’re still forty and need antibiotics. Sorry, champ!

Heidi is super cryptic tonight, saying Tim will meet them to give them their “TOOOOLS” for the challenge. As obvious as this may seem (cuz I’ve seen commercials for it for two weeks), Straight Guy is confused and already slightly offended.

How am I supposed to make an entire dress out of penises? I’M STRAIGHT, K!?

Since the show is about tools, let’s go say hi to Kors at his store!!

Your forehead looks so smooth!

Oh wait. Sorry. That was an employee or something. This is the real Kors. He’s injected all the fat from his jowls into his face. He may have less wrinkles for now, but he looks like a volleyball that got left out in the sun. For decades.

You don’t look younger, dude, just scarier. How are your eyes even still moving?

If we weren’t shown a shot of the back of his head, I’d guess that he’s taken a rubber band and pulled his extra skin back super tight like a ponytail made out of sharpei puppy.

They designers are gonna have to think outside the box today! They will have to shop at Homo Depot!! Guess who’s scared shitless? All the gay people. Seriously. Look at Emilio’th face.

He’s offended that he’s being asked to get “crafty”. He’s an artitht, dammit! They not only have to make clothes, they have to make accessories too. This has just started and it’s already my favorite challenge. No Homo Depot! This is New York, so they have to entice you to buy hardware in different ways. Like having a super fancy sign and a name that sounds a little too much like semen.

Got any holes to plug or pipes to flush? Come to Semen’s! Swallow up our discounts!

They get a hundred and fifty bucks and thirty minutes to shop. Emilioth kinda stands in an aisle and just screams for help. He ends up just taking washers and cord, and he can barely lift it all. I can’t wait to see these models walk in heavy stuff. Limping’s funny. Emilioth is way over budget so he only gets to keep half of what he took. Hey, this isn’t a math competition, ok? At least he knows the difference between three and four, JAYSIAN!

Jaysian, whose hair is indescribable today,

says that everyone is taking the easy way out and making a dress, so he’s gonna really push the boundaries and make some pants. Chigga please. You can’t even draw pants.

Girls with square vaginas rejoice!

Straight Guy says that it’s pretty rough, so he’s just hoping (in a nice way) that someone crashes and burns. Cut to Old Ham, who’s taking a hammer to a sheet of metal and a dress form. It’s disturbing. I’m guessing while watching this that his wife is fairly obedient.

Sir, being served a cold dinner is no reason to treat a woman like this.

Mila’s like fuck this I’m just gonna concentrate on a pretty necklace and pray the rest works itself out. This is the perfect time for her to take a ruler and put it up to her bangs to try and straighten that shit out, but she doesn’t. You can lead a horse to water, but then it wouldn’t be thirsty and need you as much and might give you more attitude in the long run. So fuck it. Let the horse be thirsty.

Flamingay is going for “soft and airy”, and Jonathan hates tools more than he hates children. Emilioth doesn’t have enough cord, so he’s using hot pink string and washers to make macrame. LOL. The other designers make fun of him for making a stripper outfit, and he gets all pissy and leaves to take a breath and chew on his tongue for awhile. It looks like he’s heading for disaster, but it can’t be as bad as whatever it is Kirstie Alley’s heading for.

When we come back from break, Emilio’th still frustrated and I’m eating two Hot Pockets at the same time. I blame Kirstie Alley. Ben has chosen to work with copper, and he’s surprised at how hard it is to work with. “My hands look like they’ve been attacked by a feral animal.” LOL. Mila is going for black and white, and knows that the judges will probably be sick of that by now but she doesn’t care. There is banging and pounding all over the room, and it’s starting to make Emilioth crazy.

For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf

Straight Guy bought mesh which turned out to be sticky, like a giant piece of fly paper. You guys, sometimes we need to take a break from the fun of gay breakdowns and tool confusion to hear real stories about real people. Did you know Jaysian comes from a poor immigrant family? Let’s watch him cry about it! He’s had to fight for everything he’s got!

