Project Runway: Get Some Hair on Your Chest, Boy!!

Tonight on Project Runway, all of Earth’s elements are polluted. So recycle, or something. Some of these designs are so bad they’ll put hair on your chest.

Last week, one of the fugliest ass creations to ever walk the runway (at least on this show) kept Emilioth in the competition. So long, Straight Guy!! I read an interview with him this week talking about how he was mad at first, but now just looks forward to his acting career. LOL. So any producers looking for a cheap knockoff of American Psycho but need A cup man boobs, Straight Guy’s your man!

We open with a nice long shot of Jonathan putting on his makeup. It’s disturbing. Emilioth telth uth that he got thpanked by Kors and Nina and he doesn’t ever wanna go to a hardware store again. If his toilet gets clogged he’ll just swim in poop dammit. I find it hilarious that he’s so fearful of anything creative. I’d imagine with that speech impediment he spent much of his childhood inside hiding from bullies. His mother should have turned off the tv and handed him some crayons.

Listen, Drama, I’ve already fixed one disaster. I can’t just comb out an Emilioth. Shut it.

Mila and Mya play in the window, putting on a bang show for the bang perv across the street.

Oh yeah stay right there.

Dramatic music plays as Maya says that at first she was intimidated by everyone, but now that she knows them she can see their humanity. Really? Where? Maybe it’s on the editing room floor or some shit cuz I haven’t seen that. I’ve seen lots of man scarves and fauxhawks, though. And yes, it has made the men at least way less intimidating. As only fauxhawks and man scarves can.

Mila’s touched by Maya’s thoughtfulness. Why, she’s twice the girl’s age and like ten times less mature. I’ll wait for one of you to argue. No? She says that she is really starting to like Maya and doesn’t consider her competition. I’m getting a Notes on a Scandal vibe here, and it’s creeping me out. Gayness is perfectly acceptable on this show. But not lesbianism. Obviously. Otherwise a tool challenge would have been completely unfair.

Anthony Flamingay, Retired Adam Hambert, Jaysian and Ben sit around the kitchen sharing stuff like the Golden Girls. Old Ham is Dorothy, Jaysian is Rose, Flamingay is Blanche, and Ben is in jorts so he’s dead to me. Jaysian says “We’re like the Victoria’s Secret wonderbra. We lifted each other.” LOL. The only way this could be any better is if Dorothy casually asked Rose to hand him a fork and then stabbed him the eye with it.

Blanche is like uh huh the mailman had a heart attack in my bed are we gonna call the ambulance or what? I’ve got a date with a Senator tonight and a silk muumuu to steam.

Ben is sad that he doesn’t stand out from the pack. I see what he means. The only reason I remember that he even just spoke like two seconds ago is cuz I typed it. Flamingay is still confused by Tim’s critiques last week and says “I been tryin to find my viscera for two days!” HAHAH. Man I hope he doesn’t get kicked off today. Or ever. Shit, I hope he wins American Idol, Amazing Race and America’s Next Top Model. You guys, why is Mila dressed like ground beef?

Heidi comes out looking like a bruise. A pretty bruise. That still hasn’t learned English.

Vilkommen to da challenge me likey rice and beansas lollipop schnitzelwiezen.

No one gets immunity from this challenge on! Tim will meet them on the roof to help them channel their natural creativity. Finally. They’ll have to make dresses out of boogars and belly button lint. Emilioth will be all “I don’t like boogars I’m an ARTIIISThT!” Tim brought along his houseboy Paco to read the cue cards filled with challenge instructions. He says that Garnier Fuctis is made with natural ingredients. It is not! That shit’s less natural than M&Ms. Here’s the ingredient list:

Sodium laureth sulfate, coco- betaine, laureth- 5 carboxylic acid, sodium chloride, trimethylsilylamodimethicon, cocamide mipa, polyquaternium- 10, pyrus malus/apple fruit extract, PPG-5-ceteth-20, laureth-2, parfum/fragrance, sodium methylparaben, DMDM hydantoin, niacinamide, pyridoxine hc1, persea gratissima/avocado oil, citric acid, saccharum officinarum/sugar can extract, prunus armeniaca/apricot kernel oil, linalool, citrus limonum/lemon peel extract, camellia sinensis/camellia sinensis leaf extract, ci 15985/yellow 6, ci47005/yellow 10, and f.i.l D6802/1. And a tiny piece of kiwi.

So what? A shampoo challenge? Cuz Old Ham could use one.

