Project Runway: Don’t Quit Your Life, Quit Your Bangs

Tonight on Project Runway, the producers celebrate Easter by bringing a hero back to life!

No, not Jessica Alba. She never died. She’s here though.

My DVR started late for some reason, so I missed the very beginning. It’s as if it was still in mourning over the passing of Flamingay too. WAAAHHHHH!!! Well, sometimes you have to be a big person and just get over it.

Mila says the judges were super hard on everyone last week. By everyone she means her, of course, cuz it was the first time she’s been dissed like that. They’re mean every week. Welcome to the party, Natasha!

She says that age has taught her how to move on. And how to put little bits of toilet paper in her panties in case she goes over a speed bump and pees a little. And how to make each eye look at something completely different.

Maya talks about how scary it is to be the youngest person in the competition. Oh come on. This isn’t American Idol and it’s not like you’re sixteen years old. Sing some songs your grandma made you sing in front of millions of people and then listen to a bunch of hags in bad clothes tell you you’re a robot with no personality and no chance in hell of ever realizing their dreams. Then come talk to me, you wuss! Simon Cowell would spend ten minutes of airtime on your uneven ass bangs alone.

Heidi comes out in her Nanny before the no lactose diet muumuu.

Because Fran Drescher should get a shout out in every recap ever written. Amen.

She tells the designers that their challenge for the week is to design for a pain in the ass celeb. This show’s idea of “celeb” has been known to be a little wonky so I’m hoping for Emilio Estevez. He’d be all “I want Dockers and wife beaters! AAAARGH!”

I think that Retired Adam Hambert has been having sex with Kors to win this thing. Or at least getting naked with him in the spray tan booth.

Meemaw what happened to your face?!?!

The celeb is Heidingo ate my baby!! She tells the designers how picky she is. She says this while wearing Fred Flinstone’s nightgown, so it’s hard to believe her. She says she wants them to dress her thin cuz she will have squeezed out her baby seal by the time she wears it. Heidi totally screwed over Jay when she hired him to design a dress for him, so I am still pissed at her for that. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, you need to search high and low for the pilot and only episode of Project Jay NOW. I’ll wait. Wasn’t it good?!? Told ya! Point is: don’t trust Heidi. When they say she’s a demanding bitch they ain’t jokin’. Old Ham has the right idea. He’s sketching a pitchfork.

Jonathan thought his non-microwavable straightjacket last week was amazing and can’t believe the judges hated it so much. He’s decided that he’s in backwards land so he’s gonna make something he thinks is hideous and will probably win. LOL! That’s the fighting spirit! He moans that he doesn’t know how to be on top. I’ll wait for all of y’all’s shock to pass at that one. No one? Come on, ANYONE? Well, the world needs good bottoms. Chin up. Or down, as it were.

Mila doesn’t “do” red carpet dresses. Well, just look inside yourself and find all that glamour and sexiness hiding inside. Still waiting. Come on Mila we don’t have all day for you to find the glamour inside of you! No, that’s just an old piece of bacon. Keep looking. Alright I’ll help: just wrap Heidi in something super tight and bright red. You’ll win. You’re welcome. Maya has disappeared from the workroom and no one knows quite why. My guess is she’s stress bang chopping. When she comes back, it’s with Tim. She has an announcement.

SHE QUITS!!! WTF?!?! She says that she’s not ready to go all the way in fashion yet and needs more time to develop! Stupid skank! Underdevelopment is what makes amazing fashion designers!! You think Betsey Johnson walks around dressed like Baby Jane cuz she took time to find herself? NO! She did meth and fucked homeless people behind dumpsters in the East Village! It’s called being an ARTIST! PUSSY!

Clips of Nina and the French Guy telling Maya that she’s a rip off artist and needs to find some originality. Then clips of her telling Tim that she’s not ready to be out there yet when she has so much growing to do. Ugh. Growing up is terrible for fashion. I can’t tell how Tim feels about this yet, cuz he’s got his screensaver face on.

Press esc to return to program.

She’s not even crying. This girl is on something. The designers don’t get it. Emilioth says that she’s just a quitter and quitters never win. I’ve agreed with Emilioth and I don’t know if I can ever forgive Maya for that. Mila’s crying! Her bangs are all alone in the world! Old Ham tells us that they work 20 hour days every day and we don’t understand the pressure and if we’re saying Maya’s an idiot for leaving then we can all fuck off cuz we don’t know what we’re talking about. LOL, Ham. Your audience is mostly made up of people with actual JOBS, k? You wanna know pain? Don’t refill water fast enough or take too long getting bread to a table and get your ass slapped by a fat mean waiter. I did that to my busboy just last week. Did he quit? No! He put some Visene drops in my water bottle and gave me the runs for three days. It’s called PROFESSIONALISM and DEDICATION.

Tim comes in with scrunchy powder face and gathers the designers to go to Mood. Emiolioth ith looking for thomething that’th really gonna make her popth! Seal’s penis has made her pop plenty. I’m sure she’s probably sick of popping. Give her a big potato sack with the crotch all sewn up to keep that man away from her.

