Project Runway: The Bearded Lady Thinks She’s Cindy Crawford

Tonight on Project Runway, Emilioth was gross, Mila was angry, and we were robbed of one of the best “Meet My Mom” sequences in PR history.

Oh yeah. And Cynthia Rowley stopped by to show off her new permanently surprised look.

The morning starts with Anthony Flamingay singing “good morning!” like a current American Idol contestant. That is to say, horribly. Retired Adam Hambert is too old for this shit. Like Danny Glover.

I’ll bet you guys twenty dollars he just pulls out a can of Aqua Net, sprays that mess, and goes to the runway.

Flamingay is flamingly gay anyway, but now that he’s won a challenge he’s gayer than the sun coming up in the morning.

Two penises rubbing each other aren’t gayer than Flamingay right now.

Emilioth looks super happy that Flam is back.

And the good Lord thaw fit to thtick ME with a tongue too big for my mouthth. I don’t doooooo morningth!

Mila is shocked to be one of the last five standing. Me too. I figured someone would have cracked some battery acid into her coffee by now. She talks about Secret-ing her way to Bryant Park. That shit doesn’t work. If it did I would be one of Oprah’s dogs right now. I’ve seriously visualized that for hours. I try to believe in stuff, but it’s all crap. Just saved you a month’s worth of tithing! The important parts of this segment aren’t the words. They’re the clips of Mila painstakingly working to make herself look like a Russian villain cartoon character with perfectly lawn mowered bangs.

This kind of imperfection takes hours to achieve. Or a blind child with a free hand and something sharp.

It’s so weird not having Jonathan here today. The sun is probably trying to figure out who not to shine on now. Heidi comes out hawking Martha Stewart’s 250 thread count sheet line from K Mart.

Ankle Bracelet slippers not included.

Heidoodledoo asks what everyone’s thinking, being so close to the finale and all. Lots of murmurs and then “Scary as hayell!” from Flamingay. The hint is that they will be going to a tent. I hope it’s in Tim’s pants. LOL. That made no sense but the image makes me laugh anyways. Flam is afraid this means he’s “gone have to get all rugged. You don’t wear Gucci drivers to the mountains.” Or Anne Taylor Loft sweaters.

I borrowed my mama’s Donna Karan pants for this!

Is he in red white and blue on purpose? Not that there’s anything wrong with that. When my Meemaw does it. Cuz she’s on the way to a tea party or something. This is like one big stance in favor of gays in the military. Looking at it that way, I approve.

Every argument has a valid rebuttal.

It’s the big tent! Barnum and Bailey’s! I lost my virginity there! On a floor covered in peanut shells and elephant poop. No I didn’t. It’s just better than saying I gave it up to my mom’s underpaid gardener when I was fifteen and I feel like revealing things. Tim comes out and thinks it’s the most hilarious thing ever that he’s at a circus.

For Tim this is doubling over in laughter.

The designers get to watch a circus show and they have to be inspired! The final challenge is a circus challenge??? RIGGED! Emilioth already won. It’s not fair to let a bearded lady compete in a circus challenge.

Acrobats fling themselves all over the place and a chick twists on a string or something. I can’t really describe what they’re all doing. I’ve always hated the circus. It just makes me think of exercise. Jaysian gets a tiny funny shaped boner when he sees the hot shirtless guys. I don’t blame him.

Best runway show of the year.

If none of you are doing pushups right now, you never will.

Best designer of the year? God. He tied with Gold’s Gym. End of season. Old Ham tells us that there are some seriously funny clowns up in here! I don’t know if he’s talking about the one who threw water on a guy’s face or if he means this one:

Did Ham have time to get Botox? He looks tight.

Bikers in ball cages! Giant slabs of beef in hamster wheels! Uneven bangs!

Everyone pretends that that was totally not creepy and applauds. Old Ham says he’s a kid again. I told you he got Botox! The designers are let loose to start sketching. Emilioth was inspired by stripes and polka dots. I can’t believe that he didn’t whine about how he doesn’t dooooo circuththththththt. Actually, he’s psyched cuz he used to be a costume designer so he’s made circus clothes before. Mila was inspired by the ringleader:

If she blocks colors today it will be totally racist.