All my life I had to fight. I had to fight my daddy. I had to fight my uncles. I had to fight my brothers. A girl child ain’t safe in a family of men, but I ain’t never thought I’d have to fight in my own house!

OK, Color Purple. You know what I had for lunch today? FINGERNAILS! WAAAHHHH. Then I shoplifted some Hot Pockets. Cuz it’s manlier than crying on Lifetime. Grow a pair, Jaysian! Being poor tells us a lot about who he is as a designer. But does it explain why you’re wearing jorts right now? DOES IT?!

Poor people are so gauche.

Flamingay can’t figure out how to sew all this stuff together. “These materials are startin’ to control me!” I love him so hard. He says that he paid forty five dollars for duct tape and it’s not sticking to anything. DAMN! Forty five bucks? New York is a bitch. I moved away when cigarettes started costing ten bucks. And that was seven years ago. Now they only take toddlers as payment, and my ovaries are all dried up. Bastards.

Tim comes in to check on progress, and says “I feel like I’m in the arms and armor wing at the Met!” No one gets it. LOL. Oh Tim and his blue collar humor. He makes Frasier Crane look like Kevin James. He starts with Mia and is excited by her black and white paint tray outfit. Straight Guy is going for Elizabethan, but Tim says Elizabethan women didn’t wear mini skirts and it looks like a school play. “And not even high school or college. Elementary School.” Straight Guy doesn’t know how to take that, so he stays quiet and then giggles. When that doesn’t work, he shows off some cleave.

Tim looks around the room and sees that a lot of people are using copper. He no likey. Pennies don’t bring fancy to mind. When he gets to Emilioth, he scrunches his face and says “what are you doing?” HAHAHA. Emilioth tries to describe it as intergalactic, but it’s just a bunch of pink string hanging off the dress form’s neck. Tim asks if it’s gonna be a bikini, and then suggests that his innovation can be a bottomless dress. Pong already did that. I feel awful for Emilioth, and by awful I mean I hope and pray that we get to see him sob and spit all over the camera at some point during this episode.

Tim knows Flamigay’s work is his cuz of the color. Tim says it’s “tortured” and “a horror”. Jaysian is next and Tim is impressed with the leatherish looking pants made out of trash bags. Let’s study Tim’s impressed face.

Jaysian’s pants might not fit and he might not be able to sew a zipper into them without breaking them and he might not have time to make an accessory, but otherwise great work. I don’t want to hear excuses from him. If anyone should know how to make do with odd materials it’s a poor person. Right now I’m using an old Karen Carpener album as a plate for my Hot Pockets. Partly cuz I don’t have a record player any more, partly cuz I don’t want to do a dish, and partly cuz I’m hoping it will inspire me to throw up later.

Maya’s doing something pretty cool with Venetian blind cords for the collar, and Tim calls her necklace stunning. It looks like baby corns from here, but it’s actually made out of giant keys. If lesbians watched this show, they might be inspired to ditch those dyke chains they wear on their belt loops and switch to something a little more fashion forward.

Granted, this might make it a little more difficult to open storage closets and stuff, or whatever they do with those keys. Seriously, lesbians. What’s with the keys? Stop locking everything up. No one’s gonna steal your mullet.

The models come in for fittings, and Jaysian’s model can’t even get her feet into her pants. Emilioth doesn’t have anything done, so he pitches “Valley of the Dolls 2010″ to her. She’s like “what’s that?” then snorts some crushed up aspirin off the table. Jaysian’s model is super supportive and says “I’ll Crisco if you need it.” If he had a nickel….well, he wouldn’t be crying about being poor. He’d be crying about the huge cut those stupid Coinstar things take.

Ben and Jonathan are using copper too, so Straight Guy decides to paint his silver. Bad move. Emilioth decides that he’s gonna just make a bathing suit after all. Ruhroh. That can’t be good. Cry, dammit!! The next morning, Emilioth jokes that this will be the first challenge that everyone’s gonna be in the bottom ten. HAHA. Over at Bravo, they call that The Fashion Show.