The task is to design something based on one of the four elements. Jaysian is last weeks winner, so he gets to choose his own element. He chooses rice cakes, and Tim’s like no honey you have to pick between air, water, fire or earth. He takes air cuz it has the fewest calories. Then the rest of the designers pick their elements from Paco’s bag. Mila picks Earth, which isn’t really her thing. But I’m sure she can find a way to color block in browns. Flamingay picks, and Tim says “Flamingay’s on Fire!” Ha. Unfortunately, they will be shopping at Mood today. DAMN! I was hoping for a plant store or something. Basically they can just pick blue fabric and call it water inspired. Lame. Ben has Water, but he doesn’t like the flowy nature of water so he’s gonna base a suit on sharks instead. Yes, it will be hard, but so is drudging though life in New York without sleeves and he’s doing it, dammit.

What are the opposite of pushups? Well, whatever you call em stop doing them if you’re going to go sleeveless on TV.

He knows it will be difficult doing all that tailoring, but he’s got to make an impression. So to keep his eyes on the prize, he’s sketching one of the most talented designers there.

Emilioth is Earth, and says his model is “of color”. I think you’re allowed to say black. But not mulatto, cuz that’s just rude. Ok let’s just stick with “of color. th”.

You know who wasn’t of color? Queen Victoria. Just sayin.

Emilioth isn’t really a challenge follower, so he’s forgetting the whole earth thing and just going with draping. At this point, he just needs to not send a bare vag down the runway and he’ll get the most improved award. Flamingay says that failure isn’t an option at this point, but he’s sketching pretty much the same simple (snore) type of dress he’s made a few times already. Hambert is wearing a dog collar and fake pearls as a bracelet. I don’t really have anything to say about that, but I just can’t let it slip by cuz I’m a historian, dig?

War and Fleas by Flipit

Ham is going all out on this one. He’s creating life. Judy Jetson lives! But since she’s been dead so long she will probably be infected with Smoke Monster and just start slitting throats.

Maya’s gonna make a woman coming out of the water, and Jonathan’s gonna create his own textiles. It sounds super complicated and fascinating, but at the end of the day his sketch just looks like a pinata.

You hit it with a bat until laxative pills and diet Fanta fall out.

At Mood, Jaysian says that he wants to do “something like tornado like or something.” Sure about that?

Flamingay doesn’t think of red when he thinks of fire, he thinks of what his pastor’s house looked like after someone burned it down. Tim’s like uh….well alrighty then I was kinda hoping for more purple….

All this really needs is a cute belt.

Old Ham has gotten himself in a better mood about the challenge, cuz he realized that since he got air he can do midnight in NY. Black! Fake jewels! Homeless pee stains! He’s gonna send Judy Jetson down the runway with a limp and a bruise on her eye just to make it authentic.

Everyone’s nervous. For the next few minutes, they just sit around and sew. Jonathan says that the other designers don’t see him as a threat and it pisses him off. Then he walks around hugging everyone and telling them how awesome they are. If you want them to fear you, you’re gonna have to learn to make Mila face.

AAAAAGHGHGH!

People with glasses are evil. Got it. Thanks, Lifetime!

Tim comes in to check on progress with Paco the houseboy, who gives the designers hair consultations. Well he gives their models hair consultations. He’s not a miracle worker. This is basically a five minute ad for Garnier, so let’s just skip it. I don’t believe in natural products. I want cancer in my conditioner, thank you very much. Is this the stone age?

Jonathan’s Air inspiration comes from laughter. Uh oh. That can’t be good. The last thing you want is for judges to be laughing at your stuff. You should have gone with burping. Everyone can relate to that. Tim calls his work stunning. Old Ham is next, and Tim calls him “believable”. Not as a thirteen year old goth girl though, unfortch, so Ham is left moping. Amy Irana is creating a bowl to fill. I don’t know what the hell she’s talking about. Action music plays as Ben shows him his shark suit and Tim is worried that it’s gonna be boring. Then he asks his name again.

Either everyone’s doing really well today or Tim’s just in a good mood cuz Paco’s there, cuz all he really says is “I have confidence in you!” “You’re an artist!” and “My penis hasn’t stayed this hard this long since Kennedy was in office!” Not one four syllable word in the whole segment. Stop watering down Tim with your funny language and your foot rubs, Paco!

Fitting time! Jonathan’s model? Isn’t laughing.

He’s worried that his dress is too literal. He should be worried that his dress is fugnacious. Hopefully it gets better with time, cuz I like Jonathan. He’s so proudly pasty. Mila says that Ben’s idea is good, but his trousers are hideous and “not doing anything for his model’s crotch.” Well, they’re probably absorbing whatever fear of going home pee she’s most likely dripping.