She’s gonna make a coat. Flamingay was inspired by a blah spandex number the acrobat was wearing. That scares me. I don’t think the judges are gonna like grey in a circus challenge.

Jaysian likes the clowns cuz they remind him of Janet Jackson in the 90′s I guess.

They designers are carted off to Mood, where a dog is wearing half of Mila’s designs from the season.

Jaysian is gonna make a “mence-wear chacket.” Has he always talked like that or that a nervous accent? I find it kind of offensive when people whip out accents at the last minute. We’re not voting, Jaysian. Spare us the minority pandering! Tim warns Flamingay that he’s about to bore Nina, but Flamingay is convinced that it’s his destiny to show at the park. Thankfully, Tim doesn’t hand him a Sidekick. I’m very worried over here.

There are two days to complete this project, which is miracle. Then why I am I braced for a disaster? I think it’s Mila’s flood pants.

Showing your ankles? That’s just downright slutty.

Emilioth walks around thaying “come hard!” OK first off: EW. And secondly: still EW. The thought of that has me dumbfounded. As if sensing it, he says it a couple more times. That and the naked hot guy pics will have me not eating until like an hour from now until I can’t take it any more and shove an entire Little C’s down my throat. tomorrow. He came with one purpoth and he’s not shy about it. Mila’s like “no you sure aren’t shy about it.” LOL. She says that he’s over confident cuz he’s won tho much and his head can barely fit into the seemingly endless supply of stupid hats he packed. He literally mumbles all day about how fabuloth he ith. He even makes a choochoo train sound to toot his own horn. HAHAH this guy is such an athhole. You know why I love LIfetime? Cuz they find it perfectly reasonable to think we’ll believe that Andie McDowell is a District Attorney.

I ob…line!

When we come back from women running from evil men commercials, Flamingay is looking for a yard steeyick. “I might as wayell sit on my fabric to maysure it!” Emilioth shows Flamingay his dreth and it looks really really good. And I usually don’t like his stuff. Flam goes back to the sewing room and tells Mila that Emilioth’ dress looks gorge and he just had a viewing party. Mila wrinkles her face and growls “of course he did.” I want a smackdown!

Tim comes in to check on progress and starts with Old Ham. He wants to make something based on the ringleader and the jugglers, but he’s making a women’s prison ballgown that pays homage to the Hamburgler. Mean girls gotta have some fun too!

He’s gonna finish it off with a top hat. Tim’s totally into that idea. He’s got that “Jessica Fletcher has another close friend accused of murder I’M SO SURE” look on his face.

Oh Angela, stick to Bedknobs and Broomsticks.

Emilioth stands behind them making shitty looks the whole time. Probably cuz he’s got a little competition in the black and white stripes department.

Emilioth is nexth and says that he’th gonna bunch up his stripeth in the top and they’re gonna exthplode on the bottom. Thith guy needth to get laid. Everything he says today is sexual and it’s grossing me out. Point is, Mila rolls her eyes. And she looks like Kenley.

Hate makes you younger.

Emilioth pitches really hard and of course has to bring up boning. He’s super imprethed with himthelf, but Tim’s all “Um you went to the circus. Where’s the color.” Long pregnant pause. Tim kinda shouts that they want to see him use color, and Emilioth argues that he always uses color. Tim argues back that his last dress was somber. HAHAHAHAH. Emilioth gets pithed and insists that it’th gonna be a showthtopper! Mila makes a loud lip grunt. Is that what you call those things? When you flap your lips together? I don’t think I’ve ever tried to describe that before. Anyways, it’s awesome. Tim leaves frustrated, but you know Tim’s hatred means Emilioth’ dreth ith gonna winth. I don’t know if Tim’s off his game or if the judges just hate him now, but I swear they’re fucking with him.

Flamingay’s next and says that he feels left out because of his different color palette. He insists that his knee deep in prep and will get some actual work done eventually. Tim tells him to listen to his viscera, and Flam gets all offended and tells Tim that he doesn’t have a viscera, he has a penis. No matter what kind of sweaters he wears or how many Beyonce stories he tells. Flamingay says that he’s gonna get a dictionary as soon as he gets home so he knows wtf Tim just said. LOL! I’m laughing, but it’s a very very worried laugh.