Time for final fittings and hair and makeup! Jaysian has to sew his model into the garbage bags so she won’t be able to pee. Or sweat. She’s gonna sue when she gets zits all over her legs. Or dies. You know that model that looks like a giant drag queen? The editors give us a closeup that supposedly erases our doubts, but JMo took me to a drag show one time and a peen fell out and the dude grabbed it and shoved it all the way back into his cornhole, so I’m not buyin it.

Hey Emilioth, the Thidekick’th ringing.

The bikini bottoms won’t stay up cuz they’re covered in washers. Flamingay tells us that Emilioth is in troubs cuz not only is he making a bikini, he’s making a super tacky bikini. Flamingay calling anyone tacky is…well it’s not anyone it’s Emilioth so I’m behind him. Then Flamingay goes on to tell us that at least three of the other looks are tortured. “Jessie’s garment looks tortured. And not only does Jessie’s garment look tortured, Seth Aaron’s garment looks tortured. And so does Ben’s. All those garments look…tortured!” BWAHA. Tim called Flamingay’s work “tortured” and it stuck, I guess. It’s like he’s never heard that word before and he’s fascinated by the sound of it. If I knew their address I’d send Flamingthony a word a day calendar, just to watch him spout off simple English like a robot.

Runway time!! Heidi’s changed her clothes, and instead of camouflaging her own baby, she makes the All New people do it.

It might help if you’d get skinny Heidi out of our faces for five seconds.

Let’s say hi to the judges! Kors took off the rubber band.

Nina’s theme of the week is SHOULDERS. One pad looks way bigger than the other one, making her look like a before and after shot. I’m not sure which one looks better. On the positive side, she’s used FrizzEase.

Paul Ruebens, proving that he’s more than just PeeWee Herman, has shown up tonight as a designer who made Michelle Obama’s inauguration dress.

I don’t usually recommend this, but BANGS.

There’s another guest here, too. At first I though damn, Steven Weber from Wings looks ate up spit out ate up again and then pooped on the lawn, but alas, it’s Steven Webster the jewelry designer.

Steven Weber is still, thankfully, semi hot.

In unrelated news, Andrew Lloyd Webber still looks like an amused toad.

Mila is first. Her black and white paint pan creation is pretty hot. It’s amazing how she can take different materials and still do the same thing. This has more edge than most of her other stuff. Or, edges. Sorry I had to.

On closer inspection, the skirt looks great but the top just makes me think about how hard it must have been to do laundry before washing machines.

Who doesn’t want to wear a dress that says “Strongest Skid Mark Fighter on the Market in the 1800′s”?

Straight Guy’s next, and his work is pretty bad. Even though I was huge Anne Richards fan, I don’t like skirts that look like her hairdo.

LOVE what Jonathan did! He was going for C3P0 and he did it well.

Flamigay’s work is really pretty, but super plain which might get him in troubs. I wish we knew what the hell they used as their materials. I guess I could have written that down earlier but there was so much noise and crying and lithping. DAMMIT. He could have embellished his sheet metal belt a little, but he should be safe at least. This doesn’t look like it came from a hardware store.

Ben is proud of the fact that his beat up copper dress is “levitating around” his model and not touching her body. In the real world, that’s called “doesn’t fit.” Meh. It’s a simple short dress made out of copper. She looks like a pipe with an eating disorder.

Emilioth is next and OH. MY. GAWD. He actually makes Shakira look like a tasteful society lady. Hideous. If this poor girl actually wears this outside the sun will heat up all those washers and scar her for life. And he totally stole the rectangular vagina idea from Jaysian. There’s no way he’s not out tonight.

He smiles as the model walks and tells us that he can hear jawth drop. “There’th no way you can tell that came out of a hardware thtore!” Yeah you’ve really done a great job of making those washers look like…well, exactly like washers.

Because once can’t be enough.