Oops I Crapped My Pants!

Ben has never made pants before. You don’t say! Why are you doing that now? Oy. My dog had to get stitches a couple of weeks ago and she came home wearing Irana’s dress around her neck.

This hurts me more than it hurts you, mkay?

I was joking earlier about Mila’s Notes on a Scandal slant today, but I think Judi Dench actually wore this frumpy ass costume in that movie.

Here come the local pubescent proles. The future plumbers, shop assistants, and doubtless the odd terrorist too. In the old days, we confiscated cigarettes and wank mags. Now it’s knives and crack cocaine. And they call it progress.

Mila dances around and sings to her model “we’re gonna go to Bryant Park together!” Then she takes hair from the model’s brush and keeps it in a baggie in case she ever needs to frame her for something. Flamingay’s black and grey dress is coming along, and he says that not only is black fashionable, “it’s Presidential.” Ha. Mila calls him out on using color blocking, and then asks if his inspiration is air. He frowns. “Fire.” “Fire? Ooooohhhhh;( yikes ur goin home kthnxbye”. He says that she hurt his feelings, and then she looks up and gives him this evil little smile.

One miiiilion doooooolllars!

Jonathan says that “some” designers are being waaay to loose with their inspirations. Dude, you’re making laughter. Shut up. Your dress looks like a wet piece of toiletpaper. Back away from the Flamingay! I have AquaNet and a match and I will use it! Fauxhawked lispy ass mothatrucka!

We don’t get to see what this little fit is about, but Emiloth looks like he just heard about Liza falling out of bed for the first time.

WHY?!?! WHYYYYYY!?!?

Freak out time! Everyone’s super behind. Again, Old Ham already has one of the best pieces. Dramatic music plays. It’s the theme from Halloween or something. Jeeze is someone gonna get murdered? I know you’re trying to make up for last season, Lifetime, but seriously this is one show of yours that no one needs to get chased on, k? Ooooh, I know why it’s playing now. Cuz Ben’s talking on the Sidekick of Doom!

Spoiler alert!

He’s talking to his husband, who looks like a lesbian version of Macaulay Culkin. See guys, there doesn’t always have to be a top. If this were Let’s Make a Deal, I’d wager that at least one of them had a double edged dildo in their purse.

He cries, cuz he’s been with the wife for a year and a half and they’ve never been apart longer than three days! It’s cuz you’ve only been together a year and a half. Soon you’ll be booking cruises so you can not have to look at each other except at meals. Welcome to marriage! Now it’s not just for boring straight people! It’s for boring gay people too!

Emilioth wakes up the next morning the same way he wakes up every other morning. Lisping about how he’s probably gonna get kicked off so anyone within earshot will tell him how fabulouth he ith. Jonathan is kinda sick of it, so his cheer is half assed.

You’re awethum. Yawn.

The designers get to the workroom and get moving. Jaysian finishes half an hour early and helps out Ben. AW! Mila’s feeling confident. At least enough to go out of the house looking like this.

You keep making me look at patterns like this and I’m gonna be as cross eyed as you. Wait. Is that the point? You tricky bitch!

She’s running behind on her pants, but she still takes the time to flirt with her model.

Wanna touch toes?

Flamingay doesn’t think Old Ham’s dress will make any woman feel womanly, but I don’t think he’s getting the point of Old Ham. It’s not to make women more feminine, it’s to make them less feminine and men more feminine so we’re all on an equal, pale, ungroomed playing field. Or maybe I’m just misunderstanding the goth movement. Flamingay is, however, spot on at being horrified by the hairy boobs Irana is giving her model.

Oh sure! Make the drag queen walk the plank with hair on his chest! You just set this guy back years of progress and completely wasted his chest waxing allowance.

Flamingay says “she needs to Nair the hair up there!” HAHA. Runway time!! Don’t forget the golden goose, Jack.

Let’s say hi to the judges! Hi, Kors!!

Hi Nina!

And our guest judge, French Cheese!

I like da cheezes America eez ztoopeedz.

His designs have been worn by Cameron Diaz! So I take it he doesn’t design underwear or class or believable acting roles. HEYOH! Maya’s first out with a prison uniform from the future. I don’t get why the hair looks like Phantom of the Opera mask, but I don’t have any idea why anyone would wear a dress that makes them appear to have hairy arms, either. Her inspiration was water. Get a Brita.

Jaysian made a stewardess party dress.

Push the service button for FUUUUN!!! WOOHOO!

His element was air so he went for a tornado. I have a feeling this fashion show is gonna be about how we have a lot of pollution. Don’t preach to me, PR! Wait, there’s more! He’s also wrapped that stripe bs around tights. This one’s pretty bad.