I’m skerd.

Mila’s using black and white stripes too! COME ON PEOPLE!! It’s not like they shopped in different stores. There are only five of you left. Be original! She has a big black coat and ivory panels. He tells her to ditch the ivory. Cuz then it will be and exact copy of Emilioth and Old Ham’s looks.

Jaysian’s using red! HOLLER! I’m cheering for Jaysian. The world is on its head. He only has a black waitress skirt done so far, but yay red. Tim leaves and the designers get to work. Emilioth is giving Flamingay advice, which is cute. Flam says he’s a prisoner of his own mind. Funnest prison evah. The next morning, Mila stands at her window and poses for the bang pervert across the street without her bang slut buddy Mila.

AW!!! He closed his blinds!

Flamingay is freaking out cuz he’s starting the day without anything, and he’s gonna start all over. Jaysain tells us he has a lot of people that believe in him and he’s ready to make them proud. I believe he’s growing, cuz he’s even covering up his stupid fauxhawk.

Now it’s time for the designers to talk shit about each other. Old Ham says he’s on the fence about Mila’s dress, but he could do without the shiny. LOL. Yeah, too much black shiny in a dress is terrible, eh?

Emilioth decideth at the lath minute to add a pop of color. He throws a red striped scarf into the mix. Flamingay says there are a lot of costumes in the room and he’s got an actual functional gown. Yeah, but it’s sloppy and kinda fug. I hate saying it, but come on.

Girl, get yo toes off my viscera!

Flamingay scares Jaysian by calling his coat Michael Jackson. Bwahahahaha. I’m thinking more Music Man, but it’s still funny.

The next morning, the perv’s blinds are still closed and Mila’s downright depressed. So she tries to scan the hood for a dirty foot perv instead.

She’s nervous, but still pretty sure that she’s going to the finals. The boys sure as hell hope not. They leave the apartment as four and will return as….four! Flamingay learned to count!

Now let’s just take a moment and stare at what Jaysian’s wearing. I’m sure there are adjectives for this and I’m just not gay enough yet to know them.

Old Ham is so skerd that a clump of hair drops to the floor.

Emilioth just wants the judgeth to thee the artithtry of hith work. He literally drops ten flattering adjectives for his art. He’th too much. If I have to lithten to him talk any more I’m gonna thtart typing like thith permanently. Flamingay is skerd, and Mila thinks he should be. She wants Flamingay or Jaysian to be out and doesn’t think they’re ready. Jaysian doesn’t think Mila has what it takes, but admits that it might be because he thinks she’s a buttface. Hair and makeup! BREAK!

Clips of everyone freaking out and blahblahblah. The personalities are pretty thin at this point so let’s move on to the show! Heidi comes out on the runway. Wow. Do you guys watch V? I can’t help it. There was a scene this week where a human that’s pregnant with a V is laying on her side and we see the alien squirming around inside her stomach. That’s what Heidi looks like right now.

She’s building an army! Seal’s gonna be piiiiiiiised!

Let’s say hi to the judges! Hi Kors!

Hi Nina!

Hi guest judge Cynthia Rowley! Sorry Design Star fired you! Those bastards! Down with Vern Yip!

Calm down on the tightening, lady! You look like Jaysian’s sister!

Jaysian’s Seventy Six Trombones costume is first, but with parachute pants. I don’t get it, but I haven’t really vibed him all year so that’s no surprise. It does look ringleader-y. But, like, LITERALLY.

Up close, the pants are pretty cute. Fattening, but well made. Mila’s created a comic book villain outfit. I’ll bet she dreams of really sticking it to Batman.

Also, she ripped that symmetrical black and white bs off from herself. This looks like something Old Ham would wear to go to Target.

Nina’s not amused. Or she’s just trying to hide that last bit of baby arm hanging out of her mouth.

Flamingay’s dress looks a hell of a lot better than it did in production, but it’s bad. Not very circus-y, but I guess he can make the argument that he made wings cuz he based it on the air acrobat?