Jaysian’s next. Because of Jaysian’s hair, jorts, low cut cleave tees and general bimbo personality, I always expect him to be terrible. But he’s good! Love what he did. The leather pants are awesome (except for that tear ? on the knee) and his top is cool and unique too, even though it makes the model look like she never lost the baby skin after giving birth ten times.

Old Ham did an amazing job last week and I was expecting him to kick ass again, but not so much. His sheet metal top looks like…sheet metal and the skirt looks like it’s made from one of those sun reflector things you put on your windshield on a sunny day.

Every time I hug someone they die. WHY DOES’T ANYONE LOVE MEEEE?!?

He also gave her a neck tattoo, which is just fug. Whatevs, he’s safe no matter what. Irana’s skrt is cool, and the top is too. Love the shapes. I could do without the giant fan made out of sandpaper, but she’s obsessed with circles so there you go.

From seeing the giant collar Maya worked on throughout the episode, I thought hers was gonna be the best. Nope. The model looks like Betty Page resurrected as a power hungry office manager in 2130.

Could you open the break room? I’m sorry. Could you open the break room PLEASE?

Ben, Jonathan, Irana, and Hambert are all safe. I thought Jonathan had a shot! He might wanna talk less about hating children around a woman who drops more babies than a horny hamster. Nina calls Mila’s work extraordinary, and Webster says her wrist cuffs are the best accessories hands down. Nina asks Emilioth “what happened?” Emilioth says that he wanted to be different, and Kors says it looks cheesy. PeeWee likes the instinct to do something different but that’s it. Kors says Flamingay’s dress is a bad prom dress. Ouch. More proof that my taste level is in the toilet cuz I thought it was perty. Nina calls it boring, and Webster says he went to the software store instead of the hardware store. Huh?

Kors loves Maya’s work, Nina appreciates her restraint, and Heidi can’t tell it came from the hardware store. Straight Guy is next. Nina says it’s too Tin Man and Kors says she looks like a Hershey’s kiss but he likes the asymmetry and stitching on the back. Jewelry guy says that it looks like a vacuum, and Heidi says no it’s a dirty vacuum bag. LOL. Heidi says Jaysian’s leather pants and belt are fantastic and amazing. PeeWee says amazing too, then starts masturbating until the police come drag her away for public indecency. In alone time, the judges repeat themselves. I have my fingers crossed for Flamingay!!! Don’t steal my joy, judges! He’s just learned the word “tortured”! There’s a whole dictionary to get through!

Nina stands up for Emilioth, saying “it wasn’t so bad!” They really hated Straight Guy’s, but they call Flamingay boring, which is the worst criticism you can dish out on this show. I have to pause and laugh at myself cuz I’m actually nervous!! Jaysian wins!!! He jumps up and down and giggles. Then he screams and squeals. As he goes backstage, the Amazon Drag Queen model picks him up and eats his head off. Her designer might be out, so she’s just stress eating.

Don’t squeal around giants. They’ll think you’re a pig and who doesn’t like bacon?

Jaysian brags about winning even though he dropped out of community college. Then he thankfully doesn’t try to add anything up. Flamingay’s safe! YAAAYYYYYY!!! I think that Emilioth should go, but Straight Guy’s most likely out. They hated his ass. Right when they’re about to announce who’s cut, the video cuts to Heidi saying “it looks like a cat in a baby sling” on next week’s preview. WHAT?!?! WHAT THE HELL?!?! Did this happen to you guys too or is my crap ass DVR? UGH. Let me go back to the beginning. Oh ok it was my computer being a whore. Straight Guy’s out!! And they didn’t even show him shirtless. He is pissed that he’s going cuz “I put out a risk.” Well, there’s always teaching English. I hope he got revenge by stealing a bra off the Bluefly wall.

You gotta love that the straight guy gets aufed on the tool challenge. Thank you, gay TV!

Pretty surprised at that one, but can’t stick up for Anne Richards hair. What did you guys think? I loved this episode. It’s so much more interesting when they have to work outside their comfort zones. I could have used more crying though. See you next week! xo