So when’s that house gonna fall on you? It’s the only thing that will make this work.

Ben’s suit is way less hideous than we were led it would be, but it’s still pretty bad. And boring too. I would type more, but we all know he’s going home so let’s just move on dot org.

I love me some Flamingay, but he basically just made the same dress that won him the Marie Claire challenge in a different color. He squeals as the girl walks, but she looks a pile of laundry you try to fold yourself instead of taking to the Asians.

He compares his model to a horse, which is awesome. Mila is next. She’s really updated the dowdy single book of the week club member look.

Did no one realize at Mood that they were all buying grey? God is totally offended right now cuz he really put some effort into colorizing the world, you know? Jonathan is next, and his dress looks way better than it did in the workroom, too. He calls it breathtaking. I wouldn’t go that far, but it’s handy to have a built in head rest, especially if you survive on less than fifty calories a week.

Put your seat up. We’re landing.

The collar is pretty much the only thing this dress has going on. Otherwise it’s a summer sale at Dress Barn.

Irana’s Tom Jones Chest dress is out next. Wow. I don’t really know what to say about this so here you go.

What’s new, Pussycat?

LOL





Yes, you saw it right.





Then the French Guy’s all “oooh I ave dated zeez geerl!”

Emilioth made a dreth out of Othcar the Grouchth.

Old Ham’s designing for a young Stevie Nicks here, but I like Stevie Nicks. It’s pretty much exactly what you’d think he’d make. Pretty hacky. In the workroom it looked like it would be awesome, but it’s pretty meh. He sticks to his teenage rebel guns, though. How is this supposed to represent air again?

The French Guy has tried to shave a thin mustache, but the rest of it’s grown back already. It’s gross.

Wipe your face.

Flamingay, Emilioth, and Jaysian are safe! I’m happy for Flamingay, cuz he could have been in copy trouble on that one. Mila says she was inspired by stones. Kors thinks she’s been innovative in the past but he’s sick of her one trick pony bs. Nina thinks it looks like it came from a different designer. Frenchy is sad that she deedn’t mage a showgaze. Heidi calls boolsheet on Old Ham’s air story, but all of the judges think he’s consistent and good. Frechy loves the boot trouser things, which are really cool. I didn’t notice those before.

The shoes from Gadzooks can go though. GROW UP ALREADY.

Kors calls Maya’s dress chic, the French guy mumbles about cheese or something, and Nina says that Maya draws too much from other designers. Irana calls her mess “controlled chaos.” Only controlled cuz she’s literally holding it up herself.

Tranny harassment!

Heidi calls it a cat in a baby sling and Kors says she looks like a waitress serving hair. LOL. Kors likes it without the hair, but Nina gets pissed and says “It’s just ok. Come on guys.” That one really made Nina mad. I feel sorry for any puppy unfortunate enough to cross her path today. Kors hates Ben’s shark thing and says it’s just an ill fitting suit. Heidi says if you can’t make a suit, don’t. Then she makes a face and says “Bizzaaah”. LOL. Kors is most upset at the literal shark teeth buttons on the sleeves.

GET IT?!?

Jonathan’s homemade textile looks way better up close. It reminds me of a scab.

The judges all fawn over it and call it amazing and fantasteek! Kors calls the hair and makeup best in show. Poor models are literally being referred to as animals tonight. It’s about time. In alone time, the judges say they don’t know what kind of artist Maya is. Ok American Idol. They like Maya but she’s kinda a rip off. They like Ham’s leather, and they absolutely love Jonathan’s work. He’s gonna win something!! WOWEE!

Kors says there was a lot of crap out there today. Heidi gives Ben credit for being better in the past, and Kors gives Irana credit for being artistic even if her hair dress was terrible. Kors says that Mila’s outfit looked like a walk a mally outfit. HAHAH. Then this commercial comes on.

Old Ham’s in! Jonathan wins!! WOWEE!! Congrats buddy!! Now comb your hair. Maya’s in! Mila’s in! I guess how this is gonna turn out. Ring ring! Ben’s out! AW. He takes it like a m…well ok that was a bad time to use that. He takes it. Period. He gets to go back to Macaulay though, which is sweet. I would tell you what he said, but he sounds like one of those noise machines you play at night to help you sleep. Next week is a team challenge! YAAAYYYY!!!

I will be in Acapulco next week! HOLLER!! PottyMouth will be taking over the recap and you can expect it sometime over the weekend! Love you guys, I miss you already. Kick some ass, PottyMouth!!