Mila is going with grey and gold, but Old Ham says that he’s gonna go with black cuz those are most of the looks in Heidi’s look book, and also cuz that’s pretty much all he does. She wears black during pregnancy and post birth, and then she’s back in color. She just told you she wants you dress her for her post preggo look. But I wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself or anything, what with working so hard twenty hours a day. It takes a lot of energy to do something different. Go ahead and make tight pants and a jacket. I’m sure it’ll work out great. He says that now there are only five which means even he could go tonight. Then he smirks “not!” HAHAH.

Tim comes in with an announcement. They’re bringing a designer back!! OMG! Our favorite bird!!

See you guys? Prayer works!! Now Facts of Life just needs to be renewed for one last season and me and God will be on fabulous terms! Yaaaaayyyyyy!!! Flamingay busts in the room quoting “Gypsy” and then smiles big and tells us “I have a second chance at greatness!” And Project Runway has a second chance to not snoring the hell out of us for at least another episode! HOLLER BALLER! He laughs that people may not want him back and says “who wouldn’t want me back? I like me you should like me too!” I love him. And so does everyone else. Not even Emilioth bitches about him getting another chance.

Flamingay says he is the Ambassador of Second Chances, but this time he doesn’t give a cracker about the judges. He’s here to please himself. I’m crossing my fingers for lots of feathers and glitter and fluorescent. He is sent off to Mood while Jonathan works with a sofa cover.

Hey I just saw this at IKEA. He’s gonna be called “too referential.”

Emilioth says he’s working on a drapey masterpiece. Old Ham says he’s making something simple, and he sho is.

Post Pregnancy Full Body Spanx. I think these already exist, but they’re still genius.

Tim comes back in with scrunchy face, but this time he’s jutting out his jaw, which means the news must be really bad. He takes Old Ham outside for a private talk.

Uhoh! That jaw is never good news.

Mila says that the day is too dramatic for her to concentrate. Oh just block your colors into squares and shut your piehole. The big drama with Old Ham is that his model was offered a gig with Dona Karan on runway day. He’s pissed that she took it. LOL. Cuz working for peanuts on PR would be way better for her. How dare she better herself when Meemaw needs another win! He gets Carrie instead and is all drama about it. Puhleeze you’ve moved from one popsicle stick to another. Just call her Valaria. She won’t mind. This doesn’t have anything to do with anything, but Jonathan has taken the man scarf to a new level today. The man burp cloth. I hope he gets what he deserves for wearing that and someone barfs on his shoulder.

You’re asking for it.

Tim comes in to check on progress, and he’s with Fat Bitch Heidi! She sees Flamingay and calls him Miss Thang. This is his reaction:

And….Emmy.

No one’s happy to see her. Old Ham tries to explain to Heidi that he’s not just making a black dress, he’s making a “smoked black” dress. HAHAHAHAH. Huge huge huge difference. Heidi says there’s nothing wrong with black dresses, “but this needs something somewhere.” So this is what she’s like without cue cards. I’ve wondered often. She says on the red carpet it needs to be a showstopper. Her boobs can’t do all the work all the time.

Flamingay is next, and he’s doing black and white. Heidi doesn’t say anything about it, but Tim gives him a big positive thumbs up. Heidi says Emilioth is gonna have a lot of work to finish his detailed dress, but that’s a good thing. Heidi tells Jaysian to make sure he doesn’t make her look like a fat hooker. She doesn’t understand what he’s doing with the boobs part and he says he’s leaving space for between her boobs. She says there is no space there and shows him to prove it. He looks like he’s watching Halloween for the first time.

I think Heidi hates Mila. She tells her “simple isn’t bad, but are all the others better?” There’s some schnitzel for thought. Mila’s like um k thanks for coming by coffee later txtmebye. Heidi likes most of what Jonathan’s doing, but the couch fabric looks like curtains. She says to get rid of that and work with the other fabric. Tim comes in after each of her critiques and repeats them in a less c wordy way, which is hilarious. I love me some Tim Gunn. He should follow me around and smooth shit I say over. I might not be confined to my apartment with lean pockets and a laptop and a dog that smells like manure on fire.

The models come in for fittings and express their shock about Maya’s departure. I’m uncomfortable with models talking. It sounds like those fucking birds that whistle in the morning about nothing. Jaysian is totes stressed and screams like Cartman in that video above. Jonathan is taking Heidi’s advice orders, but the dress looks hideous.

He knows it, too, so he scraps it and starts over for the third time. I’m thinking that he chose black and orange. It’s gonna be hard to make that ok. Flamingay only gets to sleep an hour. I hope he loses it and tells someone off cuz you know it would be awesome. Mila is afraid of Heidi, and so is everyone else. Back at the workroom, Flamingay starts mumbling to himself. “I would like to send a special message out to Maya. Thank you. And God bless you, too!” HA. Old Ham tells us that he’s moving a little slow today, but that’s still faster than normal people. When did he become such a dick? Was he always like that and I was distracted by his clumps of missing Meemaw hair? I dunno, but I no likey.