Emilioth is next. The black and white stripes look pretty, but the dress is basically just a saloon dress in updated fabrics and a permanently hitched up front. When the model turns around, it looks worse. The red is an obvious sloppy afterthought and those polka dots are ridic.

Old Ham has stuck with the Hamburgler theme. But this isn’t any ole Hamburgler. This is the mfing queen of the Hamburglers. The model looks like a half run over striped turtle.

Poor thing has less of a neck than Billy Joel.

He shakily tells the judges that he was totally overwhelmed emotionally by the circus. HAHAHA. He’s actually made everyone else look really good. Will they get rid of him? He’s been consistently good this season…Heidi likes it! Nina likes the drama and fantasy but thinks it’s too costumey. Rowley calls it interesting. Kors says the pants need a giant peen in them to fill them out. HAHA. I can’t believe they didn’t rag on that one. It blew. And by the way, of course his pants were shiny.

Nina says she doesn’t mind Flamingay’s dress from the middle up but below the waist it’s boring as hell. Kors goes up to feel the dress and can’t believe it’s polyester! OH NOOOOO! He calls it a big blue condom. Heidi asks Jaysian to take off the jacket and he does. She says it’s too plain but Nina calls it all beautifully done.

Kors loves Mila’s, but Nina’s not convinced. Rowley is wearing the same pink so she likes that, but doesn’t like the shininess. Heidi calls Emilioth’ work stunning, Rowley calls it genius, and Kors says it’s his fave of the season. ? They have to say why they wanna go to fashion week. Old Ham says that he’s a good tailor and if he got to choose he’d take Emilioth and Jaysian. Jaysian says he can be amazing at fashion week and he’d take Old Ham cuz he’s good and he’d like to share the experience with Flamingay cuz he’s funny. Then he cries. Oh wahsian. Mila is miserable cuz no one has named her as a fave, but she chooses Emilioth and Old Ham to go with her. Emilioth yammers on for too long about how amazing he is and he would take Old Ham and Mila! WOWEE! See Mila! The one you hate the most chose you! AWWW!

Flamingay cries too, and says if he went to fashion week he’d be sure to trust his viscera. LOL. I love him, but there’s no way in hell he’s going to fashion week when he just made a polyester gown. No no no no. I’m sad that we won’t get to see his home footage though. Meeting his mother could have made this whole season. He would take Jaysian and Emilioth. Nina looks grossed out by the emotion on stage.

In private time, the judges uniformly gush over Emilioth. They know Old Ham didn’t do his best, but Heidi says he’s innovative and they’d all be excited to see what he whipped up for fashion week. Kors is mortified by Flamingay’s poly choice. Heidi says he’s technically less skilled but still talented. Kors thinks Mila’s clothes are always flat and one dimensional. He liked the jacket. Rowley argues that her work wasn’t relevant, but Kors counters that she knows how to construct her ass off. Kors doesn’t know who Jaysian is, but knows he has taste.

Time for a decision! The designers come back out. Emilioth is the winna! He will be going to fashion week. YAYnot. He thath he’s humbled. I’ll believe that when I see it. Old Ham is complimented on his originality as we’re shown clips of his stuff. It almost all looks the same.

That said, I think he’s the best of the bunch. Striking today’s mess. He’s in! Heidi says Flamingay won some big ones but he’s done well. And he’s out. WAAAAHHHHHH. That was fair, but stillwaaaahhh. Heidi says that Mila’s look today fell short of her normal talent. She says that Jaysian’s work tonight was good but too safe. Mila’s in! Does that mean Jaysian’s out? She looks at Jaysian with a big smile like she’s waiting for a hug, but he’s like what are you looking at bitch? He’s also in!! They are both going, but only one of them will show. Kors looks totally excited for them.

How did you guys feel about all this? I was really rooting for Flamingay, obvs, but I can’t call bs on that one. Old Ham, Mila, and even Emilioth are deserving of going to the finals in my eyes. Jaysian? Not sure about that. I can’t remember anything he’s made except those trash bag leather pants. Either way, we’ve got two finale episodes, a reunion, and a full rundown of all the final ten designers’ collections to run down in the next few weeks so I’ll see you next time! Thanks for being here.

I blame my viscera. I’m sewing it up the second I get home.