Mila tells us Jonathan’s third dress sucks as much as the first two and at this point she’s just hoping someone sucks more than her. Tim comes to check on progress. Flamingay isn’t making much, but he insists that he’ll work through it. Come on! You can’t get kicked off again! Do the Beyonce monologue on the runway! No one would kick you off after hearing that. I’ve performed it like ten times this week. Model makeup! Smoke break brb.

Emilioth sayth that Old Ham’s look doesn’t say red carpet or Heidi. He even pronounces the “th” in Seth with a lisp. That’s some talent. I don’t think I’ve ever heard lisp squared before. Well done!

Runway time!!

Which is why I advocate sterilization of one in four women.

Kors looks like the old ball that Tom Hanks became friends with in Cast Away.

But jowlier.

Nina looks furious.

Let’s make this quick. I’ve got a toddler in the oven and I don’t want it to over cook.

The guest judge has spent a lot of time on the red carpet. Not cuz she’s ever been nominated for anything, but cuz even movies that rerun on Spike premiere somewhere. Jessica Alba!

Jessica’s version of typing up a resume.

Jaysian’s out first, and his dress has already been made on this show by LeAnne the Squircangle lover and on Fashion Show by Ana the Crazy Cat Lady. Jaysian has made his version different by making the model look like she’s going through an invisible turnstyle.

Seriously why is it all crushed in the jay?

The top is pretty, the bottom is hid-ey. And the whole thing has been done lots and way better. Mila made a slutty bowling alley cocktail waitress uniform.

The front is ugly, but the back is fugly. It’s like an interpretation of her crooked bangs.

Flamingay made Glenn Close’s costume from 101 Dalmations.

Old Ham made a long black dress that will show off Heidi’s after baby flab. Bad move.

Jesus woman did you just pop out the seal yesterday? Take a week off or something!

The back is real perty.

He seems to be the best with construction, but it would be nice to see something that doesn’t look like it belongs to a depressed stage manager. Jonathan! Wow. His model looks like she got shot in the ribs.

That might have worked without the orange and black. The grey (tan? can’t tell) is pretty and I could see Heidi wearing that. He’s prouder of the back than the front, which I don’t get. The back is a mess. The hem isn’t even even. Does this mean Flamingay has a chance?!?

Emilioth made a super simple sparkly red carpet dress. For the Telemundo Emmys. And why is there a fag tag on the front?

Nina looks thrilled by this dress.

I hope I marinated that brat in enough Worcestershire.

The editors are doing this creepy negative flash of all the models. You can see the sausage this one swallowed whole to get this gig. Creepy.

Nina thinks that Old Ham should have thought more about what Heidi would want. Kors says the model looks like one of the hos who carries the awards instead of the one who wins it. His defense, “I like it!” Heidi doesn’t see a wow factor there. All the judges love Flamingay’s dress, and Nina even calls it stunning!! WOWEE!! LOVE IT!! Alba likes Mila’s dress but thinks the bust is way too wide. Kors agrees. The last thing he wants to see are boobies, and Heidi says it’s not enough of a showstopper. With your boobs in it it would be. Moms would be hiding their children from the TV. Kors says Emilioth’th dreth is impeccable. Heidi compliments it but sounds bored. Nina says it could have looked cheap but turned out perfect.

Heidi loves Jaysian’s corset, but not his bottom. Kors says there’s not a woman on the planet who wants to look like she has a fat ass. Nina calls the model a fat bitch. Kors starts Jonathan’s critique with this face:

If he went natural for a week that face would look like this:

He says the back is nice but the front not so much and if the model didn’t wear panties her labia would be hanging out. Even Alba thinks it’s short and she doesn’t usually wear anything. Jonathan says it’s the third version, and Kors agrees that it looks rushed. In alone time, Heidi disses Old Ham for being safe and boring and Nina says that it looked like a dress at Sid and Nancy’s funeral. They all love Flamingay’s work today, and Alba says that if Maya couldn’t handle the show she’ll have serious trouble in real life. Snapple: Bad Slut Actress Flavor.

No one has anything nice to say about Jonathan’s dress, and Heidi says it looked like amateur hour. He’s out. No one understood Jaysian’s dress, but they seem downright pissed about Jonathan’s. Kors calls Emilioth’th dreth perfect, Nina loved it, I didn’t get it. Nina says Mila’s dress looks like it would be worn on The Real Housewives of New Jersey. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. I love me some Nina. Hey did you see Flamingay’s winning dress on the cover of marie claire? Neither did anyone else.

That winning strap is something else, huh?

The designers are brought back out. There is no winner for this challenge! There are two! Emilioth and Flamingay! YAAAYYYYYYY!!! Flamingay squeals and Alba asks if she can have the dress. Aw! This show can be heartwarming. Old Ham is safe. Mila’s safe. Jaysian and Jonathan are bottoms. Heidi tells them off and then aufs….Jonathan! Told ya. Jonathan was a sweet pasty man, but I can’t root for anyone with a fauxhawk.

So what did you guys think? Are you still onboard with this season? Did Jonathan deserve to be sent back to the sunless hole from which he came? Did Old Ham and Mila get off easy cuz they’ve been better in the past? Did God have a part in bringing Flamingay back from the dead? Thanks for being here. See you next week! xo